1. here are not many people in this world
that I call a “friend.” Most people I
know are classified as acquaintances.
You know—people I’ve done shots with, made
some bad decisions with, whatever. I take
the responsibility of friendship seriously. So
when I encounter a friend who drops the ball
not because of mounting pressures, heavy
workloads or day-to-day maintenance of a
household and family, but disappears into
thin air because some guy came along and she
somehow lost the ability to dial a phone well, I
have to be offended. And let’s face it; half the
time the guy creating the time suckage is a guy whose last work address was
the prison laundry, thinks girlfriends are ATMs or drives a Mercedes yet has
no visible means of income because he works in the “import and export” of
leafy plants.
Friends who have respectful, stand-up boyfriends don’t need to be around
them all the time. They trust them and even integrate them into the friend-
ship fold. Friends who have ne’er-do-well boyfriends can’t let them out of
their sight and certainly don’t want anyone to meet him. Managing that type
is a 24-hour job. Hence, I don’t see the Houdini of girlfriends until the rela-
tionship hits rock bottom. So imagine my irritation when one of my smartest,
most successful girlfriends did the unthinkable. She became one of “those
girls.”. I’ll call her Leah—that is her real name. (Actually, she is quite excited
that I am writing about her bad behavior. I love her enthusiasm.)
Leah. What can I say? She is a skilled attorney with a great wit and fabu-
lous personality. A very devoted friend—most of the time. At the moment,
there is an APB out and the search has begun. Unacceptable. I have boy-
friends. So does everyone else. I give relationships a thumbs up. But when is
it acceptable to go missing? These are great defenses that may be used in the
court of Pamela’s opinion:
R Your dog died. Yes, this is acceptable. Let me know where to send the
sympathy card.
R Your boss is the ultimate bully and you have to take the brunt of hours
that don’t end. Let me know where to send the hit man.
R Family ties are binding and need some TLC. Let me know where to send
the bottle of vodka.
R You’re broke as a mofo. Hey, we’ve all been cashed strapped, and party-
ing is not in the budget. Let me know where to send you freelance work.
R Trying to lose some LBs? Dinners out are not in the cards with your best
buddies. Let me know where to send the link to Weight Watchers.
Leah must answer to the following charge of friendship abandonment.
Reasons that could cause me to issue an arrest warrant on charges of friend-
The Great
Disappearing
Act
“XXRay Vision” blogger Pamela
Raymond presents a case of the
good friend gone boyfriend crazy.
By pamela raymond | illustration by sarah quatrano
XXRayVision
Never one to believe that sleep is completely necessary,
Pamela keeps a hectic social schedule, so she sees a
lot of relationship dilemmas. A native of New Orleans,
Pamela infuses a mix of Southern sass and Yankee tough
love in all of her columns. Pamela also writes a blog for
“Girls Guide To The Galaxy” and uses her MBA from Maryville
Universityto run her own PR and events firm, The Raymond
Experience. You can follow her on Twitter @RayExperience.
ship abandonment and lesser and included charges of neglect and silliness
that include:
R Canceling plans last minute based on the needs of a boyfriend. If you
already committed to a GNO (girls night out) then bail with a lame excuse a
half hour before meeting up, I will get medieval on you.
R Taking on the chameleon effect by doing everything your new boyfriend
likes. It’s one thing to support, but another to drink the Kool-Aid. His com-
petitive foosball career should not be a reason why you can’t go your best
friend’s baby shower. Grow a set. Besides, he has a mommy. He doesn’t need
you to praise him 24/7. Just sayin’.
R Talking incessantly about your relationship. Friends are there to listen,
but if you go on and on about problems that you don’t want to solve just to
hear your lungs get some exercise, then shut up. If there are a ton of issues
with the love of your life, it makes it more offensive that you would disappear
from your friend’s lives to coddle him and his craziness.
Ladies and gents, having a relationship isn’t an either/or proposition when
it comes to friendships. Balance can be achieved if you want it. Keep in mind
that friendships are to be nurtured, not retreated like a pit stop between
relationships or a port in a storm when it blows up. Leah is a dear friend and
I wouldn’t think of ending a friendship over this. However, I would contem-
plate locking her up and throwing away the key if she does this again.
T
stl now
36 ALIVE STL APRIL 2011 alivemag.com