Richard Wiseman searched for the world's funniest joke and compiled 1001 clean jokes submitted to him in his book Quirkology. The document proceeds to list the first 1001 jokes in the database, ranging from puns and wordplay to short stories and riddles.

1. 1001
Jokes
A
few
years
ago
Richard
Wiseman
went
in
search
of
the
world's
funniest
joke.
The
results
are
described
in
his
book,
Quirkology.
Here
are
the
first
1001
clean
jokes
submitted
into
the
database.
Enjoy.....
37
Is
it
true
that
cannibals
don't
eat
clowns
because
they
taste
funny?
38
What
kind
of
pig
can
you
ignore
at
a
party?
A
wild
bore.
39
What
kind
of
murderer
has
fiber?
A
cereal
killer.
44
A
man
walking
down
the
streets
sees
another
man
with
a
very
big
dog.
One
man
says
to
the
other,
"Does
your
dog
bite",
the
man
replies
"No
my
dog
doesn't"
The
man
pats
the
dog
and
has
his
hand
bitten
off,
"I
thought
you
said
your
dog
didn't
bite"
said
the
injured
man.
"Thats
not
my
dog",
replied
the
other.
45
Q:
What's
the
difference
between
a
shoping
trolley
and
a
University
vice
chancellor?
A:
You
fill
them
both
up
with
as
much
food
and
alcohol
you
can,
but
it's
only
the
shopping
trolley
that
has
a
mind
of
its
own.
46
Q.
How
do
you
catch
a
polar
bear?
A.
You
cut
a
hole
in
the
ice
and
you
put
peas
all
round
the
edge
and
when
the
polar
bear
comes
along
and
stops
for
a
pea,
you
kick
it
in
the
ice
hole.
47
Why
do
Marxists
like
fruit
infusions?
Because
all
proper
tea
is
theft!
48
What
was
born
to
succeed?
A
budgie
with
a
blunt
beak.
49
Three
budgies
in
a
cage,
one
on
the
top
perch,
one
on
the
middle
and
one
on
the
bottom
perch.
Which
Budgie
owns
the
cage?
The
one
on
the
bottom
perch,
the
other
two
are
on
higher
perches.
50
what
do
you
call
a
fly
with
no
wings?
a
walk.

2. 51
What
do
you
call
a
teacher
with
no
arms,
no
legs,
and
no
body?
The
Head...
52
Q:
Why
should
you
never
iron
a
four
leaf
clover?
A:
You
should
never
press
your
luck!
53
What's
ET
short
for?
Because
he's
got
little
legs.
54
An
8-­‐year-­‐old
girl
went
to
her
dad,
who
was
working
in
the
yard.
She
asked
him,
"Daddy,
what
is
sex?"
The
father
was
surprised
that
she
would
ask
such
a
question,
but
decides
that
if
she
is
old
enough
to
ask
the
question,
then
she
is
old
enough
to
get
a
straight
answer.
He
proceeded
to
tell
her
all
about
the
'birds
and
the
bees'.
When
he
finished
explaining,
the
little
girl
was
looking
at
him
with
her
mouth
hanging
open.
The
father
asked
her,
"Why
did
you
ask
this
question?"
The
little
girl
replied,
"Mom
told
me
to
tell
you
that
dinner
would
be
ready
in
just
a
couple
of
secs."
55
Did
you
hear
about
the
ice-­‐cream
man,
he
was
found
dead
in
his
ice-­‐cream
van,
covered
in
chocolate
sauce
and
hundreds-­‐and-­‐thousands?
The
police
said
that
he
had
?topped?
himself.
56
What
lies
on
the
bottom
of
the
ocean
and
shakes?
A
nervous
wreck.
57
Two
cannibals
are
sitting
around
eating
a
clown.
One
clown
says
to
the
other,
"Does
this
taste
funny
to
you?"
58
A
piece
of
straight,
clean
string
goes
into
a
bar
and
orders
a
gin
and
tonic.
The
barman
serves
the
drink,
the
string
downs
it
and
walks
out.
Ten
minutes
later
a
dirty,
twisted,
ragged
piece
of
string
walks
into
the
bar.
"Here
-­‐
are
you
that
piece
of
string
that
was
here
ten
minutes
ago?"
asks
the
barman
-­‐
"No"
replies
the
string
"I'm
a
frayed
knot"
59
there
are
these
two
sausages
sizzling
in
a
frying
pan.
the
one
turns
to
the
other
and
says
"gees,
it's
hot
in
here"
and
the
second
one
turns
around
and
goes
"AAAAH!,
a
talking
sausage".
60
Q
-­‐
what
did
the
grape
say
when
the
elephant
trod
on
it?
A
-­‐
Nothing,
it
just
gave
a
little
wine.
61
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
is
about
to
order
a
drink
when
he
notices
Van
Gogh
playing
the
fruit
machine.
He
calls
over,
"Hey,
Van
Gogh!
Want
a
drink?"
and
Van
Gogh
replies,
"No
thanks.
I've
got
one
'ere."

3. 62
There
were
two
cows
in
a
field.
One
said
"moo",
the
other
one
said
"I
was
going
to
say
that!"
64
What
did
the
landlord
say
as
he
threw
Shakespeare
out
of
his
pub?
"You're
Bard!"
65
A
three
legged
dog
walks
into
a
Saloon
in
the
Wild
West,
the
barman
asks
him
what
he
wants.
The
dog
replies
"I'm
looking
fo
the
man
that
shot
my
paw"
66
Two
owls
are
playing
in
the
final
of
the
Owl
Pool
Championship.
It
comes
down
to
the
last
frame.
One
of
the
owls
is
just
about
to
play
his
shot,
when
his
wing
accidentally
touches
a
ball.
"That's
two
hits,"
says
the
other
owl.
"Two
hits
to
who?"
says
the
first.
67
An
atom
walks
into
a
bar
and
asks
the
bartender
if
he's
seen
his
missing
electron.
"Are
you
sure
she's
missing",
asks
the
bartender.
"I'm
positive",
replies
the
atom.
(this
is
definitely
a
joke
for
science-­‐minded
people
only)
68
Patient
:
"Doctor
I
keep
hearing
"The
green,
green
grass
of
home"
in
my
head.
Doctor
:
"That's
called
the
Tom
Jones
Syndrome"
Patient
:
"Is
it
common
?"
Doctor
:
"It's
not
unusual
69
Two
aerials
met
on
a
roof,
fell
in
love
and
got
married.
The
ceremony
was
rubbish
but
the
reception
was
brilliant.
70
Did
you
hear
about
the
dyslexic
agnostic
insomniac
?
He
used
to
lie
awake
at
night
wondering
if
there
was
a
Dog
!
71
What
do
you
call
a
donkey
with
3
legs?
A
Wonky
72
What?s
brown
and
sticky?
A
stick
73
A
horse
walks
in
to
a
bar.
The
bartender
says:
"Why
the
long
face?"
74
A
Buddhist
walks
up
to
a
hot
dog
vendor
and
says
"Make
me
one
with
everything."
75
A
mushroom
walks
into
a
bar.
The
bartender
says
to
the
mushroom.
"Hey
we
don't
serve
your
kind
here."
The
mushroom
says
"why
not
I'm
a
fun
guy"
76
What
did
the
mayonnaise
say
to
the
refrigerator?

4. "Close
the
door!
Can't
you
see
I'm
dressing?"
77
PATIENT..Doctor
,
people
keep
ignoring
me.
DOCTOR...Next
please.
78
Q.
What's
the
difference
between
a
buffalo
and
a
bison?
A.
You
can't
wash
your
hands
in
a
buffalo.
79
-­‐
How
long
did
Cain
hate
his
brother?
-­‐
?
-­‐
As
long
as
he
was
able...
80
A
grad
student,
a
post-­‐doc,
and
a
professor
are
walking
through
a
city
park
and
they
find
an
antique
oil
lamp.
They
rub
it
and
a
Genie
comes
out
in
a
puff
of
smoke.
The
Genie
says,
"I
usually
only
grant
three
wishes,
so
I'll
give
each
of
you
just
one."
"Me
first!
Me
first!"
says
the
grad
student.
"I
want
to
be
in
the
Bahamas,
driving
a
speedboat
with
a
gorgeous
woman
who
sunbathes
topless."
Poof!
He's
gone.
"Me
next!
Me
next!"
says
the
post-­‐doc.
"I
want
to
be
in
Hawaii,
relaxing
on
the
beach
with
a
professional
hula
dancer
on
one
side
and
a
Mai
Tai
on
the
other."
Poof!
He's
gone.
"You're
next,"
the
Genie
says
to
the
professor.
The
professor
says,
"I
want
those
guys
back
in
the
lab
after
lunch."
81
A
penguin
walks
into
a
store
and
asks
the
teller,
"Do
you
have
any
grapes?"
"No."
He
replies.
This
same
thing
happens
the
next
day.
On
the
third
day
the
teller
replies,"
No,
and
if
you
come
in
asking
for
grapes
again
I
will
nail
your
flippers
to
the
floor!"
On
the
next
the
penguin
walks
in
and
asks,"
Got
any
nails?
"No."
Replies
the
teller.
"Got
any
grapes!"
The
penguin
asks!
82
"I
got
that
job
down
the
bowling
alley",
"What
tenpin",
"No
it's
permanent"
83
A
man
goes
into
the
doctor
with
a
penguin
on
his
head.
The
doctor
says
"What
can
I
do
for
you?"
and
the
penguin
says
"well
doc,
it
started
as
this
growth
on
my
foot..."
84
A
man
goes
to
the
doctor
and
says
"Doctor,
it
hurts
when
I
do
this",
and
raises
his
arm.
"Well,
don't
do
it
then",
says
the
doctor.
86
Q:
Did
you
hear
about
the
Ice
Cream
Sales
man
that
was
found
dead
in
his
store
covered
in
chocolate
sauce
and
syrup?
A:
Police
think
he
topped
himself!
87
How
many
surrealists
does
it
take
to
change
a
light
bulb?
2
-­‐
1
to
hold
the
giraffe
and
one
to
fill
the
bathtub
with
brightly
coloured
machine
tools.

5. 88
Three
vampires
are
sitting
at
a
bar.
Bartender
asks
the
first
one
what
he
wants.
"I
think
I'll
have
a
glass
of
blood."
"Okay,
what'll
you
have?"
he
asks
the
second
vampire.
"That
sounds
good.
I'll
have
a
glass
of
blood
too."
"And
what
can
I
get
for
you?"
he
asks
the
third
vampire.
"I'll
have
a
glass
of
plasma"
said
the
third
vampire.
"Okay,"
said
the
bartender,
"That's
two
bloods
and
a
blood
light,
then."
89
A
polar
bear
walks
into
a
bar
and
the
barman
says,
"what
would
you
like
to
drink?".
The
polar
bear
hangs
his
head
and
sighs
deeply
and
then
sayss
"I'll
have
a
pint
of
bitter
barman".
The
barman
looks
at
the
bear
and
says
"why
the
big
paws?"
90
What
does
an
agnostic,
dyslexic,
insomniac
do?
Stays
up
all
night
wondering
if
there
is
a
Dog.
91
A
termite
walks
into
a
cocktail
lounge,
and
asks
a
customer,
"Is
the
bartender
here?"
92
A
man
goes
to
the
vet
about
his
dog's
fleas.
The
vet
says
"I'm
sorry,
I'll
have
to
put
this
dog
down".
The
man
is
incredulous
and
asks
why,
and
the
vet
says
"because
he
is
far
too
heavy."
93
An
Englishman,
an
Irishman
and
a
scotsman
walk
into
a
bar,
the
barman
asks,"
Is
this
a
joke?"
94
A
guy
goes
to
the
Doctors
and
he
says
"Doctor,
I'm
really
worried
about
my
brother,
he
thinks
he's
a
Hen!"
The
Doctor
says
"well
have
you
taken
him
to
see
a
psychiatrist?",
and
the
guy
says
"Don't
be
stupid,
we
need
the
eggs!"
95
A
group
of
Chess
enthusiasts
were
kicked
out
of
a
hotel
reception
for
discussing
their
winning
games.
The
manager
can't
stand
chess
nuts
boasting
in
an
open
foyer.
96
A
brain
and
a
pair
of
jumpleads
walks
into
a
bar.
The
brain
orders
two
pints
from
the
barman
but
the
barman
refuses
to
serve
him.
When
asked
why,
the
barman
replies
"
Well
you're
clearly
out
of
your
head,
and
your
friend
there
looks
as
if
he's
about
to
start
something"
97
The
police
arrested
two
men,
one
for
drinking
battery
acid
and
the
other
for
eating
fire
crackers.
They
charged
one
and
let
the
other
one
off.
98
A
man
went
to
a
horse
breeder
and
said,
I
want
that
horse.
The
breeder
said
that
horse
aint
looking
so
good,
but
the
man
still
wanted
to
buy
it,
so
he
did.
The
next
day
he
came
back
with
the
horse
and
said,
you
sold
me
a
blind
horse,
the
breeder
replied
I
told
you
that
horse
aint
looking
so
good
99
Two
hikers
were
walking
through
the
woods
when
they
noticed
a
bear
charging
towards
them
in
the
distance.
The
first
hiker
removed
his
trail
boots
and
began
to
lace
up
his

6. running
shoes.
The
second
hiker
laughed
and
said,
"Why
bother
changing
out
of
your
boots?
You
can't
outrun
a
bear."
The
first
hiker
replied,
"I
don't
have
to
outrun
the
bear,
I
only
have
to
outrun
you."
100
Before
you
criticize
someone,
walk
a
mile
in
their
shoes.
Then
when
you
do
criticize
them,
you'll
be
a
mile
away
and
have
their
shoes.
101
A
man
on
a
business
trip
is
staying
in
a
high-­‐rise
hotel
with
a
bar
on
the
top
floor.
After
checking
in
and
seeing
his
room,
he
decides
to
go
upstairs.
There's
only
one
other
patron
in
the
bar.
The
businessman
orders
a
drink
and
then
watches
in
surprise
as
the
other
patron
quickly
eats
an
orange,
chugs
his
beer,
and
jumps
out
the
window.
A
minute
later,
the
man
returns.
The
businessman
is
shocked
to
see
him
again
eat
an
orange,
chug
his
beer
and
then
jump
out
the
window.
When
the
man
returns
a
third
time,
the
businessman
decides
he
can
do
this,
too.
He
eats
an
orange,
chugs
his
beer,
then
jumps
out
the
window
to
his
death.
The
bartender
turns
to
the
man
and
says,
"You
know,
Superman,
you're
a
real
jerk
when
you're
drunk."
102
How
many
surrealists
does
it
take
to
change
a
lightbulb?
Two,
one
to
do
it,
and
another
to
hold
the
fish.
103
As
a
funeral
train
passes
by
a
golf
course,
a
golfer
on
one
of
the
greens
stops,
stands
at
attention
with
hat
held
over
his
heart
as
the
hearse
goes
by.
Then
he
goes
back
to
lining
up
his
putt.
His
playing
partner
remarks
how
that
was
the
nicest
gesture
he'd
ever
seen,
to
show
such
respect
for
the
dead.
The
first
golfer
sinks
his
putt
and
says,
"Well,
she
was
a
good
wife
for
sixteen
years."
104
A
woman
has
twin
boys
and
gives
them
up
for
adoption.
One
goes
to
a
family
in
Egypt,
and
is
named
"Amahl."
The
other
goes
to
a
family
in
Spain
and
is
named
"Juan."
Years
later,
Juan
sends
a
picture
of
himself
to
his
birth
mom.
Upon
receiving
the
picture,
she
tells
her
husband
that
she
wishes
she
also
had
a
picture
of
Amahl.
Her
husband
responds,
"But
they
are
identical
twins.
If
you've
seen
Juan,
you've
seen
Amahl.
105
What
do
you
call
a
boomerang
that
doesn't
come
back?
A
stick.
106
Man
walking
down
the
street
meets
a
friend
who
has
a
lobster
tucked
under
his
arm.
"Are
you
taking
that
lobster
home
to
dinner?"
he
asks.
"No,"
says
friend,
"he's
had
his
dinner
and
now
I'm
taking
him
to
the
pictures".
107
A
man
is
sat
at
home
watching
T.V.
when
he
hears
a
knock
at
the
door.
The
man
gets
up
and
answers
the
door,
to
his
astonishment
there
is
a
snail
at
the
door.
The
snail
says
"can
i
sell
you
some
double
glazing."
To
which
the
man
replies
"no"
and
kicks
him
down
the
street.
Two
weeks
later
there
is
another
knock
at
the
door.
The
man
answers
it
and
it
is
the
snail
again.
The
snail
then
say
"what
did
you
do
that
for
then."

7. 108
Patient:
"Doctor,
Doctor
I
think
I'm
a
pair
of
curtains."
Doctor:
"Pull
yourself
together
man."
109
Patient:
Dr,
Dr
-­‐
I
can't
get
this
song
out
of
my
head
and
it's
driving
me
mad.
I
can't
stop
humming
"It's
Good
to
Touch
the
Green
Green
Grass
of
Home"
Doctor:
"Hmm,
sounds
like
Tom
Jones
Syndrome"
Patient
"
Never
heard
of
it"
Doctor
"Well
it's
not
unusual
..."
110
Extra
strong
mint
and
Mars
bar
are
having
a
drink
in
the
pub.
Extra
strong
mint
says
to
Mars
Bar,
`I'm
the
hardest
mint
in
town
me!
No-­‐one's
harder
than
me!'.
With
that,
the
bar
doors
swing
open
and
in
walks
a
Halls
mint.
Mars
bar
turns
around
and
extra
strong
mint
is
quivering
under
the
table.
Mars
bar
says,
`Hang
on
a
minute,
I
thought
you
were
the
hardest
mint
in
town?!'.
Extra
strong
mint
says,
`I
might
be
hard,
but
he's
menthal!'
111
Q.
Why
do
cows
have
bells
A.
Because
there
horns
dont
work
112
Three
American
Indian
women
in
the
wild
west
are
about
to
give
birth.
One
is
lying
on
a
buffalo
skin;
one
is
lying
on
a
moose
skin;
and
one
is
lying
on
a
hippopotamus
skin.
The
first
woman
gives
birth
to
a
boy.
The
second
gives
birth
to
a
girl.
And
the
third
gives
birth
to
a
boy
and
a
girl.
And
this
proves
.
.
.
the
squaw
of
the
hide
of
the
hippopotamus
is
equal
to
the
sum
of
the
squaws
of
the
other
two
hides!
113
Guy
walks
into
the
doctor's
with
a
strawberry
growing
out
of
his
head.
Doctor
says
'I
can
give
you
some
cream
for
that'.
114
A
man
goes
to
a
diner.
On
the
menu
it
says,
"Breakfast
Served
Anytime"
so,
when
the
waitress
comes
he
orders
French
Toast
during
the
Renaissance!
115
Q:
What
happens
to
Composers
when
they
die.
A:
They
decompose
116
2
atoms
were
talking,
1
atom
said
to
the
other
"why
are
you
crying?"
the
atom
replied
"I've
lost
an
electron",
the
first
atom
said
"are
you
sure?",
"yes"
replied
the
other
"I'm
positive!"
117
Two
men
jump
out
of
a
plane.
One
is
holding
a
Budgerigar,
the
other
is
holding
a
Parrot
and
a
shot-­‐gun.
As
they
fall
away
from
the
plane
the
man
holding
the
budgie
lets
it
go.
A
moment
later
the
man
with
the
Parrot
lets
go
of
his
bird
and
takes
a
lame
shot
at
it
with
the
shotgun.
They
both
hit
the
floor.
In
their
dying
moments,
one
turns
to
the
other
and
says,
"I
don't
think
much
of
this
Budgiejumping"
The
other
dying
man
turns
to
him
and
replies,
"No,
i
don't
think
much
of
this
high
altitude
paratchuting!."

8.
118
I
drunk
driver
is
stop
for
heading
the
wrong
way
on
a
one-­‐way
street.
The
police
officer
asked
the
driver
didn't
you
see
the
arrows.
The
drink
responds,
"Arrows,
I
couldn't
even
see
the
Indians.
119
A
man
took
his
dog
to
the
vet.
"Sorry,"
said
the
vet,
"but
your
dog
is
dead".
Distraught
man
asks
the
vet
for
a
second
opinion-­‐-­‐
the
vet
brings
in
the
practice
cat.
Cat
sniffs
around-­‐-­‐
no
response
from
dog.
Vet
says
"sorry,
but
your
dog
is
dead".
Man
insists
on
a
third
opinion,
so
vet
brings
in
the
practice
labrador.
Practice
dog
sniffs
around-­‐-­‐no
response
from
man's
dog.
Reluctantly
the
man
accepts
his
dog
is
dead.
On
the
way
out,
the
receptionist
gives
him
a
bill
for
£1000.
"Good
grief,what
is
this
for?
"Well,
said
the
receptionist,
"it's
£50
for
the
vet,
£300
for
the
catscan
and
£600
for
the
lab
report.
120
what
game
do
you
play
with
a
wombat?
answer
-­‐
wom
121
a
man
walks
into
a
shop
and
says
"i'd
like
to
buy
a
wasp,
please."
the
shopkeeper
replies
"i'm
sorry,
sir,
we
don't
sell
wasps."
"but,"
says
the
man
"you
have
one
in
the
window."
122
A
white
horse
walked
into
a
pub
and
ordered
a
lager.
The
landlord
put
the
drink
on
the
bar
and
said
'We've
got
a
whisky
named
after
you'.
The
horse
replied
'what,
Eric?'.
123
While
robbing
a
home,
a
burglar
hears
someone
say,
"Jesus
is
watching
you."
To
his
relief,
he
realizes
it
is
just
a
parrot
mimicking
something
it
had
heard.
The
burglar
asks
the
parrot,
"What's
your
name?"
The
parrot
says,
"Moses."
The
burglar
goes
on
to
ask,
"What
kind
of
a
person
names
their
parrot
Moses?"
The
parrot
replies,
"The
same
kind
of
person
that
names
his
Rottweiler
Jesus."
124
How
many
psychiatrists
does
it
take
to
change
a
light
bulb?
Only
one,
but
the
light
bulb's
got
to
want
to
change.
125
Where
can
you
find
a
Mozambique.
On
a
mozam-­‐bird!
126
Q:
What's
brown
and
sticky?
A:
A
stick.
127
A
man
gets
knocked
down
by
a
truck.
A
guy
says
to
him
are
you
comfortable.
He
says
I
make
a
living!
128
Why
does
a
chicken
coop
have
2
doors?
Because
if
had
4
doors
it
would
be
a
chicken
sedan.
129
Q.
Where
do
you
keep
a
baby
ape?

9. A.
In
an
apricot.
130
What
do
you
call
a
cow
in
a
paddock
with
only
two
right
legs...
Lean
Beef
131
Kid
"Mummy!
Mummy!
There
is
a
man
with
a
bill
at
the
door"
Mother
"Dont
be
silly
dear,
it
must
be
a
duck
with
a
hat
on!"
132
Q:
What
do
you
call
a
fly
with
no
wings?
A:
A
walk
133
A
shipwreck
survivor
washes
up
on
the
beach
of
an
island
and
is
immediately
surrounded
by
a
group
of
native
warriors.
"I'm
done
for",
the
man
cries
in
despair.
"No
you
are
not,"
comes
a
booming
voice
from
the
heavens.
"Listen
carefully,
and
do
exactly
as
I
say.
Grab
the
spear
from
the
one
who
is
beside
you
and
shove
it
through
the
heart
of
the
chief."
The
man
does
so,
and
the
remainder
of
the
band
stare
in
disbelief.
"Now,
what?"
the
man
asks
the
heavens.
"Now,
you
are
done
for."
134
Two
caterpillars
were
crawling
along
a
leaf
when
a
butterfly
flew
past
overhead.
One
caterpillar
turned
to
the
other
one
and
said:
"You'll
never
get
me
up
in
one
of
those
things
!"
135
A
man
walks
into
a
chip
and
asks
for
fish
and
chips
twice
please.
The
man
behind
the
counter
says
"I
heard
you
the
first
time"
136
I
was
in
the
waiting
room
of
my
doctor's
office
the
other
day
when
the
doctor
started
yelling,
"Typhoid!
Tetanus!
Measles!"
I
went
up
to
the
nurse
and
asked
her
what
the
hell
was
going
on.
She
told
me
that
the
doctor
liked
to
call
the
shots.
137
Why
is
a
tractor
magic?
Because
it
can
go
down
a
road
and
turn
into
a
field!
138
?Sally,
can
you
spell
?water?
for
me??
The
teacher
asked.
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
0
answered
Sally
promptly
Her
teacher
look
puzzled.
?That
doesn?t
spell
?water.??
?Sure
it
does,?
said
Sally.
?It?s
all
the
letters
from
H
to
O.?
139
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
notices
two
pieces
of
beef
nailed
to
the
ceiling.
He
asks
the
barman
why
they're
there.
"It's
a
competition.
If
you
can
climb
up
there
and
get
those
bits
of
meat
down
you'll
get
free
drinks
all
night.
But
if
you
try
and
fail
then
you'll
have
to
buy
a
round
for
everyone
in
the
pub.
Do
you
fancy
having
a
go?"
The
man
has
a
long,
hard
look
at
the
ceiling
before
saying,
"No,
I'll
just
have
a
pint
thanks.
The
steaks
are
too
high."

10. 140
Close
your
eyes.
Dark
isn't
it?
141
Why
did
Ludwig
v.
Beethoven
kill
his
two
ducks?
-­‐
They
wouldn't
stop
saying
"Bach
bach"
all
the
time..
142
What
is
green
and
if
it
were
to
fall
from
a
tree
would
kill
you?
A
snooker
table
143
why
don't
polar
bears
eat
penguines?
because
they
can't
get
the
wrappers
off...
144
A
skeleton
walks
into
a
pub
and
says,
"Pint
of
bitter
and
a
mop."
152
Doctor,
Doctor,
I
can?t
pronounce
my
F?s,
T?s
and
H?s.?
?Well
you
can?t
say
fairer
than
that
then?
154
What
did
the
bird
say
as
it
flew
over
ASDA?
"Cheap
Cheap"
155
For
a
laugh
three
french
soldiers
put
mustard
in
their
ears
from
then
on
they
are
called
the
three
mustardears!!!
156
A
blonde
girl's
husband
buys
her
a
mobile
phone.
She
takes
it
out
and
he
decides
to
test
it
out.
He
phones
her
and
she
answers
it.
"It's
very
good,"
she
says,
"but
how
did
you
know
I
was
at
the
hairdressers?"
157
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
orders
a
pint.
Then
he
hears
little
voices
saying
things
like
'Oooh,
you
look
really
nice'
and
'That
haircut
really
suits
you'.
He
tells
the
barman
about
it
who
says
'Just
ignore
it,
it's
the
peanuts,
they're
complimentary'.
195
AN
ardvark
walks
into
a
bar
and
the
bartender
says
why
the
long
face.
196
a
worried
man
goes
to
see
his
priest.
"Father,
I
am
worried.
I
think
that
my
wife
is
trying
to
poison
me."
Said
the
priest:
"Hold
on
my
son,
let
me
talk
to
your
wife
and
come
back
to
see
me
tomorrow,
then
I
shall
be
able
to
give
you
some
advice."
The
following
day
the
man
aging
comed
to
his
priest
who
tells
him:
"Well
my
son,
I
have
talked
to
your
wife
for
nearly
two
hours.
My
advise
to
you
is
:Take
the
poison"
197
Q.
Why
did
the
koala
fall
out
of
the
tree?
A.
Because
it
was
dead
Q.
Why
did
the
second
koala
fall
out
of
the
tree?
A.
Because
it
was
holding
on
to
the
first
koala.
Q.
Why
did
the
third
koala
fall
out
of
the
tree?
A.
Because
he
thought
it
was
a
game.
Q.
Why
did
the
little
boy
fall
off
his
bike?
A.
Because
he
was
hit
by
three
koalas.
198
A
horse
walks
into
a
bar,
the
bartender
turns
&
asks
the
horse
whats
with
the
long
face.

11. 199
An
Englishman,
an
Australian
and
an
American
walk
into
a
bar.
The
barman
asks
them
"is
this
a
joke?"
200
A
man
put
on
a
clean
pair
of
socks
every
day
of
the
week.
By
Friday
he
could
hardly
get
his
shoes
on.
201
How
many
psychiatrists
does
it
take
to
change
a
light
bulb?
Just
one
-­‐-­‐
but
the
light
bulb
really
has
to
want
to
change.
202
What
do
you
get
when
you
pour
boiling
water
down
a
rabbit
hole?
Hot
cross
bunnies.
203
Did
you
hear
about
the
termite
who
walked
into
an
all-­‐wooden
bar
and
asked,
"Is
the
bartender
here?"
204
The
doctor
says
to
the
patient,
"You're
in
excellent
health
-­‐
you'll
live
to
be
90."
The
patient
replies,
"But
Doctor,
I
am
90!"
The
doctore
responds,
"Well,
that's
it,
then."
205
there
are
3
wives
who
want
to
decide
what
to
wear.
first
one
says
,my
husband
has
black
hair
I
will
wera
black
dree.
second
says
my
husband
hair
is
grey
and
I
will
wear
a
grey
dress
and
the
third
one
gets
worried
and
starts
panicking.
when
asked
she
tells
the
other
two
that
her
husband
is
bald
so
she
would
have
to
wear
nothing
to
the
party.
206
What
will
Postman
Pat
be
called
when
he
retires?
Pat
207
Why
did
the
monkey
fall
out
of
the
tree?
answer:
he
was
dead
208
A
pork
Pie
walks
into
a
Pub
and
says
'Ill
have
a
pint
please',to
which
the
landlord
replies
-­‐
'sorry
we
dont
serve
food'.
209
A
man
took
his
Rottweiler
to
the
vet
and
said
to
him,
"My
dogs
cross-­‐eyed.
Is
there
anything
you
can
do
for
it?"
"Well",
said
the
vet,
"Let's
have
a
look
at
him."
So
he
picks
the
dog
up
by
the
ears
and
has
a
good
look
at
its
eyes.
"Well,"
Says
the
vet,
"I'm
going
to
have
to
put
him
down."
"Just
because
he's
cross-­‐eyed?"
said
the
man.
"No,
because
he's
heavy,"
said
the
vet.
210
George
Howard,
the
man
famous
for
writing
the
Hokey
Polky
died
last
week.
They
had
a
horrible
time
at
the
funeral
parlor,
first
they
put
his
left
leg
in....
211
A
man
died
and
his
wife
phoned
the
newspaper
to
place
an
obituary.
She
called
the
obituary
department
and
said,
"This
is
what
I
want
to
print:
Bernie
is
dead."
The
man
at
the

12. newspaper
said,
"But
for
$25
you
are
allowed
to
print
six
words."
The
woman
answered,
"OK.
Then
print:
Bernie
is
dead.
Toyota
for
sale."
212
Sadie's
husband
Jake
has
been
slipping
in
and
out
of
a
coma
for
several
months,
yet
his
faithful
wife
stays
by
his
bedside
day
and
night.
One
night,
Jake
comes
to
and
motions
for
her
to
come
closer.
He
says,
"My
Sadie,
you
have
been
with
me
through
all
the
bad
times.
When
I
got
fired,
you
were
there
to
support
me.
When
my
business
failed,
you
were
there.
When
I
got
shot,
you
were
by
my
side.
When
we
lost
the
house,
you
gave
me
support.
When
my
health
started
failing,
you
were
still
by
my
side.
You
know
what,
Sadie?"
"What
dear?"
she
asked
gently.
"I
think
you're
bad
luck."
213
A
little
boy
went
up
to
his
father
and
asked:
"Dad,
where
did
all
of
my
intelligence
come
from?"
The
father
replied:
"Well,
son,
you
must
have
gotten
it
from
your
mother,
'cause
I
still
have
mine."
214
Why
is
the
number
eight
afraid
of
the
number
seven?
Because
seven
ate
nine.
215
A
neutron
walks
into
a
bar,
and
says
"Give
me
a
beer."
The
bartender
says
"Hey!
Neutron!
For
you
-­‐
no
charge!"
216
One
morning,
a
girl
says
to
her
mum,
"Does
God
use
our
bathroom?"
Her
mum
replies,
"No
dear,
why
do
you
ask?"
The
little
girl
says,
"Well,
every
morning
daddy
says
'Oh
God,
are
you
still
in
there!"
217
A
man
driving
into
town
spots
a
truck
broken
down
on
the
side
of
the
road.
He
stops
to
help.
The
truck
driver
says
he
is
on
his
way
to
deliver
some
penguins
to
the
zoo.
The
truck
driver
say,
"I'll
give
you
some
cash
if
you
could
take
the
penguins
to
the
zoo
for
me."
The
man
agrees.
Later,
when
the
truck
is
fixed,the
truck
driver
drives
into
townand
spots
the
man
close
to
the
zoo,
walking
with
a
row
of
pengiuns
waddling
behind
him,
away
from
the
zoo.
The
truck
driver
stops
and
asks,
"What
are
you
doing?
I
gave
you
money
to
take
the
penguins
to
the
zoo?"
The
man
replies.,
"I
did
,
but
we
got
change
so
we're
going
to
the
movies!"
218
Where
do
sheep
get
their
haircut?
At
the
Bah-­‐Bah-­‐Shop.
219
What
do
you
get
if
you
cross
frosty
the
snowman
with
count
dracula?
Frostbite
220
Did
you
hear
about
the
two
maggots
who
were
fighting
in
dead
Earnest?
221
What
do
you
call
a
woodpecker
without
a
beak?
A
Head
banger
222
were
do
computers
go
on
hoilday
?
the
big
apple

13.
223
Q:
How
do
you
catch
a
unique
rabbit?
A:
Unique
up
on
it.
Q:
How
do
you
catch
a
tame
rabbit?
A:
The
tame
way.
224
why
did
the
chicken
cross
the
road?
To
get
to
the
other
side...
225
Two
sailors
are
eating
biscuits
together.
One
breaks
a
biscuit
and
two
bugs,
one
large
and
one
small,
jump
out
and
run
across
the
table.
The
sailor
asks
his
mate,
"Now,
is
it
better
to
eat
the
big
one
or
the
small
one?"
The
other
replied,
"The
answer
is
simple:
you
must
always
choose
the
lesser
of
two
weevils."
226
Did
you
hear
about
the
dyslexic,
agnostic
insomniac?
He
lies
awake
all
night
long,
wondering
if
there
really
is
a
dog.
227
What
did
the
Buddhist
say
to
the
hot
dog
vendor?
"Make
me
one
with
everything."
228
what
did
the
0
say
to
the
8?
Nice
belt!
229
Where
would
you
find
a
tortoise
with
no
legs
?
Wherever
you
left
it
230
Why
did
the
squirrel
fall
out
of
the
tree?
It
was
dead.
Why
did
the
second
squirrel
fall
out
of
the
tree?
It
thought
it
was
a
game.
Why
did
the
tree
fall
over?
It
thought
it
was
a
squirrel!
231
A
sandwich
walks
into
a
bar
and
orders
a
beer
and
the
barman
says
"I'm
sorry
we
don't
serve
food"
232
What's
brown
and
sits
on
a
piano
bench?
Answer:
Beethoven's
Last
Movement
233
Bob
is
sitting
in
a
bar
next
to
a
guy
named
Clark.
Clark
gets
his
usual
and
drains
it
he
then
turns
to
Bob
and
says,
"I
bet
you
I
can
jump
of
the
roof
and
loat
to
the
ground."
Bob
says
"okay
go
for
it."
So
clark
jumps
and
floats
to
the
ground.
So
Bob
orders
what
clark
just
had
and
tries
to
jump
and
float.
So
he
jumps
and
SPLAT
he
hits
the
ground
and
dies.
Clark
walks
back
in
the
bar
and
the
barkeep
says
"You
know
Superman
you're
really
mean
when
your
drunk!"
Rimshot!!

14. 234
Did
you
hear
that
they
dug
up
Beethoven's
body
last
week?
They
found
him
decomposing.
235
what
do
an
eagle
and
a
lion
have
in
common?
they
both
have
wings,
except
for
the
lion.
236
how
do
you
get
a
pikachu
onto
a
bus?
you
pokemon
237
Why
did
the
worker
get
fired
from
the
orange
juice
factory?
Because
he
couldn't
concentrate
238
What
do
you
call
a
donkey
with
three
legs?
A
wonkey.
239
What
do
you
call
a
man
in
a
bush?
Russell.
240
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
says-­‐
"ouch
thats
hot",
It
was
a
BARbeque.
241
Theres
a
toilet
on
a
hill.
There
is
a
man
walking
up
the
hill
and
a
man
walking
down
and
a
man
in
the
toilet.
What
are
there
nationalitys?
the
man
going
up
is
Russin
and
the
man
going
down
is
finishan
and
the
man
in
the
toilet
is
european.
242
Q.
Why
did
the
chicken
cross
the
playground?
A.
To
get
to
the
other
slide.
243
what
do
mexicans
keep
under
the
carpet?
Underlay!
Underlay!
Underlay!
244
Newspaper
Headline:
Man
who
commits
suicide
twice
is
sentenced
to
life
in
prison.
245
Q:
What
is
red
and
looks
like
a
bucket?
A:
A
Red
bucket!
Q:
What
is
blue
and
looks
like
a
bucket
A:
A
Red
bucket
in
disguise!
246
Q:
What
is
gray?
A:
A
melted
penguin!
247
Q.
What's
the
difference
between
a
buffalo
and
a
bison?
A.
You
can't
wash
your
hands
in
a
buffalo.
248
Why
did
the
monkey
fall
out
of
the
tree?
It
was
dead.
Why
did
the
squirrel
fall
out
of
the
tree?
It
was
stapled
to
the
monkey.

15.
249
A
man
driving
on
a
highway
is
pulled
over
by
a
police
officer.
The
officer
asks,
"Did
you
know
your
wife
and
children
fell
out
of
your
car
a
kilometre
back?".
A
smile
creeps
onto
the
man's
face
and
he
exclaims,
"Thank
God!
I
thought
I
was
going
deaf!"
250
Q:
where
is
a
cemetery
located
in
any
town?
A:
In
the
Dead
center
of
it!
251
A
couple
of
New
Jersey
hunters
are
out
in
the
woods
when
one
of
them
falls
to
the
ground.
He
doesn't
seem
to
be
breathing,
his
eyes
are
rolled
back
in
his
head.
The
other
guy
whips
out
his
cell
phone
and
calls
911.
He
gasps
to
the
operator,
"My
friend
is
dead!
What
can
I
do?"
The
operator,
in
a
calm
soothing
voice
says,
"Just
take
it
easy.
I
can
help.
First,
let's
make
sure
he's
dead."
There
is
a
silence,
then
a
shot
is
heard.
The
guy's
voice
comes
back
on
the
line.
He
says,
"OK,
now
what?"
252
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
says
ouch!!!
Get
it?
253
baby
polar
bear
asks
its
dad,
'am
i
a
black
bear?'
'no'
says
dad.
'am
i
a
grizzly
bear?'
'no,
you're
a
polar
bear.
go
ask
your
mother,
son.'
baby
polar
bear
asks
its
mum,
'am
i
a
brown
bear,
or
a
sun
bear?'
'no',
says
mum.
'am
i
a
black
bear
or
a
koala
bear?'
'no,
you're
a
polar
bear.
why
do
you
ask,
son?'
'because
i
am
so
cold...!'
254
A
newly
ordained
priest
is
nervous
about
hearing
confessions
and
asks
an
older
priest
to
observe
one
of
his
sessions
to
give
him
some
tips.
After
a
few
minutes
of
listening,
the
old
priest
suggests
that
they
have
a
word.
"Iv'e
got
a
few
suggestions,"he
says.
"Try
folding
your
arms
over
your
chest
and
rub
your
chin
with
one
hand."The
new
priest
tries
this.
"Very
good,"
says
his
senior.
"now
try
saing
things
like
'I
see','I
understand'
and
'Yes,
go
on.'"
The
ounger
priest
practises
these
sayings,
too.
"Well
done,"
says
the
older
priest.
"Don't
you
think
that's
better
than
slapping
your
knee
and
saying,
'No
way!what
happened
next?'"
255
Claire:
Knock
Knock
Neil:
Who's
there?
Claire:
An
interrupting
cow
Neil:
An
interrupt..
Claire:
MOO
256
Man
goes
to
the
doctor
and
complains
that
every
time
he
touches
his
foot
he
feels
excruciating
pain.
The
doctor
writes
it
down
and
asks
if
it
gurts
anywhere
else.
To
demonstrate,
the
man
also
touches
his
shin
and
thigh
and
screams
out
with
pain.
Although
the
doctor
examines
tha
man,
he
can
not
diagnose
the
source
of
the
pain
and
refers
him
to
a

16. specialist.
A
few
weeks
later
the
man
returns
and
the
doctor
eagerly
asks
the
man
if
the
specialist
found
out
what
was
wrong.
Yes,
said
the
man.
He
discovered
my
finger
was
broken!
257
What
do
you
call
an
aarvark
that
has
been
beaten
up?
A
vark.
258
What
is
the
difference
between
a
doctor
and
God?
God
doesn't
think
he
is
a
doctor!
259
Why
did
the
whale
jump
out
of
the
water?
To
get
to
the
other
side.
260
Q.
What
did
the
English
policeman
say
when
he
came
home
and
found
his
wife
in
bed
with
three
men?
A.
'Ello.
'Ello.
'Ello!
261
Man
is
looking
down
from
a
plane
as
it
flies
over
the
Pacific
Ocean.
He
turns
to
the
lady
next
to
him
and
asks:
That
island
down
there.
Is
it
pronounced
Hawaii
or
Havaii?
The
woman
replies
Havaii.
The
man
says:
Thank
you.
The
woman
replies:
You're
velcome!
262
Why
did
the
'possum
cross
the
road?
To
get
half-­‐way
across.
Why
did
the
chicken
cross
the
road?
To
show
the
'possum
it
could
be
done.
Why
did
the
anarchist
monkey
cross
the
road?
He
was
stapled
to
the
chicken.
Why
didn't
the
skeleton
cross
the
road?
No
guts.
263
A
man
walks
into
a
restaurant
and
growls
at
the
maitre
d',
"Do
you
serve
crabs
here?"
the
maitre
d'
responds
"We
serve
anyone.
Have
a
seat
sir."
264
In
a
3rd
grade
class
Jonny
was
asked
if
he
knew
what
a
canabil
was.
He
said
to
the
teacher
"no
sir"
"Well,
if
you
ate
your
parents
what
would
you
be?"
Jonny,s
teacher
asked
him
and
Jonny
said
"An
orphen,
sir"
265
Did
you
hear
about
the
rooster
who
stayed
awake
all
night
so
that
he
could
see
where
the
sun
went?
It
finally
dawned
on
him.
266
Two
guys
walk
into
a
bar.
The
third
guy
ducks.
267
What
is
the
new
pirate
movie
rated?
Arrrrrrrrrrr.
268
The
monks
were
busy
in
the
monastery
copying
those
beaytiful
illuminated
manuscripts
that
they
used
to
do
when
one
young
monk
suggested
that
since
they
were
copying
copies
perhaps
it
might
be
timely
to
examine
the
original
to
make
sure
that
their
copies
were
correct.
The
Abbot
agreed
and
sent
the
monk
down
into
the
basement
of
the
monastery
to
find
and
examine
the
original.
The
young
monk
was
away
for
some
time
and
finally
the
abbot
went
to
find
him.
When
he
did
he
found
himmin
tears
and
asked
him
what
was
wrong.
Through
his
tears
the
monk
blurted
out
"The
word
was
celebrate!"

17. 269
Learn
the
rules
so
you
know
how
to
break
them
properly.
270
If
you
never
can
make
things
work
from
the
first
try,
skydiving
is
not
for
you.
271
I
was
getting
forgetful
so
I
went
to
the
neighbors
and
aske
the
husband
what
is
the
name
of
your
mental
doctor
that
you
have
been
braging
about.He
aske
me
what
flower
has
a
long
steam
with
thorns.I
said
a
rose.He
said
thank
you,thank
you,hey
Rose
what
is
the
name
of
my
memory
doctor.
272
Never
wrestle
with
a
pig:
You
both
get
all
dirty,
and
the
pig
likes
it.
273
I
have
seen
the
truth
and
it
makes
no
sense.
274
A
man
ran
into
the
house
breathless
and
he
said
to
his
wife,
"Honey,
you
should
be
so
proud
of
me,
I
just
saved
$1.50
by
not
taking
the
bus,
but
I
chased
it
all
the
way
home-­‐
The
wife
replied,
"You
want
a
medal
for
that?-­‐You
should
have
chased
a
cab
and
saved
yourself
15!
275
A
duck
walks
into
a
pharmacy.
He
says,
"I'd
like
a
chapstick."
The
pharmacist
hands
him
the
chapstick
and
asks,
"will
that
be
cash
or
charge?"
The
duck
replies,
"just
put
it
on
my
bill."
276
There
are
two
fish
in
a
tank.
The
first
fish
says
to
the
second
fish:
"How
the
hell
do
we
drive
this
thing?"
277
Helicopters
can't
really
fly
-­‐
they're
just
so
ugly
that
the
earth
immediately
repels
them.
278
whats
brown
and
sticky?
a
stick
279
Why
did
the
monkey
fall
out
of
the
tree?
It
was
dead.
280
Did
you
hear
about
the
maniac
riding
on
the
subways
chopping
peoples
arms
off?
The
police
caught
him
and
charged
him
with
armed
robbery!
281
A
biology
student
had
to
write
a
computer
program,
but
he
had
troubles
to
make
it
work.
He
asked
his
roommate,
who
was
a
computer
science
major,
to
look
at
his
programm
and
tell
him
where
the
error
is.
The
computer
guy
looked
through
the
code
for
some
time,
then
glanced
desperately
at
his
friend
and
said:
"In
DNA".
282
What
do
you
call
a
cow
with
no
legs?
Ground
beef.
283
How
can
you
tell
the
difference
between
a
dead
cat
in
the
road
or
a
dead
lawyer
in
the
road?
The
dead
cat
has
tread
marks.

18.
284
Well,
you
see,
there
are
basically
three
kinds
of
people
in
the
world.
Those
who
can
count
and
those
that
can't.
285
-­‐
Can
you
swim?
-­‐
Some
times.
-­‐
What
do
you
mean
by
"some
times"?
-­‐
Only
when
I'm
in
the
water.
286
A
man
walks
into
a
psychiatrist's
office
dressed
only
in
saran
wrap.
The
psychologist
takes
one
look
at
him
and
says,
"I
can
clearly
see
you're
nuts."
287
Why
did
the
monkey
fall
out
of
the
tree?
He
was
dead.
Why
did
the
second
monkey
fall
out
of
the
tree?
He
was
stapled
to
the
first
monkey.
Why
did
the
third
monkey
fall
out
of
the
tree?
Peer
pressure.
288
First
magician:
"Who
was
that
lady
I
sawed
with
you
last
night?"
Second
magician:
"That
was
no
lady;
that
was
my
half-­‐sister!"
289
Why
does
a
golfer
bring
two
pairs
of
pants
when
he
plays
golf?
A
Incase
he
gets
a
hole
in
one.
290
whats
a
good
parting
gift?
A
comb
291
Knock
knock
Who's
there?
Dishwasher
Dishwasher
who?
Dish
wash
er
way
i
spoke
until
i
got
my
false
teeth
292
How
do
you
make
a
hankichief
dance?
Put
a
little
bogey
in
it.
293
How
do
you
hide
an
elephant
in
a
cherry
tree?
You
paint
its
toenails
red!
294
What
is
read
white
and
black
all
over?
A
used
newspaper!
295
Did
you
hear
about
the
two
atennae
that
got
married?
The
wedding
wasn't
very
good,
but
the
reception
was
teriffic!
296
a
guy
takes
his
nasty
dog
for
a
walk
every
night
and
manages
to
beat
up
another
dog
every
night.
one
night
while
walking
his
dog
he
comes
upon
this
guy
walking
a
yellow
dog,
he
unleases
his
nasty
dog
saying
"go
get
him
boy",
as
he
runs
up
to
the
yellow
dog,
the
yellow
dog
grabs
him
by
the
neck,
shakes
him
a
couple
of
times,
flips
him
over
and
breakes
his
neck

19. and
the
nasty
dog
is
dead.
the
owner
of
the
nasty
dog
says
wow!
thats
the
first
time
in
two
years
that
my
dog
has
lost
a
fight,
what
kind
of
dog
do
you
have?
the
other
guy
says
"
before
i
cut
off
his
tail
and
painted
him
yellow,
he
used
to
be
an
alligater!!!
297
The
man
had
gone
to
the
dentist
for
his
annual
checkup.
The
dentist
asked
the
man
if
he
had
been
eating
anything
over
the
past
few
months
that
was
not
ordinarily
in
his
diet.
The
man
said,
"Why
yes,
I
have
as
a
matter
of
fact.
My
wife
developed
a
new
receipt
for
hollandise
sauce
that
is
just
terrific
and
I
have
been
putting
it
on
almost
everything
that
I
eat."
"Well",
said
the
dentist,
"I'm
afraid
that
the
acid
in
the
lemon
juice
used
in
the
hollandise
sauce
has
started
to
corrode
your
dental
plate.
I'll
have
to
make
you
a
new
plate.
But
this
time,
I'll
make
it
out
of
chrome."
"Out
of
chrome!"
exclaimed
the
man.
"Why
would
you
do
that?".
"Because,"
said
the
dentist........"as
everyone
knows"......"there's
no
plate
like
chrome
for
the
hollandise"
298
Why
dont
English
rugby
players
get
vaccinated
before
touring?
they
never
catch
anything.
299
Q:Why
can't
two
elephants
go
swimming
at
the
same
time?
A:Because
they
only
have
one
pair
of
trunks!
300
Q:-­‐How
many
surrealists
does
it
take
to
change
a
lightbulb?
A:-­‐Fish.
301
A
length
of
Rope
went
into
a
bar,
sat
on
a
stool,
and
ordered
a
beer.
The
Bartender
said,
"We
don't
serve
Ropes
here."
Dismayed
and
disappointed,
the
Rope
went
out
and
then
got
an
idea.
He
stopped
a
man
and
asked,
"Will
you
please
tie
a
knot
in
me
and
separate
my
strands
at
both
ends?".
The
man
obliged,
and
with
this
done,
the
Rope
went
back
into
the
bar
and
again
ordered
a
beer.
The
Bartender
looked
him
over
and
said,
"Say,
aren't
you
the
same
rope
who
was
in
here
before?!"
"No,"
was
the
reply,
"I'm
a
frayed
knot."
304
Q.
Why
did
the
ram
jump
over
the
cliff?
A.
He
didn't
see
the
ewe
turn.
305
Why
do
bees
hum
?
Because
they
don't
know
the
words
306
Two
not
so
bright
people
walking
along
one
day.
One
says
'Horse
tracks!',
the
other
disagrees,
'Rabbit
tracks
I
think'
just
before
the
train
hit
them!
307
Whats
ET
short
for?
Because
he's
got
little
legs!
308
a
bear
walks
into
a
bar
and
says
"Can
I
have
a
pint
of
lager
and................................................a
packet
of
crisps
please?"
the
barman
says
"Why
the
big
pause"

20. 309
Did
you
read
about
the
midget
clarivoyant
who
escaped
from
jail?
The
headline
said
"small
medium
at
large."
310
How
many
psychiatrists
does
it
take
to
change
a
lightbulb?
Only
one,
but
the
lightbulb's
gonna
want
to
change.
311
A
penguin
walks
ito
a
bar
and
asks
the
barman
"have
you
seen
my
brother?"
the
barman
replies
"I
dunno,
What
does
he
look
like?"
312
There
was
a
husband
and
his
wife
sitting
next
to
a
drunk
in
a
bar.
Suddenly
the
drunk
stands
up
and
yells,
"ATTENTION
ALL"
and
farts
loudly.
The
wife
is
extremely
embarrassed,
and
the
husband
looks
at
the
drunk
and
says"
Excuse
me,
you
just
farted
before
my
wife."
The
drunks
replies,"
I'm
sorry
I
didn't
know
it
was
her
turn."
313
Why
did
the
tomato
turn
red?
She/He
saw
the
salad
dressing!
314
What
do
you
call
a
deer
with
no
eyes?
No
idear.
315
A
guy
walks
in
to
his
psychiatrists
office
and
says"
Doc
you
got
to
help
me,
One
night
I
dream
I'm
a
tepee
and
the
next
night
i
dream
that
i
am
a
wigwam."
The
doctor
say's,"
relax,
you're
two
tents."
316
What
do
you
call
a
deer
with
no
eyes
and
no
legs?
Still
no
idear.
317
"Doc,
I
can't
stop
singing
the
green
green
grass
of
home"
"that
sounds
like
Tom
Jones
syndrome"
"Is
it
common?"
"It's
not
unusual.."
318
From
The
Times:
'A
young
girl,
who
was
blown
out
to
sea
on
a
set
of
inflatable
teeth,
was
rescued
by
a
man
on
an
inflatable
lobster.
A
coast-­‐guard
spokesman
commented:
"This
sort
of
thing
is
all
too
common
these
days."'
319
what
has
2
legs
and
bleeds
profusely?
Half
a
cat
320
A
man
wakes
up
in
hospital.

21. "Doctor,
Doctor,
I
can't
feel
my
legs!"
"I
know,"
replies
the
doctor,
"We
had
to
amputate
your
arms."
321
One
penguin
says
to
another,
"You
look
like
you're
wearing
a
tux."
The
second
penguin
replies,
"Who
says
I'm
not?"
322
Why
do
elephants
put
catsup
in
their
navels?
Answer:
So
they
can
eat
french
fries
while
lying
on
their
backs.
323
This
chap
lives
alone
and
he
was
feeling
a
bit
lonely,
so
he
goes
to
the
pet
shop
to
get
something
to
keep
him
company.
The
pet
shop
owner
suggested
an
unusual
pet,
a
talking
millipede.
"OK,"
thought
the
man,"I'll
give
it
a
go..."
So
he
bought
a
millipede,
took
it
home,
and
for
lack
of
advance
preparations,
made
it
a
temporary
home
in
a
cardboard
box.
That
evening
testing
his
new
pet,
he
leaned
over
the
closed
box
and
said,
"I'm
going
to
the
pub
for
a
drink,
do
you
want
to
come
too?"
He
waited
a
few
moments
but
there
was
no
reply.
He
tried
again,
"Hey,
millipede,
wanna
come
to
the
boozer
with
me???"
Again,
no
response.
Disgusted
by
his
gullible
nature,
he
decided
to
give
it
one
more
try
before
returning
the
millipede
to
the
pet
shop.
So
he
got
real
close
to
the
box
and
repeated
rather
loudly
,
"I
SAID
I'M
GOING
TO
THE
PUB
FOR
A
DRINK.
DO
YOU
WANNA
COME?"
"I
heard
you
the
first
time!!"
snapped
the
millipede,
"I'm
just
putting
my
bloody
shoes
on..."
324
Did
you
hear
about
the
farmer
who
won
the
Nobel
Prize
for
being
outstanding
in
his
field?
325
Two
drunks
are
sitting
at
a
bar.
The
first
one
says,
"What's
this
thing
that
they
call
a
'Breathalyzer'?"
The
second
guy
says,
"It's
a
bag
that
can
tell
how
much
you
drank."
The
first
guy
says,
"I
married
one
of
those
things
years
ago."
326
There
were
three
guys.
They
each
were
asked
to
name
something
green,
pink
and
yellow.
The
first
guy
said
"my
shirt
is
green,
my
tie
is
pink
and
my
pants
are
yellow".
The
second
guy
said
"the
grass
is
green,
the
sun
is
yellow
and
my
door
is
pink."
The
third
guy
said
"the
phone
goes
'green
green',
I
pink
it
up
and
say
'yellow'".
327
A
white
horse
goes
into
a
pub
and
orders
a
drink.
The
publican
says,
"Here,
we've
got
a
drink
named
after
you!"
The
horse
says,
"What,
Eric?"
328
What
do
you
call
a
woman
with
one
leg
shorter
than
the
other?
Answer:
Ilene
What
do
you
call
her
if
she's
Japanese?

22. Answer:
Irene
329
What's
orange
and
sounds
like
a
parrot?
A
carrot!
330
A
truckdriver
saw
a
priest
hitchhiking.
He
thought
he
would
do
a
good
turn
and
pulled
the
truck
over."No
problem,
Father!
IÌll
give
you
a
lift.
Climb
in
the
truck."
The
happy
priest
climbed
into
the
passenger
seat
and
the
truck
driver
continued
down
the
road.
Suddenly
the
truck
driver
saw
a
lawyer
walking
down
the
road
and
instinctively
he
swerved
to
hit
him.
But
he
remembered
there
was
a
priest
in
the
truck
with
him,
so
at
the
last
minute
he
swerved
back
away,
narrowly
missing
the
lawyer.
But
even
though
he
was
sure
he
missed
the
lawyer
he
still
heard
a
loud
"THUMP".
He
glanced
in
his
mirrors
and
when
he
didnÌt
see
anything,
he
turned
to
the
priest
and
said,
"IÌm
sorry
Father.
I
almost
hit
that
lawyer."
"ThatÌs
okay,"
replied
the
priest.
"I
got
him
with
the
door!"
331
Craig
David
,Shaggy
and
Britney
Spears
wre
stuck
in
an
elevator
when
they
smelled
something
like
rotten
eggs,Craig
David
said
"I'm
walkin'
away",Shaggy
said
"it
wasn't
me"
and
Britney
Spears
said
"Oops
I
did
it
again"
332
What
do
you
get
when
you
cross
an
elephant
and
a
kangaroo?
Big
holes
all
over
Australia!!
333
Q.
Who
won
the
boxing
match
between
the
beaver
and
the
hedgehog?
A.
The
hedgehog,
on
points.
334
A
man
was
walking
in
the
park
when
he
came
across
a
koala
.He
took
it
to
the
polieman
and
sid
"i've
found
this
koala
what
should
i
do
with
him"
The
policeman
said
,"take
him
to
the
zoo"
The
next
day
the
policeman
was
walking
in
the
same
park
when
he
saw
the
same
man
with
the
same
koala.
He
said
,
"didn't
i
tell
you
to
take
that
koala
to
the
zoo?"
"Yes",
The
man
answered,
that's
what
I
did
and
today
I'm
taking
him
to
the
movies.
335
A
man
finds
a
genie
who
says
that
it
will
grant
him
three
wishes
but
that
every
pollitition
in
Australia
would
get
double.
The
man
says,
"Ok,
I
wish
for
$1
million"
"Granted",
says
the
genie,
"but
remember
every
pollitition
in
Australia
will
get
double"
The
man
says,
"Ok,
now
I
wish
for
a
Ferrarii"
"Granted",
says
the
genie,
"but
remember
every
pollitition
in
Australia
will
get
double.
Your
final
wish?"
The
man
says,
"I
wish
to
have
one
of
my
kidneys
removed"
336
what's
white
blue
and
green?
A
fridge
wearing
jeans
sitting
in
a
field!!!
337
Whats
brown
and
sounds
like
a
bell?
Dung!

23. 338
What
is
grey
and
goes
bang,
bang,
bang,
bang?
A
four-­‐door
elephant
339
A
duck
walks
into
a
drugstore,
and
asks
the
cashier
if
he
has
any
beer.
The
man
says
"No,
this
is
a
Drugstore,
we
don't
sell
beer
here"
The
Duck
leaves,
and
returns
home.
The
next
day,
he
comes
back
to
the
store
and
asks
the
cashier
again.
The
man
then
replies,
"I
told
you
yesterday!
We
dont'
sell
beer
here!
If
you
ask
me
one
more
time,
I
am
going
to
nail
your
feet
to
the
florr!"
The
ducks
leaves
again.
One
final
time
the
duck
enters
the
store
the
next
day,
and
this
time
says,
"Do
you
have
any
nails?"
The
Man
replies,
"No"
The
duck
then
says,
"Do
you
have
any
beer?"
340
what
do
you
call
am
italian
with
a
rubber
toe?
Roberto
341
Why
do
elephants
have
big
ears?
Noddy
wouldn't
pay
the
ransom
342
How
do
you
stop
a
bear
from
charging?
You
take
away
its
credit
card.
343
A
man
took
his
Rottweiler
to
the
vet.
"My
dog's
cross-­‐eyed,
is
there
anything
you
can
do
for
him?"
"Well,"
said
the
vet,
"let's
have
a
look
at
him."
So
he
picked
the
dog
up
and
examined
his
eyes,
then
checked
his
teeth.
Finally,
he
said,
"I'm
going
to
have
to
put
him
down."
"What?
Why?
Because
he's
cross-­‐eyed?"
"No,
he's
heavy."
344
Why
didn't
the
skeleton
cross
the
road?
He
didn't
have
the
guts
to
do
it!
345
What
time
is
it?
Time
you
got
a
new
watch.
346
Two
elephants
fall
off
a
cliff.
Thud.
Thud.
347
Why
did
the
man
drown
in
a
bowl
of
cake
mix?
He
got
pulled
under
by
a
particularly
strong
current!!
348
why
do
ducks
have
flat
feet?
To
stamp
out
forest
fires!!
349
What
do
you
call
a
fly
with
no
wings?
A
walk!!!
350
What
do
you
call
a
child
who
fries
and
eats
both
his
parents?
An
orphan.

24.
351
Newspaper
Reports
say
a
toilet
has
been
stolen.
Policve
say
they
have
nothing
to
go
on
352
Why
has
Edward
Woodward
got
so
many
'D's
in
his
name?
Because
otherwise
he'd
be
called
Ewar
Woowar
353
Did
you
hear
about
the
scarecrow
that
won
a
Nobel
prize?
He
was
out,
standing
in
his
field.
354
Why
did
the
golfer
wear
two
pairs
of
trousers?
In
case
he
got
a
'hole
in
one'!
355
How
do
you
get
four
elephants
into
a
Mini?
Two
in
the
front,
two
in
the
back.
356
What
do
you
call
a
mushroom
at
a
disco?
A
fun
guy
357
Two
atoms
are
walking
down
the
road.
One
says
to
the
other,
"OH
NO!
I
just
dropped
an
electron!"
"Are
you
sure?"
asks
his
friend.
"Yes"
he
replies
"I'm
POSITIVE!"
358
A
bunch
of
highland
cows
are
standing
in
a
field
in
Scotland.
Which
one's
on
holiday?
...The
one
with
the
wee
calf!
359
-­‐
Knock
knock.
-­‐
Who's
there?
-­‐
Buh
-­‐
Buh
who?
-­‐
Don't
be
sad
360
Two
pieces
of
tarmac
go
into
a
pub
and
boast
to
the
barman
about
how
hard
they
are,
"We're
motorway
us."
Then
another
piece
of
tarmac
enters
and
the
first
two
hide
under
a
table.
"What's
wrong?"
says
the
barman,
"I
thought
you
were
really
hard?"
"We
are,"
they
say,
"but
he's
a
cycle
path."
361
A
long
time
ago,
there
were
3
little
bears.....now
there's
lots
of
them
362
What
is
black
and
white
and
eats
like
a
horse?
A
Zebra

25. 363
There
were
two
cows
in
a
field.
One
said
"moo",
the
other
one
said
"I
was
going
to
say
that!"
364
What's
Brown,
sits
in
a
tree
and
can't
sing?
Des
O'conker
365
How
do
you
kill
a
circus?
Go
for
the
juggler.
366
How
do
you
turn
a
duck
into
a
soul
singer?
Stick
it
in
the
oven
and
wait
till
its
Bill
Withers.
367
why
did
the
swedish
factory
worker
get
sacked??
Because
he
always
took
stock
home!
(stockholm!)
368
There
was
a
teddy
bear
who
went
to
work
on
a
building
site.
On
his
first
day
he
went
off
for
lunch
and
left
his
tools
behind.
When
he
came
back
he
noticed
that
his
pick
was
missing.
When
he
told
the
foreman
the
foreman
said
"Didn't
you
know
today's
the
day
the
teddy
bears
get
their
picks
nicked"!
369
A
man
goes
to
the
doctor
and
says
'Doctor,
there's
a
piece
of
lettuce
sticking
out
of
my
bottom'.
The
doctor
asks
him
to
drop
his
trousers
and
examines
him.
The
man
asks
'Is
it
serious,
doctor?'
and
the
doctor
replies
'I'm
sorry
to
tell
you
but
this
is
just
the
tip
of
the
iceberg'.
370
what
do
u
call
thieves
on
a
washing
line?
ans:
knickers
371
Did
you
hear
about
the
man
who
drowned
in
a
bowl
of
muesli?
He
was
pulled
under
by
a
strong
currant!
372
A
young
girl
is
walking
along
the
river
and
comes
across
a
religious
gathering
where
the
minister
is
baptizing
members
of
his
flock.
The
minister
asks
the
girl
if
she
has
found
Jesus.
ÏNo,Ó
she
says.
Whereupon
the
minister
pushes
her
underwater,
pulls
her
back
up,
and
repeats,
ÏHave
you
found
Jesus?Ó
ÏNo,Ó
she
says,
and
is
dunked
back
in
the
water
and
again
asked,
ÏHave
you
found
Jesus?Ó
ÏNo!,Ó
she
says
in
exasperation,
ÏAre
you
sure
this
is
where
he
fell
in?Ó
373
Shakespeare
walks
into
a
pub.
The
bloke
behind
the
counter
says,
"I'm
not
serving
you
mate
-­‐
you're
Bard."
374
Two
parrots
sitting
on
a
perch.One
says
to
the
other,
"Can
you
smell
fish?"
375
Why
is
6
afraid
of
7
Because
7
"ate"
9

26. 376
I
want
to
die
peacefully
in
my
sleep
like
my
grandfather.
Not
screaming
and
yelling
like
his
passengers
377
What's
red
and
invisible?
No
tomatoes.
378
Marge:
"Homer,
you
never
listen
to
anything
I
say!"
Homer:
"Thank
you.
I
would
like
an
omlet."
379
2
cows
are
in
a
field.
the
first
cow
says
"hmm
i
feel
a
little
bit
sick"
the
second
cow
replies
"Shut
up!
or
you'll
get
us
both
killed!"
380
what
is
the
sleepiets
fish?
a
kipper
381
A
polar
bear
goes
into
a
bar
and
says
to
the
barman
"Could
I
have
a
pint
of
beer
and
................................................
a
packet
of
crisps
please?".
The
barman
says
"Certainly
-­‐
what's
with
the
enormous
paws
(pause)?"
382
What
do
you
call
a
cow
that
eats
grass?
A
lawn
moo-­‐er
383
2
robbers
went
2
the
gates
of
heven
an
angle
said
god
there
is
2
robbers
at
the
gates
god
said
let
them
in
so
the
angle
went
2
let
them
in
he
came
running
in
and
said
"they're
gone,they're
gone,"god:who
the
robbers
no
the
gates!!
384
Q:
Why
don't
anteaters
get
sick?
A:
Because
they're
full
of
antibodies.
385
A
Texan
is
bragging,
as
usual:
"You
know,"
he
says,
"I
can
get
in
my
Cadillac
at
7
a.m.,
drive
all
day
long
and
still
be
on
my
property."
"Yes,"
replies
his
listener,
"I
had
a
car
like
that
once."
386
A
man
walks
into
a
bar
and
hears
someone
say,
"Hey,
you
look
NICE
today!!!"
He
turns
aroud
and
asks
the
bartender,
"Who
said
that?"
The
bartender
answers,
"The
peanuts...
they're
COMPLEMENTARY!!!"
387
Two
sheep
were
standing
on
a
hillside
in
Scotland,
one
looks
up
and
says
"baaaaaaaaaa..."
The
other
says,
"Bloody
hell,
I
was
gonna
say
that!"
388
Q-­‐When's
the
best
time
to
have
a
tooth
pulled?
A-­‐
Tooth-­‐Hurty