The horoscopes provide humorous and nonsensical predictions for each sign of the zodiac. Virgos are told to spread lies and be flamboyant, while Libras are warned danger is around every corner and everyone is out to get them. Scorpios are told their poor sense of time and lack of humor will hurt their love life, and they should express feelings through haiku. Sagittarians are called perfectly annoying.

1. Written in the Stars: Hendrix Horoscopes
Samantha Bridges
Profile Columnist
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember that fact is often harder to find than fiction, so don’t be afraid to spread damn dirty
lies. Don’t worry about how others perceive your actions; be flamboyant! Test yourself this
week by trying to abstain from gratuitous sex and violence.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Danger is around every corner. While this is usually paranoia and not true at all, you will find it
difficult to turn off the worrying side of your persona. This is understandable, really, because as
far as I can tell, everyone is out to get you. The odds of you surviving the day with your sanity
intact are low.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Your poor sense of time does not bode well for the future of your love life. Neither does your
lack of a sense of humor. Despite this, you have a seemingly endless capacity for love and
affection. Try expressing your feelings in the form of haiku.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are the very definition of perfection. Intelligent, fit, funny, admired by your friends, and
feared by your enemies. Unfortunately, everyone else just finds this very annoying. Whenever
possible, blame an Aries for all of your troubles.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You are loyal and caring, always willing to help a friend in need without secretly eyeing his
girlfriend or his wallet. You also excel in woodsmanship and would make a great Boy Scout. If
you’re feeling in a rut, do something creative. Try wearing a new hat.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You require lots of love and attention. Make friends with someone willing to follow you around
with one of those giant foam fingers that says “You’re #1!” This week may cause problems for
you as your secrets are shared across the internet. When faced with a lifetime of trauma,
remember what your mother always told you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your intellect may give you cause to grieve today when you discover that you’re unable to stop
local flooding with trigonometry alone. You will be plagued by happy people, but don’t be
swayed by them; stay miserable.

2. Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Now is the time to demand the respect and worship you deserve. To make yourself feel
beautiful, hug a tree, kiss a baby, read a classic, and then take a long journey. After that, you’ll
still be ugly, but so tired you won’t even care. If Jesus were here, he’d probably bless you in
light of what’s going to happen to you today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The stars predict that you are just as lucky as other lucky people and likely to win often and
plentifully. Mythology states that all kinds of crazy stuff happened. All the things you’re unsure
of will certainly remain enigmatic by the end of the day. Consider a career as a Ronald
McDonald impersonator.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Dates are important to you, and it is rare that you will ever forget a birthday, anniversary, or
other occasion on which you can purposely avoid sending a greeting card or present. Today will
be full of computer-related mishaps. Hope in your heart that all is well but know deep down
that when your computer freezes, you will not have saved that document you’ve been working
on for the past four hours.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Ironically, you are less likely than most to develop venereal disease. In fact, you are amongst the
healthiest of us all. Terrible news is headed your way – the best way to save your sanity is to
implicate as many people as possible in your downfall. Your lucky drink for the day is chocolate
milk.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The stars have granted you the awesome responsibility to take care of us all, in the same way that
superheroes have a responsibility to use their powers for good. Unfortunately, you are destined
to go bad and turn into the evil archenemy of all the other good superheroes. Chew the cud with
some old friends today; their inane chatter may amuse you.
The (Hendrix College) Profile
Issue 1, Vol 97
11 Sept 2008