A dwarven adventure by Dargron.

1. A COMPLETE GUIDE

2. Dwarves, originally invented by
J.R.R Tolkien to scare his children
have flourished in fantasy society.
The dwarven mythos is somewhat
similar to Russian society,
burrowing deep into mountainsides
to achieve goals unbeknownst to
the rest of the world.
Dwarves have beards. (But no
pubic hair due to the Chernobyl
disaster).
Disney Entertainment later used
Dwarves to scare the rest of the
children of the world.
The seven dwarves, a
rapacious band of hoodlums
were cast in the the first
movie to shock the world and
request banning by it’s
original owner (Clockwork
Orange).

3. John Rhys Davies was
actually the first person to
‘cross dress’ into dwarven
attire.
He acted in multiple
movies while in this
attire, such as The
Shawshank Redemption
and Schindlers List.
He was rejected from the
set of Apocalypse Now
for being too ‘gook-like’,
according to the director.
John Rhys Davies died of
a broken heart at the age
of 107.
His beard was real.

4. Garden Gnomes are referred to as
‘faggot dwarves’ by their full-
blooded dwarven peers.
The first garden gnomes were a
product of a promiscuous dwarf
having sexual relations with David
Attenborough. (To the right you can
see a ‘Child Of Attenborough’)
Not to be confused for their
dwarven counterparts, garden
gnomes are incapable of growing
beards and must instead buy their
beards from specialty stores.
86% of the garden gnome
population consists of homosexual
males.
The left over 14% is slowly being
wasted away due to self-loathing,
the ‘Children of Attenborough’ are
slowly dying out.

5. A rare condition, known
as ‘Stainpantsmiyosis’
sometimes occurs in
members of the human
race.
This condition is
incurable.
Approximately forty
people around the globe
are affected by this illness,
they have created a
LARPing group.
(RIGHT): A victim of
Stainpantsmiyosis.
Notice the small dark
stain at his nether region.

6. Dwarves have taken on a new role
in the ‘World of Warcraft’ (WoW)
mythos.
Instead of communist
mountaindigging ruffians, the
WoW creators have turned
dwarves into the prostitutes of
Azeroth.
Any player who chooses dwarf
from the beginning of the game has
to take it repeatedly in the anus or
mouth from any other player who
sees fit.
Night Elves, as labeled by the
WoW development team to be the
‘supreme’ race, have, with their
intentionally drawn ‘giant
phalluses’ nearly fucked dwarves
into extinction.
(RIGHT) A dwarf noting the
appearance of a player in the
distance.

7. Dwarven representation in
the Wizards of the Coast
games is strong.
Khelgar Ironfist (right),
given his name for his
exploits at the cow-fist
competition many decades
ago.
Although there are dwarves
in these games, it should be
noted that Neverwinter
Nights sucks, and should
never be played under any
circumstance.
Shield Dwarves are generic.
The other Dwarves are just
Shield Dwarves with darker
skin.

8. Also known as midgets,
half-dwarves are ostracized
by both human and dwarf
races.
 Devoid of both a soul and
any bodily hair, a midget
must procure both through
means of trickery.
Due to their small hands,
midgets make horrible tennis
players.
Midgets also make horrible
table tennis players.
(RIGHT): A midget who got
what was coming to him
courtesy of James Bond.

9. At its essence, dwarven
culture is essentially like
an episode of Melrose
Place.
Shannon Doherty is the
Queen of the dwarves
(right). Even though she
was in Beverly Hills
90210.
Melrose Place is a good
show.
Shannon Doherty was
also in Charmed.
Charmed was a good
show.

10. As ancient and mystical
as the Spice Girls,
dwarven music is a highly
prized specialty.
The most famous
dwarven musician ever
was Kid Rock.
Kid Rock, whilst writing
very bad music was
applauded for being a
dwarf.
Kid Rock also had a
dwarven girlfriend,
Pamela Anderson.
Kid Rock and Pamela
Anderson both died of
Hepatitis C, aged 56.

11. Dwarves, as a whole
attend the Scientology
religion.
They are huge Tom
Cruise fans.
Scientology, as shown to
the right is fond of
building bridges.
Dwarves have built
many bridges for
scientology.
The most famous bridge
ever built by dwarves for
scientology was the
golden gate bridge.

12. The main enemies of the
dwarven race are known
as trolls.
These critters often make
their homes under
dwarven built bridges,
causing nuisance.
Trolls have no genitalia,
and so must reproduce by
pollen contained in their
hair.
Trolls were in charge of
assassinating JFK.
(RIGHT) Hans Killfield, a
troll Colonel responsible
for approximately eight
million dwarven
casualties.

13. A game about Dwarves,
Dwarf Fortress is created
by a toad.
With impressive artwork
and color scheme, Dwarf
Fortress has won many
awards for its art design.
Dwarf Fortress is a must-
see for anybody who can
spend 20 hours learning
how to play
The Dwarven Hammerer
is a good character.
(RIGHT) A mess of
ASCII.

14. The word ‘Dorf’,
equated to the word
‘Nigger’ by dwarven
society is a horrible racial
slur.
Dorf, in short referrs to a
dwarf with a disfiguring
disability, such as mental
retardation.
A notable Dorf is Ben
Stiller, suffering from
severe cranial
dysfunction.
Dorfs have been around
since the middle ages.
(RIGHT) A classical Dorf
suffering upon a rock.

15. Married to Shannon
Doherty, Jack Black is the
King of dwarven society.
Fabled for his folk tale
entitled ‘tribute’ Jack
Black is known to have
slain at least two demons.
Jack Black, like all
dwarves enjoys the
hoarding of gems and
other valuable
merchandise.
Jack Black has no heir,
this is a problem for
dwarven society.
(RIGHT) Jack assessing a
situation closely at court.

16. The ram, often ridden by
dwarves for pasttime is
the backbone of dwarven
infrastructure.
Rams are used for food,
labor and milking.
The dwarven garbage
collection system is run
entirely by rams.
Ram horns are a valuable
commodity in dwarven
society.
(RIGHT) A ram chilling
after a hard days work
before he heads to the
slaughterhouse.

17. This map is the last
remaining fragment of the
dwarven origin.
Found in Hitler’s own bed
after his fall in Berlin.
The map, according to
world-renowned
proctologists leads to a
certain point inside of Rosie
O’Donnel’s rectum.
The mystery of the dwarven
origin has never been
uncovered.
Nobody can read those
letters, Tolkien knew how to
but nobody has bothered to
read enough of his crap to
decipher them.

18. Porn utilized by the
dwarven race is peculiar
indeed.
Dwarf porn often comes
in cartoon variety, as
dwarves have an innate
disgust at their own
bodies.
The dwarven female is
always overweight and
sprouting excess pubic
hair.
Dwarven female breasts
are often hairy.
A dwarven mating ritual
is called ‘digging the
tunnel’

19. The dwarf pornography
industry thrives even to
today.
Male dwarves have a
normal size-body ratio
for penis size (small).
Dwarves are innately
distrustful of breasts,
and seek to climb them
instead of fondling.
A dwarf with shaven
pubic hair is often
ridiculed by his peers.
Dwarves are known to
have children in litters.

20. By Dargron.