COUC 510 Page 1 of 2 JIM’S LETTER TO HELEN Dear Helen, As I mentioned at the end of our meeting yesterday, I often write letters to people after meeting with them to offer additional ideas. Because one idea often leads to another, these letters can help people form their own thoughts for further discussion at our next meeting. First of all, I want to say how very much I enjoyed meeting you and learning about this new story you are writing for your life. It is clear that the old story where Nagging Dissatisfaction had trapped you, so that you couldn’t move forward or backward, is a story you are no longer willing to put up with. I suspect that Nagging Dissatisfaction may have to find a different job than stirring up those disquieting feelings for you, or pushing you to the point that you feel out of control and behave toward your children in ways that don’t reflect what you love most about being a mother. When you asked if I thought you’d need to be in therapy for the rest of your life, I said I doubted it because most people in this country find what they are looking for in six or fewer therapy sessions. After talking with you, I am even more confident that you are unlikely to be in therapy for a long time. I base my opinion on how you have already started realizing how passionate you are about the significant role you play in your children’s lives as a “stay-at-home-mom,” and how much you love that role. You beautifully described the great importance of your role in shaping their lives: you are dedicated to helping them discover who they are, what they are passionate about, and what dreams they have for their futures. As a parent myself, I can think of no job that is more significant than this one, in which you have clearly invested so much of yourself. I am very impressed that your dedication to your children’s current and future lives has made it possible to prevent Nagging Dissatisfaction’s scare tactics and lies from further intimidating and confusing you. As I thought about this dedication, I realized how remarkable this feat is, given three things that you mentioned: 1. You were not “seen” in your family as you grew up, which can plant the seeds of doubt about one’s abilities and worth. 2. Your marriage “is not life giving” in terms of recognizing what is fulfilling for you, creating doubts about how much you can hope for in life. 3. Your mother appeared to be happy with her life story, which made it seem as if you should also be happy with your life story, despite your dissatisfaction. Not giving in to Nagging Dissatisfaction seems even more remarkable when I consider how our culture insinuates that being a stay-at-home-mom is never enough: “you should be more.” It looks to me like Nagging Dissatisfaction used these three sensitive areas in your life, teamed up with society’s message, to try to deceive and discourage you. It appears that Nagging Dissati.

1. COUC 510
Page 1 of 2
JIM’S LETTER TO HELEN
Dear Helen,
As I mentioned at the end of our meeting yesterday, I often
write letters to people after
meeting with them to offer additional ideas. Because one idea
often leads to another,
these letters can help people form their own thoughts for further
discussion at our next
meeting.
First of all, I want to say how very much I enjoyed meeting you
and learning about this
new story you are writing for your life. It is clear that the old
story where Nagging
Dissatisfaction had trapped you, so that you couldn’t move
forward or backward, is a

2. story you are no longer willing to put up with. I suspect that
Nagging Dissatisfaction
may have to find a different job than stirring up those
disquieting feelings for you, or
pushing you to the point that you feel out of control and behave
toward your children in
ways that don’t reflect what you love most about being a
mother.
When you asked if I thought you’d need to be in therapy for the
rest of your life, I said I
doubted it because most people in this country find what they
are looking for in six or
fewer therapy sessions. After talking with you, I am even more
confident that you are
unlikely to be in therapy for a long time. I base my opinion on
how you have already
started realizing how passionate you are about the significant
role you play in your
children’s lives as a “stay-at-home-mom,” and how much you
love that role. You
beautifully described the great importance of your role in
shaping their lives: you are
dedicated to helping them discover who they are, what they are

3. passionate about, and
what dreams they have for their futures. As a parent myself, I
can think of no job that is
more significant than this one, in which you have clearly
invested so much of yourself.
I am very impressed that your dedication to your children’s
current and future lives has
made it possible to prevent Nagging Dissatisfaction’s scare
tactics and lies from further
intimidating and confusing you. As I thought about this
dedication, I realized how
remarkable this feat is, given three things that you mentioned:
1. You were not “seen” in your family as you grew up, which
can plant the seeds
of doubt about one’s abilities and worth.
2. Your marriage “is not life giving” in terms of recognizing
what is fulfilling for
you, creating doubts about how much you can hope for in life.
3. Your mother appeared to be happy with her life story, which
made it seem as
if you should also be happy with your life story, despite your
dissatisfaction.
Not giving in to Nagging Dissatisfaction seems even more
remarkable when I consider

4. how our culture insinuates that being a stay-at-home-mom is
never enough: “you should
be more.” It looks to me like Nagging Dissatisfaction used these
three sensitive areas in
your life, teamed up with society’s message, to try to deceive
and discourage you. It
appears that Nagging Dissatisfaction almost had you bullied
into believing that “whatever
I do, it is never enough.” But you took away one of Nagging
Dissatisfaction’s most
important tricks when you correctly noted that what may have
been satisfying for your
COUC 510
Page 2 of 2
mother as a woman born in 1929, is not necessarily going to be
satisfying for you as a
woman facing today’s challenges and opportunities.
Now that you have stalled Nagging Dissatisfaction’s initiative, I
can’t help but wonder
how your realization about the significance of your role in

5. helping your children move
forward in their own lives is likely to also help you rediscover
your own passions and
dreams. I’m also wondering how this realization in turn is likely
to help you move
forward in your life as well. However, doing so may stir up
more of those disquieting
feelings like the troubling anger, fear, and longing you
mentioned. As a mother, you
know that stirred emotions are to be expected with any
transition. But I am concerned
that Nagging Dissatisfaction may try to use these feelings as a
way of frightening you
into “going asleep” again, as it had in the past, so you won’t
pay attention to what really
matters in your life.
On the other hand, the “hope” you mentioned, which brought
tears to your eyes at the end
of our meeting, suggests to me that you are indeed staying
awake and already beginning
to rewrite this story with more possibilities than Nagging
Dissatisfaction could write for
you. Having heard the beginning of this new story that is so

6. different than the one
Nagging Dissatisfaction had in mind, I have been wondering
who in your life would not
be surprised that you’ve been able to break Nagging
Dissatisfaction’s spell and instead
remember what really matters most to you. I mentioned how I
thought catching on to
Nagging Dissatisfaction’s tricks may help you move forward; I
have also been wondering
how this change is likely to benefit your children’s futures as
well.
Something I wish I’d asked you during our meeting was how
our conversation was going
for you. In particular, I wondered if the conversation was going
in a useful direction, and
if there was anything I could have done that would have been
more useful for you. I
welcome any thoughts you have about this question, because my
best guesses about what
may be helpful may or may not really fit for you. You
understand your life story as only
a woman and a mother can; being a man, I only can understand
your story as an outsider.

7. I would very much appreciate your guidance in how I can be
most helpful to you as you
learn how to keep Nagging Dissatisfaction from interfering with
this new story that you
are writing for yourself and for your children.
I’ll be interested in hearing your thoughts about these ideas I’ve
offered, as well as any
ideas you have had about your changing story. I look forward to
seeing you next week to
dialogue with you further.
Warm regards,
Jim