The Dark Side of the Moss complete

The Dark Side of the Moss "Don’t Forget the Coconut Water"
By
Sophie Torry-Cook
Iggy (Londoner, most of the
time he’s not very cockney,
but he falls into it
occasionally when pressured)
Dolly (Bristolian)
Azacca (Caribbean, English
isn’t great)
The Witch (moody English teen)
Ethel Tanoy Lady (very
enthusiastic English)
All other minor characters are
played by the main actors
(with accent changes)

THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOSS "DON’T FORGET THE COCONUT WATER"
EXT. GARDEN CENTRE
(INTRO MUSIC - DRUMS, SYNTH, THEROMIN)
FX: HUM OF NEON SIGN
FX: TANOY TONE
ETHEL THE TANOY LADY
Welcome to The Dark Side of the Moss the only 24 hour
garden and trellis centre. You’ve made the first step
towards top top topperoo deals. Tonight we have two
point five percent off baseball cacti, if you can
catch it, you can have it! Teeth stalks, half price
so you can add a dash of whimsy to your home-made
crop circles. There’s also one-hundred percent off
all fully grown coconut bushes, while stocks last. We
would like to remind all parents that the lost
children enclosure will now be located in the
man-eating venus fly trap isle. All uncollected
children will be eaten. Have a great night and
remember to (voice lowers) SHOP TILL YOU DROP!
INT. GARDEN CENTRE
FX: SHOP DOOR TINKLES
FX: WHISTLING ’GO YOUR OWN WAY’ BY FLEETWOOD MAC
IGGY
Late again, Dolly.
DOLLY
How are you here before me you keener? Do you sleep
in a compost bag?
IGGY
It’s not about how I get here, it’s the principle.
DOLLY
The principle of using a compost packet as a sleeping
bag? That’s not really a principle is it?
IGGY
Just take the geraniums out will you.
DOLLY
Can’t you do it, they always nick my ball-points.
IGGY
Don’t start.
FX: LEAVES RUSTLING AND GROWLING
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.
IGGY
Don’t you start either Matilda.
DOLLY
It’s geranium voodoo. I’m putting them back on the
leashes.
IGGY
Don’t bad mouth the geraniums. They’re only half way
through the rehabilitation scheme, they still need
round the clock emotional support.
DOLLY
How much support can you give to a geranium?
Realistically?
IGGY
Respect Dolly, they’ve provided many a man a
sanctuary from his inner demons with their abundant
foliage.
DOLLY
I bet they have.
(BEAT)
DOLLY
Iggy, What happened to your family?
IGGY
I’d rather not say.
DOLLY
Why? Did they transform into pigs because they ate
too much Chinese food?
(PAUSE)
IGGY
No.
DOLLY
Mine neither.
IGGY
We go through this every night, just take out the
Geraniums.
FX: OPENING OF A TRAP DOOR
IGGY
Oh Matilda, she just doesn’t understand you, does
she? Remember Chalk Farm? Christ that was a mad one,
I woke up in that second hand shop wearing five
jumpers. Got your stems stuck in the cash register.
They thought we were stealing. (laughs) What a night.
If I can get off early perhaps we could er-
FX: RUSTLING LEAVES AND GROWLING
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.
DOLLY (OUT OF BREATH)
They’ve done it again, I said they would, didn’t I
say! Iggy why you re-potting Matilda?
IGGY
I er- I’m not, I was just checking for...root
rot...you know rot in the roots-
AZACCA
Hello friends.
IGGY
Christ alive.
AZACCA
What are you up to Iggy?
DOLLY
He’s doing stuff with that ponytail palm, boss.
AZACCA
As long as hate doesn’t make a little wicca hut
inside your soul, Dolly, we cannot pass a judgment.
DOLLY
He looks like he’s just watched a child eat a
tarantula.
IGGY
Yeah, I am here you know.
AZACCA
So am I.
IGGY
Shouldn’t you be in a volcano teaching tai-chi?
AZACCA
I do not wish to turn your minds into spam, I just
wanted to tell you about this evening.
DOLLY
Do you know what spam is?
AZACCA
No. But here’s my plan: I met some ’blokes’ at the
base of Kilimanjaro who are fusing botany and music.
I have invited them to give a grass-themed concert
for us here tonight. A man known as Terry Wogan might
be attending.
DOLLY
Pretty sure he isn’t-
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.
IGGY
I knew this was coming, everywhere turns into a
nightclub eventually.
DOLLY
Or a coffee shop where the milk comes fresh from a
almond’s teat.
(BEAT)
AZACCA
The ’blokes’ will be here at one. And Remember, above
all...what?
FX: COCONUT SHELLS CLAPPED TOGETHER RHYTHMICALLY
IGGY & DOLLY
Coconut water.
EXT. GARDEN CENTRE
FX: OWL HOOTING AND CRICKETS CHIRPING
FX: LIGHTER FLINT BEING STRUCK
FX: INHALING OF CIGARETTE
FX: TIGHT DOOR BEING FORCED OPEN
IGGY
What you doing out here?
DOLLY
What does it look like, Steve the slave driver?
IGGY
I am well aware of the allocation of breaks, but
yours isn’t due for another...two and a half minutes.
DOLLY
It’s a mini break, innit.
IGGY
No, a mini break is when you go to Calais for the
weekend. Get inside Dolly Parton.
DOLLY
Let me just finish up here.
IGGY
Bind weed! The performers will be here soon. Have you
got the coconut water and the plant-calm plug ins?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.
DOLLY
I thought you were getting them?
IGGY
Great now we’ll have angry rockers and geraniums. The
plants aren’t used to cutting edge music. I only play
them a selection of singles from X-Factor finalists.
DOLLY
No wonder they’re going off on one every night,
they’ve been listening to liquefied Simon
Cowell...Just put them in the back, stick some Leona
Lewis on, they’ll be none the wiser.
IGGY
Alright, okay, yeah, good.
DOLLY
Iggy, have some of this. Your wrapped around yourself
like an eight strand loaf.
FX: IGGY COUGHING
DOLLY
Oh you absolute Sunday driver.
IGGY
My lungs have probably sealed up. I used to be a big
smoker back in the day.
DOLLY
What day was that? The 1800’s? They were wearing
codpieces when you were in your day.
FX: VAN PULLING UP AND DOOR SLIDING OPEN
DOLLY
Hey Iggy, who’s that there?
IGGY
Christ they’re here. Get inside and sort out the
Pteridophytes.
DOLLY
Them Pterido-fights, fight like Rocky Balboa.
IGGY
Indeed, they can pack more of a punch than any other
seedless, vascular plant.

6.
INT. CONCERT ROOM
FX: BASS BEING TUNED
PROMOTER
Nixon, can you play a C, fella?
FX: BASS PLAYING C
PROMOTER
Great, man. I think we’re good to go. Bring them in.
IGGY
Wait, what’s happening? The strobe the lasers! It’s
like a Jack Johnson concert.
FX: LOTS OF FOOTSTEPS AND CHATTER
PROMOTER (OVER A TANNOY)
Yes, just put that over there by the FX buffer, no
that’s the flanger. Ah, Jaquain, Talulah, Sanpeh,
welcome. Just go through to the back there.
IGGY
Sorry sir that’s off limits to civilians.
FX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT
BAND
Where’s our rider? All venues are required to provide
a decent rider for every band performing!
DOLLY
Here’s your rider!
FX: LIQUID THROWN OVER MAN
FX: TANOY TONE
Spillage on isle two.
PROMOTER
Damon to West wing.
BOUNCER
Hey, hey break it up!
DOLLY
Who are you? Why are you dressed like the pest
control man? Get your hands off me!
FX: WALKIE TALKIE TONE
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.
BOUNCER
Graham I need back up. Co-ordinates, 5-7-6-West wing.
Over.
FX: CABLE TIE BEING TIGHTENED
EXT. FRONT OF GARDEN CENTRE
FX: OWL HOOTING AND CRICKETS CHIRPING
IGGY
Well done Sid Vicious.
DOLLY
How can they kick us out of our own shop?
IGGY
Promoters have more power than the average man or
woman knows. They’re mysterious beings.
DOLLY
Are we going to die?
IGGY
At this point our fate lies with Graham the bouncer
man. So quite possibly. Dolly, you’ve got to be ready
for death at all hours of the day, it can creep up on
you-
DOLLY
Look there’s Zach. Zach, over here!
AZACCA
Oh my dear employees, have you been smited down by
mighty Zeus?
DOLLY
No. We’ve been kicked out because your band went coco
loco.
AZACCA
You forgot the coconut waters? No no, we must put
this right on the dusty path.
FX: PAPER BAG RUSTLING
DOLLY
I ain’t putting that bag over my head. This eyeliner
took four days to get the flick right. If it smudges
that’s ninety-six hours of my life I’ll not get
back.
FX: WALKIE TALKIE TONE
AZACCA
Graham?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.
IGGY (WHISPERING)
Dolly put the bag on.
FX: PAPER BAG RUSTLING
AZACCA
Vogue is coming, look out!
DOLLY
Really?!
AZACCA
No. It’s just Iggy’s wife, I’ll leave you young
people to it. Keep those bags on, eh?
IGGY
Not my wife.
IGGY (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE)
Oh God, even with this bag on she’ll know. She’ll
smell me out. Christ. This is the end. Goodbye mum,
sorry I never washed those mugs on the side, they
looked clean to me, but obviously they weren’t. Or
they’d be in the glass cabinet with the rest of the
clean mugs. Maybe she’s like a T-Rex, if I don’t move
I’ll be fine. Stop breathing you idiot.
THE WITCH
Iggy I know it’s you. I really don’t care, but I made
you a mix tape, or whatever. I put some chloroform
inside in case, I dunno you wanna breath it in so I
can read you my fan fiction, or whatever.
DOLLY
Hi Kathy! Hi!
IGGY
Come out your shed have you then?
THE WITCH
Ugh, It’s a chalet!
IGGY
Pardon?
THE WITCH
It’s a chalet not a shed.
IGGY
Ah. Well you see you may be wrong there, see chalets
usually start at twelve by ten meters, however
your...building...is a mere five by seven, which
technically means its a shed, not a chalet. Really
you could call it more of a large arbor.
FX: WITCH BREATHING HEAVILY
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.
THE WITCH
Bye.
IGGY (SARCASTICALLY)
See you!
FX: DISTANT SHED DOOR SLAMS SHUT
DOLLY
Love you!
IGGY
So eager. Like a chimp cracking open a peanut shell.
DOLLY
Monkeys don’t eat peanuts...
IGGY
It’s the principle, don’t get tricky with me, I’m
from Islington!
DOLLY
You’re the least hard person I’ve ever met.
IGGY
Leave it out! You shouldn’t be so quick to tie
yourself down. Once your down, you won’t ever get
back up.
DOLLY
What about you and Matilda?
IGGY
She’s just a friend.
DOLLY
I’ve seen you, under the banana plant.
IGGY
Did you put him in the back with the geraniums?
DOLLY
Yeah.
IGGY
Honey Fungus...He can unlock doors you twerp.
DOLLY
Well I didn’t know that, I don’t specialise in
tropics.
IGGY
Come on!
FX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT

10.
INT. CONCERT ROOM
FX: LOUD CHATTER WHICH SUBSIDES AS SOMEONE TAPS THE MIC
AZACCA (INTO MIC)
Welcome women and gentlemens. I would like to welcome
you with large welcomes, welcome.
(BEAT)
MAN IN CROWD
Why is he dressed like a yoga instructor?
AZACCA (INTO MIC)
Who said that? You need to shut your face sir,
kindly.
MAN IN CROWD
Come on then crop-top Carl!
FX: MAN JUMPING DOWN OFF STAGE
THE CROWD
Fight, fight, fight, fight...
FX: PUNCH & MAN FALLING TO FLOOR
AZACCA (OFF MIC)
Anyone else? Good. Ethel take over I need a spritzer.
FX: MIC FEEDBACK
Please put your stems together for Greenhouse Joe and
the potted sprigs! Woo!
FX: CROWD APPLAUDING
GREENHOUSE JOE
This is a ditty we like to call ’Weeds Remain’.
(laughs) Enjoy.
FX: BASSIST BEGINS LAYING DOWN THE FUNK
FX: MAN BEGINS ’GRASS-WHISTLING’ TO THE BEAT
GREENHOUSE JOE (TO THE BEAT OF THE WHO ’I CAN’T EXPLAIN’)
The feel outside...
BACKING SINGERS
Weeds remain...
GREENHOUSE JOE
A certain kind...
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.
BACKING SINGERS
Weeds remain...
GREENHOUSE JOE
Oh, I might have a cold...
BACKING SINGERS
Weeds remain...
GREENHOUSE JOE
I think I found my trowel, yeah...
BACKING SINGERS
Weeds remain...
FX: BASS AND ’GRASS-WHISTLING’
FX: FAINT SOUND OF POTS SMASHING
FX: DOOR BANGING OPEN
FX: PLANTS RUSTLING INTENSIFIES
IGGY
Bind weed, what was that?
DOLLY
I know right, they’re a bit overgrown aren’t they?
IGGY
I’m going to check the geraniums. I don’t trust you
as far as I can throw you.
DOLLY
You shouldn’t be throwing anyone with your back.
IGGY
Shut your face.
GREENHOUSE JOE
I said weeds remain, yeah!
FX: MAN DOES ’GRASS-WHISTLE’ SOLO
INT. BACK OF SHOP
FX: IGGY WALKING DOWN STAIRS
FX: UNLOCKING DOOR
IGGY (ECHOES)
Hello? (pause) Oh Gemima! I thought you were someone
else! How’s it going, bit dark, let me just-
FX: FLICK OF SWITCH THEN THE HUM OF FLOURECENT LIGHT
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.
FX: IGGY SCREAMS
INT. CONCERT ROOM
FX: AUDIECNCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING
Thanks Joe, that song made my heart crumble into
blackness.
GREENHOUSE JOE
Er, that’s not really what I was going-
Thanks Joe. Up next we have ’The Botanical Lips’ with
their song ’Soil Sin’!
FX: AUDIECNCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING
FX: DOOR BANGING OPEN
FX: CROWD GASPS
GREENHOUSE JOE
Oh God, no! Not my selection of grass instruments!
FX: GUITAR STRINGS BEING BROKEN
FX: GREENHOUSE JOE SCREAMS
Please welcome a newcomer act, The progressive
Geraniums. By far the best act of the night.
FX: GREENHOUSE JOE WHIMPERS
THE BOTANICAL LIPS
Come on, girls! We need those amps! Gabby, toss me
the secateurs!
FX: THEY RUN ON STAGE
THE BOTANICAL LIPS
Die vegetable voodoo!
FX: SNIPPING OF LEAVES
THE WITCH
The Botanical Lips are now demonstrating their
topiary flair. Go girls!
FX: WOMAN SCREAMING
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.
AZACCA
Go my pretties! Destroy the haters!
FX: MANIACAL LAUGHTER
DOLLY
The blood, the sap.
FX: IGGY PANTING
IGGY (OUT OF BREATH)
Dolly! The geraniums broke free, we’ve got to get
everyone out, immediately we...oh fungus!
DOLLY
So much blood.
FX: PLANTS GROWLING ANGRILY
IGGY
Stay with me! Honey fungus, honey fungus, extensive
honey fungus. I’ve got an idea, get on stage Dolly!
DOLLY
Blood...on the steps, blood on the walls...
IGGY
You’ve wanted to be the front woman of the greatest
band in the history of Metal-poetry for as long as
I’ve known you! It’s your time to shine!
DOLLY
Like a belt buckle?
IGGY
Sure!
FX: MIC FEEDBACK, AMPS TURNING ON ETC.
FX: CASSETTE TAPE PUT INTO PLAYER
IGGY
Kathy, you better be good at mixing.
FX: THE TAPE PLAYS : IRON MAIDEN (KARAOKE VERSION)
THE WITCH (RECORDING)
Iggy, you know I don’t like you, I just love you.
FX: DOLLY CLEARS HER THROAT
DOLLY (TALKING, VOICE CROAKY)
I got up this morn
Put on my shoe
tied up my shoe
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.
then I shot the bat in my ear
with a sixty-nine
pistol
FX: PLANTS GROWL CURIOUSLY
DOLLY (SINGING AS THE BEAT COMES IN)
Peasant pheasants
we don’t need to feed them
cheese sandwiches in Waitrose bags
FX: PLANTS HUM WITH BEAT
DOLLY (CON’T)
tall mountain legs
on ladies’ frames
carpet tapestry weavers’
threads creep into sheaves
ears of corn
cows with toes
I’m nobody, who are you?
FX: PLANTS ALMOST SING, REPEATING RANDOM WORDS
FERNS
Legs...frames...ears...toes...tapestry...
AZACCA
How is she capturing the geraiums’ furry eyes like
that?
IGGY
She’s the best heavy rock poet I know.
FX: CROWD BEGIN TO BOO DOLLY
CROWD MEMBERS
Get off, Charles Dickens!
IGGY
He wasn’t even a poet!
CROWD MEMBERS
He wrote that one poem about Green Ivy!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.
IGGY
Okay fine, but you’re terrible at heckling!
FX: CROWD CONTINUE TO BOO
FX: PLANTS GROWLING ANGRILY, THEY GET LOUDER AND LOUDER
FX: FRANTIC RUSTLING
IGGY
Dolly!
DOLLY
I’m nobody, nobody, nobody!
Mummy? Daddy?
You ordered take-away
It was too much to eat
Why did you eat it all?
Spring roll murder
Noodle kimosabe
Now what are you?
You’re pigs!
Pigs!
Pigs!
Pigs!
FX: BOOING INTENSIFIES
FX: PLANTS RUSTLE AND POTS SMASH
FX: LOUD CHEWING
GRAMS: A RECORD NEEDLE SWIPE SOUNDS THE END OF THE MUSIC
IGGY
I’m not hoovering this.
INT. CONCERT ROOM
(IGGY & DOLLY ARE CLOSING THE SHOP UP)
FX: LOUD HOOVER THEN DIES DOWN
DOLLY
I feel like that went okay for my first gig.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.
IGGY
Really? Everyone was massacred horrifically by the
psychotic geraniums. You call that a good gig?
DOLLY
Well I’ve got nothing to compare it to.
IGGY
Be quiet please.
DOLLY
I’m just saying. I feel good about it.
IGGY
Okay. Is everything finished your end?
DOLLY
Yeah. I got most of the stains out.
IGGY
Right, get out then, I want to lock up and submit the
stock check.
FX: JACKET ZIPPER
FX: DOOR SHUTTING AND BEING LOCKED
DOLLY
See you tomorrow, Iggy.
IGGY
See you in Hell.
(END SONG & CREDITS)
EPISODE TWO - A LILT’ASTE OF
PARADISE
INT. Witch’s Cabin (Shed)
FX: BUBBLING OF CAULDRON
THE WITCH
Oh I hate you so much. I must have you. I must. But
whatever, I don’t even care. You’re so gross with
your shorts and knee socks, I just want to rip them
off with my teeth and don’t stop until I reach your
THE WITCH
Shut up mother! You absolute kill joy, ugh, I was so
totally riffing a new spell just then.
FX: THINGS PLOPPING INTO THE CAULDRON, FIZZING AND
SPARKING
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.
THE WITCH
Bring me that can. Now!
FX: BUSHES RUSTLING AND WOODEN LEG WALKING ON FLOOR
FX: CAN BEING OPENED
FX: SNIFFING
THE WITCH
He’ll never tell, the grapefruit masks it perfectly.
GRAMS: XYLOPHONE CHIMING 5 TIMES
THE WITCH
Ughhhhh, just shuuuuutt uppppp. You’re totally
controlling my freaking life! If I want to drug a
cute boy, I’ll do it!
FX: LATCH LIFTING
THE WITCH
I’ll be back late. Don’t wait up.
FX: XYLOPHONE CHIMING THREE TIMES
THE WITCH
No, you’re off slug pellets. I’m not picking you up
off the floor at 5 am.
FX: GLOCKENSPIEL CHIMES TWICE
THE WITCH (CON’T) (SARCASTIC)
Ugh, I love you too.
FX: WOODEN DOOR SLAMMING, BUT BOUNCING OPEN AGAIN
THE WITCH (CON’T)
Ugh, this dooooor!
FX: XYLOPHONE CHIMES QUICKLY
THE WITCH (CON’T)
It’s not a shed! It’s a chalet!
SOUND: OUTSIDE NIGHT-TIME NOISES, OWLS HOOTING, CRICKETS,
DOGS HOWLING ETC.
SOUND: LIFTING OF A SHED DOOR LATCH AND PULLING IT SHUT,
THE LATCH DROPS

18.
INT. GARDEN CENTRE
GRAMS: CHEESY SUPERMARKET MUSIC (CONTINUES THROUGHOUT
SCENE)
GRAMS: TANNOY TONE
ETHEL TANNOY LADY
Welcome to The Dark Side of the Moss, where there’s
oodles of deals and bundles of bargains. Tonight we
have a two for one on the spring favourite, the Naked
Man Orchid, as well as a BOGOF special on the very
lovely Voodoo Lily. (The Dark Side takes no
responsibility for any plant’s actions after
purchase) All lost children can be found in the
Corpse Flower enclosure, if they are not claimed by
the end of the day they will be digested. Thank you.
GRAMS: TANNOY TONE
FX: CLOCK TICKING
FX: PAGES TURNING
IGGY
Late again, Dolly
DOLLY
It’s only Five past, like!
IGGY
Five past what?
DOLLY
...Five past one.
IGGY
What time do we commence preliminary stocking?
DOLLY
Twelve...
IGGY
Get your special brew and jolly on to cacti pit.
Don’t take pickle in there again please, they dislike
the cuboid structure.
FX: KICKS VENDING MACHINE
FX: A CAN ROLLS OUT AND IS CRACKED OPEN, FIZZING.
DOLLY
What you reading then?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.
IGGY
None of your Gawdon Bennets, alright.
DOLLY
Is this about the business at the bus stop?
IGGY
Apples and pears, Dolly, pears and apples.
DOLLY
That bald bloke said you needed a punch. You took
pity on him.
IGGY
Well that’s behind me now.
DOLLY
You gave him your pleather glove.
IGGY
He looked a bit cold. He was shaking like crisp
packet in the wind.
DOLLY
Yeah, shaking with rage.
IGGY
Well...-
DOLLY
You don’t give someone who looks like they’ve done
time a fake leather glove. It’s the universal rule.
IGGY
Well, with the help of Mr Tidballs, next time I see
him he’ll be sorry he ever crossed this parsley
preserver.
DOLLY
You’re not a Lemsip sachet, you can’t just add words
and become a ruffian.
IGGY
If you’d give me a minute’s peace then I might have a
chance.
DOLLY
Give it a rest, I bet you couldn’t even take me on,
you Ryvita cockroach.
IGGY
I bet I could shrub McGee.
SOUND: BACK DOOR SWINGS OPEN
SOUND: OUTSIDE NIGHT-TIME NOISES, OWLS HOOTING, CRICKETS,
DOGS HOWLING ETC.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.
IGGY
What’s going on now?
FX: WHISTLING WIND LOUD AND STOPS ABRUPTLY
THE WITCH
Hi Iggy.
FX: IGGY SCREAMS
FX: CAN FALLING TO THE GROUND
IGGY
That was my first Lilt of the night, thanks.
THE WITCH (SARCASTIC)
Lol, I’m sorry.
IGGY
You’re lucky I’ve got another one in here.
FX: POTS AND PANS CLANKING AND BOTTLES CLINKING
THE WITCH
Try this one. Or don’t, ugh.
IGGY
Has it been disinfected?
THE WITCH
Ninety percent chlorine dioxide or whatever.
IGGY
Quarantined for thirty-five hours?
THE WITCH
Ugh, forty hours.
IGGY
Has it-
FX: IGGY WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY
THE WITCH
*sighs* yes.
IGGY
I need to perform a personal examination.
FX: CAN OPENED AND BEING SNIFFED
IGGY
The organic contaminants seem to have been removed
and the toxic ions are hardly present. In short, a
Lilt’aste of paradise.
FX: GULPING DOWN OF DRINK
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.
DOLLY
I think there was a fly in there, Iggy.
FX: SPITTING OUT OF LIQUID & COUGHING
DOLLY
No one messes with shrub McGee. Peace out. (whispers)
Love you Cathy.
FX: TRAP DOOR UNLOCKED AND OPENED
FX: COUGHING AND HEAVY BREATHING
IGGY
Oh Christ, I think there was a spare ion in there. Oh
passing out. Oh knot weed. Going,
going...going...going, gone. (pause) No. Not yet.
Now.
FX: BODY HITTING FLOOR
INT. GARDEN CENTRE
(IGGY’S FLASHBACK TO HIS CHILDHOOD. HIS VOICE
ECHOES AROUND THE EMPTY SPACE)
IGGY
Oh, Christ. Where am I? What’s happening? I can’t
feel my legs! NOOO! Oh wait no they’re here. (pause)
What is this obscure place, so cold, so deserted, yet
so familiar. Hello?
MOTHER
Iggy?! Iggy where are you! Micheal come on we have to
find him!
MICHEAL
He’s probably inside a compost bag somewhere. Man,
he’s so small, we may as well be looking for a
cabbage seed.
IGGY
Mamma? Pappa I’m down here!
MOTHER
I can’t see him! Iggy?
IGGY
Just turn around I’m here! I’m behind you! Mama!
MOTHER
I’ve got your Lilt my lil’ Iggy! Come out for your
Lilt’aste of paradise, darling!
SOUND: OPENING OF A CAN
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.
MOTHER
There! I swear I heard something moving over by the
geraniums. Come on Michel.
MICHEAL
Man, alright, give me the can.
SOUND: POURING OF LIQUID ONTO FLOOR
MOTHER
Micheal! That was the last one!
MICHEAL
He’s going to have to come back now, he can lap it up
from between the cobbles.
MOTHER
Can you be any more obvious Micheal?
MICHEAL
I’m not trying to be. It’s just who I am.
MOTHER
We both know you wanted a pug not a son.
MICHEAL
I have no idea what you mean-
MOTHER
Your desktop wallpaper is Iggy’s body with a pug’s
face. I saw you messing around on Photoshop.
MICHEAL
Lies. All Lies. But if you’re going to treat me like
this I’m leaving. If you need me I’ll be at a
non-descript building, where they may or may not sell
pugs. Bye.
SOUND: DOOR TINKLING
SOUND: ENGINE REVVING AND SKIDDING OFF
IGGY
Pappa!
MOTHER
Oh Iggy, where are you?
IGGY
Mamma!

23.
INT. WITCH’S CABIN
(THE FLASHBACK ENDS, IGGY WAKES IN A SMALL SHED)
GRAMS: XYLOPHONE CHIMES QUICKLY
IGGY
Mamma?
GRAMS: XYLOPHONE CHIMES QUICKLY
IGGY
Christ!
FX: POTION BUBBLING, FIRE CRACKLING
FX: HEELS ON STONE
THE WITCH
He has awoken!
IGGY
Untie me witch!
GRAMS: DUCT TAPE SQUEAKING
THE WITCH
You will see this is all for our own good.
IGGY
Our?
THE WITCH
Yeah, well like, it’s really stupid but I have this
stupid crush on you, I guess.
IGGY
But I’m fifteen years older than you!
THE WITCH
That’s what you think.
IGGY
No it’s not, I know your mum, she comes in for
hickory pupas.
THE WITCH
She’s an imposter! My mother’s in this shed.
(BEAT)
IGGY
Me?
THE WITCH
Not you. The bush...
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.
IGGY
Oh. Nice-to-meet-you?
FX: GLOCKENSPIEL CHIMES TWICE
IGGY
What are you going to do to me, witch?
THE WITCH
This.
FX: HEAVY BOOK SLAMS ONTO TABLE
IGGY
A 1985 re-release of Gone With The Wind?
THE WITCH
A SIGNED 1985 re-release of Gone With The Wind.
IGGY
Sweet honey fungus, thats a two-hundred and
thirty-four minute film, not including crisps
and bathroom breaks! You can’t do this!
THE WITCH
Yes I can! And if I don’t see tears when Rhett
leaves, I’ll replace your vital organs with copies of
The Notebook.
IGGY
You scoundrel! I’m the linchpin of that garden
centre. Ho ho, what thunder will descend on your
tight bootlaces when Dolly realises I’m missing!
IGGY(SHOUTS)
DOLLY!!
INT. GARDEN CENTRE
FX: THUNDER AND RAIN OUTSIDE
GRAMS: LOUD ROCK MUSIC (THUNDERSTRUCK AC/DC)
FX: SNIPPING OF SECATEURS ON BEAT
DOLLY (SEMI-SINGING)
I was caught
In the middle of dead-heading
I looked round
And I knew there was no loam at all
My mind raced
And I thought where did it go?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.
And I knew
It was in the, in the green-house.
GRAMS: THE DRUMS KICK IN
DOLLY (SEMI-SINGING)
Sound of the rain
Beatin’ on the fern
The thunder of spores
Tore it apart
The loam was (drums) thunderstruck.
GRAMS: DOLLY SINGING A GUITAR SOLO
FX: CLICK OF CASSETTE PLAYER
DOLLY
Who’s there?
FX: THUNDER AND CRASH OF LIGHTNING
DOLLY
Feels like something’s missing...
FX: MICROWAVE DINGS
DOLLY (CON’T)
Its someone not something! Of course, we haven’t seen
Azacca this episode have we? Zach you’re on!
FX: MIC PLUGGED IN, HEADPHONES PUT ON
VOICE: AZACCA CLEARS HIS THROAT
AZACCA
Am I on?
DIRECTOR (OFF MIC)
Yep fire away boss. Que shop door.
AZACCA
Dolly! My favourite employ-ess! Even though you are
my only employ-ess you are still the best one out of
the many. How is the rock and rolling lifestyles
treating you?
DOLLY
It’s alright yeah, ups downs though as you can expect
with any creative pathway. Good job the government is
funneling less dollar into it really, could do with a
few less bob heads in the waters, like.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.
AZACCA
Ah yes, but you will always work in my place. Your
destiny is, how you say, here.
GRAMS: CHIMES
DOLLY
I still feel like something’s missing, like.
AZACCA
Ah yes, something is missing! Should I rather say,
someone. This guy! He will say the deals of the days.
He is smart little man.
ROBOT TOY
The deals are: two-for-one Scalamander roots with one
free trowel of potting compost for two ninety-nine. A
sprawling front-lawn trellis in the shade "bagel". A-
AZACCA
Okay, shut up now, please kindly.
FX: BANGING OF METAL, THE VOICE FADES AWAY
DOLLY
What about Ethel?
AZACCA
Ho ho ho, oh Dolly, you silly guava! She is not real,
she lives inside the PA system. She is the ghost of
the nightly announcements.
DOLLY
What do they do in the day time then?
AZACCA
They play Leona Lewis through her.
DOLLY
What fresh Hell.
AZACCA
Ho ho, exactly.
(BEAT)
DOLLY
I really still can’t shake this feeling.
AZACCA
Ethel is up to her old tricks again then. They sell
very good creams in Boots for-
DOLLY
Something’s missing Zach!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.
AZACCA
We still have the till, and the quids, what else is
important to us?
DOLLY
The plants are all free. The cleaner’s in the
cupboard. I counted all the poisonous spiders,
four-hundred as always, well since the attack in 96’.
Beaver teeth, Iggy would know.
FX: MICROWAVE DINGS
FX: BUBBLING OF CAULDRON
FX: RUBBER STRETCHING
THE WITCH
Remember this guy? I bought him from you, but I
modified it with some belt buckles so you can’t
escape until the movie is over. Well, or until you
die of enjoyment, ha ha like a real sleepover.
FX: XYLOPHONE CHIMES
THE WITCH (CON’T)
Shhh, we won’t be up late. Ugh. We’ll keep the noise
down.
IGGY
No we won’t, la la la la! Don’t let her do this!
THE WITCH
Shush! Ugh.
FX: DUCT TAPE PULLED OUT AND CUT
THE WITCH (CON’T)
let us begin.
FX: REMOTE CLICKS
GRAMS: 30S MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY
THE WITCH
Now she’s gone we can get down to business.
GRAMS: IGGY MUMBLING THROUGH TAPE
THE WITCH (CON’T)
What? Speak up! Ugh, you may be beautiful but you’re
so not attractive as a dumb.
FX: TAPE RIPPING OFF
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.
IGGY
Why is your mother a bush?
THE WITCH
Shrub. She’s a shrub. Don’t generalise.
IGGY
I have little knowledge of animals in my defense.
THE WITCH
I was training in The Catford Academy, let’s just say
I wasn’t one of the IT wiccans. The other girls said
I lived in a shed, but it was definitely a chalet
slash large cabin. I knew that but they didn’t.(fade
out)
IGGY(TO MIC)
Come on Iggy think, rattle your parsley-preserving
brain. Knot weed! She’s got me boxed in like Ikea
furniture. Perhaps if I multiply the square foot of
the shed by the growth rate of that grappling
verbena, I could make my escape in under twelve and a
half minutes. Ha ha!
FX: WATCH TICKING
IGGY(TO MIC)
Dividing the film run-time, there should be five
minutes until the next wee-wee and crisp break. That
should provide ample time to execute my plans. Ha ha,
she thinks she’s coddled my biscuits, but this
Islington bitch is gonna outsmart that teen witch.
Iggy you natural cockney, you nailed that rhyme to
the wall. That’s right, I’ll be out of here in no-
FX: REMOTE CLICKS
THE WITCH
Oi, are you listening to me?
IGGY
Yeah, so interesting your story is so...inspiring.
THE WITCH
Really? Cos you’ve been saying wee-wee over and over
for the last ten minutes.
(BEAT)
THE WITCH (LAUGHING)
You’d better go before you waz yourself, like.
FX: UNBUCKLING OF STRAPS
IGGY
But the designated break isn’t for another five
minutes.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.
THE WITCH
Have a mini break then!
FX: FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD
IGGY (TO MIC)
Iggy this is your chance!
FX: DOOR CLOSING AND LOCKING
IGGY (TO MIC)
Right, knot weed there’s no window. Ha! it is a shed,
all chalets are required to- stay on track Iggy.
There’s nothing. Maybe we can bludgeon her with this.
Fine that’s the best we can do.
THE WITCH (OFF MIC)
Iggy!
IGGY
Coming!
INT. BASEMENT
DOLLY
You sure you checked the toilet? I found him in there
once clinging to the shower curtain, shaking like a
Shrubby Ragwort.
AZACCA
I checked under the toilet seat and inside the tapas,
he was not there.
FX: DOOR UNBOLTING AND SQUEAKING OPEN
AZACCA
Are you madness? That’s a lashing whorl-grass,
Catabrosa Aquatica!
FX: WHIP LASHING
FX: SECATEURS CUTTING ROPE
DOLLY
Go on Nigel, let’s go and rescue Iggy the Idiot.
AZACCA
I think, I will, leave myself at home for this one.
Check the rain.
DOLLY
Just give him the scent then Granddad.
FX: ZIPPER
FX: DRILLING INTO AIR
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 30.
AZACCA
No please! Not my Caribbeans! Have mercys.
FX: DRILL DYING DOWN
DOLLY
What you doing! I said give him the scent, not your
scent. You’re aggravating the Aquatica.
AZACCA
I cannot tell what is on top of your head if you do
not tell me in the plain English.
FX: ZIPPER
DOLLY
Give him the Lilt.
FX: CAN CLICKING
FX: WHIP LASHING RHYTHMICALLY
DOLLY
Drive on Nige.
FX: DOOR UNLOCKING AND OPENING
FX: SLOW FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD
FX: HEART BEAT (INCREASING TO A CRECENDO)
THE WITCH
Ah ha! A toilet brush? Ha ha, that’s well funny,
O-M-G. Were you going to bludgeon me with that?
Priceless, oh don’t I’m crying! You’re so white.
IGGY
I’m from Islington!
THE WITCH
Where, Buckinghamshire Road? I thought I was
despirate for attention.
(BEAT)
IGGY
What?
THE WITCH
You heard nothing.
IGGY
Is this the first time anyone’s been in here?
FX: FLIES BUZZING
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.
FX: DRIPPING WATER
THE WITCH
I’ve had guests, a toad came in once. A man with
beers in a carrier bag came in and then ran out.
IGGY
I’m sorry, but you don’t drug people’s Lilt just to
get them to watch a movie with you. Only a psycho
would ruin the paradise taste.
THE WITCH
You wouldn’t have come if I didn’t, would you, like?
IGGY
Give me a selection of 2009 Gardener’s World and I’ll
stay all week.
THE WITCH
You’d do that? For me? Whatever.
IGGY
As it happens I carry episode one season one on my
person at all times. We’ll start you off with the
weekend jobs segment.
GRAMS: GARDENERS WORLD INTRO SONG
FX: WHIP LASHING RHYTHMICALLY
DOLLY
Weird, we seem to be going to Cathy’s. I bet she
could use her botanical wiccan skills to find him
with her mind. Er Nige, chill out fella. Nigel!
Nigelllll!
FX: GLASS BREAKING AND WOOD SNAPPING
IGGY (SNIFFING)
Dolly? Nigel!
DOLLY
Iggy what you crying for?
IGGY (SNIFFING)
Monty’s cutting back his Pelegonias.
THE WITCH & DOLLY
You’re so white.
FX: THEY ALL LAUGH
(END CREDITS & THEME)

32.
EPISODE THREE - "SOIL"
INT. GARDEN CENTRE
FX: CHEESY SUPERMARKET MUSIC (CONTINUES THROUGHOUT SCENE)
FX: TANOY TONE
Welcome to The Dark Side of the Moss, the hippest
store for all your botanical and trellis needs. Big
big biiiiig deals only available tonight, from
midnight to five AM. Save two percent on all marble
design trellises (while stocks last). Also save five
point one percent on DIY hanging baskets (basket not
included). We would like to remind all parents that
the lost children enclosure has been moved to the
man-eating crab apple orchard, and so children will
only be kept for a limit of two hours before being
consumed. Have a wonderful night and remember to
(voice deepens) SHOP SHOP SHOP.
FX: TANOY TONE
FX: KEYS JINGLING, UNLOCKING DOOR, SQUEAKS OPEN
IGGY
Alright Ethel?
FX: TANOY TONE
Welcome to The Dark Side of the Moss...
IGGY
Thanks, there’s no customers yet.
FX: TANOY TONE SWITCHED OFF AND ETHEL’S VOICE DIES AWAY
FX: SHUTTERS BEING PULLED DOWN OVER WINDOWS
IGGY (TO MIC)
At least she’s always on time. I blame the rock and
roll industry, Kieth, Mick, Rod...we open thirty
minutes after regulation because you. Robert Plant is
another kettle of fish however-
DOLLY
Hi Iggy!
FX: IGGY SCREAMS
IGGY
Don’t make a man jump out of his snapdragons! How did
you get here so early?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 33.
DOLLY
Hey, I can get places on time. People never take me
serious when I’m early so I just don’t do it.
IGGY
Okay...Well I’m glad to see my tutoring is beginning
to take effect.
DOLLY
A package came.
IGGY
Bring it to the inspection shelf.
FX: LARGE BOX DROPPED FROM A HEIGHT
IGGY
Thanks Chewbacca, is your idea of "fragile" smash the
living daylights out of the contents?
DOLLY
Sorry.
IGGY
Delivery address :"SOIL".
FX: BALLPOINT ON PAPER
DOLLY
Is that it?
IGGY
Dolly, I read 10 books a day, not including journals,
postcards and a variety of ingredient lists. I think
I can read an address label.
DOLLY
What’s that part then Ian McEwan?
IGGY
"Catford’s only 24 hour bespoke Garden outlet".
DOLLY
What does that mean?
IGGY
It means, Dolly, that what we feared most has finally
come to pass. Competion.
DOLLY
What are we going to do?
IGGY
Set this straight.
FX: TYPING ON KEYBOARD
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 34.
DOLLY
Does that thing still work?
IGGY
Have faith, I was raised on Windows 98’, I understand
their complex language.
FX: MODEM BOOTING UP
FX: TAPE RIPPING OFF BOX
DOLLY
Sarcococca! All the plants are in tiny glass prisons,
Iggy!
IGGY
What? Give it to me.
FX: GLASS SHATTERING
IGGY
There, you are free my child.
FX: RATTLE SNAKE TAIL
(cont’d)
Speak slower!
FX: RATTLE SLOWING
IGGY
Mhhmm, ah yes I see. Do you know the perpitrators
location?
FX: CRAYON ON PAPER
DOLLY
That’s where Blockbuster was!
IGGY (SARCASTIC)
Oh no! Where are we meant to get extrodinarily short
movie rentals for extortinate prices now?
DOLLY
Stop playing to the audience’s pet peves Iggy. I saw
you in there every Friday night getting out back
episodes of "The Private Life of Plants".
IGGY
I think I’d better go and give them back their
delivery, as it is against section eighteen of the
sales of legal tender act. Bye.
FX: RUNNING FEET

35.
EXT. "SOIL"
IGGY (TO MIC)
I’m going to give these tykes a piece of my mind. No
plants are going to be mistreated on my watch, no
sire. Ah at least they have a doorbell.
GRAMS: DOORBELL - FIRST 4 SECONDS OF "THIS CHARMING MAN"
IGGY
Hmm
GRAMS: DOORBELL PRESSED REPEATEDLY - REPEATS THE FIRST 1
SECOND OF THE SONG 3 TIMES BEFORE PLAYING THE WHOLE 4
SECONDS AGAIN
ATTICUS
Yo, yo dude. Chill don’t be hanging out at the
doorbell all day.
IGGY
Well...dude, maybe you should make sure your tiny
torture chambers are delivered to the right address.
ATTICUS
Your outfit is pretty retro bro, I’m so not mad at
those cord shorts. BECKETT!
BECKETT(OFF MIC)
Hey, let’s go see who’s at the door.
FX: ROLLER BLADES ON WOOD FLOOR
BECKETT
O-M-G! You guys, the lightbulb terariums have come.
Hold on I have to snapchat this. Delivery man stand
there and smile.
IGGY
I’m not- oh okay then if you insist.
FX: CAMERA SHUTTERS CLOSING
GRAMS: 5 SECONDS OF "VOGUE" BY MADDONNA
BECKETT
Oooh, aahh! Your face is so flawed I love it! So
original.
GRAMS: THE SONG WINDS DOWN
IGGY
I’ll be leaving now.
FX: GLASS CLINKING WITHIN BOX
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 36.
ATTICUS
Wow, dude, who are you?
IGGY
I’m your worst nightmare.
(BEAT)
BECKETT
Who?
IGGY
I’m from the- the other garden centre down the road.
The one next to the Budgeons?
BECKETT
Oh.
ATTICUS
There’s more garden centres in Catford? My mind is
blown. Well I guess we’ll see you guys tomorrow night
then?
IGGY
Tomorrow night?
BECKETT
Yah, it’s only the biggest showcase for growers
across the country. I have to say, I have a sneaky
feeling we’re going to win the best bespoke seller
award. After all we’re open 24 hours a day, how could
we not?
FX: GLASS CLINKING THEN HITTING THE FLOOR, SHATTERING
FX: RUNNING FEET
INT. THE DARK SIDE
FX: SHOP DOOR TINKLES RAPIDLY, THE BELL FALLS TO THE
GROUND
DOLLY
Oi! What happened?
IGGY
It was hell Dolly! They were so, so...Hip.
FX: DOLLY GASPS
FX: RATTLE SNAKE TAIL
IGGY
I’m okay, I’m okay.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 37.
DOLLY
Drink this.
IGGY
You’re right there’s no point in living, hand me the
poison!
DOLLY
It’s just Lilt.
IGGY
Oh.
FX: OPENING A CAN
IGGY
They’re going to this midnight fayre tomorrow night,
but they’re so present online, how are we meant to
compete? The garden centre is going to close and be
eclipsed by tattooed men with a succulent fetish.
This is the end.
DOLLY
Don’t worry yourself you shrub, we’ve got something
better than online presence, we’ve got Richard.
IGGY
I fail to see how the owner of Virgin is going to
help-
DOLLY
No the Dicksonia Sellowiana, I’ve been training up in
the basement. He’s the size of an inflatable adult
water slide.
IGGY
We need five plants to enter though.
DOLLY
Well we can’t take the ferns, they’re still in rehab,
the Wysteria sisters just finished designing their
Spring/Summer collection so we could get them
involved? Thistle Willie’s off the bottle now so we
could bribe him in with some Becks Blue. To complete
the Dark Side crew, how about that artist shrub,
Banksia?
IGGY
Dolly, he’s never been seen. His pods are too
controvertial.
DOLLY
Fine, Robert Gunningham, whatever he’s called these
days. Right, thats sorted, now you.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 38.
IGGY
What about me?
DOLLY
Well we need to look like a unit.
IGGY
I’ve got a strong look here.
DOLLY
Cordouroy shorts and burkenstocks in the 21st
century? No one needs that in their memory
drawer. Why do your socks have braces?
IGGY
Are you referring to my sock suspenders?
DOLLY
Put this on.
IGGY
What’s this ribbon at the back?
DOLLY
They didn’t have any men ones on the site I used,
like. Just suck it up Homes.
FX: RUSTLING OF FABRIC
DOLLY
Turn round’, I’ll do the back up. Breath in.
FX: IGGY GASPING
FX: RIBBON PULLED TIGHT, CREEKING OF METAL BONING
DOLLY
Oh, very...nice. At least we look like a team.
IGGY (OUT OF BREATH)
Where’s yours?
DOLLY
Here.
FX: QUICK ZIPPING AND PULLING OF RIBBONS
FX: MICROWAVE DINGS
DOLLY
Ready.

39.
INT. GARDEN GAMES
FX: BUSTLING CHATTER WITH BIRDS, BEES AND GENERAL PLANTS
RUSTLING
IGGY
Look at this, all these rare species!
DOLLY
Alright Atenbrough, chill your boots. Lets go sign
some parchment so we can get some free cold meats.
FX: WALKING ON DIRT
IGGY
The attention to detail. They’ve even thrown a carpet
of manure down. I’m taking some home, open your
pocket.
DOLLY
You’re not putting turd in my pocket, sonny.
IGGY
Just a handfull, purely for scientific purposes.
DOLLY
You’re not going to carry it around and ask customers
to get a whif of it like last time then?
IGGY
No.
(BEAT)
FX: POSH WOMEN CHATTERING
POSH WOMAN 1
What are you doing, you strange little man. Security!
POSH WOMAN 2
Oh, quite.
DOLLY
Sorry, we’re The Dark Side of the Moss. Entering into
the back-garden mele?
POSH WOMAN 1
I see, Gavin, false alarm, just another manure
enthusiast. Sign here please.
IGGY
Where? Here?
POSH WOMAN 1
Oh not you, oh.
FX: BALLPOINT ON PAPER
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 40.
POSH WOMAN 1
Potting sheds to the left, complete with a selection
of mulch.
POSH WOMAN 2
Quite, Mulch.
FX: FOOTSTEPS ON DIRT
DOLLY
Thanks.
IGGY (TO MIC)
Hags.
BECKETT
Oh and look who it is everyone, The Dark Side of the
gross, he he.
DOLLY
Who are you talking to?
BECKETT
SOIL’s millions of loyal followers, subscribers,
grammers and Twitterers.
DOLLY
I thought that was when you watch birds from far away
through a tube?
IGGY
You think you know more about things than we do, well
you’re wrong. Mostly.
DOLLY
Yeah, we’re gonna take you to the cleaners tonight
you prize pansy.
BECKETT
He he, did you guys hear that? I think that’s a
challenge don’t you?
IGGY
Um, yeah it is a challenge. If we win you have to
leave Catford forever.
DOLLY
And free all the plants you hold captive in
lightbulbs!
BECKETT
Fine, but if we win, you have to come and work for
us.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 41.
IGGY
But without us there is no night shift!
BECKETT (LAUGHING)
That was my intention. It was clear right? My
intention is to shut down your niche night shift,
therefore meaning that your pityful garden centre
becomes nothing more than a souless chain store.
IGGY
NOOOOOOOOO!
BECKETT (OFF MIC)
Hit subscribe if you liked this...
DOLLY
How can you roller blade on manure?
INT. POTTING SHED 11
FX: SHED DOOR OPENS AND LATCH DROPS
FX: LEAVES RUSTLING AND THE SOUND OF SCRATCHING ON WOOD
IGGY
Well that’s the last one. What? You know I wee like
sea buscuit when I’m being stretched like an old
elastic band.
DOLLY
I didn’t say anything, like. You do you.
IGGY
How’re the troops?
DOLLY
Well, the sisters are redecorating, Willie’s gone to
the bar and Banksy, I mean Robert Gunningham, is
scratching a controvertial message into the wall
about consumerism. Iggy, do you even know what the
games are about?
IGGY
Of course, its er um-
FX: ROLLER BLADES ON WOOD FLOOR, SKIDDING TO A STOP
ATTICUS
Pissssst. Pissst!
DOLLY
Hey, this dingle berry is perving on our Wysteria.
Shall I thrash him Ig? Just say the word!
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 42.
ATTICUS
No no, friend! Friend! I’m here to help you.
IGGY
Speak, peasant.
ATTICUS
So you know the games change every year?
IGGY & DOLLY
Yes.
ATTICUS
Well, I just over heard some old hags talking about
how savage this year is going to be. I snuck into the
arena and it looks like a Rammstein concert.
IGGY
Who?
ATTICUS
Exactly. It sounds like they’re pitting our plants
against each other, literally.
IGGY
Bind weed! I knew something was going on, there were
men wearing loin cloths in the loo.
ATTICUS
Look, man, I better split, I told Beckett I was going
to get sushi for him to put on Insta. Laters.
IGGY
This really is the end, did you bring the poison?
DOLLY
No. I never had any poison Iggy, stop this talk, you
know what we need?
IGGY
Not a training mon-
DOLLY
A training montage.
FX: SHED DOOR OPENS AND LATCH DROPS
AZACCA
Ey, ey ey! Did someone say training montage?
IGGY
Do you have a life?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 43.
AZACCA
Of course, my children and wife live in killamonjaro.
DOLLY
Fair.
IGGY
Am I the only sane one around here?
AZACCA
Says the man in a woman’s breast holder...You need
training my fellows. You are not ready salted for the
harsh Gardening Games. I will train these pathetic
piles of cuttings into killers.
IGGY
Killers?!
DOLLY
Training montage!
IGGY
No, d-
GRAMS: EYE OF THE TIGER INSTRUMENTAL
IGGY
No, stop, stop the music.
GRAMS: DOLLY SINGS ALONG WITH THE BEAT
IGGY
His branch doesn’t go that way!
AZACCA
Put your root on my spine. Now clap.
FX: CLAPPING
AZACCA
Play this.
FX: BASS STRUMMING
AZACCA
Stop! Eat the toast!
FX: CRUNCHING OF TOAST
AZACCA
Drop and give me four!
FX: LEAVES RUSTLING AND SOUND OF VOICES STRAINING
GRAMS: THE SONG WINDS DOWN
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 44.
AZACCA
You are ready. Go forth and win the Garden Games.
IGGY
Woo! I’m a winner! We’re all winners! Watch out SOIL,
Iggy’s coming for you and your bearded terariums.
FX: RUNNING FEET
DOLLY
He’s a gonner.
AZACCA
Make sure he doesn’t murder himself.
INT. THE ARENA
FX: CROWD ROARS
FX: FIRE CRACKLES
GRAMS: CONGA DRUMS SLOW BEAT
FX: MIC IS TAPPED, IT ECHOES AROUND THE SPACE
ROYAL GARDENER
Welcome to the seventy-fifth Garden Games!
FX: CROWD ROARS
ROYAL GARDENER
I’d like to thank all the shrubs and evergreens that
made this year possible.
FX: CROWD CLAPS
FX: LEAVES RUSTLE
ROYAL GARDENER
I personally hand picked this year’s theme so I hope
everyone is up for getting...down. Haha, give a warm
welcome to the Crimson Crops from east Shoreditch.
With their crimson themed team!
FX: CROWD ROARS
(cont’d)
They’ll be going up against the dark and mysterious,
World’s End Nurseries.
FX: CROWD BOOS
(cont’d)
Let the games begin! Music!
GRAMS: GLORIA ESTEFAN’S "CONGA" PLAYS
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 45.
IGGY
Bind weed.
DOLLY
Iggy, they’re...dancing.
IGGY
I realise that Columbo. Was it the tango music that
gave it away or Len Goodman swaying at the side?
DOLLY
Shall I get the van ready?
IGGY
Yep.
FX: FOOTSTEPS ON DIRT
ROYAL GARDENER
That was savage! Some great moves there from World’s
End. Len what’s your score?
LEN
SEVEN!
FX: CROWD ROARS
ROYAL GARDENER
Put your buds together for our next dance off
competitors, the internet savvy, SOIL!
FX: CROWD ROARS, CAMERAS CLICK
ROYAL GARDENER
All the way from...Catford, oh. The Dark Side of the
Moss! Oh they’ve left? Okay...
FX: CROWD MUMBLES
FX: LEAVES RUSTLING HIGH PITCHED MUMBLING
THE PLANTS
One, two, three, woo!
ROYAL GARDENER
Wait, what’s this! The Dark Side competitors seem to
be taking to the dancefloor!
FX: CROWD ROARS
ROYAL GARDENER
Music!
GRAMS: GRANDMASTER FLASH "WHITE LINES"
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 46.
DOLLY
Richard?
IGGY
Come on Dolly, let’s go.
DOLLY
He loves Grandmaster Flash!
FX: RUNNING FEET
ROYAL GARDENER
Look at those Wysteria roots move! What’s SOIL’s
answer?
FX: CROWD BOOS
(cont’d)
A succulently sweet move there by the Echeveria, but
not sweet enough.
DOLLY
Iggy! They’re doing it, and they’re in time!
(cont’d)
What’s The Dark Side thistle going to do at the back?
Between me and you, he looks a wee bit pale, eh!
(cont’d)
Show them the underside of your kilt Willie!
GRAMS: LAST SONG FADES INTO EMINEM "BAGPIPES FROM BAGHDAD"
FX: CROWD ROARS
ROYAL GARDENER
This comentator did not see that coming! There’s
shapes being pulled left right and centre! SOIL seem
unable the compete with the sheer force of the
thistle.
FX: SPRAY CAN SHAKES WITH THE BEAT AND BEGINS TO SPRAY
ROYAL GARDENER
There’s nothing in the rules about unorthodox props,
I am gagging to see what The Dark Side finish on.
GRAMS: THE SONG COMES TO A DRAMATIC END
FX: CANONS SHOOT OFF AND EXPLODE INTO THE SKY
FX: CROWD ROARS AND CLAPS

47.
INT. GARDEN CENTRE
FX: BREATHING ONTO AND SQUEAKILY SHINING TROPHY
FX: ROLLER BLADES
IGGY
Come to steal the trophy have you?
BECKETT
I wish, you can’t do anything on these. You won fair
and square, so we’ve come to deliver these.
FX: GLASS CLINKING WITHIN BOX
ATTICUS
On the plus side, we’re relocating to Killamonjaro.
There’s a massive market for succulents with beards.
See ya!
IGGY
Also Dolly? Don’t make a habit of sleeping in my
compost bag.
DOLLY
What, how’d you know!
IGGY
If there’s one thing I know, it’s the smell of
manure. Let’s go.
FX: TANOY TONE
Attention customers, the store will be closing in
five minutes, do remember to pick up all lost
children (dead or alive) on your way out. Thank you.
FX: TANOY TONE
(END CREDITS & END THEME)

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