How To Stay in the LDS ( Mormon ) Church After Losing Your Faith

How to Stay in the LDS Church After a Major Trial of Faith John P. Dehlin October 12, 2007

3 Disclaimers

Staying is not for everyone Especially if you have no interest in being social

I am not advocating disobedience This is oriented towards those who need radical solutions to keep from leaving the church completely

“I am not a role model”

My Story

My Story
5th generation LDS
Mormon world view
Very conservative theological and doctrinal LDS education
Served mission
Married in temple
“ Morally clean”
Aspired to high level church leadership positions
Called as early morning seminary teacher

In spite of 32 years of church education, didn’t ever learn about….
“ Peep stone in hat” treasure digging and translation of Book of Mormon
Credibility issues w/ the 3 and 8 witnesses
Multiple 1st vision stories, and the changing narrative of founding stories
Book of Mormon historicity issues
Book of Abraham papyri issues
Joseph Smith having 30+ wives, 8+ of them married to other men at the time they were sealed to Joseph
Post-Manifesto polygamy, and polygamy as a requirement for exaltation
The depth of the Temple/Masonry connections
The basics of Mountain Meadows (though lots about Haun’s mill)
The extent of female participation in priesthood ordinances
The extreme racist statements and opposition to civil rights by top church leaders
Etc., etc., etc.

I felt….
Deceived
Disappointed
Angry
Like it was all a fraud
Like I had a moral obligation to resign

I quickly discovered that I was not alone….not by a long shot

“ Dear John, For now I will let you know I am active but disillusioned somewhat. I used to be a hobby apologist but could no longer defend what became un-defendable. I am currently serving as the bishop of the XXXXXX, XX ward and am four years and 9 months into that call.” Three a week……

“ It was about two and a half years ago when I concluded much to my dismay that things really were not what I had always believed I had a strong and abiding testimony of. It has been very difficult to come to that point while serving as a bishop. But still I maintain my faith in God and Christ and much of what I have come to love from the LDS Church.”

Common causes of crisis….
Never received a satisfactory witness
Emotion vs. spirit
Inspirational non-Mormons
Doing the numbers
LDS church history
The marginalized
Abused in some way
Not being edified / bored
Often occurs in those who care too much, not too little.

The most common instincts…

Try to talk to loved ones or trusted leaders….to little avail

Try to discuss in Sunday School/Priesthood/Relief Society

Isolation and Depression

“ Mr. Dehlin, I came across your website by accident. But I have found something that I have been searching for, [for] a long time…”

“ I have been VERY naive in my faith with what I have been taught. In the last year…I started to realize that my testimony, the testimony that I held to so very close to my soul, was being attacked by what looked and acted like truth [and] that contradicted what I was taught. I began to feel betrayed.”

“ My immediate reaction was one of going to my close friends and family… all that did was make my relationships with them strain to a new high. I realized I was now on a island, all by myself, no one to talk to or pull from…”

“ And then something happened just recently, the Stake President called me to the Stake High Council. … very reluctantly, I accepted the call. So here I am, as a member of a Stake High Council with SERIOUS issues…”

” I have entered a very dark place. I refer to it as a dark place because what I believed was light, now seems dark.”

“ The church is either exactly what it claims to be, or the biggest fraud ever perpetrated upon mankind”

“ I would that ye be either hot or cold. But if you art luke warm, then I will spew thee out of my mouth!”

Can’t do hot. Can’t be luke warm (no spewing, please). What can I do?

Inactivity! (for some) and for others…..

Resignation!!!!!! The “cross the Rubicon, burn the bridges, Exit Letter” approach

Be aware of the costs/risks of this approach

Potential practical downsides to public resignation
Somewhat selfish/narcissistic -- your problems are not always their problems
Seems to lead to a downward spiral of cynicism, bitterness and negativity
High risk of alienation from LDS family, friends, and community
Can be highly disruptive to children / marriages
Important life decisions should rarely be made from a place of anger and pure emotion
Would you sell a car or house without having a replacement plan?
Gives you little room (from an ego perspective) to change your mind later

John, ….We continue to attend a local neighborhood church, which is fine except for the times that I miss being a Mormon. Do you know what I mean? I sometimes wonder if I can ever shake it, or if I'm supposed to? It's in my blood, to a certain extent. I think it's an emotional reaction, but it is real and I have to work through it. I would love to know how you are hanging in with the church. Is it working? I try to envision it, and find that there is so much I wouldn't be able to do and say that my ward would want me to do and say..... I don't know how I would make it work when I can't tow the party line. But I love many things about Mormonism. This is my dilemma....

Anger is a cancer

Avoid negative, critical, intolerant people

Embrace this stage. Prepare yourself for deeper levels of enlightenment, empathy, understanding.

I had to let it go David Wilcox

I watched it sinking down The treasure I’d almost found is gone I had been holding on so long I had to let it go

I wagered my heart and soul All of that weight in gold and dreams The man that I thought I should be I had to let it go

High above the broken opening I see A light of love is spoken Welcoming me

Now that I remember How this love can be Full of my surrender Emptying Into the deep blue sky

When it’s my time to fly away I can believe relieve this weight Now I can let it go Now I can let it go

All of this love I’ve saved I get to let it go.

Embrace this stage. Prepare yourself for deeper levels of enlightenment, empathy, understanding.

Why Stay?

Practical Reasons to Stay
Reinforcement of spirituality
Culture/identity (“my tribe”)
Community
Family
Children
Clean living
Undeniable good
Best there is?
Much of the doctrine
Make it better -- much pain to assuage
A place to serve, and be served
The hymns ROCK!!!!

Baby and bathwater

What I’m not saying…. That you can’t find this stuff outside the church, or that Mormons have a monopoly on any of this stuff

What I’m not saying…. No one should leave, and all will find misery

What I am saying….

Replacing all these things is perhaps possible, but in reality very, very hard The home schooling analogy

Rethink the role of religion

“ Religion is a realization -- not talk, not doctrine, nor theories -- however beautiful these may be. Religion is being and becoming, not hearing and acknowledging. It is not an intellectual ascent -- but the transformation of one’s whole life.” Swami Vivekandanda

While remaining open to literal truths, don’t minimize the importance of myth and metaphor

“ Myth is what never was, but always will be.” Joseph Campbell

The truth behind the “myths”
Divine worth (civil rights, respect, decency)
Prayer (meditation)
Faith (optimism)
Baptism (commitment)
Repentance (positive change)
Revelation (being “present”)
Service (love)
Priesthood power (natural law)
Authority/hierarchy (order, leadership)
Even if you were a 100% non-believer, consider the practical value behind messages like….

The truth behind the “myths”
“Traditional families” (important component of society)
Family Home Evening
Gender-based roles (order)
Genealogy (appreciation for history)
Personal purity (clean living)
Scripture study (deep thought, meditation)
Lay clergy (self-governance)
Tithing (sacrifice, charity)
Home teaching

The truth behind the warnings about leaving Many do find sadness, alienation, isolation, regret, etc. on the other end

Go slowly
Don’t burn bridges
Be careful who you talk to
Don’t try to “shock” or “enlighten” people
Where will go you? Is another church, or no church really the solution?
Many regret having left, or ultimately come back

Accepting Imperfection
You
Your spouse
Your family
Your employer
Your country
The world “Is it a Mormon problem, or a human problem?”

Adjust your expectations
The Church
Church leadership
Members
Ward experience
History

Unplug from caring about what others think of you religiously

Physician…heal thyself. Whatever weakness or anger you retain, will only follow you

On being a “Buffet Mormon”
Everyone falls short. Everyone.
Instead of getting depressed, embrace this notion.
I’m NOT encouraging this approach.
However, if push comes to shove….

Temple Recommend
Never lie or deceive
There will always be some disconnect between what the questioner and the answerer mean
Understanding the setup:
Intentionally vague questions
No additional questions allowed
You are the judge
Nobody’s perfect
Results may vary depending on the leader

Dealing with the main questions
God
Jesus
Restoration
Gordon B. Hinckley as prophet
Affiliation with anti-Mormon groups
Word of wisdom
Tithing

Raising Children
Be specific about why you go
De-program as necessary (but constructively)
Vengeful God
“ One trueness”
Infallibility of leaders
“ Better than non-LDS”
Bigoted God
Connections between race and cursings, homosexuality
Science and religion
Focus on the positive

It’s all about the people “ one one one” relationships

Focus on the “average” member, not the most vocal

Seek out like-minded folk Inactives, Quiet

Sometimes it’s the culture, not the leadership
5,000,000 active members
International church, multi-language
Hard to steer a very large ship
Focus on the sensible, reasonable folks
Ignore the more vocal, dogmatic ones
Better yet, learn to love them

Always protect yourself and your loved ones (Not just a church thing)

Supplement for spirituality
Good books
Nature
Family time
Meaningful friends
Exercise
Small groups

A place to serve, not to be served

Common Courtesy, Good Manners “ Treat devout LDS members at least as courteously as you would members of other faiths”

Understanding the “One True Church” Position
Successful, growing churches make absolute truth claims
The brethren sincerely believe this
Follow the Reorganized LDS Church’s model?
Learn to move past the binary world view. This is dangerous in or out of the church.

Seek to understand Why are people acting the way they are acting?

Understanding the Brethren’s dilemma
Raised devout
Mission, early marriage, work
Little time to dig deep
Sincerely believe
Past attempts at openness backfired
Undermining their own authority
Managing for the many, not the few

Understanding the root causes of orthodoxy in family/friends
Fear
Death of family
Depression
Addiction
Divorce
The Santa Claus analogy

James Fowler’s Stages of Faith
Stage 3: Everything in the world makes sense. All the pieces fit. You, or someone in your faith community, knows all the answers. Your thinking comes from trusted authority figures.
Stage 4: Life experiences cause you to acknowledge other perspectives as good and valid. Maybe mine is one among others. You begin to pull apart your beliefs (the fish), and to take responsibility for the formation of your own world view. Can lead to anger, bitterness and resentment in more conservative traditions. Danger is faling a bit too in love w/ your own positions.

Fowler’s Stages of Faith
Stage 5 (our goal): Finding more depth and meaning in the universe beyond rationalism/humanism. Re-immersion in and finding value in myth, tradition, imperfection. Finding new depths of meaning through embracing paradox
(light is both wave and particle). Transcendence.

“ Why the church is as true as the gospel” Eugene England

Holy Now by Peter Mayer

Holy Now , by Peter Mayer
When I was a boy, each week On Sunday, we would go to church And pay attention to the priest As he would read the Holy Word. And consecrate the holy bread And everyone would kneel and bow Today the only difference is Everything is holy now.
Everything, everything, Everything is holy now . . .

Holy Now
When I was in Sunday School We would learn about the time Moses split the sea in two Jesus made the water wine And I remember feeling sad that miracles don’t happen still But now I can’t keep track ’Cause everything’s a miracle
Everything, everything Everything’s a miracle . . .

Holy Now
Wine from water is not so small, but an even better magic trick is that anything is here at all. So, the challenging thing becomes not to look for miracles, but finding where there isn’t one.

Holy Now
When holy water was rare at best I barely wet my finger tips. Now I have to hold my breath ’cause I’m swimming in a sea of it.
It used to be a world half there heaven’s second rate hand me down but I’m walking with a reverent air ’cause everything’s holy now.

Holy Now
Read a questioning child’s face, to say it’s not a testament, that’d be very hard to say. See another new morning come, say it’s not a sacrament, I tell you that it can’t be done.

Holy Now
This morning outside I stood I saw a little red-winged bird Shining like a burning bush Singing like a scripture verse It made me want to bow my head I remember when church let out how things have changed since then, everything is holy now.

Holy Now
It used to be a world half there, heaven’s second rate hand me down Now I walk it with a reverent air ’cause everything’s holy now.

Inspired, and Maybe Even True
God
Jesus
Book of Mormon
Joseph Smith
President Hinckley
The Church
This is what “faith” and “the Holy Ghost” are really all about

Keep going to church. Keep praying. Keep reading the scriptures.

End with powerful stories

Stay Open An example: Ted Lyon

Making a difference by staying
Build credit
Serve, serve, serve
Spend it judiciously
Change hearts and minds one at a time

Not for everyone
Lots of work
Usually must really love people
“Fasten your seatbelts!!!!!”

Valuable Resources
“ Why the Church is as true as the gospel” -- Eugene England
“ What the Church means to people like me” -- Richard Poll
“ For Those Who Wonder” --Jeff Burton
http:// newordermormon.org --Ann Porter
“ How to stay in the LDS Church after becoming disaffected” --John Dehlin
“ Why people leave the LDS church, and what we can do about it” --John Dehlin
Sunstone & Dialogue
James Fowler’s “Stages of Faith”

“ It’s almost time” David Wilcox

“It’s almost time” Just across the sea on this world so round the sun’s shining hot right now. And even though the winter still surrounds this town I can still feel that sun somehow.

“It’s almost time” When I know that my sun will shine just as sure as this world can spin, I can hold on fine, ’cause it’s almost time, for that sun to come ’round again.

“It’s almost time” So I’ll walk beside the sea on this frozen ground where there once was a warm weather crowd. Even though that summer’s been a long time gone, I can still feel that sun somehow.

“It’s almost time” When I know that my sun will shine just as sure as this world can spin, I can hold on fine, ’cause it’s almost time, for that sun to come ’round again.

“It’s almost time” When your love grows cold and your heart grows dark and the blame seems to fall on you. Well look how seasons must change and don’t think it so strange that your love goes in circles, too.

“It’s almost time” And just know that your sun will shine just as sure as this world can spin, and I know you’ll find, that it’s almost time, for that love to come ’round again. We can hold on fine, ’cause it’s almost time, for that love to come ’round again.

How To Stay in the LDS ( Mormon ) Church After Losing Your Faith

by mormonstories on Feb 05, 2008

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