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Future Captains on Deck
The Columns
Volume 2
Edition 1
March 14, 2014
Misinforming
hundreds of readers
online and in print.of Christopher Newport University
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NoVa Congressman to Deliver May
Commencement Address
The commencement speaker for the Class of 2014 will
be retiring Congressman Frank Wolf, according to a
recent announcement from President Trible. Wolf will
become the sixth politician to claim the honor of
addressing the graduating Captains since 2001, and plans
to speak about the promising future just around the
corner and reflect on the good times had at CNU. Sources
tell The Columns that Wolf will address the rising cost of
higher education and the related technical failures of
President Obama’s health care website earlier this year.
Many students around campus have described the
pick as a pleasant surprise. “It will be refreshing to have a
graduation speaker that I can relate to,” said senior Jacob
Smith, “There are just so few role models out there today
for kids like myself who grew
up in the upper middle class
and want a chance to have the
same kind of lifestyle as my
parents. It’s tough, to believe
that it can happen here in
America, you know?”
Commencement is
scheduled for May 10 on the
Great Lawn at 10 a.m., at
which time graduating seniors
will be encouraged to donate
their pennies from freshman
signing day to the Alumni Fund
in lieu of throwing them into a
now non-existent fountain.
As armed soldiers carrying Russian weapons,
supplies and passports marched through the streets of
the Crimean region, Vladimir Putin confirmed that his
country was not behind the attack. “We have no idea
what you are talking about,” he told reporters, “but you
should stop asking if you know what’s good for you.”
Dr. Quinten Kidd, of CNU’s Smithfield Center for
International Politics, said he thought Putin’s statement
was not incorrect, though at the same time misleading.
“It’s possible that these forces are not Russian per se, but
simply from Russia and receiving orders from the
Russian government.” He also blamed Edward Snowden
for the violence, adding that the former NSA contractor
never explicitly denied planning to invade Crimea.
CNU Dean of
Admissions Robert Lange
announced this week that
next year’s freshman
class will be the strongest
ever to join the campus
community, marking the
13th consecutive year of
improvement. The
majority of admitted
students hail from
northern Virginia, with
others coming from
Maryland, North
Carolina, eight other
states, three foreign
countries, and one
student from the greater
Hampton Roads region.
In addition to holding the
highest average GPA and
ContinuedonPage Two
SAT scores in the school’s
history, this incoming
class will also be the
largest.
“In order to house this
larger group of students,
we will be offering several
options to
upperclassmen,” Dean of
Students Kevin Hughes
told The Columns.
“Sophomores and juniors
will be allowed to live on
campus with four people
in each room. We
understand this may be
inconvenient for some, but
in exchange we will be
offering a $5-off coupon at
the campus Chick-Fil-A.
Class of 2018 Strongest Ever for CNU
Russia Not Invading Ukraine
Commencement
Speakers since 2001
Politicians – 6
Academics - 4
Journalists – 2
Other – 2
Republicans – 5
Democrats – 1
Virginians – 12
Men – 13
Women – 1
Caucasians – 14
Other - 0

2. Connable is also accused
of encouraging students to
challenge existing paradigms
about the world around them
when writing papers and
journal assignments. “That is
not really the way we do things
at CNU,” said President Paul S.
Trible at a news briefing.
“There is just no room for that
kind of thinking in the modern
university. Students need to
learn the materials that are
presented to them without
questioning the authority of
their professors or their
textbooks.”
Dr. Connable was
unavailable to comment by
press time.
Alternatively, students may sleep in their
cars in the parking lot, as long as they
purchase a parking decal.” Hughes said
there was no plan to release third-year
students from their residency
requirement.
The President’s Leadership Program
also continued its streak of recruiting top
students. Program Director Brian Larson
said that nearly 35 percent of the 1500-
member freshman class had been invited
to participate. “After personally
interviewing all of the candidates, I am
confident that every student we extended
an invitation to is a natural born leader.”
In the classroom portion of the program,
students will learn about leadership
research that shows definitively that very
little is known about the source of
leadership or how to use it most
effectively. The average student invited to
PLP had a high school GPA of 4.9, and
many hold personal achievements such as
class presidents, star athletes, Eagle
Scouts, successful entrepreneurs, and
astronauts.
Future Captains (Continued)
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CNU Professor Charged
with Corrupting Youth
A CNU professor is behind
bars today after being charged
with corrupting the minds of
students and disrespecting their
religious freedoms. Newport
News police chief Rick Myers
said in a statement that Dr. Sean
Connable was arrested at his
home in Newport News over the
weekend and would be held at
the city jail until his preliminary
hearing.
Connable is a lecturer in
the Communications
Department, according to CNU
spokeswoman Lori Jacobs, and
has taught both leadership and
communications classes since
being hired in 2010. He has
been suspended pending a full
investigation of the charges
against him. “Several students
had come forward to complain
about Dr. Connable’s teaching
style,” Jacobs said, “and our
initial investigation uncovered
some serious questions about
his methods.”
Dean of Students Kevin
Hughes said that his office had
also investigated complaints
about the professor. “During
the hiring process Dr. Connable
assured us of his strong
Southern Baptist background,
but students reported that he
allowed other viewpoints to be
expressed and discussed in
some seminar-style classes.”
“There is just no room for
this kind of thinking in the
modern university.”
- CNU President Paul Trible
Campus Events This Weekend
Saturday
CNU Baseball vs. Wesley
Captains Field, 12 & 3 PM
CAB Laser Tag
James River Field, 7 PM
Pre-St. Patrick’s Day Party
Your Mom’s House, 11 PM
Sunday
Probably the worst meal
you’ll eat all week
Regattas, 11 AM
Watching Netflix instead of
writing a paperdue Monday
Trible Library, 5 PM