Become A Remarkable Practice Essay Only

Become A Remarkable Practice

Relationship Based Dentistry Loving our Living
Serving with Soul
T o serve with soul is to bring
congruence between the

W T
hat happens between a he slightest adjustment can human “doing” and the human
dentist (or any auxiliary) change the way we are perceived “being” thus exposing that
and a patient is shaped by many and ultimately impact how we are which lives TRULY in our hearts.
curious and confounding forces. valued and trusted so we can in
Confusion between beliefs,
actions or words and intent can
earnest, help them to health. I t’s just that sometimes hearts
get crusted over with the

I magine working every day in debris and hangovers of our
sometimes be far from what experiences (long term and in
we mean to convey. It’s true for a climate free of suspicion and
doubt. We all know that dentistry the last 10 minutes). It’s easy to
patients too. become cluttered and confused,
can seem equal to most patients.

S ometimes the smallest with the constant noise about
adjustments have the ability
to hugely impact the way we P rofoundly personal service can
be the defining difference. Once
trust is awarded – the heavens
price and convenience, and the
current pressures of running a
practice. So how do we keep
demonstrate caring and come to
understand what patients really open. It can be done in a matter of loving our living – even in to
mean. deliberate hours. sunset years?

S omething quite simple needs
change if we are seeking F or starters, we need to
believe that this precious
relationship between caregiver
something more from our career.
and patient deserves, even
demands, our commitment to
making it ever more conscious.

P riorities are adjusted with
each of us striving to take
our responsibilities to a more
deliberate level. And, to see to it
that our commitments are more
grounded, that they go beyond
mere intention but truly make a
meaningful difference.

T o be valued, choosing
dentistry must be an
experience instead of choosing
a bunch of procedures.

2 B e c o m e A R e m a r k a b l e Pr a c t i c e

I magine if we were all serious
about doing away with
those distracted phone calls,
EQ. (Emotional Quo-
tient) has bounded
in to conversations. That
the times when we barely emotions effect behaviour has
listened, perhaps writing long been known. Develop-
up charts, looking at x-rays, ing EI - shortened to EQ - is
cleaning a room or watching the new “must have” in board
the screen while pretending rooms, bedrooms, class rooms
to be relating. We want to and health care. If we could
eliminate the token greeting, hear again Dr. Bob Barkley, Dr.
“how are you” and our minds L.D. Pankey, Carl Rogers and
elsewhere. We want to do others, I think we would hear
something better than visit
Big
united and repeated “wahoos” auxiliaries have said nearly the
questions come next
over dental conditions with as more people serve and act same words. All wondered
like how do I do it,
images, models or x-rays being with soul. They were indeed in the beginning when this
how long does it take, how
all we relate to. Many have had ahead of their time. thing called relationship
have others done it, and so on.
enough of that on both sides. starts meeting our criteria for
A learnable skill Now brace yourself a real mind
We want something more in bender. “success.” Well, I do hear you,
this realm called relationship. No matter the name, the and yet I need you to hear
concepts employ learnable It’s why that matters most. In that I earnestly know happy
Each of us knows what that
finding what you really love to practices with long standing
“something more” relationship skills that are unnatural to
most people. Like dancing, do, you’ll never have to work teams and clients are a reality.
feels like. Nature allows us to
close our mouth but not our everyone can learn the moves. a day in your life. Is delivering The people within are not
remedial care enough? What unrealistic - too soft hearted
ears. How we communicate is Some can really hear the
music and all get better with business do you want to be in? to be smart headed. Quite the
the linchpin.
practice. Whom do you want to serve? contrary. They are not of cults
All priests and priestesses What commitment are you nor trends nor bandwagons.
of health- centered, patient We can quickly change that willing to make? WHY? Chasing the cutting edge
centric, volitional, values, sometimes zest less thing we of technology they realize
often have called rapport. It only takes one
relationship based practice is easily duplicated and not
talks about “The Connection” We can begin to move it in distinctive to warrant loyalty
Practices change from the
needing to be more than it to new realms of real helping and support.
passion of one committed soul.
often is. instead of curing and deliver
“O. K., so if only I start doing
in our heart of hearts what we They know, and I probably
it, there already isn’t enough
That means we need more really, REALLY want to deliver need not remind you, that
of me to go around” a doctor
consciousness to use what’s – health preserving or revital- we’re talking about this fragile,
says. “It’s always me. I have to
available in all of us. We must izing, often invisible dentistry utterly frustrating, and yet
make the changes, I have to do
demand that each of us be that is paid for with happy ultimately incredibly fulfilling
the work, and he/she sits back
fully present. We must not dollars. profession called dentistry that
and does nothing. I’m run off
only listen to hear, but also is equally, if not more about
my feet as it is.” I understand
pause to feel what patients behaviours than it is about the
that wail of despair. I also
communicate. clinical science itself.
know that a fair share of

Happiness is like a butterfly, it is not to be
chased. Perhaps if you sit still it will light
on your shoulder

Reprint and distribution after talking with me - please & thankyou Suzan Bekolay 277 Frome Street, Fitzroy Harbour, Ontario K0A 1X0
Suz’s phone 613-292-1978 Fax 613-622-5422 www.clickcoaching.ca suzan@clickcoaching.ca

B e c o m e A R e m a r k a b l e Pr a c t i c e 3

W hat's this relationship
phenomenon – serving
burbs, rural towns and once
they learn and understand
not because they know they
should. There’s one thing that
with soul we're talking about?

Recently I’ve come to call it
it, and everyone uses even
just the fundamentals,; wow,
hasn’t changed in all these
years and that’s behaviour. Glorious
Change
the glorious changes it has New behavioural technologies
“The Ally Process”, a name are what has developed.
wrought.
coined by Dr. Sid Simon (Pro-
fessor Emeritus University of
Mass.,) and I like it. Treatment
coordinators and codiscover-
Just like the brilliance behind
the invention of post it notes,
the Ally process is a simple
P eople power busi-
nesses. As a spin-off
of allying with patients,
ies have become popular- concept. Let me speak about new chemistries formed
ized. Although well intended it from an old dental assis- in teams stemming from
hollow preach-teach systems tant’s perspective who had a the striking impact of
and insurance administration black belt in tongue fu. behaviour modelling.
prevails. Many employ what I Consistently, many found
call “tongue-fu”. In the early 70’s with passion- new joy in relationships
ate caring, I missed the most with each other. Happy
I’ve integrated “Ally” across important thing - people people are far more produc-
North America in large cities, change when they want to tive and open to change.

The Ally Process is fundamental to relationship based practice. It does not employ Tongue Fu -
teaching, evangelizing, or the manipulative, strong arming, outsmarting, out-
thinking realm of sales and heavy handed promotion. It coincides with the idea that “people don’t care how much you know until
they know how much you care” and the corollary “people go where they feel understood more than where they are taught to
understand”. (Thank-you mentors.)

I simply decide to become an ally to you. I make that conscious, aware, commitment. I focus on achievement - even baby steps
to health, not the “success” of “filling holes in the books”. As your ally, I listen very, very carefully to understand your experiences,
what it is you say you want to achieve then patiently explore the meaning of them both. I never assume meaning since all
meaning is personal. I try to help you figure out what you want, why it’s important to you and finally help you get what you want.

Maybe it is to use up your insurance. Maybe it is to save your teeth in to old age. Maybe it is to have all your teeth out. Maybe
it is to heal your disappointment at how your teeth have deteriorated. Maybe you think dentists are rip off artists as dentistry
repeatedly failed. I try my darndest not to judge your want, distillation, fear or to shape it, influence it or change it to meet my
standards nor align it with my experiences with other patients.

OK, that seems pretty straightforward. A lot of dentists will say "Hell we do that every day." Well, maybe. If there’s room for
you to love you living more, you might consider looking harshly at how you give advice or “recommend”. Perhaps you
have occasionally employed “tongue-fu” which can, at the worst, be sarcastic about "THE reality" or inadvertently threaten or push
for action. You may have occasionally resented that patients did not award you blind faith given your credentials. It’s possible that
you have been overly managerial, making mini dentists of people and had the "want" come
out of you instead of out of them. Remember we've been programmed as advice
givers - to have the “right” answers. It’s cousin to the dictum “be conservative”,
robbing people of their freedom to choose. All makes us sometimes insensitive to
someone else's process of becoming which must include expression of feelings.
The more cognitive the experience, the less likely there will be change.

Tongue Fu distorts emotional response. Accurate emotions
galvanize ALL behavioural change. It will insight
resistance and a verbal battle begins. The word “but” is often the starting bell like
“Will my insurance pay for it”. Or, maybe you’ve been so non-directive, patients
are left adrift in a sea of choices. In such confused states, consulting with family,
friends, or the net, adds more confusion and postponement is made easy. So
much for prevention.


Remember Rocky

T hat said, what does an Ally
do to help someone move
towards action?
near his swollen eye so he can
see again. (It might take a little
courage for us to do that, even
way. Patients have to do the
do’s for themselves but we
commit to being in their corner
symbolically). in functional healthy ways.

T hink of one of the first
“Rocky” movies. You
remember? Stallone is taking G et this point and get
it well. It is central to W
e can ask questions
that help them clarify
a beating in the ring, barely understanding how to be an their aspirations. We can very
hanging on, but the bell finally ally. WHEN THE BELL RINGS, carefully, offer advice, but
rings. He stumbles back into (and it always does) ROCKY both very sparingly. We can
his corner. There his allies GOES BACK IN ALONE TO FIGHT respond without owning their
wait. They rinse out his mouth THE FIGHT. challenge when asked to be
guard (ah, there’s a help.) They their resource, yet when the
So, the major implication is time comes, when the bell
massage his shoulders. They
that as an ally, we don’t fight rings, they go out and fight
pour a sponge of water over
the fight for them. That’s a the fight – make the choices,
his head. They encourage. In
place where sometimes, some owning the risks and always
one grim scene one of his allies
professionals have lost their we respect their choice..
takes a razor and cuts the skin

What does an Ally do?

I f I am to be an ally, the
patient has to let me know
exactly what it is they want to
elaboration as she connects
with her own valuing and to
make sure I really get it.
mind. For example, I would
never ask a question that
begins with, “Don’t you think
question can be perceived
as an open and warm ally
question seeking to find out
do. Muddy, ambivalent, wish it’s ...” because that would be what she really wants, not
washy goals are tough to ally
to. I need clear statements on A ccurate empathy, re-
framing, projecting yet
unrealized potential impacts,
a question that already has an
answer, and the answer is that
what I guess she needs, or
from my perspective what she
where they want to wind up she is wrong. damn well better consider she
and what they desire on the associated feelings, and a
needs. An ally simply doesn’t
journey before I can help them plethora of other helpful Instead I might ask: “How has use “damn well betters” which
with means that might fit. I techniques heighten the sense
dental insurance helped you includes non-verbal forms
work to help them clear up the that I seek to understand in the past? Any frustrations like scaring the dickens out of
mud long before any means before trying to be about coverage? What are them with images of problem
(treatment) is proposed. understood. some good things that have areas.
come out of your investments

T
I don’t crowd my own
ake the simple example
of a patient who says she
wants optimal health via
“material” into what I hear to
fill the blank spots of silence.
of the past? What will need
to be sacrificed if you spend
money on your teeth? What
A matrix of questions
intertwined with
reflections, empathy, mirroring
dental insurance. The auto-pilot - teaching or
will be the impact on the metaphors and quiet, help
giving advice that is oh so
people close to you? How bring about precisely what
So what do I do: I listen very comfortable and easy must not
is the timing with your outcomes might be useful and
carefully while she talks. I take over.
insurance? Is there value at what outcomes might not be
interrupt very infrequently. I

T
oo many questions, open this time in looking at options as salutatory. I focus on what
actively listen and employ
skills as she freely thinks out ended or not, puts people outside of your coverage? has meaning and relevance
on the defensive. I try not to What help do you need from to her. Then, always with the
loud which often becomes
peppered with emotions. I ask questions to which I have me?” Rocky image in mind, I simply
try to help her get what she
reflect often which encourages already one right answer in No matter the focus, this last wants.


B e c o m e A R e m a r k a b l e Pr a c t i c e 5

Fear is huge.
Dentistry isn’t
pleasant but the the greatest
valuable if our first experiences
serve to strengthen connection
with our shared valuing – what
A llying feels good. Even
to those whose creed is
“I’m not going to push people”
number of fear barriers have we make our world and how which is 100% appropriate
to do with money, irreversible we want to be in it. Order and since selling dentistry simply
outcomes - making mistakes defined processes, scripts and doesn’t work. The opposite,
that are hard to hide in a cookie cutters often have to however, in the realms of
drawer, being classified or be tossed to be exquisitely preaching, teaching giving
misunderstood, choosing the responsive. advice or letting it go until
right solution, dentist and “they are ready” have proven
team. All can be diluted even
dissolved by serving with soul
I seek her guidance
continually. Always, she
controls what help we give and
their effectiveness considering
the tooth time bombs living in
which awards mutual trust and many dentists file cabinets.
how we give it. We proceed at
respect.
her speed and within the limits
“You cannot teach a man anything; you
T he objective of all human
beings is ultimately an
effort to connect with each
of what is ethically and morally
sound and congruent with our
practice values and beliefs.
can only help him to discover it in himself”
Galileo
other, to belong. So it’s

Validations & Check-ins Did We Serve with Soul?

N ow, there is one other very
important consideration
in serving with soul. As an Ally,
“I respect how you handled
the complicated details of
affording your health.”
plan. An ally who lets others
be who they are calls for self
knowledge and high self-
come back: “it felt too pushy or
it was too much information.
Or, I just wanted done what I’ve
I do what I do with an absolute “I appreciate the time you esteem. always had done” Have you
minimum of negativism, felt a maximum of validation

F
have invested in .....”
and an absolute maximum inally, there are occasional
and a minimum of negative
of positive affirmations and
validations. The not always
It’s a major dictum in this ally
stuff. Is it just about being
positive? No. Given that
“checkins” between the ally
and the patient. The ally asks
simple questions, to review
criticism? Again, a crucial
question and the answer you
predictable ally relationship get, might not be one you
most of our training has been the experience, and receives
and the fragile connection wanted, but I encourage you
about problem identification, honest answers to them. Have
cannot thrive in the midst to ask it when you begin to see
it’s easy to jump to solutions you felt our support? Have I
of abundant and wanton the utter importance of that
too quickly. Do we ignore done enough of what I said I
negativism about problematic simple notion – people value
problems? No. We just talk would do?
conditions. being truly cared about.
more from the glass half full

V alidations, abundant perspective, inspiring hope, Those are
validations, can never be self efficacy and providing a difficult
phony and they aren’t like safe place to speak openly. questions
“praise” - the vacant “you’ll be to ask,
The buck stops when a fully because
glad you did” scripts especially
conscious, sensitive and aware the
from people who know
person begins trying to be a answer
little more than their name.
real ally rather than project might
Remember we all have built in
their values and distillations
crap detectors.
of what ought to be done,
For contrast, here are just a few postponed, risked or gained.
examples of patient centric
affirmations:

“I admire that you want to
A n Ally does not require
compliance but rather
supports another to coauthor
make your health better.” and finally adhere to a personal


The imprmoatnt thnig is the frist and lsat

H ard to blveiee that you can
acullaty uesdnatnrd what
you’re rdeniag. Aoccrdnig to a
I n the beginning agree there
is merit in the relationship.
Indeed you are often a Serve with Soul adventurous stranger, strike
resraech study at Cmabrigde messenger. Keep in mind the bell and bide the danger. Or wonder ‘til
Uinveritsy, it deosn’t mttaer that people can’t believe the it drives you mad, what would have, could
in what odrer the ltteers in a message until they know the have if only you had….
word are, the only imprmoatnt messenger, and they can’t
thing is that the frist and lsat believe the message until they
letter be in the rghit pclae. The know what the messenger
rset can be a taotl mess and
you can still raed it wioutht
believes.
S ome will say, “yeah, yeah…I know all this stuff”, while others
will roll their eyes at the “new Age-iness” of it all. But there’s
porbelm.

This is because the human
Focus on clearing
up what each
patient wants in the “end”
one thing after 30 years being at this ally stuff has taught me -
there’s a big difference between knowing and believing.

mind does not read every
letter by itself, but the word
and let the middle parts, the
means, the how, the treatment I t boils down to this; If you know it, but you don’t do it, you
don’t know it, because if you knew it, you’d do it!
as a whole. Serving with soul itself fall in to place.
has similarities. Your patients
consider their experiences with When you consider all S erving with soul can be your ticket to never work another
day in your life by loving your living because of the people
in your practice. I hope you’ll give it some thought.
you as a whole. If you think the noise about price and
convenience think about the
you have to be “perfect” before
you begin to serve with soul,
thnik again.
simple thing you can change
tomorrow - how you dialogue
I t’s a great time to be a dentist when so many peoples are
wondering where the days of sincere caring and service have
gone. You can build a remarkable practice as unique as your
with a patient or team
fingerprint.
member.

In 1974 Suzan Bekolay was intentional living, Suzan Introducing the team to
inspired by the work of the returned to her native Ottawa, contemporary behavioural Compasses &
late Dr. Bob Barkley, Dr. L.D. Ontario, Canada in 2006. dynamics ( fundamental to Road Maps
Pankey, & Avrom King whose As the owner of Click Coaching, relationship based practice
notions of “whole person Suzan works with dental for both client and team
dentistry” were, at the time, practices in ways untypical in development) Suzan works
revolutionary. the industry. Often it begins collaboratively to integrate
Committed to intervening in with enabling the dentist or rejuvenate complimentary
a trend for dentists to give in, to respect their beliefs and processes and hone skills.
give up or get out, led Suzan purposes and then to clarify These elements have
to the study of millions of them in the context of their synergistically and routinely
dollars worth of additional work. proven useful to close gaps on
behavioural and business The ultimate goal is to have , profitability.
research, then to recognize Doctor’s philosophy, mission, Perhaps most importantly,
and absorb what’s relevant, vision and execution “click”. Suzan sets her client free with
and synthesize it for the use of She assists clients to success by a compass in hand instead
select clients (many occlusion developing congruent teams of a road map so that as the
based) across North America. that click. Target markets are landscape changes (and it
It continues unabated to this identified and strategies to constantly does) the team can
day. reach them evolve so patients venture forth with confidence
Moving in the spirit of and practice “click”. on their own.


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