Tech addictions come in many forms: social media, video games, Internet, pornography, chat rooms... after talking with addicts for over a year on Reddit, and through personal experience in addiction recovery, I came up with this theory. We all try to "fill a hole," but with unhealthy addictions. This imperfect theory can be a starting point for those who want to cut down, eliminate, or substitute their tech addiction.

1. stop hitting
yourself
the kintsugi
theory of self-
repair
W W W . T A M I N G Y O U R T E C H . C O M

2. DISCLAIMER
I'm not a doctor or therapist. This is an imperfect THEORY borne
from over a year of personal experience, talking with addicts on
Reddit, and research into human-centered design.
This presentation does not constitute or substitute for medical advice.
I make no claims this will solve any illness, condition, or disorder.
Consult someone actually qualified for more qualified information.

3. “The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at
the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.”
— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Every one of us is broken.
But like kintsugi, the Japanese art of restoring chipped or broken ceramics
with gold-based lacquer...
3
...we can transform our weak points into
strong, unique focal points.

4. No matter who or what broke you...
4
“The best revenge is to be unlike
him who performed the injury.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

5. But only when you fuse your pieces
back together with gold lacquer.
5
When you refuse to let them win.
Kintsugi has three steps:
see your broken place
mix your lacquer
fuse your pieces back together

6. Start with seeing your broken place.
6
work?
stress?
withdrawal?
What distress do you try to avoid by going
to a happier world?
Are you trying to avoid...
“Addictions always originate in pain, whether felt openly or
hidden in the unconscious… Far more than a quest for pleasure,
chronic substance use is the addict’s attempt to escape distress.”
— Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts

7. 7
I've identified seven core needs that, when we lack one, can lead to tech
addictions as an "attempt to escape distress." And I'll spare you the science,
because there's a lot of it.
In short, your brain hurts without these needs met, and it tells you to help.
But your chemical-craving brain doesn't always know what's best.
Validation / love
excitement
calm / autonomy
pursuit
identity
beauty / awe
community

8. 8
Excitement
Validation
/ love
pursuit
identity
community
calm /
autonomy
beauty /
awe
kintsugi theory

9. 9
How do you heal? Like a spellcaster, you cast Purge on yourself.
Identify the aching need and fill the hole with its opposite.
You'll see what I mean later, but for now, know that...

10. 10
So let's define
the seven needs.

11. Validation / love
11
1/7

12. 12
Ever heard an addict (especially heroin)
describe their drug as "a warm hug?"
“All you need is love."
— The Beatles
Social media, with its likes and recommendations, often fills this need.
Validation / love can come from posting pictures/videos of yourself,
role-playing an attractive avatar to avoid negative self-image in real life,
even viewing "romantic" softcore porn.
You can also get it from being useful
to a person or group, but that can be
a frantic, self-devouring cycle.
validation / love

13. 13
Love is an action, not a state of mind.
Give to receive.
But not in order to; everyone picks up on that.
Love yourself that you may love others.
It will come back to you in unexpected ways.
Many people have personally experienced this.
But your vice will never love you.
validation / love

14. excitement
14
2/7

15. 15
Boredom is a form of pain.
It may be also a lack of excitement-inducing neurochemicals.
Unpredictability, the opposite of certainty, is exciting. Hence the endless
scroll, the appeal of outrage news, autoplay, and recommended videos.
The need for excitement may be the brain craving more dopamine juice
after being habituated to a regular favorite snack. When it gets thirsty
again, it roars and flails.
Excitement may thus be the most dangerous need.
excitement

16. pursuit
16
3/7
(Johann Baptist Zwecker, Don Quijote, 1854) (source: Wikimedia Commons)

17. 17
“The human being cannot live in a condition of emptiness for
very long: if he is not growing toward something, he does not
merely stagnate; the pent-up potentialities turn into morbidity
and despair, and eventually into destructive activities.”
— Rollo May, Man’s Search for Himself
Want implies lack.
Therefore, we pursue goals less to get things, and more to avoid the pain
of prolonging not having them.
That's even though we don't buy, make, use, do, or want things.
We want the positive emotions they give us.
pursuit

18. 18
Stagnation is pain. We are hard-wired to avoid it.
working out to look / feel better and secure Love
playing Candy Crush at home to Calm down after work-based trauma
posting a lengthy theory to Slideshare because it’s my Identity
And Pursuit can combine with other needs. For instance:
pursuit
(the piece is a lie)

19. Identity
19
4/7

20. 20
“I think, therefore, I am."
— René Descartes
If you were a tree, your identity would be your roots. Without strong roots,
your trunk will bend and distort in strong winds.
identity
“To thine own self be true."
— Polonius, from Hamlet
To that effect, we define ourselves as
what positive group we belong to.
Profession, hobby, race, gender, the
media we consume. Positive, shared
identity imparts yet-unknown strength
against life's challenges.

21. 21
identity
versus an amorphous blob.

22. 22
One typical criterion for diagnosing addiction is a lack of control.
Not recognizing yourself in the mirror after a binge versus an identity that
doesn't do that.
Hence the appeal of affirmations.
And the pain of cognitive dissonance: living a lie.
identity
We create ourselves.
No one and nothing else.

23. calm / autonomy
23
5/7

24. 24
Stress can make us do bad things, though we all need a way to relax—
stress may be the world's #1 killer! But scrolling, tapping, and clicking can
be hypnotic and vampiric.
Our brains crave the numbness of escape to relieve stress.
(homeostasis)
calm / autonomy
As for autonomy?
Your brain desperately craves control when life "buffets your tree."

25. 25
Anecdotal evidence suggests people with very stressful or client-facing
jobs can be overwhelmed by what sociologist Arlie Hochschild calls
“emotional labor.” (A.k.a. smile-mask syndrome or compassion fatigue)
Waitstaff, nurses, customer service, sales... Compared to more task-
oriented roles, these people often have troubles gambling (or insert tech
addiction here) to relieve the numbness of nonautonomous fatigue.
calm / autonomy

26. beauty / awe
26
6/7
(source: Dead Poets Society, © Touchstone Pictures 1989)

27. 27
beauty / awe
“I consider reality to be the thing one need concern oneself about
least of all, for it is, tediously enough, always at hand while more
beautiful and necessary things demand our attention and care.”
— Hermann Hesse, My Life: A Conjectural Biography
nature, art, poetry,
literature, music, God
higher reality; the good,
the true, & the beautiful
timeless beauty, gratitude,
love, light
void-creating consumerism,
meaninglessness, hedonism
tedious, drab, gray
mundanity
ugliness, how your life
sucks, hate, darkness

28. 28
beauty / awe
Ennui?
Apathy?
the hollow listless void created by
work -> TV -> work -> TV,
& by shallow, hedonistic saturation.
Meaningless consumerism.
You know this feeling.

29. community
29
7/7

30. Humans are social animals. Isolation is torture.
And it's agonizing to lack oxytocin, the human bonding chemical.
There's some overlap with Love, but you can meet your Community need
with prosocial activities like conversation (even written but less so),
physical touch, contributing to a group, giving, and empathy.
Prolonged, deep loneliness has been linked to increased risk of heart
attack and stroke, high blood pressure, and a weaker immune system.
30
community
But love and social contact (oxytocin)
reverses this risk.
Loneliness is your heart telling you to help.

31. Some rats caged, isolated.
Some in a friend-filled paradise.
All offered morphine.
31
community
"Rat Park"
"We ran several experiments comparing the drug consumption of rats in
Rat Park with rats in solitary confinement in regular laboratory cages.
In virtually every experiment, the rats in solitary confinement consumed
more drug solution, by every measure we could devise. And not just a
little more. A lot more."
- Bruce Alexander, lead researcher, in his article "Addiction: The View from Rat Park"
on brucekalexander.com

32. extroverts need more Community.
insecure people need more Validation / Love.
artists need more Beauty / Awe.
...and children seem to need more Excitement.
Everyone needs different amounts of each need to be satisfied.
For example,
32
Note

33. So,
33
in which need does your broken place reside?
Once you've got it, you're ready to apply lacquer.

34. In human-centered design, I've found people like to feel...
34
smart
accomplished
in control
attractive / lovable
powerful
enviable
unique
These are your wound lacquers.

35. To counter a wound in Validation / Love...
35
smart
accom-
plished
attractive /
lovable
Gain deep knowledge of something to boost self-esteem. Can
lead to magnetizing love with a person of the same interest.
Love. It comes from within, radiates outward, and pulls
others in. Love is an action. Give to receive.
Do. Accomplishments give self-esteem, confidence, and
opportunity.
(ex: having never dated at 30)
Addiction: "romantic" porn
Thus lacquering with healthy Validation / Love.
WANTS TO FEEL

36. 36
enviable
powerful
accom-
plished
Exercise to release steam, or anything physical. At least then
your body will fatigue faster.
...so in what nonaddictive way can you be enviable?
Set a timer. You're still a winner, even if you play less.
WANTS TO FEEL
To counter a wound in Excitement...
(ex: high intelligence unbefitting menial labor, kept quiet)
Addiction: pwning noobs in Counterstrike
Thus lacquering with healthy Excitement.

37. To counter a wound in Pursuit...
37
in
control
powerful
accom-
plished
Remember things that went right / you can do well.
“To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without
passion is inexcusable.” — Ludwig van Beethoven
Use Tiny Habits (great book!): one tiny, easy step at a time.
Addiction: action video games
(ex: debilitating self-criticism learned from parents)
WANTS TO FEEL
Thus lacquering with healthy Pursuit.

38. 38
enviable
unique
smart
Care less about what others think.
Prove depth and thereby worth, should the identity desired
by the other party be rigid and mediocritizing.
Promote the strength of being yourself in a world of
wannabes and sycophants. Do things anyway.
accom-
plished
Create "talent" through hard work... which means avoiding
burnout and fatigue, because they make your work worse.
To counter a wound in Identity...
Addiction: workaholic
(ex: others dismissing one's talents and dreams)
WANTS TO FEEL

39. 39
in
control
accom-
plished
(varies, but...) Build plans and measures to ensure physical and
mental safety. Breathing exercises.
Practice to strengthen inevitable "bad guys" until you "level up"
and they get weaker, you more effective.
powerful
To counter a wound in Calm / Autonomy...
Addiction: lurking social media
(ex: social anxiety due to past bullying)
WANTS TO FEEL
Thus lacquering with healthy Calm / Autonomy.

40. To counter a wound in Beauty / Awe...
40
unique
smart
Learn to write, draw, or play music. Creative, original
daydreaming passes time in a fun way.
Become a fount of trivia, or gain deep knowledge. Feels good
and prevents you from getting dragged down by other people.
Addiction: binge-watching anime
(ex: being trapped in a nonglamorous, unintelligent job)
WANTS TO FEEL
Thus lacquering with healthy Beauty / Awe.

41. To counter a wound in Community...
41
attractive /
lovable
smart
All of life is a risk. You're going to die anyway. "'Tis better to
have loved and lost..."
Every life we touch, touches others. You know physical
loneliness hurts, and virtual interactions only do so much.
Addiction: Second Life chat
(ex: a nomadic childhood, fear of attachment)
WANTS TO FEEL
Thus lacquering with healthy Community.
in
control
You can't control other people, only how you react to them.

42. Don't just detoxify;
swing back in the other direction.
42
Make your wound your strongest, most beautiful
focal point. Get unique strength from the repair,
and become an example, leader, or ally for others
with similar wounds.
I do this through my blog. My hope is people with the same wound as
me (and there's a lot of us these days) will find my science-backed
articles useful and change before they hurt like I did.
So if this helped you, please share. : )

43. Remember:
43

44. How did your
backstory make
you a superhero?
44

45. more tech addiction tips
@
.com
and free ebooks!