How We Miss Each Other: The Gospel, Marriage Pitfalls, and Gender Differences
1. How We
Miss Each
Other
The Gospel,
Marriage Pitfalls, and
Gender Differences
October 22, 2014
https://www.youtube.co
m/watch?v=-
4EDhdAHrOg
2. How We Miss Each Other:
We come into marriage
with unrealistic
expectations based on:
Family of origin
wounds
Hollywood standards
All my needs can be
met by my spouse
My spouse won’t sin
Love conquers all OR
we won’t struggle like
other couples
I have the right to be
happy
The Truth:
We are redeemed but
still sinners
The marriage
relationship teaches us
about grace & loving
another person
“In this you rejoice, though now
for a little while, if necessary, you
have been grieved by various
trials, so that the tested
genuineness of your faith—more
precious than gold that perishes
though it is tested by fire—may
be found to result in praise and
glory and honor at the revelation
of Jesus Christ.”
1 Peter 1:6-7
From Paul Tripp’s What Did You Expect
3. All We Need We Have in Christ
Colossians 3:12 says that we ARE holy and
dearly loved! It is present tense. The love,
respect, and acceptance we are each
frequently looking for from our mate is fully
met in Jesus.
“God’s power has given us everything we
need to lead a godly life. All of that has
come to us because we know the One
who chose us. He chose us because of his
own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3
4. We are Free to Give
Because all we need, we in Christ, we are
FREE from trying to get that from other
people.
Paul tells the Colossian people what that looks
like:
Mercy
Kindness
Humility
Gentleness
Patience
Putting up with each other
Forgiveness
Love
Thankfulness
5. God Made Men & Women
Different!
Wives are instructed throughout scripture
(Col 3, Eph 5, 1 Pet 3) to RESPECT their
husbands. This is because it is a deep soul
need of men that women do not
understand.
Men are instructed throughout scripture
(Col 3, Eph 5, 1 Pet 3) to LOVE their wives.
This is the deep soul need of women.
From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
6. We are CRAZY Different
“When women feel unloved we react
disrespectfully”
“When men feel disrespected they react
unlovingly”
It is a vicious cycle
It causes good-willed
people to miss each
other.
From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
7. So Now What?
Grace: assume your spouse has good-will
and is not intentionally trying to disrespect or
act unlovingly.
Recognize the crazy cycle and get off it.
Consider if you have acted unloving or
disrespectful.
“My response to my partner is my
responsibility. They don’t cause my emotional
reaction but reveal my sinful heart.”
“Imagine Jesus standing behind the shoulder
of your partner. Love your spouse unto the
Lord!”
“You are commanded to love or respect
despite your partner’s response” (this is how
we grow)
From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
8. References and Places to Find
More Information:
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
This Momentary Marriage by John Piper
What Did You Expect by Paul Tripp
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
How We Love by Mylan and Kay Yerkovich
www.loveandrespect.com
www.loveandrespectpodcast.com
www.howwelove.com
www.counseling4hope.com/resources/
9. Aimee Thompson
Married 17 years to my high school sweet-heart and best friend.
Mom of two preteen/teen boys.
Previous stay-at-home mom for 13 years
Served in many teaching roles at Preston Ridge Baptist Church in
Frisco, TX (Women’s Bible Study leader, Kindergarten Sunday
School teacher, Preteen Bible School Director)
Education:
Bachelors of Science in Sociology from Texas A&M University
Masters in Counseling from Dallas Baptist University.
LPC-Intern under the Supervision of Steve Hunter, Ed.D., D.Min,
LPC-S, NC
A few steps away from being a Certified Anger Management
Specialist-I.
I am a passionate pursuer of help and hope for people in pain
and distress.
Life is messy. Hope is real. A good listener is powerful. Your story
matters!
www.counseling4hope.com
Editor's Notes
What are you thinking during this interaction?
Women, how come you don’t want to be told what to do? What does that communicate? What does the male response in the end communicate to you?
We are in the middle of God’s Redemption Story.
We are b/t the already and the not yet:
Already
God has given us his Word as our guide
he has sent his Son to live, die, and rise again for our salvation
he has given us his Spirit to live within us
But not yet (Romans 8)
has the world been restored
Has sin been completely eradicated
Have we been formed in the perfect likeness of Jesus
Are suffering, sadness, and death no more
From Paul Tripp’s What Did You Expect
“You are God’s chosen people. You are holy and dearly loved. So put on tender mercy and kindness as if they were your clothes. Don’t be proud. Be gentle and patient. Put up with each other. Forgive the things you are holding against one another. Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you. And over all of those good things put on love. Love holds them all together perfectly as if they were one. Let the peace that Christ gives rule in your hearts. As parts of one body, you were appointed to live in peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15
You may have thought this was present in your relationship prior to marriage but in reality you were loving how the other person made you feel….really you were loving yourself.
This perfect, unconditional, love that knows your brokenness but loves you anyway is love that ONLY comes from God!
“6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8
Growth is a process as we come to continually understand the truth of 2 Peter 1:3, we have ALL we NEED in Jesus (2 Peter 1:5-11)
Wives don’t need to be told to love because that is very intuitive for them.
Men don’t need to be told to respect their wives because that is intuitive for them.
God revealed our unique differences by the commands he gives to us in Ephesians 5.
From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect
When a man reacts unlovingly and is harsh with his wife, a wife questions how important she is to him and whether or not he really loves her. In defense, women react unfriendly, harsh, critical, complaining, and disrespectful.
In turn, the man feels like the woman does not like him or admire him. Men fear contempt more than anything (Esther 1). Conflict in general makes most men feel disrespected so they often withdraw and isolate.
When this happens, a woman questions his love for her, feels insecure and reacts often verbally and disrespectfully. And the cycle continues!
A wife “who brings shame” on her husband “is like sickness in his bones” Proverbs 12:4 NIRV
“It is better to live in a desert than to live with a nagging, angry wife.” Proverbs 21:19 NIRV
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” Col 3:19
From Emerson Eggerich’s Love and Respect