Confessions of a Trauma Mama

1. S T R AT E G I E S F O R C O N N E C T I N G W I T H Y O U R M O S T
C H A L L E N G I N G S T U D E N T S
CONFESSIONS OF A
“TRAUMA MAMA”
Presented by: Genny Nelson
Lexington 1 Instructional Fair

2. HEATHER T. FORBES, LCSW:
• “School environments are designed for children
who have their natural love for learning intact
and for children whose systems are hardwired to
be able to sit in a classroom and stay focused.
• But when a child comes along who does not fit
this description, we have continued to expect
this child to change and to fit into this
predetermined mold, no matter how much he or
she is unable.”

3. CONFESSIONS OF A “TRAUMA MAMA”
What the heck is a
“trauma mama”?
It’s a badge that foster and
adoptive mothers wear. We
are mothers of children of
trauma, and this role comes
with unique challenges and
rewards.
You all are trauma
teachers– whether you
realize it or not yet!

4. INFORMATION ON IMPORTANT MEDICAL
EPIDEMIC SWEEPING THE COUNTRY

5. WHAT IS TRAUMA?
“Trauma is any event that is
more overwhelming than which
is ordinarily expected.”
– Heather T. Forbes, Help for Billy: A Beyond
Consequences Approach to Helping Challenging Children
in the Classroom

6. COMMON EXAMPLES OF TRAUMA:
• Separation from a parent
• Foster Care/Adoption
• Absent/disengaged/overwhelmed parent
• Divorced/separated/single-parent households
• Witnessing community or domestic violence
• Physical, verbal, or sexual abuse
• Unmet needs, neglect, lack of stimulation
• Frequent moves, lack of structure
• Deaths in the family
• Car or other traumatic accident
• Lack of supervision

7. SURPRISING EXAMPLES OF TRAUMA
• Exposure to cortisol in utero, lack of prenatal care
• Adoption at infancy
• Parental failure to praise or encourage child
• Parental rigidity (affection and emotional)
• Bullying (including from siblings)
• Parental failure to provide physical affection
• Racial discrimination
• Poverty
• Absence of consistent rules and boundaries
• Parent depression
• Medical trauma

8. IMPACT OF TRAUMA
Depends on these factors:
Are the fundamental needs of the child being met?
Physical safety, emotional connection
Is there predictability and stability?
Stable, reliable caregiver to teach regulation
Humans are wired to have a primary caregiver(s) provide
external regulation until internal regulation is learned.
This begins at infancy.

9. CONFESSIONS CONTINUED

10. CLEANING STICKERS AND FECES OFF
THE WALLS

11. LOTS OF PHYSICAL ALTERCATIONS

12. HOW CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IMPACTS
THE BRAIN

13. THREE MAJOR PARTS OF THE BRAIN

14. TOP-DOWN CONTROL
• Typically the neocortex of the brain is in control
• Because the neocortex is at the top of the brain,
we refer to this as “Top-Down Control” thinking
• When our limbic system is activated by anger,
frustration, or other emotions, the neocortex is
able to regulate these emotions and allow us to
make rational decisions

15. THE BRAIN OF A TRAUMATIZED CHILD
• Often cannot utilize Top-Down Control
• In a perpetual state of fear, “flight or fight”, survival,
nervous system highly activated
• Predominantly utilizes the limbic system
• Brain scans have shown that this part of the brain is
larger and more active than non-traumatized
children
• Consequences/Rewards cannot register in the
limbic system, so they often have no impact

16. LIMBIC SYSTEM IN MORE DETAIL
• It is the pleasure seeking part of the brain, therefore
making a “good choice” is irrelevant. For a child who is
operating from the limbic system, immediate gratification
or relief from stress is the objective. Survival overrides
thinking and choice making.
• Concerned most with protective responses related to
defense
• Handles only about 15 seconds of life events and gives
moment-to-moment feedback

17. CONSEQUENCES OF PREDOMINANTLY
USING LIMBIC SYSTEM
• Dysregulation– when a person loses ability to control
emotional response to stimuli, or uses a response that would
be considered outside of “normal”
• Cognitive Developmental Delays
• Language Delays
• Social and Emotional Delays
• Physical developmental Delays
• Executive Functioning Problems

18. UNDERSTANDING THE BEHAVIOR

19. OFTEN THE BEHAVIORS AREN’T
“BEHAVIORS”
• The problems in the classroom are often not
behavior problems, they are regulatory problems
• Window of stress tolerance
• Triggers
• Frustration from delays
• Transitions and changes produce fear and stress
Always try to ask yourself:
What is driving this behavior?

20. TRAUMA CAUSES CHILDREN TO CREATE
THE LIFE THEY THINK THEY DESERVE
Traumatized children often feel: shame, worthlessness, fear of
abandonment, and have a low self-esteem. They will frequently
try to make sure those around them feel similarly.
Traumatized children are typically accustomed to living in
chaos and a heightened state of arousal. They will intentionally
try to get adults to join them in this chaos by provoking the adults in
their lives with purposeful behaviors.
Traumatized children are/have been oftentimes exposed to
horrendous living arrangements or events. They will try to
recreate them, even in your classroom. They will also try to
recreate their trauma and inflict it upon others.

21. WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE A CHILD OF
TRAUMA IN THE CLASSROOM
This website provides a simulation of what it feels like to be a child with a
particular learning delay: reading issues, writing issues,
concentration/focus issues, math issues, organizational issues etc. It also
provides testimonials from actual students, and many resources.
Simply use the QR code provided above or log on to:
https://www.understood.org/en/tools/through-your-childs-eyes

22. SOLUTIONS
• The priority always must be to keep or return the student to a
REGULATED STATE. Things that can help ensure a
regulated state as often as possible:
• Physical space in the classroom: free of distraction/clutter,
create a “safe space”, low lighting, neutral colors
• Procedures in the classroom: clear and consistent
• Transitions and changes: prepared and consistent
• Rethink traditional discipline approaches (sticker charts, lunch
detentions, phone calls home)
• BUILD RELATIONSHIPS

23. ADDITIONAL TIPS
• Provide choices or the illusion of choices and control to the
student- this is what they crave most and will help regulation
• Clear, firm, consistent limits and boundaries.
• Maintain your routine as often as possible, this helps to reassure
the student of some level of predictability, which will lessen
anxiety.
• Learn the student’s triggers. Avoid them.
• Alert students of changes to the schedule in advance if possible
(fire drill), to loud noises, or to abrupt changes in your teaching
routine.

24. THE DYSREGULATED STUDENT
When a child becomes DYSREGULATED, you may
see:
Type A: The Reactive
Out of control behavior, outbursts, violence,
aggressiveness, lashing out verbally, oppositional
behavior, bizarre and strange behavior.
Type B: The Freeze
These are students who freeze and have a “deer in
headlights” look on their face, are unresponsive,
dissociative, and are unable to speak/respond to
directions.

25. WHAT NOT TO DO WITH A
DYSREGULATED STUDENT
• Tell them to calm down
• Yell
• Threaten punishments/consequences
• Try to bribe with rewards
• Show your frustration and exasperation
• Public humiliation types of discipline (putting
names on the board, moving a behavior status
“clipping up/down”, publicly assigning a
consequence)

26. WHAT TO DO WITH A DYSREGULATED
STUDENT
• As the educator, YOU must remain regulated
• Remember that it is NOT personal, it’s not about you
• Ask yourself:
“What does this child need from me in this
moment?”
“What is driving this behavior?”
“How can I respond in a way that this student will
not feel threatened (reduce anxiety)?”
Give the student a voice– listen more/talk less
The goal is always getting the student back to
regulation.

27. TIPS WE’VE LEARNED AS PARENTS
• Don’t ask “why”
• When dealing with a lying state facts and move on, children of
trauma frequently create their own reality and fantasy world. You
will not win.
• Find creative ways to maintain control, but allow the student to
think that they are in control of the situation and/or choice.
• Don’t tell them to “make better choices”. Allow natural
consequences.
• Over time, repeated sequences of met needs and attachment teaches
these children to trust and can repair damage. If you are working with a
student still living in trauma and without stable caregivers, YOU are the
adult that can provide these interactions.

28. SECONDARY TRAUMA/
COMPASSION FATIGUE
• If you work with a high needs population, you may be
subjected to hearing about trauma and unthinkable
circumstances most of your work day.
• Be aware that secondary trauma/compassion fatigue is
real, and can cause you to feel burnt out and extremely
emotional about the trauma you are learning about. You
may have difficulties concentrating, and it may trigger some
memories of your own past trauma.
• Self-care is the best solution to overcoming secondary
trauma. I have also found that being objective and taking
the “personal” out of the situation helps a great deal in
processing trauma.

29. WHAT CAN YOU DO MONDAY TO
IMPROVE THESE RELATIONSHIPS?
Here’s some feedback from real kids with a trauma
background:
Please do not ask me about my past during class time,
even if we are done with our work, it makes me lose my
focus for the rest of the day. – 13 year old
I really am trying my best, but sometimes my teacher
doesn’t believe me. – 11 year old
I am still learning what it means to be respectful.
Sometimes I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I’m still
learning how to say things to adults. – 13 year old

30. MORE FEEDBACK FROM STUDENTS
Sometimes I need a place to cool off, in a different place in
the classroom or maybe go out into the hallway. I just
need a minute and then I can come back. – 17 year old
I have a signal with one of my teachers to let her know that
I am frustrated and need to take a break. No one else
knows it but us. I show her that signal, and I can step out
to the bathroom and come back.
-- 11 year old
I’m not trying to be a “tattle tale”, I just need it really quiet
to do my work. – 9 year old

31. FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
• I’m really not trying to get extra attention, I just can’t
remember things sometimes, and that’s why I ask my
teachers things a lot. – 9 year old
• Sometimes I don’t understand the directions. I have to
think real hard about them. – 10 year old
• I get real pissed off when I think about what happened to
me as a kid, and then I can’t think about my work. – 14
year old
• Listening to music helps me think, I wish all my teachers
would let me do this. – 13 year old

32. MORE FROM THE KIDDOS
All of these rules are frustrating sometimes, and
sometimes I don’t understand them all. -17 year old
Loud noises like fire drills really scare me, and kids will
make fun of me, but it really does. -- 15 year old
Please don’t touch me without asking. – 15 year old
There are certain sounds, textures, and lighting that I
really don’t like. It makes it hard for me to learn. – 17 year
old

33. FEEDBACK FROM ADOPTIVE/FOSTER
PARENTS OF TRAUMATIZED CHILDREN
Consistency is key to building trust with my kid.
Power struggles are real, and triangulation is real. My child
will manipulate you before you know it.
Please educate my child, he does not need to be saved.
Please don’t feel sorry for him.
Please communicate with me, not my child, about their past.
It triggers them, and then they can’t focus.
Please support the parent-child bond!

34. MORE FROM PARENTS
Homework is a nightmare for all of us. Please understand
that it becomes a battle at home!
The best teachers we ever had for our adopted daughter
were those who were clear, consistent, and enforced strict
boundaries. Kind but firm.
Just because you can’t see the disability or are not familiar
with it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Trauma impacts actual
brain development, and this has to be understood and
accommodated in the classroom.

35. PARENTAL FEEDBACK
Take the time to understand my child’s history, to
empathize, and to understand his behavior. There are
reasons why he does the things he does.
Please do not judge me as a parent. We are doing the
best we can in difficult circumstances.
Our traumatized kids are master manipulators! They will
tell anyone anything! Please don’t believe things like “my
mom doesn’t feed me” etc. This is a function of control
and triangulation. Please talk to me before taking action
against me.

36. THERE IS HOPE & HEALING IS POSSIBLE

37. PICK UP TRIP VS. 8 MONTHS HOME