listen, listen…

Merlijn Hoek flickr

Vince Alongi flickr

you may think you’relistening

but are youseeing?

A master martial artist asked
Bruce to teachhim everything Bruce knew about martialarts

Bruce held up two cups,
both filled withliquid by :: Robee ::, flickr

The first cuprepresents all of
your knowledge about martial arts.

The second cuprepresents all of
myknowledge aboutmartial arts.

If you want to fill
your cup with myknowledge, you must first empty yourcup of your knowledge.Bruce Lee

imagineyou’re sitting on a plane,
hoping you don’t get an annoyingseatmate who wants to talk

suddenly, a big guy wholooks
eager forconversation sits downnext to you…

moriza. flickr

how do yousee thisperson?

large plastic baggrand canyon muteAleutian
pretzel man

flipyourfocus by ecstaticist

How does this personsee themselves
and theirsituation?

This wasn’tLarge Plastic BagGrand Canyon
MuteAleutian Pretzel Manthis was a real person with aname and a history and storiesthat make him laugh and cry.He was a who, not a what, justlike me. Patti Digh Say Hi to Yaron

imagineyou’re thinking about (or trying
not to think about) thechallenge of poverty in Africa

how do yousee thesepeople?

flipyourfocus

How do these peoplesee themselves
andtheir situation?

I have the power to
change my world andmake a better life for my family.

imagineyou’re an eager employee preparing
to pitch a new initiativeto your Chief Financial Officer (CFO) who has a reputationas the “VP of No”

how do yousee thisperson?

flipyourfocus

How does this personsee themselves
andtheir situation?

I’ve got a thankless role
with the diciestrisk/reward ratio of any job short of aNavy Seal. Todd Baker << technowannabe, flickr

How do I see this
How does this person person? see themselves and their situation?

how does flipping your focuschange
you and yourapproach?

filters take us from all
sound to what we pay attention to distorting what we hear and creating our reality

culture language labels values inner
dialog status experiencespreconceptionspreoccupations assumptions attitudes intentions stress expectations beliefs

empty yourcup

Listening is not an automatic
consciouspilot. It is adecision… STOPEVERYTHING YOU’RETHINKING and listen.Suspend your own frame ofreference. Focus externally.Turn off your ego. Quitthinking everything revolvesaround your opinion. Give thestage in your head tosomeone else!Sunni Brown

Listening is magic: it turns
a personfrom an object outside, opaque, ordimly threatening, into an intimateexperience, and therefore into a friend.In this way, listening softens andtransforms the listener.Norman Fischer

The point is to understand
peopledeeply – so deeply you could live theirlife, walk in their shoes, and makedecisions the way they would.Indi Young

what’s your listening position?

Listening positionsBreak into pairs A
share why you came “I came to this event because…” B listen from different positions  Im bored  I want to be friends  Im in a hurry  What can I learn from this? A share your experiences B share your experiences Swap and repeat

everyone has astory

I wonder why they’re doing
that? Saying that?be deeply curious

Gee, that’s a dumb way
of doing it!listen to what you’re thinking

even if they aren’t knowledgeable
wonder you’re I about what whats for dinner tonight? seeking insight on, the extent of their knowledge or misinformation is usefulstay in the moment

That makes no sense… it
takes forever that way.suspend judgment

This is pointless. I’m going
to cut it short.be patient

I already know that, let’s
skip over it...adopt a beginner’s mind

My idea is really cool.
They just don’t get it.letting go

They’re awfully defensive. I’m not
going to learn anything...be kind

seek the unknown unknowns

abandon your script

to find the story

dig beneath opinionconjecturepreference

surfacingthe insightshiddenwithin theirstories

Stories are the large and
small instruments ofmeaning, of explanation, that we store in ourmemories.Joe Lambert

Stories carry emotional information, hopes,desires,
intentions, and pieces of relevantinformation.Seth Kahan

10 tips for mindfullistening

1

yes, that’s the sound of
silence (your mostpowerful listening tool!)

use body language to show
interest with2 nonverbal cues

smilingnoddingmaking eye contacttilting your headleaning
forwardopening and relaxing yourbody posturerelaxing your handsrelaxing and breathing

avoidfrowningnot moving your headlooking awaylooking
downglaringslumpingbeing stifffidgetingsighingyawning scragz flickr

use verbal cues to encourage
and show3 interest

it’s a matter of uh
huh priority priority?encourage notice keyword echo

Could you say a bit
Interesting I see more about…encourage acknowledge draw out

avoiding yes | no prompts
They probably don’t want hear any more … Anything else? No. yes | no prompt

yes | no prompts close
down conversation, keepingcontrol with the questioner Would…? Do…? Are…? If…? Will…? control

use open prompts instead Well,
the last What else? time… they must be interested in hearing more <silence> open prompt

open prompts draw people out
When…? What…? Why…? Describe… How…? Tell me about… hand over control

dig deep with WHY4

Because I’m loud. When I
wasn’t a supporter I was loud about it… probably fought it the first 6 months. I think it changed when I got introduced to favorites. I didn’t have to drill down every single time.I’m not sure why I [Name] heard me complaining. He was sitting near me. He came was chosen for over and showed me favorites and changed my life. this interview. Why do you think you were chosen? why (follow the verb)?

See how many attachments there
are in my Inbox? Lots from HR. If it was a It’s not a How do you corporate priority HR corporate know that? wouldn’t be sending priority. attachments.abstraction reveals frame

but be careful with why
prompts because they kickthe rational brain into gear hmmm, why do I do it that way? maybe because… why did you do it that way? … I have too much to do, so I can’t afford the time… rationalization

follow the story!5 listen for
abstractions or generalizations and prompt for concrete experience

When was the Well, yesterday
Normally I last time you <name> called me to search… did that? ask for… Can you give me an example? probe for specificabstraction experience story

try to imagine the entire
scene … who was involved? next?

who, what, when, why, how…
… how did it end? what did you do?

extend the story by exploring
themes were there other Tell me about them. times…? yes elicit more stories explore theme

working down the abstractionladder LH
Walker

offer an hypothesis and let
them fix your6 understanding

Sounds like you’re sayingthat you
waste a lot of time So you chasing down answers… That’s partly the mean…? reason, but also… let go incorrect hypothesis “fix” understanding interpretation

paraphrase to show understanding, clarify7
misperceptions, and build relationships

Sounds like you’re 1, 2,
3… saying…listen mentally summarize restate (your words)

be brief, don’t parrot back,
convey no judgment, useYOU What Im hearing is that you… restate (your words)

listen for outliers to understand
workarounds8 and probe for opportunities

That’s a really odd. Looks
like when youNo one else would need to [x], you do [y] ever do that. Let’s talk about why you Well, what do that. happens is… assumption set aside assumption ah, opportunity!

listen for and reflect back
their words9

I keep everything …it’s client
What do you mean, together in client server… client server? I’M the matter folders client!your words their words

use empathic listening when they
share10 feelings or show emotion

content contentfeeling feeling

anger fear contemptsurprise happiness sadness

watch for tells in expressions,
body language, or tone

frustrated elated angry exhausted awed
timid disappointedhonored stressed excited joyous confident nervous depressed fearfulshocked friendship hopeful relaxed torn proud change courageous accepteddelighted success disgusted embarrassed amused happy jealous convictionpity remorse sad surprised worried unhappy strong stand respectappreciated distant

tune into their feelings to
increase their comfort andencourage them to continue Every day I have you’re feeling upset to… 1, 2, 3… because 1, 2, 3… it pisses me off! reflect feelings, listen for feelings mentally summarize restate content

The way it was implemented
led to You’re feeling frustrated because compartmentalization. If process had led us, we you work on projects with other departments. Because it would have been much could belong to any of those departments, you find it difficult farther along… It’s the to know where to put things. And when you need to email nature of our work. We someone, you never know if you’re going to have access to work with x, y, and z. that department’s folder. So you feel that you’re Makes it difficult to know… wasting a lot of time and that things aren’t organized. 1, 2, 3…emotion in tone or body reflect feelings, language mentally summarize restate content

Being heard is soclose to
beinglovedthat for theaverage personthey arealmostindistinguishable.David Augsberger kelsey_lovefusionphoto flickr

test yourlistening

Can you tell the story
from theirperspective?

Did what you hear challenge
yourassumptions? Change your worldview inany way?

always be listeningevery question is
a drop of clarity in a seaof change Sean Rogers1 flickr

practice, practice, practice

build a library of great
questions, questionbeginnings or prompts

be astory collector

stories reveal what people care
about most

stories reveal how people perceive
the world

stories point the way to
insights

Maybe stories are just data
with a soul.Brené Brown

learn to listen so you
cansee

Open your eyes and focus
on whatever you observed before – thatplant or leaf or dandelion. Look it in the eye, until you feel it lookingback at you. Feel that you are alone with it on Earth!That it is the most important thing in the universe, that it contains allthe riddle of life and death. It does! You are no longer looking, you areSEEING…The Zen of Seeing, by Frederick Franck Neal flickr

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(Adoption Community)