With the help of his manager, Phil Collins gets a big audition. And then pays for it.

1. The Art of ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Pays For It"
By
Gregory D. Aronoff
greg.aronoff@gmail.com

2. EXT. DENVER STREET - DAY
We open and the colors look a tad bit surreal - slightly
desaturated. Almost like a cliche 90’s music video.
Our hero PHILL COLLINS enters. Looking rough & walking slow.
As he moves, animated blips fly up...
SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: Pointing to the dark circles under his
eyes - "Sleep Deprivation Study = $100".
SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: Pointing to gauze taped to his left arm
- "pint of blood = $25".
SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: Pointing to gauze taped to his right arm
- "plasma = $50".
SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: Pointing to a healing busted lip - "self
defense ’attacker’ = $75".
SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: Pointing to a stain on his pants -
"sperm bank deposit = $50".
After a beat, Phill walks so slow he’s passed by some OLDER
BABY BOOMERS, which makes him look up wondering.
We whip-pan Scrubs style and see...
Phill walking slow. Behind him is a classic ROMERO zombie.
He’s followed by a red-jacket wearing THRILLER zombie, who
dances more than walks. Then we see a ’24-DAYS LATER’ zombie
who quickly sprints out of frame. Then - ROB ZOMBIE.
Phill turns and walks toward a house.
But we stay with the zombies as they continue past. Then Rob
Zombie stops the dancing/shuffling Thriller zombie.
ROB ZOMBIE
Dude, you’re embarrassing us. Beat
it. No pun intended.
The Thriller zombie puts his head down and shuffles away.
INT. EARL’S HOUSE - DAY
Phill enters in like a sleep starved Fight Club founder.
EARL (OS)
Phyllis that you? You got my rent?!
Phill stops, looks up and sighs before shuffling out.

3. 2.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME
EARL is wearing a mesh hunting hat, red cut-off flannel and
a double entendre shirt (something like ’liquor in the
front, poker in the rear’).
EARL
(calling out)
Phyllis, I told you what happens if
you’re late!
Earl armed with an over-sized hammer, slams down on a cloth
on the counter. We hear CRACKING & BREAKING.
With a perverse smile, Earl slams the hammer down again.
EARL
You don’t wanna end up like my last
roommate who didn’t pay!
We rack focus to Phill. Phill looks up wondering. And from a
scene straight out of Arrested Development complete with
similar music notes, we hear...
FRIENDLY VOICE (V.O)
Earl’s last roommate Peter G. was
never heard from again.
CUT TO
The CLOSEUP of PETER’s white pasty face with closed dead
eyes. We pull back and see that it’s actually white makeup.
We pull back further to see that Peter is a mime surrounded
by others MIMES in a photo, holding a sign that reads "We
demand to be taken seriously".
FRIENDLY VOICE (V.O)
After years of ridicule from Earl,
Peter started a very strict branch
of the Mime’s Alliance.
BACK TO PRESENT
Earl points the hammer at Phill.
EARL
I know we’re cousins and all...
PHILL
Step cousins.

4. 3.
EARL
Irregardless, I wouldn’t want you
to be homeless - or worse.
Earl looks over (longingly) to the fridge -
INSERT: hanging newspaper clip of the Mime Alliance.
Phill walks over and hands Earl a handful of cash.
Earl counts the money, slams the hammer down.
EARL
You’re short. You got one week.
Phill limps out.
When he’s gone, Earl takes the cloth off revealing crushed
walnuts. We pan over revealing a beautifully prepared
Waldorf salad. Earl gently sprinkles the walnuts on top.
INT. PHILL’S BEDROOM - LATER
Phill walks in and looms large before falling on his bed.
Just as his head slowly bounces on the pillow - RING.
Phill looks around with one eye, finds his ringing phone.
PHILL
*grumble*
JOEY (OS)
Yo, you ready? I just got
certified!
PHILL
(finding just the right spot)
Need... sleep.
JOEY (OS)
You should invite that girl you
like and meet me over here.
PHILL
She’s still dating that douchey
guy... who doesn’t have to sell his
body for rent money.
JOEY (OS)
You should... Yeah, that sucks. I’d
help ya out if I could, but my
money’s all kinda tied up.

5. 4.
INSERT: College Times Newspaper
Under the column titled Alumni is a picture of Joey on the
ground with ten guns trained on him. The title reads "Top
Salesman Audited By IRS".
BACK TO PRESENT
PHILL
That’s alright. My dad always said
if you don’t earn it, you don’t
earn it. Or something. I dunno. I
just need - a chance. Well, I need
money, but I also need a chance
just to show how far I’ve come.
CUT TO
INT. STUDIO/LOFT - DAY
Filled with WOULD BE ACTORS. Then we see the enthusiastic
ACTING TEACHER in a spandex onesy and a vest.
Full of joy and warmth, he leads the class into stretches
and weird faces.
But no matter what the class does, Phill is always one step
behind. His classmates don’t even acknowledge him.
ACTING TEACHER
(stretching with class)
Good!
BACK TO PRESENT
Phill is snoring a little.
JOEY (OS)
Sounds like you’re not ready to do
whatever it takes. See the key...
Phill’s phone beeps & he opens one eye - Tony’s calling.
PHILL
Thanks Gordon Gecko.
Phill pushes the button and takes the other call.
And we hear a GODDAMN WAR ZONE!

6. 5.
PHILL
Hello!
TONY (OS)
(excited)
Kid! Kid I found you...
PHILL
What is that sound?!
TONY (OS)
Oh, just a fire drill.
It in deed sounds like the rhythmic wailing of a siren.
TONY (OS)
Don’t pay no attention. Kid I found
you a great part. Great part! It’s
for a cutting edge product called
Itchipuss. Sounds like Icarus, so I
think it’s Greek.
As Tony talks, Phill’s breathing becomes slower and slower
as he gets closer and closer to sleep.
TONY (OS)
National spot... pays eight hundy.
Phill’s eyes open wide and his pupils dilate.
PHILL
(sitting up)
Do I need to prepare anything?
Remember that one time... Tony?
The alarm wail has finally shut off.
TONY (OS)
I’ll send the address.
Click. Phill looks at his phone, like that was weird.
CUT TO
INT. OFFICE - DAY
TONY D MANAGER is in a typical office with framed pictures
of a family we don’t recognize. Dressed in all black with
gloves and forceps, he tucks away a piece of paper titled
"Itch A Puss Audition".
He replaces a silver trash can, and walks out with the
plastic trash bag.

7. 6.
As soon as he exits, SUITS start to walk by. Tony looks both
ways, then runs as inconspicuously as possible.
INT. PHILL’S BEDROOM - LATER
Phill’s mood is brighter. Another audition - another chance.
Phill checks his phone -
INSERT: 14801 17th St... Audition ends in thirty minutes.
BACK TO PRESENT
Phill goes into fast motion, throwing on clothes when he
stops for a second and hears Earl BREAKING something.
Phill grabs his helmet and runs
OUTSIDE
fires up his old scooter and takes off...
EXT. AUDITION BUILDING - DAY
Phill parks, runs to the door, steps
INSIDE
and immediately stops.
There’s a ROOMFUL OF ACTORS who look exactly like Phill.
Like eerily identical. All wearing different barista
outfits. And they all look up when Phill enters.
PHILL
Guess I’m in the right place.
As the bizzaro Phill’s go back to their printouts and
magazines, Phill stares at them and blinks nervously.
He gets his phone and walks outside.
We stay inside and see the door on the right open - a sign
on the door reads ’Itch A Puss Audition’. A CUTE GIRL exits.

8. 7.
OUTSIDE
Phill is pacing. Having a Malkovich moment can be unnerving.
So can the pressure of being homeless.
PHILL
I can’t compete with these guys.
They look way more talented.
JOEY (OS)
You wanna know what I do when...
PHILL
Who am I kiddin, I can’t compete...
JOEY (OS)
Whoa?! Okay look. It’s human nature
to feel that. But it’s just energy,
right? What if you’re feeling
excitement instead of anxiety?
Phill stops pacing.
JOEY (OS)
You should cut to the front, walk
right in, and stare at the casting
person. Chilly Palmer style.
Phill takes a second to let that sink in.
JOEY (OS)
Excuse me bro’, but who the fuck
are you?
PHILL
I’m the one tellin’ you how it is.
Phill nods. Cue some bad ass theme music.
Phill pushes a button and pockets his phone, then walks in
FULL OF SWAGGER. You can just feel it - this is his day!
INSIDE
Phill struts in, right past his doppelgangers, sees the door
sign that reads Itchapuss, and enters.
Just as he goes in, the door on the left opens, and a YOUNG
ASSISTANT comes out. She bends down to pick up the door sign
that had fallen. She picks it up, and we see...

9. 8.
INSERT "Clerks: The Next Shift". There’s a big coffee mug
and an artist rendition of what looks like Phill and the
Pretentious Coffee Drinker.
She tapes the sign back up.
YOUNG ASSISTANT
Josh Herman?
YOUNG ASSISTANT
Cody?
One of the Phill Look-A-Likes stands up and walks with her.
INSIDE PHILL’S ROOM
Phill sits meekly in a low chair while the eccentric looking
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR sizes him up and down...
After a second of uncomfortable silence.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
You’re not right for the part. Can
you send...
Phill looks up. Almost imaging what Joey would say.
JOEY (OS)
Phill you have to show your
awesomeness and dominate!
PHILL
Wait. Wait. At least let me do my
monologue. Please? I need this.
After another LONG pause as we move close on Phill.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
Fine. What have you prepared?
PHILL
One of my favorite movies - Mr.
Smith Goes To Washington... And
you know that you fight for the
lost causes harder than for any
others. Yes, you’d even die for
them, like a man we both know, Mr.
Paine. You think I’m licked. You
all think I’m licked. Well, I’m not
licked and I’m going to stay right
here and fight for this lost cause
even if this room gets filled with
(MORE)

10. 9.
PHILL (cont’d)
lies like these, and the Taylors
and all their armies come marching
into this place. Somebody’ll listen
to me--some--
He nailed it! But she’s - expressionless.
JOEY (OS)
You fucking crushed it bro!
Phill smiles to himself as if Joey was in the room with him.
JOEY (OS)
Hey, any hot chicks over there?
Phill and the Casting Director share a look.
JOEY (OS)
Hey Phill, is that lady old? She
sounds old.
Phill looks at his pocket, then frantically struggles to
turn his phone off.
Casting Director stares at Phill.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
(expressionless)
That was great. But you just don’t
have what I need. I’m sorry. Next!
JOEY (OS)
Phill I would tell her to go fu...
Thank God, Phill turns his phone off.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
The door. Please.
She points to the door and Phill’s face falls.
PHILL
(getting up)
Okay look. I would do anything. I
just need a chance. Maybe there’s
some kind of - monetary agreement
we can reach?
She stares at him - and raises an eyebrow. Which is more
expression than he’s gotten so far.

11. 10.
PHILL
Okay, well, I don’t have any money
on me. Or any money at all, but...
She just stares.
PHILL
Maybe I could "borrow" some from a
bank. Okay, put aside my nervous
talking and offering to possibly
rob a bank - I will do anything. I
need this. Please.
Her face is just an empty void.
After a long beat.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
Anything, huh?
Not saying anything, she walks all the way around Phill.
After another beat, she leans forward & takes her hair down.
Phill gulps. She stands above him and bites on her glasses.
SLOW FADE OUT
As we slowly fade in, we hear...
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR (OS)
Lick it. Lick - slowly. That’s it!
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
We can only see the back of Phill kneeling on a bed.
Pull back & Phill is surrounded by - cats. And a to-do list.
INSERT "Cat Sitting Duties".
Pull back further & see a laptop with the Casting Director.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
Mrs. Whiskers only likes to be
cleaned by licking her.
FAMILIAR VOICE
Darling are you coming back? This
leather is starting to get hot.
The Female Casting Director is soon joined by the
PRETENTIOUS COFFEE DRINKER in a classic Submissive outfit.

12. 11.
PRETENTIOUS COFFEE DRINKER
He looks familiar... Ohhh can I
watch him clean Mrs. Whiskers?
She pushes him out of the frame.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
Wait for me on the swing.
(to Phill)
Okay, Phill. You got the part.
Phill is fucking beaming! This just became a great day.
FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR
Be on set tomorrow for makeup. A
lot of makeup. And if you ever
mention this, well I don’t have to
say what would happen to you, do I?
Just then, a well timed whip sound CRACKS. She raises an
eyebrow and smiles. Then looks off screen...
PRETENTIOUS COFFEE DRINKER (OS)
(mush mouth-y)
Am I bweeding? I think my wip is
bweeding. Owww!
She looks back at Phill and hits a button. Black screen.
Phill smiles to himself as he closes the laptop.
A friendly cat climbs into his lap purring.
Everything will be - SNEEZE!
As Phill sneezes and the cat goes flying we
QUICK CUT TO BLACK
ANNOUNCER
Next time on the Art of Acting Out.
INT. COMMERCIAL SET - DAY
Phill and Joey walk on the set while the crew is setting up.
Joey finds a table of tampons and uses them like nunchucks.
He hands one to Phill and walks off - just as JENNIFER,
Phill’s dream girl comes up.

13. 12.
JENNIFER
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Phill turns and is mortified to see Jennifer - judging him.