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7. FRONT OFFICE
GOLDBERG
What is this? (waves case file angrily)
SILENT LADY looks at the case and then back at him,
blinking.
GOLDBERG
Okay, it’s a case. I’m not blind. Why is it here?
SILENT LADY waits.
8. GOLDBERG
It’s a woohooing elf lord! The kind that owns people!
I don’t defend people like that. (drops the case on
SILENT LADY’S desk) Get rid of it.
SILENT LADY picks the case up and hands it back.
GOLDBERG
I told you, I don’t defend elf lords! (throws the
case back on SILENT LADY’S desk)
SILENT LADY picks up the case, opens the folder, and
hands it back.
9. GOLDBERG
(barely glances at it) I don’t care if the schmuck
stole all of Macdeirféar Thornleaf’s “property,” I --
SILENT LADY continues to hold out the case, bored.
GOLDBERG
Thornleaf? As in Ælfric?
SILENT LADY waggles the case enticingly.
GOLDBERG
All right, I’ll have a look. But I don’t defend elf
lords.
10. TIARNA’S GARDEN
TIARNA
Thank you for taking my case, Mr. Goldberg.
GOLDBERG
I agreed to meet, not to take the case.
TIARNA inclines his head.
TIARNA
Understood. Thank you for that.
11. GOLDBERG
So... Nice place you got here.
TIARNA
(shrugs) It’s nice to have money sometimes.
GOLDBERG
You couldn’t just spend some of that on the girl --
Lucinda?
TIARNA
I offered a good price. Slightly above fair market
value, actually. Macdeirféar wouldn’t sell. He’s fond
of her, apparently.
12. GOLDBERG
Apparently not enough to keep her with him.
TIARNA
Oh, leasing for a year and a day is very traditional.
And very lucrative.
GOLDBERG
Why would anyone lease a favorite to you?
TIARNA
Because I offered a pantsload of money plus a favor?
13. GOLDBERG
I read up on you, Mr. Brightdawn. You have the
highest “attrition rate” of anyone in the Eastern
Kingdom.
TIARNA
Yes, I do, don’t I. Funny how nobody asks to see the
bodies. Do you know, if people are willing to squash
up a bit, you can fit three to a coffin?
15. GOLDBERG
And what happens after they squish up three to a
coffin?
TIARNA
Immediately? They move on to the next station.
Eventually? They reach one border or another, and
cross.
GOLDBERG is silent; you can almost see the wheels
spinning.
17. GOLDBERG
You couldn’t just say she was dead?
TIARNA
He’d want to see the body.
GOLDBERG
So you said she ran away.
TIARNA spreads his hands.
TIARNA
What else could I say? I couldn’t produce a body,
live or dead.
18. GOLDBERG
And Macdeirféar accused you of theft.
TIARNA
It’s logical enough. I’m afraid it didn’t help that I
couldn’t let them search.
GOLDBERG
Because?
TIARNA looks at him.
GOLDBERG
Oh, right.
19. TIARNA
They can search now. It’s clear. Although it might
look good if my learned counsel were to persuade me
to cooperate. (raises an eyebrow) I do have a learned
counsel, don’t I, Mr. Goldberg?
GOLDBERG
You bet your ass.
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22. COURTROOM
GOLDBERG
Did my client take Lucinda by force, sir? Did he ride
up on a big black horse, wearing a cape and a mask
and one of those floppy hats with the feathers, sweep
her up, and carry her off with him?
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
No, of course not.
23. GOLDBERG
Ah, then he put on a black ski mask and a stylish
black-and-white striped sweater and climbed a ladder
into her room, where he put a pillowcase over her
head and tied her hands with the curtain cord before
absconding with her down the ladder?
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
No.
24. GOLDBERG
I see. Then he must have put on a wet suit and a
scuba mask and tunneled up through the ornamental
fish pond --
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
He leased her for a year and a day.
GOLDBERG
No masks?
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
Don’t be stupid.
25. GOLDBERG
Ah, but perhaps when my client proposed the lease, he
grabbed your arm and twisted it so far behind your
back that you were in fear of it popping out of the
socket.
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF sneers.
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
There is nothing a squib like that could do to make
me do something I didn’t want to do.
26. GOLDBERG
Oh, certainly, certainly! But when my client used a
glamourie of persuasion --
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
He’s a squib. There is nothing he could do.
GOLDBERG
Well, being persuasive doesn’t necessarily mean that
it involved glamourie. I’m sure that my client’s
natural eloquence overcame --
27. MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
He. Is. A. Squib. The lease was my idea. I wanted him
to owe me a favor. And he stole my Lucinda!
GOLDBERG
So there was no guile?
MACDEIRFÉAR THORNLEAF
No!
GOLDBERG
No trickery?
29. GOLDBERG
Can you tell us what your search results were, Mr.
Pertt?
XAVIER
Negative. The Waldo, the Chameleon, and the Frank
turned up nothing. Those are standard tests for
trying to find a person. Or any mammal, really.
GOLDBERG
And the Wells?
XAVIER
Negative.
30. GOLDBERG
And did you find Lucinda?
XAVIER
I just said no.
GOLDBERG
I apologize. Did you find anywhere she might be
hiding?
XAVIER
If we’d found that, we’d’ve found her.
31. GOLDBERG
Again, I apologize. Did you locate anywhere she might
have been hidden in the past awaiting resale?
XAVIER
No.
GOLDBERG
Did you find a body? Or any evidence that she might
have been killed?
XAVIER
We didn’t look.
32. GOLDBERG
No? That seems pretty logical to me. Why not?
XAVIER
Mr. Thornleaf has a twig.
GOLDBERG
As in, a twig that indicates the life state of the
person who is tuned to it?
XAVIER
It’s more that the twig is tuned to the person, but
yes.
33. GOLDBERG
An Lucinda’s twig is green? So she’s still alive?
XAVIER
Yes.
GOLDBERG
And she’s not on my client’s land, or on any property
he owns?
XAVIER
No.
34. GOLDBERG
And I see in your report that you’ve also noget
forfærdeligted all my client’s lands and environs.
You’ll forgive me, I’m not a trained professional.
That means...?
XAVIER
If the girl crosses any boundary to which your client
has set his mark, his vital organs will shrivel up,
his genitals will drop off, his fat will melt off his
bones through every available orifice, and his
eyeballs will probably explode.
35. GOLDBERG
Does that include his personal boundary? His body?
XAVIER
Actually, it extends one hundred yards beyond his
person. Roughly ninety-one and a half meters, if you
prefer.
GOLDBERG
That’s rather extreme, isn’t it? Rather expensive?
XAVIER
It’s what the client paid for.
36. GOLDBERG
So there is no way my client, Mr. Brightdawn, could
use Lucinda for her intended purpose?
XAVIER
Resale, perhaps. Or rental on some property that is
not his own.
GOLDBERG
But not for her, ah, intended purposes?
XAVIER
Not at all.
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39. COURTROOM
SKLAVENHÄNDLER
She wasn’t traded within these borders.
GOLDBERG
But how can you be sure of that, Mr. Sklavenhändler?
You don’t own a trading house.
SKLAVENHÄNDLER
I do better. I own the database.
GOLDBERG
The database?
40. SKLAVENHÄNDLER
The database where every trade is tracked. Every
sale, every price, every trade, every body that
passes through any trading house in the Eastern
Kingdom, they all come through my database.
GOLDBERG
But what about illegal houses? Dark, off-the-books,
under-the-table houses? Maybe ones where the sellers
don’t exactly own what they’re selling?
41. SKLAVENHÄNDLER
Them too. Do you know how they finally brought down
Noble the Cuckold, Mr. Goldberg? Unregistered
trading. Such a little thing, but it leads to having
acid poured on your endlessly regenerating liver for
five hundred years at a minimum. The taxman always
takes his due, Mr. Goldberg, so unless the seller is
suicidal, all trades are registered. And there were
no trades involving that body.
GOLDBERG
Okay, but maybe they used another name...
42. SKLAVENHÄNDLER
My system is better than that, Mr. Goldberg. I have
trolls recording a three hundred point list of
distinguishing characteristics of every body involved
in every trade, which is compared against a list of
the same characteristics for every owned body in the
Eastern Kingdom. More than seventy-five points of
similarity will trigger an automatic investigation,
with genetic sampling if a master sample is on file.
The body in question had such a sample in the
database, and there were no matches. It’s a very
comprehensive system, Mr. Goldberg. This is very big
business.
43. GOLDBERG
Trolls, huh? Uncorruptible and unimaginative. Not
likely to make things up.
SKLAVENHÄNDLER
That’s why I hire them.
GOLDBERG
So my client could not have traded Lucinda on? Or
made a profit from her in any way?
SKLAVENHÄNDLER
Not unless he rented her out on his own property.
44. GOLDBERG
Or someone else’s property.
SKLAVENHÄNDLER
No. That’s one of the three hundred points for this
body. If she’s not on the property of her owner or
legally subcontracted leassee, there’s a cantrip
embedded in her brain stem that that will paralyze
her from the ears down instantly. She’d die.
45. GOLDBERG
And that works no matter where she is?
SKLAVENHÄNDLER
Anywhere within the Eastern Kingdom, yes.
GOLDBERG
Thank you, Mr. Sklavenhändler. No further questions.
46. CONFERENCE ROOM FOR THE DEFENSE
GOLDBERG
I can’t believe he said that about the brain stem! We
have this in the bag now! (sobers) But that’s so --
so inhuman. And it’s a real thing now?
It’s rhetorical, but SILENT LADY nods. After an
incongruously tense beat, she taps the small of her
back.
47. GOLDBERG
They’ll cantrip the base of the spine, too? Arrogant,
barbaric, interfering woohoo-headed bastards! (sigh)
And we’ve got one of them to defend, so let’s get
back out there. Is my tie straight?
SILENT LADY regards GOLDBERG critically for a moment,
and then nods. GOLDBERG exits and SILENT LADY slumps
against the wall, eyes closed.
48. GOLDBERG
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is many
things, but he is not a thief. The law is very clear
on this point. A thief is someone who take something
that belongs to another, whether by guile, by
trickery, or by force. A thief takes property for
profit, either to use themselves for its intended
purpose, or to exchange for money, goods, or
services. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have
conclusively proved that none of those circumstances
apply to my client. Consider: My client did not take
Lucinda by guile, force, or trickery. Mr. Thornleaf
was quite clear that it was a legal contract, freely
entered into by both parties.
49. GOLDBERG
Consider: My client made no profit off his possession
of Lucinda. Mr. Sklavenhändler has assured us that my
client could not, did not, trade her anywhere within
these borders. Therefore, my client could not, did
not, profit off Lucinda in any way. Consider: My
client could not rent her out off his own property
without killing her, and yet Mr. Pertt has proof that
she is not dead. Consider: My client cannot come
within one hundred yards of her without (stage
whisper) his genitals dropping off. (normally) Now,
that defeats the entire purpose, doesn’t it?
Laughter from THE JURY.
50. GOLDBERG
Now, if this were a trial for criminal negligence of
Mr. Thornleaf’s property, then you could convict him.
Absolutely. If this were a civil trial for breach of
contract, nobody could be more guilty than my client,
because he cannot produce Lucinda as set forth in the
agreement. Corrupted files, if this were a trial for
being a slave-owning piece of censor blur, I would
urge you to convict without hesitation! But this is a
trial for theft, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
and by the legal definition of theft my client is
clearly not a thief. I must therefore regretfully ask
you to acquit him. Thank you.
51. GOLDBERG’S OFFICE
TIARNA
An unusual tactic, Mr. Goldberg. Very unusual.
GOLDBERG
But it worked.
TIARNA
That’s true. It did. I would imagine it doesn’t work
all that often, though, does it?
52. GOLDBERG
I’ve never lost a case.
TIARNA
Never? (pause) Ah, I see. You only take cases you
think you can win.
GOLDBERG
I take cases I think are right.
There is a long and not entirely comfortable pause,
broken when SILENT LADY coughs theatrically from the
doorway and taps her wrist.
53. TIARNA
Your admirable assistant is right. (rises) It’s late,
and I should let you go home. (places a small but
very heavy box on GOLDBERG’S desk) Worth every
copper, Mr. Goldberg. I thank you.
GOLDBERG stands and walks him to the door.
54. GOLDBERG
Yeah, well… I don’t like elf lords. But you’re not as
bad as most of them.
TIARNA laughs.
TIARNA
I could say the same about lawyers. Until we meet
again, hopefully under better circumstances.
GOLDBERG and TIARNA shake hands before TIARNA leaves.
55. GOLDBERG returns to the desk and sits down. SILENT
LADY passes him an already-filled-in deposit slip.
She picks up the heavy box and puts it in her purse
as GOLDBERG signs the deposit slip.
56. GOLDBERG
I wonder if you could beat Sklavehändler’s database.
You’d need to cover up scars. And birthmarks. And get
ownership tataus removed. (yawns) Or altered. But
what would you do about your fingerprints?
SILENT LADY shrugs and holds out her hand for the
deposit slip. GOLDBERG hands it to her, glancing at
her palm has he does so. SILENT LADY leaves,
pointedly turning off the light. GOLDBERG looks at
his own palm and then just sits, thoughtful, in the
gathering dark.
![[GOLDBERG & SILENT LADY opening credits standard version]](https://image.slidesharecdn.com/gsltrialepisode-full-130615085800-phpapp01/85/Goldberg-Silent-Lady-Defending-Elf-Lords-1-320.jpg)
