Matters of the Heart.pdf

Matters of the
Heart
Answers by Harish Shah
a.k.a Coach Harry

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Matters of the
Heart
Answers by Harish Shah
a.k.a Coach Harry

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Matters of the Heart – Answers by Harish Shah a.k.a Coach Harry
Copyright © 2023 by (Harish Kumar Janak Shah)
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted
in any form or by any means, including for purposes of adaptation, in any
form, language or medium, without express written permission from the
author.
Published for free dissemination only, by Harish Kumar Janak Shah
(Singapore)
https://www.linkedin.com/in/harishshah

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Dedication
To anyone, who has ever felt love.

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About the Author
Harish Shah’s Singapore registered Coaching Practice Mind
Evolution crossed the 10-year threshold in February 2023.
As Singapore’s longest practicing Millennial generation Life
Coach, he is endearingly known to his clients as Coach Harry.
Harish coaches his clients to become better Debaters,
Negotiators, Public Speakers, Presenters, Leaders, or Marketers.
He also Coaches his clients to better manage their Stress and
Personal Lives, especially where Matters of the Heart are
concerned. He believes that there is no greater reward in life than
seeing hearts find love, comfort, and warmth.
Harish has developed his own unique Coaching Methodology
that focuses on Positive Feelings rather than Positive Thinking, to
help clients achieve better confidence, thinking, decision making
and performance. Where necessary, as part of his Coaching plans,
he employs traditional and authentic secular meditation that is
believed to be thousands of years old, which he has acquired from
his Indian heritage. He is a rare person born and raised outside of
India to be an advanced practitioner of the authentic Indian form of
Meditation.
Harish’s Coaching Methodology rejects universality or
conformity in Coaching of any sort, to any degree. He does not
believe in or agree “textbook” styles or methods to Coaching
because of his firm conviction that every human being is different
and unique, as are his or her situations and needs. Harish believes
in first understanding the person, and then assessing the needs for

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Coaching intervention, before drafting tailored plans in partnership
with each individual devoid of pre-existing conceptions or
perceptions of what the Coaching plan or programme should
involve.
Harish developed the Mind Evolution Coaching method along
the principle that a Coaching Relationship must be a Human-to-
Human Relationship, not a Transactional Relationship or a Buyer-
Seller Relationship.
An Autodidact and a Polymath, Harish is also a Futurologist,
and he operates a registered Futurist Consulting Practice, Stratserv
Consultancy, alongside Mind Evolution.
Harish graduated with a Bachelor of Commerce from The
University of Western Australia, in 2007, with Triple Majors in
Management, Human Resource Management and Industrial
Relations.

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Author’s Note
This free eBook came about as a result of a Life Coach’s
interactions on Quora.com.
Inspired by the appreciation received for simple pro bono
answers on Quora.com to pertinent questions about heartbreak,
love, romance, and relationship that most people would be able to
relate to at some point or another in their lives, the idea for this
Q&A style eBook came about.
There are no chapters or parts to this eBook. There is no
Content Page. There is no Preface or Introduction. There is no end-
note or conclusion. The entire eBook is written in a Question-and-
Answer format, in a casual tone and style. It is written as if it were
a transcription of a verbal exchange between a Coach and a Client.
When the questions run out, the eBook just stops
The words are not minced. The language is not censored. It is a
“no holds barred” styled list of responses from a Life Coach’s
standpoint.
The responses to Questions found in this eBook are not meant
to flatter, placate feelings, or tell the reader what the reader would
want to read or hear. The responses are informal, casual, no
nonsense, firm and curt, directly to point, of what is absolutely
necessary.
Matters of the Heart are always complex and complicated.
However, they are never as broad and wide, though very widely
varied in the manner of manifestations, and hence, there are the

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expected overlaps and seeming repetitions in the responses to the
questions found in this eBook.
This eBook, Matters of the Heart, is as close a substitute or
alternative as one may expect to Pro Bono Relationship or Life
Coaching by Coach Harry.
This eBook, though in a very different format and style, is an
extension to Coach Harry’s two previous free eBooks written from
a Life Coach’s standpoint:
1. Evolve: For a Life Less Ordinary
2. Life Reflections of a Life Coach: Revelations from a
Personal Journal
Matters of the Heart is a gift from Coach Harry to anyone
seeking simple answers to address issues of love and heartbreak, to
mark not just the occasion of the Coaching Practice Mind
Evolution, turning 10 in 2023, but more importantly, the Mind
Evolution Coaching Method turning 10.
I hope in the following pages, if you have questions pertaining
to Matters of the Heart, you will find your answers. As it is, love,
romance, heartbreak, and relationships are complex and
complicated enough. You should not want to accentuate it by
dwelling too much on it, which with this eBook you won’t have to.
It is on 56 pages in total, including the cover. All the best.

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What are some signs that show that two people are
meant for each other or destined to be together forever
(not just love)?
If you are a man, and you realise that the woman in front of
you is the female version of you, that is it.
If you are a woman and the man in front of you, and you are
absolutely convinced about this without any doubt, is the male
version of you, well, that is it then.
When a man and a woman are just gender opposite duplicates
of each other, they need to start believing that they were not just
made as such, and then introduced to each other in life, simply by
chance or accident. As sceptical as one might be, in that sort of a
situation, it is best to believe in things beyond what contemporary
science may immediately be able to explain.
How do I know if I have fallen in love or found my
soulmate?
If it is about physical or sexual attraction or arousal, you are
not in love. That being out of the equation, despite being perfectly
healthy, you are breathless like fish without water, when not
around that person, you are in love.
When it isn’t about sex or physical touch. When it isn’t about
wanting a kiss. When it isn’t about physical attraction or because
“she is beautiful” or “he is handsome”. When appearance has
nothing to do with it. When you are perfectly healthy and fine, and
there is no medical reason for being breathless, but you feel
breathless for days at end, when you are not with her/him and you
don’t speak to her/him, and you know that the reason for
breathlessness is her/his absence from your life.
When you can’t imagine continuing life without her/him.

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And it isn’t about you. It isn’t about any experience she/he can
create for you, by being in your life. When rather, it is about
continuing your life entirely in the purpose of providing happiness
to her/him, protecting her/his heart, taking care of her/him in any
and every situation, better than anyone else ever would.
And when your feelings to towards that someone is about
spirituality, devotion to that person and it amounts to being a form
of worship.
When the physical appearance or physical attributes that person
do not matter.
When your day is just rendered worth living by the mere
presence of that person.
Then, you are in love. Then, you have found your soulmate.
I don't want him, but why do I still love him?
You do not control love. Love controls you.
You do not get to choose who you fall in love with. You grow
up with aspirations of a movie star like Prince Charming. You fall
in love with someone who stands no chance at fitting such a
description. You choose not to give in. You pursue and settle with
a handsome, wealthy charmer. Two kids and ten anniversaries later
your heart pines for that guy who was not at all what the guy is that
you married. And it feels like a wasted life.
Good looks are a bonus. Wealth can be useful. Love is life.
You love someone, but you do not want that person. Why? Not
stylish enough? Not fashionable? Not popular with your friends?
Your family doesn't like him? He is not very educated? Not rich?
What are all these reasons? Compare all of them put together, with
what you feel. You won't get over this. Your feeling is forever.
Trying to choose who to love will do nothing but waste your life,
no matter who or what you get.

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Think. Why do you not want him? What difference does that
reason make?
How do I get over a break-up I initiated? He was
loving and caring, but I knew he wasn't the right one for
me. It hurts so much.
When it comes to love, romance, or relationships, where you
choose to listen to your mind over your heart, regret tends to
become a permanent feature of your future.
Your heart loves him. It sounds like it from the way you pose
your question. For reasons relatively superficial perhaps, you may
have decided that he is not for you. Off course, you know your
decision best, and so too the reasons behind it. It is for you to
assess, whether the decision was right, and whether the reasons
behind that decision were important enough.
You don't get over people you love. That only happens in
fiction.
When you love someone, it is involuntary, beyond your control
and for life.
So how then do you get over your break-up? You need to first
come to terms with the reasons why you believe he was not the
right one for you. Was he indeed not right for you? Can love ever
be wrong? You need to confront yourself with these questions.
I want to get her back. I am in love with her. What
should I do, let her go and forget her? Or do I keep
trying to win her back?
You cannot “let her go”. So do not bother trying. Instead, start
working on learning to live without her, despite not having her in
your life.
You will never forget her, unless you develop dementia,
amnesia, or something along those lines. Learn to cherish and

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derive joy, ecstasy, from the thoughts and memories of her, which
will always remain with you.
You cannot win her back. She is not a trophy, a title, or a sum
of money. She is a human being.
She, and she alone, has the unquestionable right to choose to be
with you. She also has the unquestionable right to choose not to be
with you. This is in absolute terms with no room for any debate.
She has the absolute right to choose to be with someone else,
whomever it is, at any time, and that is absolutely none of your
business.
If she wants to come back to you, she will. Your efforts will
not make any difference though. There is absolutely nothing
humanly possible that you can do, to influence her decision to
“come back” to you. It is purely and entirely only up to her, and
independently so on her part alone. And you should not try,
because you have no right to.
So, heal. Cry it out. Cry as much as you need to, as bitterly as
you need to, for as long as you need to. Mourn your situation. Busy
yourself with life. Learn to love her without her being present in
your life.
You will be fine.
What happens when you realise that you have fallen
out of love with your partner after being with them for a
long time?
People fall in love. People do not fall out of love. Period.
Perhaps you were never in love with that person to begin with.
Some people mistake infatuation or physical attraction for love.
Well, a lot of people actually.
Perhaps, you have found or figured out that there is a lack of
compatibility. Love does not guarantee a compatibility between

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two people who love each other. And so, this could very much be a
case where you are wrong, in that you are indeed very much still in
love, but you are not feeling it right now, because of the absence of
combability between you and your partner, and the experiences
that that absence is creating for you.
Sometimes when incompatibility becomes apparent, it is best
for two people to part, depending on how adversely that
incompatibility is manifesting itself for either or both of them.
Sometimes, love just keeps two people together, no matter how
painful the consequences of the incompatibility are.
There is no universal solution or answer to the problem of
compatibility being absent despite there being love between two
people. Every person's or couple's situation is just that unique.
If you are however having this feeling of “having fallen out of
love”, then it is time for you to reflect and ask yourself, if indeed
you have been in love with your partner at all from the very
beginning, or if it has been an infatuation, a crush, or a superficial
attraction which you had mistaken for love. Whatever your answer,
you need to, upon finding your answer, talk to your partner openly
and candidly and decide the course of your lives ahead, whether
together or apart.
What you must note, is that having been in a relationship, no
matter how long or short, you are responsible for future outcomes,
that shape the life of your partner ahead. You are responsible for
your partner’s future emotional well-being, morally at least, even if
you decide to end the relationship. The point is, you need to
approach your course of decisions and actions ahead with great
care, because you owe that to your partner.
I got in touch with my first love just a few days ago,
whom I had searched for, for years, but I am married
now. I still love her. What can I do now?

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Be fair to everyone. Your wife. Your kids. Your first love. Her
family. Yourself.
Be fair to everyone. Do nothing. I repeat, do nothing!
Be friends with her, if it is possible. Don't expect or pursue
anything romantic. You need to make a staunch commitment that
that will never happen. There'd be nothing beyond platonic
friendship. You must ensure that. Even so, having your first love
through friendship is better than not having her in your life at all,
or ruining things, because you can't control your feelings.
Wake up each morning, meditate on her, your first love, and
wish her all the happiness in the world. Then move forward with
your day.
In friendship with her, celebrate her happiness. Try to ease her
sorrows.
It will hurt, always. It will hurt much more, if the pursuit of any
other course now becomes a cause for bad memories, regrets, guilt,
or sorrows later, for anyone.
It is because you love her, you must stay committed to your
marriage, and be a good, decent, reliable friend to her, for life. At
the same time, you need to remain a good, decent, and reliable
husband to your wife.
Keep things transparent. Candidly and openly, talk to your
wife, as soon as possible (by which I mean right now), in a private
and conducive setting. Tell her everything. The history. How you
found your so called “first love” again recently. Tell her what has
transpired since and what you are feeling. You have to make a
commitment to her to assure her, that it is not her or the other
woman. You have to assure her that it is her, your wife, even if a
friendship remains between you and your “first love”.
Your first love might turn up for your funeral if you die, and
that definitely will be worth never having hoped to share a kiss
with her or having held her hand.

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Love works in strange ways. Try to keep it beautiful as best as
you can.
My first love and I reconnected after 10 years. Should
I pursue him later in the future?
10 years is a very long time. This human life is very short. For
most people, a decade is well more than 10% of their lives.
If there really is something genuine, a real feeling of love
between the two of you, 10 years has been too long apart,
regardless of why you reconnected after that period and why you
parted in the first place.
If both of you are single now, don't think about the future. Not
even tomorrow. Call him right now. Find out where he is. Go to
him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him everything. No waiting. Just
go do it.
If either of you isn't single, respect that. To even think about
the future with that person, is to grossly wrong and violate at least
someone today, in one way or another. Nobody has the right to do
that. Nobody is right to do that. Not even in love. Yes, somethings
are unfair even in love. Instead, commit to friendship. At least you
will have that, and it will be something of dignity. Don't wait for a
situation to change however. It is hard where it is a matter of the
heart, but would the world have been any more beautiful, had love
been worth any less?
What should one do if they happen to fall in love with
someone who is already in a relationship?
Do not come in the way of any relationship that already exists.
Respect that relationship. Always. Period.
Friendship is the best option, because at least, despite not
having a non-romantic relationship with that person, you get to see
that person, talk to that person, be with that person.

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You also at some point, need to very carefully let the person
know, for transparency’s sake, what you feel, while clearly
acknowledging that person's relationship status, and respect for
that relationship.
Never expect, anticipate, or look forward to that person's
existing relationship to end.
Maintain a friendship, but also maintain a distance.
What is the best way to tell if you are in love with a
woman?
When she is like oxygen to you.
Do this. Try spending a day without messaging, calling, talking
to her. Don't look at her social media profiles, pictures, or anything
to do with her. Just cut off. Take a trip somewhere, where you are
out of her reach. See what happens.
Stretch it for a week. See how it feels.
Does the chest feel heavy and you go breathless, every time she
comes to mind, and no matter what you do, she keeps coming to
mind in every waking moment that you are away from her?
Despite being physically fit and fine, with absolutely nothing
wrong with you medically, do you feel like a fish out of water?
Litmus test though. Anytime or every time, when you think of
her or she comes to mind, are there sexual thoughts or arousal? If
at all, the thought of her, is of physical desires, arousal, sexual in
any way, call it lust, call it physical attraction, crush, infatuation,
anything, just don't say to yourself that you love her. Love and
physical attraction are two different things. Keep them separate. It
is a bonus to find the person you love physically attractive. It
however should not come with the thought of the person, or a
casual interaction with that person.

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So, if it isn't sexual, but the breathing is difficult, there is
heaviness in the chest that does not go away or cannot be
explained, while the doctor says you are completely fine, with no
case of asthma or heart issues, and you cannot stop thinking about
her, congratulations, you are in love.
How can I unlove someone I am deeply in love with
when he seems to have moved on and I am left hurting
and missing him all the time?
You can't unlove or fall out of love with anyone.
Love arbitrarily happens to you. You don't choose to love
someone. When it happens, resistance is not an option. All the
same, when things aren't mutual or when they don't work out for
whatever reason, you don't have the option to “unlove” someone.
I suggest, you talk to him, honestly, face to face, openly about
how you are feeling. If he is willing to listen. The idea is, find out
if he has “moved on” indeed.
If your feelings have ever been mutual, there is no way he
could have “moved on”, because outside of books and movies, and
in cheap self-help theories of charlatan “Gurus”, there is no such
thing as “moving on” from love.
Yet however, even if two people love each other, there is no
guarantee of compatibility, and that is enough a reason for him to
have the free right not to come back to you, as cruel and
devastating as it may sound.
Talk to him anyway. If he is willing to talk. Indeed if there is a
chance of you two getting back together, go for it.
If getting back is not possible for whatever reason, cherish the
beautiful feeling that love is, for him, inside you, beneath the
shoulders and above the belly. Cherish the moments, the
memories, of his presence.

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Learn to share your love in other ways. Go work with the
elderly or the orphans for example. Help those in need cross the
road or carry their groceries in your neighbourhood, on a day-to-
day basis.
Love takes many different forms. Ultimately, it is about giving
joy. So, give happiness. It is the best killer to the pains that come
with heartbreak or separation.
It will never go away. Even after you fall in love a few more
times, and end up in a marriage, with kids, your consciousness will
always, on a routine basis, return to that life once aspired with that
previous person you had fallen in love with. It will always be
painful when that happens, and it will happen. Helping others,
spreading laughter, humour, will make life beautiful for you,
despite those pains. Loving that next person in your life, that you
are with, with all that you are and have to offer, will be a nice layer
of soothing balm over it all.
The guy I love loves someone else and I’m really sad
and envious of her. What do I do to deal with these
feelings?
Love is unconditional.
It is a beautiful phenomenon that happens to you. Be thankful
that it has happened to you.
The person that you love, does not need to feel the same way
about you. If it did not happen to that person, so be it.
Love does not need to translate into a relationship or a
marriage. It is a feeling in you. If it is mutual, and the two of you
become intimate partners, spouses, then great! If it is not mutual
however, then you enjoy the feeling alone, on your own, for there
is nothing stopping you.
Yes, to not be with the person that you love, as much as you
would naturally like to be, to want to be able to give to that person,

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all the happiness you could create and offer, and to protect that
person yourself, from all the grief possible, as best as you can, is
going to be agonising. Extremely agonising. Permanently. Make
that your strength to live and be better than what you were when
you fell in love to begin with.
Look, you are in love with this person. You have courage to
acknowledge that he loves someone else. You know pretty well,
that you will never have this person. Don't expect him to ever love
you or come to you, into your arms. It's not a good idea, for you at
least, if not the both of you. It never can be a good idea at all to
harbour any such expectations.
Try this. Is he willing to include you in his life as a lifelong
friend? That way, things can get a lot less painful. It won't be easy
for you. No way! To be friends with someone whom you'd ideally
want to walk down the aisle with or wake up with every morning
for the rest of your life. It is extremely painful. However, it is far
less painful, than never being around him at all, and perhaps never
again – that is really far worse.
You will not recover or move on from this, if indeed this is true
love, and not some mere infatuation, crush, fantasy, or physical
attraction. Nobody ever falls out of love in real life outside of
fiction and theories. If you love him, you will never be able to let
him go. It is not possible. You are not a character in a movie or in a
book.
If you are lucky, as most people in your situation very often
are, you will someday fall in love again, with someone else, and
that next time, it will be mutual. It won't mean you will fall out of
love with the person you have fallen in love with before, for the
feeling remains with you, as a part of you, within you, for the rest
of your life, but being in love again, with someone else, fills a void
that remains with all of us until we are fulfilled in love – probably
the very reason for which we exist and for which we are born, as
subjective and irrational as that might sound.

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In the meantime, or after, deal with the one-sided love by
simply cherishing the feeling you have for that person. As long as
it does not involve sexual fantasies, there really is nothing wrong
with that. And use that to drive you in doing good for others,
bringing smiles, happiness, and healing for others, including
complete strangers.
Surround yourself with children, flowers, friends. Celebrate
your life, for having had the blessing, to be picked by love, to love
someone.
What is the best way to tell someone you don't love
them?
Look them in the eye, face-to-face, in-person, in a crowded but
neutral, public place.
Don’t run from them. Not ever. Whether you are a man or a
woman, please have that much courage.
Tell that someone just as it is. Don’t explain anything. Just tell
them you don’t love them or that the feeling just simply isn’t
mutual. Loud, clear, firm, but gentle and polite. No vague or
ambiguous words. In as simple, as clear, and as explicit words, as
possible. And at no point do you break eye contact. If the other
person breaks eye contact, you wait for him or her to resume eye
contact with you, and then you start over from where you need to.
It will take patience. You need to have it in these situations, for
very good reasons in your own long-term interests.
Don’t leave them alone after that. Not ever. Don’t run. Don’t
walk away. This is not about being nice or letting someone down
gently. This is about much more, such as perhaps possibly
protecting and preserving a life. Walk them somewhere. Bus stop,
train station, car, whatever. Make sure that the person is okay.
Inform somebody after they leave you. Their family member,
friends, someone. Anyone who is reliable, responsible and that you
can be sure genuinely cares for them. Make sure someone reaches

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them, and talks to them, as soon after you part with them as is
possible.
Before you do all that however, make sure you have done your
own soul searching. If you are in a situation where you have to
respond and you have not thoroughly thought about it yet, take
time to think first, and then meet up to tell them you don’t love
them. No phone. No messenger. No email. Anything you do, do it
only in person. Even if the other person is not asking to meet you,
you ask to meet that person.
Love generally does not always tend to be one-sided, every
time that it seems like it is. There are lots of people who turn down
the love of someone, date dozens of other people over years, get
married to someone eventually, have a few kids, and then after half
a life time, they realise they have always been in love with that
person whom they had rejected decades ago without giving it a
chance or enough thought. Life can be very cruel. It gets much
worse, when we make very bad decisions, especially where those
decisions are life-defining.
So, before you tell someone you don’t love them, take time, as
much as it takes, to do very proper, independent soul searching, on
your own, to determine whether or not you somehow feel
something for that person or not, and if you do, be very sure about
what that feeling is.
Sometimes, giving the wrong answer, when you are uncertain,
or perhaps unclear of your own feelings or mistaken, which is
possible because a human being functions internally in very
complex and complicated ways as smart as we’d like to think of
ourselves to be, means wasting an entire life. Too often, there is no
going back on certain life decisions of such nature.
So be absolutely sure. Meet the person. Say it face-to-face, in
its entirety with full and unbroken eye contact. Why? If you don’t
do it that way, you leave room for doubt, for as long as that person
breathes, and for as long as you breathe, as to whether you really
never did love that person, or, perhaps, if you actually did. You

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leave that doubt for both that person, and for yourself. And that
doubt can possibly haunt you for the rest of your life to very
terrible effects within yourself, for which it would be very difficult
for anyone to help you.
And even if you don’t love that someone, you don’t need to
hurt someone. As it is, failure in love is more painful a human
experience than any other. Buffer it, and earn good karma. So do it
right. Be gentle. You never know if and when you’d need someone
else to be that gentle with you at another point in your life.
There's this girl who has feelings for me and I'd love
to share them but can't. Is there a way to give myself a
push in the right direction?
Put yourself in her shoes.
I want you to imagine something. You are living your life.
Single, unattached, carefree. You are content and happy.
One fine day, you run into someone who is pretty much the
female version of you.
Within 24 hours of meeting her, all you can think about is her.
There is an excitement in you that you have never felt before. You
are obsessed, fixated on her.
Within 36 hours of running into her, knowing her name, you
are on the phone with her, talking for hours. You have never talked
so much with anyone before in your life. Not at one go. Not a
schoolmate. Not a teacher or tutor. Not your parent or anyone
caring for you while you were a child. Not a sibling. No one. And
you are just going on and on with her, and the prospect of hanging
is something you just cannot fathom.
You share everything with her within 4 days of meeting her,
and she with you. It feels like both of you have known each other,
and been in a single running conversation with each other for all of
your lives. Your entire lives. You have only known each other for

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4 days, but it feels like you have been best friends forever, since
birth!
She does not call for a whole day, within the week of you first
meeting her, because she is involved in full day event. You get
withdrawal symptoms. You feel anxious, and even get a panic
attack, just because you are not talking to her. You feel terribly
sick, restless and breathless.
You meet up for coffee right after, and both of you
complement each other perfectly in conversation. You look into
her eyes, and the way she looks at you is like she recognises the
soul in you from another life.
You just blurt out that you are falling for her. She says to you
that she cannot share your feelings, but there is a contradiction in
her voice. It feels like whether she acknowledges or not, even
realises or not, she has already fallen for you. Yet, she gets up,
walks away, without looking back.
She cuts down phone conversations with you, though does
continue to regularly talk to you. She refuses to ever meet you
again person, as if she is avoiding falling in love with you.
And then she gets into a relationship with someone else.
You can't get over the compatibility of thought you have
shared. Your similarities. That unmistakable intuition, that, she
sees you the way you see her, even if she has never realised it.
And you are willing to do anything for her happiness, if only
she'd be yours. But she is getting into a relationship with someone
else, because she imagines her wedding photos will look great with
him, because he looks great, and is from a wealthy, respected
family, and so a good life ahead is a given.
Now, imagining all of that, what do you think, you will
experience, at the centre of your heart? Then, when you have the
answer, you decide, what should your direction be.

24
Ask yourself, can anyone love you more than her?
If you are asking this question, of how you can push yourself in
the right direction, it is far more likely than not, that you have
already decided with absolutely clarity in your heart and mind,
what that direction is. If you have already decided that you’d like
to share her feelings, it is almost probably an absolute given, that
you probably already do, but the thing about human beings, is that
we all experience our feelings, including that of love, differently,
and you see the difference between what she is feeling and what
you are feeling, and unable to reconcile the two experiences, you
are not able to realise, probably, that those same feelings which
you are talking about, are already there in you. They are just
working differently for you, in you, than they are with her. And so
you don’t realise it. Otherwise, nobody would want to share
someone’s feelings towards them, unless those feelings are already
there. We do not choose to feel these things for anyone, but it
seems you have already decided that you want to make that choice.
It isn’t going to happen. You cannot make that choice. You are
imagining it, because love probably has made the decision for you.
You do have those feelings for her. Surely there is a lot more to it
here, than you feeling sympathy for a nice lady who is friend.
If there is deeper phenomenon at play within you, and I am
reading from your question that there most likely is, it is best that
you identify and recognise it before it is too late. And don't mess
up, because there is nothing you will ever regret more, than
missing that one chance, that you have in hand right now. It is a
two street, and the traffic is flowing both ways right now, so
believe me, you are in a great place right now. Don’t lose it. There
is nothing greater in life, than love. Remember that.
Why can't I forget my first love after 10 years?
You can never forget someone you love. First. Second. Third.
Numbers and orders will never matter.
You cannot get over someone you have fallen in love with.
There is no such thing as falling out of love.

25
It is wishful thinking indeed, that if you don't succeed at first
love, you just move on, settle down with someone else, and
nothing of your past bothers you, ever. What a life that must be
like? Right? Real life, just does not work that way.
If you don't succeed in getting and keeping with you, a person
you fall in love with, it becomes a struggle to your day of death, to
keep going, to keep living, without that person.
Nature has designed us as such, that when we fall in love, that
person we fall in love with, becomes our necessity. If it does not
manifest into a relationship, a marriage, you are effectively living
without a necessity. And that void becomes a permanent,
inseparable part of you, from that point on in your life.
Be strong. Talk. Write. Help others in sharing their pains. It
helps you. Talking about it, writing about it, expressing it
creatively, helping other people, giving joy to others, it all helps.
Get busy in life. No matter how busy you get, your first love
will always come to mind, all the time, everywhere. It's OK. It is
fine. Just get busy, with helping people, spreading joy, making
others laugh. Some folks take up comedy. Some paint. Some do
poetry or some even write novels. In fact, it is precisely because
human beings are unable to get over failure in love or one-sided
love that some of the most brilliant poets and novelists in human
history had taken up the pen to begin with. And look at what they
have done. Brilliant, isn’t it? Do we not derive pleasure from what
they have penned? Take inspiration from that.
Do something, that will make others happy. In the joy of
others, we tend to find our own. Some of the world’s most brilliant
minds in human history have sworn by that all their lives. That is
how we can comfort ourselves, distracting ourselves from the pain
of being incomplete - without that beloved.
Spread happiness. And it gets better. It will get better for you.

26
How do I continue being friends with my unrequited
love and make sure that I don't fall for her again? How
do I continue this relationship and ensure that I don't
feel miserable around her? How can I distract myself
from her when she is not around?
You won't fall for her again, ever, simply because you will
never fall out of love with her.
In real life, outside of fiction, philosophy, theory, and charlatan
nonsense, no one ever falls out of love with anyone.
People can fall in love over and over with different people, but
never can they fall out of love.
How to remain friends with her, and whether you can, depends
entirely on her now, not you.
It is hard enough for a man to distract himself from his
beloved, when she is his. It is a lot harder to distract yourself from
the beloved that can never be yours.
Whether or not she maintains a friendship with you, and get
this straight, it is not at all up to you now, and everything is
entirely up to her, just remember one thing always, that absolutely
no one can ever stop you from loving her. Not even you. Not even
she.
Know the difference between loving someone and having
someone share a relationship with you. You don’t share a
relationship with. It does not mean the love evaporates. It is there.
Enjoy it, internally, rather than be agonised by it. Try.
And love is a desire for happiness, of the beloved's, not yours.
It never was about and never will be about you. It is only entirely
about her, always.
The real answer or solution to what you are posing here in your
question is in the following steps:

27
1. Whether or not the two of you remain friends or
in contact, when you wake up each day,
whenever she comes to mind, and she will for the
rest of your life, as will everyone you fall in love
with and get rejected by hereafter, meditate upon
her before you get out of bed to start your day,
and in that meditation, wish her all the happiness
for the day ahead, that you can ever wish or ask
for, for yourself
2. In that meditation, visualise and resonate in the
feeling of projecting your wishes of happiness for
her, towards her, thus “sending her happiness as
energy”, wherever she may be – this helps you,
though it may mean nothing for her, but you need
it
3. Make it a core part of your everyday life to bring
happiness to others that are within your
surroundings or reach, including random
strangers you pass along the street - Make people
laugh, help people in distress, give out candy to
crying toddlers that mothers are struggling to
control, help old people by carrying their
groceries, etc. By giving out happiness, you will
experience a balm like feeling upon your own
broken heart
4. Don't ever expect her to reciprocate your
feelings, or for her to ever “come back” to you –
more likely than not, it will never happen, and the
faster you accept this, and start living it, the far
better it is for you, for her and everyone around
the both of you
5. Be happy for her, in her happiness. When
necessary, where possible, try to support her in
her sorrows, without expectations that that would
lead to a change of perspective or feelings for

28
you in her – please only do things selflessly
without an agenda, for that is what love is
anyway
6. When you do get into a reciprocal relationship
eventually, with someone else, give it your
absolute all, immerse yourself completely, to sort
of create a comfortable bandage over all the
wounds of your past failures in love.
You will live. And I mean not just continue to breathe with a
beating heart. You will live. The pain till death, will be worth it.
Cheers.
I fell in love with my friend, but she doesn't feel the
same way. She wants me in her life but being there as
just her friend hurts too much. I’ve tried distancing
myself, but we both miss each other. What can I do?
She probably loves you too but does not realise it or is in
denial. Someone needs to tell you this, and it is absolutely
pointless to try to tell her. You need this affirmation though to save
you the agony of doubt. Either way though, you must not push it
and you must not ever hope for anything more than friendship to
happen between the two of you. It is more likely than not, that
nothing beyond platonic friendship will ever happen between the
two of you. I cannot iterate and reiterate this enough.
Even if there is a chance, that she realises the is missing you
because she has feelings beyond platonic for you, whatever it is
that is keeping her from acknowledging her feelings now, will
likely serve as insurmountable internal barriers in her mind, to
going beyond platonic friendship with you ever.
Even if, she may possibly change her mind, and there is a
chance of you two coming together in a romantic relationship, a
chance, whether slim or not, is just that and not something anyone
should ever try to wait on. It’s like telling your property agent not
to worry about your finances and that you will definitely buy that

29
mansion because you are going to definitely win big at the casino
sooner or later.
Be glad, that you are lucky, at least she still wants you in her
life. That is very lucky. Most guys in your situation are not
anywhere near as lucky. Most of the time, even when a woman
says she wants you in her life as a friend, chances are, you will
never see her again, and even if you do, she will keep a distance so
obvious, it would feel very embarrassing for you to want to be in
the same room with her.
You are better off, at least having her as a platonic friend in
your life, even if she loves you too, than the hell of never getting to
see her or talk to her again.
So, treasure this. She wants you around. She misses you. Don’t
let her miss you. You love her. It does not have to be a relationship
beyond friendship, whatever the reasons. Cherish the feeling of
love you have for her internally. You don’t have to show it. It does
not have to manifest outside of you. Enjoy the friendship. Stop
distancing yourself from her. You will get used to it. Easier that
way, than trying to stay away.
It will never be easy. Someday, someone else will enter her
life. The jealousies, the agonies, you’d be able to write books on
them. It is all going to still be far better, than not having her in
your life at all. The “fish out of water” feeling, without her
presence, is going to be indescribable and it will not go away for a
very long time. So, don’t subject yourself to that. Make the most of
your good fortune, and keep up that friendship.
I love her and she loves me too, but when I asked her
if she loves me, she denied it and reacted to my text
with a laughing emoji. What should I do? I can’t get over
it.
Acknowledge that you can never get over it and will never get
over it.

30
Acknowledge and accept that you are probably right that she
loves you. However, there is always the possibility that you are in
denial or you are delusional. Unless she has told you expressly that
she loves you, can you ever be sure that she does? I may sound
contradictory, but there must be objectivity to love as well, to a
reasonable degree. You can’t love someone and not be reasonable.
Love and reason must go together. If that is not how it is with you,
then you are threat to others around you.
Accept very humbly and pragmatically that if she denies it,
because assuming that indeed your feeling is right, that she does
love you, there could be any number of reasons, for which she is
entitled deny it, reject you or turn you down. Even if she loves you,
there is no reason why she should have to complete and absolute
independent right to not accept you or to choose not to enter a
relationship with you.
If you can love her, then you must understand that love does
not have to be a two-way street or it does not have to be
reciprocated. Just like she is free not to share your feelings, she
can’t stop you, and certainly no one else can, from loving her. You
can’t help it anyways, so you love her, whether or not she loves
you. Just don’t expect her to reciprocate it. And even if she does,
do not expect her to be in a romantic relationship or any sort of
relationship with you. Just don’t expect her to be yours. Period. If
it’s not going to happen, you cannot and must not try or seek to
make it happen.
Love does not have to end in a relationship. It is best that it
does, especially where and when it is likely mutual, or at least feels
like it is mutual. However, if one is unable to realise, accept or for
whatever reason admit it, you have to live with it, by loving that
person just within your heart.
The first step is to acknowledge and be at peace with that you
will never get over the feelings you have for her. Which is fine.
Love is a beautiful feeling. The most beautiful feeling. Cherish it.
Too bad for her if she does not feel it for you. You enjoy the
immersion of yourself into that feeling for her.

31
Yes, where something you cannot define is telling you enough
for you to be certain, that it is mutual, but for some reason she
won’t admit it, you’d want her to, or at least you’d want to hear
from her, her honest reasons. Read history, and you will
understand, that the human story is one which never has been fair,
so don’t expect life to be fair with you. You will only hurt yourself
much more. Let is pass. Period.
Be happy, that you have been blessed by life with this
wonderful experience. Your heart is a shrine to your beloved.
Worship her. Don’t bother her.
Wake up each day, meditate upon her, wish her well, and busy
yourself with a purpose in life that is bigger than yourself.
Love is about giving happiness and joy. If you can’t give her
the joy you want to give her, spread smiles and laughter to others
you encounter wherever you go.
You will be fine.
How do I tell her I fell in love with her without going
overboard?
Just look her in the eyes, be yourself, unrehearsed, and tell her
you love her. Just the 3 words: I love you.
If it isn't mutual, offer to drop her home or walk her to the
station or something, and tell her you hope to see her again,
without showing any disappointment.
If it is mutual, hug her, gently.
Why should you tell someone you love them as soon
as possible?
You don't control time and the trajectory it takes.

32
You don't want to be 25 minutes too late.
Nothing happens in a silo. Decisions are dynamic and non-
linear in real life.
You don't know what feelings might develop in the beloved
when and how. You don't who else has an eye on the beloved.
Professing love does not guarantee reciprocation or a
relationship. It means nothing left unsaid and no regrets.
Love is not something to which you want to leave a question
lingering as to what could have been. Better a quick immediate
rejection. And if it is mutual and meant to be, you don't want to
lose a moment for nothing, because you exist for moments of love.
And if it is indeed meant to be, you really don’t want to waste
it by missing it, by being a second too late. So go for it!
Is it possible for an unrequited love to ever love you
back?
One has to be very careful with answering this.
Yes. It can happen. There are no rules to how love happens or
works. Someone you love today, may reject you or feel nothing for
you today. And then decades later, either because of a memory of
you, or because of new unforeseen circumstances or dynamics of
life, that same person might very much fall in love with you. It can
happen. This needs to be taken with great caution though, and it
must not be allowed to become fuel for blind or foolish optimism:
1. It can and may also never happen – in fact, it is
more likely than not, that it will not happen
2. Even if it does happen, it can only happen
completely by chance, not anything that you
intend, plan, or do. You cannot make love

33
happen. Nobody can. If it is to happen, it will, if
it won't, it won't
3. One should never expect it or wait for it to
happen. It just amplifies and exponentially
multiplies the pain, that waiting process of the
unrequited love “coming back”
No one can fall out of love or “move on” from it. If it is
one sided however, accept it, move forward and steel yourself
to live with it, while you live out the rest of your life without
the beloved.
It is one of the toughest feats for human beings. To deal
with the heartbreak of failure or rejection in love. It is beyond
any description possible. The agony is just something no one
should have to be subjected to. And that makes the idea that
things will be OK because someday the person will share your
feelings so attractive. It is too tempting to resist easily, and
that lead to extreme consequences.
How long should one subject himself or herself to wait for
someone? The wait can be for decades or lifelong. Never
mind the time. The daily pain for the duration of that waiting
period is just unreasonable upon the self. And even after all
that, the likelihood is pretty low.
Don't ask such questions, and don't be tempted by the
obvious “yes” answer that holds a very high propensity to
blind.
Deal with the heartbreak as it should be dealt with without
denial. Seek proper solace on the shoulders of loved ones.
May you be well.
How do I deal with the fact that the person that I
love so much does not care about my feelings?

34
You don't. You don't deal with what your beloved feels or
does not feel. It is none of your business. And you do not
have a right over what anyone does not feel, even if you love
that person.
You only deal with what you feel for the beloved.
The beloved not reciprocating your feelings is completely
fine. If you cannot accept that, you are not fine. Yes, taking
rejection is a lot easier to talk about, than having to live
through. Even so, there are no two ways about it. Your love is
not reciprocated, you have to acknowledge it, accept it and
live with it. Period.
Nothing stops or impedes your love. Not even your
beloved. Not even you yourself, no matter what you try.
So here is what you do. You cherish the love that you feel.
Learn to love the beloved who does not share your feelings,
without the beloved being in your life. Love from a distance.
Enjoy doing so. Learn to channel that love in such a positive
and constructive way, that the happiness which you have to
offer, which your beloved misses out on, does not go to waste,
because others benefit from that happiness, channelled by
you, towards a meaningful cause or purpose on a daily basis.
Congratulations that you have loved! You will be fine.
Is it possible to fall in love with someone in just
one day?
Love happens in a second, at first sight, without even knowing
the name or anything about the person you fall in love with. And it
turns out truer and deeper than a much thought out, planned out
relationship that is years in the making. So, yes. It is possible.

35
I am falling in love with one of my closest friends.
She is 32 and I am 21. I totally see a future with her and
was thinking of asking her out. What should I do?
Firstly, congratulations on falling in love.
There never is a straightforward answer to questions like this,
because there are a lot of variables.
First question: Is she married? She being 32, in the present day
and age, it makes sense to assume that chances are, she isn't single.
If she is married, respect the sanctity of her marriage, and keep a
distance. If she is in any kind of committed romantic relationship,
you need to respect it.
Second question: How do you know her? If she is your teacher
or a supervisor, fair enough to assume as possibilities given the age
difference. In such cases, it may not be appropriate for you to ask
her out. Yes, personal life should always take precedence over all
things professional, but, the nature of your current relationship
may render romance at this point wholly objectionable morally at
least. Note that even as I say this, because life is non-linear and can
take all sorts of turns.
Now, if it’s just her being 32, and being 21, it does not really
matter at all. Let me be clear on this. If it is just about dates of birth
and numbers, it really does not matter in romance, love and
relationships. You fall love with anyone, anytime, anyplace, any
circumstance. Love happens to you. You don't choose to love, and
you don't choose who to love. Demographics are superficial and
unimportant really.
If the boundaries are clear, where she is single, and so are you,
and there is no conflict of interest, morally, then waste no time, go
tell her what you feel.
That is how we get to the main part of your question: How?

36
1. Ask her out to a casual, non-romantic, crowded
F&B place, which is not a bar or a place you go
to for alcohol in general
2. Meet for hot drinks or a snack, to keep things
informal
3. Look her in the eyes, seriously, solemnly - no
kidding/joking or fooling around
4. Tell her straight in the precise three words as
follows: I love you
No beating around the bush. No games. Just tell her as it is.
If she does not reciprocate, let her go. Just let her go.
If she does, and for your sakes I hope that she does,
congratulations in advance.
I fell in love with my bestie. I have let her know some
months back, but she rejected me. Our friendship
relationship keeps advancing on a daily basis, and I am
falling more in loves with her. What should I do?
Cherish the friendship.
Don't hope for it to change. Brace your heart that she will
someday be in relationships with others, some of whom may
terribly break her heart, and yet someday, she will marry someone
who won't be you. Expect things to stay that way. Be grateful, that
you will at least have a friendship with her.
That means, you will be able to see her, call her, message her.
You will be able to hear her voice.
Imagine the alternative however. You truly, deeply,
unconditionally love her, and you never get to see her, hear her
voice, let alone talk to her, ever again. That you are completely out
of her life and she is out of yours. Forever. Let that sink in.

37
Forever. That would be far more devastating, than being her friend,
when dates someone else, becomes a part of a romantic
relationship with someone else, gets hurt by someone else, or gets
fulfilled in a healthy relationship and finds joy in marriage with
someone else. At least with the friendship, in her highs and in her
lows, you will have that chance to be in her story. Without that
friendship, you will have nothing. That void will really hurt much
more.
Love is spiritual. It is a sort of worship and meditation. You
don't want to be denied the object, the sacred grail, the church, or
temple of it - her. Even if just as friends, you'd be near, close,
around her.
So, what should you do? Keep going with that friendship as you
were before. With or without her in your life from this point
forward you are going to keep falling in love with her, more and
more with each passing day, either way. You may as well fall in
love with her increasingly, while you can at least interact with her.
You should be grateful, that she rejected you in love but did not
cut that friendship. You don’t want to imagine how difficult that
would have been for you. So, make the most of your good fortune,
that the friendship you have with her remains intact.
You will get used to it. And you will be fine.
I’m in love with my best friend. I have fallen in love
before, before it has never been reciprocated. Yet, I’ve
never felt what I feel now, with anyone else before this.
She is the only person I want to see every day for the
rest of my life. Should I distance myself from her, or
should I confess to her what I feel?
Confess. Better be heartbroken by a rejection, than by the
regret, that you never let the beloved know.
In rejection, you have a trigger to cry and lessen the pain. In
perpetual restraint, and suppression, the suffocation would

38
probably be a whole other level of hell. You don’t want to imagine
it, living in a permanent doubt.
Look your best friend in the eye, face-to-face, somewhere
where it is very public, crowded somewhat, and say it in just three
simple words: I love you.
If it isn't mutual, show no disappointment, but cry out later, on
the shoulder of a parent, a sibling, a cousin, another friend, etc. Do
your best to maintain the friendship. If it’s not possible, take up
meditation, to wish that person well every time you wake up and
think of her after the friendship has ended - no it takes does not
make things less painful, but it is a rather up there option for
dealing with the pain - experience yourself channelling the
happiness her every morning, from your very core, that you would
have wanted to give to her, in-person, in a relationship, in
friendship at least.
If it is mutual, great! If it isn’t, it will not remain burden upon
you.
Don't hold back though. You wouldn't want to find out the pain
of that sort of regret.
It is difficult for anyone to take a step in love, if one has faced
rejection and failure previously. And saying it is a lot easier than
having lived it. Still, every person you fall in love with, becomes a
part of you forever, in a unique way.
No two love stories, even one-sided or failed or unrequited
ones, are the same. You can fall in love a dozen times, and every
single time, as you are feeling now, it will feel like what you have
never felt before towards anyone.
And no matter how many times you fall in love, it never gets
easier, to have to live without letting the beloved know, as much as
it gets more frightening after each rejection.

39
It is easier to live with a rejection though, than to live with
never knowing what could have been, as attractive as the latter
option might sound in the present moment.
So, go! Go tell her!
Who is "the one" and how do I find him?
You don’t find him. And he does not find you.
“The one” is just the person life will conspire to bring you
together with in one way or the other, when you are not expecting
it, though it will look like you two would have randomly found
each other. And right there, you will know you are in love. You
will just know it. No reasoning. No rationale. No conditions. No
explanations.
Or, it could just be someone you perhaps may already know,
and have known for a very long time. And you have never thought
of that person romantically. And then one day you realise you can’t
live without him.
There are no finite possibilities as to how you could fall in
love, how you could find the love of your life and how you realise
it. There are no finite possibilities as to who it could be.
There are no rules to love. Let it happen, when it happens.
When it happens, you will know.
Don’t try to make things happen when it comes to love, don’t
try imagine “the one” or plan what “the one” should be like,
because that is not how it works.
What can I say to the person who led me on for
months and I fell in love with?
You don’t fall in love with anyone, because someone leads you
on. If you feel that you have been led on, and now you feel

40
something for that person, because of that, then it is likely not love
that you are feeling. You are just mistaking it for love. Rather than
thinking of what to say to that person, you need to sort yourself
out.
You need to figure out what you are thinking and feeling. And
you need to figure out the difference between love and infatuation
or simple attraction.
He used to tell me that he likes me. I fell in love with
him and pursued him. He rejected me. I was sick of the
whole process that he put me through and when I finally
moved on, he came back telling me he loves me. Should
I be with him or not?
Yes.
Don't play games with love. You will regret it.
You love him. Now he is willing to be with you. Don't ever
make the mistake of letting it go.
The fact that this is even a question for someone, means that
that person has no idea what it is like to live without the person he
or she loves.
Understand something here. Living without the person whom
you are in love with, is like being a fish out of water. Think about
it for a while. What kind of a struggle must that be? So, if there is
any chance in life to avoid that situation, whatever the cost, take
that chance, for there is no other sensible option.
That much said however, you need trust and clarity, to initiate,
build and maintain any relationship.

41
Before you commit yourself to anything with him, despite what
I just said about not wasting a chance to be with him, you need to
have a good heart-to-heart chat with him. He need answers from
him, about his reasons for his behaviour from the very start. Why
did he tell you that he likes you, and then reject you when you
professed your love for him? Why is he telling you that he loves
you now?
First, find out and understand his reasons. Can you trust him.
Are his feelings for you genuine? No matter how much you love
him, you should be with him, if he isn’t being truthful, transparent,
and genuine.
Abstinence is a great precaution for anyone. In a case such as
the one you present here, it is especially a great idea, to be upfront
with him, to set a condition of abstinence till marriage. It might
just save you from a terrible hell of betrayal and heartbreak. The
sequence of events to present good grounds for suspicion and to set
conditions to establish trust.
Why do I still love him when he never has or never
will love me?
Love does not happen with the condition that it will be
reciprocated.
Love always happens for another person. It is always about you
though. It is felt beneath your shoulders and above your belly, deep
beneath the skin of yours. Not the other person.
If it is mutual, really, there is nothing more beautiful to the
human experience. If it isn't, you always have the opportunity to
cherish that feeling which you experience within yourself.
You don't have the right to expect anyone to love you. No one
has the right to stop you from loving anyone. Even the person you
love, can't stop you from loving him/her.

42
You fall in love. You don't fall out of love. Once love happens,
it's for life. Even if you fall in love again, you cannot stop loving
the person you have fallen in love with before.
It is OK. Use it. Use the love you feel, to do good in this world.
Let it empower and drive you, to spread joy and happiness, to
make up for the happiness you could not give to that person you
love, because he does not love you the same way. Make this whole
world your beloved, to make up for the one-sided love affair you
have had to experience at life’s hands. You will find contentment
and joy in that, because it is its own heaven.
Do looks make guys fall in love or is it personality
that does that?
You can get physically attracted to appearance.
It can be innocently non-sexual, non-arousing, but either way,
it is physical attraction only, and in no way does such an attraction
amount to or equate to being in love. This applies to both men and
women.
Love on the other hand, is never about the appearance. If the
person you fall in love with is good looking or physically very
attractive, then well, it is a bonus. It cannot be a driver, trigger or a
cause of you falling in love with that person, because that just isn't
what love is.
The interesting thing is, when you love someone, no matter
how physically attractive or good looking that person is, unlike in
the movies or in the novels, it never is what you see that person as,
or never is what comes to mind when you remember that person,
think of that person, look at that person and so on. There is nothing
sexual in your thoughts about that person or in your general
interactions with that person.
Physical or sexual intimacy is part and parcel of relationships,
but that comes after a big threshold. You fall in love first, then you

43
get into a relationship. And then happens the physical or sexual
intimacy, where the relationships are founded on love rather than
superficial physical attraction. However, when you truly love
someone, and until it comes to it, in a committed relationship, the
interesting phenomenon is, that the physical beauty of your
beloved, even if she is the most beautiful woman on earth, it just is
not what crosses your mind or matters. It is all and only about that
person, beneath the skin's surface.
Am I friend-zoned for life if he says he loves me like a
sister? Is there any way to get out of this zone?
No. I am sorry, but no guy would tell you what he did, if it
were indeed any other way. And what he told you, that he loves
you like a sister, is really for life. I’d be worried for you really, if
he is the sort where possibly he might change that stance.
There really are no two ways about it.
It is tragic enough not to ever have a chance to be with
someone you love. When one sees you as a sibling, that really
takes the cake. For if being friend zoned by him is a concern for
you, it is possible that you have feelings for him and they are never
going to go away, for life. You cannot move on from such things.
And add to that, he sees you as a sibling, that is putting to rest any
hope of you ever getting out of that friend zone.
You have to live with it.
Keep a distance from him for a while if you have developed
feelings for him which he is not yet aware of, because if there is a
slip somewhere and he realises what you are feeling for him, it is
going to be very awkward for the both of you. And I mean
extremely awkward. And it will be very uncomfortable for him
given what he has said to you. And it will become very difficult for
you to maintain a friendship there has been prior between the two
of you.

44
When you are ready to see someone else, you don't have to
keep a distance from him anymore. You will be able to handle
things fine at that point.
What is the difference between being in love and just
liking someone?
We like lots of people, and for lots of reasons. We don’t love
all of them.
Love happens to us involuntarily at random, towards a unique
person, for no reason that we may possibly ever comprehend. And
it is a rare occasion when it does happen. You don’t fall in love
with even a tiny percent of all the people you like around you.
You may like ice-cream, but you can live without it. Same with
everyone you like. With the ones that you love however, you are a
fish out of water without them, except that you don't get to die
right away. When you get that fish out of water feeling when that
person says bye on the phone after promising to meet you
tomorrow, just know that you don't like that person, you need that
person, because you are in love.
How do you know if a non-romantic person loves
you?
No matter how unromantic or non-romantic a person, there are
always tell-tale signs when that person loves you, if you just take
notice.
No matter what the behavioural type, if the person shows more
care for you, than himself or herself, spends more time with you
than anyone else, does not say no to you, whatever it is that you
ask, and makes great sacrifices, selflessly, that is half way there.
When that person's whole life revolves around you, where he
or she is always beside you at every gathering, party, whatnot, its
three quarters there.

45
It is 100% there when on top of all that, he or she forgets his or
her own sorrows and finds joy in your joy, and forgets his or her
happiness, and he feels your sorrow, your grief, in your bad times,
oh believe it, that very unromantic person is in love with you.
I like this guy and I really think he is my soulmate,
but I'm not sure if he thinks I'm his. How can I tell if he
feels the same way?
Ask him. Ask to meet him. Tell him what you feel, in person,
face-to-face, and then ask him what he feels. There is no other
way.
Look him in the eye. Tell him about your feelings first.
Without breaking eye contact, ask him about his. All the best.
I had a really bad heartbreak and ever since, I am
afraid of the pain of dating anyone. I don't even try. And
even when I try, I feel great fear. What can I do?
Take your time.
You don't have to date anyone for now. You don't have to be
alone either.
Spend time with family - parents, siblings, cousins, etc.
Spend time with your best friends. Reconnect with old friends.
Get busy. Do things to occupy yourself, which may put smiles
on the faces of others. Deal with your pain by bringing joy to
others.
Don't worry about dating or seeing someone. When you are
ready, it will just happen, and you won't feel scared. It will be just
right.
If you are feeling afraid now, then just avoid dating. There is
absolutely no harm in not dating. There is no harm in being single.

46
It is perfectly fine. Don’t push yourself. Don’t try to “get over” this
fear. Perhaps, you are afraid for good reasons in your own long-
term interests. So let it be. This fear of yours will go away on its
own when it needs to go away, without you doing anything. You
will be fine.
Is it possible to die of a heartbreak?
Yes. Short answer.
Failure in love or relationships, or loss of someone you love,
for any reason, is probably one of the worst things that can happen
in the human experience - if one has truly loved that someone, to
whom the heartbreak is attributable.
The best-case scenario, the least to expect, is probably mild
clinical depression. It is a given. Whether it gets diagnosed or not,
whether the heartbroken person has a personal support system to
have to need professional help or not, it is the least that should be
expected. There is a reason, and a strong one, why the term
“heartbreak” has been coined universally a very long time ago,
across cultures, in most major languages around the world.
Anyone who feels or believes that they are heartbroken for any
reason, should drop all ego, self-denial or self-flattery that they can
deal with it, and they need to take a few steps:
1. Stop being alone
2. Quickly start talking to the dearest ones in their lives
(parents, siblings, best friends, etc)
3. Not avoid professional help if, when and where necessary,
whatever the stigmas that persist in the various parts of the world
even today, about seeing counsellors, psychotherapists,
psychiatrists, etc
The worst-case scenario is possibly suicidal tendencies, or
manifestations (in various ways) of psychological issues
translating into physical effects upon health that lead to death due

47
to physical sicknesses thereof. Yet another possibility, is that of
unintended, unconscious self-harm via consuming to much
alcohol, overeating, not eating, reckless behaviours leading to fatal
accidents. People who are heartbroken but not necessarily suicidal
or consciously self-destructive, are a lot more prone to accidents or
accidental death, because they are not in the frame of mind to be
adequately attentive or “careful”. In any of these worst-case
situations, or routes, we have an end result of possible death. So
yes, heartbreak can lead to death as its by-product.
When the heart is “broken”, you need to fix it. It doesn’t fix
itself. It is a long and hard battle. Before you die, even if you live
another 100 years, your heart will never be the same again. You
will never recover from a heartbreak. You need to however, do the
patchwork, and you need to engage in the “pain management”, to
live with it, to continue living and to make something of your life,
whatever it is that has transpired to cause you that heartbreak.
Does crying ease heartbreak or worsen it?
It is necessary. It is not something that should be held in or
held back. More important is talking about it off course, but crying
is absolutely necessary.
Is it possible for someone to say that you’re the love
of their life, the one and the all, and then when you hit a
rough patch, they say they don’t love you anymore, and
if so, would they ever go back and feel those feelings
towards you again?
1. Yes, it is possible for a number of reasons why
someone would falsely profess love to you, only
for it to unravel and come apart when the going
gets tough
2. Would or should you ever trust such a person, or
accept such a person back, when that person
decides to come back to you?

48
Maybe you ought to forgive a person for being a liar. Should
you trust such a person with your heart and life ever again? It is a
bad idea to do so.
It is understandable that when you yourself have been genuine
and true, in your love, towards that person, you’d want to forgive
that person, and that you’d want a relationship to resume. It is a lot
easier to want that. It is also a vulnerability, to more hurt, which
would likely be far worse, ahead.
Be thankful for what you have had up until that “rough patch.”
Then, let it go. There is no moving on. However, you can live
without person who likely has never been truthful with you to
begin with.
Off course, maybe that person has made an error of judgement
in the moment. It is up to you to assess and decide what it is really.
People don’t fall in love and fall out of love and then fall back into
it. So, you need to be very careful with your decisions, if they are
about involving that person in your life again.
My cousin had a series of dreams about me having a
boyfriend. What does that mean?
It means nothing. Stay away from such nonsense. Believing in
such nonsense leaves your mind vulnerable and heart unguarded
against mistakes when you meet actual people in real life, where
you start making of situations what really just isn’t true. Believing
in such nonsense means rushing into supposed love stories and
relationships, that perhaps otherwise, where you are thinking with
a sound mind, would never take place, because in your interests
they never should.
Be careful, about what you choose to believe. At the very least,
do no believe in the nonsense of dreams.

49
Do we need reasons to love someone?
No. It happens, it happens. There is no logic as to why. So, no
reasons. That is why love is considered something that is
unconditional.
If you need a reason, it isn’t love.
Is it possible to love someone when you know they
are not good looking?
Yes. There are no conditions in love. If someone had to be
good looking for someone to love them, it would only be the ultra-
wealthy with the most talented cosmetic surgeons or pageant-
worthy people in this world who’d ever find love. That is not how
it works.
If you end up loving someone who is good looking, it is a
bonus. If you love someone because that person is good looking,
you really need to rethink that. You love the person, or the good
looks? They are two different things.
The difference between love and superficial attraction, is that
the appearance does not matter. And so, this question, should not
even really be one for anyone to ask really.
I am very pretty, but the one that I love does not
reciprocate my feelings. Why?
You can admire external beauty. At best, you can attract
someone with it. You cannot gain love with it.
Kudos to you, with regards to your self-confidence and
boldness in claiming that you are pretty and letting yourself believe

50
that you are. And I am sure you are, so congratulations on that
arbitrary gift from life as well.
If being pretty was what it took to be loved or even if it
mattered at all however, the only persons on earth who'd be getting
any love in the civilised world today would have been the Miss
Universe and Miss World pageant winners.
When you are in love with someone, no matter how good
looking that person is, it doesn't matter. And if the person is not, it
doesn't matter.
Love just isn't about what the naked eyes can see. It is about all
things much deeper and invisible.
Now, why someone that you loved, did not reciprocate your
feelings? There really is no answer. You are lucky though. That
person did not take advantage of your feelings, because in
situations like these, good looks can also be a bane. He did not
have those sorts of feelings, and he was honest about them. Both
with himself and with you. You have to respect that and it is quite
understandable what you must see in him.
Love is a phenomenon beyond us and science. It happens to us
at random without any condition, including that it has to be mutual.
You love the person. That is what matters. If you can't have that
person, learn to love and live without that person being a part of
your life.
Harsh. Difficult. Cruel. But hey, better to have that feeling than
to not have it. Cherish the person from a distance.
The biggest achievement in life is not the accumulation of great
fame, wealth or accolades. The greatest achievement, is
experiencing true love that is one-sided, and being able to continue
living, without the person for whom you feel it being a part of your
life. There is nothing harder than to do that, and therefore nothing
more glorious. Take the challenge. Go for it.

51
What is the best thing to know about love as a young
adult?
It is not about anything that is superficial or what you can
describe about a person that others in general can see or observe.
It is not about appearance, physical attributes, looks, features,
hair colour, dress sense, taste in fashion, make-up, style, outward
personality and so on.
It is not about physical or sexual attraction.
You wanting to kiss someone is not the same as you being in
love with that someone.
Love, is much greater, much deeper, too intense to be about
physical attraction or desires or feelings.
It is very easy to mistake infatuation or physical attraction for
love at that age. And that leads to huge mistakes.
When someone tells you they love you, and there is something
about them that just keeps you wanting to talk to them, and keeps
them on your mind, don’t rush to reject them, because you don’t
find them attractive or fitting the image of the dream girl or prince
charming in your mind. You might just regret it.
Infatuations and imagination come to an end. Love doesn’t.
I know of lots of people, who as teens and young adults, turned
away people, or broke off contact, upon being told, that those
people were in love with them. They dated others whom they
thought they found attractive. In the end, decades later, married
with kids, even to this day, they look back with regrets, about those
that they turned away, and these were never the people to look
back over their shoulders or to regret anything.
Never judge a book by the cover. Trust your inner voice
towards someone, no matter how unattractive, or unfitting they
appear to your eyes on the surface.

52
At the same time, be very careful. Just as you don’t rush to
reject someone, do not rush into the arms of someone. Take your
time to understand the motivations of the other person, even if you
are experiencing strong feelings. It goes without saying, that at the
same time assess your own feelings.
The key questions you must answer for yourself:
1. Are you feeling a superficial attraction or is it love?
2. Is the other person in love with you, or attracted to you
superficially?
Why did I lose interest in a guy I thought I was in love
with the moment I realized he liked me back?
You mixed up infatuation with love. You were infatuated. You
mistakenly believed it to be love.
When it became seemingly mutual, the prospect of romance and
relationship probably dawned upon your subconscious mind, and
the difference became apparent to you unconsciously. It’s like a
defence mechanism built into the depths of your mind which is
keeping you from a relationship you should not be in.
To be fair to yourself (and to be sure as well) and to the guy, do
have an open, honest, exhaustive conversation about what you
experienced and felt, and are feeling, face-to-face, in person, in
public, with the guys in question, before attempting to move on.
Of course, I am human and I cannot be absolutely right about
everything all the time, and I don’t know your whole story and
situation. For in case that there is indeed something more that you
are not aware of yet, the devastation later would be immeasurable.
And for the guy, if he is in love, perhaps you might just have
led him on, or you may very much be the cause knowingly or
unknowingly, of a heartbreak for him. Ethically, you owe him that
much, that you look him in the eye, and tell him how it is. At the

53
same time, also hear him. Hear everything. It is as much about
him, as it is about you, and it is as much on you, as it is on him.
No, you don’t owe him your life. You do owe him an opportunity
to speak his heart out to you.
Is it possible for two friends to fall in love but stay
just friends forever?
Yes. There are no finite possibilities of reasons as to why things
could happen that way.
It is not necessary at all, that love leads to actual manifest
romance, intimacy, relationship, or marriage. Love is greater and
beyond all of that, as something unconditional and spiritual.
What is important, is that when you love someone, you let that
person know, sooner rather than later, without regard for whether it
is mutual or not, reciprocal, or not.
The only important thing about falling in love, is that if you can,
then at least once in your life, you tell that person you are feeling it
for.
Love and relationship, are two different things. There are
loveless marriages. And then there is that love, pure and absolute,
that for one of any number of possible reasons, just never crosses
that threshold of platonic friendship. Perhaps, it is not possible for
two people cross that threshold, for whatever reason. Better a
platonic friendship, than no relationship at all. At least two friends
can see each other, share, and partake in each other’s joys and
sorrows. Where there isn’t even that, it is very cruel and bitter
heartbreak.
How do I not fall in love with a stranger?
There is a problem here.
Does anyone ever fall in love intentionally?

54
In just about every major language, the concept of finding one's
self in love with someone else is expressed in words that translate
as: falling in love. This has been so for thousands of years across
geographies and cultures. It is not without reason.
You don't fall in love intentionally. Nobody wants to fall, and
certainly not in love. Yet, people do all the time. It is not
something deliberate or conscious. It just happens, as do all
accidents.
It can happen to anyone, anytime, at any place, in any situation.
You cannot consciously avoid it. When it is going to happen, you
are not going to know it, and there is no way for you to be prepared
for it.
You board a bus, and you see someone randomly sitting at the
back, and instantly, in a glimpse, you may be in love with that
person, even without knowing who it is, or even the name of the
person, as unbelievable as that might sound. Far stranger things
have happened in the real world, than any cheesy screenwriter can
concoct, that have led to marriages and families, when it comes to
love, or, love at first sight.
So how do you not fall in love with a stranger? Go spend the
rest of your life as a hermit in a cave. That just might work.
Can you fall in love with someone without seeing
them?
Well, if you are blind, you can’t see them, but you can fall in
love with them. Love is never about appearance. Can you fall in
love with someone without meeting them. It can start, in part. You
can fall in love with someone’s thoughts or way of thinking, as a
projection of that person.
To fully and truly be able to fall in love though, to meet the
person, in person, is absolutely essential.

55
If you tell me however, that you love someone, whom you have
never been in the same geographical space with at the same time, I
cannot believe you because you are probably wrong.
Falling in love with someone is about falling for the whole
person. It cannot be for that person’s projection. So, being in love
with someone you only know through the Virtual World or internet
chatrooms or emails or letters, is not really possible in actual
reality. You can be under the impression or misconception that you
are in love. It is not the same as actually being in love.

Matters of the Heart.pdf

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