Opening scene of radio sitcom.

1. NEWS TO ME
EPISODE 1: THE SHOPLIFTER
by
Adam Grant

2. Page 1
SCENE 1. THE SHOP.
F/X: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING
The shop is based in North London, accents reflect this.
RUSSELL: Morning Mrs Trent
MRS TRENT: It is, yes
RUSSELL: Usual?
MRS TRENT: Yes love
RUSSELL: Still giving up? (SARCASTICALLY)
Don’t read the warnings on the packets
then?
F/X: SOUND OF TILL OPENING AND MONEY GOING IN
MRS TRENT: Well, by the time you’ve read ‘em bit late
then ain’t it? I mean, I’ve bought ‘em
now. (PAUSE) Twenty-eight minutes.
RUSSELL: What?
MRS TRENT: The bus was twenty-eight minutes late
this morning, it’s getting worse
RUSSELL: Yeah, you’d think they’d lay on a special
service especially for you wouldn’t you?

3. Page 2
MRS TRENT: A bus is a public service.
RUSSELL: So is a condom machine.
RUSSELL TURNS AROUND
TOWARDS A YOUNG MAN
RUSSELL: Excuse me, I think you’ve forgotten to
pay for something.
JAMIE: You what?
RUSSELL: Your jacket, you’ve got a bottle of wine
in it.
JAMIE: Have I? D’you see me take it then did
ya?
RUSSELL: Yes, I did.
JAMIE: Well, there ya go.
RUSSELL: Hand it over.
JAMIE: Alright, I was gonna pay for it though.
RUSSELL: Always carry the things you’re going to
buy inside your jacket then?
JAMIE: Yep. Testing your security wasn’t I,
you’ve passed the test.