The grief journey has endless facets. Letting go - in its many forms - becomes possible in its own time. When it comes you will face it - in your own way - just as I had to do.

1. Lessons of Letting Go.
From Volume 8 - Essay #14
Written Sunday May 24, 2020 / Day 286 / Morning
The last thing you want to do -
the first thing you need to go on.

2. It is nearly one week since the
latest wave of change hit.
The moment that had come
when I began to deal with
some of my wife’s belongings.

3. As has been the
case on this
journey - the
significance of
a moment is
often lost or
unrecognized
until the moment is
long past.

4. Last week’s moment
was significant when
it first occurred.
In the past days that
significance has continued.

5. In the back of
my mind there
has been a harshness running
- it is a small dialog that goes
something like this:

6. “You know you really
have to just get used to
all of this - stop holding
on to everything!”

7. It is a message I have
resisted, rejected
and have ignored.

8. The reality is that as much
as you do want to hold on
to something - whether it
is a memory, a person or
a situation - the truth is
that when enough time
passes - you have no
choice
but to let go.

9. You have to.

10. Because it is one of those things
we pretend we can do that we
really cannot accomplish.

11. Emotions drive that delusion because
in the narcotic-like state of emotions
comes it’s own reality.

12. A reality that is part fabrication -
part fact - part wishful thinking -
part resistance.

13. In this past week
I have faced the
un-faceable.

14. In the realm of the toxic - I have
had to navigate situations,
memories and artifacts that have
invoked a strong intense disarming
emotional onslaught of
negative energy.
In this past week there has been
a new reality.

15. The toxic has taken
a turn to be not so
intense.

16. This has been quite
a change.

17. And although the exercise
has not been easy nor
desirable - it has seemed to
emerge as something else.
Something I have
not seen so far.

18. Something necessary.

19. The surprise is that the embracing
of the necessary has not been a
strictly conscious effort.
That perspective appears to
live in the background.

20. A step that
seems to create
its own energy.
Energy that allows
me to perform
unthinkable tasks.
It is an after
effect of taking
one step…

21. In the intensity
department this
is a new level.
One in which the
intensity
is just
not that intense.

22. It is certainly a
welcome change.

23. There are moments
you could call an
“out of body”
experience”.

24. Nothing dramatic or weird -
just a perspective where you
see yourself doing
something you could not see
yourself doing -
while you are doing it.

25. For me this has been
my wife’s clothes.

26. As always, there
are a variety of
perspectives on
how to address
this issue.

27. It is always quite easy for the
un-emotionally involved to declare
a course of action for
you to take which you could
summarize by the admonition to:
“Just do it!”.

28. While those
of us who
are deeply
immersed in
the situation
would tell those
people to
take a hike.

29. In the past week I
realized this was
a task that
seemed to be
portrayed as a
task to start and
take care of
quickly.

30. Most people may be wired to
take that approach.
I on the other hand am
not most people.

31. The thought
struck me -
“I cannot do
this all at once.
But I can do
it differently”.

32. Differently to me turns out
to be - as you might say -
“divide and conquer”.

33. I reached in the closet each day and
just grabbed two things.
Just two - or a few. Then I took each
item and gently folded it and placed it
on the spare bed.

34. The same was true for the
dresser. Just grab a few
things and do the same.

35. By the end of the week I
had a rather substantial
group of items.

36. And interestingly
- there was not
an emotional
moment going on
as I surveyed the
items.

37. Yet in the
background -
I could feel
something going on.
I wasn’t quite sure
what it was.

38. Well, actually I
did know.

39. I was letting go.

40. Gently.

41. Gradually.

42. Yes, and painfully - but
I was.

43. And so it was that when Saturday
came - there was a trunk full of items
to go. Many clothes as well as others
things that emerged during the week.

44. As I drove away
from the donation
center - a place
she frequented
quite regularly as
a customer -
I felt an incredible
mixture of
emotions that
seemed to cancel
each other out.

45. A strange moment - one
which I may never really
come to understand.
But what it meant at one
level was clear to me.

46. The things I had just
donated needed to
follow their owner.

47. Their owner has left -
she has kept her
appointment
with destiny.

48. Now in the hands of the
One who has her in His
care. Awaiting her future…
…the future that awaits all
of us in Christ.

49. And now, I am helping her
possessions join her.
To perhaps do some good
for others as she so loved
to do
in every way she could.

50. I am doing my part - for her
and for me.
It is just not a cleaning
exercise.
It is so much more.

51. It is letting go of what was -
so God can take me
to what will be.

52. This part of the
journey has
now begun.

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From Facing Grief - The Essays - Volume 8 - Essay #14

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