1. True Life: Surviving a Hangover
So, you did it again. You told yourself you were going to head out for a night on the
town and not get too hamsauced, and look what happened. Here we go again. Sure you said to
yourself, “I have a lot to do tomorrow, I’ll moderate myself,” and there you go again. One 75
cent well turned into 6, and the ridiculousness began. After waking up to numerous missed calls
from your so-called “besties” that said they would NEVER leave you at the bar alone, 27 unread
texts, many of which from “hot guy at the bar,” and a few cuts and bruises, the questioning
begins. At this point, you’re either still feeling intoxicated, or coming down, but either way, the
the hangover is most likely going to kick you in the ass in a short matter of time. As college
drinking students, the vast majority of us have all had this happen. Hell, you may be enduring
your “post-binge-drinking- withdrawal” reading this right now. In any case, we all go through
“the hangover stages,” and they can differ from time to time, but here is what one’s typical day
will consist of as the hours pass.
8:00am: You are awoken by the sound of your puking roommate who similarly went out and
made a fool of themselves, and is now facing the repercussions in the worst way possible. Sure,
you’d love to be there for them, (not really because your selfish and your mind is spinning
uncontrollably) but you can’t even manage to lift your face out of the pizza box you so
comfortably passed out in. So you go back to sleep, leaving your roommate to suffer their
dreaded projectile vomit episode alone.
11:15am: You awaken recurrently to the sound of your alarm going off with the reminders of all
the “productive” things you were supposed to get done today and you end up throwing your
phone against the ground and the alarm continues. (dumbass) Yep, now you have to get your
ass out of bed, with your head feeling as if it weighs twice your body weight, and turn that
annoying thing off before you have what will seem to be a massive aneurysm. You then stumble
to your bathroom, place your head under your running sink, and guzzle down water like it’s
your day job.
12:30pm: You’ve managed to crawl your way out of your bathroom with water dripping down
the right side of your face and your shirt doused as well, and make it to your couch to plop
down once again and be a lazy piece of shit. You reach for the remote, but it falls off of the
coffee table so you automatically surrender and place a pillow over your face in thoughts of
death upon you. You do happen to have your phone in your sweatpants pocket though, so you
call up one of your besties you went out with from the night before and see how they are
holding up. Once you get ahold of them, reminisce on the night you don’t remember much of,
and express your current tribulations, they agree to come over with an array of food items on
the McDonald’s dollar menu in attempt to soak up any of the alcohol still left in your system.
1:15pm: Your friend arrives and the hangover at this point is REAL. You try to manage a decent
conversation with your friend, but simple sentences, words alone, are becoming your worst
enemy, and you’re sounding much like a foreign student learning English. You get down your
McChicken, small fry, and Diet Coke with much regret as you now endure your gut-wrenching

2. stomach breaking down all of the grease you just ingested as your digestive systemdeclares,
“none of that.” Your friend sticks around, but you fall back to sleep in pain, so they leave you to
your own misery.
4:00pm: You wake up on your own. Wow. You can’t believe you fell asleep AGAIN, but you did.
You realize your friend has left and the hangover is wearing thin (Thank God). You make your
way to the shower in hopes that you can regain your dignity and remove the overwhelming
stench of booze reeking from every orifice of your body. You get into the shower and
automatically slip on the excess body wash that was left from the last time you showered and
take down the shower curtain with you. Ok, now you’re really done with the day. You say screw
it, leave the shower, and make your way back to your bed, naked of course. You’ve had a
revelation: your hangover is Alpha and you are Beta any day after you overindulge in your
drinking habits. Maybe you’ll learn your lesson next time, but probably not, because the
statement reigns true: “Alcohol; because no good story started with someone eating a salad.”