Adoption Fusion: NAIS-PoCC 2011
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In the 2000 U.S. Census, adopted children represented 2.5 percent of the 84 million children. Since that report, American lives touched by adoption are on the rise. When adoption crosses racial and cultural lines, it adds an extra dimension for both parenting and educating the child. Are adoptive parents prepared to raise children whose skin color is different than their own? Are educators ready to support different kinds of families in a race-conscious society? In an artful blend of the presenter's narrative and group facilitation, we'll draw on our own experiences to discuss transracial adoption, racial identity formation, and other formative adoptive experiences. ~Workshop at the National Association of Independent Schools People of Color Conference, Philadelphia 2011
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Adoption Fusion: NAIS-PoCC 2011
- 1. Adoption Fusion: discovering where race, culture and adoption blend together Jenny Hammond Deerfield Academy Deerfield, MA
- 6. 2010: RELATIONSHIP TO HOUSEHOLDER FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18 YEARS IN HOUSEHOLDS Universe: Population under 18 years in households (excluding householders, spouses, and unmarried partners); 2010 American Community Survey 1-Year Estimates Source: U.S. Census Bureau, 2010 American Community Survey
Editor's Notes
- My name is Jenny Hammond. I am the Associate Director of Alumni Relations at Deerfield Academy. I am a multiracial Japanese-American and was adopted in 1969. Let me state from the outset, I am pro-adoption. Knowing what I know about the U.S. in the late 60’s (when I was born) - in the days before legalized abortion and the stigma attached to out-of-wedlock pregnancies, I have a deep appreciation for my birth mother and her decision to continue with her pregnancy and place me for adoption. I acknowledge that her decision did not come without emotional costs for her and others around her. For the birth mothers, there are a myriad of reasons why they choose adoption for their child. I respect that. But I am also pro-education. The US Census Bureau includes the “adopted son/daughter” as a category in the relationship to the householder. The Census 2000 captured only 1 out of every 6 households’ information. Even with this under representation, the census recorded 2.1 million adopted children and 4.4 million stepchildren ; together they make up 8 percent of the 84 million children in the US. Today, I will speak from my experiences. However, I do recognize that every adoptee has their own unique story - their own identity. My hope is that through sharing my story, you will be able to make connections and your awareness about the adoptee experience will lead you to be a better mentor, educator or advocate.
- Adoption is so complex: closed/open, domestic/international, public/foster/private, adoption within families/adoption outside of biological relatives, same race/transracial adoption, child trafficking, traumatic experiences…the list goes on and on. If you expect all the answers or “how to’s” - how to be a great parent, educator or friend to the “adoptee” in your life to come from me alone, then this is not the place for you. I come to share my life experiences and personal research with you – but I also seek to create an environment where we can engage one another, a space for dialogue, …
- After you find your partner (third person), sit down with them and take a few minutes to answer the four questions: What’s up? Why this session? What has been your experience with conversations around this topic? What are your hopes for this session?
- This American Community Survey estimates that 2.14% of children are brought into their family by adoption. To my surprise, this has not increased over the 2000 Census report (issued in 2003). I would like to wait for the 2010 report (probably 2013) – but my guess is that families did not take the time, nor did they have the interest to report this statistic about their family.
- Born Dec. 11, 1968 in Philadelphia, PA Born to a Japanese-American mother and English-German-Irish-American father Closed adoption at 2 months of age to Fred and Ruth Bornholdt and 5 yr. old brother, Jeff Grew up in Mount Airy - Philadelphia, PA Attended Friends Schools from 1st - 12th grades For those who may not know, Mount Airy is in the northwest section of Philadelphia. It has sustained racial diversity over a long period of time. I remember the Rev. Jesse Jackson making a presidential campaign stop at my local church, because of the “rainbow coalition” and the diverse neighborhood. It continues to be a progressive community. Living within the Philadelphia city limits, my parents chose to send me to Friends Schools (Quaker-based education), instead of to Philadelphia public schools. The Religious Society of Friends (also known as Quakers) has the roots of its doctrine in the belief that there is “that of God” in everyone. Some pillar “testimonies” (or doctrinal pillars) are Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality and Stewardship. Friends’ Schools are known for their progressive approach to education.
- These two pictures show that there was no hiding my adoption - I physically appeared different from my family.
- William Cross’s Five Stages of Racial Identity Development as cited in Tatum’s book”Why Are all The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” 4 Pre-encounter: “the personal and social significance of one’s racial group membership had not yet been realized, and racial identity is not yet under examination.” For as long as I can remember, I grew up knowing two things - I am special because I am adopted and because I am Japanese-American. Yet my mother valued her roots - the Norwegian culture and so I grew up with the Norwegian sayings, food and motifs. That is why I wear “soljie” jewelry. This picture was taken on October 9, 1978. October 9 th is a Norwegian-American holiday – Leif Erikson Day (the first European to ‘discover’ America). My mom pinned these flags on my proudly that day! I grew up with Norwegian food and motifs in our home. And my parents did seek out opportunities for me to connect with the “Japanese” self. I had a Japanese friend in preschool - who moved back to Japan. We had neighbors of Japanese descent. I dressed up in kimono for Halloween and had haircuts with straight bangs. When I was nine, I was shopping with my mom in a gift shop, and noticed a bowl which had a “Made in Japan” sticker on the bottom. I exclaimed with glee to my mother, “Yay! That’s my homeland!” My knowledge of Japan was intellectual.
- With your buddy, take a moment to reflect on the Pre-encounter stage. Each partner will have 2.5 minutes to speak while the other partner listens (total 5 min). I will keep time – so you can give your full attention to your buddy.
- William Cross’s Five Stages of Racial Identity Development as cited in Tatum’s book”Why Are all The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” 4 Encounter: “examining one’s own racial identity…” p. 55, Tatum: ” Transition to the encounter stage is typically precipitated by an event or series of events that force the young person to acknowledge the personal impact of racism. As a result…, the individual begins to grapple with what it means to be a member of a group targeted by racism.” The way that my experience was different was that I did not yet experience/realize the hatred that could be associated with being Japanese. ~~~ I arrived at Abington Friends School in sixth grade. My father taught Upper School Science and Math for about 15 years there. ~~~ Even in my graduating class of 42, there were still people who claimed that they did not know that I was Japanese American. Because it’s a small school, my friends always saw me as “Mr. Bornholdt’s daughter” first. Part of this is due to the “color-blind” mentality environment of the time (and the school). Part of this is due to the fact that I reaped the “white privileges” of being adopted into my family. Part of this is due to the prevalence of the Asian perception of “model minority.” I was never silent about my adoption - in fact, I thought I was pretty vocal about it. But in retrospect, I guess the issues around race were never addressed in class or otherwise. Speaking with people I went to school with, my white friends said they never thought of my racial identity. Once people got to know me, they never thought about my race again. There were two key events that helped me to examine my own ethnic identity. 1) Growing up, I saw images of beauty in Seventeen magazine: shaped eyebrows - wide in the center, narrow towards the end. I always wondered…why are my eyebrows so different? I also had an image of myself that was quite different from the one I saw in the mirror every day. In fact I remember looking into the mirror as a teenager and surprising myself! My self image was of a round-faced, bowl-cut Asian woman. But when I looked into the mirror I saw light eyes, a high-bridged nose and an oval face. 2) When applying for college, I asked my dad which box to check - I felt Norwegian, but intellectually knew I was part-Japanese. I marked Asian American. There were only five or six boxes to choose from – unlike today which can fully represent the range of multiracial backgrounds of Americans.
- With your buddy, take a moment to reflect on the Encounter stage. Each partner will have 2.5 minutes to speak while the other partner listens (total 5 min). I will keep time – so you can give your full attention to your buddy.
- William Cross’s Five Stages of Racial Identity Development as cited in Tatum’s book”Why Are all The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” 4 Encounter: p. 55-56, Tatum: “Transition to the encounter stage is typically precipitated by an event or series of events that force the young person to acknowledge the personal impact of racism. As a result…, the individual begins to grapple with what it means to be a member of a group targeted by racism.” Because I checked the Asian American box, I was invited to a pre-orientation program for students of color. My pivotal event was learning about the WWII Japanese Internment Camps. I remember thinking: “If I were born in that time, I would have been imprisoned. It didn’t matter that my name was not Japanese or that I grew up in my family in Mount Airy. Just being of Japanese-descent was enough for imprisonment.” It was the first time that I made an emotional connection with Japanese-Americans. Immersion: p. 76, Tatum: “characterized by a strong desire to surround oneself with symbols of one’s racial identity and actively seek out opportunities to learn about one’s own history and culture with the support of same-race peers.” From then on I began to immerse myself: Japanese language, East Asian Studies, Asian Students Association. Discovering my “Asian-ness” - since I was away from home, I was able to learn about a part of myself that I never knew.
- William Cross’s Five Stages of Racial Identity Development as cited in Tatum’s book”Why Are all The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” 4 Immersion: p. 76, Tatum: “characterized by a strong desire to surround oneself with symbols of one’s racial identity and actively seek out opportunities to learn about one’s own history and culture with the support of same-race peers.” In 1992, I was able to fulfill my dream of going to Japan. I was hired to teach English in a girls’ junior and senior high school in Kyoto. I was so excited to return to my roots, my people! However, when I got off the plane I was wearing a red dress and was too embarrassed to speak Japanese to the head of the English Dept. (a Japanese man). No one saw me as Japanese - only as a ‘gaijin’ - a foreigner. When I was in the town hall, waiting for my ‘alien registration card’, I looked at all the Japanese people around me and I realized where I got my eyebrows from! It sounds obvious, but since I did not have any Japanese mentors around me in my teen years, I never got the answer to my question. I had to be comfortable with who I am - an adopted Japanese-American. I loved Japan so much that I stayed for twelve years. That’s where I met my husband (American) and both my kids were born in Japan. I continued to search for my birth parents - even from Japan. It was at this time I discovered Betty Jean Lifton’s books: Twice Born and Lost and Found.
- With your buddy, take a moment to reflect on the Immersion stage. Each partner will have 2.5 minutes to speak while the other partner listens (total 5 min). I will keep time – so you can give your full attention to your buddy.
- January 1999: My grandfather became ill and my mother told me that he would not have much longer to live. After his passing, I returned home for the funeral. I returned to Japan immediately following the services. Only three days after my return to Japan, I received a phone call that my father passed suddenly on Feb. 2, 1999. While these tragedies were difficult to deal with, the distance of being thousands of miles from my family made my grieving process more difficult. “Am I the only one who feels this way?”, “Why am I having such a difficult time coping with my father’s death?” ~~~ I was able to get a copy of the book: The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Her theory is that the nine months in the womb cannot be discounted in the mother/child bonding process. So even if a child is adopted from Day One, the child will still understand the pain of adoption: loss, abandonment, separation. “ No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment. The adoptee's loss must be acknowledged, validated, and worked through, so that she can gain a new attitude toward it and begin to gain a sense of Self (who she is), self-esteem (how she feels about herself), and self-worth (how she believes she is valued by others). Only when we set aside our denial ... when triad members acknowledge their pain, and when clinicians recognize the differences between biological and adoptive families ... can we proceed down the path to healing with understanding, insight, honesty, and courage.” 2 2. Verrier, Nancy (2005), Position Statement . Retrieved Feb 15, 2009, from http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php ~~~ It was the first time that I looked at the full scope of being an adoptee – since my mantra growing up was “I’m special” (positive), I never considered that there could be pain from abandonment/loss/separation (negative). The act of separating a child from its biological parents (especially the mother) when the identity is still very much connected to the mother forces the infant to become self-reliant as a means of survival and protection. The baby emotionally picks itself up by its own bootstraps and takes back control. ~~~ I was able to see myself clearly – which is truly powerful. Know thyself (Knowledge is power). I finally understood the reasons why, as a elementary age kid and teenager, I often acted out when I felt that I “did not belong” to this family or anywhere else. Verrier’s position is that separation trauma manifests itself it two distinct behavioral patterns. Aggressive/provocative/anti-social Pattern: I threatened to run away more than once (my best friend and I often plotted together to do this - it usually ended with me going over to her house and staying there) and did “run away” to my brother’s apartment when I was in high school, after I had a disagreement with my parents. He lived in Chestnut Hill at the time. Hurtful phrases like, “I’m not yours anyway”, “You’re not my REAL parents” would be my fight or flight reaction to times when I felt hurt or criticized. Acquiescent/Compliant Pattern: not being able to say “no” to tasks given to me. While these personality patterns are not uncommon, the difference is that the root explanation for an adoptee can be explained by tracing it back to the initial separation and it is quite common among many adoptees. Desire for Love and Acceptance: related to the acquiescent traits Fears of rejection and abandonment: Share of the experience: extreme anxiety when Craig said “I’ll be right back” and then never returned. My father’s death triggered deep latent feelings - my primal wound. His death was something out of my control and a separation from me that was extremely painful…and only through a grieving process was I able to understand myself better.
- Who looks like me? It’s interesting to think about how much importance we place on looking alike. I’m sure that even entering this conference - with all its wonderful variety - you walk in and immediately are seeking people that “look like you.” Something about the human psyche wants to simplify and find comfort in socializing/gathering with those who are “like me.” As an adoptee – particularly as transracial adoptee – I am constantly looking for someone who looked like me. I found that whether I was in Japan or the United States, each culture places importance on becoming the same as everyone else. In Japan, there is a saying, “When one nail sticks up, you must hammer it back down.” Why? Because of the importance to be like everyone else. For me, I get one of two reactions. I often get comments from strangers - “You look just like your mother!” “This is your sister? I see the resemblance” OR I get the tennis-match-head-turning looks (in Abington Nails Salon when my sister walked in). As an adoptee, I never had anyone who looks like me around - not in my teachers, not in my groups of friends until college. Do I fit in anywhere?: There is a profound feeling of “being different.” Betty Jean Lifton describes this as “alienation” or feeling disconnected. Sometimes this is more prevalent is certain surroundings. Constantly wondering, “Is this just me, feeling this way?” The only place where it seemed ‘normal’ to look like me and speak Japanese was in Okinawa, Japan. Because the U.S. Armed Forces have been there since WWII, there are lots of multiracial Japanese people. Birthdays celebrate what?: Craig noticed early on in our relationship how irritable I would become around my birthday. For an adoptee, who wants to celebrate a day of separation? Something to be aware of. Criticism=rejection: To this day, I have to constantly fight the feeling of rejection when someone gives me their constructive criticism. The closer the relationship, the deeper the feeling of rejection. Even the smallest correction can be met with resistance (ask my husband) - and I work hard not to have this knee-jerk reaction. While these personality patterns are not uncommon, the root explanation for an adoptee can be explained by tracing it back to the initial separation. Fear of abandonment: My husband, Craig and I were at a evening church meeting. My younger son, Thomas (then a baby) was fussy so Craig offers to take him outside of the main hall and says, “I’ll be right back.” After a few moments, no Craig. 30 minutes pass, no Craig. Feelings of panic start to rise and I can no longer focus on what’s happening in front of me, I must get up and find out where Craig is with the baby! When I finally found him, he was casually sitting near the child care, chatting with a friend. I was furious! The whole way home, I was spewing and spitting at him…but in the end, I stopped and was able to say, “Craig, I understand why I was so angry. You told me you would come back, and when you didn’t, I felt abandoned.” This was a serious ‘a-ha’ moment…to be able to truly understand the root of my angry outburst! Death is difficult because, for me, it is the ultimate separation. It is reliving my first and primal separation from my birth mother. Medical History: Every time I fill out a form, this question comes up. It’s especially apparent when I decided to have children. Everyone uses my “mom” as a reference for how my pregnancy and birth would be. “ Where are you from?” is a loaded question for an adoptee – especially as I get older…
- With your buddy, take a moment to reflect on the Immersion stage. Each partner will have 3 minutes to speak while the other partner just listens- NO TALKING. I will keep time – so you can give your full attention to your buddy.