Women often stay in abusive relationships for several interrelated reasons: 1) The abuse escalates gradually over time, allowing women to adjust to increasing levels of unacceptable behavior. 2) Women cannot afford to leave due to financial dependence on their abuser and lack of alternative housing. 3) Abusers isolate women by manipulating family and friends to maintain an image of being charming, making it difficult for women to get support when seeking help. 4) Through emotional abuse, abusers undermine women's self-esteem and convince them they cannot survive without the relationship, creating barriers to leaving. The transition out of an abusive situation is dangerous, but support is available to help women build safety and independence.

1. Why WomenStay In Domestic Violence Relationships:
I want to uncover why women stay in domestic violence situations. I think
this is a great question. I think every woman who has lived with violence
has asked themselves this question many times. “Why am I staying? What
am I doing here? Why is none of this making sense to me?” So you are
asking this question, women living with abuse are also asking this question.
Once one begins to ask questions change is possible.I like questions.
Email me any of your domestic violencequestions.
In a counseling training I heard this story. It is powerful. One day a frog
was put in boiling hot water and he immediately died.Another frog was put
in a cold pan of water and the heat was slowly turned up on his pan until he
was at the same boiling point that the other frog was when he died.
However, the second frog didn't die immediatelybecause the heat in his
pan was turned up slowly. He had time to adjust to the heat with each
increasing temperature spike. This describes domestic violence the heat in
domestic violence relationships is turned up slowly, women develop a
tolerance for their abusers behavior, women begin to accept the abusers
behavior and then it goes up another level, they adjust, and then it goes up
another level. In domestic violence relationships no one is typically beaten
up and abused the first time they go out to dinner with the perpetrator. This
would be too easy.
The victim acclimates and is slowly being taken into a burning pan of water
over time. You did not immediately one day walk into a relationship where
someone was beating your head against the wall. It starts slowly with a
shovel or push and then there's much remorse and a valley of regret. Many
conversations and convincing sentences that this is never going to happen
again. This is a trap, it will not end. Abuse just doesn’t end one day. One
shining day women gather a great deal of courage and leave. This is the
beginning of healing not waiting for the abuser to change.
Secondlywomen stay for financial reasons.I don't know if you've tried to
finance an apartment with security deposit,and the first and last month's

2. rent on a salary that might be minimum wage. The math on this doesn't
work unless you're earning a fairly decentsalary. Womencannot afford to
leave their abuser unless they want to live on the streets with their children.
Womenhave nowhere else to go, many times families side with the abuser
not the victim. Families will not understand your reality and that you are in
danger. They will frequently side with the abuser as someone who is;
outgoing, fun-loving, a nice guy who would do anything for you. He is
always happy, smiling, and goes out of his way to help you. So when you
show up at your mother's door you are not welcomed or are welcomed but
judged for your harsh treatment and critique of the abuser. Extended family
at times do not supportthe women because they don't see the inside of the
abuser. The woman and her children only see his behavior. This is
calculated, the abuser does this to make sure that her friends/familyknow
he's prince charming. So that she doesn'thave a leg to stand on when she
goes to ask for help. This is done to make the victim stay with the abuser
because no one will really believe her. Afterso many years of living with
someone who is abusive to you you don't believe that you deserve to be
happy. You believe you are the author of my own life, this is what I signed
up for. So now I will just stay. There is a lot of self-talk that women need to
do to talk themselves out of this. And it takes many years sometimes to
understand that you deserve to be happy, you deserve not to walk on
eggshells,you deserve to have your birthday celebrated and your Mother's
Day honored. After you've lived for so long with chaos you tell yourself it
just doesn'tmatter. Then you learn to maintain and you learn to put up with
it. As the heat is turned up in your pan to almost a boiling point you don’t
even notice the extreme heat. At this point you can pretty much withstand
anything. I think women who have lived in domestic violence situations are
the strongestpeople out there and they should be given awards. I don't
know what type of award you should give someone forstaying in domestic
violence but I think they need to be honored. I work with Speaker Match
and I see a lot of postings for breakfasts honoring survivors and I think
that's a wonderful idea to have a breakfast forthe survivors and start the
dialogue around domestic violence. A lot of times people stay in domestic
violence situations because they can't dialogue with their friends.
Additionally, family does not understand your situation. And they don't

3. understand your situation because your abuser has made your private life
such a nightmare it is difficultto describe.The abuser has created their
public life to be so squeaky clean that no one can believe the truths women
are telling. Leftwithout a lot of resources they will frequently just stay and
maintain. Or they will leave without the supportof their extended family and
friends. Their financial resources will be cut in half if not more than what
they're currently living on and I'm not even going to talk about what
happens in court with a domestic violence situation. This is a postfor a
whole differentday. I can give you a snapshots on why women will not
leave domestic violence. Another reason is emotional abuse creates the
false belief that you can't do anything right, that you're not strong enough
to be on your own, that you're not worth anything, you're not valued, your
thoughts are not valued, your needs are not valued, you're not valued at all.
This does not make it easy to gather the self-esteem to go out and create a
fabulous new life for themselves. No one ever tells an abused woman
she's right, they are so used to hearing “You're wrong, you're doing it
wrong, this is wrong, I need this from you and you're not doing this, you're
not doing that, you're not doing the other.” No one ever tells them they do
anything right and if you hear that negative language for so long you will
start to believe it. I can't do anything right, I can't go and support myself,I
can't pull my family out of this, again this is another method the abuser
uses to keep you from leaving. Make no mistake, this is all calculated none
of this is by chance. So just keep that in the back of your mind, everything
they're doing is calculated foryou to stay and maintain the dysfunction. The
time that you leave an abuser is the most dangerous time in your
relationship. Which I find shocking to hear that you are safer at your house
getting the crap beat out of you every night then when you are finally
leaving. This doesn'tseem fair, but this is what the statistics and research
says. Keep yourself safe, know that you matter, know that you're important,
know that you will have many future birthdays away from the abuser.
Please just start to think about leaving today. By now the pan of water you
are sitting in is boiling. Reach your hand up and turn down the burner.
You deserve this!