This document discusses how differences in personalities can impact relationships. It focuses on two key measures: validation, which is feedback that confirms or expresses acceptability of someone's actions, and boundaries, which define acceptable versus unacceptable actions. While high validation and aligned boundaries are ideal, individuals have varying sensitivities and perceptivities. As a result, the same actions can be perceived differently depending on each person's thresholds, leading to misunderstandings in relationships where validation and boundary expectations are not aligned.

1. RELATIONSHIP And why you
may not be
getting
COMPATIBILITY along…
4/8/2013 Copyright 2013 H Jordan High. All Rights Reserved. 1

2. MEASURES OF PERSONALIT Y
 Dif ferences in per sonalities can be measured in many, many ways
 These dif ferences can be af fected by culture, upbringing, life
experiences, and innumerable other factor s
 They help define and communicate your values, how you treat
others, how you expect to be treated, and how others will perceive
you!
 The two measures to focus on for this situation are:
 Validation, and
 Boundaries
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3. MEASURE DEFINITIONS
Validation: Boundaries:
 Feedback that what someone  A “line drawn in the
is doing is either good or bad sand”, either explicitly
in someone’s opinion expressed or implicit and
unexpressed
 It can be a confirmation of
value alignment or an  Actions within boundaries go
expression of acceptability unnoticed, potentially
appreciated
 Actions outside of boundaries
are noticeable (possibly only) to
the boundary holder and are
unacceptable
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4. PREMISE / ASSUMPTION
 High validation (clear
positive and negative
feedback) combined
High
OK IDEAL with high correlation of
boundaries is ideal
Validation
 Either high validation
with low boundaries, or
low validation with high
Low BAD OK boundaries is okay
 Low boundaries with no
Low High
validation is bad
Boundaries
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5. REALIT Y OF THE SITUATION
 Unfortunately
individuals’ thresholds
High OK for Validation &
GOOD
Boundaries differ, and
are not straight lines…
Validation
 Why?
 Different cultures, values,
BAD etc.
Low
OK
Q: Seriously what’s the difference?
A: The difference is SERIOUS, to me)
Low High
Boundaries
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6. VALIDATION & SENSITIVIT Y
Low Sensitivity: High Sensitivity:
 “Thick skinned” people  “Thin skinned” people
are likely to infer lack are likely to infer lack
of validation feedback of validation feedback
as positive, which is as negative, which is
good bad
GOOD
High High
Validation
Validation
GOOD
BAD
Low Low
Same Feedback
BAD perceived differently
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7. BOUNDARIES & PERCEPTIVIT Y
Low Perceptivity: High Perceptivity:
 “Imperceptive” people  “Very considerate” people
assume their lack of are keenly aware of others
boundaries of others, and feelings and use this ability
are not likely to proactively to proactively identify and
identify boundaries respond to others’
boundaries
BAD GOOD BAD GOOD
Same action
perceived differently
Low High Low High
Boundaries Boundaries
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8. INDIVIDUAL STATES
OK IDEAL OK IDEAL
 Different combinations
of Sensitivities and
High
Perceptivities explain
BAD OK BAD OK
why the same action
can be taken quite
Sensitivity
differently by others
OK IDEAL OK IDEAL  Individuals thresholds
Low
Same Feedback
for S&P differ, and are
BAD OK
perceived differently
BAD OK
not straight lines.
Low High
Perceptivity
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9.  Perfect Alignment has the largest
possible area (chance of) successful HOW
interaction, and agreement on all STATES
interactions
INTERACT…
 A single-axis alignment has a wide
area of “Good” overlap, and only a
little OK/BAD overlap (bottom
middle)
 No axis alignment has very little
agreement on interaction, multiple
OK/BAD overlap regions, and
GOOD/BAD overlap
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