Avoiding the abyss

Avoiding the Abyss – The Testimony of a Functional Alcoholic

My name is Bob and I was a functional alcoholic. You might say
highly functional since I was able to succeed at my job in spite
of myself. I was already functioning within an alcoholic reality
and had been for several years.
My first DUI occurred while married to my second wife (yes, the
alcoholism “helped” me in my marriage relationships too!). We
were separated and going through a divorce at the time. The
divorce itself did not cause me to get a DUI, though. There
were many, many times in my past when I had close
encounters with the tragedy that accompanies alcoholism.
There were fights, jail time for public drunkenness, drunk at
work, though never fired, occasional blackouts, one car crash,
and the list goes on. I was caught driving drunk twice, but there
were several times when I could have killed another person or
persons or myself while driving. I was walking on the edge and
each time I would back away, take a break from drinking and
tell myself the same lie. “You’re ok, just a one-time thing. Stay
off the sauce for a few days.” Believing this lie was my biggest
mistake. I racked up quite a list of “one-time” events over
twenty-five years. By the grace of God and the help and care of
others, tragedy did not befall me. It was, however, always
close at hand. It is important to note that, as I reflect back now,
my attitude toward the DUI and the classes that followed (as
well as the jail time) was one of victim. This does not make
sense to me now but at the time that is how I thought – my
Avoiding the Abyss Page 1


reality. The victim mentality was reinforced by the
relationships, brief though they were, that developed with the
folks who attended the mandatory post-DUI classes. After we
shared how the system had sucked us in, we went on to brag
about how we didn’t have a problem with alcohol and how we
had just been “unlucky” this time. Every now and then we
would explore the causes, do a little objective analysis of our
past and try to make a plan how we might change our distorted
reality but most of the time we just bragged. We just “did our
time” replacing reality with a program that could rarely be
sustained outside of the meeting walls and too often repeated
our mistakes. Repentance, the willingness to turn around and
change direction, was not emphasized nearly as much as it
should have been. Begging for forgiveness for having fallen off
the wagon was praised, but repentance was rarely explored.
The full activity of repentance, that is observing one’s
condition, reflecting on the causes and realities being lived out
that cause the condition, then the willingness and agreement to
turn around and go a different direction are critical to moving
into the recovery phase. Without repentance, we are doomed
to repeat the same reality.
My second DUI occurred at an entirely different phase of my
life. I was traveling to customer sites, giving presentations and
at the top of my professional game. I had alcohol under
control! This was the first myth I was living. During a week-


long business trip I controlled my drinking (only a couple of
beers a night) and went into the final day with great confidence
and a feeling of accomplishment. The customer was happy, I
had a dedicated wife waiting for me and my golf swing was
really improving! On top of the world…in control…let’s party! I
had a few shots with beer chasers and a very fine steak,
medium rare. Not a problem. I am in control. This was the
reoccurring mistake I had been making for many years: I AM IN
CONTROL. I had proved this to myself time and time again.
What was my proof? No tragedy had befallen me! I was living
on the edge of an abyss, looking over into the darkness and
laughing at how close I was without falling in. Sometimes I
rushed to the edge and stopped suddenly, scared yet excited.
Most of the time I wandered over and looked down, shouting
“You won’t have me!” and listening to the eerie, hollow echo of
my own voice calling back to me. The reality is we are more
likely than not to fall over that edge. Sometimes there is a
moment of grace that keeps us from falling. Sometimes grace
lets us fall a short distance onto a ledge just below the edge.
Inevitability, if we keep flirting with the abyss it will have us.
We will go over that edge and keep falling. The bottom is hard
and cold and for many it becomes their final resting place.
It was the last night before going home, the customer trip was a
success, and I got really drunk. I left the restaurant and found a
pool hall. I drove just a mile or so away from the motel. I was


in control – I could handle it. I parked and went in and started
playing pool. It became apparent to me that I needed to slow
down the drinking for a while so I could focus on the balls. My
plan was to just buy one beer and nurse it until the edge of the
cue ball stopped dancing back and forth. This is another of
those myths we alcoholics like to believe. A beer or two is not
bad. Just control the intake for a while and you will be fine.
This was reinforced by the many times I had stopped drinking
all together. I could go an entire month or so without having a
drink. Surely that proves I am in control. Sometimes I could
have a refrigerator full of beer or several bottles of scotch
sitting around and never take a drink. Surely this proves I am in
control. At some point that night “I am in control” morphed
into “I don’t give a shit any more”. When that happened the
shots started flying again. Eventually I was drunk and way out
of control. The cops found me sleeping it off in the rental car,
in the pool hall parking lot, keys in the ignition. At some point I
must have tried to drive back to the motel. However, I never
made it out of the parking lot. How lucky was that! I was taken
to jail and charged with a DUI. What happened next was a
sequence of grace moments that changed my life forever.
The next morning I called the customer I had been working with
for the past week. To this day I do not remember his name. I
told him what had happened and that I needed $500 to make
bail. I told him I would pay him back as soon as I got home.


Now, why should this man help me? He had only known me for
a few days. Why would he even care? In spite of the odds he
said he would come down and bail me out. After he picked me
up he drove me back to the motel, gave me his address, and
said goodbye. I never saw him again. I don’t think he ever
expected to see his money again, but he gave it to me anyway.
After he dropped me off I started to review the events of the
past few hours and what affects they were going to have on my
life. I recalled the judge’s statements to me seven years before
when I got the first DUI. “Sir, you have a problem and you are
likely to repeat it if you do not take your situation seriously.
The statistics show that in cases like yours a reoccurrence will
happen in about seven years.” Here it was, about seven years
later, and I was charged with another DUI. I had not really
listened to what the judge was saying seven years earlier. I had
not taken my situation seriously in spite of an automobile
accident that could have killed me, or worse, someone else.
Back then I had run up to the edge of that abyss, yelled down
into the darkness, “Not this time!” What I did not realize is that
seven years earlier I had actually gone over the edge. For seven
years I had been wandering on a ledge and now I had slipped
off. This time, though, it felt like a freefall into the darkness I
had once mocked. This time the bottom was coming up fast.
My job would be gone. My wife would leave me. I would
spend the next year behind bars (this the judge had promised).


Life as I knew it was unraveling rapidly and there was nothing I
could do about it. The bottom of that abyss was coming up fast
and the darkness enveloped me like a black, suffocating
blanket. I began to feel trapped and filthy as the floor of the pit
grew closer.
I took a shower, cleaned myself up, and started sobering up. I
began to feel better until the darkness started to close in again.
The realization that a totally different reality was about to
consume me began to sink in, a reality that I had no control
over yet I had brought into existence. A cold chill began to
creep down my spine and I felt too weak to stand. I fell to my
knees as a flood of emotion poured over me. I cried, “Oh, Lord,
what have I done?” Then I began to pray, “Forgive me, Jesus,
forgive me!” That’s all that would come out of my mouth for
several minutes. After all the years of attempting to justify my
drinking, after telling myself all the lies and after living all the
myths, all I could say in my defense was “Forgive me.” Soon
the sobbing began to subside and I heard a voice clearly say
“Follow Me”. Not two or three times, just once: “Follow Me”.
An unexplainable calm surrounded me, a sense that no matter
what happens from this point on, if I obeyed and followed Him,
I would make it. I was given no guarantee that the things I
feared would go away or not happen, just a sense of peace that
as I went through them He would be with me if I followed Him.
I had stopped falling down through the abyss. It was as if God’s


angels had swooped down and grabbed me by the shoulders,
baring me out of the darkness and into the light. I wasn’t sure
what would happen next, but I was sure that whatever it was,
He would be with me and right then that was all that mattered.
The days, months, and years that followed were not easy. I had
to pay for the mistakes I had made. I had to go to those I had
hurt and ask for forgiveness. I did not lose my job or my wife,
but I did lose many friends who would no longer associate with
me. If you have read down this far you may even be ready to
disassociate yourself from what I am saying writing it off as
some kind of religious garbage. If you feel that way my
experience may not help you. If you really felt that way,
though, you would have stopped reading before now. Consider
your own life right now. Have you been living your own myths
and lies? Are you in the same place you have been in for so
many years and are you tired of that place? Have you tried all
the programs that try to get you headed down a different path?
How are they working for you? Jesus Christ, the Son of God,
born of the Virgin Mary, crucified, dead and buried descended
into the hell we create for ourselves and frees all those whom
He calls. He ascended into Heaven and is now seated at the
right hand of God, the Father. His program is the only one that
really works and He promises to go through it with you. All you
have to do is say “Forgive me, Jesus, forgive me”. I pray that
you do. I promise you will hear his voice say “Follow Me”.


I have been sober for nineteen years now, not by chance, by
choice. I chose to accept the forgiveness offered to me and to
work toward changing a distorted reality. I stood back,
observed and reflected on what had been happening to me, my
life, and those around me, and where I would eventually end up
if I continued on the same path. I repented, for the first time in
my life, which required me not only to ask for forgiveness but
to also agree to stop, turn around, and take a different path,
one that did not include alcohol. I allowed people to hold me
responsible and accountable for this new life plan and then I
began to live into it. When I got weak, folks reminded me of
the commitment I made and I remembered God’s voice from
the motel room floor, “Follow me”.
What is a functional alcoholic? The website,
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/problem/a/functional.htm,
gives an excellent definition and describes the signs. It was
written by Buddy T. and posted on About.com on updated on
October 31, 2012. I would encourage you to visit the site.
Here’s an excerpt from the site:
Denial Runs Deep With This Type of Drinker
Many people think of alcoholics as disheveled, homeless winos
who have lost everything, but there are people who meet the
criteria for a medical diagnosis for alcohol dependence who are



highly functional in society and still have their jobs, homes and
families. This type of drinker is known as a functional alcoholic.
They rarely miss work and other obligations because of their
drinking, although it does happen occasionally, and they usually
excel at their jobs and careers. Typically, they are clever and
witty individuals who are successful in many areas of their lives.
To all but those who are closest to them, they give the outward
appearance of being perfectly normal.
Denial Is a Problem
One of the main reasons that alcoholics seek help for their
drinking problems is the eventual negative consequences of
their alcohol consumption. When the pain or embarrassment
gets bad enough, they can no longer deny that their drinking
needs to be addressed.
For the functional alcoholic, the denial runs deep, because they
have yet to encounter outward negative consequences. They
go to work every day. They haven't suffered financially. They
have never been arrested. They don't have a problem!
But There Is a Problem
The functional alcoholic consumes as much alcohol as any "full-
blown" alcoholic, they just don't exhibit the outward symptoms
of intoxication. This is because they have developed a tolerance
for alcohol to the point that it takes more for them to feel the



effects (including hangovers). Consequently, they must drink
increasingly larger amounts to get the same "buzz" they want.
This slow build-up of alcohol tolerance means the functional
alcoholic is drinking at dangerous levels that can result in
alcohol-related organ damage, cognitive impairment and
alcohol dependence. Chronic heavy drinkers can display a
functional tolerance to the point they show few obvious signs
of intoxication even at high blood alcohol concentrations,
which in others would be incapacitating.
God Bless You,
Bob, A Recovered Alcoholic


Avoiding the abyss

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