- Mr Drillsby, a dentist and member of parliament, questions why members are required to swear allegiance to the Tooth Fairy and Prophet Appolonia given changing demographics in the country of Faedentia. - The Prime Minister and Minister for Immigration refuse to reconsider the requirement, citing tradition. The Minister for Health then accuses Mr Drillsby of having a secret agenda to legalize controversial dental procedures. - After a lengthy debate about religious doctrine and dental health, the Minister for the Environment claims to have found evidence that citizens who underwent dental procedures abroad are being reincarnated as numbats, silencing Mr Drillsby's arguments.

1. Hansard in the Country of Faedentia
Mr Drillsby (Bicuspiton): As the first dentist to sit on the cross benches and, please correct
me if I’m wrong, the government or opposition benches for that matter, I was especially
shocked and disappointed to find that before taking my seat I was required to conclude my
oath of allegiance with the words “SO HELP ME TOOTH FAIRY”. Madam Speaker I direct a
question to the Prime Minister: Does the government propose a review of parliamentary
procedures to remove references to the Tooth Fairy and the Prophet Appolonia and so bring
this house into line with current community values?
The Prime Minister Mr Habitson (Plaquesville): The government has no such plans Madam
Speaker. We believe the current protocols have wide community support. And may I add on
a personal note that my father and my grandfather before him fought for this country in the
Great Chocolate Wars and they were proud to swear allegiance in the name of the Tooth
Fairy and most of my fellow members here in this house share that common pride in our
heritage and our faith.
Mr Drillsby (Bicuspiton): Madam Speaker I have in my hand the latest census report from
the Bureau of Statistics. As a result of immigration over the last two or three decades,
Faedentia is now 8% Easter Bunnyist, 4% Santaclausian. Furthermore, 60% of respondents
described themselves as non-religious with 19% ticking the Afaerist box. Practicing Tooth
Fairyists are now a minority in Faedentia and, unless this house is very unrepresentative, in
Parliament as well. Afaerists elected to public office are put in the intolerable position of
either being unable to take their seats or making a hypocritical oath to a non-existent
fantasy creature.
(Interjections.) The speaker calls for order.)
The Speaker: The member for Bicuspiton will withdraw that remark.
Mr Drillsby (Bicuspiton): Madam Speaker I apologize to the house. I should have said, “an
entity they consider to be a non-existent fantasy creature.”
(Interjections.)
The Speaker: The member for Bicuspiton is warned.

2. Mr Drillsby (Bicuspiton): Yes, Madam Speaker. Let me direct a question to the Minister for
Immigration: Consider my fellow cross bench colleague; the member for Haresdown, Mr
Lapinaeus. He is the first, but hopefully not the last, Bunnyist to hold a seat in this house.
But even he was required to swear an oath in the name of the Tooth Fairy. Surely members
on both sides can see what a difficult position the member for Haresdown is in. Cannot an
exception be made in such cases?
The Minister for Immigration, Mr Gulagzarus (Desert Vista): The government has a
successful program of immigration that includes a substantial intake from both Easter
Bunnyist and Santaclausian countries. All immigrants settling in Faedentia are expected to
conform to our laws and values. We have a deep tradition of worship of the Tooth Fairy and
our Lord Appolonia. We are not about to abandon that bedrock of our culture. We are one
nation under the Tooth Fairy and this government will continue to honour that sacred
principle.
The Minister for Health, Mr Writalifa (Gingivaeus): If I may, Madam Speaker. I believe the
Member for Bicuspiton has a wider agenda in mind. An agenda that seeks to overturn some
of the most cherished principles of our nation. I have here a copy of an article written by Mr
Drillsby when he was president of the National Dental Association. In it he clearly and
unashamedly states his support for the extension of dental procedures below the gum line!
Madam Speaker if I may quote from the article; “Both root canal and extraction of highly
damaged or crowded teeth are procedures which will inevitably become routine once the
appropriate legislative changes are in place.” Madam Speaker, we have an extractionist in
our midst. But let me read on, “The NDA should pursue any means, including direct
representation in Parliament, to facilitate these changes.”
Perhaps the Member for Bicuspiton should lay his cards on the table. Does he or does he
not support dental work below the gum line? I scarcely need to remind members that such
procedures are illegal in Faedentia and a reflection of our faith in the greatness of the Tooth
Fairy who prescribed the limits of human interference with dentition in the Book of
Maxilomandibaeus.
Mr Drillsby (Bicuspiton): Madam Speaker, as a dentist I am the first to acknowledge the
wisdom of various passages of the Book of Maxilomandibaeus. Appolonia’s advice to the
Children of Impactidon to eat their crusts is still relevant today. And the prohibition of
chocolate has probably prevented millions of cavities. Although we now know that it’s the

3. sugar in chocolate, not the chocolate itself that is responsible for tooth decay. The current
government’s ongoing ban on the sale of chocolate while allowing children unrestricted
access to other highly sweetened products completely misses this point.
(Interjections. The Speaker calls for order.)
Mr Drillsby, (Bicuspiton): But the point I wish to make is that the Maxilomandibaeus was
written centuries ago when today’s surgical procedures, antibiotics, anaesthetics and so on
were simply not available. I have no doubt that procedures below the gum line caused more
harm than good in those days. But why should we continue to be constrained by mediaeval
religious prohibitions when we can resolve the dental pain and suffering of thousands of our
citizens by legalizing procedures such as root canal and tooth extraction?
The Minister for Health Mr Writalifa, (Gingivaeus): The Holy Maxilomandibaeus is a
revelation from the Tooth Fairy to our Lord Appolonia. It is not our place to cherry pick
those bits we fancy and reject the rest. The consequences of extraction are made very clear.
“If a man taketh from his head a tooth in pain so in death the Tooth Fairy shall taketh not
one but all his teeth both front and back e’en unto a thousand times he is reborn.”
Mr Drillsby, (Bicuspiton): Madam Speaker if the member for Gingivaeus is going to bring up
that hoary old chestnut about toothless reincarnation, let me ask him; where are the
toothless mutants in the Bunnyist and Santaclausian countries where extraction has been
practiced for generations? There’s not one Madam Speaker! Not one!
The Minister for Health Mr Writalifa, (Gingivaeus): Madam Speaker, I fear the member for
Bicuspiton’s understanding of Faerology is not up to the high standards of his knowledge of
illegal dental practices. If he bothered to read the Book of Maxilomandibaeus he would have
his answer. Allow me to enlighten him. The Holy Book continues: “Those who assume unto
themselves the place of the Tooth Fairy by cutting or pulling within the pinkness of the
mouth shall be cast as the beasts of the earth upon their return.” This passage was
definitively interpreted at the Ecumenical Conference of 1286 to mean that sinners will be
reborn as toothless animals; specifically anteaters. As a man of science I am sure the
member for Bicuspiton is aware of the large numbers of aardvarks and pangolins in the
countries which practice tooth extraction. This government has no intention of condemning
our own citizens to a thousand lifetimes of toothless slurping of ants and termites.

4. Mr Drillsby (Bicuspiton): Madam Speaker, increasing numbers of Faerdentians no longer
take these warnings seriously. In my own electorate there is a growing trend towards dental
tourism. People are going overseas to Bunnyist countries for the dental treatment they can’t
get here. This is expensive, time consuming and in many cases unfeasible, especially for
those on lower incomes. Let the people of Faedentia make their own decisions about their
oral health and lift the restrictions on these hugely beneficial procedures.
The Minister for the Environment Mr Chopemdaun, (Nullarbor): Madam Speaker, if I may
respond to the member for Bicuspiton. The government is aware of this so called dental
tourism and that a significant number of elderly patients have undergone extractions
overseas. Many of these individuals have subsequently died of natural causes. My
department has been monitoring a correlation between these cases and a slow but steady
increase in the population of a termite eating marsupial the numbat. The numbat, as it
happens, is endemic to the electorate of Bicuspiton. Madam Speaker, I believe this is what is
colloquially referred to as a smoking gun.
Mr Drillsby, (Bicuspiton): Numbats? Numbats, Numbats. I, well. Numbats?
Mr Tufa’ta’tharait, (Wakizville): Madam Speaker, I would like to ask the member for
Bicuspid if he advocates the legalization of pacifiers, dummies or other forms of oral
masturbation?
Mr Drillsby, (Bicuspid): Numbats, numbats, numbats.
The Prime Minister Mr Habitson, (Plaquesville): I believe, Madam Speaker, that the
member for Bicuspid has had an epiphany. All praise to the Tooth Fairy. Shall we move on to
other business?
DW May 2010