The first chapter inspirational ebook, motivation

The First Chapter
KERRY GIRLING

I want to dedicate this book to my most recent nephew whom
was born today at 1:55 am. I know that he’s going to lead an
amazing life and create amazing things. It was his strength that
allowed me to finish writing my last word today, no more than
twelve hours after he came to life on this planet. I look forward to
meeting you at the top Grayson 

“Each of us has a first chapter in our lives. It’s generally
the point in which you experience the most profound
things and the time when you make the most mistakes.
In the midst of it all, we experience pain and trauma
from the experiences within it. For us to move towards
happiness we need to first reflect back on our
experiences within the first chapter of our lives and
eliminate the hardship, anger, frustration, remorse and
sadness. From there, we can create a new level of
thinking that will allow us to create powerful and
positive results.”
KG Productions – Calgary Alberta,
Canada – 2012www.kerrygirling.com

Table of Contents
Introduction..................................................................................... 1
Getting to know me......................................................................... 5
The day I started writing this ........................................................ 10
The First Chapter .......................................................................... 13
Why I chose my career as a Motivator ......................................... 41
Life in Los Angeles....................................................................... 51
A lesson I’ve learned .................................................................... 57
Life with Melanie.......................................................................... 71
Life as an Actor............................................................................. 96
Moving on................................................................................... 105
About the Author ........................................................................ 111

The First Chapter
1
Introduction
I first want to thank everyone that found a copy of this book. I
really think it will help you in some of the most profound ways.
When I wrote it, I wasn’t sure if it was something that I wanted to
express to others; however, after making a few adjustments and
reading it a few hundred times, I was finally content with what I
had written.
This book was written as a memoire or a biography of my own
personal experiences within my first chapter of life. I wrote this
shortly after I went through an early life crisis. I had recently
separated from my wife, no more than fifty days after our
marriage began. I believe the divorce triggered the crisis initially
but it was my own self-limiting thoughts that defeated me
through the process. It was one of the most difficult phases I’ve
dealt with in my life but in the end, my inner crisis was a blessing
in disguise.
Writing these pages started out as a mechanism to get through
the tough times and emotional struggles I faced during my
divorce. Scribbling down my thoughts to memories that had
previously weighed me down did a great job at relieving the
tension that I harnessed for years. After I finished writing it, I had
no intentions of releasing it to the public until I read it two years

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2
later. At that point, I realized that I wanted to share my struggles
and my knowledge to other divorcees that were going through
similar experiences. I felt my story could help them deal with their
own personal struggles. Heck, the divorce rate is well over fifty
percent by now. Unfortunately, along with millions of other
trashed couples, I am now a part of this morbid statistic.
I'm about to share with you my most personal and heartfelt
experiences that I've gone through in my life. These are the types
of stories that the average person would be embarrassed to tell
their best friend but I will share them with you in hopes that you’ll
learn something valuable. Perhaps one of my stories will inspire
you to move forward and eliminate the negativity from your own
first chapter. Living from experience I can guarantee that you’ll
enjoy The Next Chapter of your life.
Within these pages, I’ll explain many stories that prove me unique
as a person and genuine as a motivator. Even though I’ve
contributed many positive things to society within my life, there’s
a much darker and mischievous past that I’ll reveal to you.In fact,
many of my experiences relate to failure, harsh mistakes and just
plain negativity. In reading this, I hope you’ll bring positive from
my negative experiences and learn something from each of them.
No matter what experiences you’ve dealt with in your own first
chapter I believe you'll learn something very valuable from this

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3
book. If you’ve dealt with divorce or are currently going through
one then I’m sure you can understand the magnitude of
emotional breakdowns and inner struggles that can occur from
time to time. Even if you haven’t gone through one, I’m sure
you’ve gone through other experiences that are as harsh as
divorce; perhaps the loss of a loved one. During these times,
heavy emotional feelings weigh in on our minds. Unfortunately
we can’t move forward with more positive things until we let go
of our negative feelings. By writing The First Chapter, I’ve learned
the answer to the question that everyone asks themselves when
their mind serves nothing but negativity, “How do I get through
these difficult times, and how do I get my mind grounded again
from these negative emotions?” The answer is; when you finally
let go of your thoughts of hatred, sadness, remorse, frustration,
anger and every other negative emotion, you will find happiness
and contentment. In fact, I found happiness and I embraced
contentment while writing these pages.
While growing up, my mother pretty much-forced motivation
upon us. She always had motivational cassettes playing in the car
while she drove us to school. In fact, there were very few times
when she'd tune into a radio station while on our commutes. She
would play them over and over again. It was like she was trying to
engrain their messages or scribe their techniques into our minds.

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Even though it wasn’t my choice to listen, I learned their coaching
methods and listened to their words of wisdom, all of which, most
likely contributed to my passion as a motivational speaker today.
I’ve learned a lot of knowledge from various motivators and
inspirational leaders throughout my life. They all have great
messages and they all seem to feed inspiration, however, what
completely turned me off from listening to typical motivators is;
about ninety percent of them fail to share their personal mistakes
and hardship with you. They refrain from delving into their
personal lives during their pursuit to success. They seem to fear
being looked at as vulnerable or weak. The truth is; we've all
experienced trauma in our lives. We've all been hurt before by
other human beings. Each of us has made plenty of mistakes. It's
all part of being human. Let’s set one thing straight – I intend on
sharing many of my own personal tragedies, mistakes and
embarrassing moments with you. I have absolutely nothing to
hide. Besides, I find that the best lessons are learned through
experiencing hardship, trauma or making huge mistakes. I’m
excited to share some of mine with you.
You will soon discover that I don't shy away from sharing my
mistakes. I can guarantee that I've made plenty of them, more so
than any of my friends or family members.Let's get started.

The First Chapter
5
Getting to know me
I started professionally speaking to schools at the age of eighteen
after experiencing a close friend of mine die in a drinking and
driving car accident. At that time, I had absolutely no idea what I
wanted to do with my life. I had no passions and I had no
direction of any lifelong goals. Heck, I didn't even know what a
goal was back then, other than something that was referred to in
hockey.
I couldn’t even get up in front of my grade twelve class to do a
presentation. I was too scared. Meanwhile, three months after I
graduated, I stood up in front of fourteen hundred students
during my first motivational speech. That speech led to hundreds
more. Even though speaking in front of my classmates was fearful,
it's now something that brings me great happiness. I kept at
throughout the years because I know that I make a small
difference with each speech that I deliver. Come to think of it, my
friend’s death was a blessing in disguise. His actions taught me a
life lesson. Within the lesson there was a message that told me to
use the experience as leverage to inspire teenagers. Since then I
haven’t turned back. I guess everything does happen for a reason.
The reality is; I chose the positive route from a rather negative
experience. I learned a serious lesson from his actions and I

Kerry Girling
6
wanted to share it with everyone. His actions inspired me to make
a positive difference in society. Taking action led me to speak to
over one million students across North America and I can tell you
that I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. As time has passed, it’s
interesting to see how everything fell into place for me when I
was ready to take action.
Since a young age I've always wanted to help people maximize
their potential. Coaching the youth to set attainable and
measurable goals has become a passion of mine. It makes me
happy to see a child, friend or family member latch onto my
words of wisdom and apply them to their lives. I know everyone
has a passion to fulfill. The problem is; most people aren't shown
how to find theirs.
I've been coaching students, grades five through twelve, for more
than a decade on what it takes to achieve happiness. In the midst
of my lessons, I've come across two kinds of teenagers; there are
the focused and driven teenagers – the ones that already have a
few goals they’re working on. They seem to have a good idea
what type of career they wish to choose after graduation, and
post-secondary education is in their sights. These types of
teenagers are brought up with healthy values and beliefs. They
generally have at least one positive role model and they’re usually
active in sports or extra-curricular activities in school. They also

The First Chapter
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have very strong friendship bonds with many close peers and
their skills increase with each day. Then there’s the exact opposite
type of teenager – the dissatisfied and complaining type. This type
of teenager dislikes many parts of his or her life. They generally
have a negative outlook and don’t really have anything positive to
say, ever. Waking up each morning seems to be a hindrance
rather than a glorious experience. Even though they harness great
qualities, they choose to limit themselves and defeat themselves
with negative beliefs and thoughts. They don’t have a clear vision
of what the world has to offer and they definitely don’t know
what type of career they wish to choose when they graduate. In
fact, no type of formal education is appealing to them. In talks
with these types of teenagers, I’ve realized that they usually don’t
have healthy relationships with others. They seem to lack
personality skills and general leadership qualities that are
frequent among the rest. Their confidence is below average; they
have no passion for anything and their friendship circles are
polluted with similar types of negative thinking mindsets. Life to
them seems to deplete each day rather than progress. I have
found that these types of teenagers don’t have proper leadership
at home during adolescence. The funny thing is; it’s no different in
adulthood. I see the same types of dissatisfied people among the
rest.

Kerry Girling
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For teenagers, it’s clear to me that the ones that were focused,
the ones that had visions for a positive future and the ones that
were eager to succeed; they were the ones that had positive role
models in their lives. They were inspired at a young age. They are
frequently surrounded by positive influences. In fact, the majority
of teenagers today aren’t learning their beliefs and values at
home; they’re learning them from their teachers and friends at
school. This is generally due to the fact that parents have taken on
more vigorous roles at work and communication has been slashed
to bare-minimal. Another interesting thing that I learned from
teenagers over the years is this; the teenagers that had future
success in their sights, they were the ones that wrote their goals
down on paper. They were taught the power of writing.
When you write something down on paper, it's almost like
burning an image in your mind. It's much more than just a picture
in your imagination. It's taking that image to the next level by
scripting it on paper. The power of writing can go a long way.
Many successful athletes, musicians and public leaders have
confided in the power of writing their goals down on paper. It’s
worked for me in the past many times, and I wish to show you
how you too can move forward and eliminate the harsh negativity

The First Chapter
9
within your own first chapter of life, simply by writing your
thoughts.
“Think your thoughts and they'll come true
someday, write your thoughts down on
paper and they'll come true instantly. The
power of writing is tremendous.”

Kerry Girling
10
The day I started writing this
While I wrote this, in the midst of a display from a turning wheel
of thoughts that had frequently come and gone, my life suddenly
flashed in front of me. Every image that I had gone through over
the past twenty-eight years was shown to me, just like a film
projector plays movies. With each sight I saw, I simply relived
them again, as though I was actually a part of the experiences,
however, this time I was able to look at each experience with a
different perspective and bring out the positives rather than
dwelling upon the negatives. While I relived each experience, I
was able to fully come to terms with my negative emotions
relating to each experience. As the thoughts came to me, I simply
wrote them on paper. This exercise somehow allowed me to be at
complete ease with my past. The aggressive thoughts that I
hosted towards it slowly faded every time I relived more of my
past. All of my negative thoughts, like anger, hatred and remorse
were being eliminated one by one. All of the experiences that
were in the back of my mind bothering the hell out of me were
now being eliminated from my conscious mind. All of the hurt
that I caused to others; all the mistakes that I had made, and all of
the nasty negative images that used to play in my mind, over and
over again, were slowly being eliminated. It felt like a spiritual

The First Chapter
11
awakening. In doing so, I realized who I truly was as a person. I
developed new beliefs and values for myself and I developed new
passions at the same time.
For days, I searched inside my inner core and embraced all of my
past experiences. I generated scenarios with alternate endings to
a variety of events that had happened in my past, and I finally
came to terms with myself. I was able to appreciate who I had
become, despite the mistakes that I had made. Meanwhile, I
realized that I had never previously gotten to know myself this
well before. It was truly a liberating feeling.
As I wrote this book, I searched for true acceptance. Not
acceptance from others but acceptance from myself. I was finally
able to take complete and total responsibility for the mistakes and
hurt that I had caused to others over the years. I gained the ability
to turn the page in my life and eliminate the first chapter for
good. Even though it was a difficult experience to go through,
mentally and emotionally, it was well worth the experience. I was
finally able to move forward and walk towards a more fulfilling
and brighter future – one without limitations.
After my divorce, for two years, I barely talked to my friends and
only on rare occasions did I talk to my family. I had completely
shut out the "real world" and I lost most of my confidence in the
process. I had gone from a confident motivational speaker,

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12
speaking to thousands of kids per day to someone that barely
talked to anyone. Going through this stage of my life was difficult,
demoralizing and something that I never want to go through
again, however, it was an experience that woke me up and made
me want more. It revived me to make positive change for my
future.
While I relived each story, I was able to fully come to terms with
my past. I don't mean just the past year or two; I'm talking about
the complete first chapter of my life—the last thirty years. I saw
both negative and positive scenarios to each mistake that I had
made. While I erased the bad from my conscious mind, I
embraced the good. I finally forgave those who stood in my way;
those who wronged me and those who tarnished relationship.
Prior to writing this, I felt very alone, extremely desperate and I
felt like I was the only one suffering such a defeat, however, after
I completed writing it, I started to speak to more and more people
that suffered from similar experiences. In speaking to these
people I realized that my wisdom could make an incredible impact
on them if they just read my book.

The First Chapter
13
The First Chapter
I am in the kitchen sitting on a chair. It’s just me inside my
girlfriend’s lonely house in Calgary's Southwest. It’s a cold wintery
evening in January and snow is falling lightly. My head is in a daze,
as though I was in deep thought. There is complete silence in the
dark lit room. Anticipation arises within my youthful twenty eight
year old body, yet I feel so aged within. With each thought that
enters my mind, it feels as though I relive its every detail. My body
language reacts with an unsteady motion while I start having
quivering frowns that were triggered by the various images
entering my head. My eyes glance over at the clock; it reads 5:29
pm. As I shift my body,my eyes glance over at a package of
cigarettes on the tabletop which belong to my girlfriend Melanie.
They were the Export ‘A’ type.
I immediately opened the package, grabbed a cigarette and lit it.
It was as though I had been a smoker for years although the last
time I remembered smoking was fifteen years ago. As I put the
dry tasting cigarette to my lips, an image from when I was
thirteen years old flashed in my mind. Instantly my world got
sucked into the moment like it was happening right in front of me.

Kerry Girling
14
It was a vision of me. I was sitting on the floor of my older brother
Shaine’s bedroom. He was four years older than I was. I
remember seeing an American flag that covered his window
which blocked out all natural sources of light. His bedroom
reminded me of an abandoned house and the cleanliness
reminded me of a hoarder. While Shaine sat on his bed, smoking a
cigarette, he seemed as though he had been a smoker for years.
He looked so cool and sophisticated while he smoked.
As I sat there, curiosity led me to ask him, “Why do you smoke?”
He looked at me and responded with the typical teenage
response, “Because… It’s cool!” Not knowing how to respond and
having absolutely no idea what he was talking about, I just
shrugged it off. He looked over at me and said with excitement,
“Hey, do you want to try this?”In less than a fraction of a second
he forcefully handed me the pre-lit cigarette and repeated with
conviction, “Everyone’ll think you’re cool!” At first, I felt nervous
to take the smoke; however, after some swift encouragement
from him I grabbed the cigarette and smoked it as though I knew
what I was doing. I immediately felt sophisticated and cool, like he
promised it would. It was the first time where the commercials
didn’t lie in their advertisements about the effects of smoking. It
was like taking the first bite out of a delicious burger at your
favorite burger joint. In fact, it felt better than advertised. The

The First Chapter
15
cigarette smoke sent an intense rush to my head; something like I
had never felt before. I sat there and basked in the feeling.
Mostly, I was enjoying the connection that my brother and I had.
Being cool to others wasn’t what I was truly searching for; any
connection with my older brother was what I really wanted.
I felt good at that moment. Our connection was something
enlightening. In one brief moment, it all came to an end. During a
second attempt to inhale, a large amount of smoke quickly filled
my lungs and I coughed profusely whichled to an intense coughing
attack. Shaine rushed over to me and grabbed the cigarette out of
my hand as though he was concerned and brushed the smoke
ashes away from the carpet while saying, “QUIET! Mom is going
to hear you!” He totally disregarded my coughing attack. After
gaining my composure, I got up from the floor and sat on the edge
of his bed. I was embarrassed by the scene that I had made, so I
just sat there in silence.
Meanwhile, Shaine was rustling though some papers on his
dresser as though he was looking for something important. His
actions reminded me of a drug addict looking for his next fix –
almost like a non-medicated child with ADD. After some intense
rustling, he found a squashed half-empty package of Export ‘A’
cigarettes. They looked well aged. In fact, the packaging looked

Kerry Girling
16
like it was from previous decades. He took out a few smokes for
himself and then handed me the package. I slowly reached out
and grabbed the pack from him and settled right back to my spot
on the floor. With confusion I asked him, “What do you want me
to do with these?” He sat up straight and said with confidence,
“Just think, you’ll be one of the cool kids in school!” He acted as
though he was Einstein explaining his next great vision. He even
went into the actions of properly lighting a cigarette. He had so
much conviction in his voice as he persuaded me to spark up early
in my life.
Before we move on, lets' set a few things straight. I want to tell
you something about my older brother Shaine. He’s one of the
world's best salesmen—he could sell anything to anyone. He's
always looking to find money somewhere and fortunate for him I
always had it. My parents would give us money for chores that we
did around the house each week and I was the only one that was
motivated to do them. Needless to say, I was the only one with a
pocket full of cash. My goal back then was to save for something
big, like rollerblades (Okay, bad example but you get the point).
Shaine was a little different. He had his money spent before he
made it but for some strange reason my money would always end
up in his pocket.

The First Chapter
17
At that time, I didn’t have any mentors or adults that I looked up
to other than him. I took his word for everything and listened to
what he had to say, hoping he would never steer me wrong. That
was until he realized how great of a financial saver I was.
At a young age I saved every penny that I earned. I never seemed
to find anything that was worth trading my cash for. Materialistic
items never really excited me. Needless to say, I'm sure you can
imagine how many brotherly transactions my brother and I have
had over the years. Shaine knew that I was a great saver, which is
most likely the reason why he took advantage of me.
"Give me the twenty dollars you got from Christmas and I’ll give
you this pack of cigarettes,” he said. I looked at the near half pack
and then I looked at him as though he was crazy. I was always
vulnerable when dealing with him. Without any hesitation I tossed
him the twenty, knowing that I would make it back next week
from chores. As the transaction was completed, I was now the
proud owner of a substance that should not have been introduced
to me in the first place.
The funny thing was; although, we had made many of these
brotherly transactions in the past, this time he felt some sort of
compassion towards me and I could feel it. I think he felt bad that
he was ripping me off. As I handed him the cash, he reached into
his pocket and said, in a lower and more discreet voice, “Here, I’ll

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18
give you this too. It’s a mini Zippo lighter!” He tossed the lighter
to me. I took a look at it and responded, “Sure that sounds fair!” I
was actually delighted to get the lighter.
As I admired my new mini Zippo, I took another deep puff from
the cigarette and instantly I snapped back into reality and I was
sitting in the kitchen of Melanie’s house.
As I sat there, my mind started jumping in and out of a daze. I lit
yet another cigarette and then glanced behind me to read the
clock on the oven. It read 5:34 pm. A look of disgust immediately
filled my face and an unhealthy feeling overwhelmed me as I took
another drag from the cancer stick. I immediately put out the
cigarette and tossed it into the trash. In an instant, my mouth felt
dry and I felt like I needed a drink to wash the taste out of my
mouth. I went to the kitchen cupboard, grabbed a glass, filled it to
the brim with ice-cold water and drank it till it was completely
gone. I placed the cup in the sink.As I stood there, I glanced over
at a stack of old newspapers that were thrown aside from a
recent move. I walked over to them and grabbed one from the
top of the unsteady pile and read it.
As I read the contents of the front page, a burst of fulfilling
happiness flowed through my body. It was exactly what I needed
after the disgusting cigarette that had dried my mouth. I saw a
picture of me with ten other students who were closely knit

The First Chapter
19
members of the school’s S.A.D.D. chapter (Students against
drinking and driving).I had just ended a speech in their school
about the harmful effects of drinking and driving. Underneath the
picture was an article that read:
This is a story of a young twenty eight-year-old man. He has lived
a life that no other has. He's motivated over one million youth on
positive lifestyles, he’s traveled every square inch of North
America and he lives with passion every day. When it comes to
accomplishments nobody of his age can compete. He doesn’t
have any superpowers; he’s just a man with incredible drive,
determination and motivation. He is Kerry Girling.
“If they could only see me now,” I thought out loud. I barely had
any confidence in myself; I hadn't worked out in months and the
only civilization I had seen lately was through the windows of my
girlfriend’s house. I hadn't gone outside in days. The divorce was
something that my soul wasn't ready for.
I smiled as I put the newspaper back in its place. As I rustled
through the remaining newspapers, I grabbed every article that
looked interesting. There were clippings from various places that I
had traveled over the years. The images and words within each
story refreshed my feelings of self-worth. It was exactly what I
needed at that moment.

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For the past three months, I hadn't spoken to any friends or family
members. The separation took a lot out of me. I went from
interacting with thousands of students each day, to barely
speaking to a single soul. During this time I had lost confidence in
myself.Reading the newspaper articles helped me get back on
track.I started thinking positive thoughts about myself again.
It felt like I had read for hours before I placed the last newspaper
back on the pile. Inside the pile of newspapers was a picture of my
ex-wife which instantly brought a tear to my eye. Immediately,
random thoughts by the hundreds surfaced my mind. Again, like a
turning wheel of thoughts, my mind generated various images
and videos of my past.
These random images created both positive and negative
emotions. Some thoughts delved deep into my spiritual side while
others projected hurtful images of dissatisfaction and hatred.I
tried to escape back into reality because the emotions were too
strong, however, the random thoughts and images rapidly
continued, forcing me to relive their every existence.
One particular image instantly put me into a state of relaxation
and I continued the re-enactment with pleasure. At that moment,
my mind zoned out again and sent my thoughts into the distant
past.

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21
It was an image seven and half years prior and I was with my then
girlfriend Sarah.She was beautiful and young. She had gorgeous
blonde hair, a nice dark tan and had an aura that shone as bright
as the sun. Together, she and I went on our first date to Moxie’s in
Saskatoon, Canada. It was a sunny day in February and we were
listening to The Wallflowers – One Headlight which felt like a
perfect moment. After I pulled the massive junk mobile that I was
driving into a parking stall of the restaurant, I looked at her and
said, “Are you hungry, because I sure am!” She responded “Yes,
let’s go!” so we went inside to eat.
We ordered various finger foods from the restaurant’s menu, not
knowing they were going to be a disaster to eat. We sat nervously
at the table,not knowing what say to each other. I’m sure both of
our emotions were skyrocketing. It was only a few days earlier we
had met. After a long period of complete silence I asked her,
“What do you want to be?” She looked at me so surprised, yet so
intrigued. She responded, “I was wondering the same thing, I
really want to be your girlfriend!” Without hesitation I responded,
“No, I was wondering what you wanted to do with your life. You
know, what drives you? What career choices do you have? What
direction in life do you want to take?” After I said that, I realized
that I embarrassed her. We both continued to eat in silence
thereafter. Even though we didn’t say a word to each other for

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22
the rest of the date, there was a connection that we shared that
day. Instantly the image faded and I escaped back into reality. I
was once again back in the kitchen of Melanie’s house. This time I
was sitting on the hardwood floor.
After I shook my head from the daze I was in, I got up from the
floor and walked upstairs. As I walked down the hallway, I noticed
a picture collage that was nicely formatted on the wall. Inside the
collage were various pictures of Melanie and I. I took some time
to glance at each of them.They were random pictures from the
past two months of our dating experience. I just stood there and
smiled, and then after a few moments, I continued on my journey.
As I proceeded down the hallway, I accidentally kicked over a
small box and emptied its contents onto the floor. Now, scattered
all over the floor were various trinkets; t-shirts, coffee mugs,
thank-you cards, buttons and pins, and a ton of other gadgets that
were given to me from various schools that I had visited over the
past decade. All of which were evidence of my previous
accomplishments. I reached down and picked up a pin and read
the words that were scribed on it;“Bringing excellence through
educated students - Hammarskjold High school”. Instantly my
mind served me a memory that brought me back ten years prior. I
went back into a daydream while reliving every emotion.
Immediately I started reliving the moment like it was yesterday.

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I was in a small bedroom of a household in Thunder Bay, Ontario.
I was on my first tour as a youth motivator and I was eighteen.
Our six-week trek took my boss Norbert and I through almost
every square inch of Canada, mostly to small towns. Our tight
schedule led us to speak to over eighty-four schools that
semester. We just happened to be staying with a friend of
Norbert's that evening and I hadn't even met him yet due to a late
arrival. Fast-forwarding a bit, Norberteagerly awoke me from a
deep sleep at six in the morning. He was in a rush. Apparently, we
had slept in and we were late for our first presentation. After
jumping out of bed and quickly showering I got ready for the day.
As we arrived at the first school on our list, I found myself setting
up equipment in a gymnasium of a large inner city school called
Hammarskjold High school.
I was excited. Today was a totally different day. My mind was
racing because only a few months ago I couldn’t even get up in
front of my own grade twelve class and speak; today I was given
the opportunity to speak to an entire school. I was petrified of
speaking to large groups but, for some strange reason, I was
excited today.
As I continued to set up the equipment for the early presentation,
a small group of boys walked into the gymnasium. They seemed

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24
as though they were the “Jocks or tough guys” of their school.
They rudely walked past me, almost stepping on my fingers. One
of them rudely asked,“Hey, what are you guys doing here?” I
politely responded, “Were doing a motivational speech this
morning on bullying and positive lifestyle choices...” and before I
had a chance to fully respond, they interrupted with laughter
while yelling, “Pffft, bullying doesn’t happen to us,” referring to
his group of friends. “It looks like we have spare today boys!”
They exited the premises while continuing to laugh.
At first, I was upset.I felt disrespected but I soon let it go and
continued to set up for the early presentation. My boss walked in
shortly after and he was ready to present.
My boss was a mentor of mine. He was a thirty-five-year-old man
with a lot of experience in speaking to high school students. He
delivered a very powerful presentation on drinking and driving.He
found his passion early in life as a former paramedic,and while
pursuing his passion he landed the self-employed role as a youth
motivator. I randomly met him a few weeks prior at a fitness
facility that I worked at.He took interest in me and took me under
his wing after I told him my own story about the loss of my friend.
He was confident that my story could help inspire teenagers.After
a few discussion she asked me to speak with him on tour.
Needless to say I took the opportunity with open arms.

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Previous to that day I had no direction in my life. I didn't have any
goals. I wasn’t sure what my passions were and I didn’t have a lot
of life experience. As I look back, I realize that it was a blessing to
receive the opportunity to speak with him because it soon
developed into a passion.
As my boss presented to the fourteen hundred students that
morning, in the largest gymnasium that I had ever seen, I stood
outside of the packed gymnasium doors and listened to his words
of wisdom. I scoured the stands with my eyes and noticed how
unique of a situation it was; only few months ago I was the one
sitting in the bleachers. The students were riveted to their seats.
In fact, their anticipation grew with each story he told. I have to
admit, I was quite impressed with how great of a speaker he was
and how much courage he had while he stood on the stage. His
audience respected him while he spoke. I had never seen that
many high school students being as quiet as they were that day. It
was truly inspiring.
After listening to a few of his heartfelt stories I took a seat in an
empty chair near the sidelines. His words filled my mind with
motivation. As I scanned the audience a second time, he started
to wrap up his lesson on leadership. While glancing at a few
spectators in the stands, my mind completely shut out his words
and I just stared at random people seated in the first row. I was

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26
amazed how intrigued they were while they watched the
presentation. There was a brief pause in his words which made
the gymnasium completely silent. At that moment, my mind went
completely blank. I sat there in complete silence.
Moments later the crowd started to cheer. In fact, the noise grew
louder and louder. I immediately shook my head from the daze
that my mind was in and I leaped to my feet to see what was
happening. The audience sounded like a roaring crowd from an
NFL football game. When I got to the front of the bleachers I
heard my name being mentioned through the p.a. system. Then a
picture of me was projected on the huge twelve by twenty-foot
screen for the whole school to see. The noise continued to grow
louder and louder.I started becoming very nervous. A spotlight
then shined directly on me as I stood in the aisle between the
fourteen hundred student bodies. While I stood there, Norbert
introduced me.It all happened so quickly. At that moment I slowly
walked towards the stage. Massive anxiety ran through my
body.As I approached the front of the stage Norbert handed me
the microphone and walked away. I stood there motionless.
As I stood there, I realized that I had never been that nervous in
my entire life. Not fully knowing what to do and not being overly

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prepared to present, I introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Kerry
Ggggirling.” It was the most awkward experience.
As I stood on a pre-built stage in the largest gymnasium I had ever
seen, I was at a loss for words.There were 2800 eyes looking at
me all at once. It felt like I was up there for forty-five minutes
although I’m sure I had only been standing there for forty-five
seconds.My eyes scrolled the audience a third time. This time I
was looking for some moral support. I didn’t know what to say or
what to do. A wave of embarrassment ran through my mind and
body as I continued to stand there motionless.
I had never experienced so many emotions running through my
body at once. It was something almost indescribable. I soon
looked to my mentor for some guidance. He said with a smile,
“Tell us the story of your friend from high school!” At that
moment, it was like somebody had snapped their fingers in my
ear. It awoke me.From what started as a cloudy and petrified
mindset a few seconds ago, my mind soon turned to be an
integrated and controlled state that was fearless and invigorating.
I instantly became confident with myself because I knew the story
about my friend's death by heart. As the words flowed evenly
from my mouth, I realized that I had never experienced so much
joy, so much happiness and such credibility before. It felt good. I
stood there and took it all in like I was never going to experience

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28
it again.An incredible amount of energy went through my body as
I stood there. Just the thought that everyone in the audience was
there to listen to me was truly amazing. I had never previously felt
like I had actually been truly heard before. All of my life, I was
inferior and had such a low self-esteem, where "people pleasing"
became the norm but today it was totally different. Today was the
day that I received an opportunity to show the world who I was.
As I concluded my message that day, I placed the microphone on
the podium and started to walk off the stage. As I paced a few
steps, I saw the magnificent sight of fourteen hundred students
rising to their feet for a standing ovation. Their applause was even
louder than my introduction. Apparently, they liked my
presentation. Being welcomed with such energy was empowering.
It was a warm and intense feeling. I instantly became addicted to
it and have since then never turned back.
It was the first time that I stepped out of my comfort zone and did
something that I truly feared. At that moment, I realized that my
passion for helping teenagers outweighed my fear of public
speaking. It was truly a magnificent experience.
As I stood there, their applause brought the same wave of anxiety
that I felt before my speech, however, this time; it was more of a
positive experience. I took advantage of the glory and stood there

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with a grin on my face. The grin soon turned into a smile from ear
to ear. Then the Image faded from my mind and I was back in the
hallway of Melanie’s house.
While I stood in the lonely hallway, I had a smile from ear to ear. It
was enlightening. As I sat there and absorbed the remaining glory
from an experience I went through many years prior, the doorbell
rang. I shook my head, once again from the daze that my mind
was in and I ran downstairs to see who was at the door. As I
opened the door, Melanie walked in with a smile – similar to the
one I had upstairs. As she walked through the front door, I
greeted her with a kiss. She kissed me back with passion and was
genuinely excited to see me. I couldn't remember a time when I
was loved so much by someone else.
I grabbed a few grocery bags that she was holding and I helped
her bring in the remaining bags from the car. As I helped her put
the groceries away in the kitchen, I asked how her day was. She
responded, “Everything’s great babe, I had a wonderful day!" I
started snooping through the grocery bags to see what I could
find and I came across some Nibs candy, so I reached my hand
into the bag and grabbed them. As Melanie walked into the
kitchen she said, while laughing, “I got you a present sweetie.
Looks like you've found it!” I returned the smile while opening the

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bag of candy. As I ate the liquorice treat, immediately a scenario
from seven years previous played in my mind.
My Ex and I were watching television in the living room of a house
that I was renting.It was the beginning of our relationship. It was
our second date and we were watching a comedy starring John
Candy – The Great Outdoors. I can remember it like it was
yesterday. Sarah was so beautiful and youthful. We had met a few
weeks prior to mutual friends and I was excited that we had
grown an attraction to each other already. I remember staring at
her quite a few times during the movie. Her smile was contagious
– every time she smiled she made me smile too.
Fast forwarding to the end of the date – we stood at the front
door together. I'm sure we stood there for damn near ten minutes
before I built the confidence to kiss her. I was nervous and I'm
sure she could sense it. It all contributed to an evening that I’ll
never forget. I finally built my inner confidence and kissed her.
Shortly after, she got in her vehicle and drove away. At that
moment, my memory faded and I snapped back to reality back in
Melanie’s kitchen.
As I stood therewith a blank stare on my face, Melanie said with
concern, “Kerry, Kerry, hello?! Are you okay? What were you
thinking about?” My blank stare showed my confusion. Without

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further delay, I shook my head once again from the daze my mind
was in and I continued emptying the shopping bags while assuring
her that I was alright. Even though Melanie and I had already
developed a happy relationship, my mind was forcing me to deal
with the fact that I was going through a divorce. When we
finished putting all the groceries away, we made dinner together,
watched a movie and went to bed.
The next day I awoke early because I had an early presentation
booked a few hours North of Calgary. As I got out of bed, Melanie
was already getting herself ready for work. I snuck beside her and
grabbed my toothbrush. While brushing my teeth, I paced the
bedroom. I was in deep thought, making sure I wasn’t forgetting
anything for my presentation. While pacing the bedroom, I
stubbed my toe on the bedpost which instantly sent excruciating
pain through my body. At that moment my mind went back six
and a half years prior.
It was summer and my Ex and I were in the kitchen of her parent’s
house. I had just stubbed my toe on the island of their kitchen. I
yelled, “Ouch! Why do you always do this? Why does everything
always have to be such a game with you?” After shouting a bunch
of words that made no sense and blaming her for no apparent
reason, I briskly exited the kitchen and walked over to the front
door. I threw my shoes on and proceeded to leave the house.

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Meanwhile, Sarah ran over to me and grabbed my arm, keeping
me from leaving. I turned towards her and screamed, “Look, I just
need some time to be alone.Let me go for a walk or something!”
She refused and continued to pull my arm. As I stood there with
her hanging off of me, tears began to flow from her eyes. At this
point, seeing her tears seemed all too common. As I struggled to
open the door, she latched onto it, forcing it in the opposite
direction and faster towards her. In a split second, the door swung
back and hit her in the face. As I turned to walk outside, I noticed
that her eyebrow started to bleed. Even though I was angry at the
time, I genuinely felt compassion towards her because I knew that
I was the one responsible for the cut above her eye.Yet, I
continued to walk away. Although the cut was a lasting reminder
of my actions, hurting her emotionally was far worse than any
physical damage that I had caused. At that moment the image
faded.
As I look back at this specific experience, I feel guilty, ashamed
and upset with myself for doing this to her. As I've grown, I've
seen abuse all over the place; in school, at home, in my friend’s
homes, on the street, basically everywhere. I've heard thousands
of stories from troubled teenagers after my motivational
presentations. Their stories elaborate on the types of abuse that
they’ve dealt with, and it bothers me that I had been a part of it.

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Although this wasn't the only experience where I have been a part
of the abuse, I realize how inappropriate my actions were that
day. The image soon faded and my mind went back to reality.
As I drove up North that morning to deliver a high school
presentation, I reflected on my past and the experiences within it.
For what seemed like an eternity, I sat in the driver’s seat while
reminiscing about my entire first chapter of life – the past twenty-
eight years. The thoughts continued to flow one after another. As
I drove, I paid close attention to my emotions and how they
changed with each new image. I noticed sudden changes in my
breathing as the new images were replaced. Even though my
moods changed drastically with each new image, I was intrigued
to realize that my emotions neutralized when I reflected back
upon an experience that I already dealt with.It was as though I no
longer harnessed any negative emotions from parts of my past
anymore.
Often times it isn't easy talking to someone about our personal
experiences. At times, we feel responsible, guilty or ashamed of
our actions. When we make mistakes, the last thing that we want
to do is tell another person. Many times, we feel weak, inferior or
self-conscious; however, if we come to terms with each new
experiences whether negative or positive in nature and look at it
as a life lesson and nothing more than that then you’ll start to

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appreciate the fruits of life. Nobody wants to dwell in their own
self-pity forever.
Reminiscing about my past experiences enabled me to eliminate
any negative emotions associated with them.After eliminating just
a few, I was able to see life from an entirely new perspective. As I
sat there, I realized how important it was for me to eliminate the
negativity in my life so I could move onto more positive things.
I`ve learned that we all have a few things in common; we all want
to achieve happiness and neither of us wants to suffer.In the end,
we’re all looking for a more rewarding life. Succumbing to fear,
regret and negative emotions on an on-going basis will only make
matters worse.It creates limitations. When you confront your
shortcomings, you'll start forgiving yourself, enabling you to move
towards a more prosperous and fulfilling lifestyle.
Later that day, I was in the gymnasium of a smaller Junior high
school and setting up equipment for the fourth-period
presentation. After fumbling with some equipment pieces, I
realized that I had done this routine over five hundred times
through my career. In fact, over the past decade, as a youth
motivator, I’ve spoken in over four hundred communities and to
over five hundred schools. Doing the math, I realized that I had
driven over two million kilometers, went through nine vehicles,
fueled up over fifteen hundred times, inspired 1.2 million students

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and stayed in over four hundred hotels over the course of my
career. As I paced around the small gymnasium I asked myself,
“What is this ONE presentation going to accomplish?” I had been
to so many schools over the past ten years; I was wondering how
ONE school could make any more of a difference. Without further
thought, I continued to set up for the afternoon presentation.
As I thought about my comment later, I realized that I had totally
contradicted everything that I believed in. I’ve always believed
that it didn’t matter the size of the school that I spoke in, as long
as I could inspire a few students – that’s what was important to
me.
While I delivered my presentation on leadership to about fifty
students that morning, my mind started reflecting back in time
again. This time my thoughts served me happiness. The images
that came to my mind were of me, a teenager and running my
own business. Various images of my career started to project in
my mind again like a turning wheel of thoughts. Even though I
knew I had to maintain a certain amount of attention for the
presentation, I reminisced while I spoke to the small group of kids.
My memory served me thoughts that I had totally forgotten
about. These thoughts helped bring me confidence. Come to think

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36
of it, I’m sure the students noticed drastic changes in my moods
while I presented. It must have been a funny image for them.
Over the course of the past ten years, I had not only found my
passion as a youth motivator but I had cultivated it into something
that I loved and I became a professional at it. Countless thoughts
of being a positive role model to teenagers surfaced my mind
frequently. I loved the fact that I got paid to do something I loved
doing. It was empowering. As I stood there, random thoughts of
failure surfaced but something inside of me didn’t allow the
negative emotions to surface. Maybe my mind was too positive to
let in any negativity.
As I look back, I realize that I’ve probably made ten times the
mistakes that my friends and family have but without risk comes
zero reward. Even to this day, I say, “If you make a mistake, make
it a BIG one because you’ll learn so much more from it.”
My career for the past decade was just like how a drug addict
needs his fix, I was addicted. I had a pretty strict daily regimen and
I was always busy doing something to heighten my credibility as a
motivator. My workday took me from 6 am until 10 pm. For the
first few years, I didn't have time for dating. Just the very thought
of managing a girlfriend while I was on tour hadn’t even crossed
my mind. It just didn't seem possible. Yet, each day, I always
found at least an hour of time for my friends. They were the ones

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that created a relaxing atmosphere. We played video games,
listened to music, worked on our cars and everything else that
was as far from “reality” as possible. It wasn’t until I started dating
Sarah that I realized it was possible to also have someone
romantically in my life while touring.
Since I was eighteen I always started each year by setting goals. It
became a ritual after my boss engrained the importance of writing
them. I would start with a look back at my previous year’s
accomplishments; I called it a positive focus. It helped increase my
self-esteem before I thought of my goals. My personal goals were
a synch but the business side of the regimen was more difficult—I
had to think of something attainable; something that was virtually
out of my reach but if I worked hard enough I would be able to
achieve it.The determination I had was incredible; by the time I hit
twenty I had read over three hundred books, joined the
Commerce and City committees, spoken to over one hundred and
fifty schools and produced my own product line. By twenty-six I
produced two films, three documentaries and created a concept
for a reality series. This ignited a spark inside me that was filled
with the type of determination I cannot begin to explain.

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All of these magnificent thoughts were magnifying my glory. I was
in a state of complete satisfaction. At that moment, my mind
went back to an experience that I went through a few years ago.
It was the beginning of the year and I had just finished writing my
goals for the yearly quarter. My business goal for that semester
was to speak at one hundred schools before the Christmas Break.I
had seventy days to achieve this goal. In order to accomplish it, it
meant that I had to book two schools virtually every business day
while leaving enough time for travel in between. To top it all, I
hadn’t even started the process. Even though I hadn’t previously
accomplished such a feat, the numbers didn’t scare me. I knew
that if I was determined enough I could achieve this goal, just like
all of my previously completed desires. I made a daily goal to
contact one hundred schools. Even though some days consisted of
more telephone messages than conversations, I kept motivated
and let nothing stand in my way. After six short weeks, I reached
my goal and booked one hundred schools. It was an
accomplishment that I’ll never forget. Hopefully one day I’ll smash
that record.
Often times, we look at our goals and we cringe at the thought of
trying to accomplish them. We may feel inferior, scared or just
plain lazy. For some, we let their inner negativity surface which
only brings the chances of completion to nil, while for others they

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excel at each of their goals with ease. I believe that the people
who link joy, happiness and satisfaction to their goals; they are
the ones that will achieve greatness in their lives. For those that
can only see negativity and frustration when accomplishing
something of worth, they will continue to procrastinate and
accomplishing nothing. These types of people fail many times
while learning very little. They also seem to live miserable lives in
the process. I’ve always tried my best to link positive attributes to
negative situations. It makes the process a lot more enjoyable.
While I booked my tour that I described earlier, I had picked up a
couple of schools that were in the Toronto area which was way
out of my booking region— a thirty-hour drive away, thinking they
would add to the long list of schools that I had spoken to. Mainly, I
thought it would be fun to travel to the “Big City," although, I
hadn’t done any legwork to see if the travel for these two schools
would even be feasible. When I booked the two presentations I
forgot to ask if the schools were in the same city; I just assumed
they were, however, one was in Toronto and the other in Ottawa
– a four-hour drive in the opposite direction. After the panic
subsided, I booked a rental car and drove the 3200 kilometers
straight through to Toronto. I drove hours without sleep; come to
think of it, I had too much energy for sleep. Anytime I had the
chance to tour I was happy. Before the mini-tour was complete, I

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40
had fuelled up at twenty-three gas stations, driven over ninety
hours, eaten at Subway fifteen times and put on over 8500
kilometers in less than a week – all in my rental vehicle. I slept for
three consecutive days when I got home. The car rental company
said nothing about the unlimited kilometer agreement. Needless
to say, I was extremely satisfied with their service.

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Why I chose my career as a Motivator
As a mentor, I speak to teenagers of all ages and ethnicities. Each
presentation comes with new experiences, new stories and
insight. There have been countless times that I’ve witnessed tears
fall from the cheeks of youngsters, ranging from the fourth grade
to the twelfth, with each one describing the same thing yet in
different ways –it’s all abuse. In the last ten years, I’ve heard far
too many stories from abused students, thousands in fact. Some
were stories of thrown nasty comments while others were tales of
thrown fists or even an unwanted sexual encounter. In the end,
it’s all abuse. We’ve been led to believe that sometimes it’s okay
and at times it’s not. We’ve been programmed by our peers that
it’s normal to go through. For most, we go through our entire lives
without dealing with the hurt that it has caused. The truth is; each
and every one of us has lived through some type of abuse,
whether it was verbal, sexual or physical. Only a few of us realize
the mental damage that it can cause. Some have experienced it
lightly while others have gone through far worse. If you’ve ever
been a victim, it’s important to understand that there is help for
those who ask. In many cases, you don’t need to ask for help, you
can help yourself. I became a motivator to help people see their
potential. I’ve seen dissatisfaction roam the eyes of so many
people. I’ve felt an obligation to assist them. I believe that
motivation is a key to unlock happiness, especially when dealing
with abuse. I am honored to be a part of increasing such
happiness in this troubled world.
In the midst of my travels, as I roam the hallways and speak to
various teenagers, I see the damage in their eyes; I hear their pain

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42
when they share their stories of abuse and failure. I have
physically lived as a victim of abuse, yet I’ve also been on the
other side as a bully. I’ve felt the hurt from abuse, yet I’ve also
seen the tears that I had caused as well. We are ALL a big part of
the problem, yet we’re also a big part of the solution. I believe
that abuse is brought on by feelings and emotions of sadness,
regret, remorse or anger, and if it’s left unchecked for too long, it
will get much worse. Too many of us fail to realize that we can put
a stop to abuse if we gain full control of our emotions. Doing so
will inspire compassion towards others. By relieving our mental
aggression we can become more positive and eliminate abuse
altogether.
“We’re here to help and encourage those around us, not to laugh
at each other and push each other around.”
Back in reality after my presentation to the junior high that
afternoon, I answered questions and talked to a few students that
were lined up at a table on the sidelines. As the various students
patiently awaited their turn, I listened to their stories; mostly
relating to bullying. They explained the effects that it caused to
them and how they’ve dealt with it since. Even though it felt like I
had heard their stories a million times before, I listened with
respect because most of the time all teens want is for someone to

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listen. After encouraging them with some motivating wisdom, I
packed up my equipment and was ready to leave.
While I exited the facility, a young teacher entered the
gymnasium. She thanked me for the speech that I had made and
then handed me a small gift. During that moment she said, “I
want to tell you, Kerry, I remember seeing your presentation back
when I was in high school.” I laughed and proceeded to shake her
hand. Then, something strange happened—a tear flowed from
her eye. She continued saying, “Kerry, you have no idea what you
have done for us. Not us as a school, however, us as a family. My
younger brother was suicidal in Junior high, and after seeing your
presentation that day, he told me that you had given him hope
again and you were his inspiration to keep going!” I stood there
silently in awe, amazed by the impact of my words years ago. She
shook my hand a second time, smiled and walked away. I
continued to stand in my tracks, motionless for a few moments
and then I grabbed my equipment and left the premises.
As I drove home through the hills in the country that day, an
image raced through my mind over and over again but I didn’t
know what had inspired it. This thought brought me back eight
years. While reminiscing, I realized that I was one of the biggest
bullies of all.
It was the summer of the early 2000’s and I was mowing the lawn
of a complex that my dad managed. I liked cutting lawns; the
sound of the mower blades cutting the grass, even the smell was
relaxing. While I cut the grass my cell phone rang, it was Sarah.
She said “Happy Birthday babe. I booked us in for paintball
tonight. I want everything to be perfect.” Before I hung up the

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phone, I thanked her and assured her that I would be home on
time and everything would be fine. Five minutes later, I received
another telephone call from a business partner of mine. He spoke
with the same type of excitement that Sarah had; he wished me
Happy Birthday and invited me to go out for drinks after work. All
I could think of were the plans that I had with Sarah later that
evening; however, he quickly persuaded me to go out with him
that evening. I never called Sarah to let her know.
That night, every telephone call was ignored, including Sarah`s
calls. While she patiently waited for me at home, I was out
partying without her. Three hours went by with another fifteen
calls ignored. I continued to drink my face off that night, with
friends that mean nothing to me now. In hindsight, I don’t know
why I made that choice, although, I was probably trying to
impress my new business associates. Finally, a couple hours later,
I decided to return her telephone calls. As she heard my voice on
the other end of the telephone line, all she could do was cry. She
was deeply hurt. Just thinking about this image builds irritation
and anger towards how irresponsible I was at times back then. I
can still feel the emotional pain that I put her through when I told
her I didn’t want to spend my birthday with her. It broke her
heart. To make matters even worse, I never went home that
night.
As I look back at these images, the ones that left Sarah feeling
worthless, and the ones that broke us apart for good; it makes me
feel sick to realize that I had hurt somebody so close, so special

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and important to me. It made me realize why I was going through
a divorce. The image soon faded.
Later that evening, back inside Melanie’s kitchen, I sat there
silently, thinking of random thoughts of my past. With each
experience that entered my mind I let it all soak in. Each
occurrence seemed to bring a new lesson which allowed me to
grow. It didn’t matter whether it was a good or a bad thought;
each story allowed me to come to full terms with myself, accept
the past and move on. It was like a “get out of jail free card” and I
liked it! So, at that moment, I took advantage of the situation by
thinking of all of the negative and nasty experiences from my
past. This way I could learn to accept them and then throw them
away for good. I no longer wanted to feel trapped like a victim. As
the images ran through my mind, I started to lose the shame,
remorse, anger and sadness that I once felt before. All of the hurt
and the frustration that I had previously felt were no longer a
problem. I finally started taking responsibility for my own actions
and it felt great.
As I sat in the kitchen, an idea came to my mind. While the deep
thoughts of random images continued in my mind, I got up from
my seat and leaped towards the living room. I grabbed the laptop
and turned it on. While the computer was in the start-up mode, I
took the time to analyze my body and its current physical state. I
then glanced over at the coffee table and saw the multiple bags of
candy and chips, all of which had been recently opened and half
eaten. I realized that in the past four months, since the
separation, I hadn’t gone to the gym once. My physical state and
personal hygiene concerned me. I realized that my lifestyle had

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changed drastically, all in a short period of time. What used to be
a strict and healthy diet, now consisted of fatty foods and candy,
and I had gained almost twenty pounds of fat. I didn’t recognize
myself. My work ethic had gone from a strict and motivated
regimen to a schedule that had me sitting on the couch for hours
while I watched television reruns. I had no goals, no money and
the thought of doing anything constructive didn’t exist. At this
point, nothing was important to me. My rent was overdue, there
were no groceries in the refrigerator and bills were not being paid
on time. I just sailed through life as though nothing was wrong,
avoiding the inevitable. I started sleeping into the afternoon,
procrastinating and constantly putting the important, unfinished
tasks to the side. I kept my responsibilities at a low. Things that
were important to me before meant nothing to me now; I had no
joy of waking up anymore. I looked at life with a negative
perspective each day and I blocked almost every emotion, in fear
of feeling any further pain. I then realized that I was in the first
stage of an early life crisis.
I sat there for a while and wallowed in my own self-pity. Thoughts
of my recent separation and future divorce subsided which
brought anxiety to my mind. During that moment, my cell phone
rang; it was a friend whom I hadn’t talked to since the separation.
I ignored it like I did with all of the other calls that I received over
the past four months. I wanted to snap out of the trance and go
back to at least the person that I was before the separation
occurred but no matter what I tried, nothing worked. The anxiety
I felt that day triggered a new level of thinking, something
completely different than anything I was used to. At that moment,
I questioned life and my own existence. Here were my thoughts:

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I realized that modern society has brought more stress, anxiety
and inferiority than ever before. In addition to the huge
responsibilities we face each day, we’ve begun to add misery to
our previously peaceful and accommodating lives. We no longer
take the time out of our days for friends and family like we used
to. The simple task of teaching our children about proper morals
and values are not being taught at home. Our children are
learning these important life lessons at school. It is not
uncommon for adults to work two jobs to keep up with today’s
standard of living. Technology has disconnected us from our
personal relationships too. A simple telephone call that was once
treasured and the primary means of communication has now
been replaced with an impersonal text message. Society has
taught us that we always need bigger and better. There may be
nothing wrong with what we have, except for the fact that it is an
older model, making us feel the need for the newest technology
out there. This then carries over to our relationships. What this is
teaching us is that if something becomes too difficult, we feel that
we don’t have the time or patience to work on fixing any small
imperfections, when we could just replace it with something new.
We don’t take the time to fix our relationships anymore. People
are quick to disregard the time spent with someone because
things got too tough. Instead, we are throwing it all away, thinking
we will find something better around the corner. Marriage is now
being taken very lightly rather than traditionally. These thoughts
made me quiver with negativity.
Finally, the computer booted up and I was ready to start writing. I
sat in the empty living room and I started to write all of my
thoughts. I wrote as much detail as possible because I knew that

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with each story I wrote, it would relieve much of the anxiety,
anger, remorse and frustration I had been bottling up for years
and never dealt with. I first started writing the thoughts I had
throughout the week, all of which were memories of my first
chapter. As I continued writing everything that came to my mind,
about twenty minutes later, I started to get chest pains. At first,
the pain was minimal but then soon grew to a more aggressive
feeling, much like I was having an anxiety attack. Nasty thoughts
of past experiences only contributed to the pain. While I gasped
for a breath of fresh air, I relived a situation that occurred six
years ago.
I was in my bedroom, lying on my bed and I couldn’t shake the
feeling of anxiety that took over my body. Large overbearing
images of previous obstacles that I faced shadowed in my head
and I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It didn’t
matter how much I tried mustering up something positive, the
ugly and scary images of failure and disappointment overruled my
happy thoughts. As I lay there, another thought of abandonment
from my distant past surfaced which only added to the anxiety I
was feeling that day. I didn’t know how to snap out of it. For the
next few hours, I was forced to lay there and wallow in my own
self-pity. Images of a failed event I had planned earlier brought a
feeling of embarrassment. All I could think of was how I had
failed.
Over the next few days, my Ex Sarah tried a variety of encouraging
tactics to help snap me back into reality but the morbid image of
my depleting soul didn’t allow me to escape the thoughts. At first,
I sought medical help to see if there was a cure, although, I soon

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realized that taking a pill three times a day just acted as a band-
aid and wouldn’t fix the problem altogether. I just laid there for
days. The only time I got out of bed was for a glass of water and
the odd meal. I was in rough shape. Thoughts of suicide
developed, although I obviously never acted on them. My mental
and emotional state had slowly depleted and all I could think of
were negative thoughts. I desperately wanted answers to the
questions that surfaced my mind. I wanted to know why I had
fallen so far down from an experience that meant so little to me. I
knew that I had experienced much more trauma in the past but
the answers were nowhere to be found. I slowly started to hate
life. Everything felt bland to me. Meals didn’t taste nearly as good
as they used to, colors didn’t look as vibrant and I couldn’t even
be around friends or family without feeling the need to cry. I
hated it.
It seemed like I changed my career path every two weeks. I would
start with one project and before I was finished I moved onto the
next, meanwhile completing nothing. I didn’t have the same
contentment and it didn’t feel like I was going to regain it either.
Projects that I worked on didn’t hold the same stature like they
had before. Not only had I lost track of my goals, dreams and
desires, everything that was valid and had meaning to me
previously didn’t mean the same to me. I had lost track of who I
was and I felt empty. I felt as though I was trapped in somebody
else’s body with a completely different mindset – a rather
negative mindset. I felt like my life was out of control. It was right
at that moment that I felt the need for positive change. All I
wanted to do was get away; somewhere far and warm where I
could regain even the slightest bit of courage. Somewhere I didn’t

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know anyone. Somewhere I felt respected and where I could
make new friends, so I packed my suitcase and headed to Los
Angeles.

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Life in Los Angeles
I arrived at the gates of LAX from an International flight that flew
me non-stop from Calgary. I stood at the entrance waiting for a
friend of mine to pick me up. I had met him a few years ago
through my friend Quillan and was he happy to assist my stay in
L.A. When I stepped outside the doors of the airport that
afternoon, immediately the aroma of pure Los Angeles smog hit
me. It was a scent that woke me up and made me feel alive. The
scent that I inhaled so ravishingly instantly changed my way of
thinking. It was like I had been hit with a wave of medicine that
cured me in seconds. From that moment, I felt that I had already
regained what I was looking for, although, I knew I needed more
than LAsmog therapy to regain my sanity. As I left the airport, for
some strange reason, I no longer instilled the cloudy images of
abandonment and sadness. I felt accepted again and I had no
plans of returning home.
As I settled into my friend’s house that evening, various thoughts
came to my mind. Images of both positive and negative
experiences were shadowing one another. Nasty images of my Ex
and me fighting came to my mind which made me feel horrible.
Those types of thoughts mixed with happy images of my new life
in LA. My moods changed considerably throughout the evening,

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however, with the intense mental transformation that I already
felt while arriving in California, it quickly eliminated all thoughts of
sadness.
Later that evening, my friend and I went sightseeing around some
of the most beautiful areas of the city and I instantly started
forming a refreshing mindset. Images of happiness and joy came
back to me. Finally, I felt like a person again, rather than a zombie
living a life with no passion. With each new sight I saw, my
mindset grew more positive in nature. Each new person I met
seemed to add to the priceless mood I was in. It was almost
unexplainable.
My Los Angeles friend is a Nightclub owner of three Hollywood
establishments. He moved from Taiwan at the age of eighteen
while searching for a better life which later proved to be
successful. In the midst of it all, he created an empire that most
people would be inspired by. He was exactly the type of person I
needed to be around. Just the very thought of how he had made
himself a success, a multi-millionaire, with the few tools he had as
an International foreigner, motivated me again. I started regaining
clarity of my own life. In fact, my desires, dreams, goals, ambitions
and passions were being gathered inside my mind once again.
My Los Angeles experience was something that I’ll never forget.
To be able to experience your own life transform during a time

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when you need it the most; that the most amazing and
exhilarating experience that one could ask for. It’s always a good
feeling to be able to see positive changes in others but to feel an
abundance of change within yourself is incredible. I felt so alive!
As my Los Angeles friend continued to show me sights I had never
seen before, like his beautiful ten thousand square foot home in
Hollywood Hills or the fast sports cars that he had gained within
his career, I started developing hope for myself. I chose to take
advantage of my new found inspiration that I received in L.A to
refuel the fire I once had inside of me. It was a truly unique
feeling. The images then soon faded.
Back in Melanie’s living room, I sat there, scribing my thoughts
into the computer. Even though my experience in LA had brought
warm feelings, the abundance of images that scrolled through my
mind thereafter brought me anxiety. While I sat there, an
overwhelming feeling came to me. It was a mixed feeling of
anxiety with a hint of sadness. At that moment, I knew I was in
the initial process of grieving the loss of my first chapter of my
life, and it was all being eliminated from my conscience
completely.
My fingers continued typing every thought that came to my mind.
All of the stories and emotions that I had relived were all being
typed into the computer one at a time. While I typed each

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scenario, I realized that I no longer held the same type of anger or
aggression that I previously harnessed. I no longer felt limited
from the negativity in each situation. As I typed, it felt like each
story was fictional, like I wasn’t a part of the experience in the
first place. I didn't have the same emotional connection with each
experience anymore. Reliving each experience allowed me to
come to terms with any aggression and anger that I held towards
myself. It was like a weight of bricks had broken away from my
shoulders. It felt like I was eighty pounds lighter. It was liberating,
relaxing and satisfying. As the thoughts kept coming, I kept writing
them down. After writing for about an hour, I sat back in my seat
and stared at the ceiling for a while. At that moment, my mind
swept me into a scenario that brought me back three years
earlier.
I had just arrived in Saskatoon, after a long five-week tour in the
United States and I was tired. I had just driven over 20,000 miles
and I wanted to sleep in my own bed. Even though I was eager to
get home and relax after living in hotels for the past month, I
wanted to get Sarah a gift before I got home because I forgot to
buy her one while I was on tour. As I briskly walked through the
hallway of a local mall, I tried to find her a decent gift. It was
Christmastime and the mall was packed with people. It was rather
difficult to manoeuvre my way through the frantic shoppers.

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Frustrated and tired, I stopped at the food court with no idea of
what to get her. While I stood there, I noticed a Jewellery store
and instantly the thought of an engagement came to my mind –
Sarah’s and mine. At the time, the very thought of us being
engaged felt improper because we weren’t getting along. We had
been dating for six years and the passion had faded to none. I felt
like I owed it to her to take her hand in marriage because she had
been a huge support in my life through the difficult times. Even
though we had experienced so many negative things together,
there was still love behind my motive in asking her to marry me.
Realizing my motives, I took a peek in a Jewellery store for an
engagement ring.
As I walked into to the store, instantly I became inferior and my
confidence dropped. It felt like I was doing something that I
shouldn’t have been doing. I took a quick glance at the
assortment of rings behind the counter and picked out the one
that resembled the most beauty. I bought it with the cash I
recently made on tour and walked out of the store. I was in the
jewellery store for literally five minutes. It all happened so quickly.
Again, it just didn't seem right.
Seeing Sarah’s car in the driveway as I pulled up to the house that
afternoon brought happiness and smile to my face. I was excited
to enter the house and be greeted with her famous greeting;

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massive hugs and kisses, like she did every time I came home from
a long tour. As I walked into the house, it was dead silent and not
a peep was heard. At first, I thought she was going to jump out
and scare me but there was no sign of her as I walked through the
house. It was a completely opposite experience, compared to her
usual greetings. As I opened the bedroom door, she was sitting on
the bed and just thinking to herself. She greeted me with a
mediocre smile and then got up and walked past me like I was a
figment of her imagination. As she walked past me, I felt rather
unloved. I tried to liven up the mood because I wanted her to be
in good spirits when I asked her the big question. In hindsight, I
think I should have waited for a more appropriate time;
everything seemed so rushed. I followed her into the living room
and as she seated herself on the couch and turned on the
television, I asked for her attention. As I went to one knee and
asked her, “Will you marry me?” She froze in her tracks and didn’t
say anything. After what felt like an eternity, although, it was
probably actually only about a minute, she responded, “Are you
serious? Do you think it’s a good idea?” In the end, it took her
about ten minutes to finally say YES after questioning the
marriage in her mind. From what should have been very romantic,
I was extremely embarrassed. Even though we both knew it was

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wrong from the very beginning, we still went through with the
marriage.
A lesson I’ve learned
As I look back at some of the mistakes I’ve made, I realize that the
ones that caused hurt to people closest to me, like Sarah and
other friends and family; those were the ones that brought the
most emotional pain. Making a mistake in business doesn’t even
compare to the types of mistakes that leave a dear friend
emotionally battered. I realize that I never gave Sarah the
attention that she needed and deserved. She always came a
distant second in my life. My business was always my number one
priority. In looking back, I feel like I didn’t spend the time to make
her feel important or beautiful. She was emotionally neglected
which eventually led to our separation.
Back in reality, images of various scenarios played through my
mind like a turning wheel of thoughts. Random images of Sarah
and I were projected. There were days when Sarah and I would
get along perfectly fine, while others reeked of sadness and
frustration. Even though the joyous and happy times that we
spent together were more of backburner thoughts, the idea of our
new separation and future divorce stood there on my face,

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taunting me. I sat there for a while reminiscing about previous
times that I had with her. These images started to weigh on my
mind and now all I could think of were negative, nasty and
powerless experiences, so I placed the laptop on the coffee table
and tended to more affirming duties.
Later that night, after Melanie had gone to sleep, I sat in bed
anxiously. There was a fixed energy that continuously ran through
my entire body. It was the type of energy that wanted me to do
something proactive and creative. After fighting the urge to stay
in bed, I went downstairs to see what I could get up to. As I
grabbed a glass of milk from the refrigerator, I noticed the laptop
sitting on the coffee table. I then walked into the living room and
sat down on the couch.
As I sat there, I started reading through some of the stories I had
written earlier that day. It was interesting to see that the stories
didn’t hold the same emotional stature like they had before I
wrote them. I couldn’t believe that it only took a few hours to
relieve some of my biggest and most painful emotions from my
mind. I was intrigued so I started writing more.
With every thought that came to my mind, the negative emotions
that were associated with each experience were soon erased for
good, and they were never to be felt again. I was energized. It was
such a liberating feeling to know that I had made some

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considerable progress towards a steady mind and grievance. In
fact, something had triggered a switch inside of me that turned on
the flame I had longed for months. With the computer in front of
me, I continued typing all of the thoughts that entered my mind. It
didn’t matter if they were good or bad thoughts – thoughts from
the near or distant past, as long as they had an image I would
write it. I sat there and wrote for hours. I couldn’t believe how
well my memory had served me. I was on a tear trying to write
down as much detail to as many of my past experiences that I
could. Every time I typed an image on the computer the memory
faded for good and the emotional attachment was never felt
again.
I felt like I had finally come to terms with each situation and I
genuinely forgave myself for each mistake that I had made. I was
now fully capable of leaving my memories in the past, for good.
After a short period of time, I realized that I had written over
twelve pages of memories. After writing a few more stories I
finally went to bed.
The next day I awoke early in the morning because I had to deliver
a presentation to a small school in the far Northern part of the
Province which meant I had to leave before the busy traffic. My
actions felt like more of a routine than the previous day. I was
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roam my mind. Random thoughts from the previous week
reappeared in my head and I started asking questions aloud to
myself. With each thought I needed answers. I asked myself
questions like, “Where did I get my goal setting attitude from, and
why did I choose Motivational Speaking as a career in the first
place?” Just like the previous day, for every thought that I had, I
wrote them down. My questions led to many others and
throughout the day it didn’t stop. The questions just kept coming.
Clarity started unfolding for me, and the life that I had always
longed for was slowly approaching, I could feel it. As I
continuously erased the history of what had made me who I was, I
started to unfold a new personal image – an image that allowed
me peace and happiness; one that’s built in the confines of my
own values and beliefs. As the image unfolded, it helped me gain
everything that I had previously lost. I started to truly understand
who I was as a spiritual being. I started to understand what life
was all about – creating happiness. I started to get to know
myself, and really understand what my personality was. As my
mind answered the random questions that entered my mind, my
future started unfolding right in front of my own eyes.
As the thoughts continued, I was curious about other questions
like, “What are my new goals, ambitions, desires and future
passions?” Although it took some time, my questions were soon

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answered. Halfway through my Northern drive, out of nowhere,
my mind went completely blank. My memory had gone from
processing around sixty thoughts per minute to serving me
absolutely nothing. I sat there and enjoyed the silence.
As I drove the Northern Alberta highways that morning, feelings
of peace and tranquility absorbed my body and mind. As my blank
thoughtless mind served me nothing, I was finally in a relaxed
state and content in the moment. Later that morning I tried
forcing thoughts through my head but my mind wouldn’t accept
them. At times, I searched for some energy within, awaiting some
excitement but nothing came, so I kept driving in silence with a
blank mind.
While I presented a hard-hitting anti-bullying presentation to a
group of youngsters that morning, I felt like a completely different
person. By relieving the anxiety, frustration, remorse and all other
negative emotions from my past, it enabled me to become a truly
better person inside. Compassion for others now serves my mind
rather than the self-absorbed person I had become. While I spoke
to the junior school, I realized that I had flushed over thirty
negative images from my first chapter of life, and those
experiences would never be seen with the same perspective ever
again. It was a liberating feeling knowing that I had finally got rid
of the weight that was dragging me down. The emotions that

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went through my body was abundant. I had never really
understood myself on a personal level, the kind which I had felt
today. I had never really taken the time to analyze myself or
understand myself in a spiritual sense like I did today. It was the
first time that I had taken full responsibility for my own life and
the experiences within it. I realized that it was me who was the
one responsible for everything that I had manifested in my life
and it felt good to understand it all.
On my drive back home that afternoon, as I sat in the driver’s
seat, hundreds of new images spawned my mind. Various happy
images of my past also projected into my mind. One thought that
kept reoccurring was on my wedding day. My mind followed its
every movement.
It was a gorgeous day in mid-July, two and half years ago. I was
conversing with my two older brothers outside of the wedding
facility and we were laughing together. The energy that filled the
air that day was electrifying. The weather was a perfect twenty-
five degrees Celsius and the light wind brushed through the leaves
of the trees while the flowers swayed with perfection. As we
anxiously gathered near the chapel, I remember standing in front
of the patrons with the wedding party as we awaited the bride.
The seats were filled with friends and family and they were all
excited to see us unite. As Sarah walked down the aisle, she was

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the absolute most beautiful thing that I’d ever witnessed. I had
never seen her dressed up to perfection like she was that day. It
was a beautiful sight. As she approached me, my mind fast
forwarded to the near end of the wedding. It was time for the kiss
but before I had a chance to continue the daydream, more
random thoughts interrupted my mind which meant the
experience was now slowly being eliminated from my conscious.
My mind started jumping in and out of various thoughts. Some
were thoughts from last week while others filled my head with
memories of my distant childhood. As the thoughts rapidly
shuffled through my head, the image of an experience that I had
gone through fourteen years previous surfaced; I was playing
baseball with my dad in the backyard.
It was June eighteenth – my birthday, on a Friday afternoon in
mid-June. I had just turned fourteen years old. My friends and I
were rough housing outside of our school. I was waiting for my
Dad to pick me up for the weekend. My parents divorced when I
was a baby which meant weekend visits with my dad during my
youth. All week long, I looked forward to visiting him. He was the
type of father who really cared about his sons and would go out of
his way to do anything for them. Even though I had two older
brothers, it was Dad and I who had a connection that the others

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didn’t. For the two of us, we treasured every moment. It was like
we were best friends.
As we drove to his mobile home, in a trailer park outside of the
city limits that Friday afternoon, I asked if we could play baseball
together. He responded, “Yeah, for sure!” I was excited to hear his
response. As we played baseball together between two trailers
that were separated by three lots, I hit a home run off a pitch that
he had thrown. The problem was; we were the only two playing
which meant I had to retrieve the ball myself. Even though it was
annoying to retrieve the ball every time a home run was hit, I kept
at it because, back then, baseball was my passion. We continued
playing for hours that day and throughout the whole weekend.
Come to think of it, I don’t ever remember putting my baseball
glove down while I was there. It was exactly what I wanted.
As I look back, I realize that the bond that my father and I had
created was something special. He always made sure that I had a
good time during our weekend visits. Back then, he had two
passions in life; one was sports and the other was his kids. It felt
good to be a part of such a warm welcoming family. Every
weekend consisted of something different. It usually started out
with us going to the local Legion, a place where we would go for a
game of billiards and a pop, and when we were finished, we

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would drive out to his trailer park to see what kind of mischievous
things the two of us could muster up. Even though we
experienced so many different things together, the image of us
playing baseball kept with me. The image soon faded and I was
back in reality.
As I snuck back into reality, I realized that I was driving in the
opposing lane against fast-paced highway traffic and almost
collided with a farm truck head-on. It all happened so quickly. I
slammed on the brakes and stopped on the shoulder of the
highway, meanwhile, gasping for a breath of fresh air. I sat there,
trying to gain back my composure but I was genuinely shaken up
by the near head-on collision. As I sat there, I looked around and
all I could see were fields for miles and miles. There was no sign of
any other civilization. While I sat there, I took another few deep
breaths, and, in that moment, my mind went back to another
deep thought that brought me way back.
It was winter and Sarah and I was sitting together in a vehicle
repair shop in a small town in southern Saskatchewan. I had
brought her on a work-related trip so we could spend some time
together, hoping we could rekindle our relationship – little did I
know it was going to be a disaster. It was early on a Saturday
morning and we were waiting for the repairmen to fix the water
pump of my work vehicle which, at the time, was an ugly and

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beaten up Econoline van that I was embarrassed to drive. The van
had broken down the previous evening on our journey to the high
school that I was speaking at which caused a major delay in our
schedule, however, after a tow truck driver towed our vehicle to
the school’s gymnasium doors, and after rescheduling with the
school’s principal, I successfully delivered my speech.
We were forced to stay the night so we could get the van fixed. It
seemed like everything was falling out of place. Not only did we
have vehicle troubles, Sarah and I weren’t getting along. It was a
disaster in the making.
Sitting in the repair shop was like watching paint dry – it felt
tedious. At one point, Sarah had become so anxious, she started
pacing the floor. Her mind was filled with anxiety, realizing that
the longer we waited in the repair shop the later she was going to
be for her curling bonspiel that she was scheduled to skip that
evening. To top it all, we had a long five-hour drive ahead of us
and the roads were in terrible condition. There was no way we
were going to make decent driving progress. After waiting for
about three hours at the repair shop that morning, we were
finally given the keys to the vehicle.
The entire drive home it was snowing to the point of a near
blizzard. The highways were narrow and icy and I was driving
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make up some lost travel time. The thought that continuously ran
through my mind while I drove was, “If there hadn’t been a
reason to be home so quickly, I wouldn’t have been driving so
fast,” However, I didn’t let that thought interject with the fast
pace that I was making. I noticed a few other vehicles in the ditch
but it didn’t raise any more tension than I already had – I basically
white-knuckled it the entire way, in fear of losing control of the
vehicle on the icy roads.
Around the three hour mark of our journey, out of nowhere, our
vehicle shifted on the highway’s ice and I was completely out of
control of the vehicle. We slid sideways into the ditch at over a
hundred kilometers per hour. As our tires hit the snow-packed
ditch, our van rolled onto its side, leaving scattered presentation
equipment around us. We were stranded in the middle of
nowhere.
After making sure we were both physically okay, we regained our
composure and scrambled through the broken driver’s side
window and walked towards the highway’s shoulder for safety. As
a few slow moving vehicles passed with caution, I flagged down a
driver who was travelling in the same direction. He stopped and
offered to give us a ride. As we entered the mid-sized Buick, Sarah
sat in the back while I sat in the front, just in case the drive didn't
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back home which was roughly forty-five minutes. I am still
grateful for his help that day.
As we arrived at home safely, later that evening, all I could think
about was how I would have felt if Sarah had been injured in the
accident. My thoughts started to bother me. I knew that I was the
one responsible for the accident because I made the choice to
drive too fast. Sarah didn’t make it in time for her curling bonspiel
either, however, she wasn’t too upset because she knew we had
done the best we could. Even though there weren’t very many
positive attributes to our journey, I think the accident helped both
of us look at life with a new perspective. Since that day I’ve taken
a different approach when in a rush; I make sure that safety
comes first. For some strange reason, we got along famously that
night. It was like the accident triggered compassion inside us for
each other. The image soon faded to none.
Back in reality, I sat in my vehicle on the shoulder of the highway.
While quietly seated, my cell phone rang. It was Melanie and she
said, “Hi Babe, I just wanted to make sure that you’re going to be
home for supper.” I totally disregarded my near accident and
responded, “Yeah, the presentation goes until two thirty and I
should be home by five, so I’ll see you then!” As I ended the
telephone call and pulled back onto the highway, I continued my
pursuit. I started slowly eliminating the fear resulting from the

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recent mishap. In fact, a smile soon came to my face. At that
moment, for some strange reason, I started to gather happy
feelings inside. I don’t know where they came from but I truly felt
happy and content. Thoughts on my new relationship with
Melanie surfaced. It was enlightening knowing that we were
perfect for each other. I hadn’t felt so content with someone like I
felt then. It was truly a refreshing feeling. However, not too long
into the drive, my mood changed for the worse. My previous
thoughts had triggered uneasy feelings inside of me. My mind
went back into a deep thought that took place just a few months
before my separation from Sarah.
Sarah and I were sitting in the living room of our rented house in
the Southeast of Calgary. It was only four and half months after
we had gotten back together from our first separation and she
had just finished crying. I remember like it was yesterday. She told
me that she was leaving for good. She said that she had put a lot
of thought into our marriage and realized that her independence
was more important to her and she wanted to leave. I remember
the emotions that went through my body when she told me that
she and I were breaking up for good – it was heartbreaking. It was
tough to deal with but I knew that she was unhappy and I couldn’t
bear to see her sad and miserable any longer. I believe it was the
best choice in the end.

Kerry Girling
70
As we sat there together, I saw the continuous flow of tears fall
from her eyes. It was an awkward situation, one the most
awkward I’ve ever been in actually. We both knew that we had
made mistakes throughout our relationship; however, we also
knew that breaking up would be beneficial for both rather than
living unsatisfied. At this point, she didn’t feel confident that we
could recreate a lasting and powerful relationship, especially not
like it had been before. We just didn’t have the same type of
respect for each other. As our short discussion came to an end,
she finally said the words that broke us apart for good – I want to
leave you. The image then faded.
As I write about my marriage that ended in divorce, feelings of
relief fill my conscious. With every word that I write, more and
more relief is present within my mind. I no longer look at our
relationship as tarnished or diseased. I am now able to include the
divorce in my memory catalogue – the one that I’m slowly
relieving each day. I have chosen to look at my past experiences
as positive enforcement for my future, rather than looking at
them as mistakes and failure. I’ve realized that my mistakes have
led to many important life lessons, and the lessons that I learned
have led to knowledge that I will use to fulfill my next
relationship. Four days after Sarah and I separated I met Melanie.

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