1. Changing Family Dynamics in Recovery
February 8, 2013
| Last Updated on Friday, 03 May, 2013 16:12
When we are in active addiction, we teach our family how to react and respond to us. Often we don’t
realize we are doing this and when we get clean, are shocked by how our family reacts to us. We
expect them to greet us with open arms and be ecstatic that we have stopped using drugs or drinking
alcohol. We want them to celebrate our achievement and shower us with love. That never happens.
“The reality is, we don’t deserve those things.”
What we have done is simply stopped messing up and become like every other responsible person on
the planet. That’s what getting clean is. When we are using, we are just shirking our responsibilities
and making the people around us pick up the slack. Getting high is a choice we make that involves
becoming dependent on the people around us and making them work harder to support us.
As a result, the people around us are happy when we get clean, but they still have some resentments
from when we were using, and that is understandable. Getting clean doesn’t undo the damage we have
done, it just means we aren’t doing more damage right now.
Excepting Our Actions
One of the things we have taught our family members is that we can’t be trusted. We ask for money for
food, clothes, gas, or any number of other ordinary necessities, but in reality we needed it for our
substance of choice. When they realize this, we lose all trust with them. This can make even minor
interactions substantially more difficult.
I recommend having a neutral third party present, preferably one who has experience with addiction
and has a significant amount of clean time, as they can help the family member understand your needs
and keep the recovering addict from manipulating the family member. Because, let’s face it, addicts
are charming and manipulative.
We had to be to get what we needed. We know how to play on people’s emotions and how to get them
to want to help us. We are great at playing the victim and can sell ketchup popsicles to women in white
gloves. We are predators pretending to be prey. Our drug silences our conscience, making us
sociopathic in our drive to get more of it. Lies, violence, intimidation, theft, all of these become
acceptable means for us to get what we want.
Rebuilding Trust
Like with most things worth doing, rebuilding trust takes time. We want it all back immediately, but
we have wounded and betrayed the people we love and they aren’t willing to do that. We will have to
earn it. Maintaining sobriety, making good decisions, helping them, holding a steady job, these are all
ways we can help show we’ve changed and earn back some of that trust.
One thing to remember is that it is often difficult for our families not to enable us. They love us and
want to help us as a result. I feel bad for my family loving me. I don’t deserve it and they deserve
better than me. So I try to be the best I can and make their lives as easy as I can.