The document is a peer review analyst's report for a screenplay titled "The Finish Line." The analyst provides an overall positive evaluation of the premise and commercial potential but identifies areas for improvement, including strengthening the structure by better establishing plot points and tightening pacing in racing scenes. Characterization and dialogue are also noted as needing development to make the characters more distinct and realistic. While the premise and action elements are promising, work is recommended on structure, character development, and dialogue to fully realize the story's potential.

1. FULL SAIL STUDIOS
PEER REVIEW ANALYST’S REPORT
TITLE: The Finish Line GENRE: Action
AUTHOR(s): Khristian Kehoe TIME: Present Day
DRAFT: May 2015 LOCALE: California
SUBMITTED BY: JOE AGENT FORM: SCREENPLAY
SUBMITTED TO: JANE PRODUCER PAGES: 93
DATE: May 27, 2015 ANALYST: Sabina Cooper
BUDGET: High
PREMISE: A talented professional racer with a gambling problem is ordered by his
bookie to throw a race, but when he doesn’t do it, his son is taken and the racer has
to employ his racing skills to get him back.
ANALYST’S EVALUATION
EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR
PREMISE: X
STRUCTURE: X
CHARACTERIZATION: X
DIALOGUE: X
COMMERCIALITY: X
PROJECT: CONSIDER
WRITER: CONSIDER
COMMENTS: The premise of this story has a lot of potential and it definitely has
commercial value, but the structure and dialogue needs work.

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SYNOPSIS: MAX DANGER, 35, is in the middle of a race against WALLY
WENTWORTH, 30. Max pulls some clever racing moves on Wally, which results in his
win. His excited son ARTHUR, 10 and BRIAN, 32, his mechanic and friend, meet Max
after the race. Max and Arthur talk to a race official that congratulates Max on his win,
right before Max makes his way to a podium where he receives a trophy and check.
Wally is visibly annoyed at losing yet another race to Max.
While Max, Brian, and Arthur revel in their win, IVAN, 50s, and VICTOR 40s enters
their garage. The smiles turn to frowns as Ivan confronts Max about money he owes. Ivan
exclaims that he’ll take Max’s check, but when Max offers to cash the check, he is met
with a punch to the stomach. Max quickly hands over the check but before Ivan is out the
door, Max places a bet with Ivan on the Mets’ game.
Max and Arthur enjoy dinner at a local diner. Arthur questions his father about the earlier
events and asks if he is gambling again. Max brushes it off as nothing to worry about, but
doesn’t answer the question. Before the meal is over, Max realizes he has no method of
payment and skips out on the check.
Ivan contacts PABLO BLANCO, 40, a crooked cop and one of Ivan’s thugs. Pablo has
found JIMMY, 50, another man that owes Ivan money. Ivan arrives and Pablo and Victor
accompany him into the motel room that Jimmy occupies. Ivan questions Jimmy about
his money and when Jimmy states that he needs a couple more days to pay, Ivan
comments on Jimmy’s new car and the “escort” that Jimmy is able to afford. Ivan breaks
Jimmy’s hand with a bottle and takes Jimmy’s new Cadillac for himself.
That night, Max grabs the last two hundred dollars he has to his name from the frame of
his couch. The next day, Max and Arthur are at home in their garage working on a car.
Afterwards they head out to a sports bar where Max learns he has won his bet and is
$2,000 richer. However, he immediately calls Ivan and places $4,000 worth of bets. Still
in a good mood, Max takes his son to the aquarium. Afterwards, Max’s night is ruined
when he learns that one of the teams he bet on to win lost their game. The next night, he
learns that the other team he bet on has lost as well. Max immediately calls Ivan to make
another $2,000 bet on the Giants, but they also loose leaving Max in $6,000 worth of
debt.
The next morning, Victor arrives at Max’s door to collect. Victor and Max get into a
fight. Arthur saves his father by hitting Victor in the head with a pan. Max and Arthur
leave to go get breakfast. Arthur questions his father again about his gambling, but Max
just insists that he will make things right.
Ivan gets a call from Max. He asks Ivan what he can do to make things right. Ivan tells
him to come to his office. Ivan informs Victor that he plans on making Max throw a race

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against Wally. Max arrives and enters the office with Arthur. Max insists that his
winnings from the next day’s race will be enough to pay Ivan off. Ivan gives Max his
alternate plan and Max refuses. Ivan explains that he will get more money if Max throws
the game but Max still doesn’t agree with the plan. Ivan then threatens Max’s son, which
encourages Max to change his mind.
It’s the day of the race. Brian, Max, and Arthur are in the car garage. Ivan and Victor
walk in to reiterate the plan, and Ivan even threatens to take Arthur in front of Brian.
After Ivan and Victor leave, Brian pulls Max to the side and lectures him about the
predicament he’s put himself in and how he needs to stop gambling and just be there for
his son.
Wally obviously knows about the fixed race and approaches Max to gloat. A fight
between the two men ensues. When it is over, the race begins. Throughout the race, Max
seems to be conflicted, but in the end, he decides not to throw the race and ends up
victorious. Victor tries to nab Arthur in the stands, but Arthur breaks away and makes a
run for it. PAMELA, 30, a fan of Max, helps Arthur escape.
Ivan, Pablo and Victor, wait for Max, his fans, and Arthur in the car garage. Max insists
to Ivan that he doesn’t know what happened with the race and he tries to negotiate. When
Ivan threatens Arthur’s life, they make a run for it. As they run through the crowd, Max
finds a fan that he exchanges clothes with for a disguise. Max, Arthur, Brian, Pamela
escape the raceway.
Max and Arthur return to their apartment to grab some things. Ivan and Victor catch up to
them there. Ivan says that Max owes him $25,000, and he has 25 hours to get the money.
Ivan takes Arthur for leverage. Just as they’re about to leave, Max attacks Ivan, and they
fight. They are interrupted but promise each other that they will finish a fight one day.
Max goes to Brian to inform him that he needs $25,000 in 25 hours to get his son back.
Brian tells him of a race that evening where they can get that kind of money. Brian offers
Max his car to drive since Max wrecked his car in the earlier race against Wally. Brain
and Max arrive at the street race where they meet SIMONE, 47, Brian’s nephew
DONNIE, 28, and the other drivers that Max will be racing against. Max wins the race
but the police end up on the scene and they engage in a car race. When all the excitement
is over, they learn that Donnie threw the bag of winnings out of the window in order to
avoid losing it to the cops.
Max, Pamela, Simone, and Brian all go to look for the money on the beach. They find it,
and Max and Ivan arrange a meeting on the boardwalk to make their exchange. The next
day, Max and Ivan meet. Max exchanges the money for his son. When Ivan insinuates
that next time Max should just throw the race as they agreed, Max states there will be no
next time and punches Ivan. As punishment, Ivan wants Max to pay another $25,000.
Max, Arthur, and Brian fight their way out of the situation and escape in Brian’s car, but
a truck at an intersection hits them. They all loose consciousness. Ivan arrives at the

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scene and removes Arthur from the car. Max and Brian are taken to the hospital. Max
awakes to find Pamela by his side. She informs him that Brian was in surgery, and the
doctors were not sure if he would make it. Max goes to see Brian, who tells him to go get
his son back.
Max and Pamela go to Ivan’s office but only find Victor with a large container of soup.
He gets in his car, and they follow him, but when he spots them, he leads them in a car
chase. He is able to lose them when Pamela almost hits a kid that runs into the street.
Max informs Pamela that he thinks Victor is heading for Ivan’s boat, so they head in that
direction.
We find Ivan, Victor, and Pablo on Ivan’s boat along with Arthur. When Max and
Pamela arrive, they take a man’s boat and purse Ivan. Max fights his way through Pablo
and Victor before finally he finds Ivan and Arthur. Max and Ivan start their altercation,
which ends with Max killing Ivan with a spear gun. Afterwards, Arthur finds a bucket
full of money on Ivan’s boat.
Max, Pamela, Arthur, Simone, and Brian are on an island enjoying themselves. They
cheer to their success and Max states that his gambling days are over.

5. - 5 -
COMMENTS: First and foremost, I think you have a pretty good premise here. It is an
action packed racing film and that will do well commercially. It will especially attract
people who enjoy the sport of racing and I like how you mix the professional racing with
the street racing. I think that is a unique aspect of your film.
Let’s talk about structure. While reading this screenplay, I couldn’t pinpoint your plot
points. For example, on page 30, which is supposed to be the end of Act One and your
first plot point, nothing spectacular was really happening. Same with your midpoint in
Act Two. Page 50 is the middle of a race, there’s no real plot point. You do have plot
points, that’s for sure. You have defining moments that change the direction of the story,
but they are happening either, too late or too soon in regards to page numbers. They don’t
have to happen exactly on particular pages, as we’ve learned, but in the general vicinity.
You especially need to work on the first 10 pages. By page ten, we should have an
inciting incident that shows us where the story is headed. I know when Max loses all his
bets and ends up owing Ivan $6,000, that is your inciting incident. That is what causes
Ivan to ask Max to forfeit the race and that is what starts the story off. But it doesn’t
happen until page 16. Try to rearrange or cut some things so that it is happening closer to
page 10. Especially since your script is around 90 pages.
Sometimes you go into a bit too much detail, especially with the racing scenes. Your plot
kind of gets lost in the races. Frankly, it slows the read down and gets a bit boring.
Sometimes I found myself skipping over those parts. It might be interesting for someone
who likes racing, but not everyone does, so it gets tiresome to read. Focus less on the race
and more on the characters. What are they doing? What are they saying? What is
happening to the characters outside of the car? There could be moments where you cut to
Max’s son or Brian. Even Ivan. Maybe have them talk to someone to reveal more about
your characters and the story. So that the reader isn’t just reading, this car did this and
this car made this bend, and this person down shifted. Make this change throughout your
entire script. It will make a huge difference because some of your racing scenes are
taking up 3-4 pages. That is valuable space for you to expand on the story and your
characters.
Keep the description of the race short. You choreograph every moment of the race, but I
think that is more the job of the actors and the people who will be on set that day trying to
find the best ways to pull the stunts. I would suggest you including the major stunts and
details that you really want to end up in the film and leave everything else to the
imagination. Do the same with the characters. There are moments where you describe
how a character physically reacts to something, like a character wiping mustard off of
their shirt. Those kinds of details are not necessary unless it reveals something about their
character.
Your characters tend to fall a bit flat and that has a lot to do with the dialogue.
Throughout the whole script, your characters talk in one or two sentence fragments that
are either clichéd or on the nose. I could not read a line and say, Max definitely said that

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or that is such a typical thing Ivan would say. Their personalities weren’t coming
through. They just came off as stereotypes. Even when Arthur speaks, he does not sound
his age. There isn’t even that much dialogue in the script as a whole. I understand it is an
action film, but your characters still need to interact and have down time where they talk
about what is going on in their lives.
Use your dialogue as a tool. Show us who your characters are, and what they care about,
through the things that they say. Think about how people speak in real life to get an idea
of how to make your characters sound more realistic. Instead of having Max simply say
“I’ll make this right” do something more along the lines of “Whatever you want! I’ll do
whatever you want just don’t hurt him. I’ll get you your money.” I think that clipped
way of speech works for Ivan, but everyone else should have two or three lines of
dialogue when they speak.
Also, don’t be afraid of silence. When Brian is lecturing Max and Max tells him he wants
to give Arthur the best and Brian asks, “How is that working out?” Max says “not well.”
That is too on the nose. Max should either not say anything or get angry and fight Brian
back. Use this moment to tell us more about Max’s personality, about how his wife died,
and about how he is having a hard time coping with being a single father. We know
things are not working out and so does Brian and Max. It goes unsaid. Same for when
Pablo is talking to Max in the car right before the race he is supposed to throw and Pablo
spills some mustard on Max. Instead of Max saying, “Get out of here” have him give
Pablo a look of disgust and then ignore him.
Max confuses me at times because he seems to have a temper but at the same time he
comes off as a funny man. Two things that I don’t think really go together. He punches
Ivan out of anger, and yet he jokes at the most inappropriate times. When Ivan demands
another 25 grand, Max says, “where’s my checkbook” instead of expressing outrage. You
have to pick which personality you want Max to have. It’s fine for him to have smart
remarks, but be sure that the audience can still take him seriously. Even when Brian takes
Max out to talk and throws him up against the wall, Max snickers. Why? What about the
situation is funny? It’s almost like Max doesn’t comprehend the seriousness of what is
happening. If he doesn’t lose this race, they will take his son. Nothing about that is
amusing. Brian seems to be the only one reacting properly. It makes Max come off
immature, which I’m sure is not what you want.
With Arthur, just as I said he sometimes doesn’t sound his age, it’s the same with some
of the things he does. Like when he hits Victor in the head hard enough to knock him out
with a pan. It just doesn’t seem like something a 10 year old could do. Maybe it’s just me
cause I don’t hang around a lot of 10 year olds but I would suggest making him 12 or 13.
That way he is old enough to question his father’s gambling and he has a bit of pre-teen
strength, but he’s still young enough to be vulnerable. Him being 12 or 13 will also
justify his interest in the cleavage of the waitress at the sports bar. I don’t think a 10 year
old would be concerned with that.

7. - 7 -
Pamela’s character and the relationship she has with Max seems a bit contrived. I would
suggest making them have some sort of history instead of her just being a random fan that
Max is attracted too. If they do have a history, it’s not apparent at this point. Introduce
her sooner; show that Arthur maybe doesn’t like her too much because he feels she is
trying to take his mothers place and that also makes Max hesitate from starting a
relationship with her. Something that gives them a foundation for the relationship to grow
because as it stands, their relationship kind of comes out of nowhere.
All in all, I think once you edit the structure of your story and work more on the dialogue
and revealing the characters, you will have a pretty good screenplay on your hands. As I
said, the story is interesting and you have already come a long way. I hope I was able to
help.
PROJECT: CONSIDER
WRITER: CONSIDER