The Awakening

The Awakening
Dedicated to an unnamed love

1
…..There were You and I in Jerusalem.
And there were a lot of ghosts floating around
interfering with things
with their cerebral plasma.
Ghosts from your childhood…ghosts from mine… although mine were
mostly dealt with.
3 years in Alanon
after I recognized myself in the book
“Women who Love too Much”
Bioenergetics
Healing workshops where I was told that…
in my past I was a very powerful witch
and… that I still had great power…to do either
great harm…or great good…and I choose good
and a thesis on Bowen’s Differentiation of Self within the Family …using
my own family as the triangle players
and a working plan to …“de-triangulate” and to gain a differentiated self
that worked …had all contributed to my ability to
“Be Here Now”

2
That and my left handedness and my learning how to switch
almost at will from the left hand side of the brain to the right.
Oh the beautiful right! Where’d I’d lived almost exclusively
from birth until the age of 21…when I started talking.
Before that I’d been a tree…FEELING A SENSE OF ONENESS
FEELING A SENSE OF WHOLENESS because
in the right hand world… time does not exist…There is only NOW.
And words do not exist…but…poetry does…and
music…and…getting from here to there can be…
accomplished…without…moving.
And the senses are so enhanced… The poetry paintings
painted from your eyes and your ears and your tongue
are positives of Van Gogh’s sickness
and no LSD (Life Support Diodes) needed to be on the “Trip”.
And there I was in the NOW embodying what I called
“The Indifferent Joy”, embodying a Joy that could not be effected by an
external event or person.
Then I went to college…and…
had to talk.

3
But this was much later…and
There were You and I in Jerusalem.
You with your ghosts and me with…
my memories of ghosts.
Before the book “Woman who Love Too Much” and Alanon
I’d ruined a perfectly good marriage
by not dealing with my ghosts…by not
knowing or acknowledging that these “ghosts” existed.
I was the casebook woman who tried to love and be married by…
making an exception to the man that I was with…by entrusting him with my heart and…
my life…when I didn’t trust men or like men(with good reason as a child)
in general.
And my husband didn’t help. Doctor Saleh. He tried to be a HERO…the man who…
“Never told a lie”
That WAS hard to live with. It was like living with a cardboard cutout…
who had all of his negative feelings… repressed and ironed out.
Needless to say there was never any conflict in the house and…never
any resolution to those “non-existent” conflicts.

4
Well by the time you walked into The National Diamond Center…and…
OUR EYES MET…as they say…violins madly sawing away
I had re-emerged as a woman who had met head on and dealt with
my frightening alcoholic father, my frightening alcoholic uncles
and my severe…and non-loving grandfather.
I’d come to like and even love men in general
and even…had more men friends than woman.
And then you walked into The National Diamond Center…and…
OUR EYES MET…and I was…so…
utterly… unprepared to meet…
THE MAN WHO LOVED TOO MUCH.
There should have been a road sign posted at the intersection…
where the crash occurred
BE PREPARED TO STOP
…but…there wasn’t.

7
Yes, the eyes say it all…
and there you stood…
your deep and luminous eyes…
shining out at me.
Maybe if I’d of known what was coming
I would have run…but
I didn’t.
Instead I felt an answering smile
welling up from the depths.
Oh, where are these things born from?
And we then proceeded to have a
passionate love affair for the next two years
without it once getting physical…
in spite of my best efforts.
I should have known from that…that
something was very wrong.
Well, that and your numerous stories of all the destructive bitches that you had met
and married anyway…if not over and over again…well, than quite a number of times.
And you just kept staring at me like I was the “Goddess on Earth.”
I mean I was, but …what did you really want?

8
Because of the lack of touching and holding, and to be blunt about it Fucking
my natural healing abilities, my right hand side of the brain side
went berserk with intensified feelings.
I couldn’t hold you?
So what was the answer.
I developed telepathic abilities with you.
I could pass messages to you from 3000 miles away.
I wasn’t allowed to express my love to you?
I probably developed a general Shine Onto the World in general.
A lot of men fell in love with me at this time…
both living and dead.
The more that you loved me…the more that you seemed to shy away..
even turning your eyes away from me at times…
when you told me that even though your current fiancée…
was a bitch…
and 3000 miles away on top of it…refusing to join you in Israel
while you turned around the company…that…
you had been hired to “turnaround”…
No, you(turn your eyes away from me while you say this)
No, you…were going to go home and marry her…and…
that was that!

9
And the more that you loved me…
and you loved me more and more…everyday…
the more you turned your eyes away from me…
so that I couldn’t see in…
and the more you said…
that was that…
You were going to marry her.
I had to perform telepathy to find you.
And you were standing right next to me!

10
There should have been a
road sign posted at the
intersection…
where the crash occurred
BE PREPARED TO STOP
…but…there wasn’t.

11
Then at last SUDDENLY…after
Maximum Torture…or after eating crackers with the Maximum Pleasure…
you left…
YOU WERE GONE.
And I did the unforeseeable.
I flew after you…
like a comet sucked into the gravity of the vortex of your going.
I hadn’t been back in America in fifteen years…
…on purpose.
I’d left America fifteen years back
and stayed away for…fifteen years
for reasons I felt like were…sound.
So I flew to my mother’s…the one that I had been
differentiated from for almost two decades already
and by now… we were very good friends.
I tried to contact you and failed.
Not even the telepathy was functioning.
There was a black curtain pulled over your eyes.
In other words: CURTAINS FOR ME.
In retrospect…What was I the earthbound Goddess doing…taking flight to America to find you, who the
more you love me …the more you cannot stand… to be found.

14
Four years ago I was FULL OF WORDS
FULL OF MUSIC FULL OF RESONATIONS
FULL OF SPIRIT FULL OF FREE
A lot of men were falling in love with me
which I noticed like
a tree notices
the breeze.
It stirred my leaves but…
didn’t really catch
my attention.
I wrote 10 books in 3 years.
Words were pouring out of me.
LIFE WAS POURING INTO ME
THEN I
HAD THE ACCIDENT
and after the accident
I couldn’t sleep
…never again
…so I couldn’t dream.

15
AND THEN
On then on the first anniversary of my mother’s DEATH DAY and on
HIS BIRTHDAY
my husband (small h)
did something so stupid and HURTFUL
that after writing 400 PAGES OF LOVE poems
to him
my voice! my words!
were KILLED.
I never wrote another love poem to him
I never wrote anything at all for the next
4 YEARS
AND I SUFFERED
AND I GOT SICK
AND I DID NOT DREAM
AND I DID NOT SLEEP
AND I SAW IN COLORS THAT WERE NOT COLORS
IN OPAQUE GREYS AND BLACKS
AND
I COULD NOT FIND A REASON WHY I SHOULD KEEP ON LIVING. Period.

16
BUT
ONE THING WAS A small SAVING GRACE
I COULD MAKE AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHS…
IMAGES THAT STUNNED…
POURED OUT OF ME…
TRYING TO CRY OUT… WHAT I
COULDN’T SAY.
THEN
2 months ago.
I found out the cause of my sleeplessness
AND
slept at night for a month
THEN
You answered my request to be my friend on Face book.
The request had been open for a month
when you answered “Yes”
like a BOLT OUT OF THE SKY
as you said on AUGUST 31
NOW, you keep saying that I came back to you on your birthday.
Well, happy Birthday.

17
I’d been feeling the itch and stab of
needing to write again
for about a week…and
IT WAS TIME TO SCRATCH
AND…
…BY YOU I WAS
TAKEN BY SURPRISE
…A SECOND TIME!
OH, GOD DID YOU TURN THE WORDS ON
OH, GOD DID YOU TURN THE WORLD ON
OH, GOD, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU LIKE THAT.
*I FORGOT SOMETHING (See later)
BUT I WROTE!
THE WORDS CANNOT BE STOPPED 

18
I’ll search for you over the deserts

19
What happened? What happened?
So many blows from waves
when you disappeared in a seashell
that makes no sound back to me
when I listen for you

22
And that
I can do so much more if
you are with me

24
Let’s zoom out of a window
together
and orbit earth like
twin star lovers
and watch from above as the
lighted side of the planet darkens

25
and the other side smiles with light

28
My senses are resounding with the echoes
of the sound of the stone
that I threw into the lake
to tell you that I love You

31
I ride my feelings like
I shift a car
smooth real smooth.
I feel the shiftings everywhere
in my head, underneath me
There’s a steel rod
… going straight through me
Just imagine what I could do to you if
I was shifting you

33
Where is our love
going?
You don’t need to
know
Right this minute.
No, you don’t

34
S o ride it a little.
Ride in the stream.
The bigger answers are
In that currant and they won’t
be
So clouded in many thoughts
Like many things are
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIE TO THEMSELVES
"FOR THEIR OWN GOOD"

36
I Finally Come to you
I’ve always come to you and
For you
To come to
Me and take me
Into the wilderness
That has teaching in it
And a flood of
Reaching out to you
And
I’ve always come to you

38
AND
Where are you?
I'm looking at you inside of my head.
I'm drinking you like cool aid.
I'm using you like
Meth.
Where are you?
I’m looking at you inside of my head.
I’m drinking you like cool aid.
I’m using you like
meth.

39
You've intoxicated my intelligence
my senses.
I want to throw myself
off of a cliff,
into the wind of you.
You’ve intoxicated my intelligence
my senses.
I want to throw myself
off of a cliff
into the wind of you

40
Oh God so good to feel you.
I need to feel you all over
I need to drink you like wine.
I need to taste you.
I need to get high off of you.
I need so much from you;
I don't even know where to begin.
Oh God so good to feel you
I need to feel you all over
I need to drink you like wine.
I need to taste you.
I need to get high off of you.
I need so much from you; I don’t even know where
to begin

41
You knew way back when
that there was something
big
inside of me
But it took all these years
to test it, to flay it,
to hone it,
into the fine precision instrument
that it is now

42
And now time will tell
if you will
drop off wings melted
And now time will tell
if you will
drop off
wings melted
and failed
in an attempt
to fly to the heart of a fiery sun
whose center is cool
so cool
But time has already told me
informed me
you ticking under the surface
like a time bomb

43
I am the same person now that I was then
Just without the words
And now that I have the power of words
you see how I can bind you to me
because with the words
I cannot lie
and you can see that
I am as open to you
as a naked baby
is to food and warmth

44
This power...this inner power
does not build up gradually.
It either IS or it ISN’T.
It has to be in a state of NOW
and no other time
NOW is a successive state of images.
NOW is music
written in an instant.
NOW is the poem that bursts
from it's cocoon
and flies off instantly
in FULL FLIGHT.
NOW between a man and a woman
is like nothing else.

45
Let's try to sink
into that hole in the cloud
that leads into
inner space.
Breathe in....and....connect
to your soul...to your shadow
that peeks out
from the half lit hallway
Breathe in....and look
at the stairs
...that lead up there
....where ether off clouds and blonde
hopes....
are drawn in....with each...
breath
... and gamboling on the shelves....
with a light touch of.....honey scented
awareness.
...Breath in....

46
Breath in...
Look up in under ...the hood of your
brain...where...
the switch between the 2 states of... being
look at each other...with longing
of being..one
...one...within ...the other
as the railings align...touching briefly
then sending each...
on its way...
One...to the past...
and the... future
and the second...into
the...NOW

49
I remember your white shirts.
I remember your eyes.
I remember your hat.
I remember the gate opener to
the underground garage.
I remember how you wanted to touch me
but didn’t.
I’m caught by your scent
I’m obsessed by it.
You’ve got me in your net
And I’m higher than a kite.

50
When you come home...
let's stop with the business...until tomorrow
Don’t tell me that you've got a huge erection ...with no
place to put it.
I want to
make you scream in ...ecstasy...
and come with…wild delight...
Think of me standing up over you
and coming all over you
in howling screams

51
Think of me as a small green snake
winding myself up along you
...covering every inch...
as I lick you all over...with a flickering tongue
Think of me as sandalwood scented lotion
sweeping up and over your back
and then...
THINK OF RAIN
HITTING ON YOUR BARE SKIN
WHERE I'VE TIED YOU TO ME
UNDER A HUGE OPEN SKY
WHERE I'M BEGGING YOU TO MOVE IN ME HARDER
WHILE I GENTLY CIRCLE YOUR EYES AND EARS
WITH MY FINGERS
SCENTED WITH
OPIUM

52
YOU'LL SIT CROSS LEGGED
AND I'LL SIT ON YOU
RISING AND FALLING ON YOU LIKE A RUNNING STALLION
WHILE WE BREATHE IN TOGETHER
AND BREATHE OUT TOGETHER
AND WE MERGE INTO ONE RACING SHADOW
BREATHING SLOWLY AND DEEPLY
UNTIL...TIME...STOPS

53
LET'S GO LAY OUT IN THE DARK
WITH WARM WATER AND
A TROPICAL BEACH
I'LL TAKE YOU INTO THE WATER
WHERE YOU'LL FLOAT
MY HAND UNDER YOUR HEAD
GENTLY SUPPORTING AND GUIDING
YOU AS I
SEND A BLUE FLAME
UP ALONG YOUR LEGS
ALONG YOUR SIDES
UP AND OVER YOUR CHEST
AS I CUP AND SHAKE OUT YOUR SHOULDERS
THEN LAY A HAND ON YOUR FORHEAD
AND STOMACH
SIMULTANEOUSLY
AS YOU RELEASE ALL
TENSIONS AND
...RELAX INTO ME

55
Little Bye Bye Goodnight Poem
I’m waiting for one last
touch of you
and then I’ll go to sleep
I’ll get into bed in 8 minutes
at the stroke of midnight
at the 12 clanging strokes of you
You will stay with me until
the clock strikes …midnight
and blue shaded night creatures
like me return to their beds
And so with a sad little shrug
(although I’m not so little…and really not so shy)
I must leave

56
Bye Baby Bye
don’t forget where you put me
in the drawer
And…don’t forget to
sew me back on
And…don’t forget to
gather up all your tickets for
future use with me

57
AND
I can feel your heart
thudding like bird's flight
(caught)
from my soft kisses
I can feel your mouth
trembling at the corners from
the touch of my tongue
I can feel your love
your fingers wound around mine
your dark eyes shining
I can feel the point
when we merged into one soul
and the bright star blinked
You tremble as you
enter me and slow as
you find there your peace
I tremble as you
enter me and weep as
I find in this Joy
The butterfly stands
blue wings aloft in blue draft
flexing into flight
AND

59
The furnace of
the day glows bright with
the wishes and dreams of
yours that did not come to
pass...yet another day
But in through the window of
your soul
comes a little wind(me)
winding the scent of
lavender into your thoughts
nudging your forehead to let go of its load
and into sleep
a deep quiet sleep
that will not count anything...
not money, nor sheep
and a large golden moon
sails over you...
perfect guardian of peace...
your peace, sweetheart.

60
Take a deep breath
…before you drift off
and review your day
in slides
slipping by you in a golden haze
and remember some small happiness
then blow it up with a now happier breath
until it is the biggest balloon
of happiness that you've ever seen.
As you rise up off the ground
holding onto the happiness balloon...
you look down upon
what seemed overwhelming
only a few hours ago...
and it doesn't seem so now

61
AND
Breathe in deeply. Focus.
Bring it up…
the liquid song
from within...
a whirling healing song that comes from within you…
your best… you
a happy you...a…
centered you.
Visualize this...
Blue circles and lines...
separating and converging...
turning on the switch to your...
…calm...mind.
Look at your hands.
Feel the energy...
passing between them...
the heat starting to glow in them.

62
Observe the colored circle behind your third eye.
Observe as it changes from yellow to blue...
…the healing color...
You're ready to transmit.
the healing gift of… love.
Accept your gift and pass it on.

63
AND
Two steps. Two steps.
Go on, take two steps closer
until I can look into your eyes...
until I can look into the ribs of
your heart.
...until I can see your teeth shake.
You bragged that you would buy
my love
by the carloads.
Go on do it. Get close enough
to stick that "Sold!" sign
right over my Gate of Fire.

64
Fresh with wild are you?
Massive in your will to break me
wide open...as I burst over you coming...
so quick and so long
into your hungry hands.
Pretty rosato...
pretty wild strawberry...
you'll moan...as you come too
in spicy bursts
as I spit Chianti from
my mouth...into yours
as you're coming.

65
Come on, get closer...
as I curl my tongue at you...
tease you...pat you on the head...
as I tie a sillky smooth scarf around your neck.
Closer, c’mon...
“Closer my pet...”
I purr ...as I drag you closer yet
Nero d"Avola
what a delicious sin I'll commit upon you
when you've bought me by the carload.
I'll keep you tied to the steering wheel
while I make you come twenty times.
I'll lick up every drop of
your juicy plum laden come

66
...seriously...sensuously.
I'm a wine taster baby.
I'm after the deeper flavors...
hidden in your soul.
I'm going to make you scream.
I'm going to make you scream.
Running my finger spiked with cheap thrills and heavy
love
from your hips, with a detour, down to your heels.
I'm going to make you scream Baby.
I'm going to make you scream!

67
but WAIT A MINUTE!
I’m getting WARNING CHILLS!

69
I am not being hostile.
I am being frightened.
I am frightened about how much I need you.
I am frightened about the fact that I've opened myself up you completely.
I am frightened that I'm holding nothing back.
I am frightened that you still cannot say simply that you love me.
I am frightened that I have to accept that unique way you have of saying
it...without
saying it.
I am frightened that I have to accept whatever you say...because I am so
tied to you.
I am frightened that I am so tied to you.
I am frightened because I feel "tamed" not "claimed"
I am frightened that you don't have the words that you need to tell me
...and that you so often say
"Do you try to understand how I feel? Do you try to understand what I need?"
When that's all I'm left with doing since you can't explain yourself
(or rarely) even when I repeatedly ask.
I am frightened that I have to rely on the wordless spaces to cipher out how
you feel and what you need.
I am frightened because...
before I could look at you and read you from how you looked at me, how you
sat…and how you tilted your head.
I am frightened now because I cannot look into your eyes and read them.
I cannot see how you're tilting your head.
I am frightened because now I need words to understand you...
and words are not really the way that you let me know about you easily.
SO WHOSE WORDS ARE THESE?
I’m getting WARNING CHILLS!

70
I remembered to think my feelings and…
I don’t want to love you.
I don’t want to feel this connected to you.
You’ve never said I love you…
to me.
Yet you kept me tied to you until…
you said goodbye.
Is that what you’re going to do to me …
again?

71
I remembered to think my feelings and
so I had to think, then tell you
I think that I've figured something very valuable out about you sweetheart.
Something that's been there all along. It's the reason that you went to HER, against all reason.
There's something that's very threatening to you about engaging with someone that you really love...about someone who opens in
you all those impossibly deep passionate feelings that you can't deal with. That's got to be the reason that you serially went after all
these destructive women...one after the other. Yes, you knew all along that they were so destructive...but you couldn't help yourself.
These kind of women were what you knew and who ultimately would not be able to get any love from you, I mean after all
they didn't deserve it did they? And me, scary me...with my oceans of love...was never going to win you...never...
no matter what I did or do. I feel sure that this is right.
And I felt better knowing that.
Well that’s what thinking’s for…
to guide you not to get burned on the
stove again.
Now it’s later time (remember the asterisk?) and time to remember.
So maybe there’s no saying it or saving it.
There is no “us”. period. But

72
But
TODAY
AND TODAY
AND TODAY
I AM NOW!
I AM NOW!
I AM NOW!
AND PRAISE JESUS, I’M A JEW!!
The words are sticking with me
like burrs that like my fur.
THEY’RE BUBBLING UP IRREPRESSIBLY
They’re getting tangled up in my breaths that are turning into
laughs!
They’re carousing with me in the kitchen…
They’re caroling me in my sleep.
They’re jetting out like rockets.
They’re making a fanfare…where
there’s no fan and no fair and
LIFE I COULD EAT YOU!
AT LAST I AM AWAKE!!!!!

The Awakening

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