Writing Assignment:#3 Read: Puterbaugh, D. “Why Newborns Cause Acrimony and Alimony.” USA Today. 2005. Web. 10 Apr. 2013.    Please refer to Critical Analysis Guidelines for the criteria used to evaluate essays. HU 140 Cultural Diversity Unit 3 Template Communication: The Journey of Message We have all had moments where communication meant the difference between resolving an issue and creating one. Describe an event or incident where being an active listener allowed you to calm a situation. Here are some questions to consider: · What ways did dialogue contribute to diffusing the situation? · Did you or the other people involved demonstrate body language cues that signaled the situation was escalating or diminishing? · How did the situation resolve? · If you could revisit that situation now, what would you change? Click here to share your story! Effective Communication in Art Click on the picture icon to the right and insert images of art (any visual representation) that communicates new understanding of diversity issues. This can be anything from a multi-racial family to the physically active elderly sky diving or water skiing (defying the stereotypes on aging). Click on the word "Text" and describe the message being communicated and explain why some people might miss or ignore this message. If necessary, reference the image on the References page. Listening to the Voiceless Go to this YouTube channel and view three or more interviews with the homeless that are not from your race/ethnicity/gender group. Select one that you feel created the most effective message to help yourself and others understand the unique issues facing the homeless population. Once you select your video, click on 'share,' then click on 'embed,' and finally click on 'copy' found at the lower right. Next, click inside the textbox below, then click on the "Insert" menu and select "Online Video" from the menu. Select the option where you 'paste' the embed code. If necessary, reference the video on the References page. Click here Address the following questions: 1. What feelings or emotions did the video draw out in you? What made you connect to the person being interviewed? 2. What stereotypes did you find yourself falling into initially? 3. How might this video or others like it bring an end to othering of the homeless? Click here Literature and Identity Power Literature has been used over the centuries in assimilating cultures and establishing cultures, but in more modern times it has become an effective tool to bring 'voice' to the marginalized and underrepresented. One example is Amy Tan, an Asian American writer of the novel, The Joy Luck Club, and many others. Her essays often focus on Identity Power in ways that are inclusive to all groups which is one reason her work has been so effective. Click on this link and read her essay "Mother Tongue." In the textbox below add ...

1. Writing Assignment:#3
Read: Puterbaugh, D. “Why Newborns Cause Acrimony and
Alimony.” USA Today. 2005. Web. 10 Apr. 2013.
Please refer to Critical Analysis Guidelines for the criteria used
to evaluate essays.
HU 140 Cultural Diversity Unit 3 Template
Communication: The Journey of Message
We have all had moments where communication meant the
difference between resolving an issue and creating one.
Describe an event or incident where being an active listener
allowed you to calm a situation. Here are some questions to
consider:

2. · What ways did dialogue contribute to diffusing the situation?
· Did you or the other people involved demonstrate body
language cues that signaled the situation was escalating or
diminishing?
· How did the situation resolve?
· If you could revisit that situation now, what would you
change?
Click here to share your story!
Effective Communication in Art
Click on the picture icon to the right and insert images of art
(any visual representation) that communicates new
understanding of diversity issues. This can be anything from a
multi-racial family to the physically active elderly sky diving or
water skiing (defying the stereotypes on aging). Click on the
word "Text" and describe the message being communicated and
explain why some people might miss or ignore this message. If
necessary, reference the image on the References page.

3. Listening to the Voiceless
Go to this YouTube channel and view three or more interviews
with the homeless that are not from your race/ethnicity/gender
group. Select one that you feel created the most effective
message to help yourself and others understand the unique
issues facing the homeless population. Once you select your
video, click on 'share,' then click on 'embed,' and finally click
on 'copy' found at the lower right.
Next, click inside the textbox below, then click on the "Insert"
menu and select "Online Video" from the menu. Select the
option where you 'paste' the embed code. If necessary,
reference the video on the References page.
Click here
Address the following questions:
1. What feelings or emotions did the video draw out in you?
What made you connect to the person being interviewed?
2. What stereotypes did you find yourself falling into initially?
3. How might this video or others like it bring an end to
othering of the homeless?
Click here

4. Literature and Identity Power
Literature has been used over the centuries in assimilating
cultures and establishing cultures, but in more modern times it
has become an effective tool to bring 'voice' to the marginalized
and underrepresented. One example is Amy Tan, an Asian
American writer of the novel, The Joy Luck Club, and many
others. Her essays often focus on Identity Power in ways that
are inclusive to all groups which is one reason her work has
been so effective. Click on this link and read her essay "Mother
Tongue." In the textbox below address the following questions:
1. How does the essay bring a new perspective to the idea of
language?
2. In what ways could you directly relate to her explanation of
'many Englishes?'
3. How does Amy Tan expose the need for effective listening?
Click here

5. Reflections
Now that you have had the opportunity to learn more about the
importance of listening as a first step in effective
communication among all groups, please address the following
to complete your Unit 3 template.
1. The headlines are filled with injustices each and every day,
and it seems nothing is being done to combat the negative
communication in modern society. Think of an issue that
directly impacts your immediate community and create a short
dialogue to put communication within that community on a
positive track.
Click here
2. Take a few moments to imagine you were one of the
'Invisible People' being interviewed. What would your message
be to the audience? How might you say to help bring about an
effective dialogue that begins the process of restoring the
dignity of those who are financially disabled?
Click here

6. Reference page
Reference your video or any other sources used here.
Are you listening? Am I listening?
Topic for assignment #4
Read

7. Gordon, Maureen S. "Stop Medical Experimentation on Our
Children." Health Care Commentary, Newswithviews.com. Web.
22 Oct. 2009.
STOP MEDICAL EXPERIMENTATION ON OUR CHILDREN
By NHF President, Maureen Salaman Gordon
The year was 1961, a time of great darkness in conventional
adult psychiatry (the darkness of ignorance is only now just
beginning to lift). This is a true story.
Julie was not quite two years old when her father became
concerned about her behavior. She fought with her little brother,
wasn't quite getting the right potty training, and openly defied
her parents. Normal behavior under most standards, considering
her age. However, for a psychiatrist trained in the use of drugs,
not child behavior, it was enough to prescribe a heavy
tranquilizer with dangerous side effects.
She might never have discovered the terrible secret if her father
hadn't recorded it in her baby book. He wrote, Unusual
fussiness and irritability. Much sibling quibbling. It has
regressed to bedwetting. Definite signs of psychological
insecurity. Dr. Ames prescribed a tranquilizer of the promazine
type (phenothiazine). The reaction created spastic movements
(dyskinesia), eye rolling (oculogyric), and general tremors.
Julie was admitted to the hospital when she lost motor control
of her body. Her neck lost its support of its head, which lolled
onto her shoulder, her eyes rolled back uncontrollably, she
slurred her words, her hands shook, she had trouble walking,
and she had facial tics. She was lucky she didn't die or end up
brain damaged. She was in the hospital two days before the
effects of the drug wore off and she started to regain normal
function.
More reasons to reject pharmaceuticals for our kids
Only now, almost forty years later, is the FDA and conventional

8. medicine admitting that their policies of promoting dangerous
prescription drugs have been victimizing our kids.
We have had a decades-lone experimentation with our children,
admits Dianne Murphy, FDA pediatric drug specialist, in a
November 1999 article in USA Today.
According to widely cited statistics, 80 percent of prescriptions
written for children involve medications approved only for adult
use. Adverse drug reactions account for more than 100,000
deaths each year, according to some reports. And at least half a
million American children are taking prescription and
antidepressants that have not been determined to be safe or
effective in children.
Why children kill
There are 3-4 million children and adolescents suffering from
depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder in the US,
according to a number of sources. Despite the fact that there are
a number of concerns about prescribing antidepressants to
youths, doctors have been prescribing them for children, with
some 580,000 children and adolescents being prescribed SSRIs
(selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) such as Prozac, Paxil,
and Zoloft in 1996.
The use of Prozac alone went from 41,000 ages 6-12 in 1995 to
203,000 in 1996. Though shocked by bizarre shottings in
schools, few Americans have noticed how many shooters are
among the six million kids now on psychotropic drugs.
Kip Kinkel, a 15-year-old youth who killed his parents and
killed two and wounded 22 of his fellow students at Thurston
High School in Oregon, was taking Prozac.
Eric Harris, one of the shooters at Columbine High in Littleton,
CO, was under the influence of Luvox (fluvoxamine), an anti-
depressant medication. The potential side effects of Luvox are
listed in the manufacturer's warning. Frequent adverse effects
include manic reaction and psychotic reaction. Symptoms of
mania include delusions of grandeur, intense irritability, rages
and delusional thoughts.
Ann Blake Tracy, PhD, author of Prozac: Panacea or Pandora?

9. has been studying the violent, dark side of SSRI drugs for ten
years. She has researched 32 murder/suicides involving women
and their children. She found that in 24 of 32 cases a SSRI drug
was involved.
A report issued in 1995 by the Drug Enforcement Agency
warned that Ritalin, commonly prescribed for Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), shares many of the
pharmacological effects of cocaine. Some experts believe
Ritalin can cause psychotic reactions resulting in suicide and
violent behavior toward others.
Most medicines are administered to children lacking
manufacturer's recommendations -- in other words, by the seat
of their pants. Except for a relatively small number of therapies
for infections and childhood diseases, physicians can only guess
on dosages for children, increasing the likelihood of dangerous,
even deadly, side effects. How many parents do you think are
told this by their doctor? How many find out too late?
Drug makers put profit before safety
The lack of clinical data on drug safety and efficacy in children
goes back to the long-held belief that it is unethical to enroll
infants and small children in clinical trials before obtaining
adult test data documenting safety and effectiveness.
This line of thinking was changing by 1977 when the American
Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) asserted that the exclusion of
children from trials was more unethical than testing because it
forced physicians to prescribe drugs for children based on
inadequate information. The FDA responded in 1979 by adding
a pediatric use section to the indications section of the label in
an attempt to encourage manufacturers to provide additional
dosing information.
However, few drug manufacturers were willing to invest in
added testing for very small patient populations. Not surprising
when you consider that pharmaceutical sales for adults in the
United States run about $70 billion a year, while those for
children account for a mere $3.5 billion. The figures are even
smaller for pediatric use of medications to treat degenerative

10. and potentially fatal conditions such as arthritis, cancer, AIDS,
cardiorenal problems and depression. Through the 1980s little
changed. Most drugs remained pediatric orphans, with three
quarters of medications offering inadequate information on their
use for children.
The situation prompted FDA to issue a revised rule in 1994,
offering an alternative method to support pediatric use
information. It specified that when the course of a disease is
similar in adults and children sponsors may submit data from
controlled clinical trials in adults, together with testing to show
effectiveness in pediatric populations.
The new policy has generated about 400 efficacy supplements.
Unfortunately, about 75 percent of them proved to be
inadequate, offering minor word changes and unanalyzed
literature reviews. The continued lack of pediatric data
prompted government officials to try again.
In August 1997 Congress gave the FDA the right to require
manufacturers to conduct studies and supply data to document
the safety and effectiveness of pediatric uses for all new and
existing medications that are likely to be used in children or for
those that offer meaningful therapeutic benefits over existing
treatments. The requirement was never mandated. There was too
much complaining by the manufacturers to risk losing the tax
base.
Although they naturally support the concept of developing more
drugs for children, thus increasing their profit margin, they
object strongly to a government mandate that they conduct
studies or label a product in a specific way. Drug makers'
excuses include concern that added information requirements
could slow or side-track the development of new therapies for
adults, that regulators did not fully appreciate the difficulties of
developing pediatric formulations, and that the proposal
contradicts emerging international policies -- all deemed more
important than the safety of our children.
Trying once again, last year an FDA rule required companies
seeking approval of new products to do pediatric studies if their

11. drugs will be taken by children. Adding an economic incentive
(one they will understand), if companies do pediatric studies
requested by the FDA (they have to be bribed to do the right
thing?), dederal legislation grants them an additional six months
of profit exclusivity before generic forms of their drugs enter
the market. Several makers of antidepressants have studies
under way. None of the drugs are close to winning approval for
use with children.
What's wrong with this picture?
While the Feds and the FDA walk on eggshells to avoid
incurring the wrath or disapproval of pharmaceutical companies,
children are being victimized by helpless doctors and parents
who deed into the propaganda that drugs are the only solutions
to their medical and behavioral problems.
Prescribing medicine is a two-edged sword. Doctors and parents
expect the drugs to help a child recover from his illness.
However, the specter of side effects, some of which can be
serious or even deadly, is always present.
A 1998 Canadian study of 1,545 children under 17 years old
who experienced drug side effectrs found that antibiotics are the
number-one cause, specifically amoxicillin and ampicillin,
which caused 24% of all drug reactions. Vaccines were second
at 19%. Antibiotics found to be troublesome included Ceclor,
sulfamethoxazole-trimethoprim (Septra, Bactrim),
erythromycin, penicillin, cloxacillin, and
erythromycin/sulfisoxazole.
Serious side effects from pharmaceuticals designed for adults is
a serious issue. The tip of the iceberg are antiviral AIDS drugs
which damage childrens' hearing, cause seizures and cardiac
arrest, asthmatic children whose growth is stunded by inhaling
high doses of cortico steroids; and children becomming
irritable, confused, delirious and even hallucinatory after their
parents applied a topical over-the-counter dyphenhydramine
product (brand names include Caladryl, Ziradryl and chain
drugstores brands like CVS's Calohist) over large areas of skin.
In December, doctors at a Tennessee hospital gave 200 infants

12. the antibiotic erythromycin as a precaution when they were
exposed to whooping cough. Seven of the infants because ill
with pyloric stenosis, in which a muscle at the bottom of the
stomach enlarges, blocking food from passing to the small
intestine, requiring surgical treatment. All the affected babies
were under three weeks of age.
Precaution is no excuse for giving antibiotics that pose serious
risks to infants, especially to babies so young. Newborns are
also sometimes given erythromycin when the mother has tested
positive for chlamydia.
Have you ever seen the hot pink diaper rash of a fungus
infection on a baby that's being treated with antibiotics? The
overkill is appalling.
Dr. Jonathan Wright did biopsies on children with asthma. He
found that in those who were given antibiotics before five years
of age, the cilia in the intestine was severely impaired,
compromising digestion and creating allergic reactions.
Even the American Journal of Pediatrics admits that chronic ear
infections are caused by food allergies. Dr. Wrignt claims that
if you give children the age of four antibiotics they will have
asthma before the age of five or six, and 50 percent will have
epileptic seizures. Incidences of asthma in children under four
years of age have increased in the last decade by 160 percent.
Many drugs are approved without pediatric testing and even
then manufacturers do testing for correct dosages only after the
drugs are approved.
It behooves all of us to insist that natural medicines continue to
be studied and embraced, and that man-made chimicals have no
place in our lives and the lives oand health of our children. We
must demand that pharmaceutical companies be held
accountable for their propaganda and that our freedom of
medical choice be honored.
References:
Adult Medication is Used on Young Without Testing. USA
Today, November 30, 1999
American Family Physician, p.1734, November 15, 1998.

13. Antibiotic Tied to Seven Newborns' Stomach Disorder. Bynum,
Russ, Associated Press, December 17, 1999.
Antidepressant Makers Study Kids' Market, Wall Street Journal,
v. CCXXIIX, n. 66, p. 81 April 4, 1997
Columbine Shooter Was Prescribed Anti-Depressant, CNN
Interactive, April 29, 1999
Doping Our Kids, Bresnahan, David M., WorldNetDaily.com,
April 9, 1999
Drug Reactions, Pediatrics for Parents, May 1999.
Effect of Asthma and Its Treatment on Growth: Four Year
Follow-Up of Cohort of
Children from General Practices in Tayside, Scotland,
McCowan, C., et al.,
British Medical Journal, 316, 7132, 668(1), February 28, 1998.
Website of the http://www.drugawareness.org/Columbine.html
Pediatric Antiviral AIDS Therapy Damages Hearing in
Children, AIDS Weekly Plus, October 26, 1998
The Pediatric Drug Development Challenge, Pharmaceutical
Technology, v. 22, n. 8, p. 12, August 1998.
Writing assignment.#2
Read: Kalson, Sally. "Making an Aggressive Case for Day
Care's Benefits." Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. 25 Apr. 2001. Web.
22 Oct. 2009
Please refer to Critical Analysis Guidelines for the criteria used
to evaluate essays.
10/12/2009 Making an aggressive case for day car...
10/12/2009 Making an aggressive case for day car...
10/12/2009 Making an aggressive case for day car...
PG News

14. Get all the news you need from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
Columnists
Sally Kalson
post-gazettam
Making an aggressive case for day care's benefits
Wednesday, Apnl 25, 2001
Mark once said that hopefill reports ofhis death had been geatly
exaggerated. Parents would do well to take a similar view of
last week's brouhaha over aggression and day care.
News reports quoted a professor who warned that children in
rmre than 30 hours ofday care a week are more aggressive. But
what he ñiled to is that these "aggessive" children were well
within the normal range Weather* ofbehavior, and their
incidence ofhitting or bids for attention were no greater
CLICK HERE than in the population at large.
post-gazette.com So anyone to today's moms with tormrrow's
superHeadlines predators on the basis of this study is way out
on a limb.
by E-mail
The professor in question is Jay Belsky, fornMly of Penn State
and currently ofthe University and he's entitled to his spin. But
some ofthe study's other 28 researchers including two at the
University of Pittsburgh -have a different interpretation of the
same results.
The fidings come from the longest-running investigation into
the effects of child care the nation's history. Begun in 1991 by
the National Institutes of Child Health and Human
DevelopnEnt, it has 10 teams ofresearchers around the country
following 3, 100 ñmilies from the birth oftheir children through
the sö(th grade.
Their reports are always eagerly awaited because people on all

15. sides of the day-care debate have signed on to the project. But
that doesn't mean they agree on what the results nEan.
I called Pitt psychologist Susan Campbell, a principal
researcher along with her Pitt colleague Celia Brownell, to ask
if she agreed with Belskÿs
"Absolutely not, " said.
post-gazette.com/.../20010425sally6.asp 1/3
The study find that children m rmre than 30 hours ofday care
had a higher rate ofaggressive behaviors than those fewer hours
or no care, Car*ll said, but even those elevated rates were no
higher in the general population of4 and 5-year-olds.
'These kids are nornnL" said. 'We're not talking about
clinically significant levels. They don't need to be referred for
help because theÿre aggessive. There is no cause for alarm
here."
Armng the studÿs other recent results:
· Children in higher quality care in the first 4 1/2 years had
better language and cognitive developfiEnt and were rmre ready
for school
· Children who watched a lot did rmre poorly in language and
cogffire developnEnt.
· Caregvers with rmre training and fewer children their charge
were rmre stirmlating and responsive, so the children did better.
'We can't regulate the way people behave with kids, but there
are we can regulate in child care, such as training, education
and ratios, " Car*ll said.
'th'that we need is higher quality child care across the board."
SonE have read ofBeLskÿs take on the NICHD study and
concluded that parents -- usually rmthers -- should stay home
with their chluren That is always an option for those who
choose it, but thß would be a good tinE for a little reafty check.
Last year, according to the Bureau ofLabor Statistics, 9.7
mülion with children under age 6 were in this country. Son•E
6.9 million worked fill] tinE and another 2.8 million part time.
All told, they accounted for 7 percent ofthe nation's enployment

16. rolls.
That's not enough to collapse the whole economy ifevery one of
them quit their jobs tormrrow, but it's enough to make for a
pretty uncomfortable squeeze.
And the fields where dominate the work force -- say, teachers,
nurses, health care aides and administrative staff-- it's certainly
enough to throw the nation's schools, hospitals, nursing homes
and large corporations into a labor crisis.
What thß that day care isn't going away. Families need it; the
economy needs it; welñre reform needs it.
This doesn't nEan the 30-hours ñctor should be discounted in
day-care discussions. Indeed, it could make a good for offeñg
the options ofreduced work weeks, flexible schedules or a year
off after the ofa child.
But parents should not be scared into quitting their jobs on the
basis of this study, reports ofwhich have been yeatly
exaggerated.
Sally Kalson 's e-mail address is [email protected]
PG Columnists
aE-mail this page to a friend
Take me to...
Jump
Corrections
Contact Us
Search
Site Map
Help
About Us Advertise
Copyright 01997-2009 PG Publi§ling. All rights reserved.Terms
of Use Privacy Policy

17. post-gazette.com/.../20010425sally6.asp 3/3
Article 27
Why Newborns CauseAcrimony and Alimony
"Differences in expectations of what parenting will bring to the
marriage, and how to handle children, money, power, decisions,
and chores all factor into the stresses that erode so many
unions."
134
134
135
DOLORES PUTERBAUGH
abies enter a couple's life through birth, adoption, or
remarriage, creating new relationships, responsibilities, and
joys. Whether a surprise, planned, or long sought, most babies
are preceded with increased excitement, careful preparations,
and growing hopes. Tiny clothing is -,ought; bedrooms are
repainted; the best safety furniture and cariers obtained.
Parents-in-waiting attend, prenatal classes, scour books for
information, and tolerate bushels of uninvited advice from
family, friends, and strangers. Many couples seem
overprepared, if such a thing is possible.
Yet, in the midst of this nearly obsessive planning and
preparirig, something often evades notice: about one in 10
couples divorce before their first child begins school. How can
a baby generate such a series of emotional tidal waves that so
often culminate in acrimony and alimony?
The changes in duties, income, and even the layout of the
family home are anticipated; my experiences in the therapy
room and with professional literature indicate that the true
impact of
these changes apparently strikes with little warning. If they are

18. wise, aching new parents in hurting marriages will come for
counseling before the damage is irreparable. At the beginning of
counseling, Rebecca and Joshua (made-up characters) are angry,
hurt, unappreciated, disappointed, and ashamed. "We always put
the children first," they say proudly, but here they are, nearly
dashed onto the rocks by an eight-poúnd tsunami.
The little tidal wave sweeps up both parents. Mom may be
pulled up towards the crest, immersed in the profound
relationship with the baby, while dad is swimming against the
current under 20 feet water. These roles will shift as the waves
crest, break, and rise again. Changes of all solts—from money o
time to perceptions of power and responsibility—drive those
gaves of emotional change.
If one parent, often the mother, provides full-time care for the
infant, the loss of income creates emotional tension as well as
financial stress. Betty Calter, founder and director at the Family
Institute of Westchester (N.Y.), discovered in her research that
the primary wage earner gradually takes on more financial
decisionmaking rather than sharing decisions as when both were
employed. In marriages where couples maintain separate
finances; the difficulties may be compounded:• "my money" and
"your money" become one person's money.
When Rebecca left her job to care for the baby, she felt like a
child having to ask Joshua for money each week; to her, it was
like he had a checkbook and she had an allowance. Their
eventual solution was to budget an amount each partner can
spend on personal activities and purchases, while setting up two
individual checking accounts in addition to the family account.
This way, each has "my money" and there is adequate "our
money." Neither Joshua nor Rébecca will have to ask
permission to have lunch with a friend or get angry about ATM
transactions not entered into the family checkbook.
Reducing any feeling of dependency will have to include an
effort to discuss finances in terms of "us" rather than "mine and
yours." Feeling dependent can lead to feeling powerless, to and
a cutoff of communication; we only can resent those whom we

19. feel have power over us. It may be that the working parent
solicits input on decisions but that the nonworking parent
seemingly is reluctant to act as a full partner—but each
perceives it differently; one feels stuck with full responsibility
while the other feels marginalized.
Who has power over whom? While the stay-at-home parent may
feel dependent and helpless, the working parentcertainly is not
riding the wave. According to a study published in the Journal
of Marriage and the Family, men who are the primary or sole
wage earner for a growing family often define themselves as
successful parents if they provide financially for the family,
while their wives define successful parenting based on
relationships with the children and their satisfaction with
parenting.
Article 27. Why Newborns Cause Acrimony and Alimony
Dad is under pressure to work longer hours, earn more money,
and increasingly be concerned about job security and benefits; a
man who pleviously explored his options if his current position
was not satisfactory may feel painted into a corner because
others completely depend on him. Where his wife perceives
power, he feels pressure. Separated by a wall of water, they are
at odds, with fewer resources.
If they are typical, the couple has little time to discuss their
differences. New parenthood correlates with less leisure time
together, fewer positive interactions between the new parents,
and a sense of reduced emotional availability for both spouses.
Rebecca is preoccupied with managing the baby and household
duties. Joshua is working longer hours and worrying about the
bills and future expenses of childrearing. Like many couples,
they may avoid addressing their problems—and tension will
build between them. The financial freedom they had to go
places has been reduced. Both are exhausted and stressed.
Angry that Joshua is "not helping," Rebecca turns more and
more to her family and girlfriends for emotional support,
discussing practical issues as well-as her loneliness, need for
adult companionship, and resentment towards her husband.

20. Women, in particular, are likely to look for emotional support
outside the malTiage, from friends and family members.
Turning primarily to outsiders for support, even extended
family—rather than one another—can weaken the relationship,
already challenged by financial stresses, interrupted sleep, and
shifts in power and responsibility.
Differences in how men and women tend to define family roles,
satisfactory parenting experiences, and their expectations for
the marriage continue to foment trouble for many couples even
after the first months of their child's infancy, when the parent
on leave may have returned to work.
As introduced earlier, men often define themselves as
successful parents based on how well they provide for their
children. Society reinforces this perspective, from the marketing
for the "best" infant equipment to the expectation that the
parents of young adults should finance their offspring's
education. Both men and women can fall victim to a societal
message that children always must come first. Many men
confess to resentment at the pressure to provide financially at
the expense of getting to know and enjoy their kids, but, in line
with cultural expectations, fathers often focus more on
providing and less on handson parenting.
As published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family,
William Marsiglio of the University of Florida found that over
10% of fathers never take their child (age four or under)
anywhere on outings alone, while 15% never read to their young
offspring. Men become more involved as their children mature.
Fathers spend more time with sons and outgoing daughters;
quiet daughters generally are more difficult for new dads.
Mothers report consistent levels of interaction with their
children regardless of temperament or parental satisfaction;
indeed, the cultural pressure for mothers is to put the
relationship with their children above everything else. However,
the balance of the family and the relationship between spouses
only can suffer when their primary commitment stops being to
one another.

21. "For a woman . . . children in the home tend to bring more
work, restricted freedom and privilege, and less pleasurable
time with her husband."
The differences between fathers' and mothers' involvement do
not appear to be entirely explained by mothers being the at-
home parent, as working moms spend much more time with their
children than fathers do. Even the morning commute tends to
include more parenting-related concerns for mothers than
fathers. In many marriages, then, husbands tend to perceive, and
act on, a greater range of options in their level of involvement
with their children, with their wives carrying the greater part of
the burden regardless of whether both parents are wage earners.
In such a situation, the wife may grow to resent her husband.
She perceives him as wieldThg more financial power and then
acting on his apparerit to pick and choose how much to engage
with his offspring. He, meanwhile, sees his previous best friend,
lover, and companion putting him second, third, fourth—or
lower-on the priority list despite his efforts to be a good
husband and father.
Joshua, working longer hours and cutting back on his own
activities, begins to shut down in the face of Rebecca's apparent
anger towards him. From his perspective, he cannot understand
why she seems to be turning against him when he is doing his
best to be a good husband and father. She cannot see why he
does not want to spend more time with the baby. Didn't they
agree to start a family? She is returning to work and expects
him to start doing his share.
The breakdown of household tasks is a common topic for
general discussion, women's magazines, and the occasional
serious researcher. While many women stereotypically may
complain that their husband does "nothing" around the house,
research indicates this may be only a slight exaggeration. In
2004, surveys in the Journal of Marriage and the Family
revealed that,
on average, a full-time working married woman with children

22. spent over 80 minutes per workday on household tasks, while
her employed spouse spent under 30. He, however, probably is
working two-and-a-half to five hours more per week at a
fulltime job than she is, making up for some of those missed
housework hours. On weekends, her total time went up to
almost 140 minutes, while his was just over 50. As time passes,
the presence of daughters brings relief not to mother, but to
father: The "mother's helper" tends to take over chores
previously done by dad, reducing his duties rather than mom's!
Despite generally perceived changes in the inequality of male-
female responsibility to children, moms still are spending more
time than dads on household choles and tending to the kids.
Youngsters under five require constant supervision: even a
baby-proofed house can be dangerous when—if only for a
moment—an adult's back is turned. Somehow, working mothers
are managing to spend well over twice as much time on chores,
and perform those chores while keeping a watchful eye on
children. It is arguable that those chores might take less time
were she not simultaneously managing a toddler or two.
ANNU'AL£DITIONS
For a woman, then, children in the home tend to bring more
W6rk, rešfficted freedom and privilege, and less pleasurable
time witffhèr husband. Meanwhile; her husband terids to be
working extra about finances, and looking forward to when the
children are old enough for him to enjoy. While it is not a
picnic for anyone, it is not surprising that mothers report
greater distress during the new parenting period. It is a warning
alarm for marriagesThat, for women, greater unhappiness with
parenting is correlated to marital dissatisfaction. Essentially,
for women, parenting, marriage, and self-image are part of the
same package, while for men, dissatisfaction in one area can
have nothing to do with another.
Interestingly, fathers often report less satisfaction with their
role as parents than women, but compartmentalize this from

23. their feelings about marriage. As women become resentful of
men's decisions about finances, family time, and chores, they
seek social and emotional support outside the marriage from
family and friends. As fewer confidences are exchanged
between the couple, emotional distance develops. As typified by
Joshua and Rebecca, the gap may become a chasm if the
husband feels criticized, unappreciated, or overwhelmed by his
wife's disappointment and expectations, or if her attempts to
make things better are not met with some compromise.
Marital researcher John Gottman, co-founder of the Seattle
Marital and Family Institute and author of a number- of books,
including Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, has identified this
turning away from one another-rather than towards one-
another—in times of trouble as one of the danger signs of
impending marital failure. Turning away may be a case of
seeming to ignore one another's efforts to mend fences or by
investing emotionally outside of the marriage for needs
previously met within the union. When couples stop talking
about their differences, and no longer turn first to each other in
times ofjoy and sadness, they become emotionally disengaged.
Happy marriages are correlated with low levels of distress over
the challenges of parenting. Many marriage and family
researchers have asserted that the quality of the marriage itself
predicts the satisfaction with parenting. Healthy relationships
more easily withstand the burdens of parenting. As weønsider
the evidence that so many new parents' marriages devolve into
quagmires of power struggles over finances,. parenting, and
chores, it becomes clear that differences in expectations are best
addressed before the baby affives.
Besides a healthy, honest dialogue about expectations for
parenting styles, couples should address how money will be
handled, division of chores, who will take family medical leave
to provide care for the infant, etc. Whether through family
members, professiOnal therapists, or secular or worship
communities, classes and guided discussions can provide useful
assistance for new parents and: help short-circuit the patterns

24. that lead to divorce preceding kindergarten for so many
families. Couples preparing for,parenthood would do themselves
a great service by learning about one another's actual
expectations of what family life will be like. In this era of
smaller families, many premarital programs include discussions
with long-married couples that can enlighten young people (who
may have grown up with one or no siblings) about childcare,
time demands of children, and some common pitfalls of early
parenting. Those of us who have grown up in large families
have few illusions about the time demands of parenting and are
not shocked that a newborn can take control of a household or
create emotional havoc. Inexperienced parents may have
misconceptions about normal child. development, leading to
anger, frustration, and disappointment with the parenting role.
How many of us have seen steely-eyed, clenche&jawed parents
striding through an amusement park pushing a stroller with an
over-tired, crying child far too young to appreciate a $75 per
person, 12-hour day in what is advertised as a family heaven? A
one-hour visit to a petting zoo can challenge a young family;
heavily invested days of mega-amusement parks are out of line
with most young children's energy and attention spans.
Experienced parents or older children in large families know
this. New parents from small families may not.
A primary complaint of many mothers is their mate's lack of
involvement with the kids: not just in sharing the burdens of the
household, but in actual engagement. One of Rebecca's main
contentions is that Joshua never seems to do anything with the
baby: she feels everything is left to her by default. If she does
get help, she added, it is with household chores rather than
spending time with the baby. Many experts cite men's relative
inexperience and lack of confidence in handling babies and
small children. Added to this may be a solicitous new mother's
tendency to hover and correct based on what she would do;
daddy may be within the bounds of correct care, but if different
from mommy, she is likely to correct him. Providing training to
new fathers, and encouraging new mothers to withhold all but

25. constructive criticism can improve inexperienced fathers'
confidence and comfort in accepting more responsibility for
direct child care.
Coaching both parents can help them handle various situations
and ease fears, perhaps. unspoken, that they will "lose it" and
make a terrible mistake with their child. Discussing household
tasks and division of duties sounds simple, but most
therapists•familiar with couples'. work will assert that such
discussions tend not to occur under ideal circumstances.
Differences in standards are a good area to seek a workable This
requires real listening and work: if one parent believes toddlers
need daily activities (play dates, gymnastic classes, etc.) and
that the house must be vacuumed daily; it may be necessary to
compromise with a mate who believes that weekly—or perhaps
twice-a-week—vacuuming is sufficient and that babies do not
need expensive daily actiVities.
"Many couples [are dissatisfied] with the marriage because the
intimate emotional relationship has beeri subsumed into a
parent-child-parent triangle."
Article 27. Why Newborns Cause Acrimony and Alimony
Bullied by the popular media's obsession with telling parents
how to build the perfect child, Rebecca scheduled exercise
classes, music and reading groups, and other activities; besides
holding herself up to an unrealistic expectation of household
cleanliness. Joshua, meanwhile, was more concerned with
having a happy, relaxed family. He could not see the purpose in
being frantic about activities that were supposed to be fun or in
"dliving ourselves crazy" with daily cleaning routines.
Simplistic as it sounds, switching tasks for a few days can be a
real
eye-opener for everyone. Coaching mothers in asking for the
help they need directly from theft spouse and in being proactwe
in arranging for breaks in childcare duties to pursue adult
interests is another means to improving the situation. Mothers
can take advantage of fathers' hands-on time by gettirig out of

26. the house, having alone time in another room, or enjoying an
uninterrupted phone call. In situations where the father is the
full-time, at-home parent, the roles would reverse: he needs to
spend time alone or with friends.
Many couples stop having couple time in exchange for family
time, leading to dissatisfaction with the marriage because the
intimate emotional relationship has been subsumed into a
parent-child-parent triangle. This is unhealthy for the marriage
and the children. Kids learn by observation. When they see
parents putting one another last, they develop this as a template
for their own future relationships. Children who later have
difficulty maintaining truly intimate adult relationships should
not be a surprise to parents who put family time far ahead of
couple time.
I routinely "prescribe" a couple's night for every family I see,
even if the problem is not the couple but a child's in-school
behavior. The parents are urged to set aside one evening for
themselves; they do not have to go anywhere or spend money.
Couples with infants can schedule this around typical feeding
times. If they have older kids, they are to send them to their
rooms for an extra hour of reading bef01e bedtime. This will
provide a grown-ups' evening, as simple as a video and dinner,
or a game of Scrabble, or pushing back the furniture for so
dåncing. Interestingly, my clients often report that their schoo
age children become enthusiastic about the parents' evening, for
example, hearing a teenager explain to a friend, "No, we can't
watch the game here. . It's my parents' date night. HOW about
your house?" A kindergartner reminds the parents each
Sunday, "Don't forget! It's your date night! We get to go to bed
early and read," Children fear their parents divorcing. If Mom
and Dad have a romantic night every week, it might be gross—
but at least it's not a divorce, runs the child-logic. The
youngster also is getting a powerful message about the
importance of the . marital relationship.
Differences in expectations of what parenting 'Will bring to the
marriage, and how to handle children, money, power, decisions,

27. and chores all factor into the stresses that erode so many
unions. A combination of education, support in seeking healthy
ways to breach differences and strengthen the marital
relationship, and, above all, tuming towards one another to find
solutions and support rather than turning separately to
outsiders, serves to avoid and ameliorate the difficulties of
early parenting that lead to so many fractured families before
the first back-toschool night.
DOLORÈS PUTERB,WGH, a psychotherapist in private practice
in Largo, Fla., is a member of the Advisory Board of the
International Center for the Study Of Psychiatry and
Psychology.
From USA Today Magazine, by Dolores Puterbaugh, May 2005.
pp. 27—29. Copyright C 2005 by Society for the Advancement
of Education, Inc. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.