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1. Puppy Raising Broke Me – Part 2
Witheveryotherpuppywe have raisedthatwas releasedfromGDB,we were toldexactlywhythat
decisionwasmade.Whenwe were toldthatPatrickwasgoingintoanotherline of work,I wasn’t
surprised,butIwas curious to knowwhatwouldbe nextforhim.Whenwe had our house checkbyone
of theirtrainersbefore we gotPatrick,we were toldthatthe majorityof the dogsintheirprogram that
don’tmake it as guidesgoon to dootherthings.I completelyunderstoodthis andIwasfine withPatrick
doingotherthingsif that waswhat wasbestfor him.Afterall,thatiswhat ismost importanttome:that
the decisionsmade forthe puppiesIraise are made intheirbestinterest.Butnothingwassaidabout
whattheythoughtwas bestforPatrick,just thathe wasreleasedandgoingintoanotherline of work.
More newsthatI was not preparedtohearwas that we wouldn’tknow where he wentorwhattype of
workhe wouldbe doing.The personororganizationhe wassentto wanted toremainanonymous.This
was verydifficulttohandle.We hadneverbeenmade aware of thisasa possibility,notbefore we got
Patrick,duringhisraising,orafterhis turn-in.If thiswasexplainedtousinthe meetingswe hadwith
GDD before we broughtPatrickintoourlives,Imightnothave made the decisiontoraise forthem.I
was notmentallypreparedforthisatall.I feel likehe islost.He couldbe anywhere now.
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I knowwhere everyotherpuppyIhave raisedhasendedup.Some of those dogsI still have a
relationshipwithandgettosee at times,andsome I have not seensince Iturnedtheminforformal
training.Iam at peace withthisbecause I know exactlywhotheyendedupwithandwhattheyare
doing.Ihave closure.

2. “People saythatwhat I doas a puppyraiserisa veryselflessact,butIdon’tdo it justto give back.I get
so muchin returnfor doingit.”
WithPatrick,I have no closure,andI am still strugglingtomove oninmy life.Ifeel like we have let
downeveryone whofolloweduswithhim.We broughtmanypeople alongonourjourneyandtheytoo
fell inlove withhim,justlikeus.Theytoowantto know whathappenedwithhim.Withoutclosure,we
have failedasstorytellers.Frankly,we are notonlyhurt bythisbut embarrassedaswell—we should
have done better.We shouldhave hadsome sortof contract inplace to guarantee that we hadclosure
to our story,but we were justtootrusting.
I have fosteredsomanyanimalsoverthe last18 yearsthat I have lost count.I have lovedeachand
everyone of them,andhave criedtears of sadnesswheneachone of themhave leftourhome and
movedonfrom mycare. But I knowthat because Iletthemgo,a spotin myhome openedupforthe
nextanimal inneed.Asfaras the puppiesintraininggo,Iam just a steppingstone forthem.Yes,my
heartbreakswhentheyleave,butIknow that theyare destinedforsomeone else andmyheartheals
quicklyonce Iknowwhat happenswiththemandhave thatclosure.
My heartisstill verybrokenafterPatrickleavingus,andatthispointI’m notsure it will everfullyheal.I
struggledwithwhathappenedsomuchthatI was consideringgivingupbeingapuppyraiser.Ijust
couldn’tgothroughit again.Whenwe firstgot the news,I struggledtofocusat work,struggledtosleep.
I was a messand justfeltlost.
People saythatwhatI do as a puppyraiserisa veryselflessact,butI don’tdo it justto give back.I getso
much inreturnfor doingit.I getto have a new puppyinmylife almosteveryyear—yes,Ihave a puppy
addictionandthisisthe healthiestwaytofeedit.Ilove thatI have made and continue tomake so many
great connectionswithotherpeople.Andnothingcantake the place of the way that I feel whenIsee
the bondbetweenapuppyI have raisedandtheirforeverperson,whetherasa service dogor as a
belovedpet.The factthatI helpedcreate thatrelationshipmakesmyheartwhole.Sharingstorieswith
the people whohave mydogsisand will alwaysbe one one the biggestrewardsof puppyraisingforme.
WithPatrick,for the firsttime everIfeel like Ihave losta puppy.He has justdisappearedtome.There is
no happyending,noseeingthatbondbetweenhimandwhoeverhe endedupwith,nopotentialof a
newrelationship,andnosharedstoriestobe told.For the firsttime ever,Iwasasking,“Whyam I doing
thisto myself?”Forthe firsttime ever,Ididn’twanttoraise again.I had losta part of whoI was and just
feltbroken.
I thoughtlongand hard about this,and forcedmyself totryand move onand raise again.I decidedtogo
back to GDB and ask to raise an oldertransferdog,a short-termcommitmenttotestthe watersagain.
Because I hadalwayshad a goodexperienceandclosure withthe puppiesIraisedforthem, itseemed
like the bestideaforme.We understoodthatthisnew puppycouldnotbe filmedorbe partof any
GUGP project.Thatwasn’timportantto me at the time.Thispuppyhada biggerpurpose thanto be
followedcloselyonsocial media.Thispuppywastohelpme decide if Istill haditinme to be a puppy
raiser.

3. RaisingforGDB againwas like goinghome foravisitafteryoumove out of the house.Cozyand familiar,
but notquite the same as whenyoulivedthere beforeyoumovedout.Iwaswarmlywelcomedbackby
everyone andIwasveryhappy tobe back and have the supportof the puppyraisinggroup.I am forever
grateful forthe supportI received,butforsome reason(the faultof noone but me) Istill feltlike Ididn’t
fullybelonganymore.
Arturowas a verysweet,goofy,lovable blackLabplacedwithusfora few months,anditwas a huge
helphavinghim.Ifeel like Arturowasa“rebound”dog,justlike whenyouhave abad breakupand you
needa reboundguyto helpyoumove on.Arturowas a veryhelpful steppingstone andIwill alwaysbe
thankful forhavingthe opportunitytobe partof hislife.He wasa reallygooddog andI made sure he
got lotsof love and attention,butIdo admitthat I hadmy guard up anddidn’tletmyself fall inlovewith
himlike previouspuppies.
As muchas I wantedArturoto helpmake me whole again,he didn’t.Tomysurprise,itwasthree
abandonedpuppiesthathelpedme move on.Bernard,Bianca,andPennychangedmylife forthe
better.Icouldn’thelp butfall madlyinlove withthem.Theirlovingpersonalitiesandtheirinnocence
forcedme to letmy guard downandI startedfeelinglike myself again.Ifeel like theywere meantto
come intomy life whentheydid.Beingpulledawayfromtheirmotherand abandonedatthree weeksof
age,theyneededme.Butittookme a few weekstorealize how muchIneededthem.Theydistracted
me from myheartache and depressioncausedbylosingPatrickandtheygave me a new focus.Theyhad
so muchlove to give andsuch greattemperamentsthatIhad feltcompelledtosee if Icouldhelpturn
themintoservice dogs.Atthe time,Iwas veryunsure if I couldactuallypull thisoff,butIwas
determinedtotry.
“Everyeventinlife isalesson,andI have learnedalotoverthe lastyear.”
I was notin a hurry to letthe puppiesgo,especiallybecause myheartwasstill insucha fragile state.But
once I foundBrigadoonService Dogs,Istartedto getexcitedaboutthe future forthe puppies.Mattand
I were warmlywelcomed whenwe droppedthe puppiesoff withthemandwe bothfeltvery
comfortable withhandingoverourbelovedpuppiestothem.We weren’tplanningonraisingagainjust
yet,butwhenwe saw that the organizationwasinneedof raisersandwe were giventhe opportunityto
pickone of the puppiestoraise,we hada veryhard time sayingno.Sometimesopportunitiescome into
your life whenyouaren’tfullyreadyforthem, buttheyare rightfor you.
Pennyhasbeenmypuppyangel,andworkingwithherandBrigadoonhas beenhelpingme more thanI
can say. I am slowlyhealingandfeelingmore andmore like myselfagain.Iam notas lostas I once was.
Afterraisingourfirstpuppy,Ihave alwaysfeltthatI was meantto be a puppyraiser.Pennyhasshown
me that it isstill a bigpart of whoI am. A new puppycannot replace another;itsimplytakesadifferent
piece of the heartand makesthe heart bigger.Iwill be foreverthankful tothese three puppiesand
Brigadoonforshowingme thatit isokay to love andletgo again.
Everyeventinlife isalesson,andI have learnedalotoverthe lastyear.I have learnedthatthingI love
doingthe most,can also hurtme the most.I wantedtoshare myexperiencenottomake people decide
againstpuppyraisingforfearof gettinghurt,butto helpothersrealize the importanceof choosingan

4. organizationtoraise forthat is rightfor them.Everyorganizationisdifferentandsoare people.Just
because GDD wasn’ta fitfor me,doesn’tmeanthattheyare nota goodorganizationtoraise for.I have
metmany raisersthathave had great experiencesraisingforthem.Same goesforGDB—Ihave always
had greatexperiencesraisingforthembutI know some raisersthatdidn’tnecessarilyhave thatsame
goodexperience.Everyone isdifferentandwill experience thingsdifferently.
I still wantto promote puppyraisingandencourage otherstodoit,eventhoughI have beenthrough
some toughtimes.Itis still averyrewardingexperience andIhope thatI haven’tdiscouragedanyone
fromdoingit.The bestadvice Ican give aftereverythingthatIhave beenthroughisto make sure the
organizationyouraise forfitsyourneedsandideals.
Thinkaboutit and askthe questionsaboutwhatisimportanttoyoubefore youbringhome a puppy.
Thismay be differentforeachperson.Forsome itmay be aboutthe type of trainingmethodsthe
organizationuses,whatthe organizationhelpspayfor,whetheryoucanhave a relationshipwiththe
recipientof yourpuppy,if youmustattendpuppymeetings, andsoon.These are justsome questionsto
thinkabout.
For myself,Inowunderstandthatthe mostimportantthingforme is to know where mypuppyendsup.
Thisis nowa newgoal of mine:tofigure outa wayto helppeople findthe rightorganizationforthemto
raise for.I wouldlove tosee newpuppyraisersfindinganorganizationthatfitstheirbeliefsandneeds,
and havingsucha great experience raisingapuppythat theywantto do itoverand overagain.There
are so manyorganizationsinneedof puppyraisersthatthere isa goodmatch out there foreveryone
whois interested.
As forme,I thinkthat I may foreverbe scarredbylosingPatrick,Istill have dayswhenIreallystruggle
withnotknowingwhatreallyhappenedwithhim.Onthe outside, mostwon’teverreallyseehowmuch
I have reallybeenaffectedbythis,butitisalwaysthere.Itry to put on a brave smile forpeople when
I’maround thembutthe tearsstill come whenI’malone andthoughtsof Patrickpopintomy head.
Where ishe?Is he okay? Doeshe have a comfy bedto sleepinatnight?Issomeone playingfrisbeewith
him?Is he happy?Doeshe feel loved?Some daysIfeel like abigbabyfor feelingthiswayandI justneed
to getover it.OtherdaysI thinkthat I’mreallynotaskingfor muchto know the answersto these
questions.
Hopefullythishasshedsome lightonwhyithastakenso longto finishPatrick’sepisodesandreveal
whatwe knowaboutPatrick.It has beenveryhardto go throughthiswithsomany people followingand
knowingthatwe letthose people down.Iamhopingthatsharingmy feelingsinthisblogwill notonly
helpwithmyhealingprocessandalsohelpothersmake choicesthatwill preventthemfromever
repeatingmyexperience.
For more detailson our products and services,please feel free tovisitus at: ptsd dog,hearing dog,
mobilitydog, psychiatric service dog, veteran dog.