Find out different ways with which you can save your marriage after an extra marital affair.

1. How to Save Your Marriage After an
Extra Marital Affair
LINDA CHARNES,
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

2. Admit Your Mistake
• Mistakes are teaching tools.
• Admitting or accepting your mistake means that you are willing to make a
change.
• Understand that the problem is not making mistakes but failing to
recognize, understand and correct them.
• Do not defend or try to deny what you did.

3. Accept the Consequences
Actions have consequences. You can’t avoid that. So, face them without
evasion or denial. This is the only way to make a difference.
These consequences may include:
• Loss of your partner's trust.
• Arguments and conflicts.
• Guilt and shame.
• Loss of self-esteem.

4. Understand Rather Than Being Understood
Often affairs lead to arguments and heated discussions, which both partners
want to win at any cost. Follow these tips to make things easier:
• Do 90% of the listening and 10% of talking.
• Try to learn from the conversation instead of disagreeing.
• Instead of explaining, try to understand.
• Let your partner win most of the debates.
• Be patient to get results.

5. Don’t Let Emotions Take Over
When you allow emotions to get the best of you, your feelings drive your
actions, choices and decisions. This makes you vulnerable to bad decisions.
Difficult times call for rational thinking rather than emotional thinking. The
approach you take should include:
• Measuring the short-term and long-term impacts of your decisions.
• Weighing the emotional reward and cost that you pay for your actions.
• Giving yourself the best odds of being right.

6. Focus on What You Want
Normally, people make things worse by focusing on things that they don't
want, which isn't the best approach. Try following these tips:
• Focus your mind on positive outcomes.
• Keep interrogating yourself to know what you want out of the situation.
• Focus on positive processing.
• Identify when things start to work out.

7. Your Actions Speak Louder than Words
• You can't rely just on talking to make things better.
• Back up your words with your actions. For example, saying sorry isn’t
enough unless your behavior backs it up, such as planning a surprise for
your partner.
• Try to exit the affair permanently and gracefully.
• Take steps to show your partner that they are your #1 priority.

8. Know Your Worth
People often start punishing themselves after an affair and think that they
are not worth love or forgiveness. This isn’t true.
• Understand the difference between guilt and remorse.
• Remember that mistakes are natural and humans tend to make it.
“The reason for water is fire. And so the reason for forgiveness is mistakes.”

9. Do Not Fight Your Emotions
Instead of fighting against the current, try to go with the flow. Waves will
take you to the shore, without you having to try.
• Do not resist the emotional outbreak. It is needed to completely get over
the affair.
• If you feel like crying, do it.
• Don't let your ego hold you back from showing your emotions.

10. Seek Professional Help
• Read self-help books and consult a marriage counselor.
• Focus on accepting help, not just on asking for it.
• Accept the advice, recommendations and directions.

11. How to Choose the Right Help
Linda Charnes, psychotherapist, NYC,
has over 20 years of experience in
both individual and couple therapy.
Her guidance can help you take your
life in the direction you want to.
LINDA CHARNES (LMFT)

12. How to Contact Linda Charnes
Visit: www.lindacharnes.com
Call: 212-772-1695
Drop In: 1619 Third Avenue, Suite 3 New York, NY 10128