A Shut-in at college finally decides to make an experience out of Halloween. There are friends. There's a girl. There is Spiderman. There is Steve Irwin. And most importantly there is comedy! Check out the source: http://battleboredom.weebly.com/

1. BRDZ 1
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No Expectations
My face cringed as I looked myself up and down in the mirror of my dorm room closet. It
was Halloween and I was dressed up as Zorro. I picked up the Zorro costume a few days before
because it gave me that mysterious ‘atmosphere’ I was going for. Across the room, Steve Irwin
was sitting on a black leather futon carefully avoiding dripping a beer can on his pale white legs
which were exposed by his khaki short shorts. My roommate chose Steve Irwin as his costume
because ‘the Crocodile Hunter must live on forever’.
“Dude.” I turned toward Steve. “I look like a fucking tool.”
“No, mate. You’re fine.” Steve assured me in Aussie tongue. “If I can pull off these
shorts, you can pull off black clothes and a cape. Put on the mask and top hat, ya pansy.”
“’kay, but it’s not a top hat.” I put on the rest of my costume. “Fuck it. I’ve spent too long
playing it safe. This needs to happen. College is supposed to be epic! Pass me a beer.”
“Crickey, mate!” Steve jumped up and grabbed another beer. “I’ve been waiting to hear
you say that all night!”
Before long a few more of our friends showed up to pregame before they would all make
their way to their friend Donald’s party. We had rearranged the room in preparation for the
pregame. All the furniture including the beds, desks, and futon had been moved to the outer
edges of the room so there would be more room for activities. Our group had already played
several games of pong, took rips out the bong, and listened to several party songs. I sat at my
desk while I cycled through my Halloween Partaaayyy playlist while Steve Irwin got a few beers
out of the refrigerator. I bobbed my head to the music while looking around waiting to see others

2. BRDZ 2
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pick up the beat. And nope. No one did. Reluctantly, I quickly skipped through a few more songs
before stopping on Just Lose It by Eminem upon Steve’s request. Steve was determined to ‘rap’
along to the song by jumping on the last few words of all of Eminem’s rhymes. At the part where
the rap breaks down, Steve jumps up and starts going in.
It gets real intense, no one makes a sound. “It gets real intense. Shhhhhhh.”
Everything looks like it's 8 Mile now. “Everything looks great while now.”
The beat comes back “The beat comes back”
And everybody lose themselves. “And everybody lose themselves.”
Snap back to reality. “Snap back to reality.”
Look it's B.Rabbit! “Look something something!”
Yo you signed me up to battle!? “*incoherent nonsense*”
I'm a grown man! “I’m a grown man!”
Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie. “Chubba rubba dubba in the tubba”
After a performance like that, another round of shots was needed and everyone was in
fact losing it with childlike excitement. All attendees were anxiously waiting for the move to
Donald’s room at 10. Spiderman was heard raving about how fucked up everyone is going to be.
Some dude in an ambiguous surfer costume was pumped for the gnarly jungle juice. Sir Isaac
Newton was determined to dominate the bobbing for apples competition. And Norman Bates
kept to himself the entire time. We were never sure whether the kid was wearing a costume or if
his similarities to the psycho were coincidental. There was also a green Teletubbie who
desperately spent the pregame verifying with everybody that there were in fact going to be girls
at the party. No one knew who he was or who invited him but he was allowed to stay because he

3. BRDZ 3
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brought Norman and no one wanted to mess with Norman. I spent a good portion time poking
and prodding the green Teletubbie on just how adooorable his costume was. In my defense it
was his fault if Norman scares any of the ladies away. No wild cards tonight. Or murders. A
murder would definitely put an end to the night.
Eventually the group gracefully gathered themselves for the move to Donald’s party. I
hopped up on my desk and surveyed the boys like a teacher looking over a bustling group of
fidgety school children on a field trip.
“Gentleman.” I said as I puffed out my chest from under the black cape. “This is it. This
is was we have been waiting for. You were promised a party and I will deliver you, my children.
We fly high on the nectar of the gods. I am in a room of extraordinary men; from the likes of
Spiderman to the Crocodile Hunter. We all deserve to be here, and the green teletubbie is fine
too I guess. This party will be amazing! I guarantee it. If you are not satisfied with your product
you may NOTreceive a refund. This is a limited time offer. Halloween is one night a year boys.
The stars are alignin-”
“Alright. Alright!” Steve interrupted my good homily. “Is this speech going somewhere
cause I am.”
And so, the band of bumbling boys headed out to Donald’s total rager.
*
Donald’s room had a perfect set up. It was rectangular, lit with red and blue lights,
speakers, and a bar with a mini fridge. The room was bumping when the battalion arrived. We
banged on the door until Donald finally answered after lowering the Nicki Minaj playlist a bit.

4. BRDZ 4
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Donald was dressed up as Donald Duck. Donald said that his girlfriend’s friends wanted
to do a looney tuned themed Halloween so they dressed as Donald and Daisy Duck. Donald lied.
This was Donald’s idea. Donald just wanted to dress like Donald Duck.
We synchronously paused to look Donald up and down before trampling over him like
conquistadors in search of gold. Nope. Nada. An empty room.
“Donald?” I closed my eyes hoping some bodacious babes will file out of the closet
saying, oh thank heavens we thought that it was the RA.
“What’s up?” Donald said causally.
“Are we the only ones here, you quack?”
The group remained optimistic despite the blow to morale. Steve Irwin consoled the
group by explaining that they just arrived too early. Donald also assured the guys that he invited
a ton of girls so they’ll be here. Despite the Donald’s positive outlook, not everyone was able to
hold it together through the drought. Spiderman loudly demanded to know who let all these
dudes into the party in an explosion of desperation and delirium. He kept pacing in the room
while muttering about his web shooter and how the party was better before they showed up. At
some point the green Teletubbie threw up his arms exclaiming that he could have had a better
time with Noo-Noo the Teletubbie’s vacuum cleaner. Admittedly, even I was having trouble
managing my frustrations with the lack of girls. This was not how it was supposed to be.
After a few eons, our patience began to pay off. The flow of people entering the room
increased as the other parties on campus began to get put down by public safety. My boys were
ecstatic and would whip their heads at the door every time it opened to see the new faces that

5. BRDZ 5
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arrived. Despite the thrill and satisfaction of new faces, I stayed by the bar with Steve and a very
drunk Sir Isaac Newton surveying the crowd.
“This is how it’s supposed to be.” I stated. “Steve, let’s see your moves. Go talk to those
girls over there. You’re a master wrangler after all.”
“Dude! You do it.” Steve tried to push me over but lost his balance. “You want to talk to
that Chiquita Banana girl don’t you? Yea I see you eyeing her.”
“Sshhh! She’s in my Spanish class.” I whisper shouted. “And oh my God by the way.
Can you be more obvious?”
“What? I’m not being obvious.”
“You are staring, Steve. You always do this. And besides, I can’t. They’re all staying
close together. There’s no way I get near Chiquita.” Just as I was about to admit defeat the little
Zorro in me sprung up and decided I couldn’t leave my sword in its sheath forever. “Aw fuck it
all brotha! This is it! I’m going to do it. This is what this night is about. Right here.”
“Cheers, mate.”
“How do I look? Is the Zorro costume paying off? Do I look interesting and mysterious?”
“Mysterious. Shady. What’s the difference anyways?”
I payed no mind to Steve’s comment; my tunnel vision was focused on Chiquita now. I
made my way through the dense crowd of people toward Chiquita Banana. With each shuffle
forward I could see more and more frequent glimpses of Chiquita Banana across the long dorm
room. Her blue and yellow costume ruffled as she swayed to the music with her friends. I

6. BRDZ 6
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admired the fruit basket she had on her head, and especially her melons. I felt inspired as I
whispered the Chiquita Banana song while I slowly approached her. “I'm Chiquita banana and
I've come to say - Bananas have to ripen in a certain way - When they are fleck'd with brown and
have a golden hue - Bananas taste the best and are best for – ” Suddenly I froze in place. I
didn’t even blink. She was looking this way! I was a deer in headlights. My machismo shriveled
and deflated like a balloon. Panic stricken, I whirled around to find myself face to face with
Norman Bates. Mortified by his slight smile, I ducked out of the way and bobbed and weaved
my way back to the bar.
“What happened?” Steve asked.
“She looked at me.” I gasped.
“And?”
“And what? I was on my way and I was trying to see where she was. Next thing I know
and she looks at me and we make eye contact. I didn’t know what to do! A backflip? It was just
like spotlights! I felt like I had to do something too. Like that was my moment. And I just
stared.” I got up and started shaking Steve Irwin silly. “I just stared at her like a damned fool! I
just stared! Oh, Chiquita!”
“Uh-oh. Don’t look over now but…” Steve motioned towards Chiquita who was now
being approached by Norman. Next the group of girls along with Chiquita Banana was promptly
leaving the room.

7. BRDZ 7
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“He scared her away?! No! Oh God, why?” I pulled off my mask and shook it in the air.
“I knew that Teletubbie wasn’t going to bring any good and now look.” I threw up my hands and
slowly dragged my feet over to Donald’s futon.
Steve came over and plopped himself down next to me. He surveyed the decreasing
energy in the rest of the room. Chiquita and her friends’ departure were felt by the whole room
as the pitch of the chatter lowered considerably when the door shut behind them. Many of the
original group of pre-gamers now stood around dispassionately sipping from solo cups. Steve
and I knew something had to be done but alas I was too demoralized. Steve mustered up his
focus through his beer goggles and jumped up onto the bar only to stumble off again. On the
fourth try Steve finally stabilized himself on the bar. To be honest it was inspiring seeing him try
and try again to surmount the bar stool and then the bar. Without warning, Steve started furiously
clapping in some sort of clapping fit. The rest of the group and I turned toward him.
“Hey. Hey! Hey. Gentlemen. Look, we’ve lost a few people. But that’s okay. Ya know
why? Because we are here with friends. Right now. No offense to Donald but this isn’t the dream
party and that’s ok. But it’s what we’re doing and it’s fun! We are here. Getting fucked up.
Together. With friends. Okay! Shots with friends! Let’s go!” Steve tried to get a slow clap to
catch on with the group but that was pushing it. “Okay, someone help me down.”
“That was amazing. I needed that.” I wiped a single tear from my eye. “I’m uh… going to
need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
I whistled the Chiquita Banana song on my way back to the room. I tried to imagine what
I would have done if I had talked to Chiquita but my brain seemed to glitch when I did. Of all my

8. BRDZ 8
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party fantasies none of them seemed to involve dialogue. Lost in the Chiquita Banana tune, I was
not expecting to run into her in a serendipitous collision while turning a corner.
Petrified and confused, all I could manage was, “S-s-sorry!”
“Sorry!” Chiquita said as well in her classic dulcet tones. “Um. Were you at that party
earlier? We just went to the bathroom but some creepy guy gave us the wrong directions and we
got turned around. We’re trying to get back in but I don’t think anyone can hear us over the
Nicki Minaj. Do you know anyone inside?”
I could only nod and let out a petrified giggle.
“Hey, we have Spanish together right?”
“Yes!” I said like an eager puppy. “You sit by the window, right?” Easy now.
“Yea, it makes it easier to day dream… about you.” Chiquita ripped off my mask and
pulled me close then she laid down a sloppy smooch. She looked my costume up and down. “I
like your sword.” I cherished every second.
I couldn’t believe what happened next because none of it did. I suddenly returned to
reality and the realization that I have been blankly starring at her for the past ten seconds or so.
Chiquita let out a small awkward laugh. Shit.
“Sorry, I was just showing you my daydreaming impression.” Did I really just say that?
“No te preocupes. That was smooth.” Chiquita smiled. Smooth? I’m smooth? I’m
smooth! Ayyye Chi chi!

9. BRDZ 9
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Steve finally opened the door just then letting the music flood into the hallway. Chiquita
entered first and I followed. Beaming and wide eyed, all I could manage was a low whisper,
“Chiiiiiiquiiiiiiita.”, as I passed by Steve.