A short sketch based off an old joke

1. SNAKE BITE
Written By
Wylan Ernst

2. 1
"SNAKE BITE"
EXT. MOUTAIN - AFTERNOON
2 friends are hiking in the woods: JEREMY and TED.
TED
You know, I love this. Mountain
hiking with my best friend.
Beautiful weather. Beautiful
scenery. This is just great.
JEREMY
(Sarcasm)
Yeah, real great.
Jeremy makes a HANDJOB gesture.
TED
What is that? What does that even
mean?
JEREMY
I'll explain it late. Can we pull
over? I gotta pee.
TED
Fine. Hurry, please.
The guys stop hiking. Jeremy walks away.
BEAT.
JEREMY (O.S.)
OUCH! SON OF A BITCH!
Ted quickly rushes to Jeremy to find him rolling on the
ground in pain!
TED
Whoa! Are you okay?!
JEREMY
NO!
TED
What happened?!
JEREMY
A god-damn snake bit my dick!
Ted spots the snake slithering away...

3. 2
TED
Oh no...
JEREMY
What?
TED
That was a Timber Rattlesnake!
They're extremely venomous!
JEREMY
Shit... What does that mean?!
TED
It means we have to get the venom
out of you. Don't worry, I have a
plan.
JEREMY
Well, quickly, do something! This
is so painful!
TED
Great! Ok. I'm going to suck the
venom out of your shaft.
JEREMY
Come again?
TED
The venom. I gotta suck it out!
Ted goes to suck the venom but Jeremy quickly stops him!
JEREMY
WHOA! Hey-um...
TED
What?!
JEREMY
I mean, like... Is there another
option..?
TED
What? No! Jeremy, we can't waste
time!
Ted attempts to suck the venom but Jeremy stops him again.
JEREMY
Yeah... But like... I mean, there's
gotta be another way...

4. 3
TED
Jeremy, please. Just let me---
JEREMY
Uh, what about your cellphone?
Let's call 911!
TED
They'll never make it in time! Now
stop acting weird and let me suck
the venom!
JEREMY
Okay! Wait..!
(Sighs)
I'll suck it myself...
TED
Are you sure? Do you know what
you're doing?
JEREMY
Yeah. Just suck the venom out,
right? That's all?
TED
Yes.
JEREMY
Alright... I think I got this...
Here I go...
Jeremy attempts to suck the venom out himself, BUT... He
can't reach.
JEREMY
Alright, hang on. Give me a chance
here.
Jeremy tries again. He fails.
JEREMY
Ok, you know what, if I just get it
hard I'll be able to reach then
I'll be able suck it. Just give me
more time. I need---
QUICKLY! Ted goes down on Jeremy and sucks up the venom!
Jeremy's eyes light up! Ted comes back up and spits out the
venom.
TED
Done. There you go. You can thank
(MORE)

5. 4
me later.
TED (CONT'D)
JEREMY
That was it?
TED
Yup. Come on. You're good to go.
JEREMY
Oh... Alright... Yeah, let me just
stand back up---
(Pretends he's in pain)
OW! OH MY GOD! OW! I CAN'T MOVE!
Ted, I think you missed some of the
venom! You have to get it!
END.