This is a story about my personal journey raising a daughter with Bipolar disorder.

1. CONTROLLING CHAOS
A family with Bi-Polar Disorder
Is there a lighter side?
Tammy Copechal-Beach
Eng. 102
Dr. Nora

2. This is a story about a family who found the strength and courage to pull
Sunshine from the chaos

3. I would like to dedicate this book to my Mother Dawn and my Aunt Rose
One gave me a backbone to be resilient,
The other the patience to temper it

4. I am tired of
YOU’RE FUCKING IGNORANT
I am tired of
FUCKIN STUPID ASSHOLE
I am tired of
YOU’RE A FUCKING RETARD
I am tired of
YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH
I am tired of
YOU FUCKING FREAK
I am tired of
YOU’RE STUPID
I am tired of
YOU’RE FUCKING LAZY
I am tired of
FUCKING SLUT
I am tired of
YOU FUCKING CUNT
I am tired of
IM GONNA SLIT YOUR THROAT AND SET OFF A BOMB
Can’t you just say, I am sorry mom
I am tired of
FUCKING WHORE
I am just tired
So please…. no more
Author
Tammy Beach
LET THE CHAOS BEGIN

5. This is a story about your everyday, typical, dysfunctional, average
American family. There is no such thing as a family without problems. Some
families have a parent who is an alcoholic or a child with asthma. Maybe you
could have a grandparent with Alzheimer’s. Every family has some sort of issue
they have to deal with. This is just one story, about one family, from one person’s
point of view, and how they dealt with their dysfunction. This is my story.
Hi. I am not sure how to start this book or for that matter write it.
Therefore, I think I am just going to go with what I know and how I talk. I think it is
important that you get to know our family. Who we are, how we live, and where
we live. Let me introduce myself, my name is Jane Deer, the answer to your
question is yes, I am changing everyone’s name. My husband will find the name
change funny considering he is an avid deer hunter. His name by the way will be
John Deer, funny huh? So, back to what I was doing. I am happily married to
John; he is a brick and block mason, and owns his own company. He is by no
means a weak or small man. He is a perfectionist when it comes to work; his
philosophy is, “a jobs not done unless it’s done right.” As I stated he is an avid
deer hunter, sometimes I think I have to wear antlers just to get a little action. He
is however a very kind and generous man. It has been 20 years and I have not
gotten rid of him yet, I think I will keep him. I like to think of myself as a kind and
caring person. I worked in a pre-school, specializing in autism, for 7 ½ yrs. I
would like to think I have the patience of a saint. We are blessed with three very
different children. Kyle, age 20, has an IQ of 143. He should be a politician. He is
a charmer and loves to debate an issue until its dead. Next is Kalee, age 17, with
an IQ of 136. She has the persistence and determination of a starving mosquito.
Then there is my baby girl Karee. She is 14, has never had an IQ test, and is the
next Martha Stewart, minus the jail time hopefully.
Included in our family is; Mama Mia (our St. Bernard), our cats, Tigger and
King Chuck or fatboy as I like to call him, 4 Rats; Sophie, Tink, Cookie, and
Scabbers, and last but not least a Chinese Water Dragon. She really doesn’t
have a name except when she escapes. Then John has a few choice names for
her when he finds her in the laundry basket. There is my sister, Nurse Ellie Rn,
who lives just one block away. She is married with children, Adam age 12 is
diagnosed with Autism, kids with autism typically have a hard time in verbal, no-
verbal, social communication, and leisure or play activities.
(NationalAutismAssociation (nd). There is also her daughter, April age 9. Why is
this important? They play a huge part in our family. I was raised in a large family
and where taught that family comes first. Later on, you will understand why I
mention this. We live in a 4-bedroom home on the river. In a picturesque small
town sort of like Mayberry, love it or hate it, this is my family.

6. I would like to start off by introducing you to my girl Kalee. She is the
second to be born and the first to hit the ground running. Being born at only 4lbs
she was determined to survive, by the time she was 3 months old she was in a
walker, with towels stuffed around her to keep her in, watching basketball on TV.
This was the only way I could get her to stop crying. She can be completely
independent at times and entirely attached to my hip at others. She has an
indomitable spirit and hates the word no and has been my most challenging
child. I would find her playing in her bedroom at all hours of the night and still be
ready to go during the day. The doctors however could find nothing wrong with
her, which was a relief and heartache at the same time. At the young age of 2
she was diagnosed with sever migraines and night terrors. Despite lack of sleep
and debilitating headaches she was always looking for something to do.
Kalee was a beautiful toddler, with strawberry blonde hair and big grey
eyes, with a laugh and smile that was contagious. She was a firecracker from
the start and never sat still. From the moment she woke up, until the moment she
fell asleep, she was on the go. Not only was she extremely active, she was very
demanding. She was a tiny little thing, who would stomp her little foot and
command everyone’s attention. At just 5 years old, she decided to find her
independence.
It was a beautiful warm summer day, one that makes you want to be
outside and feel the sun on your back. The smell of the fresh cut grass was
intoxicating. There was a warm gentle breeze coming off the river that cooled the
skin without being cold. It was the kind of day that’s perfect for taking off your
shoes, getting down in the dirt and planting flowers. Kalee and I went out to the
garden to get really messy. We were planting flowers in the garden for about one
hour, Kalee asked to play with Sally, who lives four houses down.
”Mom can I play with Sally?”
“You don’t want to stay and help me plant flowers anymore?”
“No, Sally has a new puppy. I want to play with it.”
“Alright, but you stay there and don’t go anywhere else okay.”
“Okay, can I ride my bike?”
“Yes, just stop at the intersection and look for cars”
“Its okay mom they’ll stop”
“Ha ha not funny little miss, just stop at the intersection okay”
“Okay mom”
I watched her ride her bike to Sally’s house and enter the yard. I went back to
my gardening. About 45 minutes later the phone rang. It was my friend Janet
who works at the gas station that happens to be about ½ of a mile from my
house and across railroad tracks and down a major road.
“Do you know where your daughter is?” Janet said.
“She is supposed to be at Sally’s house but obviously she is not if you’re
calling and asking that question."
I got into my car and picked up Kalee and her bike. For fear of losing my

7. temper I kept my mouth shut during the 2-minute ride back home.
Kalee; however, did not.
“Mommy aren’t you proud of me. I buyed my own pop."
It took all the patience I could muster to not scream at her, as I asked,
“Didn’t all the cars and trucks scare you?”
“No mommy they would have stopped for me if I told them too."
According to bpkids.org, this is what they call grandiose
delusions. A grandiose delusion is when a person or child thinks they are
invincible, have super human powers, and that the laws of nature do not apply to
them (CABF, 2002). It took everything in my power to not spank her little bottom
and send her to her room for the rest of her life. She was grounded to my side
for the rest of the summer. By the time she was nine, she had taken the jet ski
for a little ride, told a police officer off, and turned our home into a battleground.
Several times, I had asked her pediatrician if she could have ADHD. His
comment was that she was just a “high maintenance child”. I grew to hate that
term. Over the years, she turned into a strongly independent, willful, determined
child. At 11 years old, she was jumping out of moving cars. When asked why she
did this, with tears in her eyes she said, “I just couldn’t sit in the back no more
mom. I had to get out, I couldn't breathe". Her pediatrician finally agreed she
needed to be evaluated.
Our family was diagnosed with a disability. We were diagnosed
with Bi-Polar Disorder with a co-morbidity of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity
Disorder or BPD/ADHD. Wow what a mouthful. Were we scared? Hell yes! Both
John and I have experience with BPD. John’s sister- Marie, my mother -Dawn
and my cousin -Lynn all have BPD, it’s a family affair. My first introduction to
someone with BPD was my mother. I can remember there where times when she
would lock herself in her room for days and just cry. Then it would be all over and
she would be the best mom ever. At the time though it wasn’t called BPD it was
called Manic Depressive. It is important that the general public knows that
“Bipolar disorder is a serious but treatable medical illness.” (CABF Professional
Advisory Council, 2002). “The causes of Bipolar disorder aren’t always clear.
Scientists are studying it to find out more about possible causes and risk factors.”
(NIMH, 2009). I am not sure where I heard this but there is some evidence linked
to there being a genetic aspect to the disorder. This aspect of the disorder is new
and still being researched. I am convinced and believe that it is genetic, just look
at how many there are in my family. In one article on a study performed at
Ludwig-Maximillion University in Munich, Germany says, “family histories of
bipolar disorder were shown in many previous studies to be key variables to
differentiate between bipolar and unipolar disorders.“ Blackwell Munksgaard
(2003). The symptoms of BPD can vary greatly from mild to severe and there are
several types of BPD. There is also Childhood onset Bipolar Disorder, (CBD),
which can be hard to diagnose because the symptoms are very similar to ADHD.
If I had known what life was going to give me would I have changed anything?
No, I love my children just the way they are.

8. With Bipolar Disorder you will find behaviors such as; trouble sleeping
and a very short temper. You might also find appetite changes, trouble staying
focused, irritability and racing thoughts. (Dowden Publications, 2008) This is a
physical disability that manifests itself mentally. It is not a deficit of character; it is
a deficit of their chemical make-up. There are chemicals that our body produces
that help us function. Serotonin is the chemical that wakes us up and keeps us
up. Dopamine helps us fall asleep; it is also known as the “feel good” chemical. I
was told that my daughter's brain could be producing unusually high amounts of
the chemicals; serotonin and testosterone, and not enough dopamine. There are
however, at the time, no tests that could determine this. Translated, it means she
can stay up for long periods of time and be as mean as a bear if you fall asleep
while she’s still up.
Western Psychiatric Institute of Pittsburgh diagnosed Kalee with Bi-
Polar 2 Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder at the age of 12. BP Two
is also called rapid cycling bpd or severe mood swings all the time. She can go
from happy to extreme aggression in a matter of seconds. Add ADHD on top of
that and you have one hot mess. I also feel that she has selective mild colloquial
Tourette’s syndrome, she has a bad habit of saying inappropriate words at
random and sometimes not so random times and when she is stressed or
nervous she has facial twitches. Tourette’s is a neurological disorder that causes
facial and or vocal tics. (NINDS, July 15, 2008).
Just imagine that Dr. Jeckle was a woman, who says what she
wants to say, with extreme PMS, who just found out her boyfriend is gay and is
sleeping with her brother. Now that’s what I call a roller coaster ride, can we say
homicidal maniac? This is what Kalee’s personality looks like. Some days she
laughs, cries and screams in one breath. Before medication, she used to be able
to stay up for 9-11 days at a time, with little to no sleep. Then, she would crash
for about three days and start the process all over again. Most nights she would
sleep for about 1 ½ hours. I would try to stay up with her as long as I could. This
was next to impossible. It was during these long nights that I learned a lot about
my daughter. I knew she slept with the TV on, but I didn’t know it is because she
is terrified of the dark. I soon found out her favorite station is Nickelodeon. I know
more about SpongeBob than any adult should. I knew she loved animals, but I
didn’t know she doesn’t like them in her room, she doesn’t want them getting on
her bed. Some nights we would make popcorn and watch “old” funny movies like
"Uncle Buck" or the “National Lampoon” movies which really are not so old.
Other nights she would talk, and talk, and talk, until I fell asleep. Other nights I
would wake up to find her staring at me. When I asked her what the problem
was, she said “mommy I just had to make sure you are breathing and you didn’t
die.” This disturbed me just a bit. The doctors told me to be patient, that with the
right medication it would get better. I thought it was going to fix all our problems.
The medication was only the beginning. It takes at least a year to find
the right combination of drugs and when experimenting with different
combinations of drugs, you have to wait until the old medication clears out of

9. your system before starting a new one. This takes about two weeks. Even then,
you may not see any kind of improvement. I like to consider myself an informed
parent. I found an excellent website called about.com, this is where I would go to
find information on the different medications she was given. Medication can help
a person get on with life, despite the difficulty coping with the problems (Franklin,
D.J.Ph.D., 2003).
I was hopeful that medication would be our miracle. The first trial
medication was Topomax, which is a migraine medication, though; it is supposed
to work with BPD patients. Boy did it work; it caused her migraines to get worse
and her to become more aggressive. Her doctors agreed that it wasn't working.
Three long weeks later, they tried her on Abilify. This one seemed to work. Until
she started crying and wishing she could just die.
In the many years that followed she has tried Tegretol, Amitriptalyne,
Depakot, Lexapro, Lithium, Lorazepam, Trazadone, and Propranolol just to
mention a few. That's not even scratching the surface of the different
combinations they tried. Finally, after three very long years, right before her 15th
birthday, we found the combination that worked, Risperadol and Concerta. With
this discovery, also came side effects. Some of the mild side effects are;
drowsiness, dry mouth, increased length of sleep, joint and stomach pain, sore
throat, stuffy and runny nose. (Ortho-McNeil Janseen Pharmaceuticals,
Inc.20002009). That is for the Respiradol alone.
The Concerta is a stimulant used for ADHD, which causes dry mouth
and a decreased appetite. (Mcnall Pediatrics, 2008). However, the benefits
outweigh the side effects. I think we have a keeper. Kalee was able to go to sleep
and stay asleep for more than two hours a night. She was also a little more
pleasant to be around. Her mood swings decreased and she was able to just sit
still for more than 60 seconds. I thought that we had been through the worst of it.
Little did we know, the storm was just beginning to brew.
I’m sure that as you read some of the things Kalee has done, you’ll
say that’s just typical teen behavior. Keep in mind that she is not a typical teen.
She has some mild OCD’s. She is always checking her room and making sure
everything is in its place. She is also mildly paranoid. Taking her to the mall is not
an option, she would think other girls are staring at her and laughing. We were
out shopping looking for her first middle school dance dress. We had gone into
JC Pennys and were looking in the juniors section; God had blessed her with a
mature figure at a young age. We were looking at some really soft velvety,
revealing dresses. I said to her “No you can’t get that one; everyone will see your
breast.”
“So, who cares?”
“I do”
“You don’t matter”
“Yes I do. I’m your mother and I have the last say so”

10. She said, in a very conversational tone “mom, tell that bitch to quit looking at
me.” There was a woman of about 53, 20 feet from us, looking through the racks.
I replied “Kalee lower your voice, she’s not even looking at you!”
“Yes she is, she’s starring at me”
“No she is not, but if you keep making a scene she will be looking at us, one
more time and we will leave”
“You’re a bitch I hate you”
“Ok lets go, we’ll do this another day”
“I fuckin hate you” as she storms out the door and shoves people out of the
way.
She also doesn’t like to be touched, her skin is very sensitive and it hurts her.
Some of her other symptoms are: laughing at inappropriate times, very short
temper and highly aggressive. She also talked and thought about sex more than
usual for a girl at age 12.She engaged in risky things, had trouble staying
focused and suicidal thoughts. She suffers from insomnia but doesn’t feel
drained and had no interest in fun activities. These were just some of the atypical
things we had to deal with. Kalee has a true Jeckle/Hyde personality. The person
she is at school and when we are not around, is completely different from who
she is with us. I think that this is partly my fault. I had told her that I didn’t care
how she acted at home as long as she was respectful in other people’s homes
and didn’t embarrass me in public. We would always hear “your daughter is such
an angel; I wish my kids were as well behaved as her.”At home though, we would
call her cyclone Kalee. The minute she would turn walk through the door she was
turning the house upside down. She would demand that Karee get off the
computer. “Let me on there” she would say.
“No” Karee replied.
“I said get the fuck off”
“No, I was on here first”
“Get the fuck off now”
“No”
As she grabs Karee by the face she screams, “I’m going to fucking kill you
stupid cunt if you don’t get off the computer now.”
With tears streaming down her face Karee cries, “Fine, whatever, I’m telling
mom”
“Go ahead there’s nothing she can do about it”
This was our everyday life. We were always cleaning up the emotional
messes she would create. When big sisters are supposed to protect and look out
for you, she was causing her’s to cry. Karee was turning into a victim of
emotional and verbal abuse. She had become quiet, shy, and avoided her sister
at all costs. In school she was the girl who sat in class and never spoke or got in
trouble. She was turning into the child who is over-looked. She is such a good girl
that even at home she was getting ignored. In hindsight, I found that these are
the children who do commit suicide, or bring guns to school and take their anger
out on others. Thankfully this is not how she is maturing. I started to do things
with her just one on one. Like mommy daughter dates, we would include Kalee
on some of these, but most were just her and I. When I saw that this was working

11. I included the rest of my family. It turned into; Mommy/daughter dates, mommy/
son dates, mommy/hubby dates, daddy/daughter dates, daddy/son dates and
eventually family dates. Kalee always enjoyed these unless she had other plans
then it was a fight to get her to go. On those days that we forced her to go we
would pray that she acted like a regular teenage girl. You know, girls who are
respectful of their parents, or maybe point and giggle at boys if there were any
around. That was only wishful thinking. At least none of this has affected her in
school, yet.
Then middle school came along. In 6th grade, she got into her first
fight. She was actually trying to defend a smaller child from the school bullies.
However, because she says what is on her mind, regardless if you are an adult
or not, she was kicked out of school. I could go on and on about small town rural
school systems and how they show favoritism. This is a sore spot for me and a
completely different book. In retrospect, I am actually glad that she attends a
specialized school. She is receiving a far better education than she would if I
fought to keep her in the public school. Although, it’s a different placement, she is
following the same curriculum as her peers; just with adaptations (Beach
T.2009).She has some of the most supportive teachers and staff that I have had
the pleasure to work with. They have taken the time to get to know her and her
family, find out what works best for her and what her learning style is. I am now a
firm believer that it is not the student who cannot learn, it is the teacher who
cannot teach. Time and again the teachers at Colonial, IU1 Campus, have shown
that a good teacher will get to know their student, but a great teacher will find out
how they learn. I digress though; all pre-pubescent middle school kids have
issues. Most teachers will tell you that they are the worst age to try to teach.
Kalee had a full plate, yet for the most part her behaviors were manageable.
Although she attends a specialized school, she is allowed to participate in any
sports or extracurricular activities that her home school offers.
In seventh grade she tried out for the cheerleading squad for the sixth
time, and she made it. I have never seen a girl more proud of herself. The year
started off great, she had plenty to do with practice and then games. She would
come home from practice so exhausted, that she would sleep for at least 3-4
hours a night. Then the season ended and it was back to the same old pattern of
being up all night. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
At 3:25 am on December 13th, 2004, Kalee came storming in my
bedroom, screaming.
"Mom wake up, Kyle is being an asshole."
"What do you mean?"
"He's been in the bathtub for 2 hours and won't let me in, I have to go pee."
My heart sank like a stone. Kyle is a very predictable son. He comes home
from school, grabs a snack and goes up to his room to play video games. He
always takes a shower, never a bath and takes it before school. There was

12. something seriously wrong. With dread and my heart pounding out of my chest, I
race to the bathroom as fast as possible and knock on the door. I call his name
several times,
“Kyle open the door.” no answer.
“Kyle honey open the door now…please.”
"If you don’t answer me I am coming in."
“All right I’m coming in, so if you’re naked I’m going to see everything”
What I saw completely devastated me. The air was heavy with the smell
of iron and burning dust. My only son was sitting in cold bath water, which had
been tinged red, holding an old electric heater just inches from the water. The
pain and tears I saw etched on Kyle’s face will be forever burned in my mind. I
have no idea where I found the strength to remain calm that night. I gently shut
the door and said,
“Honey, please don't, I'm sure we can find a solution to what’s making you hurt.
Let’s just talk about it, okay."
“Nothing’s going to make it stop, mom”
“Just tell me what’s wrong, okay”
“I can’t”
“Please honey please don’t do this…it’s not the answer”
“It’s too late mom”
“It just hurts too much, I can‘t think anymore mom”
“Do you just not want to tell me?”
“Why doesn’t anyone like me?”
As He’s talking, I used my foot to knock out the plug from the wall, right
before he dropped the heater in the water. It seemed like it took a lifetime.
“NO Kyle… are you okay”
“No mommy help me please”
“Here stand up so I can put this towel around you”
“I can’t I’m too weak, why did you stop me”
“Because I love you and you saved my life when I got pregnant with you, your
meant to be here, now let’s get you out of here and upstairs too your room”
Kalee had been standing on the other side of the door the whole time.
“Kalee, go call your Aunt Ellie, tell her we need her over here now, I’m going
to take your brother upstairs to get dressed and then were going to the hospital”
“It’s my fault isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not. Now will you just please call your Aunt, this an emergency”
“Okay”
My handsome, sarcastically funny, happy, 16 year old son almost
succeeded in committing suicide. He had slit his wrist's twice and when that
didn’t work, was going to electrocute himself. He was admitted at Mon Valley
Hospital that night under 24 hour supervision. When I finally got home, I went up
too his room and cried. As I’m cleaning up the wet towels and getting him some
clothes for in the hospital, I found a suicide note that was dated three weeks
earlier. This is what it said;

13. “Mom and Dad,
I am sorry that you have to do this. I just couldn’t take my heart
hurting no more. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me. Why don’t I have
a girlfriend like everyone else? Am I that ugly? Am I gay? I don’t think so, I tried
looking at boys but it was just gross. I feel so alone, like there’s no-one else like
me. I’m just tired of not being able to sleep. My brain keeps racing with all these
thoughts and I just don’t know what to do with them. It just hurts and I’m tired so
I’m going to go now it’s time. I love you.
Kyle”
I was completely devastated. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to.
The only thing that kept running through my mind was not Kyle, please not
another child with Bipolar Disorder, I don’t think I can take anymore.
Those who suffer from bipolar disorder, a non-curable disorder, can feel
lonely, judged, and different (Manic’s Dance, nd). After three weeks in the
hospital, he was diagnosed with BPD/Anxiety Disorder, or possibly emerging
Schizophrenia. The doctors weren’t quite sure since schizophrenia can’t be
positively diagnosed until about 22 years of age. We never saw it coming, he was
always so happy. Kalee had inadvertently saved her brother’s life. Shortly
thereafter her behaviors got worse. She had blamed herself, saying if she was a
better sister and didn’t cause problems, this would have never happened. We
tried to explain to her that he had the same disability just a different type. She
just didn’t understand and ran away. We knew where to find her, she always went
to the same place, this wasn't the first time she had run away. All this was just
too much for one family to take. We had finally reached our breaking point. There
was a time when I thought that maybe we should just pick up and move to
Virginia with John’s brother. Maybe a different environment would help, but it
wasn’t an option we could afford.
I am glad that we live in Pennsylvania. Other families afflicted with
Bipolar Disorder are not so lucky. There is a growing trend in families that have
either poor health care or depleted savings. “A federal study reported that 12,700
young people with mental illnesses and severe behavior disorders have been
turned over to state custody for treatment, about 9,000 into juvenile detention
and the rest in foster care. Loving and responsible parents who have exhausted
their savings and health insurance face the wrenching decision of surrendering
their parental rights and tearing apart their families,” the federal commission said
(Tanner, J.2004). After reading this, I was one of those people who said “I would
never turn over custody of my child just to get help.” Never speak unless you
have walked in others shoes. They call it tough love for a reason.
After 9 stays in 6 different residential treatment facilities, 3 different
schools, family therapy, individual therapy, 2 behavioral specialists, and a
partridge in a pear tree, we placed her in foster care. Yes, we released all

14. parental rights to our daughter. We felt we had no other option. Grounding didn’t
work. Sending her to grandma’s house didn’t work. When we tried to stop her
from leaving she would become physically violent. Kalee had been on several
drug runs and was drinking. She was actively smoking pot and cigarettes. She
had watched her so called friend shoot heroin and left the house whenever she
felt like it. She had become sexually active and stole money from family and
friends. She was choking her little sister and causing her big brother to punch
holes in the walls, instead of hitting her and physically and verbally abusing us.
She had also attempted suicide. All this by the time she turned 15 years old. We
were at a loss as to what to do with her. As a parent, I felt like such a failure. I
had failed to protect her and I failed to protect Kyle and Karee. We had to find a
solution that would provide sanity and safety for us all. Her ICM, or Intense Case
Manager, suggested we try the tough love route and we did. It was one of the
hardest things I have done. She said we did not want her anymore. That we were
just giving up on her. We had no idea what to expect. March 28, 2007, Kalee’s
ICM picked her and her suitcase up, to take her to her new home. As I watched
them drive away, my heart shattered into a million pieces, knowing I wasn’t
allowed any contact with my daughter for three months. Tough love sucks.
Kalee proved to be tougher. May 18, 2007, her foster mother called the
ICM crying. She had enough and just could not take her anymore. Kalee was
packed up and sent back home to us. What are we going to do with her? Maybe
sending her away was enough. Things seemed to go okay for a while. It was the
end of the school year and she was trying to be a little more in control of herself.
Summer was almost here and it was going to be a hot one. Thank god we have a
swimming pool. July 16, 2007, turned out to be an unusually humid day. Karee,
Mariah (Karee’s friend) and Kalee were in the pool.
Kalee wanted Adam and April to come over to swim.
“Mom call Aunt Ellie and tell her to send the kids over. “
"That's not a good idea you hate it when they splash”
“Please! Please! Please! I promise I’ll be good!”
“I’m telling you now, you better behave or you’ll be grounded.”
“Whatever.”
Her idea of swimming is floating on raft. We have gotten into many arguments
because of this. I’m always telling her they are just kids and that is why we have
a pool. However, she insisted and promised to be on her best behavior.
Therefore, Adam and April came over. Things went good for a while.
Karee and Adam were goofing off on the deck. Adam said, “I bet you can’t
walk on the water” Karee replied “yes. I can”
“Let me see”
“Just watch me, I’ll show you how” she proceeds to the edge of the deck, puts
one foot forward and splash into the water she goes.
“That’s not how you do it” Adam runs, jumps, and pulls his knees to his chest

15. and SPLASH. The water was everywhere. It was the perfect cannonball.
Well that was not such a good idea. Kalee was on the deck and got drenched.
With water dripping from her hair and phone, she went from Betty Crocker to
Freddy Kruger in 0.1 seconds. She started screaming;
“If you don’t get the fuck out of my mother fuckin god damn fucking pool I’m
going to slit your throat!” Adam is autistic and only 10 at the time. He had no
idea what her problem was, so he splashed her again and was laughing. This
was going to get ugly. She jumped in the pool and started to choke him. I said
“Get off him right now” She was so infuriated that her face was blood red and
she wasn’t hearing anything anyone said to her. Adam managed to break free
and get to the edge of the pool, Kalee followed him. I grabbed her and calmly
said,
“You need to let go and get the hell out of the pool.”
It took her a minute to realize what she was doing. She got out of the pool and
ran in the house screaming;
“I’m going to slit you’re throat when you’re asleep if you don’t get Adam the
hell out of my fucking pool, I don’t ever want him over here again!”
“This is my house and you do not make the rules here. “
"There you go like you always do, picking his side over your own daughters!
I'm fucking leaving and you will never see me again!"
"If you walk out that door I’m going to call the cops."
"Go ahead and call the cops you stupid fucking cunt whore bitch, there's
nothing they can do about it."
She left and I picked up the phone to call the cops. She came slamming
back into the house, ripped the phone out of the wall, smashed it on the ground
and left again. I had to use Karee's friend’s cell to call 911, how embarrassing. By
the time the police arrived, she had returned home and locked herself in the
laundry room. They asked if I wanted to press charges. I had no idea what to do.
John was in Virginia working with his brother. I had to protect my family. I let them
arrest her. There was a slight altercation and then they took her away in
handcuffs. Kalee had been charged with assault and battery on a minor, terrorist
threats, resisting arrest, and destruction of property. I didn't know that this was
the best thing I could have done at the time.
Kalee spent the next two weeks in a juvenile correction facility until her
court hearing. I spent the next two weeks crying. Not sure if I had done the right
thing and pretty much beating myself up about it. John didn’t help either. He said
that it would have never gone that far if I had just said no to Adam and April
coming over. He pretty much blamed me too. Here is where the family comes
first comment happens. Ultimately Kalee comes first, but not at the expense of
the others. I couldn’t exclude my nephew and niece just to keep peace in the
family; after all they are family too. When it was time for her court hearing I
expected to see her. However what happened was not what was expected. She
was sent to a juvenile detention center in Ohio, three hours away. She was at the

16. hearing through a teleconference TV. I saw my daughter dressed in that dreaded
orange jump suit with hand cuffs on her wrists and ankles, it is the last thing a
parent ever wants to see. When I asked her if she knew why I had her arrested
she said, “It’s because you’re a fucking whore and I hate you.”
The judge said she was not coming home that day. He felt that she could
use a little wake-up call. With tears running down my face I had to agree. After
spending a total of six weeks in a juvenile detention center, Kalee was allowed to
come home on the stipulation that she agreed to participate in the Leader
Program, which is an intense after school program that teaches them how to
respect themselves and others. She was also put on 3 months house arrest,
given one year of probation, and had to complete family therapy which included
re-teaching John and I how to deal with her behaviors. Adam and Kalee have
formed a better relationship. Having my daughter arrested was the hardest and
most wonderful thing that happened to our family.
As for Kyle, he was attending college but dropped out. I think it was too
much, too soon for him. He is an amazing artist and I try to encourage him to
keep at it and maybe sell his artwork. I am always telling him that there are
famous people with the same disorder and they have managed to be successful.
For example, Jim Carey, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton are all successful people in the
entertainment. Beethoven and Van Gogh are thought to have BPD and they were
successes in the fine arts industry. There are also some very important people in
the political eye that are diagnosed with BPD. Kitty Dukakis, Robert Boorstin,
P.A. To Pres. Clinton, and Lynn Rivers, US Congress, who are all strong pillars of
society. Winston Churchill, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln were also
thought to have BPD. (Bipolar Disorder Today (nd). They are proof that you can
overcome and succeed at life. There is hope; you just have to know where to
look.
“Bipolar Disorder affects 1 to 2 ½ percent of the population. Although the
illness of manic depression reaches even the rich and famous, the movie stars,
great singers, television personalities and artists-- much of the public still think
mentally ill people are in categories such as homeless, violent, people who are
basically weak and won’t pick themselves up by the boot straps”…and the list
goes on….much clouded with misconception and myth.” There is hope…you are
not damaged goods…you are not alone” (Manic’s Dance, nd).
I am always encouraging my family to read about what we were
diagnosed with. I think it is important to be knowledgeable; you can’t make
informed decisions otherwise. As I was researching for my book, I stumbled upon
a website that offers reviews of books on BPD. “The reviews are not those of a
professional critic, but by the parent of a 20 year old child diagnosed with BPD. “
(BPSO, 2009) Some are written by professionals, most are written by families
affected with the disorder. I found some books that I would like to read. There are
some that offer “a little light at the end of the tunnel.” I like to be hopeful that my
family will survive what life has handed us.

17. Kyle still struggles with his disability and I worry that maybe one day he
will accomplish what he tried four years ago. I’m not sure I can survive that kind
of loss. He is currently living with my sister. I would like to share a letter he wrote
recently about his disorder,
“My disability no longer affects me in any negative way. I’ve trained my
mind to such an extent, to where I now have the ability to turn off certain parts of
my brain. The only adverse affect of such an intense mental exercise is insomnia
and headaches. However I am fully prepared to except these trivial side effects
for peace of mind. I’ve now reached a heightened level of consciousness to
where my mind can run on auto pilot. I can now perform physical tasks without
being aware of my physical being. So am I angry for my disability, no I am glad.
For now I have increased thought process and memory storage. I believe that
everyone who is affected should study my techniques. They can only end in a
good way. Also the human race needs to learn that the mind is the most powerful
thing there is. Now I will sound crazy for these statements but they are as true as
this one. If we as a species can accept death as the last gateway we can all
attain a higher level of existence.”
I’m not sure what to think or say about this letter. He sounds like a real
nutcase. Should I be worried or should I believe he has made peace with his
disorder. I will never really know what goes on inside his head, I think it would be
a little too much for me to handle. I find it hard to put this person together with the
person I know, who is funny, handsome, artistic, and easy to get along with. Time
will only tell what the future brings. Until then “ya gotta laugh, at yourself and at
life, because it is what it is and only you can change it.”
In March of 2008, Kalee graduated from the Leader Program and was
finished with probation. She is currently in 11th grade and working on her senior
project. Her senior project includes; researching what it takes to be a special
education teacher and job shadowing in the Multiple Disabilities unit. She has
maintained a GPA of 3.62 for 2 years. She was also invited to be a student
ambassador and has been on the high honors list for the last 2 yrs. She has
come a long way. She will always have the disability. Now she is owning it and
taking the steps to live a productive and healthy life. She will always have
attitude, determination and that “I don’t care what people think of me” outlook on
life. I never want to change that about her. I just want her to channel it
constructively.
As Winston Churchill once said,
“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. “ (Winston Churchill
quotes.2009) Who by the way was also thought to have BPD. Maybe one day
she’ll make a big, positive difference, until then we will love her no matter how
she acts and try to redirect her as best as we can.
Kalee and Kyle will never see eye to eye. I can only hope that one day he

18. will be strong enough to accept her for who she is and her differences. Kalee is
trying to make the effort to patch things up between them. I think she’s doing a
good job. I catch him joking around with her every once in awhile. It will never be
perfect, but what sibling relationship is at that age. As for Karee, I immediately
enrolled her in a program at school where an outside counselor comes in to talk
to the kids that could use someone to talk too besides family. With everything
that she has seen and heard or had done to her, I thought it was important that
she had someone besides me to talk too. Kalee is busy mending that relationship
also. She has a lot of work to do.
John, however; still struggles with her disorder. He get frustrated with her
lack of respect and language. She does have an extreme potty mouth. It really
doesn’t seem to bother me. He doesn’t know, but I sometimes catch him
instigating her, which in the end gets ugly. He thinks that sometimes all she
needs is a good spanking. How are you supposed to spank a 17 year old
teenager? Now that’s something I would like to see. He would have to catch her
first. Hopefully with her maturity their relationship will also improve, until then he’ll
just have to get a prescription for Xanex and find the humor in it.
Karee, my youngest and most like me, little girl has blossomed into a
beautiful soul. She has patience and the courage to stand up to her sister now.
She is understanding and generous. She no longer sits at the back of the class
getting looked over. I enrolled her in dance classes which gave her confidence
and a sense of self-worth. She one day hopes to be an executive chief and own
her own restaurant. She can laugh with her sister and find the humor in Kalee’s
“weirdness” as she likes to call it.
My favorite saying is “live hard, love harder, laugh the hardest; you never
know what tomorrow will bring.” I have no idea who said that but it is so very true
in our family. I think that is why our marriage has survived. Most marriages don’t
survive a child with severe disabilities. Yes there is humor, but some people won’t
be able to find it. We, however; were able to find the humor of it all. Others will
read this and say I’m crazy. They would say things like, “Bipolar disorder is
nothing to joke about, and people die from Bpd.” Don’t get me wrong it is a very
serious illness. There are very serious times in our house where we struggle to
find the humor. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I cried myself to
sleep, thinking I did something wrong. I always woke up the next morning with
hope and optimism, saying “this is a new day, take it slowly and see what
happens.” That’s all anyone can ever do, is take things “one day at a time.” Life
in general is hard; you have to see the humor to survive. Don’t focus on the bad
days there will be enough of them, focus on the times you laugh. Hopefully it will
be together that you find the sunshine in the chaos.
I am sure there are going to be rough times, nothing worthwhile is ever
easy, but now we know how to rip sunshine from the chaos. I can now finally see
Kalee’s sunshine and it shines strong, independent, bright and bold, saying look
out world, you had better be ready because here I come.

19. I wrote this the summer before our lives changed. The sentiment
remains true to this day, my love will never end.
My Pixie Princess
Little precious one
My heart filled with joy
You were to be
My first little girl
Not my second little boy
Four years later
With hair of strawberry gold and eyes of grey
You flashed a mischievous smile
Ready to play
Little pixie princess
Tiny and petite
Pretty in a flower dress
So very very sweet
My love for you shall never end
Even though you try my patience
Again and again
My life is so much more
Thanks to you
The little girl I waited forever
Author Tammy Beach

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