Reports are coming in from the United States that the self-proclaimed fourth Beatle (she never counted Paul), Yoko Ono, has already caused a major divide in the hospital she has been rushed to. Ms Ono allegedly suffered a stroke a few days ago, with her condition later downgraded to her second album. But an anonymous staffer from within the hospital claims Yoko has already started playing the staff off against each other, insisting one is better than the other. “Even under the heady effects of the morphine, Yoko was trying to make one of our neurosurgeons go solo,” the source told local newspapers. “She kept telling him he would have better opportunities in other fields of medicine and that he should start conducting brain surgery naked, only wearing one silver fez hat.” “He’s now left to pursue alternative medicine and another surgeon is considering children’s psychology … it’s awful.” Since making a recovery, Ms Ono has reportedly taken ownership of the hospital and has begun rolling out dubious medical warnings to the local community. “We must be aware of a contagious venereal disease going around at the moment, it’s called the ‘Ringo Starr’ and its symptoms are horrendous,” she claimed in a statement.