An enterprise software vendor quoted someone on twitter saying "<product> helps solve the DevOps Porblem". Well, I've Got 99 Problems But DevOps Ain't One. Apologies to Jay-Z

1. I got 99 Problems but
DevOps Ain’t One

2. Why?
“…helps solve the DevOps problem…”

3. 1. ACLs
2. Firewalls
3. Routing Tables
4. SDN
5. VLANs
6. VXLAN
7. Contexts
8. Line Cards
9. iptables

4. 10.File Systems
11.Stale NFS mounts
12.fsck
13.My filesystem developer killed someone
(ReiserFS)
14.selinux

5. 15.Ruby
16.Python
17.PERL (?)
18.PHP
19.register_globals=on
20.JavaScript
21.NaN
22.Node
23.nohup node server.js &

6. 24.MySQL
25.MySQL Replication
26.Corrupt DB table
27.No transactions
28.SQL
29.No SQL
30.No Indexes
31.Oracle
32.Oracle
33.Oracle

7. 34.AWS US-EAST-1
35.Schrödinger’s Instance (up and down at same
time)
36.Forgetting to destroy 2 TB of EBS volumes on
your personal credit card
37.Cloud Bursting
38.Speed of Light

8. 39.Viruses
40.Spyware
41.My Mom’s computer and viruses
42.My Mom’s computer and SpyWare
43.My anti-virus developer is high in Belize and
killed someone

9. 44.Amdahl’s Law
45.Consistency
46.Availability
47.Partitioning
48.Fallacies of Distributed Computing
49.Where I woke up this morning
50.And who’s goat is this?

10. 51.Java
52.JVMs
53.Heap Allocation
54.Stack Allocation
55.Garbage Collection
56.HotSpot Errors
57.Java

11. 58.svn
59.Team Foundation Server
60.Rational
61.Mercurial
62.GitHub (going down)
63.ci

12. 64.Vendors
65.Recruiters
66.LinkedIn
67.Marketing
68.Marketing
69.Marketing
70.Scanning your badge at a conference and
then getting endless emails trying to sell you
something

13. 71.Linux Kernel Panics
72.Mac OS X Kernel Panics
73.Windows Blue Screens
74.Kernel Patches
75.Firmware Updates
76.OS Patches
77.Patch Tuesday
78.Not patching (ever)

14. 79.The CEO
80.Investors
81.Seed Round
82.A Round
83.B Round
84.IPO
85.Stock Options
86.Not getting paid market rate, but “look at all
the options we gave you”

15. 87.DNS
88.Domain Keys
89.Sender Policy Framework
90.Reverse Lookups
91.BIND
92.Pretentious DNS Developers (djbdns)
93.Windows DNS
94.WTF is my IP (wtfismyip.com/json)

16. 95.CloudStack
96.OpenStack
97.Eucalyptus
98.Open Cloud
99.Software Defined Everything

17. If you’re having code problems I
feel bad for you son, I got
99
problems but DevOps ain’t one