1. Problem Children
~ Rupsa Das
Infants have two ways of demonstrating emotion. They either smile or they cry. As they
grow, they learn about different emotions from parents and their peer group. The two-to-
five age group is when a child prepares to go to school. The role of the parents is crucial as
they are the ones who have to teach a child how to socialize.
The child clams up before strangers
A child may be used to talking with familiar people. But in a new environment, he needs
time to adjust. If he is produced before guests and asked to answer routine questions or
sing or recite, he is not being given time to adjust to the situation. In imposing our wish on
him, we are not evaluating his wish whether he wants to speak or not.
What can be done? : The child needs to be encouraged but not forced. Draw a family tree,
with the child at the centre of it. It will branch out from parents to grandparents, to friends

2. and neighbours and even include the milkman and newspaper vendor with their roles clearly
defined. This way he understands his immediate society and learns to value everyone in his
life.
The mother can pose as a role model. Describe the situation to the child how guests come
and the mother is asked to sing. Now ask the child: “What should I do?” The child will now
assess the situation from your point of view.
The things that the child is taught — singing, recitation etc. — do it at home with him. Let
the child be your instructor. You can even record on a video recorder as he practices singing
and get yourself recorded doing so too. Then show him your part first and his next. If you
admire the way he looks while reciting or singing, the confidence will be an encouragement
for him to open up before others. There is no point forcing him. He may give in once or
twice but he will not be trained.
Share his activity, even if for a day in the week. You could have a Cartoon Day where
parents and child watch the same cartoon together. Try to understand what makes him
laugh in it. Or have a Day where you share his meal.
Counsel him about the arrival of guests so that he is mentally prepared. Describe who is
coming and if there will be someone his age who he can play with.
And when guests come, never discuss only his negative points — that he is bad in studies,
or gets punished in school or takes ages to eat. It is natural for a human being to turn away
from a place where he is not appreciated. It will make him insecure and trigger aggressive
reaction, escape or aloofness.
The child refuses to share anything
Another child coming home spells trouble as there is no way your child will play with him
and let him touch his playthings. Worse, he may object to guests being handed a gift or
even served food from the house. This would result in scenes that any host would cringe at
the thought of.

3. What can be done? : Teach your child the concept of sharing. You may start with sharing
food. Tell him to divide bread and share with his father. Or ask him to exchange a candy
with his grandparent. Tell him stories that show sharing in a good light. If your daughter is
playing with dolls, the mother can enter the game, introducing the concept of there being
two or more children among whom the mock-food has to be shared. You can start a Sharing
Day. Have the child share something simple, like his blanket with his father.
If a child is refusing to share things, it shows either his insecurity of losing things or his
ignorance of the concept of sharing. Don’t tell him things like: “This is my dress. Don’t touch
it.” It will teach him not to share and increase his curiosity to touch the dress. Rather, tell
him that he needs to ask you first if he wants to see it.
If guests are coming, let your child help with the preparations —arrange the cushions, lay
out the dishes. This way your child will take pride when the food is served.
The child shows Aggression
As the child’s cognition of his own emotions is limited, he may be sad, irritated or anxious,
but it will all come out through bouts of aggression.
Parents should study the cause that triggers such behaviour. It could be that the child feels
that this is the only way to catch the attention of the parent. He does not understand the

4. difference between positive and negative attention.
As ignoring the tantrum is difficult in public, most parents resort to one of two ways. Some
prefer corporal punishment, thinking two slaps would resolve the issue. Sometimes that
stops the child but it only suppresses the aggression temporarily. It is bound to come back.
The other common method is to give in to the demand immediately to buy peace. Such a
reward for undisciplined behaviour would send the message that this is what is needed to be
done to get his way.
What can be done? The first thing to do is to calm the child. Hold him, hug him and try to
divert his attention from whatever is the issue at hand. A mother needs to understand a
child’s emotional control pattern just as she understands his food or sleep pattern. If the
child is trying to hit you, don’t hit back as the child will learn to hit back as well.
The child refuses to eat
It takes hours and an infinite amount of patience to chase him around the house and make
him eat.
What can be done? : Check
three things — the nature of
the food (Is it a tasteless
food?), the presentation of the
food (Why else do kids love the
smiley sandwiches from
McDonald’s and not the ones
you make at home?) and the
care-giver (Is the person
feeding her making him rush
through the meal while doing
something else herself?) An
irritable care-giver might take
out his irritation on the child. If
the child is engrossed in
watching TV, parents should be
careful that he does not end up
over-eating. Make a note of the time when he finishes a meal. Many parents complain that
when they try to feed a child after the prescribed gap of three hours, he refuses to look at
the food. If he finished eating only two hours ago then it is normal not to be hungry so
soon.
The child refuses to go to school
The child throws a tantrum at the time of going to school and on being dragged there, howls
so much in class that teachers complain.
What can be done? : Many schools have introduced the practice of a parent accompanying
the kid to school for the first week. To get a child used to leaving a familiar environment
and spending time with strangers, take him to school a few days before classes begin. Walk
into his classroom and tell him this would be where he would make many friends. Show him
the school bag, water bottle and lunch box and tell him he would use all these when he

5. starts going to school. These incentives would make him look forward to the school-going
experience. If a child comes back from school faking a stomach ache, do not let him watch
TV or give him his favourite food. Sick bed should mean no TV. He should earn these treats
through good behaviour in school.
The child demands rewards for doing even his daily chores
Do not make him used to materialistic rewards. The child is clever to exploit the situation.
Give him hand-drawn stars or smiley. If he accumulates a number of them in a day, he can
get a hug from the mother.