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Invisible scarsJust because you can’t see the wounds doesn’t mean
you’re any less oppressed. RachelLaw digs deep into
the case of emotional abuse.
I
was in an emotionally-abusive dating relationship and
I didn’t know it – in fact I only found out I had survived
months after the break-up. I remember reading about
the subject and feeling appalled that none of my
confidants had pointed the situation out to me – not
that they were any less supportive.
It made me wonder about the number of women out
there who are unconsciously enduring this sort of abuse.
While there aren’t any statistics from the Malaysian police,
the 2012 amendment to the national Domestic Violence Act
1994 does acknowledge psychological and emotional abuses.
“Istoppeddressing
upbecauseit
threatenedhisego”
Evan*, my former boyfriend in university, wasn’t the
best-looking guy around. But he is gifted with charisma,
the sort of person you’d find ridiculous to dislike. Witty
and eloquent, he also suffered from a
superiority complex. He had standards
for everything and he had them all high:
his way or the highway. Naturally, it
was flattering to be his girlfriend and we
were unbelievably happy. Fights never
lasted for more than two hours – he
was slick with words and whenever he
‘corrected’ me, I appreciated that he
was ‘making me a better person’.
At some point in the six-month
relationship, things started to take a
drastic turn. My dressing up became a
problem because according to him, I
“lacked confidence” and it “attracted
attention from other men”. Instead I should opt for a T-shirt
and jeans if I wanted to impress him, he told me. He even
dictated how I should and shouldn’t display my affection
for him in public because he was going to be someone of
‘importance’, insisting that I should play by his rules if I
wanted to be a supportive partner.
To cut the story short, I was walking on eggshells for the
remainder of the relationship. I tried to change to please
him but it only buried my self-worth
deeper. Until this day, I will never
forget the times he called me stupid,
convinced me I was mentally unstable
for being angry (after he had belittled
me), left me crying alone in the
parking lot, withheld my Valentine’s
gift because I hadn’t been making
him happy, kissed another girl at a
party then had the cheek to tell me
it was “on the spur of the moment”,
and threatened to leave for good when
I suggested a time-out from each
other… amongst other horrific things.
Thank goodness he eventually broke
up with me because I wouldn’t have
had the courage to do so then.
“Ihadtoreportmy
whereaboutstohim
atalltimes.”Denise*, a close friend, was unhappy in her previous
relationship too. She met Connor* in university, and he struck
her as being a gentleman in the beginning. But his true self
began to rear its ugly head when she started chatting with an
ex-boyfriend.
“My ex was overseas and we were only making small talk.
Little did I know, Connor was secretly checking my text
messages, emails and even Facebook. I had no idea how he
managed to log into my accounts because I didn’t give him my
passwords,” says Denise.
“I also never realised that he had a nasty temper. He called
me names, said horrible things about my family, implied
countless times that his family was better than mine, restricted
my hanging out with guy friends although my girlfriends were
there too, and insisted that I report to him my activities and
whereabouts at all times. It came to a
point where he did not allow me to read
manga (Japanese comics), something I
enjoy doing.”
Like me, Denise wasn’t aware she
was being controlled. Connor would
rationalise his restrictions, and on top of
that, Denise would justify his actions in
hopes that he would change for the better
– all this at the expense of losing herself.
Then one day, he did the unthinkable.
“We were arguing over a small matter.
It got blown out of proportion and
before I knew it, his
hand gripped
my neck, almost suffocating me.
He realised what he was doing and
let go immediately. He apologised
profusely but my mind was made
up about what I needed to do: I
wanted out. I ended the relationship
via email when he was back at home
in Indonesia,” adds Denise.
* Names have been changed in the interest of privacy
My dressing up
became a problem
because according
to him, I “lacked
confidence” and it
“attracted attention
from other men”.
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ClinicalpsychologistUrmilahDassfromValleyPsychologicalServicesand
Women’sAidOrganisationsocialworkerYogasriSivanyanamelaborateonthe
topicofemotionalabuse:
IMPROVEMENT VS
MANIPULATION
Understand what a healthy
relationship is and isn’t.
“If someone is constantly
berating you, controlling
your every move and trying
to change who you are, it is not positive
feedback but manipulation and control.
You’ll find yourself losing your peace
of mind and becoming stressed in his
presence,” Urmilah explains. “If you’re
doing all he’s asking yet still feel empty
and unhappy inside, you’ll realise you’re
just doing it to please him,” Yogasri notes.
VICTIMS STRUGGLE TO
WALK AWAY
Firstly, some victims do not have the
support of family and friends because
they’ve been taught to honour the
sanctity of marriage and NOT walk
away. Secondly, there’s concern for
the children’s welfare (in a domestic setting).
Fears of uncertainties could delay the victim from
walking out; e.g. she may be penniless if financially
dependent on her husband.
VICTIMS
CAN’T
SEE THE
PARTNER’S
PROBLEMS
When a victim is
restricted from
connecting with
the outside world, Urmilah says
she may have a “dependent
personality and cannot see a life
away from the perpetrator”.
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IT ISN’T POPULAR
Why? There’s no apparent
scar and there’s a lack of
understanding about this
form of abuse. “It is under-reported
because of the lack in capacity
of equipment in our country to
measure emotional abuse. There’s
also a lack of access towards
psychologists and psychiatrists to
assess its severity on the victim’s
mental health,” explains Yogasri.
VICTIMS ARE OFTEN
WOMEN
Men and women can
experience emotional abuse
but it remains gender-discriminatory.
Gender, as in masculine (powerful,
initiator, etc.) and feminine
(submissive, tolerant, etc.), are
characteristics society have attached
to the two sexes. “This perceived
power imbalance encourages the
more ‘powerful’ person to abuse the
‘submissive’ female,” Yogasri says.
IT COULD STEM FROM THE PERPETRATOR’S
BACKGROUND
Yogasri shares several examples: “When he saw his father abusing his
mother, that experience might have taught him to resort to violence
when dealing with a stressful situation, or he could have picked up
his father’s controlling parenting style. He could have been bullied
in school, so when he finds a source of power over something or
someone, he keeps it.”
TRUE COLOURS SHOW
EARLY
In a dating relationship, Urmilah
says the abusive partner would
first need to gain love, trust and respect
before he can wheedle his way into the
victim’s life and show his true self. Yogasri
adds the pattern of abusive behaviour
exists in the dating stage itself but couples
go ahead with marriage because they
believe the abusive partner will change his
ways after settling down.
Theexpertsspeak
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ACTONTHEABUSE
Make a police report.
If you fear for your safety, inform the police that
you would like to apply for an Interim Protection
Order (IPO). Go to the Welfare Department
in your district with the documents provided
by the police. The officers will then apply to the
magistrate’s court on your behalf, and the IPO
must be served within seven days to the abuser.
Seek medical treatment at the One Stop Crisis
Centre (OSCC) at major general hospitals.
Seek temporary shelter.
Call any women’s NGO for help.
(Source:AllWomen’sActionSociety)
IT’S A COMBO OF
ABUSEs
The five forms of abuse include
physical, psychological,
financial, social and sexual. The
abusive partner may hide your
ATM card (financial), restrict
you from seeing your family (social), break
things to instil fear (psychological), forces you
to have sex because as a wife you’re ‘supposed
to satisfy your husband’s needs (sexual), etc.
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