This local band was on the verge of success, poised to open for a famous band, but internal friction caused by unmanaged emotions led to their breakup. The band's coach, Scot Conway, admits he failed to adequately prepare them for the discomfort of potential success after initial hardship. When problems arose from rushed music projects and impatience, hurt feelings escalated out of control due to poor communication. Conway believes that if the band had been more engaged with his emotional intelligence programs earlier, they could have navigated the challenges and stayed together. Some band members are starting a new project and working closely with Conway to build skills for handling future opportunities.
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GAME OVER: YOU LOSE – The Band Breaks Up
1. GAME OVER: YOU LOSE – The Band Breaks
Up
A Story of a Real World Emotional IQ Test Failed
This one is a story of a coaching client that failed
I know coaches aren’t supposed to talk about their
failures,
but here I am, and here it goes.
2. There was a local band with hot prospects that
asked for me to come alongside as a coach and mentor
for the band.
I had met with them a couple of times when they were
just starting out to encourage them in their original music
endeavor. As they reached a small measure of success,
they recognized the need for something on a regular
schedule – so I became mentor to the band.
3. Things were going fairly well for a while. I coached
them on some key skills to develop, helped them
communicate more effectively, and I chaired a couple of
hard meetings and helped them work through some
difficult issues.
They had come to the attention of a big-name band.
They were being considered as an opener. The leader of
the band was developing a personal relationship with the
famous, successful band, and everything appeared
poised for a whole new level of success.
4. FRICTION
Emotions are a funny thing. They are there to help us
and protect us. Sometimes they help us do the wrong
thing, and they “protect us” from the very thing we
want.
I admit that I didn’t adequately coach the band of
Emotional Intelligence. In retrospect, what I should
have done was insist that getting and listening to some
of my programs was a prerequisite to me working with
them. If they had listened to my programs, it would
have allowed me to work with them much more
effectively.
5. I did teach them a critical lesson
Friction
To start up as a brand new band,
they all had to be willing to start
at the ground floor. To work on
their first CD release, they had to
invest of themselves with no
promise of reward. When they
first started getting gigs, they
had to be willing to perform for
free just to get out there. It
takes a certainly willingness to
stay at a “we haven’t gotten
anywhere” level to do all that.
6. Now with great success possible, I warned them about friction. Their
emotions had adapted to being starving musicians. That was
comfortable for them. They could face that day in and day out and
work from there.
Success would be uncomfortable at first
7. DISCOMFORT
The emotion of Discomfort means you’re facing something with a
risk of harm of some kind. When they were on the bottom clawing
their way up, there really wasn’t anything to lose. It was all an
upward climb and there was no place to fall to.
With the prospect of sudden fame meandering near, suddenly there
WAS something to lose. That was a whole different thing than they
were used to.
8. The Self-Protection Reaction to Discomfort is “create space.” That
means you reflexively try to put some distance between you and the
thing you’re afraid might result in harm. I this case, they should be
prepared for their emotions to undermine what they were trying to
do – and make their choices accordingly.
Now maybe if they had listened to my Emotional Genius Program and
I was more of full time consultant, I might have been able to help
them more. As it was, they ran off and did things without talking to
me. I got wind of it after the fact.
9. Some of the band members suddenly started taking longer to
get their part of the music done.
That was one manifestation of
the emotional drive to “create
space” from the fear of falling if
they got to the top. The leader of
the band got impatient, so he
gathered some other musicians
to put some music together,
which was another manifestation
– since his band mates would not
like it. They would feel like he
was replacing them to go for big
success without them.
10. BROKEN BAND: GAME OVER
Well, as you can imagine, things erupted. With layer upon layer of
poor Emotional Intelligence, they failed the real-life test given to
them. By the time I was called, people were Angry, Hurt, and
Frustrated.
Apologies were made, but some of the
words exchanged were very serious.
People were furious, others were in
tears. I did what I could, but it was too
late. They had done very, very serious
damage to their relationships.
11. By the time we had the meeting they asked me to help with, they
had all been fuming for a while. Spouses and friends had gotten
involved in the “army building” the fueled sides and resulted in
some digging in.
There can be extra volatility with groups
of artists, and there certainly was here. I
had taught them the basics of what they
needed to know, but I should have had
them listen to Language of Emotions and
Pure Power before we got that far. It
was more than I was contracted to do,
but in retrospect, I should have worked
to persuade them to do that. I didn’t sell
them on more than they asked for, and
as a result I failed to give them what
they needed
12. I talk about the importance of already having the Emotional
Intelligence you need before you actually need it. This was one of
those cases when they needed more than I had taught them.
Actually, they would have done well just to
heed my warning about Friction. They
didn’t. Had life thrown this problem at
them a few months later I would have had
them ready – but life is like that: Life is full
of pop quizzes.
We never know when life will throw a pop quiz at us, but
when it does, we want to be ready!
13. Some of the members of that band are launching another project.
For their new band, they have new wisdom, new skill, and at least
one of them is consulting with me early and often. This time, if
such a huge opportunity comes along, this time the band will be
ready!
