Qualities to Look for in a Spouse when Dating is Advice to My Children for Marriage and Selecting an Eternal Companion

1. Qualities to Look for in a
Spouse when Dating
Advice to My Children for Marriage and Selecting an Eternal Companion
Jimmy Smith, July 2020

2. Table of Contents
• The Eternal Importance and Blessings
of Marriage
• Qualities to Look for in a Spouse when
Dating
• Additional Tips for Dating and
Receiving Revelation on Marriage

3. The Eternal Importance and
Blessings of Marriage

4. Scriptural Basis for Marriage
• Marriage between a man and woman in the
temple is essential in God’s plan of happiness
• Gen 2: 24 “Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his
wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
• 1 Cor 11: 11 “Neither is the man without the
woman, neither the woman without the man,
in the Lord.”
• D&C 131: 1-3 “In the celestial glory there are
three heavens or degrees; And in order to
obtain the highest, a man must enter into this
order of the priesthood [meaning the new and
everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he
does not, he cannot obtain it.”

5. Unsurpassed Joy and Happiness
• “In the teachings of the Church of Christ, the
family assumes supreme importance in the
development of the individual and of society.
…It will not dissolve when a worthy couple is
sealed by the authority of the Holy Priesthood
throughout all eternity. The marriage
ceremony when thus sealed produces
happiness and joy unsurpassed by any other
experience in the world” (David O. McKay, in
Conference Report, Apr. 1966, 108).

6. Eternal Joy Is within Reach
of Every Couple
• “Marriage is perhaps the most vital of
all the decisions and has the most far-
reaching effects, for it has to do not
only with immediate happiness, but
also with eternal joys. …Marriage can
be more an exultant ecstasy than the
human mind can conceive. This is
within the reach of every couple, every
person” (Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness
in Marriage,” Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3–4).

7. Right Person. Right
Place. Right Time.
• “This will be the most important
decision of your life, the individual
whom you marry. There is no
substitute for marrying in the temple.
… Marry the right person in the right
place at the right time” (Gordon B.
Hinckley, “Life’s Obligations,” Ensign,
Feb. 1999, 2).

8. Don’t Be Afraid to Get Married
• “We in the presiding councils of the Church
hear far too often—and perhaps you do as
well—that many of our youth and young
adults are terrified to get married. …they are
fearful that the world will just get more
difficult, that jobs will be too hard to find,
and that one should be out of school, out of
debt, have a career, and own a home before
considering marriage. Good grief! On that
formula Sister Holland and I still wouldn’t be
married!”
• “Be Not Afraid, Only Believe”, Jeffrey R. Holland, Feb. 6, 2015

9. Qualities to Look for in a Spouse
when Dating

10. What the “For the Strength of Youth”
Pamphlet Says about Dating
• “You should not date until you are at least 16
years old.”
• “Developing serious relationships too early in
life” can leads to problems
• “Choose to date only those who have high
moral standards”
• “Seek a companion who is worthy to go to the
temple”

11. Strive to Develop those
Aspirational Qualities in Yourself
• “Some young people seem to have a
shopping list of characteristics they want in
a companion and measure their potential:
‘Do you have all the things that I require?’ If
you hope to have an eternal companion
who has certain spiritual qualities, then you
must strive to develop those spiritual
qualities in yourself. Then someone who has
those qualities will be attracted to you”
(Elder David A. Bednar, Understanding
Heavenly Father’s Plan).

12. Someone with Similar Qualities will be
Attracted to You?
• What did Elder Bednar mean
when he said that if you develop
good qualities, someone with
those same qualities will be
attracted to you?
• D&C 88: 40 “For intelligence
cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom
receiveth wisdom; truth
embraceth truth; virtue loveth
virtue; light cleaveth unto light.”

13. Grandparent’s Advice
I asked both sets
of grandparents
what advice they
have on this
topic and they
said to look for
someone who is:

14. “Deal-Makers” that Matter Most when It
Comes to Dating
• One author on the Church’s website listed these:
• “Is he a worthy priesthood holder (or she a lady) who
respects and honors the opportunity to do work in the
name of the Lord?”
• “Does he (she) attend church and the temple?”
• “Would he make a good husband and father (she a
good wife and mother)?”
• “Does he (she) strive to do the Lord’s will in all things?”
• “Does he (she) demonstrate charity?”
• “Does spending time with him (her) help me to come
unto Christ?”
• from Finding Your Eternal Companion: Are You Standing In Your Own Way? by Jae D. Varela

15. Mom’s / Heather’s Advice
• Find someone with similar life priorities as you (earth and
eternal)
• Building an eternal family is more important than building worldly
wealth
• Agreement on roles of mother and father in family
• Willing to help around the house with cooking and cleaning
• Similar attitude towards gospel, prioritizing it
• Find someone you can talk openly with about big and little
things
• Get out of the bubble
• If you only see and know them in college circumstances, how well do
you really know their character and qualities?
• Knowing their character is more important than dating for a
long time (quality over quantity)

16. Dad’s / Jimmy’s Advice
• Long courtship. Short engagement.
• Don’t rush in, but when you’ve found the right
person, don’t delay it.
• Try to see them in many varied circumstances
• Find someone with similar level of commitment
as you to the Gospel of Jesus Christ
• Look for someone patient, kind, considerate of
others, and hard working
• Look for someone humble, faithful, charitable,
and courageous for what is right

17. Additional Tips for Dating and
Receiving Revelation on Marriage

18. Seek Counsel from God on
Who to Marry
• Who to marry is one of the most important
decisions you will make
• God won’t take away your agency, but he will
gently guide you
• D&C 6:36 "Look unto me in every thought;
doubt not, fear not.”
• Alma 37:37 "Counsel with the Lord in all thy
doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea,
when thou liest down at night lie down unto
the Lord, that he may watch over you in your
sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let
thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye
do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last
day.”

19. Study it Out, Ask, and then
Know in Your Mind and Heart
• D&C 9: 8 “But, behold, I say unto you, that
you must study it out in your mind; then
you must ask me if it be right, and if it is
right I will cause that your bosom shall burn
within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is
right.”
• D&C 8: 2 “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your
mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost,
which shall come upon you and which shall
dwell in your heart.”

20. Trust in the Spirit that Leads to Good Things—
Humility, Righteousness, Enlightenment, and Joy
• “And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which
leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously;
and this is my Spirit.
• Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall
enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy;
• And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you
desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith
believing in me that you shall receive.” (D&C 11: 12 – 14)

21. Show Me the Data
• “I have heard of cases where a young man told
a young woman she should marry him because
he had received a revelation that she was to
be his eternal companion. If this is a true
revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the
woman if she seeks to know. In the meantime,
she is under no obligation to heed it. She
should seek her own guidance and make up
her own mind. The man can receive revelation
to guide his own actions, but he cannot
properly receive revelation to direct hers. She
is outside his stewardship.”
• Dallin H. Oaks, “Revelation”, Brigham Young University
devotional, Sept. 29, 1981

22. Perfection is Only Reached by a Couple
Working Together
• “Another error you might easily make in dating is
expecting to find perfection in the person you are
with. The truth is, the only perfect people you
might know are those you don't know very well.
Everyone has imperfections. Now, I'm not
suggesting you lower your standards and marry
someone with whom you can't be happy. But one
of the things I've realized as I've matured in life is
that if someone is willing to accept me —
imperfect as I am — then I should be willing to be
patient with others' imperfections as well. Since
you won't find perfection in your partner, and
your partner won't find it in you, your only chance
at perfection is in creating perfection together.”
• Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Reflection in the Water", Nov 1, 2009

23. Thank you.
All images courtesy of the media library on churchofjesuschrist.org, except personal family photos on slides 2, 15, 16, and 20.