This is a session that I presented at the 1st Annual Men's Workshop held in Anchorage, Alaska on April 21, 2018.

1. The Seven Rules
of Self-Esteem
Ken Miller – Denali Fundraising Consultants
April 21, 2018

2. Overview
• Introductions
• Definitions of self-esteem
• The seven rules of self-esteem
• Close and further reading
Please ask questions!
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3. Introductions
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4. Share
How do you define self-esteem?
Think of an example of a person
you know with high self-esteem?
On a scale of 1-10 how would
you rate your self-esteem?
Take 5 minutes and write answers, share with person to your right.
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5. Definition of Self-Esteem
“Self-esteem consists of self-efficacy
(competency) & self-respect (worthiness)“
Nathaniel Branden
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6. Definition of Self-Esteem
“Self-efficacy (competency) entails the
expectation of success as natural”
Nathaniel Branden
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7. Definition of Self-Esteem
“Self-respect (worthiness) entails the
expectation of friendship, love and
happiness as natural”
Nathaniel Branden
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8. Self-Esteem
“The relationship between self-esteem
and its pillars (rules) is always reciprocal.
The practices that generate self-esteem
are also natural expressions and
consequences of self-esteem.”
Nathaniel Branden
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9. Self-Esteem
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10. 7 Rules for Self-Esteem
1. The Practice of Living Consciously
2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance
3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility
4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
5. The Practice of Living Purposefully
6. The Practice of Personal Integrity
7. The Practice of Courage
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11. Self-Esteem Rule #1 – Living Consciously
Competency entails the expectation of success as natural
• One must choose to live consciously
• Embrace truth, facts and reality.
• Wishes or fears or denials do not alter facts. “If a
statement is true, my denying it will not make it false.
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12. Self-Esteem Rule #1 – Living Consciously
• How to live consciously –
• To live consciously means to seek to be aware of
everything that bears on our actions, purposes,
values and goals… and to behave in accordance with
that which we see and know.
• Living consciously implies respect for the facts of
reality.
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13. Self-Esteem Rule #1 – Living Consciously
• How to live consciously – cont.
• A mind that is active vs. passive. An intelligence that
takes joy in its own function
• Being concerned to know “where I am” relative to my
goals & aspirations
• Searching for feedback from environment so as to
adjust my course when necessary
Am I choosing to live consciously?
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14. Success Rule #2 – Self-Acceptance
• The Practice of Self-Acceptance
• Without self-acceptance, self-esteem is impossible.
• Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial
relationship to myself.
• I cannot forgive myself for an action I will not acknowledge
having taken.
• The ultimate crime against ourselves: the disowning of
positives.
• We can be as frightened of our assets as of our shortcomings.
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15. Success Rule #3 – Self-Responsibility
• The Practice of Self-Responsibility
• To feel competent to live and worthy of happiness, I need to
experience a sense of control over my existence. This requires
that I be willing to take responsibility for my actions and the
attainment of my goals. This means I take responsibility for my
life and well-being.
• I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.
• No one owes me the fulfillment of my wishes.
• I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my
relationships.
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16. Success Rule #3 – Self-Responsibility
• The Practice of Self-Responsibility – cont.
• I am responsible for how I prioritize my time.
• I am responsible for the quality of my communications.
• I am responsible for my personal happiness.
• Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places
my life back in my own hands.
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17. Success Rule #3 – Self-Responsibility
• The Practice of Self-Responsibility – cont.
• I am responsible for choosing the values by which I live.
• I am responsible for raising my self-esteem.
• Often what people call “thinking” is merely recycling
the opinion of others. (clichés)
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18. Self-Esteem Rule #3 – Self-Responsibility
• To acquire self-responsibility – Believe that…
• I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.
• I am responsible for my choices and actions.
• I am responsible for my behavior with others.
• I am responsible for my personal happiness.
• I am responsible for accepting and choosing my values.
• I am responsible for raising my self-esteem.
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19. Self-Esteem Rule #4 – Self-Assertiveness
• The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
• Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs,
and value and seeking appropriate forms of their
expression...
• It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked.
• Self-assertiveness means the willingness to stand up
for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with
respect in all human encounters.
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20. Self-Esteem Rule #5 – Living Purposefully
• The Practice of Living Purposefully
• To live without purpose is to live at the mercy of
chance…
• To live purposefully is to use our powers for the
attainment of goals we have selected…
• To live purposefully is, among other things, to live
productively, which is a necessity of making
ourselves competent to life.
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21. Self-Esteem Rule #5 – Living Purposefully
• The Practice of Living Purposefully – cont.
• Productivity is the act of supporting our existence by
translating our thoughts into reality, of setting our
goals and working for their achievement, of bringing
knowledge, goods or services into existence.
• It is not that achievements “prove” our worth but
rather that the process of achieving is the means by
which we develop our effectiveness, our competence
at living.
• Self-discipline is the ability to organize our behavior
over time in the service of specific tasks.
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22. Self-Esteem Rule #5 – Living Purposefully
• The Practice of Living Purposefully – cont.
• Self-discipline requires the ability to defer
immediate gratification in the service of a remote
goal.
• The root of our self-esteem is not our
achievements but those internally generated
practices that, among other things, make it
possible for us to achieve.
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23. Self-Esteem Rule #6 – Personal Integrity
• The Practice of Personal Integrity
• Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions,
standards, beliefs and behavior. When behavior is
congruent with our professed values, when ideals and
practice match, we have integrity.
• Integrity means congruence. Words and behaviors match.
• Most of the issues of integrity we face are not bit issues
but small ones, yet the accumulated weight of our choices
has an impact on our sense of self.
• The essence of guilt, whether major or minor, is moral
self-reproach.
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24. Self-Esteem Rule #6 – Personal Integrity
• The Practice of Personal Integrity – cont.
• Generally speaking, five steps are needed to restore one’s
sense of integrity…
1. We must own the fact that it is we who have taken the
particular action. We own, we accept, we take
responsibility.
2. We seek to understand why we did what we did.
3. We acknowledge explicitly to the relevant person or
persons the harm we have done.
4. We take any and all actions available that might make
amends for or minimize the harm we have done.
5. We firmly commit ourselves to behaving differently in
the future.
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25. Self-Esteem Rule #6 – Personal Integrity
• The Practice of Personal Integrity – cont.
• Sometimes, of course, there is no way to undo
the harm, and we must accept and make our
peace with that; we cannot do more than what
is possible.
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26. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
• How you deal with and overcome fear will
greatly impact your self-esteem
• Self-esteem has much to do with how
capable am I to deal with the life and its
daily fears…
What is your understanding of fear and courage?
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27. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
Fear!
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28. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
The anticipation
or expectation
of future pain.
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29. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
What are the three common
reactions to fear?
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30. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
Fight
Flight
Freeze
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31. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
What is the solution to our fear?
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32. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
Courage!
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33. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
The willingness to
accept the
possibility of pain.
Think of a time when you were courageous and did what
needed to be done in spite of the fear.
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34. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
Look at and understand the fear…
1. Accept that one is in fear
2. What is the underlying
“pain”
3. What is the self-talk - “I am
not competent or worthy
or…” (public speaking)
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35. Self-Esteem Rule #7 – Courage
Look at, understand and overcome the fear…
4. Talk with someone about it.
5. Become accountable to an
outside source. (God, child,
friend…)
6. Understand and use courage.
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36. Wrap up - 7 Rules for Self-Esteem
1. The Practice of Living Consciously
2. The Practice of Self-Acceptance
3. The Practice of Self-Responsibility
4. The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
5. The Practice of Living Purposefully
6. The Practice of Personal Integrity
7. The Practice of Overcoming Fear
Any questions or comments?
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37. Conclusion
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most
frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually,
who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your
playing small does not serve the world. There is
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you… We are all
meant to shine… And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to
do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson – A Return to Love
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38. Further reading
1. Psychology of Self-Esteem - Nathaniel Branden
2. 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem – Nathaniel Branded
3. The Speed of Trust – Stephen Covey
4. Deep Work – Cal Newport
5. James Clear’s Blog
6. Grit – Angela Duckworth
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39. Contact Info
Ken Miller
President
Denali Fundraising Consultants
ken@denalifsp.com
907 250-8488
Please feel free to contact me anytime.
Thank you!
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