How to cope with suicidal thoughts

1. Conversations with my Beretta about Coping with Extreme Personal Adversity
http://www.realwarriors.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=257
Note: the following is copied from a blog posted on the above web address. The text has not been
changed except paragraph breaks were added to make it easier to read. The hyperlinks below were also
added to help you read the writer’s comments on certain topics and issues as he dealt with suicidal
thoughts. However, it’s best to read the 13 reasons in the order presented. –PAO, 95th CABDE (A)
AFN Flashbacks Pets Sex
Alcohol Future Psychiatric Sleeping enough?
Army of One Friends evaluation Suicide
Attorneys Humor Psychologists prevention
Children Medications PTSD Therapists
Colleagues Mindfulness Religion Tricare
Commanders No contact order Seroquel Wife
US FIELD MANUAL TO NOT KILLING YOURSELF/13 REASONS WHY NOT
Copyright 2009
by Philip Lisagor on Wed Sep 30, 2009 1:14 pm
Preface: I served a third combat tour in Iraq in 2007-2008. I was a senior Colonel and Chief of
Surgery at a Combat Support Hospital and I had over twenty years of service in the military that
included more than a dozen deployments. Three of these were combat tours. In 2007 there
were unit related mission issues and I insured that the mission was successfully carried out.
The unit had a broken leadership chain and was without technical expertise in trauma surgery.
Eventually, I was accused of vague allegations and was subjected to being in Iraq without a job
and in a non-contact status with my colleagues for five months. This was a period of extreme
personal adversity for me.
I was subject to two 15-6 investigations, an Article 32 investigation, an Article 15 Hearing and a
Professional Peer Review of my clinical activities and a Command ordered Psychiatric
Evaluation.
When I returned home, I was investigated by the Veterans Administration where I worked as
Chief of Surgery and by the State Medical Board.
I was sixty three years old and possibly had more resources available to me than younger
soldiers and officers to deal with this adversity.
Still, I had to pass through many feelings of anger, depression, hopelessness, loneliness, fear,
uncertainty, idleness, boredom and suicide.

2. I have detailed some of the ways I survived the ordeal that came to me.
I hope this is helpful to anyone undergoing a period of extreme personal adversity whatever the
cause: family relations, problems with love and relationships, health problems, death,
employment issues, financial problems, peer relations or problems of growing up or growing
older.
Everyone says, “Don’t kill yourself.”
Here are 13 ways I didn’t kill myself and they will be presented is a serialized form over the next
few weeks.
1. TV Can Save Your Life-
I walked into the COB Speicher Dining Facility (DEFAC) located across from the main gym. I had
to show my weapon to gain entry.
This was a large warehouse with a protective sombrero roof. The building was clean and air
conditioned. Multiple flat screen TVs were high on the walls around the two separate dining
rooms. Usually they were tuned to various sporting events and during daytime viewing, some of
them showed the news on Fox News Network. It was rumoured that at night CNN was shown as
the news channel.
KBR had their act together and there were many options for troops to eat. There was a
standard mess hall line with hot meals; there was a sandwich bar, a Mongolian stir fry bar and a
healthy food bar. And it was all you could eat. The dessert bars offered pastries and ice cream.
Beverages included milk, soda pop, coffee, tea and alcohol free beer.
I was on a no contact order with my unit during an investigation so I almost always ate alone to
avoid my friends and colleagues violating this order. It wasn’t a happy time or a pleasant
experience the two or three times a day I visited the DEFAC.
The enormous quantity and diversity of food was clearly a comfort move by the Army to
upgrade the proverbial “three hots and a cot” which still goes a long way to improve troop
morale. I felt pretty low as I ate my food. All of the television shows are brought to troops by
Armed Forces Network.
AFN doesn’t run commercials, but instead has a series of public service announcements. I
remember vividly that afternoon the AFN spot came on with a suicide prevention message.
The message simply said, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
I took a deep breath. I got it, Hang in there, things will get better. I cleared my tray into the
garbage can and walked back to my hooch, alone.

3. Always alone. Inside, I took off my weapon and hung it up on the wall and sat down on my bed
to read. I looked across the room and saw my Beretta hanging there and I took another deep
breath.
“Not going to do it,” I told myself.
Good old Army, they hurt you and then in the most unexpected manner they help you.
Last edited by philiplisagor on Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
philiplisagor
2. TV Can Save Your Life-
A favorite movie of troops in Iraq was “Ground Hog Day.”
The monotony of life in a combat zone isn’t easy to describe. There is a sense of grayness that
hangs over each day. The heat and dust doesn’t help either. And if you are troubled by
problems, it becomes hard to find the joy that punctuates days and weeks.
Time becomes a blur. I was eating alone in the DEFAC, trying to concentrate on my food but my
mind was ruminating on the bad things that had happened to me. I was overwhelmed by fear
about the future and uncertainty as to what my future could possibly hold for me.
My only companions were boredom and idleness. Things were not good. It must have been an
NFL game on the tube, or maybe it was a news show.
The AFN spot came on and someone was telling me that “if you commit suicide, you are
increasing the chances of your children eventually killing themselves by over fifty per cent.” I
looked up at the TV.
I heard this right into my core. I didn’t want to do anything that would hurt my children and
with this new information I immediately realized that I had to endure the pain I was having.
I would not subject them to this increased risk. Back in my hootch, I took out my Beretta and
field stripped the weapon. I cleaned it and oiled it. I wiped it down and put it back in the holster
and hung it up on the wall.
“Good old Army,” I told myself, “They are taking care of me on preventing suicide.”
Maybe some people never even think about suicide. In my case, when the despair became
great, when the pain was overwhelming, I would think about killing myself. Ending it all.
Sometimes, I wouldn’t be thinking about it, but the thought would come into my head.

4. Often, I thought the Army was treating me in a manner to encourage suicide. No contact orders
and no one from the unit ever came by to check up on me. Thoughts of suicide and thinking
about suicide aren’t uncommon.
But when you start planning suicide, making plans to kill yourself, that is when the alarms need
to go off.
Get professional help. The TV spot messages helped me never get to the planning stage. TV
saved my life.
by philiplisagor on Mon Oct 05, 2009 12:52 pm
3. Belief in self:
In between “Be all you can be,” and “Army Strong” there was a time when the Army recruiting
motto was “An Army of One.”
I never understood this motto as the main attraction of the Army for me was groups of people,
often large groups of people, working together to achieve extraordinary accomplishments. This
ranged from small squad tactics crossing a field in Botswana, to erecting a field hospital in
central Turkey, to liberating Kuwait.
But, when you are in trouble, you will be shunned by your unit. The unit is the basic strength of
the Army. Guys fight and die for their buddies and for their unit, not for their country.
But in times of trouble, buddies can become scarce and the unit may deal administratively with
a troubled soldier or officer but not humanely and compassionately.
I am reminded of a red molly in my small fish tank at home. One day I noticed that his tail had
been bitten off. He was treading water vertically in a corner of the tank.
I figured he was done for, but he proved to be a survivor. Day after day I noted he was in the
same vertical position, head down and treading water. If I tapped the tank, he was able to swim
away and then return to his corner.
The other two red mollies shunned him and the other species of fish only came near to harass
him. Maybe we are not so different from these fish.
I had to find the strength to believe in myself. Easy to say, hard to do. And you don’t have to do
it on your own.
Even in a combat zone, help is available. The usual sources include the mental health resources
at a Combat Stress Center, the clergy, possibly friends and family.

5. Within each of us there is a will to live, to continue on, to endure and see what happens.
Inner strength and access to inner strength may come and go, it may waver, but it is always
present.
Even if you are feeling only 3 feet tall and with a small voice; alone, afraid and miserable, you
must believe in yourself.
You will get through, time will pass, and miracle of miracles, as time passes you will find that
you will become stronger.
Pressure makes diamonds and stress will strengthen you. And by the way, that molly fish who
had lost its tail learned to swim in a slightly diagonal manner and after four or five days, was all
over the tank again. I looked at my Beretta and it was far away.
Re: US Field Manual to Not Killing Yourself/13 Reasons Why Not
by emilystehr on Mon Oct 05, 2009 6:45 pm
hello sir,
thanks so much for your 13 reasons why not to kill yourself. i was only able to read reasons 1-3.
first i would like to say thank you for "coming out of the closet" with your mental health
experiences.
as you know, the stigma with mental health issues in the military is intense. i truly believe that
the more people who talk about their experiences, and esp. how they coped and overcame their
personal adversity, the more we can decrease the stigma and encourage mental health, better
relationships, increased mission accomplishment, etc.
regarding the AFN commercials, i too, have to give props to AFN. my crisis day when i knew that
i would either be admitted to the hospital or i would be dead, i remember saying to myself, talk
to someone, tell someone, that's what those silly commercials tell you to do.
so the commercials really did help me not terminate myself. good job AFN.
regarding believing in yourself, i absolutely agree 100%. i'm sorry that you weren't supported
during your situation, but i applaud you for looking inward and saving yourself.
what an outstanding role model for the rest of us struggling with mental health issues and
suicide. i look forward to seeing reasons 4-13. thanks for writing sir. please keep it up.
thanks
emily stehr
by philiplisagor on Mon Oct 12, 2009 1:34 pm

6. 4. Belief in Personal Mission:
Each one of us is here for a reason.
I think we all know this down deep, even if it takes us our entire life to understand and find out
what that reason is. We are singing a song without knowing the words, doing an unnamed
dance without knowing the steps.
In my case, I was genetically programmed to take care of the sick and injured and to do this
with my mind, my hands, and a knife.
I was also here to bring up my two daughters, Jessica and Sara and to be a husband to Susan
and a brother to Nancy.
Yes, there were other missions; to fear God and keep his Commandments. And that was a lot
and I was lucky to have these missions and even luckier to be aware of them.
The Army had taught me to take care of the people under me and they would take care of the
mission.
In this case, once I was under the gun in Iraq, I was the person under me and I focused on
taking care of myself.
This meant making sure I ate properly, slept enough and kept myself physically and mentally
active.
Again, easy to say, hard to do.
Eating alone in the mess hall, the one place for comfort from the heat, dust and grayness of Iraq
was always difficult and never became easier. Still, I made sure I ate at least two meals a day. I
went back and forth between eating very healthy and going for the comfort food. That was
okay.
And I grabbed a pocketful of snacks and drinks for a generous snack later on as I didn’t have the
strength to come in to the chow hall alone three times a day.
Sleeping enough? Without a job and with no social life on account of the no contact order, I had
way too much time. Sleep was one way to pass the hours, but with my mind racing it was
impossible to put together a full night’s sleep.
Maybe it was the adrenalin flowing through me but I was up at least three times a night to
urinate.

7. And then I’d wake up with bad thoughts about the uncertainty and fear of what would happen
to me.
I tried to deal with this by doing yoga and meditation and exhausting myself at the gym. But it
didn’t work.
Next thing I knew, I was taking Benadryl pills to put me to sleep. But they didn’t keep me
asleep.
Then I was taking Ambien sleeping pills along with Seroquel to sleep.
Seroquel is a major tranquilizer, but in low dose is used for sleep. Its side effect includes
calming down a racing mind. This combination of medication took ten hours to wear off each
night and it did give me relief.
Eventually, I felt myself becoming paranoid and stopped taking the Ambiens with the
Seroquels.
Seroquels are called Suzie Q’s by the inmates in the LA County Jail where they are a favorite
drug. If you are taking Suzy Q’s, you aren’t there!
Sleep is good, even if you need drugs when compared to the panic of nighttime coming and
knowing that sleep will not come.
Physical activity was important to keeping me going.
At sixty three years of age, I can only work out so much each day. I would vary my routine with
long walks, yoga, light weight training and spinning classes on a stationary bicycle. However, I
wasn’t able to have the physical break through that could have been possible with this much
time on my hands.
Anxiety and fear chews up inner energy and there was just enough energy left in me do my
work out once each day.
Mentally, I began to read fiction from the local lending libraries. Mostly this was what was
available, but someone donated their New Yorkers each week and these lengthy articles in
addition to the steady stream of adventure books let me know that my mind was still working.
Fiction took me away, and “I wasn’t here” even without the drugs.
It was a challenge to take care of myself so I could complete my mission which was to endure
the uncertainty and delays of military injustice.

8. But I was able to do this. Alcohol wasn’t available for me in Iraq, but upon returning home I
returned to having a few beers with my friends, some wine with dinner and a shot before bed.
I quickly came to realize that as a result of the stress I no longer handled alcohol the way I used
to. More than two beers and I’d be out of it and would remain a little bit off the next day. Plus
the alcohol hurt my sleeping which was tenuous at best.
If I drank within four or five hours of bedtime, I’d wake up like a shot about two in the morning
and would be unable to get back to sleep. If I really drank too much, I would wake up with a
headache.
I had to make myself pay attention to the change in how I processed alcohol and drink less and
not drink at all prior to going to bed. Inside the wire, where there was no threat back in Iraq, I
wore my Beretta, it was only a part of my uniform.
philiplisagor
by philiplisagor on Wed Oct 14, 2009 12:33 pm
5. My Wife:
A week into my social isolation in Iraq brought about by a no contact order, I spoke with the
Commander who had put this upon me and I told him I needed to discuss my situation with my
wife, Susan. He granted this and I thought how I would inform her about what had befallen me.
I decided to share my situation first with a military and surgical colleague who was a friend of
the family. I did this with him by phone and by email and then made arrangements with him to
visit Susan after I had spoken with her.
Susan never dropped a beat and after she heard the story and from that moment on she had
total support for me and faith and belief in me as a person and as her husband. She
participated in finding me the best civilian attorney for a military case and continued to have a
bright and upbeat outlook even though I could tell that inside she was suffering.
We discussed my problems but kept our eyes on the rest of the family including our two
daughters who were away at school. She told me money was not an issue and she soldiered on
amazingly well.
When I finally returned home, the first thing she did was to take me to a Buddhist meditation
weekend which was perfect as I didn’t feel like talking too much anyhow. Then we made
arrangements for a get away mini-vacation to Jamaica. Susan never wavered in her support for
me and what I was going through.

9. Even when we thought I would lose my civilian job and have to live on a couple of pensions and
social security, she stepped up and said we could sell the mountain home she had hoped to
keep. She ran the numbers and concluded we could probably get by without selling anything,
just living much more frugally.
She was always there to hold my hand and touch my cheek in the morning. She loved and
accepted me and was there with understanding and support.
Sex was different. I know I felt the desire but at the same time felt I didn’t deserve her favors.
Or if I was all jazzed up, she had other things on her agenda. This isn’t unusual for spouses to
become more independent while their mates are deployed.
We talked about this together and with a therapist. Slowly with time, things improved.
I think when I found the ability to laugh and smile a little more; I also found the ability to
become a lover once again.
Don’t think that alcohol or sex will make the problems go away. No way! When I was home, I
arranged for us to deal with the stress that added to our lives and weighed on our shoulders
and hearts with family counseling.
Surprisingly, the stress, counseling and experience have strengthened our relationship. A good
wife is a great ally.
by philiplisagor on Sun Oct 18, 2009 12:34 pm
6. Family, Home and Pets:
Iraq was gray with a polluted sky. It was hot and I was miserable, living inside my own head
accompanied by feelings of fear, uncertainty, boredom, loneliness and anger.
Armed Forces Network had already made me aware that killing myself would increase the
chances of my children becoming suicides by fifty percent during their life times. I looked at the
pictures of my children that were on the wall of my hooch and on my computer and I knew I
couldn’t burden them like this.
I was able to recall the sweetness and love we had in our lives and I would hold the small letters
and mementos they had sent me as if they were present themselves.
They were busy with their own issues and my wife and I discussed that I would not include
them in the situation I found myself in. This was good for them but also served to keep me from
the love and care that would have come my way.

10. Still, it was our decision and we stuck with it. Months and months later, after I had passed the
shame, embarrassment and humiliation I had suffered, I found the time was approaching to tell
the girls what I had been dealing with.
But initially, keeping a positive outlook when I talked with them on the phone or emailed them
was all I could do.
I thought of my home, not just living there with my family, but the physical aspects of my
garden and my pasture. I imagined the irrigation ditches, the flowers and the snow in winter.
Home is a warm spot and with some imagination, relaxation and concentration, it was possible
for me to tap into the positive energy that existed for me back home. I found that this sort of
travel visit in my mind was a good way to drift off to sleep after my eyes grew heavy from
reading.
And of course, the animals and pets in my life were there for me to connect with. This included
my three dogs, Whoopsie the Border Collie, Maddie the Jack Russell Terrier and Daisy, my aging
German Shepherd. Also present was Muffin the house cat, a tank full of small fresh water fist
and my two horses, Max and Fashion. Many were the times I would remember riding Max with
Whoopsie and Daisy alongside through the spring pasture by the Truckee River across the
street from our home.
I knew I wanted to get home to see them again. I knew I wanted to get home to work the land
again, expand the pasture and redo the garden. In a time of fear and uncertainty about my
future, there was no uncertainty about the greeting the dogs would give me, the future growth
of pasture, or the nuggering my super horse Max would direct my way as he nibbled on my
hands.
Living to see how things change, grow and evolve is the connection with the future that bridges
the past through the troubled present into the hopeful future. Meanwhile, find the good in the
present. It is there!
by philiplisagor on Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:29 pm
7. Friends and Humor:
I was on a no contact order and not communicating with my friends except for minimal contact
when one or another would secretly drop by my hooch to see how I was doing.
There wasn’t much humor in the situation. True, I found the charges and the situation to be
absurd, but I wasn’t laughing. Laughter took eighteen months to come my way.
Only after I’d be notified of investigations by the Army, the VA, and the state medical license
board, was I able to say, “If you aren’t investigating me, you ain’t s**t!”

11. Then I laughed about it with some professional colleagues back in the US, way past the no
contact order. Once I found even this small bit of humor, I found other laughter elsewhere in
my life.
It was like the laugh switch had been turned back on. Even the gallows have their own sense of
humor and laughter eventually becomes the balm of Gilead that we all need for the wounds
were suffer and inflict upon ourselves.
It is important to remember not beat up on ourselves as there are always plenty of others
willing to do it for us.
The road to humor was paved by establishing my narrative of what had happened to me well
enough that I was able to share it succinctly with a few select friends and colleagues.
I learned from doing this that my friends’ acceptance of me was not affected by my revelations.
After three or four such disclosures, I began to feel better about myself and there was laughter
back in my life.
Although laughter is a valuable thing to have, it may not come easily. In this case, the return of
laughter is a valuable marker that things are going in the right direction. It wasn’t easy and it
took a long time, but it happened. I field stripped and cleaned my Beretta as part of my
personal upkeep.
by philiplisagor on Mon Oct 26, 2009 12:18 pm
8. Colleagues:
I have spent much of my life in contact with my colleagues, other doctors and surgeons. This
includes time spent together in the hospital, on committees and the operating room.
Once I received my suspension along with my no contact order for members of the unit, I was
isolated from my colleagues. Even after I returned home, I was subdued and beaten down by
the remaining thoughts of shame, embarrassment and humiliation that I continued to be
estranged from the goodwill of talking about real things with my colleagues.
I thank my wife and the psychologists I worked with as they helped me move beyond the
shame, embarrassment and humiliation to the point where I could talk about my situation with
some chosen colleagues. And make no mistake about it, every one of these colleagues was
supportive, reassuring and willing to help me in any manner possible.
I grew stronger and more confident in myself from these conversations and encounters and
even began to make new friends and colleagues in the process. The acceptance I felt from my
colleagues was like a ray of light that penetrated months of darkness.

12. Getting past the things that isolate you from your family, friends and colleagues is a strong way
to improve how you think about yourself and your future. If you need help to do this, make
sure you get it either through the military, the VA, Tricare, your local clergy or your psychologist
of choice. Do not remain isolated!!! My Beretta was secured in my hooch except for admission
to the DEFAC.
by philiplisagor on Fri Oct 30, 2009 2:07 pm
9. Religion, God and the Clergy:
“From where will my help come?” begins the 121st Psalm.
The author of many of the Psalms was King David. David was no stranger to adversity and he
expresses himself directly and clearly in Psalms such as Psalm 3, Psalm 35 and the Twenty Third
Psalm, “The Lord is my Shepherd….”
I have my favorite Psalms and they gave me comfort. But still, I would wonder why this was
happening to me?
I read the book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” in addition to reading the Book of
Job which is the ultimate story of bad things happening to an innocent individual.
I desperately wanted to speak to a clergyman, but none of my religion was available. When I
finally found one, it was the day I received my Article 15 non judicial punishment and it was also
the Jewish Holiday of Passover.
There was a Rabbi at Camp Victory on the West Side of Baghdad and I went early to meet with
him. He took one look at me, I was pretty robust and trim and in my Colonel’s uniform, and he
came up to me and threw his arms around me and told me how much I reminded him of his
father back in Chicago and shed some tears right then and there.
I was too devastated to share my burden with him given his elation at seeing me. Later at the
Passover Ceremony, he had a discussion group about God and why bad things happen and he
said, “God’s not there to see that only good things happen or that no bad things happen, but
God is there to give us individually strength to get up off the ground and to keep on going after
bad things happen to us.”
This was just the message I needed to hear that day and was the same message Rabbi Harold
Kushner comes up with in his book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” So this Rabbi,
gave me the message I needed and strengthened my belief in my daily prayers, which now
became a prayer for strength to endure, not prayers for deliverance or avoidance of the bad.
And I have continued to only ask for strength and to find strength in belief so I might endure
the hardships that have come my way.

13. Hermann Hesse, the Swiss author of the sixties cult book “Steppenwolf” discusses suicide in
great detail. His character Harry Haller describes suicides as those "people who see their
release from pain and suffering in death, as opposed to seeing it in life".
This is no different from what Moses told the Children of Israel shortly before they were to
cross over into the Promised Land when he tells them in Deuteronomy 30.15-20 that ”……I have
put before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose Life….”
Although most religions are against suicide, it is more helpful to find the positive that they are
for and it is in this choice of life instead of death, be it religion as in Deuteronomy or in the
nonreligious existential works of Herman Hesse, that I found the common theme: Choose life!
philiplisagor on Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:35 pm
10. Therapists, Medications, Cognitive Therapy and Not Catastrophizing:
My first interaction with a therapist was a command ordered psychiatric evaluation.
This was done by a psychiatrist and his clinical psychologist. It included an interview and a
series of psychological tests that included a questionnaire and interactive computer based test.
The psychiatrist found me sane and able to distinguish right from wrong and to pursue the
right.
The psychologist determined I had some cognitive learning issues that may or may not been
real as they were base on scores on young troops and I was in the geriatric age range of greater
than sixty years of age.
Their request that I have immediate further more detailed cognitive testing and a brain MR
scan were not followed up.
In addition to my own difficulties, one of my daughters had some issues a few weeks later and
the combination was too much for me to bear alone so I returned to the psychiatrist and asked
if he would be willing to work with me in dealing with the stress that I was experiencing. He
agreed and we formed a loose therapeutic relationship.
I could see a whole row of dominoes coming down upon me and he urged me not to
catastrophize. Even though this catastrophe of the domino cascade did come to pass, by not
giving in to the hopelessness of the situation at the onset, I was able to deal with this is a
stepwise manner. As bad as everything got, I found strength along the way.
“Don’t catastrophize” was valuable advice, even if for a different reason than it was initially
given. I would see him briefly each week and he felt I had an employment situation issue and he
helped me with this and my family situation by hearing me out.

14. I found this to be helpful and I also appreciated someone checking me out on a weekly basis. I
was sitting there in my hooch with my Beretta hanging on the wall and a couple of magazines of
ammunition and suicide did occur to me.
When I had trouble sleeping and my mind was racing, the psychiatrist prescribed some Ambien
and Seroquel for sleep. These did help, but I found that my situational depression became
complicated by the medications I was taking. I think I experienced some agitation and paranoia
from the situation and the medications, and eventually got myself off the Ambien and
continued with the Seroquels in low dose for sleep and whatever help they provided to slow
down my nocturnal racing mind.
Later when I was home, I found a psychologist at the local VA who did PTSD therapy. I was told
that I didn’t have PTSD as I hadn’t been involved directly in combat. I had always worried about
the doctors and nurses I had worked with in 2004-2005 as being set up for PTSD from taking
care of the horrific wounds they saw. But if that was the definition, so it goes, the thirty or so
flashbacks a day notwithstanding.
And flashbacks aren’t memories, you are flashed back!
Still, she took me as a patient with an employment adjustment situation. We met biweekly and
she taught me about the triangle of cognitive therapy to include “thoughts, feelings, and
actions.”
I learned that I could control my thoughts and actions and then affect my feelings. I found this
to be extremely useful and talking to her was the first step in being able to talk about my
situation.
Eventually, when the local VA took an action against me based upon the same case, we decided
to end the relationship over the issue of confidentiality as the VA has an electronic record
which is available to many. I was sorry to end this relationship as it had been tremendously
helpful and comforting to me.
I then entered into another relationship with a private psychologist and I hoped that Tricare
would cover most of this cost. They covered $90 our of a bill of $175. This time I made sure to
include my wife in the process, as the stress on our relationship could not be denied.
My new therapist, another psychologist, was also very helpful and comforting. I believe this
helped Susan and I to strengthen our relationship in the midst of severe stress and adversity. I
began to be able to discuss my situation openly and not defensively.
Shame, embarrassment and humiliation which are three big feelings that make dealing with a
bad situation next to impossible, began to dissolve and this opened the door for me to have
real conversations with friends and colleagues once again.

15. I began to sleep the entire night and the dread of waking up like a shot at 0200 and being
unable to go back to sleep began to evaporate. My sexual desire began to return to me and I
found a sense of self value independent of position.
During this time I was being investigated by the local VA with an aim to fire me, and by the
State Medical Board as a standard response to any doctor who receives non judicial
punishment under the Uniformed Code of Military Justice, to include an Article 15.
by philiplisagor on Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:30 pm
11. Attorneys:
I eventually ended up with four attorneys and a couple of other consultant attorneys.
Attorneys work on a different schedule than surgeons. Surgeons are given a patient with a
problem and we formulate and evaluation plan and act on it as soon as possible. This can be
anywhere from a couple of minutes to a week or two.
Attorneys work to deadlines they are given by the court. With extensions and delays, this can
seem like it is a forever proposition.
I discovered from my psychologist that with many doctors she helped a main part of her
therapy included working with the doctors’ frustrations with their attorneys in malpractice
cases.
I was fortunate in that my two JAG attorneys and my two private attorneys were capable and
dedicated to my situation. If you don’t believe in your attorney, you will need to get another
attorney.
Again, easy to say and hard to do. JAG attorneys tend to be young and at some level all work for
the corporation, the US Military. Maybe that is why both of my JAG attorneys first off
recommended that I hire a private attorney who specialized in military defense.
I took this advice and ended up with a top military defense litigator. Still, attorneys work on
their own schedule and the good ones are very busy. Have a realistic discussion with your
attorney as to what you can expect along the way.
Your attorney will tell you not to discuss the case with anyone as it is under litigation.
Although this is good advice, it can serve to isolate you socially in a time when social contact is
extremely valuable and important. I had been in a no contact situation. I was able to talk to my
psychiatrist and my attorney.

16. There was no one else so I made it a point to talk to each of them often. Thankfully, they found
time for me. The attorney should talk to witnesses; you don’t want an added charge of witness
tampering added on. Remember, your attorney doesn’t have a crystal ball and is very busy.
Your case is important to the attorney but you are the most important person in this case. Keep
your eye on the ball.
by philiplisagor on Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:06 pm
12. Mindfulness:
The mind has a mind of its own.
It can spend much of its time spinning its wheels, covering old thoughts and memories over and
over and over again.
At first when I was home, I would have flashbacks about scenes and places in Iraq. I would be
driving down the street and suddenly I would be thinking about a street at Camp Speicher near
Tikrit or the walk past the movie theater at Camp Anaconda in Balad.
Usually these would accompany bad feelings from those times and places I had experienced in
those situations. These would be fleeting thoughts but they would overtake me many times
throughout the day. It felt like my head was spun around.
And at night, once sleep came, I would wake up at the same time each early morning, about
2:10 am and would have thoughts about my situation come hard upon me. These would be
thoughts about individuals and events and were often accompanies by negative feelings to the
individuals involved. With time the negative feeling softened, but the thoughts were still there.
My mind would race as I revisited people, places and events over and over again. I would lie in
bed ruminating for an hour or two and would then fall back asleep. On the worst nights, I didn’t
get back to sleep. Either way, when the morning came, I was too tired to bounce out of bed
with the sunrise which had been my routine.
Alcohol would help me get to sleep, but then when the blood alcohol level wore off I’d rocket
out of sleep into my private world of ruminations and reliving the recent painful past.
Although I’d heard about stilling the mind in yoga classes years before, I’d never thought too
much about it. My first week back from the Army, my wife took me to a weekend meditation
retreat in Mendocino County. This was a quiet time including quiet meals.
There was group meditation time during the day coupled with some lectures on mindfulness. I
found I was able to quiet my mind doing some yoga and working with breathing techniques.

17. I discovered for myself that even if I was able to quiet my chattering and ruminating mind only
for a few moments, I could find that quiet spot off and on during the day.
I practiced and became better at entering this quiet period. Later on I was reading a book called
“Forgive for Good” and I recognized many of his techniques as variations on ways to quiet the
mind. Even a minute of quiet mind would have benefits for me the rest of the day.
I was free of drugs and even if I didn’t have a satisfied mind, I was in contact with my quiet
mind and it gave me peace and relief.
I went to hear a Buddhist monk, Rinchopon who gave a talk near my home. He told us we
needed to find more compassion and kindness in life and toward others. I realized I had to
practice compassion and kindness toward myself first! It was the old story, “don’t beat up on
yourself, there are always plenty of others willing to do it for you.”
I went to hear Eva Kor, a Mengele Twin victim from Auschwitz. She explained that eventually,
she had to forgive her tormentors and she did this for herself, not for them, as it was in the end
the only thing she was empowered to do.
by philiplisagor on Mon Nov 16, 2009 11:56 am
13. Time Marches Right Along:
The poet Percy Shelley who many of us were made to read in high school English class,
concluded his poem Ode to the West Wind, which deals with levels of despair, with the line, “If
winter comes, can spring be far behind?” This one line provides a link between now and the
future.
It is the lack of seeing and believing in the future that is the most despairing and depressing of
all states to be in. It is important to understand Shelley’s message which is to hang in there,
time rolls on, the season will change, and time does heal all. Time is the balm of Gilead; it eases
our pain and shows that there are many paths available out there.
The poet William Butler Yeats writes about the fear and uncertainty of the world in his poem
“The Second Coming.” The poets, the Psalmist David, you and I are not alone and our despair
and situations are not as unique as we believe. With some help from a wife, friend, therapist,
clergyman, even just one person, we can move forward, find the balm of time and heal the
hurt, the pain and the wounds we have received.
My Beretta has been turned in. It was a friend, then a foe. Finally, it was just a side arm, a tool I
no longer need. Just keep living for the answers are in life, not in death. Choose Life!

18. Conclusion:
All of us will face severe personal adversity during our lives. Suicide needn’t be the answer. I’ve
tried to share some techniques and methods that have helped me move on beyond suicide in
my own life.
You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned the role of command in the above selections.
This hasn’t been an oversight. Suicide prevention in the military is a command function and
responsibility. The Army is to be commended on removing this task from the Army Medical
Department and placing it at the level of the Chief of Staff of the Army. This top down
leadership is commendable because the solution to suicide in the military is a bottom up drill.
Although medical resources have their role to play, suicide will only be addressed when local
commanders are interested in the well being of their troops.
Commanders need to understand the mission and then they need to care for their troops who
will fulfil the mission. This concern for troops must include all troops; the good, the bad and the
ugly. When suicide is viewed as a negative occurrence for the local commander, and when local
commanders are trained in some degree of kindness and compassion for their troops, suicide
should become less common.
Troops engaged in controversial wars; wars with waning public support and wars with
questions of the justness- of the reasons for the war, the conduct of the war and the settlement
of the war- will be more susceptible to psychological issues and the current problems of PTSD,
suicide and adjustment disorders can be expected to increase.
I hope this guide is of help to soldiers and veterans. Now I have to go and feed my horses. Best
wishes!
Copyright 2009
by philiplisagor on Mon Nov 16, 2009 5:19 pm
References:
Ode to the West Wind, by Percy Blythe Shelley
The Second Coming, by William Butler Yeats
Deuteronomy 30.15-20
Psalms 3 and 4
Psalm 23
Psalm 35
Psalm 121
Steppenwolf, by Herman Hesse, The Modern Library, NY, p.53

19. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner, Anchor Books
Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin, Harper Collins Publishers
by emilystehr on Tue Nov 17, 2009 8:11 am
Excellent advice!! I hope it helps others too. Have fun feeding your horses, Sir. Thanks so much
from us all.
emilystehr
by SoldiersHeartRanch on Fri Feb 05, 2010 12:28 am
Sir, what an incredible story, I wish I could say I feel it represents an isolated failure of
command. However, in each situation where a Soldier has come to me with suicidal thoughts,
there have been 8 who have done so, "bad command" has been central to the issue. Everything
about the Soldier experience teaches following command, and by the very nature of the job,
while it attracks the most nobel of us, it also attracks a few power mongers among us, those
who will stop at nothing to further their own agendas and careers. Those who just don't care
are also numbered among the "bad commanders." They can make it seem to a Soldier that the
organization that they have given so much to, sacrified so much to serve, is betraying them. It is
however individuals mis-using the 15-6 process, and operating as a cancer with in the Army that
is betraying them. To those Soldiers fighting the "enemy within," I have said, "fight this, you are
not fighting against the Army, you are fighting for the Army, for its' values and philosophies, for
its' reputation, for its' honor, and for all other true Soldiers serving." I am truly sorry for all that
has happened to you, moral courage separates the men from the boys. I love the scriptures you
quoted. Thank you for your service Sir, and please thank your family for me as well.