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Dwarf

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A dwarven adventure by Dargron.

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Dwarf

  1. 1. A COMPLETE GUIDE
  2. 2. Dwarves, originally invented by J.R.R Tolkien to scare his children have flourished in fantasy society. The dwarven mythos is somewhat similar to Russian society, burrowing deep into mountainsides to achieve goals unbeknownst to the rest of the world. Dwarves have beards. (But no pubic hair due to the Chernobyl disaster). Disney Entertainment later used Dwarves to scare the rest of the children of the world. The seven dwarves, a rapacious band of hoodlums were cast in the the first movie to shock the world and request banning by it’s original owner (Clockwork Orange).
  3. 3. John Rhys Davies was actually the first person to ‘cross dress’ into dwarven attire. He acted in multiple movies while in this attire, such as The Shawshank Redemption and Schindlers List. He was rejected from the set of Apocalypse Now for being too ‘gook-like’, according to the director. John Rhys Davies died of a broken heart at the age of 107. His beard was real.
  4. 4. Garden Gnomes are referred to as ‘faggot dwarves’ by their full- blooded dwarven peers. The first garden gnomes were a product of a promiscuous dwarf having sexual relations with David Attenborough. (To the right you can see a ‘Child Of Attenborough’) Not to be confused for their dwarven counterparts, garden gnomes are incapable of growing beards and must instead buy their beards from specialty stores. 86% of the garden gnome population consists of homosexual males. The left over 14% is slowly being wasted away due to self-loathing, the ‘Children of Attenborough’ are slowly dying out.
  5. 5. A rare condition, known as ‘Stainpantsmiyosis’ sometimes occurs in members of the human race. This condition is incurable. Approximately forty people around the globe are affected by this illness, they have created a LARPing group. (RIGHT): A victim of Stainpantsmiyosis. Notice the small dark stain at his nether region.
  6. 6. Dwarves have taken on a new role in the ‘World of Warcraft’ (WoW) mythos. Instead of communist mountaindigging ruffians, the WoW creators have turned dwarves into the prostitutes of Azeroth. Any player who chooses dwarf from the beginning of the game has to take it repeatedly in the anus or mouth from any other player who sees fit. Night Elves, as labeled by the WoW development team to be the ‘supreme’ race, have, with their intentionally drawn ‘giant phalluses’ nearly fucked dwarves into extinction. (RIGHT) A dwarf noting the appearance of a player in the distance.
  7. 7. Dwarven representation in the Wizards of the Coast games is strong. Khelgar Ironfist (right), given his name for his exploits at the cow-fist competition many decades ago. Although there are dwarves in these games, it should be noted that Neverwinter Nights sucks, and should never be played under any circumstance. Shield Dwarves are generic. The other Dwarves are just Shield Dwarves with darker skin.
  8. 8. Also known as midgets, half-dwarves are ostracized by both human and dwarf races.  Devoid of both a soul and any bodily hair, a midget must procure both through means of trickery. Due to their small hands, midgets make horrible tennis players. Midgets also make horrible table tennis players. (RIGHT): A midget who got what was coming to him courtesy of James Bond.
  9. 9. At its essence, dwarven culture is essentially like an episode of Melrose Place. Shannon Doherty is the Queen of the dwarves (right). Even though she was in Beverly Hills 90210. Melrose Place is a good show. Shannon Doherty was also in Charmed. Charmed was a good show.
  10. 10. As ancient and mystical as the Spice Girls, dwarven music is a highly prized specialty. The most famous dwarven musician ever was Kid Rock. Kid Rock, whilst writing very bad music was applauded for being a dwarf. Kid Rock also had a dwarven girlfriend, Pamela Anderson. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson both died of Hepatitis C, aged 56.
  11. 11. Dwarves, as a whole attend the Scientology religion. They are huge Tom Cruise fans. Scientology, as shown to the right is fond of building bridges. Dwarves have built many bridges for scientology. The most famous bridge ever built by dwarves for scientology was the golden gate bridge.
  12. 12. The main enemies of the dwarven race are known as trolls. These critters often make their homes under dwarven built bridges, causing nuisance. Trolls have no genitalia, and so must reproduce by pollen contained in their hair. Trolls were in charge of assassinating JFK. (RIGHT) Hans Killfield, a troll Colonel responsible for approximately eight million dwarven casualties.
  13. 13. A game about Dwarves, Dwarf Fortress is created by a toad. With impressive artwork and color scheme, Dwarf Fortress has won many awards for its art design. Dwarf Fortress is a must- see for anybody who can spend 20 hours learning how to play The Dwarven Hammerer is a good character. (RIGHT) A mess of ASCII.
  14. 14. The word ‘Dorf’, equated to the word ‘Nigger’ by dwarven society is a horrible racial slur. Dorf, in short referrs to a dwarf with a disfiguring disability, such as mental retardation. A notable Dorf is Ben Stiller, suffering from severe cranial dysfunction. Dorfs have been around since the middle ages. (RIGHT) A classical Dorf suffering upon a rock.
  15. 15. Married to Shannon Doherty, Jack Black is the King of dwarven society. Fabled for his folk tale entitled ‘tribute’ Jack Black is known to have slain at least two demons. Jack Black, like all dwarves enjoys the hoarding of gems and other valuable merchandise. Jack Black has no heir, this is a problem for dwarven society. (RIGHT) Jack assessing a situation closely at court.
  16. 16. The ram, often ridden by dwarves for pasttime is the backbone of dwarven infrastructure. Rams are used for food, labor and milking. The dwarven garbage collection system is run entirely by rams. Ram horns are a valuable commodity in dwarven society. (RIGHT) A ram chilling after a hard days work before he heads to the slaughterhouse.
  17. 17. This map is the last remaining fragment of the dwarven origin. Found in Hitler’s own bed after his fall in Berlin. The map, according to world-renowned proctologists leads to a certain point inside of Rosie O’Donnel’s rectum. The mystery of the dwarven origin has never been uncovered. Nobody can read those letters, Tolkien knew how to but nobody has bothered to read enough of his crap to decipher them.
  18. 18. Porn utilized by the dwarven race is peculiar indeed. Dwarf porn often comes in cartoon variety, as dwarves have an innate disgust at their own bodies. The dwarven female is always overweight and sprouting excess pubic hair. Dwarven female breasts are often hairy. A dwarven mating ritual is called ‘digging the tunnel’
  19. 19. The dwarf pornography industry thrives even to today. Male dwarves have a normal size-body ratio for penis size (small). Dwarves are innately distrustful of breasts, and seek to climb them instead of fondling. A dwarf with shaven pubic hair is often ridiculed by his peers. Dwarves are known to have children in litters.
  20. 20. By Dargron.

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