You Don't Have to Like Them - Just Learn to Work With Them

Copyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLDCopyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLD 11
You Don’t Have To Like ThemYou Don’t Have To Like Them 
Just Learn To Work With ThemJust Learn To Work With Them

Seminar GoalsSeminar Goals
 Understand the different styles of behaviorUnderstand the different styles of behavior
and how they impact performanceand how they impact performance
 Learn the key to communicating andLearn the key to communicating and
interacting more effectively with othersinteracting more effectively with others
 Discover how to resolve conflict andDiscover how to resolve conflict and
negotiate win-winsnegotiate win-wins
 The key to motivating yourself and othersThe key to motivating yourself and others
 Develop your action plan for successDevelop your action plan for success

Today’s AgendaToday’s Agenda
 Self-Assessment: DISC DimensionsSelf-Assessment: DISC Dimensions
of Behaviourof Behaviour
 Understanding Behaviour & How itUnderstanding Behaviour & How it
Impacts PerformanceImpacts Performance
 TheThe ArtArt of Communicatingof Communicating
 The 5-Steps toThe 5-Steps to ActiveActive ListeningListening
 Problem Solving & Negotiating WinsProblem Solving & Negotiating Wins
 Developing Your Action PlanDeveloping Your Action Plan

EQ not IQEQ not IQ
Worth Remembering …Worth Remembering …
““We are being judged by a newWe are being judged by a new
yardstick; not just how smart weyardstick; not just how smart we
are, or by our training and expertise,are, or by our training and expertise,
but also by how well we handlebut also by how well we handle
ourselves and each other.”ourselves and each other.”
- Daniel Goleman Ph.D. Harvard- Daniel Goleman Ph.D. Harvard

AttitudeAttitude

You Own ItYou Own It
““Your attitude -Your attitude -
determines your altitude.”determines your altitude.”
- Covey- Covey

The Attitude ChallengeThe Attitude Challenge
Question:Question:
 Who is in control of your attitude?Who is in control of your attitude?

Attitude is a ChoiceAttitude is a Choice
““Everything can be taken away fromEverything can be taken away from
man but one thing – to choose –man but one thing – to choose –
one’s attitude in a given set ofone’s attitude in a given set of
circumstances, to choose one’s owncircumstances, to choose one’s own
way.”way.”
-- Viktor FranklViktor Frankl
* Mans Search For Ultimate Meaning* Mans Search For Ultimate Meaning

Things to RememberThings to Remember
 Everybody has oneEverybody has one
 No two are exactly the sameNo two are exactly the same
 It’s 100% in your controlIt’s 100% in your control
 It’s a matter of choiceIt’s a matter of choice
 How would your team-mates rateHow would your team-mates rate
your attitude?your attitude?

Motivation EquationMotivation Equation
Need +Need +
Goal Directed BehaviorGoal Directed Behavior
== WIIFMWIIFM

Your WIIFM’sYour WIIFM’s
What’s your WIIFM?What’s your WIIFM?
What’s their WIIFM?What’s their WIIFM?
Take a moment and write themTake a moment and write them
downdown

Inside not OutsideInside not Outside
Motivation:Motivation:
““People do things for their own reasonPeople do things for their own reason
not yours. You can’t make anyone donot yours. You can’t make anyone do
anything they don’t want to do – butanything they don’t want to do – but
you can create an environment inyou can create an environment in
which they will want to motivatewhich they will want to motivate
themselves” – Brian Smiththemselves” – Brian Smith

Worth RememberingWorth Remembering
Question:Question:
If you know your WIIFM and theirIf you know your WIIFM and their
WIIFM - What do you need to do toWIIFM - What do you need to do to
create a win-win?create a win-win?

Different StrokesDifferent Strokes
BehaviourBehaviour

Why Behaviour?Why Behaviour?
Behaviour is:Behaviour is:
 Observable 20%Observable 20%
 Situtationally-Situtationally-
basedbased
 FlexibleFlexible
 DynamicDynamic
 Based on yourBased on your
thoughts andthoughts and
beliefsbeliefs

The Rules About OthersThe Rules About Others
 Different is justDifferent is just
that,that, Different.Different.
 There is richness inThere is richness in
diversitydiversity
 By understandingBy understanding
yourself betteryourself better
you will learn toyou will learn to
understand othersunderstand others

“The task of an executive is not to
change human beings. The task is to
multiply performance capacity of the
whole by putting to use what ever
strength, health and aspiration there
is in individuals.” – Drucker

DISC StylesDISC Styles

Different FolksDifferent Folks
 DominantDominant:: Quick action, taskQuick action, task
focused, easily bored.focused, easily bored.
 InterpersonalInterpersonal:: Entertaining,Entertaining,
friendly, talkative.friendly, talkative.
 SteadySteady:: calm, patient, loyal, a goodcalm, patient, loyal, a good
listener.listener.
 ConscientiousConscientious:: Attention to detail,Attention to detail,
very analytical, likes to be thorough.very analytical, likes to be thorough.

Strengths Become WeaknessesStrengths Become Weaknesses
 D:D: who is good at directing andwho is good at directing and
deciding, may become autocratic.deciding, may become autocratic.
 I:I: who is good at promoting andwho is good at promoting and
persuading, may oversell.persuading, may oversell.
 S:S: who is steady and agreeable, maywho is steady and agreeable, may
give in despite their needs.give in despite their needs.
 C:C: who is good at analyzing andwho is good at analyzing and
checking, may become indecisive.checking, may become indecisive.

Ah Ha MomentAh Ha Moment
AwarenessAwareness
BringsBrings
EffectivenessEffectiveness

Good Habits = Good ResultsGood Habits = Good Results
““Excellence is not an act but a habit.Excellence is not an act but a habit.
The things you do the most are theThe things you do the most are the
things you do the best.”things you do the best.”
- Marva Collins- Marva Collins

New BeginningsNew Beginnings
CC – Commit to a new beginning– Commit to a new beginning
HH –– Habits. Stop one, start anotherHabits. Stop one, start another
AA –– Action not wordsAction not words
NN –– Never give upNever give up
GG –– Goal oriented. Set targetsGoal oriented. Set targets
EE –– Evaluate your planEvaluate your plan

TheThe ArtArt ofof
CommunicatingCommunicating

Communication RealitiesCommunication Realities
Question:Question:
 On a percentage basis how much doOn a percentage basis how much do
you think we communicate by theyou think we communicate by the
actual words we say?actual words we say?

TheThe ArtArt of Communicatingof Communicating
How much do we communicate by:How much do we communicate by:
1.1. Actual Words _____ %Actual Words _____ %
2.2. Voice Tonality _____ %Voice Tonality _____ %
3.3. Body Language _____ %Body Language _____ %

Perception is RealityPerception is Reality

Walk The TalkWalk The Talk
““People hear what they see –People hear what they see –
Not what you say”.Not what you say”.

Communication ProcessCommunication Process
 The sender of the messageThe sender of the message
 The message itselfThe message itself
 The channel used to deliver theThe channel used to deliver the
messagemessage
 The receiver of the messageThe receiver of the message

The Decoding ProcessThe Decoding Process
1.1. Sensing or becoming aware of theSensing or becoming aware of the
message;message;
2.2. Interpreting and understanding theInterpreting and understanding the
meaning and purpose;meaning and purpose;
3.3. Evaluating to respond or act upon;Evaluating to respond or act upon;
4.4. Responding by performing anResponding by performing an
action, changing a behaviour oraction, changing a behaviour or
sending a message.sending a message.

CommunicationCommunication
““I know you believe you understandI know you believe you understand
what you think I said, But I’m notwhat you think I said, But I’m not
sure you realize that what you heardsure you realize that what you heard
is not what I meant”.is not what I meant”.

Did You Know?Did You Know?
 You cannotYou cannot notnot communicatecommunicate
 Whenever contact is made -Whenever contact is made -
communication occurscommunication occurs
 Meanings are in people not in wordsMeanings are in people not in words
 All types of communications areAll types of communications are
received but 70 to 90% are screenedreceived but 70 to 90% are screened
out or changed by the receiver.out or changed by the receiver.

TheThe ArtArt of Communicatingof Communicating
““If the essence of communication isIf the essence of communication is
to send the message and have itto send the message and have it
received as it was intended; thenreceived as it was intended; then
you must keep in mind that you’reyou must keep in mind that you’re
not the most important person in thenot the most important person in the
conversation.” – Brian Smithconversation.” – Brian Smith

Green Light ResponseGreen Light Response
 OKOK
 HmmmHmmm
 I understandI understand
 Uh huhUh huh
 YesYes
 NodNod

Yellow Light ResponsesYellow Light Responses
 Reflective ListeningReflective Listening – “So if I– “So if I
understand you correctly, …”understand you correctly, …”
 Clarifying QuestionsClarifying Questions -- “Have I“Have I
addressed all of your concerns?”addressed all of your concerns?”
 Probing QuestionsProbing Questions - “Tell me- “Tell me
more about …”more about …”

Red Light ResponseRed Light Response
 Closed QuestionsClosed Questions let you know iflet you know if
you are going in the right direction.you are going in the right direction.
 ““Based on what you’ve said, IBased on what you’ve said, I
recommend …. Would you like me torecommend …. Would you like me to
proceed?proceed?
 ““Am I making myself clear?” orAm I making myself clear?” or
“Have I explained that properly?”“Have I explained that properly?”

Gender DifferencesGender Differences
 Women tend to see communicationWomen tend to see communication
as a way to connect and enhance aas a way to connect and enhance a
relationshiprelationship
 Men see communication as a way toMen see communication as a way to
accomplish objectives.accomplish objectives.
 Women are inclined to expressWomen are inclined to express
agreement and supportagreement and support
 Men are more inclined to debateMen are more inclined to debate

Generation PreferencesGeneration Preferences
 Matures:Matures: Communicate one-on-one,Communicate one-on-one,
through letters or memo.through letters or memo.
 Baby Boomers:Baby Boomers: Communicate inCommunicate in
person or on the phone.person or on the phone. (1946 - 1964)(1946 - 1964)
 Generation X:Generation X: Communicate byCommunicate by
phone or emailphone or email (1965 – 1980)(1965 – 1980)
 Millennials:Millennials: Text message or phoneText message or phone
– email is so yesterday.– email is so yesterday. (1981 – 1995)(1981 – 1995)

ActiveActive ListeningListening

““We have two ears but only oneWe have two ears but only one
mouth. Some people suggest that’smouth. Some people suggest that’s
because we should spend twice asbecause we should spend twice as
much time listening as opposed tomuch time listening as opposed to
talking. Others suggest it’s becausetalking. Others suggest it’s because
listening is twice as hard.”listening is twice as hard.”

By The NumbersBy The Numbers
The way we communicate:The way we communicate:
 9% Writing9% Writing
 16% Reading16% Reading
 35% Talking35% Talking
 40% Listening40% Listening
* Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening”* Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening”

The Word is OutThe Word is Out
A recent survey revealed:A recent survey revealed:
 Individuals listen about 25% of theIndividuals listen about 25% of the
timetime
 Most people recall only 50% of whatMost people recall only 50% of what
they hearthey hear
 70% of all misunderstandings70% of all misunderstandings
happen because people do not listenhappen because people do not listen
to each otherto each other

WeWe AllAll Suffer From Tune-OutSuffer From Tune-Out
 We have the ability to listen at a rateWe have the ability to listen at a rate
of ___ to ___ words per minute.of ___ to ___ words per minute.
 We can speak at a rate of ___ to ___We can speak at a rate of ___ to ___
words per minute.words per minute.
 That means we can tune-out up toThat means we can tune-out up to
___ words per minute.___ words per minute.
* Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening?”* Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening?”

How Well Do You Listen?How Well Do You Listen?
 Take out six letters and it will revealTake out six letters and it will reveal
a very popular word.a very popular word.
 What word did it reveal?What word did it reveal?
SBXNIAELTASREANTSSBXNIAELTASREANTS

Listening StylesListening Styles
Which one are you?Which one are you?
1. The Presumer: Jumps to
conclusions
2. The Selective: Zeros in on a word
or phrase
3. The Partial Attender: Focuses on
what they are going to say.

Gender DifferencesGender Differences
 When listening women make moreWhen listening women make more
noises like “mm-hmm” – “ah-ha”noises like “mm-hmm” – “ah-ha”
 Men are more likely to listen inMen are more likely to listen in
silence.silence.
 Women are more inclined to faceWomen are more inclined to face
each other and make eye contacteach other and make eye contact
 Men are more likely to look away.Men are more likely to look away.

Good Listening HabitsGood Listening Habits
1.1. Patience:Patience: Be patient with yourselfBe patient with yourself
and the speaker. Do not interrupt.and the speaker. Do not interrupt.
2.2. Focus:Focus: Send verbal and non-verbalSend verbal and non-verbal
cues to the sender.cues to the sender.
3.3. Open-mindedness:Open-mindedness: Don’t becomeDon’t become
emotional. React and respond toemotional. React and respond to
what is being said, not the speaker.what is being said, not the speaker.

““There is no such thing as a badThere is no such thing as a bad
listener … There is only a person withlistener … There is only a person with
inflexible listening habits.” - Larsoninflexible listening habits.” - Larson

5-Steps to5-Steps to ActiveActive ListeningListening
 Listen to understandListen to understand
not necessarily tonot necessarily to
agreeagree
 Give the sender yourGive the sender your
full attentionfull attention
 Ask questions forAsk questions for
clarityclarity
 Summarize andSummarize and
paraphraseparaphrase
 Tune into words,Tune into words,
feelings and bodyfeelings and body
language.language.

Copyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLDCopyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLD
5050
Adopt your style to communicate with:Adopt your style to communicate with:
 DominantDominant StyleStyle
 InteractiveInteractive StyleStyle
 SteadinessSteadiness StyleStyle
 ConscientiousConscientious StyleStyle

Building RelationshipsBuilding Relationships
The 3 R’sThe 3 R’s
1.1.RapportRapport
2.2.RelationshipRelationship
3.3.RespectRespect

PersonalitiesPersonalities
1.1. Passive AggressivePassive Aggressive:: Usually quietUsually quiet
and agreeable in the conflict but willand agreeable in the conflict but will
get even with you later.get even with you later.
2.2. AssertiveAssertive:: Assertive people areAssertive people are
open, honest and direct.open, honest and direct.
3.3. Active AggressiveActive Aggressive:: Can beCan be
verbally or physically abusive. Theyverbally or physically abusive. They
will try and bully you.will try and bully you.

Passive AggressivePassive Aggressive
 Meet with them privatelyMeet with them privately
 Make them responsible for theirMake them responsible for their
words and actionswords and actions
 Encourage them to be moreEncourage them to be more
assertive, open, honest and directassertive, open, honest and direct
 Avoid treating them with covertAvoid treating them with covert
manipulationmanipulation
 Take a problem solving approachTake a problem solving approach

AssertiveAssertive
 ListenListen
 Restate what they said, and yourRestate what they said, and your
point of viewpoint of view
 Be respectfully assertiveBe respectfully assertive
 Focus on the factsFocus on the facts
 Have your opinion notedHave your opinion noted
 Refuse to argueRefuse to argue

Active AggressiveActive Aggressive
 Agree with the element of truth inAgree with the element of truth in
the outburstthe outburst
 Be respectfully assertiveBe respectfully assertive
 Ask for a private meeting laterAsk for a private meeting later
 Be sincere – avoid sarcasmBe sincere – avoid sarcasm
 Downplay your observation of theirDownplay your observation of their
emotional stateemotional state

Resolving ConflictResolving Conflict
““Knowledge of other persons beliefsKnowledge of other persons beliefs
and ways of thinking must be used toand ways of thinking must be used to
build bridges, not to create conflicts”build bridges, not to create conflicts”
- Kjell Bondevik- Kjell Bondevik

DisagreementDisagreement
1.1. Disagreement:Disagreement: When each of youWhen each of you
have a different opinion about ahave a different opinion about a
subject, of which neither of yousubject, of which neither of you
have the ability to alter. When thehave the ability to alter. When the
discussion gets old, resolve thesediscussion gets old, resolve these
quickly by respecting each othersquickly by respecting each others
opinion and agreeing to disagree.opinion and agreeing to disagree.

MisunderstandingMisunderstanding
Misunderstanding:Misunderstanding: WhenWhen
communication breaks down and onlycommunication breaks down and only
part of the message gets through.part of the message gets through.
Resolve with courtesy, assertiveness,Resolve with courtesy, assertiveness,
and most important – good listeningand most important – good listening
skills.skills.

True ConflictTrue Conflict
True ConflictTrue Conflict:: Occurs when one partyOccurs when one party
gets what they want and the othergets what they want and the other
party can’t get what they want. Tryparty can’t get what they want. Try
these four steps:these four steps:
1.1.Separate the people & the problemSeparate the people & the problem
2.2.Focus on needs not wantsFocus on needs not wants
3.3.Come up with all the optionsCome up with all the options
4.4.Result based on objective standardResult based on objective standard

Creative Problem SolvingCreative Problem Solving
““Diplomacy is the business of handlingDiplomacy is the business of handling
a porcupine without disturbing thea porcupine without disturbing the
quills”quills”

Problem Solving SkillsProblem Solving Skills
 Deal with the problem immediatelyDeal with the problem immediately
 Define the problem carefullyDefine the problem carefully
 Separate the people from theSeparate the people from the
problemproblem
 Determine the desired outcomeDetermine the desired outcome
 Make a list of practical solutionsMake a list of practical solutions
 Don’t get trapped into thinking thereDon’t get trapped into thinking there
is only one resolutionis only one resolution

Negotiating Win-WinsNegotiating Win-Wins
Question:Question:
What is negotiation?What is negotiation?
What things do we negotiate?What things do we negotiate?
What is the goal of an effectiveWhat is the goal of an effective
negotiation?negotiation?

NegotiationNegotiation
““Negotiation is the art of lettingNegotiation is the art of letting
someone else have your way”someone else have your way”
- David Frost- David Frost

Negotiation StylesNegotiation Styles
ForcingForcing
CompromisingCompromising
AccommodatingAccommodating
CollaboratingCollaborating

ForcingForcing
 Usually takes less timeUsually takes less time
 It can lead to an autocratic victory isIt can lead to an autocratic victory is
you have more power than the otheryou have more power than the other
personperson
 Forcing can lead to a stalemateForcing can lead to a stalemate
 The other side usually becomesThe other side usually becomes
resentfulresentful

Forcing:Forcing:
““Never corner an opponent, and alwaysNever corner an opponent, and always
assist them to save face …Avoid self-assist them to save face …Avoid self-
righteousness like the devil – there isrighteousness like the devil – there is
nothing so self-blinding” – Basil Hartnothing so self-blinding” – Basil Hart

CompromisingCompromising
 It’s the natural strategy for mostIt’s the natural strategy for most
peoplepeople
 Both sides win-lose, give-takeBoth sides win-lose, give-take
 Have a feeling of giving inHave a feeling of giving in
 May become disappointed becauseMay become disappointed because
neither gets exactly what they wantneither gets exactly what they want

Compromising:Compromising:
““Be careful not to compromise whatBe careful not to compromise what
you want most for what you wantyou want most for what you want
now” - Zig Ziglarnow” - Zig Ziglar

AccommodatingAccommodating
 You give in and the conflict is overYou give in and the conflict is over
quicklyquickly
 You could get people to owe you aYou could get people to owe you a
favorfavor
 You may lose a lot by giving up earlyYou may lose a lot by giving up early
 You could lose power and be seen asYou could lose power and be seen as
a softya softy

Accommodating:Accommodating:
““Place a higher priority on discoveringPlace a higher priority on discovering
what a win looks like for the otherwhat a win looks like for the other
person” – Harvey Robinsperson” – Harvey Robins

CollaboratingCollaborating
Both sides can winBoth sides can win
Personal relationships can improvePersonal relationships can improve
Collaborating can take a long timeCollaborating can take a long time
People with a forceful style could seePeople with a forceful style could see
this style as being weakthis style as being weak

Collaborating:Collaborating:
““If you choose to be a negotiator, youIf you choose to be a negotiator, you
eliminate worry about whether youeliminate worry about whether you
deserve to be successful”deserve to be successful”
- Theodore Zeldin- Theodore Zeldin

Overcoming BarriersOvercoming Barriers
1.1.The Competitive ApproachThe Competitive Approach
2.2.The Collaborative ApproachThe Collaborative Approach
3.3.Principled NegotiationPrincipled Negotiation

Competitive ApproachCompetitive Approach
 A manipulative approach designed toA manipulative approach designed to
intimidateintimidate
 Confrontation leads to rigidityConfrontation leads to rigidity
 One sides gain is the other sides lossOne sides gain is the other sides loss

Collaborative ApproachCollaborative Approach
Gains are not necessarily viewed asGains are not necessarily viewed as
at the expense of the other partyat the expense of the other party
Problems resolved throughProblems resolved through
application of intelligence andapplication of intelligence and
creativitycreativity
Ensures buy-in from all partiesEnsures buy-in from all parties

Principled NegotiationPrincipled Negotiation
 Consider each parties perceptionConsider each parties perception
 Focus on interest not positionsFocus on interest not positions

Negotiate ThisNegotiate This
Divide this into 4 equal parts - All theDivide this into 4 equal parts - All the
same size and all the same shapesame size and all the same shape..

Your Action PlanYour Action Plan
 What is the one thing that you areWhat is the one thing that you are
going to take away with you todaygoing to take away with you today
and start to make the kinds ofand start to make the kinds of
changes you need to make?changes you need to make?
 Give me a call – I’m here to helpGive me a call – I’m here to help

Thank YouThank You
Thank you for attending andThank you for attending and
participating in this workshop.participating in this workshop.
I hope you got yourI hope you got your WIIFMWIIFM today.today.
Give me a Call – Let’s TalkGive me a Call – Let’s Talk
Twitter: http://twitter.com/briansmithpld
Linkedin: http://ca.linkedin.com/in/briansmithpld
Web: http://briansmithpld.com

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