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What is 'normal' anyway?
- 1. What is ‘normal’ anyway?
- 2. What is ‘normal’ anyway? 11.8K 192 19.3K 5,840 Craig Abbott @abbott567 Interaction Designer at @DWPDigital. Lover of cats and code. David Attenborough is my hero. #Vegan Newcastle upon Tyne
- 3. “I just want to be normal” @abbott567
- 4. I have depression and anxiety issues… so right now, I’m anxious as hell! @abbott567
- 5. I rarely talk about these issues @abbott567
- 6. “Cheer up mate.” “What do you have to be down about?” “Things can’t be that bad!” @abbott567
- 7. I’ve always had a need to fit in @abbott567
- 8. @abbott567 I’ve changed my identity repeatedly
- 13. @abbott567 I chose the wrong career
- 14. My first place of work was not a safe place, I was bullied every day for almost a decade. @abbott567
- 15. I experienced burnout for almost 3 years because I didn’t want to let anybody down @abbott567
- 16. @abbott567 The ‘party capital’. The home of Geordie Shore.
- 17. I hated clubbing, it made me anxious but I didn’t want to be ‘boring’ @abbott567
- 19. Getting wasted helped me escape. I’d just get my brain too messed-up to think about anything. @abbott567
- 20. I’d find ways to numb what I was feeling, rather than actually feeling it. @abbott567
- 21. I became selfish, angry and unapproachable @abbott567
- 22. Boys are conditioned to ignore their feelings. And so anger became the only way I could express anything. @abbott567
- 23. This behaviour made me hate myself @abbott567
- 24. My entire life had been doing stuff because of fear and guilt, with zero support. @abbott567
- 25. @abbott567 I was always seeking validation from others
- 26. @abbott567 I over analyse everything. I always see how things could have been better. How I should have been better.
- 27. @abbott567 Creative people are far more likely to dwell on the detail.
- 28. Attention to detail is the difference between painting a picture and a masterpiece. But it’s also the reason why we ruminate. @abbott567
- 29. In this industry, it is rare for you to come up with anything on your own @abbott567
- 30. Imposter syndrome An inability to internalise ones accomplishments. A persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud. @abbott567
- 31. At the age of 31, I realised I have no idea who I am. @abbott567
- 32. Surround yourself with positive, like-minded people. @abbott567
- 33. DWP is the first job I’ve had where I feel truly supported. Where I’m encouraged to be individual and to challenge the status quo. @abbott567
- 34. “An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” - Goi Nasu. @abbott567
- 35. @abbott567 Stop overworking. You’re good enough.
- 36. Overworking is a fallacy. It’s not sustainable. @abbott567
- 37. We’re so obsessed with managing our time, that we forget to take time to just be. @abbott567
- 38. You’re unique, like everyone else. @abbott567
- 39. If you don’t think you’ve progressed as a person, go back 5 years on one of your social media profiles… Then cringe. @abbott567
- 40. @abbott567
- 41. @abbott567
- 42. Discover what makes you happy @abbott567
- 43. @abbott567
- 44. Don’t suffer in silence @abbott567
- 45. @abbott567
- 46. Don’t conform. Be true to yourself. @abbott567
- 47. @abbott567 We’re all a bit broken. But broken crayons still colour the same.
- 48. KTHXBAI Twitter: @abbott567 Email: craig@craigabbott.co.uk North East Counselling Services: https://www.necounselling.org.uk Blog post: http://www.craigabbott.co.uk/what-is-normal-anyway 5 year journal: http://abtt.co/5-year-journal
Editor's Notes
- Hi, I’m Craig. I’m an interaction designer at the Department for Work and Pensions. I'd like to talk about being ‘normal’.
- Have you ever thought this? Maybe even said it out loud? I know I have
- There, I’ve said it. Feels kinda weird saying it in front of a room full of strangers. - I’ll try my hardest not to have a panic attack, but it’s pretty much what I feel like doing right now.
- for fear of ridicule that I won’t be taken seriously maybe I’ll be branded ‘dramatic’
- Also, because of this. Who’s heard these sorts of things? If you’ve never had depression, it can be difficult to understand. You cant just will yourself to be happy
- A lot of my anxieties stem from here. I’ve always wanted to fit in. Who doesn’t? Nobody wants to be an outsider.
- Growing up, I had no real sense of self. Like a chameleon I just changed to fit in.
- I had emo friends, so thats what I became.
- I had skater friends who dressed like eminem, so I became that too.
- Then the arctic monkeys came around and everyone grew their hair so i did that too
- Then I started working at a protein company, so I hit the gym. I’ve also had a chav phase, and a few others.
- Initially, I chose the wrong career I became a bus mechanic. It’s a ‘proper lad’ industry. There’s no place for a sensitive lad there. This didn’t help my identity crisis.
- I didn’t fit in. As much as I tried, my boss didn’t like me. I’d dread going to work. You were never told if you did a good job, just if you did a bad one. You were punished for taking time off if you were unwell. And over time it stripped me of any self confidence i had.
- My first job in digital was a start up called Protein Card. I experienced burnout for almost 3 years because I didn’t want to let anybody down As one of only two developers, the entire website was on my shoulders I was one of the people with any technical know how, so I’d often be the designer, the front-end dev, the web ops guy, the IT support guy. Everything. And if anything went wrong it was my fault. Its a big burden to carry.
- Throughout all this, I lived here. And what do we do in Newcastle? We get smashed! You ‘get on it’… apparently So, when you have a need to fit in, and you’re easily influenced, you do exactly that.
- I hated it I hated the crowds. Drunk people put me on edge. They’re unpredictable and often unreasonable.
- Because I hated clubbing, I started to suffer from hyper-vigilance, it’s the inability to switch off. I was always analysing everything. On edge all the time. Escape routes, possible threats. Weapons. Bouncers. It’s exhausting. I just didn’t want to be there.
- This is the hardest part to admit I’d just get wasted. Drink, drugs, whatever stopped me from having to actually experience my own life.
- It was a way to cope with my feelings rather than actually feeling them. Anxiety could be numbed. Hurt could be numbed. Sadness could be numbed. I’d always find something to mask it, rather than deal with my feelings.
- It made me a closed book. A pressure cooker. Full of rage and self loathing. I’d push anyone away who cared about me. I didn’t know how to deal with anything I was feeling.
- ‘Get on with it.’ ‘Don’t cry.’ ‘Be a man.’ ‘Man up.’ Boys are always told not to express their feelings. In fact, worse than that, they’re told not to even feel these feelings. But it has to come out, and in my case it came out as anger.
- I mean, it was kinda cool to hate myself when I was being all Emo. But all jokes aside, it sucks. Nobody wants to spend their life hurting themselves and others, then just getting wasted to deal with it.
- But I’m slowly realising I was conditioned over a long period, to feel how I felt. Always too afraid to stand up and do what i wanted to do. Always too guilty to give anything less than 150%. And when I couldn’t deal with it, my support was being told ‘Boys don’t cry’.
- I always needed people to like me. I always had to be the best, or the hardest working. With women, I’d masquerade as this perfect guy. I’d do anything to make them believe I was. But nobody is perfect. All my relationships failed because I was a fraud, and rather than be found out I’d leave before they figured it out. Then i’d do it all over again.
- I reflect back on it a lot now. My brain does this. I wish I could have not hurt all those people. I wish I could have not been so angry. I wish I could have been strong enough to have my own identity. I wish, I wish, I wish…
- I think this common in creative people. We think about stuff a lot more. I don’t mean we are smarter. We just pay more attention to detail.
- Because we pay attention to detail, we’re over analytical of ourselves. Of our work. Of our lives. We ruminate. We go over things over and over and over.
- It’s quite easy to feel like you’ve been carried by the team That you’re not really doing the work and that the ideas weren't your own.
- I talk about this a lot with my counsellor. I self deprecate… a lot. I attribute any success to other people, or a fluke. I constantly feel like i’ll be found out, exposed as a fraud
- So, at the age of 31 I’ve realised I have no idea who I actually am. If the confidence wasn’t crushed out of me. Who could I have been? I sat in the car and cried my eyes out at this realisation. But it’s actually a blessing, because now the journey is becoming the person I always wanted to be.
- This is really important. It might mean you have to quit your job. But at least come to that realisation sooner rather than later. Make a plan to get out, and do it, before you end up like me.
- Support in the community. Support from your managers. Support for personal development. if you think it’s something you want to do, talk to Gavin Elliott after the event as we’re hiring real soon.
- This is easier said than done, but it’s true in the sense that you’re in control of your own feelings. You just have to try and recognise them for what they are.
- You can only give 150% for so long. Then your productivity dips. You might feel like you’re doing 150%, working 12 hours shifts every day But just because you’re in the office doesn’t mean you’re being efficient. You’re probably giving less than 80% because you’re exhausted.
- We’re all trying to do too much all of the time. When was the last time you just took a walk, or lay and looked at the stars? When was the last time you were looking up instead of down at a screen?
- Recognise that you’re different. From others. From who you used to be. And thats ok.
- Theres a really cute little book you can get off amazon. It’s about £15. It’s a 5 year journal.
- It just asks you 1 different thing every day, for a full year. And over 5 years you can see how much you changed on 365 different topics. I've got one here to give away to the first person that tweets me a picture of a cat. because cats cheer me up.
- it sounds easy, but a lot of the time society tries to tell us what will make us happy. Society tells us: getting married, kids, money, a summer holiday, bars and clubs. But everyone is different.
- I find i’m most happy when I’m helping people. Whether its writing blog posts, doing stupid youtube tutorials or talking at events. If it helps one person, it was worth doing.
- This is really important. I bottled everything up for years and it just made me destructive. Talk to your friends, your family. Talk to me if you think it will help!
- I go here every Wednesday, and I talk to a guy called Paul. He’s awesome. He helps me to actually recognise what I’m feeling, and that helps me to understand it a bit better. I’ve still got a long way to go, but I feel like I’m making progress.
- This is super important. If you don't like clubbing, don't go. Wear what you want, do what you want, and don’t get too hung up on ‘being normal’
- And remember, we’re all a bit broken, but broken crayons still colour the same.
- Any questions?