1. Fair Fighting Guide for Couples
By:Jan Rakoff
Quite often when I see new couples in my
practice, conflict exists because they have not established basic ground rules for handling
disagreements.
If the two parties can agree on some basic (yet essential) boundaries to be respected in times
of conflict, they can spare themselves a tremendous amount of wear and tear and lost good will
in the relationship.
Here are some guidelines which have been proven helpful to couples in my practice. It is
recommended that you sit down together at a time when you’re not having conflict and review
these guidelines and see if you can agree on them.
1. Has a history of violence in the relationship? If so, there may need to be reassurance
that no violence will occur in the course of the discussion. It needs to be explicit: “Under
no circumstances will I use violence or aggression towards you during this discussion.”
Violence and aggression include throwing or smashing objects, using body language in a
menacing manner such as standing over your partner, clenching fists, and using cold, hard
stares to intimidate.
2. Are innocent bystanders present? Innocent bystanders include children, other friends
and family, and even pets. Children who grow up witnessing domestic violence carry scars
into adulthood. If you cannot take the discussion private in the moment, then wait until you have
privacy to proceed.
3. No screaming or yelling. Screaming and yelling represent threats of violence. They
indicates that you may have slipped into “fight mode” in which your physiological responses
have taken over your “wise mind.” If this has occurred, further discussion is not likely to be
beneficial. Take a timeout, compose yourself, and try again when both parties are calmer.
4. Give each other physical space. During your discussion, do not physically touch your
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2. partner. This includes caressing. Touch may be perceived as control or intimidation during times
of conflict.
5. Use assertive communication. This means using “I” messages. “I feel disrespected when
you come home late without calling. I need you to honor our agreements to call if you’re going
to be later than expected.” This allows you to maintain responsibility for your feelings and needs
and to avoid presuming that your partner intentionally hurt you. By using certain communication,
it is possible to stick to the issues at hand instead of escalating the situation by putting your
partner on the defensive.
Note that assertive communication can also be used to convey positive feelings, not just the
negatives or disappointments.
6. Do your best to stay in the present moment. Dredging up old issues or forecasting what
might happen in the future virtually guarantee that your discussion will not go well.
7. Accept that your mate may have different feelings, values, opinions, and ideas. You are
two different people. Insisting that your mate agree with you on every point is a form of
emotional abuse. Instead, try to keep an open mind and hear your mate completely.
Even if you feel strongly about your point of view, try taking some time to “digest” what your
mate is saying and keep the possibility open that you might even change your mind or perhaps
meet in the middle for a compromise.
8. Avoid “mind reading”. This is where you say things like “I know that you don’t love me. I
know that the only reason you’re here is because you feel sorry for me.” None of us has a
crystal ball. Allow your mate to fill you in on their feelings. That way, there is a greater chance
that you are dealing with reality. Do your best to take what your mate says at face value. By
doing so, it conveys respect.
9. Do not tease or insult your mate when you’re having discussions. Do not use putdowns
at any time, especially when having a disagreement. It’s a sure-fire way to evaporate any
goodwill between you and further polarize the situation.
10. Do not use name-calling when having an argument. This is a time to potentially increase
the respect between the two of you versus tearing it down.
11. Take turns when speaking. When your mate is speaking, Listen attentively and with
patience. If necessary, use a kitchen timer and a lot each person 5 min. to speak without being
interrupted. If you can keep an open mind, what you learn could be called “gold.”
12. Make the commitment to see the discussion through to a mutually agreeable
conclusion. If you escalate too much to proceed in a calm manner, take a break and agree on
a specific time to return to the discussion.
13. Absolutely no discussions should take place when one or both parties are under the
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