4 things you must do if your husband uses porn

1. 4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses
Porn
What should you do if your husband watches porn?
Well, it’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! And today we’re going to tackle
the tough problem of pornography in marriage.
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This week I’ve had a mini-series on what to do when you discover your husband is using
porn. I’ve been interviewing Vicki Tiede, author of When Your Husband is Addicted to
Pornography. We looked at what to do when you discover your husband’s ​watching
porn​, and how to deal with your husband’s porn use. Today I thought I’d sum up what
we’ve discussed and add some of my own thoughts.

2. 1. You Must Grieve Your Husband’s Porn Use
It’s going to come as a major sucker punch. You’ll feel betrayed, and dirty, and angry.
That’s natural. Likely you knew something was wrong, and you suspected something,
but you couldn’t put your finger on it. Now you know, and very likely the feelings are
overwhelming. People often arrive on this blog the night they discover their husband
watching porn, and they find posts talking about pornography use and pour out their
hurt in the comments. That hurt is raw and very real.
That’s okay. Give yourself some grace to be upset. Give yourself some time to yell at
God about it, to wrestle this through, and to cry. You don’t have to fix anything
overnight, and sometimes if we try too hard to fix it right now we do more damage. At
times, when we first find out something so devastating, we’re tempted to say, “it’s okay,
I know you didn’t mean it, let’s just forget it and go back to normal” because we’re
afraid to face what this means.
But we need to admit brokenness. If we don’t admit it, it can’t be fixed. And it could be
that what God is going to make out of the pieces of your heart and your relationship,
will be different from what you started with, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be
beautiful. Grieve, and give God time to work. Don’t deny the gravity of the hurt. And
don’t deny the gravity of the effects of porn on a marriage, either!
At the same time, if I can offer some reassurance, so many marriages have emerged on
the other side. And one thing that helps is that, after that initial grief is over, you realize
that you are on the same page, fighting an evil together.
Most Christian men desperately want to stop watching porn. They don’t want to be
doing this. It enslaves them. If you can be an ally, rather than an attacker, you both will
move forward so much more easily.
2. You Must Live in the Light and Not Keep His Porn Use a Secret
Porn thrives on secrecy. In her book, Vicki recounts the words of one woman, married
45 years, who discovered her husband’s masturbation habit two years into this

3. marriage. “if it ever got out, I’d kill myself,” he told her. And so she didn’t say a word,
and lived with it. For 45 years. Can you imagine?
Vicki doesn’t believe that staying in darkness is the answer. As I’ve said before, you need
to bring these things to light.
As a church, we need to bring this to light.
There is so much ignorance around the whole pornography problem. It truly does
ensnare people, making it almost impossible for them to function normally sexually with
a human being. What becomes arousing is an image, and they become so focused on
masturbation and pornography that a relationship isn’t sexy anymore. And it’s too much
work! Once you start using porn, too, it rarely stays with the tame stuff. People will seek
out more and more hard core stimulation. Eventually, they may even act things out. This
isn’t people just looking at something to get their jollies; this is something that can all
too easily turn into an addiction.
3. You Must Get Help
It is not enough for a husband to apologize and promise never to do it again. You
wouldn’t accept that of an alcoholic; you would ask him or her to go to AA meetings.
The same goes for porn use.
There’s such shame involved with pornography because it’s sexual, but the admonition
from the Bible doesn’t change. James 5:16 says, “confess your sins one to another”.
Confession should be a regular part of the Christian life. If a husband admits he watches
porn, apologizes, but then asks that his wife not say anything and is unwilling himself to
seek any help, then he hasn’t really repented.
True repentance is always accompanied by true humility, and that means that someone
will seek help. I’m not saying tell everyone you know. I’m saying tell one person who can
hold your husband accountable; one person who can call your husband or take him out
for coffee periodically and look him in the eyes and challenge him on whether he’s been
watching porn or not.

4. Pray about who that one person should be, but do find that one person for him.
And then find one person for you, too. One person that you can pour your heart out to,
and can help guide you as you deal with this, move on to forgiveness, and rebuild.
4. You Must Set Boundaries around the Porn Use
Finally, if you don’t want this to happen again, you must set boundaries. That isn’t being
vengeful; it’s just being smart. If your husband had an affair at work, you’d likely want
him to find another job. You’d want something to change so that he won’t fall into it
again.
And this should be the same thing. I don’t know what those boundaries will look like for
your family; they could involve computer controls to filter pornography, or getting rid of
the internet temporarily. They could mean choosing to share computers and cell phones
so that there is no longer any secrecy. Perhaps sharing passwords. Maybe it might mean
setting “technology free” hours at home, where all screens go off at 9:00 pm, so that it’s
relationship time and you know you have his attention.
One warning about boundaries, though. It is must easier to build trust again if you know
that there is someone else helping your husband set those boundaries, and someone
else holding him accountable. It’s not a good situation to feel as if you have to monitor
your husband’s every move. That sets up a very unhealthy dynamic, where you’re
constantly on the watch for him to mess up.
But for the men reading this, know that your wife will be able to trust you easier if you
have an accountability partner (Covenant Eyes is a great way to organize this; use the
code “TLHV” for a free month!). So don’t shy away from finding someone to talk to!
Rebuilding trust and rebuilding your sex life after porn takes time, but it is possible. But
it is only possible if you admit the gravity of the problem, get some help, and truly
repent and become humble before God. You both need God’s help. You both need
outside help. And you both will need some time.