The time traveler's pocket guide

The Time Traveler’s
Pocket Guide
By K. Sekelsky
With additional expertise from: M. Bennardo,
Jeff Huber and Sanjay Kulkarni

The Time Travel Bureau Johnstown, PA

© 2011 K. Sekelsky
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
All content by K. Sekelsky except:
Preface (pp. 9-15) and So You’ve Accidentally Revealed Secrets
About the Future (pp. 86-87) by M. Bennardo
Profiles in Time Travel (pp. 32-35, 64-67, 78-80) by
Jeff Huber
A Brief Introduction to the Intersection of Time Travel and
Romance (pp. 70-75) by Sanjay Kulkarni
Book design, cover design and interior illustrations
by K. Sekelsky
No part of this book may be reproduced without written
permission from the author, except in the context of reviews.
First Edition, September 2011
ISBN 978-0-615-51820-6
Published by K. Sekelsky / The Time Travel Bureau
Johnstown, PA
timetravelbureau.com

Table of Contents
Preface

9

The Rules

17

Preparing for Time Travel

22

Profiles in Time Travel—
Gordon Ratchford

32

General Time
Travel Knowledge

36

Short Term Time Travel

54

Profiles in Time
Travel—Gizmo

64

Long Term Time Travel

68

Profiles in Time Travel—
Levi Strauss

78

When Trouble Arises...

82

Afterword

93

preface
Preface to the Original Edition
Time travel is a difficult thing to write about. I mean—it’s a
difficult thing to write about well. We all know that there are
shelves full of time travel guides available at any reasonable
bookstore, written with all sorts of particular time travelers in
mind—the budding beginner, the business traveler, the longterm resident, the academic researcher, the honeymooner, the
disaster tourist.
But they are dreadful. Every single one of them is
dreadful.
The truth is that there has never been one really good
book written about time travel—one single “time traveler’s Bible” that can be packed away with the shaving kit, the
sunblock and the emergency false muttonchops, and which
would serve for every situation from the weekend jaunt to
the grand historical tour.
This is where the prefaces of most books would say
“until now.”

PREFACE

That is not what the preface of this book is going to
say. Instead, it is going to say, “This book is not that book either. In fact, that book will never exist. This book is merely a
fairly useful, halfway decent substitute. But that’s just what
you’ll have to accept.”
This is where most readers would shut this book and leave
in huff, resolved to find a book with higher aspirations or—
failing that—to write one themselves.
You are, of course, free to do that. But I may save you a lot
of trouble by telling you that the Time Travel Bureau executives have already scoured all of history from one end to the
other, and haven’t found anything better than this book. As
I said, time travel is a difficult thing to write about well, and
apparently nobody else has ever succeeded or will ever succeed in producing anything better than this fairly useful,
halfway decent substitute for a guide.
So you may as well settle for this one. Best of luck in your
time travels!

T.W. Winners
President of the Time Travel Bureau

PREFACE TO THE REVISED SECOND EDITION
In the preface to the original edition of this book, I explained
that it was quite certain that no better book on the subject of

PREFACE

time travel would ever appear anytime in history. This being
the case, some explanation may be needed for why we are issuing a revised edition now.
In short: If the book cannot be improved, why revise it?
And the answer, also in short: Money.
But this is not a case of greed. It is a case of fighting for
one’s financial life against lawless pirates—for no sooner had
the first edition appeared in print, then copies of it were taken forward in time to a point where the copyright had expired. With the ink still wet on the pages, thousands upon
thousands of cheap facsimile copies were made by these disreputable literary time pirates, and were then brought back
through time and sold cheaply everywhere.
The result was that by the time our book went on sale, everyone already had a pirated copy of it. I suspect this may explain why nobody has ever or will ever bother to write a better book than this one—there is just no money in it.
But since the publisher reasonably wants to recoup the expenses of the first edition, I’ve been asked to bring forth this
Revised Second Edition. Therefore, much of the content has
been changed. But, upon reviewing the proofs, I am forced
to admit that this book is really no better than the Original
Edition. I knew it must be so when I started, and now I find
that it is so.
This revised edition is still “fairly useful” and “halfway decent,” and for those reasons I recommend it to anybody who
does not yet have the first edition in one of its many illegiti-

PREFACE

mate versions. At the request of the publisher, I also ask that
you look particularly in this volume to ensure that it has been
legitimately published by the Time Travel Bureau, and is not
a pirated facsimile from the future.
Once again, best of luck in your time travels.

T.W. Winners

PREFACE TO THE NEWLY REVISED THIRD EDITION
I have put off writing this preface for so long that I am actually standing in the press room with the typesetter, who has
dragged me here from my office to fill in this blank page at
the front of this volume.
I am at a loss for what to say. The reason for this revision
is the same as last time, and I expect this edition to be about
as successful. For some reason, the publisher hardly seems to
realize that bringing out more editions of this book is simply
throwing good money after bad.
I suppose the Revised Second Edition did sell slightly better than the Original Edition. Then again, I’ve heard
that it is something of a gag gift in certain eras. This is what
is known as “kitsch,” I’m told, and is apparently a source of
much hilarity in some circles.

PREFACE

Once again, the third edition—pardon me, the Newly
Revised Third Edition—is different from the first two, but
not actually better. Each of the revisions have taken a year’s
labor—labor performed, I might add, almost entirely by
me. For the original edition, I had many enthusiastic helpers. This has not been so the past two years.
There is something Sisyphean to this ordeal. It is a strange
experience to be tasked with continually revising a book that
I know was imperfect to begin with, but which cannot be
improved in any way. I hardly know how to explain what it
does to man’s soul.
But the typesetter tells me we have filled the wanted page.
Once again, best of luck, etc.

T.W. Winners

PREFACE TO THE AUTHORITATIVE FOURTH EDITION
I have almost been looking forward to this Authoritative
Fourth Edition, simply for the opportunity of correcting the
impression which I fear the preface to the Newly Revised
Third Edition may have given.
That preface, you will recall, was written at the elbow of
the typesetter after being dragged into the press room moments before the book was printed. It was the product of an

PREFACE

exhausted mind, and there was necessarily never an opportunity to change the wording or soften the tone.
I am happy to report that I have taken a vacation and
have come to see a certain silver lining to what looks to be
a predicament that may last the rest of my life. Even if this
work of constant revision is not particularly rewarding or
stimulating, it is at least steady and not too difficult. The
stress I felt while compiling the Newly Revised Third Edition came, I believe, largely from two years of failed attempts
to somehow make the book better.
I am not trying to do that anymore.
Instead, I have happily settled down to a life of revising
this guide once a year while trying not to make it noticeably
worse than it already is. To that end, I have before me the list
of guiding principles that the Time Travel Bureau drafted
those years ago when we first set about this work, and which
I have striven to uphold. They are:
Do not make the book confusing: We all know that time
travel works. There is no more sense in explaining how it
works in a book like this than there is in explaining how an
airplane works in a guidebook about Sweden.
Do not make the book impractical: Keep the sections short
and clear so they can be referred to by the time traveler on
the “go.” Where possible, include practical instructions.

PREFACE

Do not make the book boring: No single book can possibly cover every contingency or every detail of all history, nor
would anybody want to read such a book. Stick to the basics,
or the interesting sidelines.
Do not make the book terrifying: There is little to be gained
by dwelling on fatal paradoxes which will erase the callous
time traveler from existence. The kinds of sensible, cautious
people who would naturally avoid such things even without warnings will just be scared off ever trying time travel. Meanwhile, the other kind of people will shortly become
a non-issue.
Best of luck in your continued time travels, and I hope to
write to you again next year!

T.W. Winners

PREFACE

April 20, 1889. Come on guys. Stop trying to kill baby Hitler. He’s a BABY.

The Rules
Disclaimer
The rules you will read in this chapter are in accordance with
the Intertemporal Congress on Time Travel, 6612 A.D. It is
important to note that in your travels, you may come across
time travelers from earlier years who have not yet adopted these rules. Although the other travelers’ rules may seem
primitive, unnecessary or completely silly to you, it is important to be understanding and not try to change the natural
development of the Official Time Travel Rules and Guidelines. That is to say, even if you come across the cunning
Caltech students who first forayed into the field of time travel, you should not try to dissuade them from abandoning the
dean’s hovercar on Pangaea.

The Rules

Rules and Guidelines
Whether you’re hopping in your first time machine or you’ve
been around the space-time continuum a few times, it’s always good to review the rules for time travel. The following
few pages contain some of the most common and general
rules. They are not all written into law, but most could potentially cause unpleasant paradoxes and universe-collapsing
situations.

Do Not
Start a religion: It is unfortunate that this rule always needs
to be listed first, but it does. Please stop doing this. Even if
you are not executed by your (sensible) doubters, you’re just
going to end up causing wars.
Convince native persons that you are a deity in their existing
religion: It seems the above rule was not specific enough.
Conceive children with people from other eras: The ensuing
custody battles are simply not worth dealing with.
Publicly proclaim that you’re a time traveler: At least not in
the past. People will think you are crazy. And even if you’re

The Rules

believed, you will no doubt be tortured into revealing future
secrets.
Travel when sick with a contagious illness: Unless you’re
traveling to a year that has a cure.
Transport animals to a time when they are extinct or before
they existed: It does not matter if they’re fixed or if you only
take one.
Kill people: Really, you shouldn’t kill anyone ever. But it’s especially important when you’re time traveling.
Especially babies: Yes, this includes Baby Hitler. Many simulations of this scenario have been
run and in every one, Mr. and
Mrs. Hitler have another son—
Dieter Hitler—who is way worse.
Stop crimes from being
committed: While most people
Baby Hitler. Do not kill.
like to think of themselves as heroes, this tends to cause time travel
traffic jams and extreme confusion within legal systems.
Attempt to correct history textbooks and academic articles from the past: We all know that time is full of historical
documentation that is factually incorrect. The Earth-is-bal-

The Rules

anced-on-a-turtle’s-back theory, the War of 2760 was won
by the robots, etc. But humanity must correct these errors in
perception in its own time.
Become famous: Being famous in your own home era is fine,
but try to avoid making a name for yourself in the past or future. If you do this by accident, at least try to keep from doing so in a second era. We all know what happened when the
world found out that Ron Jeremy and Balzac are the same
person.

Do
Obey the laws of the era you’re in as well as the laws of your
original location: When laws are contradictory, use your best
judgment and do whatever makes you less of a jerk.
Collect souvenirs from other eras: Souvenirs must, of course,
not be obtained by any illegal means.*
Educate yourself on the eras you will be traveling to: Things
such as clothing style, food availability, unfamiliar laws and
societal prejudices are all important to know ahead of time.

* Please note that while you are able to transport alcohol through time, it will not instantly “age”
when you take it to the future. The same applies to the aging of cheese and the yellowing of
quaint ephemera.

The Rules

Things you Should Not take with you from other eras
Humans native to the era: Yep, this also includes Baby Hitler. You may think you can take him to another era and,
with your expert parenting skills, turn him into a productive
member of society. This is not going to happen. And in baby
Adolf ’s absence, Mr. and Mrs. Hitler are just going to create
another Dieter.
Fine art: The question of whether or not any given object is
“art” is subjective, of course. A rule of thumb for determining
whether or not you are carrying fine art is to ask, “Did the
person creating this know they were making art?” and if so,
do not transport it.*
Inarguably unique items: There is a reason the world’s 329
Hope Diamonds just aren’t worth what they used to be.
Anything stolen: Hopefully this is common sense, just as it
is in your own era. But please note that this includes “trades”
where you exchange a cheap or worthless commodity from
the future to a more primitive civilization.
Large sums of money: Temporally misplaced money crashes economies. If you can’t spend all your cash in the era in
which it belongs, please exchange it at the nearest Intertemporal Bank branch for Universal Trading Commodities (see
p. 22).
* You are free to take Duchamp’s urinal, but only before he signs it.

The Rules

Preparing for Time Travel
Essentials Kit Checklist
There are many unexpected dangers of time travel. Even if
you believe you have prepared for every last thing, odds are,
you’re still forgetting some peril or another.
Fortunately, we have prepared a list of items that should
prove useful to any time traveler in a sticky situation, no matter what year you’re visiting or how much time travel experience you have.
Class 3 time travel device for emergency escapes
(see p. 25)
A small supply of a Universal Trading Commodity
(as defined by Time Travel Ordinance 1304.10*) for
gifts, bribes, etc.
* Time Travel Ordinance 1304.10 defines a Universal Trading Commodity as “any commodity which is in constant demand and is approved for distribution in all time periods.” Current
approved UTCs include beer, sugar, really good Belgian chocolate and those tiny origami frogs
that hop when you press down on them.

PREPARING FOR TIME TRAVEL

Mobile device with intertemporal Internet access
Space Army knife
Snacks
Radiationscreen*
Robot mace
Guide book to local flora/fauna/tribal customs
(available at $9.99 each at your local Time Travel
Bureau chapter)
Paradox detector †
Flotation device
Clean underwear
Spork

* Radiationscreen protects you from time travel radiation, which is not deadly, but will give you
enough of a glow to get you thrown out of movie theaters and laser light shows.
† The Time Travel Bureau recommends a Paracanary. This robotic bird will sense an oncoming
paradox and poof out of existence several minutes before you do. It also plays mp3s.


Purchasing Your Time Machine
Types of Time Machines
Naturally, one of the first considerations in your first time
travel journey should be the type of time machine you will
use. While time travelers on a budget may have limited options, you no longer have to be a descendant of Richard
Branson Clones IV through XIII to take part in recreational
time travel. Below, you will find a list of devices available to
the modern traveler. Even if you are able to afford a top-ofthe-line machine, it is important to be familiar with all classes of time machine, in case you find yourself stranded in a
more primitive era where options are limited.
Class 1 Time Machine: The 4-D machine. This will transport you not only in time, but will also teleport you to any
geographic point on Earth.
Class 2 Time Machine: The 1-D machine. This will transport
you in time, but will materialize in the exact physical point
on Earth from which you left. If any object, building or organism is in the way, you will be moved to the nearest available empty space. Probably.


Class 3 Time Machine: The wearable time machine. These
machines only transport the wearer and do not allow for any
sort of luggage. This includes clothing. They are also one-useonly devices. Given these limits and the fact that appearing
naked in public is a faux pas in most civilizations, Class 3 devices are typically purchased and worn as back-ups for emergency situations. In a pinch, Class 3 devices can also be used
as hand warmers.

How to Avoid Time Machine Salesman Scams
As with any major purchase, you must always be aware of
scams. Odds are, if you’ve never received a visit from your future self, warning you not to buy a particular time machine,
you’re probably not going to run into any issues. However,
you should still familiarize yourself with the various scams
that you could face as a time machine customer.
Here are some tips to help you along:
Always inspect a new purchase on the inside and outside:
Does it have an odd feeling—perhaps as though someone
is still inside? Even though you cannot see them? Be careful! The previous owner may be trapped between dimensions, just waiting to harvest your body for his or her own
consciousness.


Be sure to have a used machine inspected by an expert before
purchase: A malfunctioning machine could not only mean
being stuck in an undesirable year, but it could also mean a
brutal dismemberment, leaving your extremities spread out
throughout time and space.
Look up the serial number before you buy a used machine:
You can then find out its history, including past mishaps,
mis-targeted travels and number of paradoxes it’s caused. If
you find that the machine you’re interested in has, for example, a faulty latch that caused the immediate and horrific
deaths of its previous owners, you should at least be able to
get a discount.
Watch out for a salesman going by the name of Cyrus McFeeney, Time Travelin’ Salesman:* He is a notorious scam
artist, known to be active in many eras. Often what he sells
to you as a “time machine” is actually just a box. He hires improv troops to put on performances of other eras when you
exit the box, trying to convince you that you have traveled in
time. But you have not.

* Mr. McFeeney has also been known to go by the names: Chip Dipson, Dip Dobson, Vince
Offer, Tipsy J. Corncob and That Question Mark Guy.


Making your time machine blend in
Time machines have a habit of sticking out like a cybernetic thumb when not in their home era, so please reference the
chart below to figure out what type of disguise will best suit
your needs.
Era

Recommended Disguise

Prehistoric

No disguise needed. No humans.

Hunter-gatherer
societies

Cover in plants and leaves.

Agricultural
societies

Cover in uncultivable plants
and leaves.

Industrial
societies

Cover in pipes and gears.

Post-modern
societies

Disguise as post-modern art.

Post-invention
of time travel

No disguise needed. Everyone
knows about time travel.


Time Sickness
It is not uncommon to experience time sickness when time
traveling. Some people are immune to this, while others experience intense feelings of vertigo and déjà vu. There have
been some reported cases of repressed memories and premonitions of one’s own life flashing through one’s consciousness.
In one case, a time traveler found himself with his greatgrandfather’s memories. But the man later turned out to be
his own great-grandfather, so that was only to be expected.
In order to cope with time sickness, try one or more of the
following methods until the symptoms subside:

Pick a song, poem or movie scene
that you have memorized and
recite it out loud.


Sit with your head between
your knees.

Sit with your head between
someone else’s knees.

Inhale the vapor of temporal
smelling salts. If unavailable, a
good whiff of Four Loko will
also work.


Chart of Modern Conveniences by Century
Before you time travel, you will want to know what kind of
situation you are getting yourself into. Will there be public
restrooms? Internet? Public transit? Coffee?
The following chart lists the eras in which each amenity
was first readily available to the public. Remember that situations may be different from country to country, and you may
want to do further research if unsure of something.
Convenience

Century when First Common

Humans
(Homo sapiens)

1931st Century BC

Beer

31st Century BC

Coffee

15th Century

Public libraries

17th Century

Indoor plumbing

19th Century


Passenger Trains

19th Century

Electricity

20th Century

Automobiles

20th Century

Telephones

20th Century

Showers

20th Century

Internet

20th Century

Jetpacks

22nd Century

Artificial intelligence

24th Century

Cure for all
major diseases

23rd Century

Affordable cure for all
major diseases

30th Century

Public time travel kiosks

31st Century


Profiles in Time Travel:
Gordon Ratchford
Are Things Going OK with Margaret?
Hey man, is everything OK? You sure?
You guys seemed a little edgy out there.
Listen, you know Veronica and I think
the world of you and Margaret, right? We
just want to make sure that everything’s all
right. If there’s something on your mind, I
want you to say it. Seriously. C’mon man, I
mean it. Ever since our days at Sigma Chi, you’ve been like a
brother to me, and I want you to know that I’m here for you.
So let’s have a conversation: Just you, me and the mahogany
walls of my rumpus room.
I know what you need: a beer. I just brewed this great India Pale Ale that can be a little hoppy for some palates, but I
think you’ll dig it. Just got to make sure to tip the glass here.
Perfect. It can be tricky pouring out of a tap, you know?
What did I tell you? Good right? Good. So what’s going on? I’ve never seen you and Margaret fight like that. No,
no, no. No need to apologize. Veronica and I can buy an-

Profiles in Time Travel: Gordon Ratchford

other game of Scattergories and it’s easy to clean blood out
of the carpet. What’s important is that everything’s all right
between you two. Veronica and I, and the rest of the couples
for that matter, are worried that things might be a little—I
guess—tense right now.
Oh. She heard about Veronica’s birthday gift. I was worried it was—yeah, it was a little tough for me to travel back
in time and grab a copy of the school newspaper that declared her victory as first-grade class president. But that’s
love, you know? Veronica may be a Supreme Court justice,
but she’s still my wife and she deserves a thoughtful gift.
Didn’t your wife celebrate a birthday recently? What did you
get her?
I see. No, earrings can be nice. Where did you go? Tiffa—oh. They don’t have a Kay Jewelers at the mall we go to
but I’m sure they’re nice. Besides, all hope isn’t lost. I mean,
Christmas is just around the corner and you can totally blow
her away there. I’m telling you man, take a short trip in your
time machine back to some moment of significance for Margaret, grab a trinket, frame it, and bam! You’ll be back in
marital bliss. Now, can you think of a particular moment in
time?
C’mon man, don’t cry. Here, take one of these. Feel better?
Really? The tissues at your place don’t have lotion on them?
No, I agree. It’s a nice touch. But listen, there’s no reason to
cry just because you can’t come up with a gift for Margaret.
Let’s think.


Hmm. She talks a lot about Wilfred, her childhood beagle. Oh yeah. All the time. Maybe you could grab the beagle’s
collar shortly after it passed away. I think that would be nice.
Or, hey, what about the time she played Daisy Mae in her senior class’s production of Li’l Abner? You never heard that?
Well, she totally did and you could totally go back in time
and tape her performance. And if none of those ideas work,
there’s this restaurant that used to be on Marietta Avenue
that made this Reuben sandwich Margaret loved. Oh yeah,
man, she went there all the time! Every Tuesday and Thursday she would order a Reuben on marble rye with turkey,
coleslaw and a dash of Lieutenant Bacon’s Hickory Barbeque
Sauce. I’m serious, man. It’s Margaret’s favorite.
Look, I know I made it look easy just now by rattling off
these ideas, but it’s not, man. I mean, the only reason I was
able to come up with them is because Margaret and I spend
so much time together when my wife’s held up in court and
you’re away on your business trips selling carpet samples.
Remember when you came home a day early and found my
Louis Vuitton gym bag on your floor and a sweaty Margaret
about to jump into the shower? She and I had just been to a
cardio class—at that one gym that sadly doesn’t exist anymore—and while we were there I learned a lot of cool things
about her. And I learned even more cool things about her
that night when she came over to return my bag and her car
unfortunately broke down inside my gated driveway.


So spend time with her, man. Get to know her a little better and I’m sure you’ll be able to think up the perfect gift.
Are you feeling better? Good, I’m glad to hear it. Oh no,
no, no. No need to thank me for the ideas. Just promise me
that you’ll find Margaret a Christmas gift that shows her
what a special woman she truly is. And when you go back
out into the living room, tell her how much you like the
manicure she got today and lightly brush the backs of your
fingers up against her neck. She’ll like that.
Gordon Ratchford works as an investment banker in Stamford, Connecticut. He is hidden as speed dial #4 on your wife’s cell phone.


General Time Travel Knowledge
The time travelers’ secret handshake
There often comes a time where you may find yourself wondering whether someone you see in your travels is also a time
traveler. She may have some telltale signs. She may be wearing a monocle that is clearly from the 4960s and you’re both
in 1999. But then again, she may have recently mugged a
time traveler from 4965. In these kinds of circumstances, if
you wish to identify the potential fellow time traveler, it is
best to initiate the official Time Travelers’ Secret Handshake.*
Follow the instructions carefully, as in certain cultures,
the handshake closely resembles the secret handshake of the
World Society of Voluntary Cannibal Victims.

* Try to start a conversation with the person first, rather than immediately grabbing their hand.


1. Standard Handshake

2. Thumb War (play until a
clear winner is determined)

3. Wayne’s World Dream
Sequence (saying “doodlydo” is optional)

4. Fist Bump

5. One Up, One Down

6. Jazz Hands, While
Shouting “TIME!”

Types of Time travelers you may encounter
Time hitchhiker
There are two subgroups of time hitchhikers. Some are from
modern or future eras and ran into trouble while abroad,
leaving them stranded and trying to find their way back to a
year with time travel. These folks will typically know the time
travelers’ secret handshake (see p. 36), and it’s generally safe
to give them a lift if necessary.
On the other hand, there are the cheaters. The primitive
people from before the invention of time travel who have
hitched a ride with a traveler from their future. Cheaters are
typically not trying to get home; just trying to get dropped
off at another destination—preferably one with flush toilets
and the old Netflix pricing.
It is highly advised that you do not give a ride to the latter
group. As you know, you are not supposed to transport living
beings, and this is especially true of cheaters. Giving a ride to
time travel cheaters will not only greatly increase your chances of creating a paradox, but the persistent questions they ask
about how the future plays out make them rather unpleasant
time trip passengers.


Time Traveling Student
A time traveling student is typically a precocious youth who
has a habit of asking far too many questions, such as “What
year do you come from?,” “Are there robots there?” and
“What is the legal drinking age there?”
The student may either be on a field trip or part of a time
exchange program. Students on a field trip will be in a large
group, accompanied by stressed out adults. Time exchange
students are individual children or teens who have been sent
to live with a family from another year. The family they are
staying with is typically another family of time travelers who
fully understand the situation. However, some students are
part of “troubled teen” programs, where adolescents with behavioral problems are sent to either a pioneer farm or historical military recruit training camp for a summer. However, you will not see these youths, as they will be busy working
the fields or dropping and giving someone twenty.


Business traveler
The business time traveler is always on the go, rushing from
meeting to meeting, from century to century. Likely keeping offices in multiple years, they are loaded down with gadgets and devices from many eras. It is not uncommon to see
a business traveler with the latest cell phone models from
each year from 1998 to 2112, along with a cellular implant
for later years.
Unless you are a part of the time travel business world,
your interactions with the business traveler will probably be
rare.
However, if you are ever in need of extra cash, the business traveler is always looking for a assistants and interns to
run errands in different years. While time travel makes most
office tasks much easier, the lack of intertemporal fax machines means there will always be some running around
to do.


First-time time traveler
This person may have been on trips with their parents or
schools before, but they are in charge of their own trip for
the first time.
The first-time time traveler has many things in common
with the stereotypical “tourist” type: too much luggage, lots
of rubbernecking, constantly snapping photos of iconic landmarks, clearly unknowledgeable about local customs, etc.
However, the time travel aspect adds a few new distinctions to the tourist. The first-time time traveler will often
have a confused sense of the cultural timeline and will be
sporting multiple historical inaccuracies. Things that fall in
this category include: items from mismatched eras, items
purchased without prior research and modern day items that
are not hidden well—or at all.
Feel free to interact with first-time time travelers, even if
they are a bit shaky on the secret handshake. They will typically be friendly and in need of your advice.
Remember, you may well have been like them once. If
you purchased this book before your first time travel trip, you
may still be this person!*

* And if you are, please take off that hat. You’re being obvious.


Disaster Tourist
Whether they’re sadists, history buffs or horror movie fans
taking their interest to the extreme, disaster tourists can be
seen observing the carnage of history’s greatest tragedies. Because intervening on disasters and attempting to save anyone
or anything is considered to be dangerous (for both ones own
health and the stability of the space-time continuum), these
travelers enjoy being able to watch a metaphorical or literal
train wreck without a sense of guilt.
Some disaster tourists have specialized interests, such as
floods, meteorite crashes or yeti rampages. Others have a
nearly ravenous desire to visit any sort of wreckage. The former group is usually friendly, if a bit obsessive. And while
studies have not conclusively shown that the latter group is
any more likely to exhibit destrustive and dangerous behaviour than the average person, they still tend to be that creepy
guy at the party.
It is quite easy to identify a disaster tourist. You will see
them exclusively at momentous disasters, watching from a
safe distance or right in the middle of things, time traveling
away at the last safe moment. They will be the ones showing little, if any, emotion in response to the wreckage they
are witnessing. They will also typically be sporting insensitive
souvenirs from other disasters.


meeting yourself
When traveling to the near past or the near future, you may
happen upon yourself. If you are meeting a younger you, you
should already remember the encounter and know what to
say. Should you meet an older you, let him or her take the
lead. They remember this from the first time.
There is always the possibility that you will not recognize
an older version of yourself. So if someone introduces himself
or herself to you as yourself, it is best to always trust them,
EVEN IF THE PERSON IS THE WRONG GENDER,
AGE, ETHNICITY, HEIGHT, ETC. However, if you wish
to be absolutely sure, create a password that only you know.
Don’t write it down anywhere. Don’t ever say it out loud.
And if someone comes up to you, claiming to be you, ask
him or her for this password. Even if you mentally create the
password at the exact moment you are meeting yourself, the
future you should remember it.

Meeting Yourself On Purpose
The above should adequately prepare you for accidental
meetings with yourself. But you may be asking yourself: is
there any reason I’d want to meet myself? The answer to this


question is usually “NO!” However, there are a few situations
in which this may be beneficial to you. Some of these rare
but beneficial circumstances include:
Medical warnings: Part of the reason that humans live longer in modern times is medical advances. But being able to
go back and tell yourself to get that growth checked out certainly doesn’t hurt.
Retirement planning: In most situations, it’s best to let yourself make mistakes. You learn and grow because of them.
However, you don’t learn much from suddenly finding yourself broke at age 70 and forced to work as a greeter at iMart.
Go ahead and convince your twentysomething self to set up
a 401k.*
High fives: How many times have you done something awesome that 12 year-old you would be proud of? Want to go
back and high five him or her? Do it!

Also of Note
It is important not to kill your future or past self. Depending
on the situation, this can bring about any number of negative
consequences, including disappearance, amnesia, murder-suicide charges and voided life insurance.
* Advice involving stock tips, however, is known as timesider trading and is illegal.


Making out with
celebrities
...before they’re famous.

Who hasn’t taken a look at a hottie on the nanoscreen and
wanted to claim, “Yeah, I’ve Frenched that”? But, let’s face it.
Celebrities don’t want to make out with you. They want to
make out with other celebrities or the occasional escort. But
of course, that’s only now that they’re famous. If you select
your celeb crushes carefully, making out with them is not all
that complicated. You just have to attempt to do so before
they get famous.
Here are some tips to give you the ultimate
bragging rights:
Choose a celebrity who was not famous as a child: That is,
don’t try to make out with children.
You don’t just have to choose from current celebrities: You
can also make out with past or future stars.
Don’t try to trick the target of your advances: Don’t try to
work your way into their social circles and woo them. You’re
not looking for romance here. You’re looking for make outs.
So your best bet is to be honest. Approach your selected ce-

lebrity and simply say, “You’re famous in the future. Let’s
make out now.”* They’ll be flattered, even if they’ve heard it
before, and bam! You’re making out.
Of course, certain celebrities-both past and future-will
make out with anyone at any time. So if you don’t mind waiting in line a bit and finding a way past bodyguards and velvet ropes, you can join the thousands of time travelers (and
people from the celebrity’s own era) who can claim to have
locked lips with the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, Cleopatra,
Colin Farrell, Tom Jones, Ke$ha and Robot Tom Jones.

* This line can also be used on any random person you meet, but it’s not a very nice thing to do.

Bad reasons to use time travel
There are obviously many reasons to time travel. What was
first available only to scientists, historians and the wealthy
quickly became a tool with many practical and recreational uses for everyone. However, some uses were soon revealed
to be horrible ideas. The Time Travel Bureau has compiled
a non-exhaustive list of ill-conceived reasons for time travel.
While none of the following are necessarily illegal, they are
all considered to be poor decisions by pretty much everyone.
Avoiding unpleasant situations: Excusing yourself during
your aunt’s vacation slideshow to return to the moment at a
later time may sound like a good idea. But let’s face it. You’re
going to put these things off as long as possible, and before
you know it, you’re 60 years old and have weeks worth of
slides to get back to.
Avoiding debts: Depending on the exact situation, this one
may actually be illegal, but no matter what your situation,
please keep in mind that intertemporal debt collection agencies are notoriously persistent and intrusive. You think you
have it bad now? Wait until they’ve got a plan in place to
prevent your great-grandparents from ever getting together.


Skipping ahead in relationships: If on a first date, do not try
to skip ahead a few years to find out if your date is the one,
and also do not try to skip ahead a few hours to see if your
date will put out that night. Remember that classic episode
of Robofeld? That is also what happens IN REAL LIFE.
Being two places at once: This is another thing you should
have learned from sitcoms. While time traveling certainly
makes this easier, it’s nearly impossible to not mess something up. And even if you pull it off without a hitch, someone
is going to see signed in at both locations on foursquare.
Showing a past version of yourself what your future life is
like: No matter how awesome your future life is, your past
self is going to fixate on some seemingly minor imperfection,
and you’ll return to the future to find you’ve developed debilitating insecurities about your off-center cellular implant.
Cheating on homework: While it’s true that a large amount
of academia involves theses and studies based in the distant
past and future, if you are taking a history exam, and the professor has asked you, “What country was briefly ruled by an
evolved species of gibbon in 2112?,”* it is not appropriate to
excuse yourself to use the restroom and travel to 2112.

* Luxembourg


High Traffic Events
If you’ve ever witnessed the birth of Christ or the first airing
of the M*A*S*H series finale, you know that certain points
in time are quite popular as time tourist destinations. Especially with the recent increase in “repeat travelers,” it has
become necessary to compile a list of High Traffic Events
where crowds of time travelers have become unwieldy. Before
visiting any of the following events, you must obtain a permit
from your local chapter of the Time Travel Bureau.
Founding of Atlantis
Buddha’s enlightenment
The birth of Christ
Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius
Lipton Presents: The Boston Tea Party
Signing of the Declaration of Independence


London’s World’s Fair 1851
Sinking of the Titanic
MLK’s “I Have a Dream” Speech
Woodstock 1969
M*A*S*H series finale
MIT’s Time Traveler Convention
All Steve Jobs keynote speeches
IBM’s Watson supercomputer beating Ken Jennings
at Jeopardy!*
The Singularity
Woodstock 2969
Superbowl CIII
Third Execution of Czar Robotikov
The Inaugural Intertemporal Olympics
Heat Death of the Universe†
* Mostly popular with robot travelers and robot sympathizers.
† This is a particularly fragile destination, as the arrival of time travelers invariably adds stray energy to the system, making the event less impressive for future visitors.


past and future Holidays and observances
Holidays are always a fun time to travel to, whether it’s to a
Victorian Christmas or one of the first Czar Robotikov Remembrance Days, but not all observances are so long-lasting. Here are a few now defunct or future holidays that many
travelers have enjoyed visiting.
Lupercalia: A pre-Roman pagan festival celebrating health
and fertility. Features naked men running through the
streets and the sacrificing of goats and dogs. All-in-all, not
too different than your typical 31st Century Tuesday night.
Hocktide: A Medieval post-Easter observance where taxes,
tolls, rents and debts were traditionally collected. The savvy traveler can make loans to Medieval individuals and then
skip to Hocktide to reclaim their debt plus interest.
Groundhog Day: Not an exciting event in and of itself,
Groundhog Day is mostly of note in context. Well into the
21st Century, citizens of the United States allowed a rodent
to forecast their weather. One can visit a place called Gob-


bler’s Knob* to see the creature (a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil) determine what sort of weather the next six
weeks will hold. Certain time travelers like to ironically repeat the day over and over again.
All Meme’s Day: This costumed event has its start in the
22nd Century. People celebrate their favorite cultural meme
from current times or past years.† Similar to the Halloween
tradition of trick-or-treating, younger celebrants go door-todoor “cheezburgering.”
April Fool’s Day: Honestly, no one is sure why this holiday
faded into obscurity over the years. The day is dedicated to
practical (and often quite impractical) jokes.‡ Being a time
traveler, the possibilities here are endless.
Android Pride Week: A 29th Century celebration of all aspects of android culture. Participants in the festivities need
not actually be androids, though all are encouraged to dress
like an android. Throughout the week, there are parades, parties, picnics and—at night—recharging parties where plugs
and adapters are shared with shocking familiarity.§

* Seriously.
† Visitors are advised to beware of rickrolling.
‡ Visitors are advised to beware of rickrolling.
§ Non-androids should avoid recharging parties.


Traveling With Children
Just as you would with any trip, you must be extra careful
when traveling with children. Certain locations are unsafe or
inappropriate for youngsters.
A general rule of thumb is that if you would not take your
child to a location in present day, you should also not take
them to the equivalent location in the past. That it is to say,
no matter what Uncle Carl used to tell you, a Wild West
brothel should not be considered an educational experience.
Also bad ideas: dinosaurs and pirates.

Suggested Time Trips for Kids
The time periods your child may enjoy depend on what type
of child you have. This can be a tricky thing to predict. However, the Time Travel Bureau recently commissioned a study
to determine which types of children best liked which eras.*
The results are displayed on the next several pages.
* The study consisted of five children identified as the best examples of various dispositions being transported to different eras and having their reactions to the experience measured by a
Pollyanna-Oscar Enjoyment Indicator. No children were harmed during the experiment, though
they sure did complain a lot.


Child type: Spoiled Brat
Era/location

Enjoyment level

Prehistoric

0%

Ancient Egypt
Wild West

70%
11%

Victorian England

100%

1950s America
2410s Antarctica
5700s Underground
Biodome

53%
9%
21%

Quotes from the child
On the prehistoric era: “Why won’t my cell work? Where are
the bathrooms? Why is everything so dirty? I’m telling my
mother you brought me here and she’s not going to be very
happy about this.”
On ancient Egypt: “Well at least there’s pretty things here.
Now buy me one of those pharaoh hats NOW.”
On Victorian England: “This is very pretty. I like this. Everything smells, but I like this.”


Child type: annoying know-it-all
Era/location

Enjoyment level
87%

Prehistoric
Ancient Egypt
Wild West

82%
8%

Victorian England
1950s America
2410s Antarctica
5700s Underground
Biodome

95%
27%
92%
100%

On Ancient Egypt: “Oh! That’s the Great Sphinx! Oh! Over
there! That’s the Nile! Oh look! That must be a Jewish slave!
Do you think he knows Moses? I bet he knows Moses.”
On the Wild West: “I understand that this is culturally significant, but ugh. It’s all so boorish!”
On the Biodome: “I’ve been researching this place forever!
Did you know that there are 189 species of birds in here?
And 712 species of plants? I bet you didn’t know that!”


Child type: Sniveling Whiner
Era/location

Enjoyment level

Prehistoric

0%

Ancient Egypt

0%

Wild West

0%

Victorian England

0%

1950s America

0%

2410s Antarctica

0%

5700s Underground
Biodome

70%

100%

21%

On the Wild West: “I don’t like it here. It’s too hot. And
dusty. And it smells like cow dung. Please take me home
now.”
On 1950s America: “I don’t like it here. I don’t like rock and
roll. Why aren’t TVs in color? Please take me home now.”
On 2410s Antarctica: “I don’t like it here. It’s too cold. Why
would anyone ever come here? Pleeeeeeeease take me home
now?”


Child type: vicious bully
Era/location

Enjoyment level
87%

Prehistoric
Ancient Egypt

30%

Wild West
Victorian England

100%
8%

1950s America

92%

2410s Antarctica

19%

5700s Underground
Biodome

2%

On the prehistoric era: “Dinosaurs are totally badass. Look at
those guys! All stomping and hunting. Hunting and stomping. And then there’s that flying one. All swooping and hunting. I like this place.”
On 1950s America: “These greaser dudes have it figured out.
I wonder if they’d hook me up with some cigarettes.”
5700s Underground Biodome: “Only thing this place is good
for is finding nerds to punch.”


Child type: Goody-Goody Suck-up*
Era/location

Enjoyment level

Prehistoric

100%

Ancient Egypt

100%

Wild West

100%

Victorian England

100%

1950s America

100%

2410s Antarctica

100%

5700s Underground
Biodome

100%

On the prehistoric era: “I love it so much! It is very educational and fun! Thank you for taking me here!”
On Ancient Egypt: “I love it so much! It is very educational
and fun! Thank you for taking me here!”
On 2410s Antarctica: “I love it so much! It is very educational and fun! Thank you for taking me here!”
* We believe this child may have found a way to cheat the Pollyanna-Oscar
Enjoyment Indicator.


Gizmo
Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good Gerbils?
A calm, peaceful tranquility has descended
upon the pet store as the clock strikes midnight. Dogs whimper softly in their sleep.
Aquarium filters hum peacefully. And I,
nestled under the harsh yet soothing wood
shavings of this world that has become my
cage, sit contemplating the events of a life
shrouded in pain and regret.
I remember Gidget, my one true love, plucked from this
cage like so many before her. I think of the way the lamplight
shined off her fur. I recall her cute fits of epilepsy. I smile at
the thought of those whiskers that went on for days. She had
a nose that never stopped twitching.
I caught a glimpse of her this morning with my mind’s
eye. We ran through the tunnels like we did in our carefree
days. I chasing her and her always one step ahead of me; the
thrill and excitement of a hunt never-ending. All leading to
that joyous moment, that climax of passion, when she final-

Profiles in Time Travel: Gizmo

ly slowed down and, for four glorious seconds, I heard her
screech with delight.
Gidget was soon with children, my children, and when
she told me the news I knew what I had to do. I pledged my
heart and soul to Gidget. I found us a nice home next to the
apple-core dish. A position became available at the Spinning
Wheel. I applied. Our new life was coming together.
And then—Oh cruel fate!—those hands. Those hands
that reached down from above, blinding my eyes with a metal plate on which the name Cathy had been inscribed. Those
hands that tore my pregnant wife—my one true love—away,
leaving me and my shattered dreams behind; teaching me
what it feels like to be, at once, both alive and dead. How I
cursed those hands! How I scorned their existence! Until,
irony of ironies, I began to worship them. For you see, those
pernicious hands offered hope. Hope that I too might be
snatched up and one day reunited with my Gidget.
So I prayed for those hands. I sang praises to those hands.
I sought advice from fellow Cathy hand worshippers, or
Catholics as they are called. Through them I learned of the
Catholic patron saints, those recognized by Cathy as venerable and just; patrons who stood at the right hand of Cathy as
she exercised her will upon our world.
By showing deference to those whom Cathy had chosen,
I learned that one could escape to a land of great joy. And
I believed, because I saw it to be so. There was Bosco, who
prayed to Yuks, the patron saint of court jesters. Every morn-


ing Bosco would recite the verse “The only thing lower than
our king’s approval rating is our fief ’s mortality rate” until
one day a man dressed in a funny-looking hat with bells appeared next to Cathy and whisked Bosco away. There was
Tubbs, who honored Soused, the patron saint of Prohibitionera bootleggers, and carried a flask-shaped relic with him
wherever he went. He too was visited, this time by a shiftyeyed man smoking a cigar. And of course there was Bandit; Bandit who made a locket containing a picture of Unit
462-A, the patron saint of robotic glaucoma. I am a witness
to the automaton that stood beside Cathy as her hands lifted
Bandit up from this world into the next.
I too paid tribute to the patron saints, but to no avail.
Only once did those hands deign to raise me up from my
caged existence, and no sooner had I been lifted up than I
came crashing back down, the sounds of “Ew! Daddy, I said
I wanted a hamster” ringing through my ears. But even that
taunt was not as cruel as the harsh realization that was thrust
upon me as I watched my friends leave, the realization that
anyone could have saved me from this wretched existence—a
medieval comedian, a Jazz Age crook, a visually impaired
robot—but no one did. It’s one thing to be rejected by your
contemporaries. But to know that all of humanity, everyone
who ever existed, has passed you over? That’s enough to make
any gerbil question his worth.
“Oh, but come now,” I have heard them say. “Surely this
rodent is prone to melodrama. Is this not but a quarter-


life crisis?” Indeed, it is not. For I have seen things over the
course of my 12-month existence that few gerbils will ever
experience over the course of their lifetimes. But if you think
I speak out of turn, go converse with an elderly gerbil and
you will find that they are plagued by the very same questions that now plague me: Is this the life to which we have
all been relegated? Living from pellet to pellet? Putting in a
hard day at the Spinning Wheel but getting nowhere?
I pray to Cathy it’s not.
Gizmo is the author of several best-selling books on Catholicism including
“Digging with a Purpose” and “Are You There Cathy? It’s Me, Gizmo.” He is
a gerbil.


Long Term Time Travel
Working in other eras
Consult the chart on the following page if you are not sure
whether your career path is suited to relocating in time.

Long Term Time travel

A brief Introduction to the intersection of time
travel and romance
by Sanjay Kulkarni
They say the heart is a lonely hunter. I like
the sound of that, so it is probably true.
But one thing they do not say is that the
heart is a lonely time traveler. And, if you
follow my advice, it doesn’t have to be. I
am a time travel relationship expert.
Those close to me might protest that
never in the history of knowing me have I ever claimed to be
a relationship expert, nor shown any evidence to that effect.
That’s because I’m not a relationship expert. I’m a time travel
relationship expert. I’m about as much a relationship expert
as Emmett Brown is a travel agent. What I am is someone
that can help you make sure you love, feel loved and successfully fight the crippling loneliness inherent to having this
godlike power you’ve acquired called time travel. Good luck.
First, let’s talk about you. You have the opportunity now
to visit history’s greatest minds, and, though it might take a
bit more research, history’s hottest bodies. You might be feel-


ing a little inferior. Don’t. Sure, you are inferior. But you are
also a smart, attractive, talented time traveler and are a fine
catch. Don’t forget it. You can’t feel real love until you love
yourself. You’ve heard it because it’s true. And even though
you, as a time traveler, have more reason than anyone ever to
know you are nothing special (in this way, you are special),
you should love yourself anyway. Even with all these better
people. Love is not a competition. Love is not a battlefield.
You can’t just believe something like that simply because
you’ve heard it before.
Okay, so loving yourself is great and all, but you are eventually going to want to get more people in on that action. So,
where do you get them? Or, more importantly, when? Your
options, of course, are staggering, but I’m going to break
them down into three categories: people from the past, people from the future, and, though it is quaint, people from the
present.
If you are looking for impressive sexual conquests, the past
is pretty much the best place to go. The past is where people
that people have heard of are from. Sex up Emily Dickinson.
Seduce Gregor Mendel. Bone mitochondrial Eve and then
you have the trump card when anyone tries to allege sexual
relations with anyone’s mother. In one move, you will have
boned everyone’s super-great grandmother.
But what if you actually want to have a genuine connection with someone? The past isn’t a great place to look. For
three reasons. One, obviously, the further you go back in the


past, the more likely it is you bone your super-great grandmother. Gross. Gross and also maybe you’ll cause some
time paradoxes. Two, getting over cultural differences with
the past is going to be really hard. How many years can you
even go back without everyone being racist? Not many. How
many years can you go back before it’s when time travelers
were burned for witchcraft? Maybe five? And three, diseases.
Do you know how many shots you have to get just to visit a
foreign country? The past is overrun with diseases that you
will be susceptible to. Love means close contact, and close
contact means disease transmission. And what diseases are
you bringing with you, back to the past? Time travel is an epidemiological nightmare already, don’t complicate things further by shacking up with someone.
Now if you are going to travel to the past, you very well
might fall for someone there anyway. I don’t recommend it.
But hopefully keeping in mind the potential pitfalls will help
you avoid them. I just hope what you have with your diseaseriddled, racist grandparent is worth it.
How good, then, is romance in the future? It depends a
lot on what kind of future you show up in. There’s a lot of
different kinds of futures so let’s quickly run through the best
approach to each of them:
Everything is awesome: Sweet. You have hoverboards and
universal translators and we’ve cured all diseases. Everyone
is awesome. You might feel a little inadequate around these


superhumans, but that’s why we had the talk about loving
yourself. With flying cars and light speed space travel, the
biggest challenge is going to be convincing your partner that
you love them for them, not for their time period.
Earth is ruined: Humanity, if there is any left, is in shambles.
Sure, you could see if that boy who said you’d have to be the
last person on earth for him to get with you is still alive, but
honestly, you can do better. Next.
Earth is ruined and it is your fault: No time for love. Fix it.
Robots/aliens/cats have taken over: It really depends on how
much you like robots/aliens/cats. If that’s your thing, I say go
for it.
That’s the future. You might be thinking that the future should have all the same issues as the past. After all, our
present is the future’s past. Shouldn’t you be worried that you
are going to create a time paradox or introduce a new disease
that totally ruins everything? Probably! Be honest about being from the past. You may be fine about creating time paradoxes that ruin the future since you don’t live there, but some
people do, and it’s not really cool to make them unwitting
accomplices to undoing their reality.
And, of course, the last place to find people to date is the
present. There are about seven billion people alive right now
so you have plenty to choose from. You might be thinking “I


could date in the present BEFORE I became a time traveler.
Why would I want to do it now?” Simple answer. Being able
to time travel means every date you have is awesome now
forever.
Of course, you could do a whole bunch of research on
your date by traveling to their past and future and finding out
all their hopes and dreams. I’m not even talking about that.
Too much effort. Think about it:
Say you find out your date really likes monster trucks. Go
back in time and plagiarize The Beatles.
Say she is really into vampire literature. Go watch
dinosaurs.
Say her favorite singer was Janis Joplin. Go eat future
food on Mars.
You might be thinking that the dates you plan didn’t have
anything to do with your date’s interests. Exactly! Time traveling and being a time traveler are so cool that it basically
doesn’t matter what you do. And you might also be thinking “hey, it’s not so important what we do on a date. What is
important is that we have a good time in each others’ company.” Baloney. That’s true for regular dating. But honestly, no
matter how good someone’s company is, it’s not as good as
dinosaurs.
Having someone from the present around is great, because you can let your guard down. You don’t have to keep
technologies secret from each other. You can talk about the
endings of your favorite books and movies without feeling


bad about spoiling them. You don’t have to constantly worry
about how you two are related. There’s a lot of anxiety about
dating people from other time periods that just doesn’t exist
when you are both from the same time.
Time travel is really special, and you should want to share
it. And a person from the present is perfect for that. They
have the same world view. They want to visit similar historical figures and undo the same historical disasters. They are
amazed by the same future developments. As they say, there’s
no time like the present.
Where, you might be asking, does one find people to date
in the present? Well, don’t ask me.
I’m no relationship expert.


Narnia syndrome
After traveling for an extended period, many people return
to the same point from which they left. While coming home
is typically a positive experience, it is usually very hard to
pick up right where you left off. You will not remember many
things that you had left behind, and you will likely have developed and changed as a person. Meanwhile, those you return to will have only experienced a mere moment or two.
Trying to relate to someone who has not done any lengthy
time traveling is difficult. Plus, you’re now a few years (or
more!) older.
The feelings of disillusionment brought upon travelers in
this situation are commonly known as Narnia Syndrome. In
most cases, the symptoms fade once a traveler has remained
in their origin year for a while, usually a few months. However, some severe cases have resulted in travelers finding
themselves with a pathological need to travel, and leave their
origin year and not return.
If you feel yourself experiencing severe symptoms of Narnia Syndrome, get in touch with your local Time Travel Bureau chapter for a referral to a certified time travel therapist
or support group.


T i m e

t r a v e l

B

I

Time
traveling
hitchhiker

Yourself
in
another
year

Beatles
concert

Ed
Sullivan
show, live
broadcast

New
Coke

Pangaea

Elevator
operator

The
Singularity

Wagon
train

Ozymandias
statue,
intact

New York New York
at
at
population population
9,000
2 billion
Caveman
Greatgreatgreatgrandma

N G o

Halley’s
Time
Traveling Comet, in Pompeii,
3 different
Hitchintact
years
Hiker

FREE

Animal
that
doesn’t
exist yet

21st
Century
flash mob

An Ice
Age

Animal
NonErecting of
that’s now ironic pipe
Stonehenge
extinct
smoker

Berlin
Wall

Greatgreatgreatgrandson

Bring your completed card (only one straight line needed) with photographic proof of your
BINGO to your local Time Travel Bureau and get a coupon for a free Frosty.

Levi Strauss
Intellectual Property Rights, Time Travel & You
Let’s get one thing straight right off the
bat: I invented blue jeans. You did not.
With that out of the way, let’s focus on
the task at hand. You’re an inventor. And
while you’ll never invent something so
brilliant that it revolutionizes the way that
we look at casual dress, your contribution
to society is still somewhat important.
Some of you are writers, synthesizing words in a way that
makes us think for a second before we see something shiny
and forget all that has just been communicated to us. Some
of you are college students who’ve learned how to fashion
a bong in such way that it is both functional and unnoticeable to your RA. And some of you are parents who brought
life into this world in the hopes that your progeny’s existence
would rectify all inequality. This was, of course, until you
looked into your child’s crib while they were sleeping and realized that they were a manifestation of all your disappoint-

Profiles in Time Travel: Levi Strauss

ment and heartache, condemned to a life of tumult and pain
that not even you yourself were smart enough to escape.
The point is: You’re an inventor. And although you’ll never
invent something as important as blue jeans, which combines
awesome durability with unbelievable comfort, you deserve
to have your ideas protected. But in this day and age of time
travel, it can be difficult.
We all know the story: With the invention of time travel,
suddenly every idea, no matter how much it paled in significance to blue jeans, became susceptible to theft from a C-list
Hollywood celebrity trying to maintain relevancy in the public consciousness. (Which reminds me, who is currently credited with inventing the cotton gin? Is it Ally Sheedy or the
runner-up of Survivor: Burkina Faso? Nevermind. I’ll just
look it up on my Microsoft iPad later.)
Yet, even in this period of great change, somehow everyone still knows that I invented blue jeans. How have I been
able to do this? While I can’t give you all of my secrets, I can
give you a few pointers.
1. Maintain a public presence: Last weekend I judged a
chili cook-off in Wilmington, Delaware. Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, why would the inventor of a garment that’s so mind-bogglingly terrific it makes my backside
look great, even when I don’t work out, subject himself to an
event so beneath him? Easy. Society is like a stubborn mule
and you, as an inventor, are a horsefly. Sometimes you need


to buzz around the mule’s ears every once in a while to let it
know that you exist. Does this tactic work? The last time I
checked, the Belk in Wilmington carried over five different
styles of Levi’s jeans. Coincidence? I think not.
2. Intimidation is key: Let’s say I owned a collection of firearms so large and destructive that not even God himself
would pick a fight with me. Would you try to steal my ideas?
I think not. By the way, I’m not saying I own that many guns.
I’m just saying.
3. Diversify: This is the age of moguls. You can’t just sit back
on your one invention and expect to profit from that forever.
Why do you think I founded the LevIce Cream franchise?
Keep inventing things and pretty soon you’ll be able to crosspromote. I mean, it just makes sense to sell ice cream and
slim-fit jeans together.
The important thing to remember is, don’t get frustrated.
True, you’ll probably never invent something so great that it
looks trendy with or without tears. But your tiny contribution to society is still somewhat important. So follow these
simple tips and you will be well on your way to inventing a
staple of the fashion world.
Oh, and did I mention that I invented blue jeans?
Levi Strauss is the founder of blue-jeans manufacturer Levi Strauss & Co.
He once ate a hot dog that had fallen under the bleachers of a baseball stadium for attention.


ten Things that Every
Time Traveler Should DO
1. Meet your grandparents when they were first dating (but
don’t reveal who you are).
2. View a lunar eclipse with a group of people who don’t yet
know that the Earth is round.
3. Watch a famous piece of art being created.
4. Do something nice for yourself as a child.
5. Eat a banana before 1960.*
6. Fly to the Moon.
7. See a famous musician perform before they were famous.†
8. Backpack through Pangaea.
9. Pet a (non-dangerous, non-poisonous) extinct animal.
10. Master a dead language.
* The most common variety of banana before 1960 was the Gros Michel, which went extinct
around that time.
† This does not allow you to claim that you were “into them before they were big.”

What to do When You don’t know when you are
If, by some technical mishap or human error, you find
yourself unaware of what year you are in, follow the chart
on the next page to find out with minimum hassle
and suspicion.


Sending messages in time
Let’s say you want to write a letter home (or to any other
year that you are not in), but you don’t want to go through
all the hassle of traveling just to deliver a letter or postcard.
And leaving messages in safety deposit boxes and bus lockers
for centuries is always risky. But you can easily send messages
both forward and backward in time by writing your message
on a piece of paper and folding it into an origami hypercube!
After completing the hypercube, simply think about the date
and location it should be delivered to, and it will poof out of
existence in your current year and reappear at its destination.

Cut-out disguises
Naturally, the best method of blending in when abroad is to
obtain actual costumes, accessories, disguises, etc. at your local time travel thrift shop. However, sometimes you will be
caught unprepared and will need something that will work in
a pinch.
The following pages contain cut-out disguises to be used
in case of emergency.* If you use up all the disguises in this
book and would like to get more without purchasing another
copy of this book, contact your local chapter of the Time
Travel Bureau.

* Obviously, these disguises are made out of paper. Paper that will be taped or glued onto your
person. They are not going to be very convincing to typical humans. However, they work wonderfully on most robots, animals and a great deal of people before the invention of glasses.


(Character for “Human”)

(Muttonchops)

In case of Death
No one likes to think about the possibility of dying on a trip.
But of course it can happen. In many unique and horrifying
ways. But everyone’s seen the gory parts of Flux Capacitors
of Destruction in time machine piloting class. There’s no need
to go into the many ways in which one can die while time
traveling.
The important thing is to make the proper arrangements.
This is not a part of the Official Time Travel Rules and
Guidelines, but it is a part of law in most countries.
Before time traveling for the first time, one must fill out
a Traveling Will, including the ID number of your implanted microchip and what you wish to be done with your body
and assets if you are determined to have died while traveling.
Upon death, a government team will retrieve your remains
(if any) and follow whatever rules have been set forth in the
will.
Failure to fill out this document will result in the government finding a younger version of yourself and making you
fill out an exhausting amount of paperwork—invariably on a
beautiful summer day.


Afterword
Congratulations. You are now adaquately prepared to begin
or continue your travels in time. Don’t feel like you’re adaquately prepared? Don’t worry! No one does. But combine
the advice contained in this book with a modicum of human
(or cyborg, android, etc.) instinct and common sense, and
voilà! You’re now ready to seize the space-time continuum
without (much) fear of breaking it.
If you should come across something important in your
travels that was not included in this book, feel free to suggest
it to the Time Travel Bureau. However, as this is the authoritative edition, it contains all future edits and suggestions, so
if it doesn’t already appear in the book, it’s probably not that
important.
May your travels be safe, enjoyable and timely!

Afterword

Thanks
To Matt for reading and replying to many, many emails with
the subject line “Time Travel Stuff!” in the past year (and
they’re probably not going to stop anytime soon). To Mom
and Dad for being supportive of their daughter turning out
to be one of those creative types. To Brian and Angela for
giving me a job where I get to design stuff all day and still
want to do more of it when I get home. To Scott for working
for cookies. To Zach for sharpening my ability to tell what’s
funny. To the Taco Club for reading my thoughts. And to
Mel and Kristin for teaching me more about design and
illustration than the entire Internet ever would have.
-Katie

K. Sekelsky is a designer, illustrator and cartoonist from
western Pennsylvania. Her work has been featured in
Cooper-Hewitt’s National Design Triennial and published
in Machine of Death: A Collection of Stories About People Who
Know How They Will Die. You can see more of her work
at ksekelsky.com.
M. Bennardo has been published in Asimov’s Science Fiction
and Strange Horizons, among other markets. He is currently
co-editor of the Machine of Death series at Bearstache
Books. He lives in Cleveland, Ohio, and can be reached
at mbennardo.com.
Jeff Huber performs improv in Washington, D.C. He
also cowrote the short films “A Feline Between Love and
Hate” and “The Adventures of Captain Freedom,” both of
which are available online. Jeff can be reached at
jeff.huber@rocketmail.com.
Sanjay Kulkarni is from Wilmington, Delaware and
studies medicine in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He draws
a comic called Cowbirds in Love which you can read
at cowbirdsinlove.com.

WARNING: Time travel is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

The time traveler's pocket guide

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