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Free eBook ~ 200 GREAT PUNS.pdf

A Free eBook written by Oh Teik Theam. This collection of English Puns serves to 'Edutain' (Educate and Entertain) especially lovers of the English language.

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OH TEIK THEAM
200
GREAT PUNS
FREE
EBOOK
OH TEIK THEAM
200 GREAT PUNS
Copyright © 2023 Oh Teik Theam
Published by Oh Teik Theam
This ebook is published solely for free
distribution/circulation. It should not be
used in any way for commercial gain.
A pun is the lowest form of humour—when you don’t think of it first.
- Oscar Levant
Preface
What is a pun? It is a humorous use of a word that has different meanings, or of words of
the same sound and different meanings.
Homographic puns make use of multiple meanings from a single word. Example: The
motorist says to the cop, “Why can’t I park here? The sign says ‘Fine for Parking’!”
Homophonic puns make use of words that have the same pronunciations but different
meanings and spellings. Example: Having worked in the hotel for twelve years, she is
quite inn experienced.
Related to homophonic puns are those that sound only slightly alike. Example:
“Venice the next gondola?”
“Fused” puns are rather ingenious. We take two parts of two words and combine them
to form a manufactured word that usually reflects the meanings of the two original words.
Example: The early start of the cold season has winterrupted our plans for the new
project.
Tom Swifties are adverbial puns. Example: “I buried the dead dog in the garden,” he
said gravely.
CONTENTS
1. The Tightrope Walker
2. The Rent
3. The Toast
4. Favourite Foods
5. The Right Man
6. Mood Poisoning
7. Iceberg
8. Blood Bank
9. Dental Appointment
10. Tummy Size
11. The Librarian
12. Ten Different Puns
13. Spelling Mistakes
14. Get Down
15. Quick Change
16. Bad Joke
17. Talking Sheepdog
18. The Party
19. Goldilocks
20. Broken Pipe
21. Parking Meter
22. Narrow Escape
23. Snow White
24. Insomnia
25. Keyboard Factory
26. Lost Three Fingers
27. The New Maid
28. The Dog’s Name
29. The Frog Prince
30. Garbage Truck Worker
31. Speed Bump
32. The Hare and the Tortoise
33. Frequent Travelling
34. The Taxi Passenger
35. Cinderella
36. Grilled a Chicken
37. Buying a Horse
38. The Kangaroos
39. The Riddle
40. Two Flies
41. The Visitor
42. The Security Guard
43. Birds
44. Caught a Snake

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Free eBook ~ 200 GREAT PUNS.pdf

  • 3. 200 GREAT PUNS Copyright © 2023 Oh Teik Theam Published by Oh Teik Theam This ebook is published solely for free distribution/circulation. It should not be used in any way for commercial gain.
  • 4. A pun is the lowest form of humour—when you don’t think of it first. - Oscar Levant
  • 5. Preface What is a pun? It is a humorous use of a word that has different meanings, or of words of the same sound and different meanings. Homographic puns make use of multiple meanings from a single word. Example: The motorist says to the cop, “Why can’t I park here? The sign says ‘Fine for Parking’!” Homophonic puns make use of words that have the same pronunciations but different meanings and spellings. Example: Having worked in the hotel for twelve years, she is quite inn experienced. Related to homophonic puns are those that sound only slightly alike. Example: “Venice the next gondola?” “Fused” puns are rather ingenious. We take two parts of two words and combine them to form a manufactured word that usually reflects the meanings of the two original words. Example: The early start of the cold season has winterrupted our plans for the new project. Tom Swifties are adverbial puns. Example: “I buried the dead dog in the garden,” he said gravely.
  • 6. CONTENTS 1. The Tightrope Walker 2. The Rent 3. The Toast 4. Favourite Foods 5. The Right Man 6. Mood Poisoning 7. Iceberg 8. Blood Bank 9. Dental Appointment 10. Tummy Size 11. The Librarian 12. Ten Different Puns 13. Spelling Mistakes 14. Get Down 15. Quick Change 16. Bad Joke 17. Talking Sheepdog 18. The Party 19. Goldilocks 20. Broken Pipe 21. Parking Meter 22. Narrow Escape 23. Snow White 24. Insomnia 25. Keyboard Factory 26. Lost Three Fingers 27. The New Maid 28. The Dog’s Name 29. The Frog Prince 30. Garbage Truck Worker 31. Speed Bump 32. The Hare and the Tortoise 33. Frequent Travelling 34. The Taxi Passenger 35. Cinderella 36. Grilled a Chicken 37. Buying a Horse 38. The Kangaroos 39. The Riddle 40. Two Flies 41. The Visitor 42. The Security Guard 43. Birds 44. Caught a Snake
  • 7. 45. The Operation 46. Missing Wife 47. Petty Things 48. Cats 49. Football 50. Vacuum Cleaner 51. Haystack Thief 52. The Hungry Fox 53. Living Scarecrow 54. Low Magnesium 55. A Man’s Best Friend 56. The Pirate 57. Fruit Jokes 58. The Bachelor 59. The Farmer’s Wife’s Birthday 60. The Tongue-Twister Champion 61. Drawing Paper 62. The Hot Dog Seller 63. The Sick Cow 64. Buying a Dog 65. The Spaghetti 66. Colour-Blind 67. Debt Collector 68. Snake Skins 69. The Ink Drop 70. The Password 71. Cut the Meat 72. The Packed Pile of Hay 73. Sea Monsters 74. Punctual 75. The Undertaker 76. The Beggar 77. Punched the Keyboard 78. Rope 79. The Spelling Test 80. The Luggage 81. Tasty Fruit 82. Pinocchio 83. Calories 84. Weapons of War 85. The Contortionist 86. Milking Cows 87. The Baker 88. Solitary Tear 89. Flying Carpet 90. Seven Days
  • 8. 91. Sentences 92. The King 93. The Distance 94. High Definition 95. Late for School 96. Arithmetic Jokes 97. Fruit Drink 98. Fully Qualified 99. One Eye 100. Reckless Driving 101. Tablecloth Stain 102. Nostalgia 103. Peas 104. Husbands 105. The Fountain 106. The Experience 107. The Carpenter 108. Three Blind Mice 109. Cookies 110. The Miserly Husband 111. Wash the Car 112. Bad Habit 113. The Nun 114. The Puncture 115. The Prostitute 116. Sew 117. Illegal Casino 118. Surrogate Mother 119. Town Mouse and Country Mouse 120. The Jogger 121. Polluted Water 122. The Record 123. Kissed 124. The Birthday Present 125. The Chess Champ 126. The Farmer 127. Making a Ladder 128. The Coat 129. Disappointed 130. Crossword Puzzle 131. The Rich Widower 132. Reflection 133. The Patient’s Call 134. The Chess Game 135. The Homework 136. Where’s the P?
  • 9. 137. Strangers in a Bar 138. Two Boys and a Dog 139. The Bank Customer 140. Two Cannibals 141. Full Stop 142. Tomato Sauce 143. The Doctor 144. Eyes 145. Poultry Farm 146. The Dieter 147. Do Something 148. The Conductor 149. The Soup 150. The Check-Up 151. Drought 152. Hard-Boiled Egg 153. The Itch 154. Not Married 155. The Judge 156. More Lives 157. Best Time 158. The Deer 159. Broken Arm 160. Gym Job 161. Face Mask 162. Plane Crash 163. No Mask 164. Pull It Off 165. The Henpecked Husband 166. Twin Sister 167. Reading a Book 168. Missing Eggs 169. A Twig 170. Inside Knowledge 171. The Prostitute’s Customer 172. The Ant 173. Three-Legged Cow 174. The Coin Dealer 175. The Writer 176. Cockroaches 177. Mirror Factory 178. A Bun in the Oven 179. Lucky Guy 180. Aquariums 181. Cold Floor 182. Two Puppies
  • 10. 183. Roadblock 184. Shopping List 185. The Lumberjack 186. The Banana 187. Rectangular Table 188. Clear the Table 189. The Newspaper Editor 190. Made a Baby 191. The Fence 192. Blood 193. Shirt Size 194. Queue 195. Creature 196. Water Bill 197. Birthday Cake 198. The Ballpoint Pen 199. The Teacher’s Punishment 200. Wild Horses
  • 11. 1. The Tightrope Walker The phone rings in the tightrope walker’s house. His wife answers it. “It’s the bank manager, dear,” she says. “I think he wants to talk to you about your outstanding balance.” “This is fantastic,” he says, smiling broadly. “I have a new fan!” 2. The Rent “The rent for your apartment is due today.” “I’m sorry. I can’t pay you now: I’m flat broke.” 3. The Toast The teacher says to a pupil, “Correct this sentence: The toast was drank.” The pupil says, “The toast was eaten.” 4. Favourite Foods My favourite foods are dim sum, laksa, sushi and, last but not East, pizza. 5. The Right Man “Why are you not married?” he asked her. “I’m waiting for the right man,” she said. “Wait no more. I’m Mr. Right—I’ve never been miss-taken!” 6. Mood Poisoning I have mood poisoning. Must be something I hate. (Marilyn Manson) 7. Iceberg The little boy drew a picture of an I-ceberg that was shaped like the ninth letter of the alphabet. 8. Blood Bank Wiping his big hand on his gown, The blood bank chief said with a frown, “The news is bad; It’s very sad. We have been caught with our pints down.” 9. Dental Appointment The husband asked his wife, “What time is your appointment with the dentist?” With her hand on her cheek, she said, “Tooth hurty.” 10. Tummy Size If I reduce my tummy size, I may win the Nobelly Prize. 11. The Librarian
  • 12. The librarian said to her assistant, “We have no more elf space for these new books of fairy tales.” The assistant said, “We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!” 12. Ten Different Puns A friend of mine was feeling depressed, so I WhatsApped him ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would cheer him up. No pun in ten did. 13. Spelling Mistakes The secretary printed out the letter that she had typed on her computer. Her boss read the letter and said, “There are a few spelling mistakes.” The secretary said, “The office is too cold.” “So?” “When it’s too cold, I have an attack of typothermia.” 14. Get Down Q. How do you get down from an elephant? A. You don’t. You get down from a duck. 15. Quick Change A magician says to her best friend, “Richard threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the Quick Change trick.” “What did you do?” “I said to him, ‘Wait, I can change.’” 16. Bad Joke A bad joke is like a bad egg, all the worse for being cracked. (Josh Billings) 17. Talking Sheepdog A talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen and says to the farmer, “All fifty sheep accounted for, sir.” “But I have only forty-eight sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the canine, “but I rounded them up!” 18. The Party The flying trapeze star was late for the party. It was already in full swing. 19. Goldilocks Goldilocks entered the cottage of the three bears through an open window. She whispered to herself, “The curtains are drawn, but the table and chairs are real!” 20. Broken Pipe Father Bear cried, “Someone broke my pipe!” Mother Bear said, “Keep your shirt on. I’ll get you a new one from the jungle store.”
  • 13. “That won’t be necessary,” said Father Bear. “I think my friend Macguybear can fix it.” 21. Parking Meter A parking meter is a coin-ivorous machine. 22. Narrow Escape Two mice had just had a narrow escape from a cat. Panting, one said, “I think I’m going to faint.” His friend said, “Please don’t do that: I don’t know how to administer mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!” 23. Snow White “I will help you with the housework,” Snow White said to the seven dwarfs. “As long as I am here, this cottage will not go to raccoon ruin!” 24. Insomnia “I had a bout of insomnia last night,” the maid says to her mistress. “This explains why the floor is so dusty,” says the mistress. “It is suffering from sweep deprivation!” 25. Keyboard Factory The manager of the keyboard factory said to a worker, “You need to pull up your socks.” The worker said, “What did I do wrong?” “You missed a shift yesterday.” 26. Lost Three Fingers A machine operator in a factory lost three fingers in an accident. When he was discharged from the hospital, he asked the doctor, “Will I still be able to write with my hand?” The doctor said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.” 27. The New Maid The new maid read the instruction on the cap of the bottle of strawberry jam: Twist to Open. Shaking her head, she whispered to herself, “Just my luck—the only dance I can’t do!” 28. The Dog’s Name “What’s your dog’s name?” “Locksmith.” “That’s an unusual name.” “Well, every time I open the door, he makes a bolt for it.” 29. The Frog Prince
  • 14. In the fairy tale The Frog Prince, the king asked the frog, “Why do you want to stay in a castle? As a frog, time is fun when you are having flies.” 30. Garbage Truck Worker My neighbour said to me, “My son is training to be a garbage truck worker.” I said, “He doesn’t need training for that: He just picks it up as he goes along.” 31. Speed Bump A man who was driving his new car suddenly began to shiver. His wife, who was in the front passenger seat, asked, “What’s wrong?” “Look at that thing ahead of us.” “The speed bump?” “Yes—I have a fear of it.” “Don’t worry, dear. You’ll slowly get over it.” 32. The Hare and the Tortoise In the fable The Hare and the Tortoise, the hare taunted his competitor, “The only way to make you fast is to take away your food!” 33. Frequent Travelling “This job requires you to travel frequently,” the boss says to the new employee. “You’ll jet used to it.” 34. The Taxi Passenger “Take the next turning,” the passenger says to the cabby. “This one on the left?” “Right!” 35. Cinderella It was a happy ending for Cinderella. The prince asked her, “Do you want your stepmother and stepsisters to be severely punished for their cruelty towards you?” “No,” she said. “I forgive them, because I want to feel joy.” “I second the emotion,” he said with a prepossessing pumpkin-size smile. 36. Grilled a Chicken Yesterday I grilled a chicken for ninety minutes. But I did not get any good result: It stubbornly refused to tell me why it crossed the road. 37. Buying a Horse A man who was interested in buying an old thoroughbred horse wanted a veterinarian’s opinion before finalizing the transaction. After the vet had examined the equine animal, the man asked, “Will I be able to race him?” “Sure,” said the vet seriously, “and you’d probably win.”
  • 15. 38. The Kangaroos Mother Kangaroo says to her son, with mild reproach in her tone, “Go out and play with your friends. Don’t be a pouch potato!” 39. The Riddle “I nearly died from laughing last night.” “What was so funny?” “My ten-year-old son asked me a riddle: Which has more legs—one horse or no horse? I didn’t know the answer, and he said, ‘The answer is no horse. One horse has four legs, but no horse has five legs.’” 40. Two Flies Two flies were resting on Robinson Crusoe’s back. “So long,” said one. “Perhaps I’ll see you on Friday.” 41. The Visitor Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Please don’t cry—I’m here for only thirty minutes! 42. The Security Guard “I was sacked from my job as a security guard in a bank.” “That’s terrible. What happened?” “A thief entered the bank, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it.” “And then what happened?” “He took one more step, so I let him have it. I don’t like guns anyway.” 43. Birds Magpie, peewit, mynah and jay Drink coffee in a nest-café. 44. Caught a Snake The two farmhands caught a snake that was 3.14 feet long. (It was a π-thon.) 45. The Operation Before the surgical operation, the patient asked the anaesthetist, “Can I administer the needle myself?” The anaesthetist said, “Knock yourself out.” 46. Missing Wife A farmer whose wife ran away from home said to himself, as he started the engine of his motor vehicle, “I will tractor down.”
  • 16. 47. Petty Things Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. (George Carlin) 48. Cats “You have three dogs?” “That’s right.” “Any cats?” “None.” “Why?” “I don’t like their cattitude.” 49. Football Q. What lights up a football stadium? A. A football match. 50. Vacuum Cleaner My vacuum cleaner is only three months old, but it sucks. (All it does now is gather dust.) 51. Haystack Thief “This is the third time this week that someone has stolen a haystack of mine,” the farmer said. “Are you finally going to report the theft to the police now?” a farmhand asked. “Definitely—this is the last straw!” 52. The Hungry Fox A hungry fox which wanted to raid the farmer’s coop chickened out at the last minute. 53. Living Scarecrow A farmer said to himself, “I will be a living scarecrow from dawn to dusk. I hear they give an award to people who are out standing in their field.” 54. Low Magnesium My doctor sent me a WhatsApp message. It read: You have low magnesium. My reply read: Omg. 55. A Man’s Best Friend Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. (Groucho Marx) 56. The Pirate A pirate met an old friend whom he had not seen in a month of Sundays. The friend said, “You have a beautiful wooden peg and a strong hook. How much did you pay for them?”
  • 17. The pirate said, “An arm and a leg.” 57. Fruit Jokes “Why did you break up with your boyfriend?” “He said my fruit jokes were lame, and I decided to let that mango.” 58. The Bachelor The footloose bachelor said with an anguished groan, “My mother keeps saying I’ve no wife of my own; She is really upset, But she seems to forget I’m just waiting for the right girl to come alone.” 59. The Farmer’s Wife’s Birthday “Happy birthday, dear,” the farmer said to his wife. And he gave her a hog and a kiss. 60. The Tongue-Twister Champion “How do you plead?” the judge asked the tongue-twister champion, who was charged with stealing a book. “Guilty, Your Honour, but please don’t give me a tough sentence.” 61. Drawing Paper “Why are you crying?” the teacher asks a pupil. The little boy says, “Someone stole my drawing paper.” “It’s all right, dear. You need a shoulder to crayon.” 62. The Hot Dog Seller “Why did you fire your helper?” I asked the hot dog seller. He said, “Yesterday she put her hair in a bun.” 63. The Sick Cow The vet examines the cow and says to the farmer, “It is not in the moo-d to give milk—or perhaps there’s an udder reason!” 64. Buying a Dog “Do you have any dogs going cheap?” the little boy asks the pet shop proprietor. Grinning perkily, the proprietor says, “No, only woof!” 65. The Spaghetti The mistress asks her maid, “Why did you throw the spaghetti away?” The maid says, “It was already pasta expiry date.” 66. Colour-Blind “You are colour-blind,” the doctor said to the patient. The patient arched a brow and said, “This is completely out of the green.”
  • 18. 67. Debt Collector “You are a persistent debt collector—I have got to hand it to you.” 68. Snake Skins A trader who sells snake skins stores them in his shed. 69. The Ink Drop “Why are you so sad?” the eraser asked the ink drop. The ink drop said, “My dad is in the pen doing a long sentence.” 70. The Password “What? Your password is ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’?” “Well, the computer says it has to be at least eight characters long.” 71. Cut the Meat The housewife says to her new maid, “Cut the meat into strips.” The maid asks, “What width?” The housewife shakes her head and says, “With a knife!” 72. The Packed Pile of Hay “That packed pile of hay looks like a letter of the alphabet,” says the farmer, grinning perkily. A farmhand says, “It’s a beautiful A stack!” 73. Sea Monsters Sea monsters, strong to their fingertips, Catch for their daily meals fish and ships. 74. Punctual “This is the first time you are not late for school. What happened?” “There was a spider on my shin, so I decided to shake a leg.” 75. The Undertaker The young undertaker is so handsome that many girls are dying to meet him. 76. The Beggar A beggar bought a birthday gift for himself. It cost him an arm and a beg. 77. Punched the Keyboard In a moment of anger, I punched the keyboard when the computer defeated me in a game of chess. The keyboard was slightly damaged. I lost control.
  • 19. 78. Rope “I’m writing an article on ropes. I want to end it with some humour. Do you know any good rope jokes?” “I’m a frayed knot.” 79. The Spelling Test The mother says to her son, “I see you got a B plus for your spelling test. That’s not bad.” The boy says, “I could have got an A, but I didn’t know how to spell Armageddon.” “Don’t worry about it, dear. It’s not the end of the world.” 80. The Luggage “I heard you sued the airport for misplacing your luggage. Was your lawsuit successful?” “No, I lost the case.” 81. Tasty Fruit Gretel ate a fruit in the wood. She exclaimed, “This tastes berry good!” 82. Pinocchio Pinocchio says to Geppetto, “I want to become a pupil at the school.” Geppetto says, “That’s not possible: You are not a human.” “You are a puppeteer and a good friend of the headmaster’s. I’m sure you can pull strings to get me enrolled.” 83. Calories An obese woman wrote in her diary: Today I burned about two thousand calories in thirty minutes. (I forgot to take the cookies out of the oven.) 84. Weapons of War May the weapons of war rust in peace. (Robert Orben) 85. The Contortionist A young man says to the circus manager, “I’m looking for a job. Can you help me?” The circus manager says, “What can you do?” “I’m a contortionist.” “Really?” says the circus manager, incredulously. “Give me a chance. Let me show you what I can do.” “OK. Go ahead and make an S of yourself.” 86. Milking Cows The foreign worker did not have a jerk permit to milk cows. 87. The Baker The baker reprimanded his two assistants for playing tic-tac-dough during working hours.
  • 20. 88. Solitary Tear He said to her, “I love you.” She smiled, wiped a solitary tear from her eye, and said, “If I let it fall, it will have the cheek to go on!” 89. Flying Carpet Aladdin and his wife, Jasmine, were about to fly over the desert in their flying carpet. Jasmine said, with a soft sigh, “Will we be able to see what may be pointed out in the desert?” “What’s that?” Aladdin asked. “A cactus!” she said, giggling. 90. Seven Days Aladdin said to the genie, “Give me some healthful food. I have not eaten a decent meal for seven days.” “Seven days, eh?” said the genie. “That makes one weak.” 91. Sentences A man said to his wife, “It’s amazing how we always finish each other’s—” She said, “Sentences!” A year later, they were both found guilty of a crime and given a two-year prison term. The husband said, “Let’s finish each other’s—” The wife said, “Sentence!” 92. The King “The handsome king,” she wrote, “Was crowned in a reign coat.” 93. The Distance “I understand you increase the distance of your jogging every week. How is it going?” “So far, so good.” 94. High Definition “What is your New Year’s resolution?” “1440p.” 95. Late for School It was the first day of school for the brooms of a coven of witches. One broom was thirty minutes late. The teacher asked, “Why are you late?” The broom said, “I’m sorry, ma’am. I overswept.” 96. Arithmetic Jokes History jokes leave me numb, but arithmetic jokes leave me number.
  • 21. 97. Fruit Drink “This is the perfect fruit drink,” says Grace; “Definitely no more wild juice chase!” 98. Fully Qualified “Dr. Zyaronskow is waiting for you,” the nurse said to the patient. The patient said, “Which doctor?” “Definitely not—he’s fully qualified.” 99. One Eye “The police are looking for a crook with one eye.” “Half-heartedly, eh?” “No, I mean they are looking for a crook with one eye called Fred.” “I still say they are inefficient. They should have found out the name of the other eye!” 100. Reckless Driving “I see you hurt your hand.” “Yes, reckless driving.” “Oh, a car.” “No, a nail.” “Oh, I see—wrong nail.” 101. Tablecloth Stain The lazy maid covered a stain on the tablecloth with a plate before her mistress could spot it. 102. Nostalgia Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. (Anonymous) 103. Peas The two girls are as alike as stew peas in a pot. 104. Husbands Husbands are like fires—they go out when unattended. (Zsa Zsa Gabor) 105. The Fountain The workers had finished building the fountain, and we decided to give it a dry run. 106. The Experience “Three weeks ago, I met a girl at a party who is as pretty as a picture.” “I had a simile experience last week!” 107. The Carpenter The carpenter did not sweep the floor after he had finished his work. I saw dust.
  • 22. 108. Three Blind Mice Three blind mice who live in a museum are having some fun after the place has closed. One of the little creatures crawls into a suit of armour—and then realizes that he is lost. “I can’t get out!” he shouts to his playmates. “Help me make it through the knight!” 109. Cookies “How many types of cookies are you preparing for Chinese New Year?” the man asks his wife. “Six,” she says. “So many?” “Well, I don’t like to put all my eggs in one biscuit!” 110. The Miserly Husband “Where are you going?” the miserly man asks his wife. “The new shopping centre.” “Bye.” “I will, dear,” she says, smiling. “I will.” His eyes dilate with shock. “No, honey,” he says. “Bye, like in so long!” 111. Wash the Car The absent-minded maid clean forgot to wash my car. 112. Bad Habit The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. (Leo Aikman) 113. The Nun “Have you said your prayers?” the Mother Superior asks a nun. “Yes, I have, while I was taking my bath,” says the nun. “I do this out of habit.” 114. The Puncture “What’s the damage?” the bus driver asks the mechanic after the puncture in the tyre has been mended. The mechanic says, “Twenty dollars—it’s a flat rate.” “Twenty dollars? Isn’t that an inflated price?” 115. The Prostitute The prostitute says to her handsome customer, “You are a sight for whore eyes!” 116. Sew You sew what you rip. (Anonymous) 117. Illegal Casino Police raided the illegal casino. Its operator cried, “Abandon chip!” 118. Surrogate Mother
  • 23. “I’m waiting for a call from any interested gent,” A surrogate mother said. “I have a nice womb for rent.” 119. Town Mouse and Country Mouse Country Mouse was about to eat the inviting morsel of food in the kitchen when Town Mouse cried, “Stop! That is a trap!” Country Mouse froze. “A what?” “A trap,” said Town Mouse breathlessly. “It is a device that can pull a habit out of a rat!” 120. The Jogger The doctor asks the patient, “Do you exercise?” The patient says, “Yes, I jog three times a week.” “How long have you been doing this exercise?” “Well, I have been an avid jogger for three years running.” 121. Polluted Water The chemical formula for polluted water is H₂Ugh. 122. The Record A young woman who wanted to telephone an order to the record store misdialled and got a private residence instead. “Do you have ‘Dreamy Eyes’ and ‘Hot Legs’?” she asked the man who answered the call. “No,” said the householder, puzzled. “But I have a wife and twelve kids.” “Is that a record?” she asked. “Probably not,” said the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.” 123. Kissed “Last week, I met a beautiful girl in my workplace. She kissed me!” “Did you kiss her back?” “No, I kissed her lips!” 124. The Birthday Present “My parents gave me a book for my birthday.” “What is the title of the book?” “The Fairy Best of the Brothers Grimm.” 125. The Chess Champ A reporter asks the chess champ, “What advice can you give to the young players?” The chess champ says, “Never be caught with your pawns down.” 126. The Farmer
  • 24. A farmer is milking a cow when a fly appears out of nowhere and flies into the cow’s ear. Later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk and says with a chuckle, “In one ear and out the udder!” 127. Making a Ladder The carpenter showed his apprentice the correct steps to make a wooden ladder. 128. The Coat Aladdin’s mother said to the genie, “I’d like to have a fur coat.” “What fur?” the genie asked. “To keep myself warm,” she said. 129. Disappointed “How was your first day at school?” the mother asks her daughter. “Very bad,” the girl says. “The teacher told me to sit down and keep quiet for the present, but she forgot to give it to me.” 130. Crossword Puzzle A little girl who is doing a crossword puzzle asks her brother, “Give me the name of a car that starts with T.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says. “They all start with petrol.” 131. The Rich Widower The widower says to the undertaker, “Please make my wife look dead gorgeous.” 132. Reflection A man says to his attractive wife, “You are spending too much time in front of the mirror. It’s time you did some self-reflection.” 133. The Patient’s Call “Well?” says the doctor as he answers the phone at three in the morning. The caller says, “No, I’m sick.” 134. The Chess Game “You’re playing a game of chess by email?” “That’s right. I received my friend’s move this morning, and I sent him my winning move just a minute ago.” “You beat him, eh?” “Yeah—his check is in the mail!” 135. The Homework Little Johnny’s mother asks him, “Why are you doing your arithmetic homework on the floor?” The boy says, “The teacher told us to try to do the sums without using tables.”
  • 25. 136. Where’s the P? “May I go to the toilet?” a pupil asks the teacher. “Yes,” says the teacher, “but say the alphabet first.” “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ.” “Where’s the P?” “It’s running down my leg!” 137. Strangers in a Bar Two strangers in a bar struck up a conversation. The first man said, “I am a writer, and I have written three non-fiction books.” The second man said, “I am a lumberjack, and I have cut down nine hundred and thirty-eight trees.” “You know the exact number?” “Well, I keep a log.” 138. Two Boys and a Dog Two boys were walking in the street. The first boy suddenly said, “Look at that dog with one eye!” “Okay!” the second boy said, covering up one of his eyes. 139. The Bank Customer A man who is entering a bank asks the security guard at the door, “Can I bring my dog inside?” “Yes,” says the guard, “as long as it doesn’t make a deposit.” 140. Two Cannibals Two cannibals were having a meal. One said to the other, “Your wife makes a great soup.” His friend said, “I agree, but I’m going to miss her terribly.” 141. Full Stop A woman who was driving her new car rolled slowly through a stop sign. She was pulled over by a policeman, who recognized her as his daughter’s English teacher. “Ma’am,” he said, “stop signs are full stops, not commas.” 142. Tomato Sauce A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, and she asked her seven-year-old son to answer it. “It’s your doctor, Mum,” the boy said. And then he said to the caller, “Mum can’t talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” 143. The Doctor A doctor is extremely unlucky one week—four of her patients die. Furious, she decides to call Death. Much to her dismay, she is put on hold.
  • 26. After a long wait, Death answers the phone and says, “Thanks a bunch for your patients.” 144. Eyes An old woman was in an eye specialist’s office to get a certain procedure done. She was feeling rather nervous, and the doctor tried his best to allay her fears. She nearly jumped out of her chair when the doctor, after he had finished with one of the eyes, said, “There, there—only one eye left!” 145. Poultry Farm A man who wanted to start a poultry farm phoned a veterinarian and asked, “Could you please tell me how long I should leave the rooster with the hens?” “Just a minute,” said the vet, as his other phone rang. “Thanks,” the man said, and hung up. 146. The Dieter “You’re not eating enough to keep a hamster alive.” “Well, I have no choice. My last diet plan didn’t work.” “What plan?” “Someone told me I could get thinner at the paint store!” 147. Do Something Sam visits his friend Joe. Joe is in his barn moonwalking around his Kubota. “What are you doing?” asks Sam, wide-eyed with surprise. Joe stops dancing and says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately. I talked to a marriage counsellor, and he advised me to do something to a tractor.” (to attract her) 148. The Conductor The conductor of the orchestra kept shaking his head during the rehearsal, for the percussion section was not keeping the proper beat. A drummer said, “I think he’s going to blow up any minute now.” A cymbal player said, “You’re right—we’re in for a tempo tantrum!” 149. The Soup A diner in a restaurant motioned to the waiter and said, “I have a bee in my soup.” The waiter said, “That’s right, sir. Didn’t you order the alphabet soup?” 150. The Check-Up A sexagenarian who had undergone a check-up asked the doctor, “How did it go?” The doctor said, “Get will soon.” 151. Drought “If the drought does not end soon, water we going to do?” 152. Hard-Boiled Egg
  • 27. You can’t beat a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. 153. The Itch A doctor phoned a patient and said, “Your cheque came back.” The patient said, “So did the itch on my foot.” The doctor said, “Come and see me tomorrow. I’ll start again from scratch.” 154. Not Married “I’m not married,” said he*; “Footloose and fiancée-free.” (*He had a few near Mrs.) 155. The Judge The police sergeant reprimanded a rookie cop for wrongfully arresting a judge who was on his way to a costume party dressed as a convict. The sergeant said, “Never book a judge by his cover.” 156. More Lives Q. Which has more lives, a cat or a frog? A. A frog, because it croaks every night. 157. Best Time “What time do you wake up in the morning?” “Half past six.” “So early?” “Yeah, it’s the best time on a clock—hands down.” 158. The Deer A female deer says to a female monkey, “Would you like to go out with me on a date?” The monkey says, “Stay away from me, you weirdoe!” 159. Broken Arm “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast and you’ll recover in a coupla weeks.” “That’s wonderful, Doc. I have always wanted to be in a movie.” 160. Gym Job “I hope your new job at the gym works out for you.” 161. Face Mask During the pandemic, a cop tapped a punk on the shoulder and said, “You should be wearing a face mask. People like you make me sick!” 162. Plane Crash
  • 28. A cargo plane carrying hair brushes crashed in a deserted area. Investigators from the airline are combing the site of the crash. 163. No Mask A cop in an Asian country said to a white woman, “There is no excuse for your refusal to wear a face mask. You are not Karen for other people.” 164. Pull It Off A man struck up a conversation with a young woman at the bus stop. He asked her to remove her face mask momentarily so that he could see her complete face. She refused. He thought it was a daunting task he faced, but with some sweet words he finally managed to pull it off. 165. The Henpecked Husband Sam says to Joe, “I wear the pants in the house.” Joe says, “Yeah—under your apron!” “I’m not lying: I run things around the house.” “Yeah—like the vacuum cleaner and the floor polisher!” 166. Twin Sister I spoke to the wrong twin sister. It was a genuine Ms.take. 167. Reading a Book The wife walked into the living room and said to her husband, who was sitting on the sofa, “Dinner is ready, dear.” He said, “You go ahead. I’m reading a book about helium, and I can’t put it down!” 168. Missing Eggs A hen says to a duck, “Someone stole two of my eggs.” The duck says, “Are you sure?” “I am completely sure. I can count, you know.” “I don’t doubt that. After all, you are a mathemachicken!” 169. A Twig “Waiter, why is there a twig in my soup?” “Please wait a minute, sir. I’ll get the branch manager.” 170. Inside Knowledge Two little boys wanted to ask a favour of their mother. “You ask her,” said the older boy. “No, you ask her,” said the younger boy. “You’ve known her longer than I have.” “Why don’t we ask Dad to ask her,” said the older boy. “He knew Mum even before we were born.” “He may have known her longer,” said the younger boy, “but we know her inside out!”
  • 29. 171. The Prostitute’s Customer The man paid the prostitute her fee, and said, “I’d like to give you a treat at the new vegetarian restaurant.” She said, “No, thanks. I don’t like vegetarian food: I am a carniwhore.” 172. The Ant A worker ant had a nightmare: A self-appointed supervisor ant said to him, “Why are you so slow in lugging the grains? Work harder!” The worker ant said, “Now I know why I was created with such a strong back— because you’d be on it all the time!” 173. Three-Legged Cow “I saw a three-legged cow on the way to work this morning.” “How did you know it was on its way to work?” 174. The Coin Dealer A rare-coin dealer was on his way home from his shop when two thieves robbed him and beat him “cent-less”. 175. The Writer A successful writer who lived in the city paid his widowed mother a surprise visit in her small town. She said, “Why didn’t you WhatsApp me to tell me you were coming?” He said, “Mum, the first rule of writing is ‘Show, Don’t Tell’.” 176. Cockroaches “Where can I get three hundred cockroaches?” the tenant asks the landlord. “Why do you need them?” asks the landlord. “Well, the agreement stipulates that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.” “What are you talking about? There wasn’t a single roach in the house when you moved in.” The tenant says with a smile, “I know. They were all married with families!” 177. Mirror Factory “How did your job interview at the mirror factory go?” “It went very well. I can see myself working there soon.” 178. A Bun in the Oven The childless baker smiled with joy when his wife said to him, “I have a bun in the oven.” 179. Lucky Guy “My wife drives me to drink.” “You are a lucky guy. I have to walk all the way to the pub.”
  • 30. 180. Aquariums “What? You have five aquariums in your house?” “Well, watching all the fish reduces my stress and makes me feel calm. I think the indoor-fins do the trick.” 181. Cold Floor “Don’t sleep on the cold floor. Here, spread out these old magazines and sleep on them. You won’t have any more back issues.” 182. Two Puppies A man phoned the pound and said, “I found a suitcase containing two puppies.” “Are they moving?” “I don’t know, but if they were that would explain the suitcase.” 183. Roadblock At a roadblock, a policeman waved down a jalopy and asked the driver, “Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?” The driver, who was a miner, said, “Mine.” 184. Shopping List At the supermarket, a woman found that she couldn’t read the shopping list. (Thirty minutes earlier, she had asked her ten-year-old son to put dark soy sauce on the list.) 185. The Lumberjack The lumberjack was so tired that he slept like a log. 186. The Banana “What is your problem?” the fruit doctor asks the banana. The banana says, “Doc, I’m not peeling well.” 187. Rectangular Table The salesman at the furniture store says to a woman, “This rectangular table can seat eight people without any problems.” The woman says, “How am I going to find eight people without any problems?” 188. Clear the Table The restaurant manager says to the young man looking for a job, “I want to see you clear this table.” “No problem,” says the young man, “but I need a running start.” 189. The Newspaper Editor The newspaper editor said to his wife, “This morning I fired two reporters who don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. There so stupid!”
  • 31. 190. Made a Baby A man in a pub says to the bartender, “During the pandemic, my wife and I made a baby. In 2033, we will have a quaranteen.” 191. The Fence “The fence needs repainting badly,” the wife said to her husband. “You promised me two weeks ago you’d do it.” “I’ll do it tomorrow,” he said, frowning. When he had completed the task, she said, “You made a poor job of repainting the fence.” Grinning goofily, he said, “You said it needed repainting badly!” 192. Blood “How do you draw blood?” the Medical Director of the hospital asks an intern. The intern says, “With a red marker.” 193. Shirt Size The salesgirl at the department store says to a man, “This T-shirt is beautiful.” The man says, “It’s too big.” “Why don’t you try it on in the fitting room?” “That won’t be necessary,” says the man, who is a psychic. “I am a medium.” 194. Queue A pupil asks the teacher, “Why do we pronounce ‘queue’ as ‘q’?” The teacher says, “Because the other four letters form a line behind it.” 195. Creature A creature that was half man and half horse was the centaur of attraction at the zoo. 196. Water Bill Sam’s neighbour, a nasty piece of work, lost his job and was worried sick when he saw his huge water bill. Sam sent him an anonymous Get ‘Well’ Card. 197. Birthday Cake It took him one minute to blow out the candles on the cake for his sixty-second birthday. 198. The Ballpoint Pen A ballpoint pen says to a pencil in the inkstand, “I get on well with twenty-five letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.” 199. The Teacher’s Punishment I did not do my homework, and the teacher asked me to read fifty pages from a reference book containing lists of synonyms and related words. This punishment gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.
  • 32. 200. Wild Horses Two wild horses meet in a prairie. One says to the other, “Your pace is familiar, but I just can’t remember your mane.” ☺ ☺ ☺