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Suzanne perry11 22-10

Suzanne Perry was victimized by her husband for over 20 years. Today she speaks to educate the public about the profiles of abusers and abused, and encourages victims to gain the courage to get out. First of several in a series.

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Suzanne perry11 22-10

  1. 1. Suzanne Perry Victim to Victor: Life before, during and after Domestic Violence.
  2. 2. DISCLAIMER Suzanne Perry is not licensed, certified or endorsed by any government, education, social work or medical agency. This presentation is for the sole purpose of sharing her story in hopes of helping someone realize and escape an abusive relationship before it’s too late. This is the first of several segments.
  3. 3. My Dad worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs to keep food on the table and clothes on our back. Mom stayed at home and was creative, empathetic, and nurturing. Not until I was a teen did she take on a part-time job. We were very close. I have one sister, Cece who is 5 years older than me. As a child, I was often picked on because of my complexion and dark curly hair. I came home crying countless times because people called me the ‘n’ word. I was a friendly, outgoing person who didn’t fit in with the popular cliques, and had 1-2 best friends that rotated over the years. As a teen, people thought I was threatening or trouble because of my muscular build. In school, I was an A student who usually made silly comments to get a smile. I was usually happy. A little history… I grew up in a suburb of Buffalo, NY called West Seneca in a middle-class neighborhood.
  4. 4. My Dad My Mom My Sister
  5. 5. Mom and Me Unc n Benji Gramma & Dad y sister n me Me and Dawn
  6. 6. My sister and me
  7. 7. I could entertain myself all afternoon with an egg-beater. “Unc” I TOLD you I was born with muscles! I was a content, happy kid.
  8. 8. 1st day of Kindergarten 1st Communion Sue and me Candi and Benji Dawn and me
  9. 9. At 17, I met someone I thought I loved. His charm was soon replaced by ugly Jealousy and Control. I believed him when he said the first slap was ‘an accident.’
  10. 10. My last day of high school in January, 1986
  11. 11. Define it. • Domestic violence occurs when one intimate partner uses physical violence, coercion, threats, intimidation, isolation, and/or emotional, sexual or economic abuse to maintain power and control over the other. • Verbal and emotional abuse, such as continuous degrading, belittling, or fault-finding behavior, although more subtle than physical harm, is no less destructive to victims.
  12. 12. Subtle control… I didn’t go to my graduation because my school “sucked,” yet he went to his graduation and had a grad party, and of course I needed to be there. After this party, I was beat up and called a whore because somebody recognized me from high school. (jealousy)
  13. 13. Warning sign! • Does your partner accuse you of flirting or cheating? • Are you afraid to disagree with your partner because of his/her temper? • Do you make excuses to yourself or to others for your partner's behavior? • Has your partner manipulated you with "head games?" My story: To avoid being accused of ‘looking at someone,’ eventually I would just stare at the ground. Even riding in his sports car, he’d say, “are you lookin at someone?” Do you want to @!#$%^ him? I couldn’t look anywhere that people were, or he’d accuse me of checking someone out.
  14. 14. Good-bye friends, Good-bye society, Good-bye me. at 1 ½ years of dating Fat lip from being punched in the mouth Scratch from face-grab Jaw, chin bruised, swollen I was ‘trained’ to believe we were soul mates, and the gradual isolation was well underway. Reduced self-esteem. At 19 years old.
  15. 15. Warning sign! My story: After whacking my shin so hard with a ½” glass mug that it broke and carved my shin thru to the bone.. Requiring stitches inside and out. I told my parents we were wrestling and I fell on the glass. The next day I got this card with a bouquet of roses. Do you make excuses to yourself or to others for your partner's behavior?
  16. 16. Expecting at 20 Welcome Baby Josh! My sister
  17. 17. My Dad (Not happy)
  18. 18. 6 months later, I left. 6 months after that, I came back… WHY? Loneliness, not having anyone to talk about it with due to shame wanting to believe the controlling would stop…was told if it happened again he’d let me leave. **Abusers know how to push our buttons and say everything we want to hear.**
  19. 19. Almost a year later, Jackie came along
  20. 20. They had each other…
  21. 21. My Dad Child BD party out with my parents… he wouldn’t go. I was pre-occupied worrying about the interrogation when I got home
  22. 22. Why stay ? • Hope of change. Many abusers are remorseful after abusing the victim. • They promise never to hit again, agree to seek counseling if the victim promises not to leave, blame stress, and demonstrate his/her love for the victim in meaningful ways. • Since victims have often built their lives around the relationship, they hope for change. When the abuser acknowledges the error of his/her ways, when s/he breaks down and cries and concedes the need for dramatic change, hope is often born anew for the victim.
  23. 23. Warning! • Does your partner grab, pull, or push you and/or hit in places where the bruises won't show? • Does your partner threaten to harm or kill you, your child, your pet, or your family? • Does your partner force you to have sex or do sexual things that make you feel uncomfortable? • Does your partner make it difficult or impossible for you to go to work or school?
  24. 24. Myths Staying is not helping the kids or the family. It’s enabling him/her. Every holiday, kid birthday warranted a fight. I couldn’t please him, couldn’t run fast enough, didn’t answer him in the right tone of voice, or was wrong predicting what he wanted. The kids and I ran around like slaves carrying out his orders, being torn apart if we did something out of order or misunderstood his wishes. By time it was party time, we were exhausted and he was hammered.
  25. 25. Jackie’s 7th birthday party I remember this like yesterday. Look at the faces. 
  26. 26. “walking on eggshells” counting things that he’d fight about later.. Soon after, I left again.
  27. 27. It took almost a year but again he convinced me he changed.
  28. 28. I returned, and we wed. By this point, I had severed ties with my Mother. She was not invited to my own wedding.
  29. 29. Honeymoon was over again, back to square one… I felt like I was stuck forever… under his thumb, removed from the world, isolated from family… his doormat. The scapegoat for all his problems. His punching bag. I grew weary.
  30. 30. A last- minute addition! Joey 9/11/03
  31. 31. To flex his power, if baby Joey was too much work, he’d call and make me leave work early.
  32. 32. Warning signs: • Extreme jealousy • Constant insults or ridicule • Telling you what you can and can’t do • Financial Control • Possessiveness or controlling behavior • Making false accusations • Keeping you from seeing or talking with family and friends My story: He’d take my paycheck and send me to work with $2.
  33. 33. The torture isn’t just physical… Emotional Abuse • Being insulted, intimidated, humiliated or isolated are some of the more hidden signals that a relationship may be abusive. Abusers often maintain power over their partners through behaviors that lower their partner's self- esteem and make them feel helpless. • Abusers may use both emotional and physical abuse to exert control. Even if it does not leave scars that you can see, emotional abuse can cause serious harm. Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem can be lasting consequences of abuse.
  34. 34. We all kept the path clear – which was “enabling.” The kids and I worked in sync to keep everything running smoothly, just to prevent outbursts from him. He was the king in his throne. They weren’t able to go out with their friends anymore, they had to watch Joey and cater to his and their father’s needs when I was at work.
  35. 35. Don’t give up! You don’t EVER deserve to be slapped or invaded. You’re not alone, and feeling guilty is NORMAL. Get out, get help. Please.
  36. 36. It’s ok, you’re not alone. Buffalo NY Crisis Services: 716-834-3131 National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Suzanne Perry OP Music House, Inc. All rights reserved c2010