Humor from a to z

HUMOR FROM A TO Z
EDITED BY GLE PEASE
A
ACCIDE T HUMOR
ACCIDE T I VESTIGATIO REPORT
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block
number three of the accident reporting form, I put quote - poor planning - unquote
as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully,
and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the
roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had
about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached
to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and
loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note
in block number eleven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise to being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of
mind and forgot to let go of the rope. eedless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid
rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the
fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of
my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and
the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel no
weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the
two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell

onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain, unable to
stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me - I again lost my presence
of mind - I LET GO OF THE ROPE.
AMISH HUMOR
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble
The Door Magazine
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 6 AM.
9. In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full KISS makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he says, "I hate thee!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "JebDaddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If we had electricity, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come across his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Police catch him doing 20 mph in a buggy with flames painted on the side.
And the #1 sign to worry that your Amish teenager is in trouble:
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
A PERSO AL SKIT I PERFORMED SEVERAL
TIMES ABOUT MY LIFE.
The neighborhood I grew up in
was so rough, it is
the only place I know of where
the Gideon Bibles
were chained to the desk.
The meals on wheels in my
neighborhood came in
armored trucks.

Kids were so violent, the
parents in my school district
almost voted to have the
school buses run only one
way.
When we played cops and
robbers it was with real
cops.
On top of this, we were very poor.
We had cracks in our floor so wide that in the winter
we had to put snow tires on our vacumn cleaner.
Our whole town was poor. The fat lady in our circus
only weighed 135 pounds.
We called our dog pound our dog ounce.
Our apartment was so small the only thing we could
do enlarge it was to scape off the wall paper.
On top of this I had very poor schooling.
I was in the eighth grade and still thought farm was
spelled EIEIO.
I thought it was Custer's last stand was where they
got the idea for arrow shirts.
I thought the Indians got to America first because
they had reservations.
I remember a key question I missed on history.
Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and on one of them he died. Which one? I was
weak in history, so I missed it.
The teacher said to me define a vacumn. I said,
"I can't think of it now, but I know it's in my head."
So much of our training did not make sense to me.
Little girls are trained to like dolls, and little boys to

like soldiers. Then they grow up and the girls like
the soldiers and the boys like the dolls.
I made people happy as a kid. I remember one teacher
saying it was the happiest day of her life when I graduated
from her class.
I had a teacher so crossed eyed she could not control her pupils.
She was so cross eyed that when she cried tears ran down her back.
They called it bacteria.
I was eager to learn, and so when the teacher said the best way
to stop a girl in histerics is to kiss her, I raised my hand immediately
and asked how do you get a girl to be histerical.
Many felt I would never get through college,
but I showed them. I made it through in just two
terms-Truman's and Isenhour's
When I wrote my first essay I took it to the teacher
and asked what she thought of it. She said, "For people
who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they
will like."
I may not have been smart but I saved my parents marriage.
They didn't get a divorce because neither of them wanted
to get custody of me.
I am always trying to come up with new ideas. Last week I
wrote to a pole company suggesting they make ll foot poles
for people who won't touch things with a 10 foot pole.
This background made it hard for me with girls.
I could have written the history of my romance on a
piece of confetti.
The first girl I dated said, "I'll marry you if you tell
me everything." Of course, I didn't know
everything, so that ended that relationship.
I once dated a girl who was a perfect model-for a ship
builder.
The next one I dated was so skinny the head waiter
asked me to check my umbrella. She was so thin she

had to pass a place twice to cast a shadow.
I tried to impress one girl by being a comic. She said
my first performance was over exporsure. She could
have been right, I got a silent ovation.
I asked another date if she could like a guy like me.
She said, "Sure-as long as he wasn't too much like
you.
I dated a girl called appendix. If you took her out
once that was enough.
I finally met Lavonne, she was different than any
other girl I had ever met. She liked me.
The first girl I proposed to was mean. I gave her this
gorgous diamond and said, "This is the symbol of the
love I have for you, it has no ending." She said, "It is also
a symbol of the love I have for you, it has no beginning."
I asked one girl, "What would I have to give you for a kiss?"
She said, "Chloroform."
I was getting desperate and said to one girl,
"I'll die for you." She responded, "When?"
We were standing by the fence on the farm watching
two cows rubbing noses, and I said, "I would like to do
that." She said, "Go ahead, its your cow."
Will you marry me? I asked a girl. She said no, but I will
always admire your taste.
One girl said there was something I liked about you at first
but now that you've spent it.
I decided to travel and work at different jobs.
I tried riding brama bulls, but that was such an on
and off thing.
I even tried kidnapping for a while, but had to give it
up, nobody could read my ransom notes.
I was a big gun at one place until they fired me.

I tried selling brushes so I could live a fuller life.
I told the boss in a precision factory that if I took the job
I would expect an extra 100 a week. He said are you that
good? o, I said, it is just so much harder when you don't
know what you are doing.
I tried sword swallowing in the circus for awhile, but
could only get pins down. They would not buy my
idea of telling people I was a sword swallower on a
diet.
I was getting so desperate at one point for something
to do that I began to read the obituaries every
morning. I know a lot of people do that, but I would
then go to the phone book and cut their names out.
I was just laying around the house every day in my
golf socks. I called them that because they each had
nine holes in them.
I was an upstanding citizen, why couldn't I get a job?
The reason I was upstanding was because they
repossessed my furniture.
I was becoming so pessimistic that I expected to find
bones in my animal crackers. othing seemed to go
right. I went out to eat and the chicken I got must
have died of starvation. I could have gotten more
protein by biting my lip.
I thought things would turn around when I got the
idea of showing disaster movies backwards. Jaws
would be about a shark that keeps vomiting people up
until the beach is full. The Poisidon Adventure would
be about a sunken ship that uprights inself just in
time for the ew Years Eve party.
The job interviewer kept saying to me, "Yes we have
an opening for you, don't slam it on your way out.
He had two extra phones installed so he could hang
up on more people.
I was never afraid of hard work. I fought it successfully
for years.

I started work for a tea company, but didn't last long when
I asked for a coffee break.
I finally took an aptitude test and found out I was best
suited to retirement.
I was a night watchman and swallowed my watch. I had
to go to the hospital to get it pumped out. It was all so
time consuming.
Only once did I take a pleasure trip. That was when I took
my mother in law back to the airport.
I once worked for the police force telling people bad news. I
had to tell this one guy his wife fell into the well. He
said its okey, we don't drink from that well anymore.
B
BAD LUCK HUMOR
BAD LUCK
HE BE T OVER TO PICK UP A FOUR LEAF CLOVER A D GOT STU G BY
A BEE.
I Pitcher for little league, and the first game I walked the first five batters. The
manager pulled me out, just when I had a no hitter going.
All his junk mail comes postage due.
Aspirin gives him a headache.
He had the twenty four hour virus for two weeks.
Health food makes him sick.

His artifical flowers wilted.
They lost his safe deposit box at the bank.
His swimming pool burned up.
His sun dial looses time.
His watch dog was stolen.
He found a pair of shoes but both were left feet.
He can't sleep, and even when he does he dreams that
he lisn't.
His life was so dull he was looking forward to his
dental appointment.
He is getting bald. His mother told him, when he
grew up he would come out on top.
I went to a guy who said he could guarantee his
method would reduce my bills. He put them on mic-
rofilm.
I stopped on the bus in a small town. I opened the
window and asked a kid there if he would go and
get me a sandwich. I gave him money to get him
self one too. He got back just as we were pulling out.
He gave me some change and said sorry they just had
one sandwich left, and he kept it.
The elevator in my apt. building was so slow they put
in movies. My landlord said he would send up heat
religiously. He did, once a week.
BIBLE HUMOR
Favorite Songs of Biblical Characters
oah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses:"The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All ight"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah:"Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah:"Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
ebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
C
HUMOR OF CHILDRE A D PARE TS
ILLUS: A school principal received a phone call. The voice said, "Thomas Bradley
won’t be in school today." The principal was a bit suspicious of the voice. He asked,
"Who is speaking?" The voice came back, "My father." --James S. Hewett,
Illustrations Unlimited
ILLUS: In Hank Ketcham’s comic strip "Dennis the Menace," Dennis is looking
through a catalog saying, "This catalog’s got a lot of toys I didn’t even know I
wanted." -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows,
When my daughter-in-law was pregnant, my son went with her to doctor
appointments. The day the doctor checked the baby's heartbeat for the first time,

he handed the stethoscope to my son to listen. The doctor said, "Sounds like a
washing machine, doesn't it?" My son agreed.
On the way home my son was very quiet. Then came these words: "If it's a boy,
we can name him Kenmore. If it's a girl, we could call her Maytag."
After our priest performed a baptism at Sunday Mass, one proud family spent a lot
of time taking photographs. A month later the priest was again performing
baptisms when he noticed the same family at the font. "Didn't I baptize your child a
few weeks ago?" he asked the parents.
"Yes, the mother responded, "but the pictures didn't turn out."
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet
and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood
upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour
it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
" ow, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have
Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To
make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
CHILDRE
1. My best friend from high school asked my four-year-old son, yle, to be the
ring bearer in her wedding. As he was warming up to the idea, yle asked
me, "Mommy, when I walk down the aisle, can I growl at everybody?" "Why would
you want to do that, honey?" I asked. "Well, Mommy," he said, "you told me
I'd get to be the ring bear!"
2. On my son's fifth birthday, KC looked at his hand. Counting on his fingers,
he said, "Mom, first I was one, then I was two, then three, yesterday I was
four. ow I'm a whole handful." And he has been ever since!
3. Recently I realized I'd never shown my four-and-a-half-year-old son, Cameron,
my baby pictures. After seeing them one day, he said, "If these are your
baby pictures, where are the dinosaurs?"
4. During a recent visit with my parents, my two-year-old daughter, Kylee, sat
at the kitchen table eating her lunch. My mom joined her, closed her eyes,
and bowed her head to say a silent prayer for her food. Kylee watched
inquisitively. As my mom raised her head and opened her eyes, Kylee asked,
" ana, did you have a nice nap?"

5. My second grader, Rachel, recently discovered that then one of her friends
lost a tooth, the friend received ten dollars from the tooth fairy. When
Rachel realized the tooth fairy only gave her <I>two</I> dollars, she asked
her friend's mother, "Mrs. Kraft, would you mind doing me a big favor? Would
you please call my mom and tell her which tooth fairy you use?"
6. My son, Matthew, was seven when the school sent home his standardized test
scores. When I saw that he had scored a 99 percent in math, I praised him
and said, "You must have inherited Daddy's math genes." The look on my
husband's
face was priceless when Matthew ran up to him and said, "Daddy, look what
I got on my math test. I guess I do have your math pants!"
7. One day my three-year-old daughter, Olivia, helped me with my grocery
shopping.
As we were standing in line waiting to check out, she looked around at all
the carts and noticed what other people were purchasing. She then noticed
the woman behind us had her weeks-old baby in the back of her cart. Olivia
tapped me on the arm, pointed to this woman's cart and asked in hopeful
anticipation, "Mommy, can we buy one of those?"
8. During the children's sermon at our church one morning, the kids sat on
thesteps in front of the
sanctuary as our pastor explained the Bible verse,"I will make you fishers of men"
(Matt. 4:1 9).
As he held up his fishingpole, he asked, "If I were going to fish for men, what kind
of bait do
youthink I should use?" Wi thout hesitation, one little boy replied, "Donuts!"
9. My dad likes to amuse my two-year-old dau ghter, Kristin, by "magically"
pullingquarters out
of her ears. On a recent trip to the store, Kristin spotteda gumball machin e and
immediately
began asking for money. I explained toher that the machine needed a quarter and I
didn't have
one. Wasting no time,she replied, "Well, look in my ears. Papa always finds money
there.
10. On our way to Grandma's house one Thanksgiving morning, my husband asked
our four-year-old daughter, Marissa, what she was thankful for. After thinking
a second, she replied, "I'm thankful for all my aunts and uncles." Seizing
the opportunity for a last-minute review, my husband said, "You sure have
a lot of them, don't you? Can you name them all?" In a condescending tone,
she replied, "Dad, they already have names."
David Bissonnette Subject: Funny

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly
trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on
Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did
you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God
did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's
right hand!"
A father said to his son when Lincoln was your age he studied hard every night.
The son responded and when he was your age he was president.
Children's otes to God
A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children
handed in:
Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have?
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they
had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on
vacation?
Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in
the house?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?
Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if
You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it
up.
Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much
hair all over.
Dear God: You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
Summer is the dreaded season
When youngsters for no earthly reason
Will slam until they almost splinter
The doors they didn’t shut all winter. Stephen Schlitzer
CHILDRE ’S MISU DERSTA DI G
One little guy told his teacher gorillas are always fighting, for you hear all the time
about gorilla warfare.
A little girl said the earth holds onto everything with its grabity.
One little girl thought Lincoln was shot because he was sitting in John Wilker’s
Booth.
As we were riding down the road one day, my 5-year-old said, "Mom, stop!
Stop!" I asked her why. She said, "You passed that sign." I was
wondering what she was talking about, so I asked her what the sign said.
She replied, "It said, Do ot Pass!"
*Just Shine It*
My niece, Sara, called my parents in Alabama, who had no electricity
because of a winter storm. The weather hadn't been bad at Sara's house,
in Mississippi. The first thing she always asks my mom is, "Whatcha

doin' Grandma?" Mama said, "Sitting here in the dark. What are you
doing?" Sara answered, "Watching TV. Why aren't you watching TV?" My mom
replied, "Because our lights are out." With logic only a 4-year-old has,
Sara asked, "Do you have a flashlight? Just shine it on the TV; then you
can see it." I think my dad literally rolled on the floor laughing when
my mom told him what Sara said. He told everyone he saw for the next six
months.
/--Mary E. Park, Vinemont, Ala./
*Childproof Cap*
When my daughter, Brittany, was 4 or 5, she was having some "growing
pains" in her legs and needed to take some Tylenol?. She had the bottle
and was trying in vain to get it open while I changed her baby sister's
diaper. I saw her frustration and explained that it was a childproof cap
and I would have to open it when I finished. Eyes wide with wonder,
Brittany asked, "How does it know it's me?"
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TE SIO A D YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS O THE ASPIRI BOTTLE:
" TAKE TWO ASPIRI " A D "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDRE "!!!!!
Solid Advice on Marriage from Kids
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her
parents." -Eric, Age 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He
says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get
divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but
she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out. -Anita, Age 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the
next one." -Kelly, Age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find
somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, Age 8
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she
should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -
Alan, age 10

" o person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can
spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, Age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -Bert, Age 5
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." -
Camille, age 10
" o age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." -Freddie, age
6
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but
their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out
about their values." -Lottie, Age 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what
kind." -Jeremy, Age 8
What Do Most People do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date." -Martin, Age 10
"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig,
Age 9
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8.
When is it OK to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and
her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10
" ever kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just
for a few hours." -Kally, Age 9

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I
stopped doing it." -Jean, Age 10
"When they're rich." -Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -Curt,
age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them. It's the right thing to do." -Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is it Better to be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -Kirsten, Age 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them." -Anita, Age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that
kind of trouble." -Will, Age 7
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. If
I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee
and diaper-changing." -Kirsten, age 10
Concerning why Love Happens Between Two Particular People:
" o one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you
smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -Jan, Age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it
isn't supposed to be so painful." -Harlen, Age 8
How Can a Stranger Tell If Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids." -Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids." -Lori, age 8
What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers to make

sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -Craig, age 9
On What Falling in Love is Like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -Roger, Age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes
too long." -Leo, Age 7
On the Role of Good Looks in Love:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't
hurt to be beautiful." -Jeanne, Age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -Gary, Age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -Christine, Age 9
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for
them." -Dave, Age 8
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' is on
television." -Anita, Age 6
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide
from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -Bobby, Age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -
Regina, Age 10
The Personal Qualities ecessary to be a Good Lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of
love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -Ava, Age 8
Some Surefire ways to Make a Person Fall in Love with You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -Del, Age 6
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but
attention ain't the same thing as love." -Alonzo, Age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.
French fries usually work for me." -Bart, Age 9
How can You Tell if Two Adults Eating Dinner at a Restaurant are in Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -
John, Age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people
care more about the food." -Brad, Age 8
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those
because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." -Christine, Age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least
once a day." -Michelle, Age 9
How a Person Learns to Kiss:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -Doug,
Age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." -Carin, Age 9
How to Make Love Endure:
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." -Ricky, age 10
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -Tom, Age 7
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the
trash." -Randy, Age 8
How Would the World be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" -Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same
as they do now." -Roberta, age 7 Wilkinson Family Home Site
The Bible According to Kids
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he
took the Sabbath off.
oah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is
bread without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manger.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one
to you.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Wilkinson Family Home Site
Steve Allen, the late great comedian, used to tell a story about a little girl who just
came home from Sunday School and asked her father when her recently born baby
brother would be able to talk.
"He won't be able to talk until he's about two years old," the father said.
"It was much better when they were writing the Bible," the young girl said.
"What makes you think that?," asked her father.
"They told us in Sunday School," replied the young child. "In the Book of Job, it
says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"
And finally, a colleague of mine named Ruth, told me about the time she was
painting the trim in her den. Her two young sons were boisterously playing at the
bottom of the ladder. Ruth was precariously perched at the top. When she came
down to calm the boys, the ladder shook and the bucket of blue paint spattered the
new white carpet.
Ruth was too distraught for words but her three-year-old son wasn't. He asked,
"Mom, shouldn't we say Damn?"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our
vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until
we were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed
us in. oticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. ow the
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Children's Logic: The teacher says
"Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down
the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the
lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure,"
said the young boy confidently. It means
carrying a child."
A grandfather was delivering his
grandchildren to their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was
a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing
the dog's duties. "They use him to keep
crowds back," said one child. " o," said another.
"He's just for good luck." A third child brought the
argument to a close."They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
My Grandparents are funny, when they
bend over; you hear gas leaks,
and they blame their dog.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
eedless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for
tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
THEOLOGY ... KID STYLE!
1. Dear God ... Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There
is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God ... Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a
puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God ... I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart.
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God ... I read the bible. What does beget mean? obody will tell me. Love,
Alison
6. Dear God .. Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in
the house? Anita
7. Dear God ... I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. ancy
10. Dear God . Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who
does? athan
14. Dear God ... Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
15. Dear God ... Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
He was just a little boy,
On a week’s first day.
Wandering home from Bible school,
And dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes through the grass;
He found a caterpillar.

He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
And blew out all the ‘filler.’
A bird’s nest in a tree o’er head,
So wisely placed up high.
Was just another wonder,
That caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course,
And hailed him from the lawn;
Asking where he’d been that day
And what was going on.
‘I’ve been to Bible School ,’ He said,
And turned a piece of sod.
Picking up a wiggly worm replied,
‘I’ve learned a lot about God.’
‘M’m very fine way,’ the neighbor said,
‘for a boy to spend his time.’
‘If you’ll tell me where God is,
I’ll give you a brand new dime.’
Quick as a flash the answer came!
or were his accents faint.
‘I’ll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain’t.’
~ Author Unknown
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly
prayers together. As do most children they blessed every family member, every
friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And
all girls."
As including this at the end soon became part of her nightly routine, my curiosity
got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all
girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me
how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for

a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
When I called home one day, my six year old son answered the phone. "Hello," he
said, panting a little. I said, "Hi, ick. Wow, you sound out of breath." He replied,
" o, I have more."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and
was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car
accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those
who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars
block the entrance to McDonald's."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each
word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before
Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers
when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A EW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A EW I TE DO...
I PRAY FOR A EW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, " o, but Grandma is!"

Father to small boy: "One thing in your favor-with these grades, you couldn't
possibly be cheating."
A little girl returned from her first day in school and said proudly, "Mother, I was
the brightest one in my class!" "That's fine, Janie," her mother said, "But tell me
how it happened." "Well," Janie replied, "The teacher told each one of us to draw
a picture on the blackboard, and then the others were to guess what the picture was.
Mine was the only one no one could guess-but I knew exactly what it was all the
time!"
My son Billy burst in the door and announced that he had won a prize in his first-
grade class. After telling him how proud I was of him, I asked what he had
achieved. He said, "I won for having the oldest mom in the whole class!"
While I was talking to a parent of one of my third grade students, another teacher
walked by. The mother, remarking how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son
had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she paused and
added, "Good thing he has you."
A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before dinner. The family
members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for
all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa,
and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave
thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the
cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited-- and waited. After a long silence, the
young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli,
won't he know that I'm lying?"
The father had his boss coming over for dinner and he warned his kids not to say
anything about his bosses nose. He had a terrible accident in the plant and his nose
was cut off. As they sat around the table Johnny looked so puzzled, and finally he
said, "Dad-no need to worry about saying anything about Mr. Jenkins nose-he don't
even have any.
A father took his son to an art gallery to see famous paintings of early Christians.
When they stopped by the one where Christians were being fed to the lions the boy
began to whimper. The father said don't feel bad son they all went to heaven. It's

not that said the boy as he pointed to the picture-that lion in the corner isn't getting
any.
A father said to his boy, "A big boy like you afraid to sleep in the dark?" "It's easy
for you talk dad-you've got mom to look after you.
Boys can misunderstand directions so often. Dad said, "Willie I want you to run
over and see how old Mrs. Brown is today." After a few minutes he returned and
said, "Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."
Willie said his stomach was aching and mom said that's because it's empty, you'll
feel better if you get something in it. That afternoon the pastor called and while he
was there he said he had quite a headache. Willie saw his chance to get into the
conversation, and he said to the pastor thats because it's empty, you'd feel better if
you had something in it.
A father was telling his son about the Old Testament. He said the children of Israel
escaped from Egypt, and the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, and children of
Israel built the Temple. Finally the boy said, "Dad, didn't the grownups do
anything in the Old Testament?
The teacher asked the class who was the first man? One little boy said Little Joe.
o the teacher said. Then he responded Hoss. o said the teacher, it was Adam.
The little guy shook his head and said, "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.
coincidence
I often pause and wonder
At fates peculiar ways,
For nearly all our famous men
Were born on holidays.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDRE HAVE LEAR ED:
1) o matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) ever ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) ever hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEAR ED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWI G OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
CHURCH HUMOR
ILLUS: In Parker and Hart’s "The Wizard of Id" comic strip, one monk is putting
up a sign on the bulletin board in front of the church while another monk watches.
The sign reads "Thou Shalt ot Covet" and the visiting monk says, "Boy, I wish we
had a signboard like that at our church." -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows
I heard of a pastor who had a nice boat and he named it visitation. That way when
his wife answered the phone and they wanted him she could say he was out on
visitation.
"After a worship service one Sunday a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy
told my friend Pastor Don how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About
halfway through the sermon, she said she leaned over and whispered to her son, 'If
you don't sit still and be quiet, Pastor Don is going to lose his place and will have to
start his sermon all over again!”

The Preacher and His Horse
(from the Internet)
A preacher went to the stables to buy a horse. The stable owner chose a beautiful
bay horse and brought it over to the preacher. The stable owner said, "This horse is
just perfect for you. This beautiful mare was raised by another preacher and the
commands that this horse obeys would be very appropriate for you. For giddi-up
you say, "PRAISE GOD," and to stop you say, "AME ."
The preacher was very pleased so he bought the horse and rode it home. On the way
he crossed a meadow. His excitement at the beauty of the scene was overwhelming
and he said "PRAISE GOD" and the horse galloped across toward some hills. He
maintained his speed going up the hill and then he saw a cliff! "What was I
supposed to say to stop?? What? What? What? Oh yes! AME !! AME !"
The horse stopped at the very edge of a cliff. The preacher wiped the sweat off his
brow said, "PRAISE GOD"!!
SLEEPING IN CHURCH
A minister was chatting with a University student about the doctoral paper he was
preparing. Through reading and exacting studies with many patients, the student
was prepared to report that the type of converstaion that went on in the operating
room had a definite impact on the recovery rate of surgical patients.
The minister was especially interested in the finding that even though a patient
under anesthesia was totally "out of it", in a comatose like condition, positive
conversation by doctors and other attendants had a very beneficial affect on the
patient. As the pastor listened to this revelation, his face suddenly lit up, and he
said, "At last I've found some hope for the people who attend the Sunday morning
morning church service."
A mother with a little boy came out of church and said to the pastor, "I
thank you for that message, it filled my every need-I am full to
overflowing." The pastor thank her, and then asked the little boy if he
liked it too. He said, "Yeah, just like mom, I got a belly full."
CHURCH HOPPI G
There’s a story about a man who was stranded on a deserted tropical island, all by
himself, for twenty long years. Finally, after all that time, he was discovered by a
passing ship, and a rescue team sailed over to the island to retrieve the man.

There was great joy as the rescue team landed, and the team marvelled at the
accommodations the man had fashioned for himself. There were three large grass
huts on the island. They asked the man, "What are these three buildings you have
here?"
"Oh, that one is my house," said the man, pointing to one structure.
"That one over there is my church."
"And what about the third one?" the rescuers asked.
"Oh, THAT," said the man. "That's the church I USED to go to."
If Dr. Seuss Were a Theologian
by: Rev. Dean Kavouras
When your hermeneutic stumbles and your exegesis flops
and the Bible is so foreign that your conregation pops;
then add some razzle dazzle to the sermon that you preach
bring an apple dapple rapple to the pulpit with a peach.
Forget about confessions and the doctrines we hold tops
and rub the peaches fuzz fuzz on each member till he drops;
Feed them apple dapple rapple till each one you make him screach
and they hickle pickle tickle like St. Fickle when you teach.
Syncopation, insulation, aviation too
are the topics you should teach them so they always know "how to."
How to lay a babled cable to the stable of the Lord
and how to play the jump rope with the everlasting Word.
Synthesizers excorcise the duldrums and the blues
and they tickle fickle wickles to the bottoms of their shoes.
They don't want law or gospel it's too hard to think about,
they want to go home laughin' with some peach fuzz and a shout.
So dump those old dry hymnals with their humble bumble stuff
and get a new projector till you've stilled all of their guff.
They may not learn salvation or damnation to avoid,
but they'll sumble tumble bumble and not mumble a bad woid.
With their fickle wickles tickled, and their hands raised up in praise
They'll find the antichrist where every poggle-hoggle strays
And looking 'round about, with their ears all filled with din

From the trumpet's blaring noises and the drums a drumminin
They'll think their jumpin'-bumpin' heartbeat is the Spirit caught within
The prancin' of their dancin' and the 'we just wanna-in'.'
How smart and ever clever in their worship -- yes, they are!
Give them a bit more practice, and they'll have Him in a jar!
A rabbi,a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side,
so they decide to carpool.
The first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the
hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running to his church. He
emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the
island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going
to die! There's no food! o water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly that it
drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does
that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to
DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I
tithe ten percent on that $100,000 per week. My pastor will find me!"
ot So Good Sermons
A young minister took a rural parish. His wife kept herself busy with ministry and
hobbies. Three years later, the couple decided to move to another parish because the
church was dying. As the minister cleaned out the bedroom closet, he found an egg

carton filled with money. He counted out a dozen one-dollar bills and three
beautifully decorated eggs.
"What's this, sugar?" he asked his wife. "Oh, honey," she said bashfully, "I was
hoping you wouldn't find that." When her husband asked her to explain, she at last
complied.
"You see, dear," she said in an embarrassed tone, "one of my hobbies is decorating
eggs. When I get depressed, I decorate an egg and I feel better."
"Oh," the minister replied. "Tell me more. Why haven't you told me about this
before?"
"Well," she continued meekly, "The only time I get depressed is when you preach a
bad sermon. So I decorate an egg whenever you mess up really bad."
At that point, the minister grinned and hugged his wife. " ot a bad record, if I do
say so myself! Three years, over fifty sermons a year, and only three bad ones!"
After the hug, the wife spoke up again.
"There's something else I should tell you," she said bashfully. "Every time I got a
dozen eggs decorated I sold them to the women's missionary corps for a dollar."
JOB DESCRIPTIO FOR THE PASTOR
As nearly everyone knows, the Pastor has practically nothing to do except -
Decide what is to be done;
Tell somebody to do it;
Listen to reasons why it should not be done;
Listen to reasons why it should be done by someone else;
Listen to reasons why it should be done in a different way;
Follow up to see if the thing has been done;
Discover that it has not;
Inquire why;
Listen to excuses from the person who should have done it;
Follow up again to see if the thing has been done, only to
Discover that it has been done incorrectly;
Point out how it should have been done;
Conclude that as long as it has been done, though incorrectly, it may as well be left
as it is;
Wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing right;
Reflect that certainly any successor would be just as bad, or even maybe worse;
Consider how much simpler and better the thing would have been done if one had
done it himself in the first place;
Reflect sadly that one could have done it right in twenty minutes, and as things
turned out, one has to spend two days to find out why it has taken three weeks for
somebody else to do it wrong.
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church

bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and meditation to follow. (medication?)
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies
wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg
on the altar.
ext Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early
and listen to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth With Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good
sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church
basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and orth ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start
quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join
the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth
of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a ational PRAYER & FASTI G
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
ext Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot
dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"
ext Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She
is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break
Forth into Joy."
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends
a friendship that began in their school days.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans,
bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious
hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of
our members in honor of his wife.

Top 10 Christian Pick-up Lines
I just don't feel called to celibacy.
Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?
I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith.
What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?
You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa. (DO OT get this
confused!)
You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism.
I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date.
Before tonight, I never believed in predestination...
Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical.
And the number one Christian pick-up line...
I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight.
Footprints, Revisited
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for human feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand."
Author unknown

Spurgeon laughed as often as he could. He laughed at the ironies of life, he laughed
at comical incidents, he laughed at the amusing elements of nature. He sometimes
laughed at his critics. He loved to share wholesome jokes with his friends and
colleagues in ministry. He was known to tell humorous stories from the pulpit.
William Williams, a fellow pastor who kept company with Spurgeon, was a near
and dear friend in the latter years of Spurgeon’s life. He wrote:
What a bubbling fountain of humour Mr. Spurgeon had! I laughed more, I verily
believe, when in his company than during all the rest of my life besides. He
had the most fascinating gift of laughter…and he had also the greatest ability for
making all who heard him laugh with him. When someone blamed him for
saying humourous things in his semons, he said, “He would not blame me if he only
knew how many of them I keep back.”
Spurgeon considered humor such an integral part of his ministry that a whole
chapter in his autobiography is devoted to it. Humor permeates his sermons and
writings, often woven into the fabric of his messages. It's one reason among many
why he is still so readable today.
Misbehaving
God decided to check on His creatures here on Earth and see what was going on. He
decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So, He called one of His
angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel
to get another opinion." So, God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a
time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it is true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not at all pleased. So, He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good because
He wanted to encourage them... give them a little something to help them keep
going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
o?

I didn't get one either!
Church One-liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket
case.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come
close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the
back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which
one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just
sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you.
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
HYM S -- The Way We'd Sing Them (if we were honest)
The Door Magazine

I Surrender, Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on othing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' ame!
When Peace, Like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere ear Me
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
The BC Letter
There once was an old lady; quite sensitive and always elegant in her language. She
and her husband were planning a weekâs vacation at a campground. She wrote for

a reservation and wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped in terms
of its bathroom facilities. She being so elegant and delicate didn't know how to write
about something so gross as the toilet. ot being able to bring herself to write the
word "toilet," she decided instead to use the old-fashioned term "bathroom
commode." So she wrote out the whole letter using the term "bathroom commode."
After reading it she decided that even that term was too crude and so she decided to
abbreviate "bathroom commode" to "BC". So what she actually wrote was, "Does
the campground have its own BC?"
Well the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he received the
letter he couldn't figure out what she was writing about. This "BC" business
stumped him. He then decided to show some of the campers and they couldn't
imagine what the lady meant, either. The campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be inquiring about the location of the nearest Baptist
Church. So he sat down and wrote her the following reply:
Dear madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter but I now take pleasure in
informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground. It is capable of
seating 250 people. I admit that that is quite a distance to go if you are in the habit
of going regularly. But no doubt you'll be glad to know that a great deal of people
take their lunches along. They make a day of it arriving early and staying late. The
last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up
the whole time. I would like to say it pains me not to go more often, and it certainly
is no lack of desire on my part, but as we grow older it seems more of an effort.
Remember we want you to know that this is a friendly campground so, if you decide
to come here, I'd be glad to go with you the first time. I'll sit with you and introduce
you to all the other people.
Sincerely yours,
The Owner
GOD'S A SWERI G MACHI E
I have learned to live with the answering machine as a necessary part of
modernization. But I have often wondered - What if God decided to install an
automated answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this - "Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for a
thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. For all other inquiries, press 4.
What if God used the familiar excuse: "All the Angels are helping other customers
right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was
received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer? "If

you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1. For Michael, press 2. For any other Angel,
press 3." "If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6." To find out if
your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows."
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where
oah's ark is, wait 'till you get here!" "Our computers show that you have called
once today already. Please hang up immediately." "This office is closed for the
weekend. Please call again Monday."
THA K GOD YOU CA 'T CALL HIM TOO OFTE ! YOU O LY EED TO
RI G O CE, A D GOD HEARS YOU. BECAUSE OF JESUS, YOU EVER
GET A BUSY SIG AL. GOD TAKES EACH CALL A D K OW EACH
CALLER PERSO ALLY.
There were two evil brothers named Pat and Mike. They were both rich and used
their money to keep their highly illegal ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
One day, Pat died and his brother Mike went to see the Pastor of their church. Mike
handed the Pastor a VERY generous check -- enough to completely re-model the
church's delapidated building.
"If you want this money," Mike told the Pastor, "I have only one condition. When
you preach at Pat's funeral, you must say that he was a saint."
Frowning, the Pastor gave Mike's request careful consideration. Finally the pastor
agreed to Mike's demand and accepted the check.
The next day at the funeral, the Pastor did not hold back. "Pat was an evil and
selfish
man," the Pastor said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this manner for a while, the Pastor smiled a beatific smile and
said, "But compared to his brother Mike, Pat was indeed a saint."
Louis was VERY wealthy. He was also very near to dying.
Louis was very sad because he had worked hard for his money and didn't want to
leave it all behind. So he prayed that God would allow him to bring some of his
wealth with him to heaven.
An angel appeared to Louis and informed him that God had reluctantly decided to
allow him to take one suitcase of money to heaven with him.
Overjoyed, Louis grabbed his largest suitcase and filled it with solid gold bars.
Soon after, Louis died and went to greet St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
Peter noticed the suitcase and said, "I see you have the carry-on bag that God
allowed you to bring. However, I have to check it's contents before letting it
through."
When Peter opened the suitcase, his jaw dropped wide open. Finally he recovered
and gasped, "For goodness sakes, Louis, what in the world do you want with all that

pavement?"
CHURCH SIG S
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily
How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or on-smoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
Come work for the Lord. The hours are long, the pay is low, but the
retirement benefits are out of this world.
Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? (U R)
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
o God -- o Peace. Know God -- Know Peace.
Free Trip to Heaven!! Details Inside!
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
CLEVER ESS HUMOR
A man was struck by a car as he walked across the street. Ultimately, the matter
came to court. In his argument to the jury, the attorney for the driver of the car
said: "My client has been driving for forty years and his record is blameless. ever
before was he in an accident." Whereupon the attorney for the pedestrian rose and
said, "It appears that my learned colleague would like to resolve this matter on the
basis of experience. In that case, I can tell you that my client has been walking for
sixty years and that his record is blameless. ever before has he been struck down
by a car."
There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not?
Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the
black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.

When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with
the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the
inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known,
death.
Although the Yid protested that he was a foreigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The
judge refused to reduce the sentence.
"The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on
people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner,
and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business,
legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has
mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask
and you shall be granted them. The only condition is that you can not request to
commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will
have to pay for your crime."
"O.K., if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in
the Carpathian mountains."
"What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer! There isn't any snow
now!"
"Well," the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait.
Because that's my first wish"
"Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. "When
the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him
ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to
me to complete his sentencing."
Six months later the police came to the man's house and took him up to the most
beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day
and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.
"All right, the state has granted your first wish. What is your second wish?"
"Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request."
"What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now!"
"Well," the Yid answered, "I'm prepared to wait."
"O.K.," The judge said banging down his gavel, "the police will come to you on a
beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your
hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete
the sentencing."

On a beautiful summer's day, the police came to the man's house and took him to
the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and
then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge.
"The state has kept it's word. ow you may have your last wish, after which you
will be executed! What is it?"
"Well," the Yid began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a
cemetery along side of you."
"What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?"
"I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait"
COLLEGE HUMOR
Another Day in the Life of a College Student
Up too late the night before.
Want to stay in bed some more.
Searching for a matching sock
in time to make my eight o'clock.
Sprinting all the way to class.
Slowly running out of gas.
Walking in the pouring rain.
A thunderstorm's inside my brain.
Soaking wet, I make it in.
Professor asks me where I've been.
I try to think up some excuse.
"It's chronic eight o'clock abuse!"
Writing till my hand falls off.
Don't have time to even cough.
Can't get breakfast off my mind.
ow I'm half-a-page behind!
Man, this lecture's really boring.
Is it me that I hear snoring?
o, it's just the ocean breeze.
I'm floating on a piece of cheese
sailing off to la-la land,
while jamming to a reggae band.
And as I lay me down to rest,
please let me dream I pass my test.
And if I don't, for goodness sake,

just let me sleep till summer break!
COMPUTER HUMOR
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Jerry Zar, Dean of the Graduate School,
orthwestern Illinois University
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns
are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and
female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine
gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. o one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘el
computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten a better model.
So are computers feminine or masculine?

CO FIDE CE HUMOR
I'M FI E THA K YOU
There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
The moral is this, as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my "get up and go" just got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my "get up" has been.
Old age is golden, I've heard it said;
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed
With my ears in the drawer my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?"
When I was young my slippers were red,
I could kick my heals over my head
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But I still could dance the whole night through.
ow I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is still missing, I know I'm not dead
So I fix me some breakfast and go back to bed.

CRIMI AL HUMOR
IS IT EVER RIGHT TO LIE?
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.
On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don’t use
dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were
floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a
stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely
shaken."
D
DEATH HUMOR
Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went
to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant
she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through
her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a
black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in
a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert
before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears
as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician,
"Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was
brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was
quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.

"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
Funerals mean death, but they also can mean life-just as sewing is the
death of a seed, but it is life of the plant. It is the end of the seed but
the beginning of the plant, or the higher life of the seed. Many Jews
were saved from the azis by use of funerals. In Oct. 1943 there was
a somber procession of mourners moving through the streets of
Copenhagen, Denmark. azi guards paid no serious attention. At the
cemetery the procession of Jews were smuggled out of the country. Dr.
Karl Koster who conceived the whole idea was the registrar of the
hospital. He used the hospital to hide Jews and take by ambulance
to places where they could get out of the country. Thousands of Jews
walked in many funeral possessions and escaped.
DIET HUMOR
I decided I had to stop living
beyond my seams.
The only thing that was getting
thinner was my hair.
I ate so much I got thick to my
stomach.
I decided to go to great length
to change my width.
Oh, to be weighed and found wanting.
I discovered I was one of 25
million over weight men.
Those of course are round
figures.
I had too much army food,
everything I was eating
went to the front.
I learned you can't blame the
platter if you keep
getting fatter, for that is not

what is the matter.
E
EPITAPH HUMOR
HUMOROUS EPITAPHS
* Beneath this stone lies a merry lass
Who aimed for the brake and hit the gas
* Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, I bet, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below
* First a cough that carried me off
Then in a coffin they carried me off in
* He caught a fishbone in his throat
Which made him sing an angel's note
* Bob took time off work
By bourbon required
Then he took to the road
ow he's semi-retired
* Once I wasn't and the I was
And now I ain't all over again
* Ida Voider:
She walked in beauty like the night -
Beware her now, she's such a fright!
* When your razor is dull but you need a shave

Think of the man who lies in this grave
* Any day above ground is a good day
* Rest in peace, dear Cousin Hewitt,
We all know that you didn't do it.
* While living folks my tomb do view,
Remember well - there's room for you!
* Farewell my young companions all
From death's arrest no age is free
Remember this, a warning call
Prepare to follow after me
* The wise, the sober and the brave
Must try the cold and silent grave
* Time was I stood where thou dost now
And viewed the dead as thou dost me
Before long you'll be as low as me
While others stand and gaze at thee
* Stop by here, my friends, as you pass by
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now so you still must be.
Prepare for death and follow me.
* Behold and see as you pass by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now you soon will be
Prepare for death and follow me
* Sweet Rosie O'Grady
Carpenters daughter by birth
She decided 'twas time to leave this Earth
She swallowed a tape measure
But dying by inches is hard
So she went out in the garden
And died there by the yard
* He stole our stuff - he had no class
So we got medieval on his ass
* We all have a debt to nature due
I've paid mine - and so must you.

* Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' more than he could pay
* Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
ow she's at rest and so am I.
* It does my heart a world of good
To see you buried in a box of wood
You slept with them all when you were a-creepin'
ow you sleep alone while worms start to seep in.
In loving memory from your grieving widow...
* Expert gardener Pete Moss
Is now enriching the soil
* Grimm Rictus
1837 - 1913
Death's Grip Holds Me Tight,
But I Shall Return One ight
* Ruth and Johnny, side by side,
Went out for an auto ride
They hit a bump - Ruth hit a tree
And John kept going
Ruthlessly.
* She was a suicide blonde -
Dyed by her own hand.
* The hyacinthine boy for whom
Morn well might break and April bloom.
* On the 22nd day of June
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune
* This stone was raised to Sarah Ford,
But not Sarah's virtues to record
For they're well known to all the town
o Lord - it was raised to keep her down!
* Life is a jest, and all things show it -
I thought so once and now I know it!
* Pass on, reader, and don't waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme
For what I am this stone insures,

And what I was is no affair of yours.
* Stop, reader, pray and read my gate
What caused my life to terminate
For thieves by night when in my bed
Broke in my house and shot me dead.
* Loving and kind in all their ways,
Upright and just to the end of their days.
Sincere and true in Heart and Mind,
What a beautiful memory they left behind
* Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease -
He is not here, there's only his pod.
He shelled out his peas and went to his God.
* John Penny
Reader, if cash you are in want of any
Dig six feet deep and you'll find a Penny
* Don't attempt to climb up in a tree
That's what caused the death of me!
* Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here I lie because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
But here I lie as warm as they.
* An amiable father here lies at rest
As ever God with his image blest.
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, the guide of youth
* Buried here beneath this clay
Lies gardener John Arbothnaut Jay
ow in his simpeternal home
A constant source of high-grade loam
* When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten,
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
*
He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,

And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
* Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, it's said, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below.
* Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
* You reading this stone should really know,
The chap buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree, thus removing his head!
* Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I say!
So when I told her she was getting fat,
She caved in my head with a baseball bat!
* All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
* He said he knew he ought to quit
With every cigarette that he lit
So now his butt will always lie
In the big ashtray in the sky
* In heavy traffic he'd never postpone
A single call on his cell phone
So listen closely and I vow
He's still asking "Can you hear me now?"
* Anna Retsick always wanted to be thin
Wishing she looked like bones and skin
Saying no to every dish
ow at last she got her wish
*

This is a tomb with quite a view
Do come in, there's room for you
But hearken, dear mortal,
And mind me well
For I warn you now
The view is from HELL
* Born of women
Killed by lead
He most likely had
Your wife in bed
* Stephen and time
Are now both even
Stephen beat time
But now time's beat Stephen
* I was somebody ~
Who is no business of yours!
* Dr. Fred Roberts
1875~1931
Office Upstairs
* Mr. Fish
Worms are bait for fish
But here's a sudden change
Fish is bait for worms
Is not that passing strange
* I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And I here I lay -
Carolina dead!
* Dr. Ignatius Letsome
When people's ills they come to I
I physics, bleeds and sweats 'em
Sometimes they lives, sometimes they die
What's that to I?
I. Letsome
* He was so brave
He was so cute
Until he forgot
His parachute

* Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug
<<and next to that gravestone, another reads:>>
Here I lie snugger than that other bugger
* He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends
It made a lovely light!
* William Wilson -
Here lieth W.W.
Who never more will
Trouble you, trouble you
* 1890 - The light of my life has gone out.
1891 - I have struck another match
*
To follow thee is not my intent
Unless I know which way thou went
* Weep not for me mother and brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
AT my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home
* I shopped, I bought
In debt, I rot
* Those reading this stone should really know,
the fellow buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree thus removing his head!
* Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I'd say.
So when I told her she was getting fat,
she caved in my head with a baseball bat!
* Rest in Peace athaniel Ward
His Chevy ova hit a Ford
* Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

* Blown upward, out of sight
He traced the leak by candle light
* When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten.
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
* A.O. Elle
1985-2005
Connection Terminated
* Shot in the head by a golfer's gun
He sure put a hole in Juan!
* His speed was high, the weather not
His tires were worn - X marks the spot
* The midnight ride of Paul for beer
Led to a warmer hemisphere
* Traveled too long - the driver snoozing
What happened next was not amusing.
* ow I really am between a rock and a hard place!
* 36-33-01-24-17
Honey you don't know what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this, a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich, Eufala, Alabama)
* He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,
And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
* Daughter of virtue! Moist thy tear.

This tomb of love and honor claim;
For thy defense the husband here,
Laid down in his youth his life and fame.
* Farewell friends and parents dear,
I am not dead, but sleeping here.
Prepare for death, for die you must
And with your Laura, sleep in dust.
* Her last look we shall never forget,
Though hard to see her expire.
She smiled as she bade us adieu
And said she was going up higher.
* He passed from our sight
Like a dream or a story
From a bosom of love
To a mansion of glory.
* Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
* See death remove the eldest son,
Just as the family is begun;
And three pairs of twins in a short space,
To quicken us in the Christian race.
* Weep not for me, mother & brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
At my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home.
* All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
* Here I lie
It's no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Rolled over my head.
* Warm summer sun, shine kindly here

Warm southern wind, blow softly here
Green sod above, lie light, lie light
Good-night, dear heart,
Good-night, good-night.
* She failed her breathalyzer test
ow she lies with all the rest
* Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels
* She was dear as life could be
Hath crossed alone the narrow sea
Why should we fear the distant shore
Since she we loved has gone before
* Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin'
So he sought for repose a twelve-dollar coffin.
*
Short was her sickness, severe her pain
To rest in peace is now her gain
Dry up your tears and weep no more
She is not lost, but gone before
*
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bred
And the Lord did send them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
*
Open, open wide ye golden gates
That lead to the heavenly shore,
Our father suffered in passing through
And Mother weighs much more
*

At rest beneath this slab of stone
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt
He died one morning just at ten,
And saved a dinner by it
* A light from our household is gone
A voice we loved is stilled
A place is vacant in our hearts
Which never can be filled
* That once loved form,
ow cold and dead,
Each mournful thought employs
We weep our earthy comforts fled
And withered all our joys
* Sleep on sweet baby and take thy rest
God called thee home - He thought it best
*
Shed not for her the bitter tear
or give the heart to vain regret
'Tis but the casket that lies here
The gem that filled it sparkles yet
*
'Gone fishing', the sign said
that hung upon the door.
An Angel had put it there
God was waiting on the shore.
*
I'm dead now and here I lie
I hear no laugh and I hear no cry
Where I've gone and how I fare
obody knowing now gives a care
*
Heave a sigh for old John Doak
He didn't know his brakes were broke
*

Planted here beneath sod,
At peaceful rest lies brother Claude
*
The pipes have called
For our good friend John
He once was here
But now is gone
* Here lies an obnoxious punk
Played a loud stereo in his piece of junk
He came through my hood, which wasn't smart
ow he's buried under my tombstone art
* Lived a life of stress and worry
Rushing through it in a hurry
Didn't stop to smell the roses
But now he feeds them as he decomposes
*
Here lie the remains of dear old Randy
A heck of a guy, but now worm candy
*
Beneath this stone is our pal Richard
His fall from the Space eedle
Left the sidewalk fissured
*
The curtain made it's final call
For our wonderfully operatic Paul
Thought the orchestra pit was
Ten more steps when he went splat
He forgot to C# so now he B-flat
*
"Checkmate!" was the call
To dear old Jon
On the chessboard of life,
He was just a pawn
*

Here lies hypochondriac Rick
For once he was right
When he said he was sick
*
Maria has gone to the Pearly Gate
For once in her life, she wasn't late!
*
Here lies Lisa who always played Lotto
And now she lies in this loamy grotto
*
Here lie the of bits & pieces
of Jumpin' George
Still had bungie cord left
At the bottom of the gorge
*
He said " o net!" and knew no fear
He made a misstep and wound up here
*
To Lance Linguini, we raise a toast
He saw five sharks swimming off the coast
He outswam four - but the fifth? Almost!
(This would be good with a stone shaped like a shark fin!)
*
Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deemed it quite a bore
And now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needeth bread no more.
* He found a rope and picked it up
And walked away with it.
It happened to the other end
A horse was hitched, they say.
They took the rope and tied it up
Unto a hickory limb.

It happened that the other end
Was somehow hitched to him!
* She was not smart, she was not fair
But hearts with grief are swellin'
All empty stands her little chair
She died of eatin' watermelon
* Beneath this stone, we lie
Back to back, my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up, then I'll lie still
* Little Willy in the best of sashes
Played with fire and was burnt to ashes
Very soon the room got chillly
But nobody like to poke poor Willy.
* Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free
For holding it in
Was the killing of me!
* I was not
I am not
I grieve not
* As a stranger she did die,
In strange lands she doth lie
Here by strangers was laid
And her funeral charges paid.
* Tired of this eternal buttoning and unbuttoning
* I made an ash of myself
* Here lies an old Atheist by the name of Joe -
All dressed up, but no place to go!
* A victim of fast women and slow horses
* In memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life ovember 2, 1837
Aged 45 years
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood,
One Wood within the other

The outer wood is very good
We cannot praise the other
*
We all have a debt to nature due,
I've paid mine and so must you.
*
Life is a jest and all things show it
I thought so once, but now I know it.
*
You might be a king or just a street sweeper
But sooner or later, you dance with the reaper
* Here at rest lies Cowboy Joe
Grabbed the bull by the horns
But forgot to let go
* Killed by a lion, poor Betty Lou
While feeding it at Woodland Park Zoo
Such a shame she was not wiser -
Since she ended up his appetizer
* Here he lies, all cold and hard,
The last darn varmint that pooped in my yard
*
I was alive, but now I'm not
So now I lay here, continuing to rot.
Please be kind. Please be sincere,
And next time you visit, please bring me a beer!
*
Poor little Lily - ow food for worms
She didn't use soap and caught some germs
*
He liked to play, did little Matt
He played in traffic - And now he's flat

*
Poor poor Sally - she lost her life
She ran and stumbled with a knife
*
Lovely, lovely, little Blanche
Fell from the tree and hit every branch
*
Little Jenny ate too many sweets
ow her little heart no longer beats
*
Beneath this plot lies little ed
He caught a cold and now he's dead
*
Too much candy made Billy burst
They boxed up the pieces in the hearse
*
His sister caught him unawares
Startled, Sammy fell down the stairs
* Under this stone lies Billy Joe Bob
Stealing chickens was his last job
* He had no friends because everyone hated him
Except for the worms, because they ates him.
* He was a simple man who died of complications
*
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boost of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
* The kid could play soccer -
This was no idle boast.

But the ball hit the net
When his head hit the post.
For a Wife and Husband
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
(the husband adds)
I am not grieved, my dearest wife.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
EXAGGERATIO HUMOR
SIR WATKI WILLIAMS WY E talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
family, which he carried up to oah, was told that he was a mere mushroom of
yesterday. “How so, pray ?” said the baronet. “Why,” continued the other, “when I
was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown to me : it filled five large
skins of parchment, and near the middle of it was a note in the margin : ‘About this
time the world was created.’ ”
EXERCISE HUMOR
Life's Real Workout
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body
doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program
without charge.

01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.
F
FAMILY HUMOR
They got a bran' new baby
At Bud Hicks' house, you see.

You'd think Bud Hicks had somethin'
The way he talks to me!
He comes around a-braggin',
An' when he wouldn't quit
I said: "What good's a baby?
You can't hunt fleas on it."
Then Bud turned to me an' told me
How loud that kid could yell,
An' lots I can't remember,
He had so much to tell.
But I got tired o' hearin'
An' so I ast him, quick,
"If you wuz in a-swimmin'
Could it go get a stick?"
There is no use a-talkin',
Bud thinks their baby's fine!
Huh! I'd a whole lot rather
Jest have a pup like mine.
I'll bet it's not bald-headed!
But if Bud doesn't fail
To let me hear it yellin',
I'll let him pull Spot's tail.
A O YMOUS.
FART HUMOR
Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the
first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the
reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of
wind. By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and
into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and
walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud
fart.
Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning
to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two
friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"
This (true?) story dates from 1940:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He
loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never
go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
Sign: Get Gas A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects
before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,
so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel
better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled
worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a
real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with
his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After
assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled
"SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

DIFFERE T KI DS OF FARTS
Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor
cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly
fart.
Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross
between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.
Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor
which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see
below).
Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more
sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your
asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your
pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone
sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.
Kliban cartoon of powerful fart
Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless
cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'
Yellow surprise
Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe
that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of
virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very
dangerous.
Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells
foul.
Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release
it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to
the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.
ToiletPoopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a
tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks
fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a

housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a
business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.
Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.
Fart SmilieSBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the
occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators
haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as
SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)
Dangerous Gases sign!
G L (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay
where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart...
ext big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your
wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a
cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing
white trousers.
ot ow Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it
due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.).
You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for
the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end
you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth
approach (see below).
Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly
take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds
later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You
point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you
had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious
gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers
when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee,
releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole
day.
Fireball
Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.
Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding
your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it.
Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.

FAT HUMOR
My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, Though I knoweth, I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, It exciteth me.
For I knoweth that sooneth shall I dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life And I shall be 'pleasingly plump' forever.
UNKNOWN
Time To Diet You Know It's Time To Diet When....You dance and it makes the
band skip.You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22
more years to live.You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.You go to the zoo and the
elephants throw you peanuts.Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your
picture.You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.You could sell
shade.You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
“Its worth noting one grisly fulfilment of James’ prediction. Some 25 or 30 years
later when the Roman general Titus captured the city of Jerusalem, after a lengthy
siege he tortured the obese citizens of the city to get possession of their wealth. It
was obvious they had access to resources the starving populace did not have.”
G

GOD HUMOR
God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in
dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me
win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as
well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why
have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant
to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in
order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is
overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this...
Buy a ticket"
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples."
WOME HARD TO U DERSTA D
An Italian Man Gets One Wish
An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that

kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish
you think would honor and glorify me."
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been
married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and
insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly
happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
God's Kids
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said
was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
" o way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do OT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID OT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this
story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If
God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake
for you?
H
HEALTH HUMOR
The REAL Truth about Exercise
Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
Jogging is not really exercise, but rather a form of self- abuse. Besides, do you really
want legs as ropy as a veal shank?
o one at your health spa will ever look like they need to exercise ... except you.
It is unsafe to lift weights unless you've a driver ready to take you to the hospital
when you rip your deltoids.
Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing; if you believe it is, you

have serious problems.
o matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done quietly at your
desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as you twitter around in your
chair.
Jumping rope is a very good way to lose inches and teeth. It's sublimely easy to trip
and fall on our chin while doing double dutch.
ext to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around for an
hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard racket should
immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
Push-ups often lead to throw-ups.
Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
Sports are extremely dangerous activities for injury-prone amateurs and should be
left to paid professionals. Why else would God have invented TV and the Super
Bowl?
Author unknown.
HEAVE HUMOR
A man died and ...
(One of the few theologically-correct heaven's gate jokes)
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 1000 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of
points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 1000 points,
you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its
ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked
in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POI TS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by

the grace of God!"
"994 points! Come on in!"
HUMOR I HEAVE based on Rev. 21:4
By Pastor Glenn Pease
W. Douglas Roe pastored a large Baptist church in Philadelphia, where he had a
weekly radio broadcast. He was also going to seminary, and the load became to
heavy, and he had a breakdown. He was out of the pulpit for many months. He had
to learn to relax, and so he became a sort of comedian. He discovered his sense of
humor, not only saved him, by bringing healing, but it was a useful tool for saving
others for eternity.
He was asked to speak at a noon service in a large industrial plant. He was told
about a certain worker who was a ardent atheist. He would never attend the
service. Roe deliberately walked up to this man's bench, just before the meeting,
and said to him, "Did you ever think how much we have to thank God for?"
Before he could respond, Roe continued, "Take your nose for example. If anyone
else but God had given it to you, it might have been turned upside down. Then if it
rained, you would drown, and if you sneezed, you would blow your hat off." Roe
just walked on up to the pulpit. The man was so intreagued by his humor, that he
stayed to listen. He heard the Gospel, and made a decision for Christ. Humor
became his first step on the way to heaven. Humor never saves, only Christ does,
but humor may bring one to Christ.
A study of the great preachers of history, and the most popular in our
contemporary world, will reveal that humor is a powerful tool in bringing people to
Christ, and thus to heaven. Spurgeon used a lot of humor, and he wrote, "It always
makes me laugh when I am called a sour Puritan, because you know there is nobody
with a quicker eye for fun, or with a deeper vein of mirth, than I have." D.L.
Moody loved to get together after an evangelistic service, and relax by telling jokes.
A lady once asked him how he could laugh so soon after the serious labor of dealing
with souls. He said, "If I didn't, I'd have a nervous break down at the pace at which
I live."
Calvin and Luther, and even Jonathan Edwards, the hell-fire preacher, had a
keen sense of humor. Some of the great Christians of history had to learn to control
their sense of humor. David Livingston, who opened up Africa to missions, and who
suffered enormous hardships, said to his wife, more than once, as they would
recover from their fits of laughter, "Really, my dear, we ought not to indulge in so
many jokes. We are getting to old. It is not becoming. We must be more staid." It
is almost universally accepted as a fact of life, that it is a great virtue to have a sense
of humor. The question is, will we go on in enjoying a sense of humor in heaven?
Will we laugh forever, or will laughter be to earthly to be a part of the perfection of
the holy city?
The Bible is our only source for reliable information on heaven. Let me share
with you those texts which convince me that humor is not merely temporal, but

eternal. I am convinced that humor is a part of the image of God, and that it is not
the result of the fall. Here in Revelation 21:4, John tells us plenty about what will
not be heaven. There will be no tears, no mourning, no crying, no pain, and death
will also be no more. The whole point of these negatives, is for the purpose of
magnifying the positives. If death is gone forever, then it follows, life is present
forever, for there can be no end to it with death gone. If tears and mourning and
crying are gone forever, it follows that there opposites, joy and laughing, are free to
be experienced forever. There need be no fear that some sudden tradgey will turn
our laughter to sorrow, as is the case in time.
If it can be established that laughter and a sense of humor is good, then it follows,
naturally, that they will be a part of eternal life, for nothing that it good wilieve it,
and by their solemn piety drive people away from the stream of life!"
We need to think more seriously about the nature of humor to grasp it's
importance in the nature of God. If I can laugh at the monkey's, little children, and
other funny things of life, but God cannot, then it would mean, I have a positive
quality of character that God does not have. This, of course, can never be, for I am
made in His image. Laughter must either be a part of that image, or be a result of
the breaking of that image in the fall. Since all agree that a sense of humor is a
positive quality in man, we have to conclude, it is a quality of God's nature, and will
be eternal.
If the angels rejoice over every sinner who repents, I am sure that God the Father
and the Son do not sit in solemn silence, but join the celebration. The father of the
Prodigal Son called for a celebration when his son returned, and they began to make
merry. If that father could go out and sulk with the elder son, and not enter into the
joy and laughter of the party, then we would have a picture opposite of what Jesus
gives us. He portrays this father, who represents God, as entering fully into the joy
and laughter of the celebration. It can be assumed that God will do so in the eternal
celebration of heaven.
I link laughter to joy, because it is almost impossible to conceive of a joyous
banquet, where there is no laughter. Laughter is a part of a joyous time. It is not
likely you would call any occasion joyous, if there was no laughter. If you could sit
at the marraige supper of the Lamb, and never laugh, you would be able to say, this
is great, but I remember a time on earth that was even greater. You can count on it,
there will be no memories in heaven, that recall times on earth of greater joy and
laughter. If laughter is not a part of heaven, it will lack a value we all teasure in
time. This can never be.
Jim Elliot, the missionary martyr, wrote in his diary, when he was a senior at
Wheaton, "God has blessed me with a queer twist that makes me laugh at almost
anything." Dr. Donald Gray Barnhouse, the great preacher and author, wrote,
"There is no objection to laughing at something funny. I read some magazines just
to laugh at the cartoons, and then throw them down without reading any of their
articles or stories." One of Wesley's favorite sayings was, "Sour godliness is the
devil's religion." Proverbs 15:15 says, all the days of the afflicted are evil, but a
cheerful heart has a continual feast." Because this is so, we should be a people who
long to develop our sense of humor, and pray with the poet-
Give me the gift of laughter, oh, I pray
Though tears should hover near;

Give me the gift of laughter for each day-
Laughter to cast out fear.
This is a worthy prayer, and the good news is, it will one day be fully answered,
and all God's people will laugh and enjoy forever the humor of heaven.
HUMOR OF HISTORY
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the
occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the
following ``history of the world'' from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected
by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once
asked, ``Am I my brother's son?'' God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a
patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of
columns---Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until
he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote
The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the
java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was
democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore
garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. ero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free
man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time
was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another
tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human
being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance. It was an age of great invention and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the ``Virgin
Queen.'' As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her
troops, they all shouted, ``hurrah.'' Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never

made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor
with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to
kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were
called the ina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean,
and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they
were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before
them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The
winter of 1680 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During
the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The
dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War
and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared, ``A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'' Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
Our Country. Then the Constitution the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, ``In onion there is
strength.'' Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. Fourteenth Amendment gave
ex- egroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-
egroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of
the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,

a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented
electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the
trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before
it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it
catapulted into apoleon. During the apolenonic Wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were tremoling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from
the hills and nipped at apoleon's flanks. apoleon became ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East
and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a
thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were
exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her
reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
HUMOR OF HYM OLOGY
Subject: Have I got a Hymn for You
To: billandsheila18@aol.com,
The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns
> The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
> The Contractor's Hymn.............The Church's One Foundation

> The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy,Holy, Holy
> The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away
> The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
> The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I May See
> The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All
> The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On
> The Electrician's Hymn............Send the Light
> The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By
> The Realtor's Hymn..................I've Got A Mansion Just Over the
> Hilltop
> The Pilot's Hymn........................................I'll Fly Away
> The Paramedic's Hymn.............................Revive Us Again
> The Judge's Hymn.....................................Almost Persuaded
> The Psychiatrist's Hymn............................Just A Little Talk
> With
Jesus
> The Architect's Hymn.................................How Firm A
Foundation
> The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn....A Charge To Keep I Have
> The Zookeeper's Hymn.................All Creatures of Our God & King
> The Postal Worker's Hymn.......................So Send I You
> The Waiter's Hymn....................................Fill My Cup, Lord
> The Gardener's Hymn.......................Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
> The Lifeguard's Hymn.......................Rescue the Perishing
> The Criminal's Hymn.........................Search Me, O God
> The Baker's Hymn...................When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
> The Shoe Repairer's Hymn..............It Is Well With My Soul
> The Travel Agent's Hymn.................Anywhere With Jesus
> The Geologist's Hymn......................Rock of Ages
> The Hematologist's Hymn................Are You Washed in the Blood?
> The Menswear Clerk's Hymn..............Blest Be the Tie
> The Umpire's Hymn.............................I eed o Other Argument
> The Librarian's Hymn.........................Whispering Hope
I

I SULT HUMOR
37 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
All the lights on, and nobody home.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of six-pak.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
One taco short of combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
o grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CA go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in ebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
There was one character which, through life, always kindled Swift's
indignation, _the haughty, presuming, tyrannizing upstart_! A person of
this description chanced to reside in the parish of Laracor. Swift
omitted no opportunity of humbling his pride; but, as he was as ignorant
as insolent, he was obliged to accommodate the coarseness of the lash to
the callosity of the back. The following lines have been found written

by Swift upon this man:--
The rascal! that's too mild a name;
Does he forget from whence he came;
Has he forgot from whence he sprung;
A mushroom in a bed of dung;
A maggot in a cake of fat,
The offspring of a beggar's brat.
As eels delight to creep in mud,
To eels we may compare his blood;
His blood in mud delights to run;
Witness his lazy, lousy son!
Puff'd up with pride and insolence,
Without a grain of common sense,
See with what consequence he stalks,
With what pomposity he talks;
See how the gaping crowd admire
The stupid blockhead and the liar.
How long shall vice triumphant reign?
How long shall mortals bend to gain?
How long shall virtue hide her face,
And leave her votaries in disgrace?
----Let indignation fire my strains,
Another villain yet remains--
Let purse-proud C----n next approach,
With what an air he mounts his coach!
A cart would best become the knave,
A dirty parasite and slave;
His heart in poison deeply dipt,
His tongue with oily accents tipt,
A smile still ready at command,
The pliant bow, the forehead bland----
DEA SWIFT
I SULTS
He is a man of convictions, and he has served time for
everyone of them.
He changes side more often than a windshield wiper.
He was an unwanted child, but now he is wanted in
ten states.
He is living proof of reincarnation, no one could get

that dumb in one lifetime.
He had underwater grades-below C level.
She got rid of her refrigerator and went back to an
ice box. It was taking her all day to chop the ice so it
would fit into those little squares in the tray.
With the advent of cable TV a whole new field of
unemployment opened up for him.
In his last performance, he drew a line three blocks
long. Then some cop came and took his chalk away.
His performance warms the blood, in fact he makes
the blood of many boil.
He was a born leader. He was president of his kindergarden class four years in a
row.
What's on your mind-if you'll pardon the exaggeration.
Your manners are not half bad, they are all bad.
What would you do if you could play the piano like me? I'd take more lessons.
Our son got his intelligence from me. He must have, I still have mine.
Someone said the little boy was the picture of his father and the sound track of his
mother.
J
JESUS HUMOR

My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.
My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my women friends have the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
U K OW AUTHOR

Did Jesus Laugh?
A pastor's response.
By William Webber
Early in my career, I was the pastor of a small church in a rural community. Wilbur
and his wife, Leah, attended every Sunday morning. Wilbur was a farmer, and
whenever he came into his house from the field and sat down, he would fall asleep.
It was such a habit that when he came into church and sat down in the pew, he
would also soon fall asleep. I discovered that some members of the church were
taking bets on how long I could keep Wilbur awake on Sunday mornings.
Wilbur’s wife was embarrassed by his behavior, especially when he began to snore.
She tried everything to keep her sleepy spouse awake. She complained to him that
she was getting calluses on her elbow from poking him in the ribs in a futile effort to
keep him alert. One day while grocery shopping, she saw a small bottle of
Limburger cheese. Leah bought it and dropped it into her purse.
The next Sunday morning, I had just started the sermon when Wilbur began to nod.
When I finished the first point in my three-point sermon, I could see I was losing
him. As I started the third point, Wilbur began to snore. Quietly, Leah opened her
purse, took out the Limburger cheese, and held it under her husband’s nose. It
worked. Wilbur sat up straight and, in a voice that could be heard all over the
church, said, “Leah, will you please keep your feet on your own side of the bed!”
What do you think? Would Jesus have laughed that Sunday? I know I did.
JESUS LAUGHS
CO IE: I remember when we did the series we called “The Joy of Jesus.” You
talked with Bruce Marchiano, who played the part of Jesus in the Matthew video,
about how the gospels reveal a Savior who was filled with joy in His daily activities.
LO IE: One of the most memorable scenes in that film, I think, is when Jesus has
healed a leper, and the two of them just run to each other and hug each other and
roll on the ground laughing with joy at the wonderful thing Jesus has done.
CO IE; There had to be a lot of joy around Jesus, when He was reaching out and
touching so many people with healing. But some people think of Him only as “a man
of sorrows and acquainted with grief.”
LO IE: Well, of course there’s that aspect of His ministry as well. And
understanding that helps us see Jesus as a well-rounded person—a Man who can
empathize with us when we’re going through difficult times. But as we’ve continued

studying the Bible, we’ve noticed that there are also many indications that God not
only has a capacity for joy—He must have the ability to laugh as well.
ow, notice what happens when Abraham laughs at what God has told him: “God
said, ‘ o, but your wife Sarah shall bear you a son,’ ” and friend, here’s where I
picture God coming very close to Abraham. In fact, I think I can picture God
laughing right along with Abraham as He says this: “‘Sarah shall bear you a son,
and you shall name him he laughs!’ ” (Genesis 17:19, RSV). You see, that’s what
the name Isaac means: “He laughs!” And I don’t think God picked that name out of
a baby-name book. I don’t think He chose it by accident. I think God went right
along with Abraham’s reaction to His promise.
Scholars have pondered this name “He Laughs” for centuries, wondering what it
means. Who laughs? They ask. And many have concluded it’s a reference to God
Himself. God laughs!
I mean, it is funny, isn’t it? To think of a century-old man fathering a child by his
ninety-year-old wife? When Abraham laughed so hard he fell on the ground, why
wouldn’t God laugh right along with him? That’s what you do when a friend is
laughing, isn’t it?
After Abraham and his friend God have shared this precious time of enjoyment—
thinking of the wonderful thing that’s going to happen—God speaks again, and you
can tell that He wants His friend to always remember this day. This time when they
had such joy and mirth together. Because He says—when you name your son, name
him in remembrance of this day. ame him “He laughs!” So that every time you call
him to dinner you’ll remember that you serve a God who not only walks with you,
who not only talks with you, who not only joins you in your suffering, but who joins
you in your joy! Who wants to walk and talk and laugh with you as you go on your
journey? I want you and your son to always remember that you have a God who
wants to be a close friend to you.
Friend, there were serious moments; there were hard times, in Abraham’s journey
with God. And sometimes we focus on those things—on the sacrifices God asked His
friend to make—asking him to leave his home and his family behind, telling him to
send Ishmael away, asking him to take Isaac to Mt. Moriah and offer him as a burnt
offering.
These were hard, serious times, and Abraham had to learn many difficult lessons as
he grew to the point where he could be known as the friend of God.
But I can’t help but think that this day, when he and the Creator laughed together
over the thought of a son being born to Sarah, was one of the times when his
relationship to God grew by leaps and bounds. Because now he knew God as one
who wanted to share with him in all of his humanness, all of his feelings, all of what
it means to be a real person and a real friend.

It made Abraham feel comfortable with God. And a few days later, when God came
down to visit again, Abraham felt so comfortable with Him that he invited His
friend to come home for dinner. That story’s found in the very next chapter of the
Bible, Genesis 18. Abraham is sitting in the door of his tent, relaxing at siesta time in
the heat of the day, when he sees three men walking by. It doesn’t take him long to
realize this is God Himself.
How would you respond if God came walking down your street? Run and hide
under the bed?
ot Abraham. He ran right out and invited God and His angel’s home for dinner.
o doubt looking forward to a great time of conversation with his Friend—the one
who had brought him such wonderful news, and who had laughed together with
him about it.
Is it OK to laugh in church? Is it OK to be joyful in your relationship with God?
Well, ask Abraham—or better yet, ask his son—the one God named “He Laughs!”
U K OW
Divine Folly: Being Religious and the Exercise of Humor
By Doris Donnelly
"Jesus, for one, was witty, unpredictable, fully alive, and a person who delighted in, celebrated with,
and was open to surprise. [I]t is safe to say that divorcing humor from religion is potentially
destructive of true religion. Even when the separation is done with the best of motives, or in
ignorance, the results are disastrous because we rob ourselves of the lightness and freedom necessary
to notice and then to adore God.
"Life is serious all the time, but living cannot be. You may have all the solemnity you wish in your
neckties, but in anything important (such as sex, death, and religion), you must have mirth or you
will have madness. " 1 -- G.K. Chesterton
CURIOUS custom in the Greek Orthodox tradition gathers believers on Easter Monday for the
purpose of trading jokes.2 Since the most extravagant "joke" of all took place on Easter Sunday-the
victory, against all odds, of Jesus over death-the community of the faithful enters into the spirit of the
season by sharing stories with unexpected endings, surprise flourishes, and a sense of humor. A
similar practice occurs among the Slavs, who recognize in the resurrection of Jesus of azareth a joy
that it is Jesus who has the last laugh.
JESUS HAD A SE SE OF HUMOR
By Pastor Glenn Pease
A funny thing happened to Jesus on the way to heaven. He met people, and as we

all know, people are funny. Jesus was a real person as well, and he had a great sense
of humor. I am so sure of this that I wrote a poem about it.
Jesus had a sense of humor,
Of this truth there is no doubt.
It is based on more than rumor,
If we search we'll find it out.
His was a real human spirit,
And we know that this is true.
He was human, not just near it.
He could laugh like me and you.
He's the One who gave us laughter
And made funny things galore.
And we know in the hereafter
We will laugh for ever more.
Jesus is the Lord of laughter
And for ever He will be.
He of humor is the Master,
He'll be that eternally.
Glenn Pease
Many doubt the truth of what I am saying, for they have heard it said that it is
recorded that Jesus wept, but never recorded that he laughed. This is the argument
from silence, which is a foolish way to come to any conclusion about Jesus, or
anyone else for that matter. It is also not recorded that he ever smiled, or that any of
the Apostles ever smiled or laughed. And so the logical conclusion is that Jesus and
all of His followers were living in direct violation of all that the Bible reveals about
laughter, good cheer, and rejoicing. either is there a record of his ever washing his
hair, and so are we to assume he was not a clean person? There is no record of him
ever hugging and kissing his mother. Was he really so cold and thoughtless as that?
Folly! And we could go on and on with all that is not said and come to foolish
conclusions.
Even the pessimistic author of Ecclesiastes said there is a time to laugh in 3:4,
and Jesus had many opportunities to laugh as he dealt daily with people who were
experiencing miracles that restored loved ones to them in health, and some even
from the dead. Every night He would sit around the camp fire with 12 men, and
who can imagine such a picture without joking and laughter. Jesus and His disciples
would have to be total freaks of nature and not ideal men to never fill the night air
with laughter after a day of the marvelous teaching and miracles of Jesus. It was
definitely a time to laugh.
When God is blessing people there is laughter, and never was He blessing people

more than in the ministry of His Son. Look at the joy of people in the Old Testament
when God blest. As the Jews returned from exile in Babylon, the Psalmist recorded
this observation: "Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of
joy. Then it was said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for
them’" Ps. 126:2. He was doing even greater things through Jesus, and He and those
with him had to laugh and rejoice or they would be very abnormal.
The heavenly Father of Jesus has a great sense of humor and a spirit of joy, and
Jesus is the express image of the Father and so we can assume that Jesus had the
same joy and gladness of His Father. We read this of God: "Sing, 0 daughter of
Zion; shout, 0 Israel; be glad and rejoice with all the heart, 0 daughter of
Jerusalem.... He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in His love, He will joy
over thee with singing" - Zephaniah 3:14,17. As God the Father entered into the joy
of His people, so Jesus would enter into the joy of the people who followed Him.
Man is the only creature that was made to laugh. We are made in the image of
God and have this unique characteristic that no other creature possesses. This leads
to the logical conclusion that God is a God of laughter, for we are made to laugh,
and so this must be a part of the image of God. To be fully human is to be able to
laugh. To be fully human is to be Godlike, and this means laughter has to be a
characteristic of one's being. Humor then is both human and divine, for it has its
origin in the nature of God. If Jesus was both God and man, then he had the gift of
laughter and a sense of humor in greater proportion than any other person who
ever lived. Helen Salsbury wrote,
Dear God, we make you so solemn,
So stiff and old and staid-
How can we be so stupid
When we look at the things you've made?
Who watches the ostrich swallow,
Then doubts you like to play,
Or questions your sense of humor,
Hearing the donkey bray?
Could the God who made the monkey
Have forgotten how to laugh-
Or the one who striped the zebra
And stretched out the giraffe?
To be truly human and to be an encouraging type of person you need to have a good
sense of humor. If Jesus was the perfect man, then it follows that he had the perfect
sense of humor. All agree that this is a vital factor in the ideal person.
John ends his Gospel by saying that Jesus did many things that are not written,
for the whole world could not contain the books that would result if all was
recorded. In that massive amount of material that is not recorded is much that has
to be implied by what is recorded, and all we know of Jesus implies much laughter

and smiling. It is arrogant and presumptuous for anyone to pretend that they know
what is not in that massive material about Jesus that is not recorded. Is it possible
that Jesus had many a good time laughing with his disciples? Of course it is, and
that is what this book is determined to prove beyond any reasonable doubt. Jesus is
our example and the pattern for life. If he did not smile and laugh then he makes the
ideal life for the believer one of a sad and solemn face only, and not the joyful and
vibrant face of one who has assurance of sin forgiven and eternal life.
It is foolish to try and understand the nature of Jesus by what is not said of him.
We need to look at what is said, and what He said Himself to know about His sense
of humor and laughter. Before we look at examples of this we want to quote those
who have studied the life of Jesus and have come to the conclusion that He was, and
is, the Lord of laughter.
Max Lucado has written much on the life of Jesus, and he make some strong
statements about His humor. In his book God Came ear he writes, "In azareth
he was known only as Jesus, the son of Joseph. You can be sure he was respected in
the community. He was good with his hands. He had many friends. He was a
favorite among the children. He could tell a good joke and had a habit of filling the
air with contagious laughter."
Lucado does an excellent job of getting Jesus down on a level where He can
appeal to the world as He did in his ministry. Jesus was not some ivory tower
philosopher, or some hidden high priest seldom seen by the masses. He was down
where the rubber meets the road. He was among the people, and not just the
important people of leadership. He was among the common people, and He was at
their weddings and their banquets, and their parties of all kinds. He was such a
party person that His critics called Him a wine bibber and a glutton. He was having
far too much fun in life for the sad sack Pharisees who looked like death warmed
over because of their fasting to show how holy they were. Jesus did not fast, nor did
his disciples. He was a feaster and a fun lover, and He loved to be with the people
who were rejoicing because they were being healed, fed, and blest in many ways for
which they were praising God.
Chuck Swindoll in the forward to the book Choosing The Amusing wrote, "Of all
the things God created, I am often most grateful that he created laughter. How I
love to have fun! In all honesty, I can hardly imagine a day spent without at least a
few moments(preferably many) of sidesplitting laughter...either alone or with
someone who can enjoy them as much as I. What healing it brings to our heavy
hearts!" Millions of pastors and lay people through history would agree, and
because of this they cannot imagine that Jesus did not love laughter as well.
It is the conclusion of wise men of all time that laughter and a good sense of
humor is a vital characteristic of any ideal personality. Jesus was the only perfect

man to ever live, and it is a logical conclusion that this means he had an ideal sense
of humor. This should also be a characteristic of those who follow Jesus. Listen to
these quotes.
Martin Luther "It is pleasing to the dear God whenever thou rejoicest or laughest
from the bottom of thy heart."
Charles Gruner "Human societies treasure laughter and whatever can produce it.
Without laughter everyday living becomes drab and lifeless; life would seem hardly
human at all. Likewise, a sense of humor is generally considered a person's most
admirable attribute. Indeed, few people would be willing to admit that they are
deficient in this quality."
John Wesley "A sour religion is the devil's religion."
Terry Lindvall "The joy of heaven incarnates in the humor of earth."
Samuel Johnson "The size of man's understanding might be justly measured by his
mirth."
George MacDonald "It is the heart that is not yet sure of its God that is afraid to
laugh in His presence."
Henry Ward Beecher put it this way: "A man without mirth is like a wagon without
springs. He is jolted by every pebble in the road."
Jesus had a normal life as a boy, and this means he played with friends and
would, like all boys, do his share of fun things, and have laughs with his playmates.
When Mary and Joseph could not find him after their visit to Jerusalem when he
was a young boy, they headed for home assuming that he was with his friends, as we
read in Luke 2:44. It was common for Jesus to be playing with others as a young
boy, and they thought nothing of it. They did not worry about Jesus even though
they did not see him, for to be off playing with others was a part of his life. John
Oxenham wrote,
He was a boy like other boys,
And played and sported with the rest.
He has his troubles and his joys,
And strove for mastery with the best.
He was a boy like you-and you-
As full of jokes, as full of fun.
But always he was bravely true,
And did no wrong to anyone.
If this be so, then we would expect to see Jesus grow up as a healthy adult with a
good sense of humor. When we go to the Gospels what do we see? We are so brain
washed into thinking that Jesus was always serious, sober, and even sad, that we

miss all his humor. Until recent times nobody ever saw a picture of Jesus smiling or
laughing. But let's stop and do some thinking. Jesus said he came to give us life and
life more abundant. He told his disciples that he was leaving them with his joy to be
in them. One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy, and Jesus was filled with the Spirit.
When you put that altogether, it sounds like a foolish contradiction to think that
Jesus never smiled or laughed.
Tennyson did not miss seeing the reality of it, and he said that humor is generally
most fruitful in the most solemn spirits, and, "You will even find it in the Gospel of
Christ." Much of the humor of Jesus is in short statements of irony, or of the
ridiculous. When we read Mark 4:21 we see nothing funny, but if I said in modern
language, what do you think of John Smith, who built his home with all the light
fixtures under the bed? You would chuckle and say how stupid can you get! That
is what Jesus is saying. You don't go get a candle and then stick it under the bed.
This is a humorous way of saying how ridiculous for a Christian to hide his
testimony when that is the very reason for his existence, to let light shine.
When Jesus denounced the Pharisees we see his sense of humor in the
exaggerated pictures. We see him picture a cup all clean on the outside, but inside
filthy; we see a blind man leading another blind man and both fall into the ditch; we
see a camel going through the eye of a needle, and of swallowing a camel and
straining at a gnat. We need to note that Jesus had a humorous way of expressing
himself.
Jesus spent a good deal of time in celebration, and he spoke of celebration in such a
way that you know he loved a good party and a good time of fellowship and
socializing with people. This is impossible to conceive of him in those situations and
not laughing with the rest of the participants. He began his ministry at the wedding
of Cana. It was a great time of fun and laughter and Jesus was a contributor to the
joy of the occasion by his miracle supply of new wine. Listen to his description of
the party at the return of the Prodigal. "But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly,
bring out a robe--the best one--and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and
sandals on his feet. And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate;
for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!' And they
began to celebrate, (Luke 15:22-24, RSV)."
Some prefer to think of Jesus out with the older brother refusing to go in to
laugh, dance and sing with the joy of the party, but those with common sense
recognize that every normal man on earth would be enjoying laughter in such a
setting as that. It is hard to imagine a party or celebration of any kind in which
joyful people do not express that joy with laughter. Their are killjoys that cannot
laugh in any situation, but God forbid that we put our Lord in that category. The
perfect and ideal man is not that sulking brother outside the party, but the rejoicing
Lord who added his laughter to every party he was a part of.
Paul King Jewett said, "It has been documented that laughter, along with a well-
rounded sense of humor, is one of the surest signs of intelligence." If Jesus was

intelligent, and we know He was, then He would have a great sense of humor.
Alfred orth Whitehead said that he had always noticed "That deeply and truly
religious persons are very found a joke," and he admitted "I am suspicious of those
who are not." Billy Sunday added, "If you have no joy in your religion, there's a
leak in your Christianity somewhere."
"The ability to laugh is one of the most characteristic and deep-seated features of
man." Raymond A. Moody.
"Laughter is fundamentally an act of celebrating existence. Laughter is an
expression both of enjoyment and of thanksgiving." Conrad Hyers.
"The most thoroughly and substantially a human being exist, the more he will
discover the comical." Kierkegaard.
"A Christian theologian without a sense of humor seems to be a contradiction in
terms." John E. Benson.
These, and hundred of others just confirms that the perfect humanity of Jesus
demands that He be one with an excellent sense of humor, and one gifted with the
spirit of laughter on a higher level than the average.
Jesus spread good cheer everywhere He went, and especially to His disciples.
Vance Havner claimed that our Lord gave every believer "three cheers":
The cheer of forgiveness: "Be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee." Matt.
9:2.
The cheer of companionship: "Be of good cheer: It is I; be not afraid." Mark
6:50.
The cheer of victory: "Be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John
16:33.
Fulton J. Sheen said, "We are made for His gladness and His cheerfulness, and we
shall not be able to fulfill our destiny until we know how to be glad."
Henri Cormier in his book, The Humor Of Jesus, says that the fear of looking at the
laughter of Jesus is due to our neglect of his humanity. We think we will detract
from his deity, dignity and majesty by portraying him with a sense of humor. In
other words, we will ignore the clear teaching of His word to exalt him in a way that
he rejected. He wants us to feel he was one with us, and truly human. In contrast
Cormier writes, "...he has a perfect humor, because he enjoys primacy in
everything, since he is the psychologist, the pedagogue, the psychiatrist, the
sociologist par excellence. etc." He reminds us, however, that it takes a sense of
humor to find a sense of humor. Those who do not have it will not find it in Jesus,
for they feel it is not a value to possess. They are wrong!

Leslie Weatherhead in his book When The Lamp Flickers writes, "I expect he
was the life and soul of the party. I should like a manuscript to be discovered which
said that he told funnier stories than anybody and had the table in a roar of happy
mirth. Indeed, through all his parables the grace of a lovely humor lightens the
lessons he tried to teach. It is incongruous to hear the fun taken out of his stories. It
is sometimes really funny to hear some solemn, ponderous parson trying to pretend
that there is no humor in Christ's words, and reading the story of the man who
choked at a fly and swallowed a camel, or of the man who put his lamp under the
bed instead of on the lamp stand, or of the man who couldn't come to a feast because
he had married a wife, and so on-with a score of other illustrations one could give-as
if the words "Here beginneth the first lesson" must necessarily precede some solemn
exhortation from which all humor must be rigorously excluded."
Did Jesus Laugh?
by: Louie Crew
MR. ZUSS: God never laughs! In the whole Bible!
-- J. B.
MacLeish's Zuss is patently wrong. The Hebrew scriptures record the laughter of
God no fewer than seven times on at least six occasions.Consistently it is indignant
laughter ("laughed them to scorn") at those who are evil -- at Sennacherib of
Assyria (2 Kings 19:21; Isaiah 37:22), at unrepentant sinners (Proverbs 1: 26), at
those plotting against the just (Psalms 37:13), or at the vain kings of the earth
(Psalm 2:4). Admittedly, the spectacle of the Almighty laughing at lesser creations
hardly strikes some of us mortals as comic. Like Job, we cynically see ourselves as
righteous victims of a supernatural joke, believing that God "mocks at the calamity
of the innocent" (Job 9:23).Yet in the divine comedy it is our own posturing of
innocence and righteousness that is ludicrous.
Zuss's error is but a symptom of a widespread theological aberration: he
misconceives God as a humorless taskmaster out of touch with the wells of good
nature and animal spirits. It is perverse to receive the Gospel as bad news, as a
revelation of man's evil rather than a celebration of God's good. Those who search
to support this misconception have little trouble finding support, particularly in the
Hebrew scriptures." Even in laughter the heart is sad, and the end of joy is grief"
(Proverbs 14:13). "I said of laughter, 'It is mad,' and of pleasure, 'What use is it?'"
(Ecclesiastes 2:2). "Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of countenance
the heart is made glad." (Ecclesiastes 7:3). In the Christian scriptures they have to
dig harder, but anyone can find a sad-faced Jesus if the mind is set to do so. After
all, every schoolboy knows the shortest verse of the Bible; and with it, the hard of
heart, as if by some form of hocus pocus, can nullify or diminish Jesus' overarching
mission of grace, joy and redemption.

Some modern Christians have trouble hearing the laughter of Jesus because the
religious Establishment frequently portrays Jesus in the service of stern
authoritarianism. An authoritarian Jesus constrasts starkly and ironically with the
Jesus of scriputure. In the bible Jesus treats authoritarians as enemies. Legalist
Christians today are out of touch with Jesus the boisterous rule-breaker. Jesus
storms the temple (John 2:13-17), turning over the tables of the money-changers.
We are meant to delight in the sound of the money "poured out" and in the sound
ofthe "whip of chords" Jesus used to drive the vendors away.
To enjoy the Jesus of scripture, we need to appreciate sarcasm, puns, enigmas and
paradoxes -- all part of Jesus' arsenal, coming as he did from the doubly persecuted
minority of Jew an independent prophet. icodemus, a ruler of the Jews, visited
Jesus, "by night," as if to avoid embarrassment. Jesus embarrassed another
prominent person by indulging a vagrant prostitute and allowing her to bathe his
feet with precious oils bought with her earnings. From a Third World point of view,
such scenes are richly humorous, full of high spirits, acceptance, and welcome. They
show Jesus as warm, personal, and sensual.
When the Establishment criticized Jesus for breaking the Sabbath rules, he
affirmed that rules should serve people, not people the rules. ote the muffled
laughter implicit when Jesus answers his accusers, especially as he cuts through
their intellectual pretension to know all scripture: "Have you not read what David
did, when he was hungry?" (Matthew 12:3). Jesus jokes about the rich:"It is easier
for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the
kingdom of God" (Matthew 19:23). If we identify with the rich man, the remark is
splenetic. Yet the original audience were mainly poor, and they had just witnessed a
young man with "great possessions" exposed for not really being so perfect as he
wanted to think himself. The poor in every age are used to the rich who withdraw
when they realize that to gain life they will have to lose it.
Jesus is the original jive artists, the crafty maker of small talk to keep those in
power structure at bay. Even when brought in as a prophet on display at the homes
of the powerful, he does not cut himself off from his kind of people, the poor. He
talks to both groups at once. At times this rhetorical gymnastic renders symptoms of
paranoia .Paranoia is sometimes the healthy response of a rebel who is in the
presence of real enemies. Jesus' humor becomes private, in-group, especially when
he is aware that spies are trying to trick him:
"Is it lawful for us to give tribute to Caesar, or not?" But he perceived their
craftiness, and said to them, "Show me a coin.Whose likeness and inscription has
it?" They said, "Caesar's." He said to them, "Then render to Caesar the things that
are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's." And they were not able in the
presence of the people to catch him by what he said, but marveling at his answer
they were silent." (Luke 20:22-26)
Jesus' answer is really a non-answer: the new terms are ambiguous. He has not
really identified "the things that are Caesar's." The spies (and we) still have no way

of knowing whether tribute to Caesar is right or wrong. If they think that it is right
to pay taxes, that is only their interpretation. Although for centuries preachers have
used this episode to justify the Church's historical deference to the State, the
passage remains equivocal. Jesus has possibly referred only to this one coin. We,
like his original hearers, cannot be sure. Such are the games jive artists play when
they are threatened. One thing we can be sure of, however: Jesus has confounded
his enemies. "And they were not able in the presence of the people to catch him by
what he said." He has won a respite by the wit of obfuscation. Those who have
watched Mister Charlie try to get unequivocal answers out of debtor Blacks talking
on stoops in the ghetto are familiar with skillful equivocation as an important verbal
ruse of the oppressed.
Jesus times some of his most startling theological insights to detonate after a delay.
Witness the episode when the Sadducees tried to trip up Jesus in a tedious argument
about the resurrection, in which they did not believe (Matthew 22). Jesus goes along
with the terms of the question initially: "You are wrong because you know neither
the scriptures nor the power of God" (verse 29). Yet his follow-up is fresh
theological matter not in the Hebrew scriptures: "For in the resurrection they
neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven" (verse 30).
While the Sadducees sweat out their failing memories to discover the allusion, which
is really a smoke-screen, Jesus shifts ground, seeming to leave the terms of the
question altogether: "And as for the resurrection of the dead, have you not read
what was said to you by God, 'I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and
the God of Jacob'? " (verses 31 and 32). Jesus seems to digress. What have
Abraham, Jacob and Isaac to do with the resurrection? Then comes the punch line:
"God is not God of the dead, but of the living" (verse 32). Quibbling about the
resurrection (future) or the past misses the essence of religious revelation, namely,
God reveals God's self always in the now. Jesus uses a verbal trap to expose the
verbal trap of his enemies, uses a reference to a Biblical rhetorical mode to reveal
God's means of relation to all people in any time. The wit and the dodginessis
incisive and subtly comic.
Jesus does not take just occasional pot shots: insider-humor is part of the
comprehensive strategy of the parables:
Then the disciples came and said to him, "Why do you speak to them in
parables?"And he answered them, "To you it has been given to know the secrets of
the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given ... This is why I speak to
them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor
do they understand." (Matthew 13:10-11, 13)
Jesus' verbal pyrotechniques are of many sorts .He relishes farce, as in his extended
metaphor: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but you do not
notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me
take the speck out of your eye," when there is the log in your own eye?" (Matthew
7:3-5. He wields sarcasm, as in "And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the
hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others.
Truly, I say to you, they have their reward" (Matthew 6:16). His final slice suggests

that the only reward they will get is their current reputation, that they pray not to
God but for the observers. Obscured in the English version is the added humor of
the pun on "disfigure" in the Greek, "disfiguring" oneself to make a "figure" or
grand appearance.
Jesus exploits hyperbole and name-calling, as in "You blind guides, straining out a
gnat and swallowing a camel!"(Matthew 23:24) and in "you are like whitewashed
tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within they are full of dead men's
bones and all uncleanness"(Matthew 23:27). This color contrast appeals to darker
Semitic folks; Pharisaic cleanliness takes on a vicious reassociation, from 'white as
pure' to 'white a ghostly, deadly.'
Jesus is good company among friends as well, as was vividly brought home to me in
a Greek class in the 1950s when a fellow student, a puritanical preacher, struggled
to translate the story of the first miracle, that great practical joke Jesus pulled by
making super-strong wine from water at the wedding feast in Cana (John 2).
"Water to grape juice,"offered the student, eyeing the professor. There was
silence.All stared at an RSV crib of verse 10, in which the ruler of the feast
complains: "Everyone serves the good wine first; and when they people have drunk
freely, then the poor wine; but you have kept the good wine until now."
"Does grape juice get rated 'good' and 'poor'?" the professor teased. "Is not this
word oinos ('wine') the same Xenophon uses when noting how the men of Cyrus get
delayed every time they overindulge?"
"B, B, But ..." the student stuttered.
"I think I get your point," the professor interrupted. "You would like to think that
the God of the universe would not spike the punch."
"Right!" the student replied.
"There is only one thing wrong with your position," the professor said, "namely you
are putting yourself in a position to tell God what God can and cannot do."
Somber expectations of holy writ take much way from the good fun in the Gospels.
Read with dullness, the story of the calming of the storm is frightening: "'Save,
Lord; we are perishing.' And he said to them, 'Why are you afraid, you of little
faith?'" (Matthew 8:25-26). An authoritarian sees this text much as one might view
a parent coming to the bedroom to rebuke a frightened child for his belief in
goblins. But the authoritarian fails to see another kind of parent, one who is not
annoyed but lovingly blows away the goblins, acting out the child's need for a hero,
respecting the childness of the child. The text says that Jesus "rebuked the winds
and the sea," not the disciples.
Even on solemn occasions, Jesus jests. He institutes the Church with a pun: "And I

tell you, you are Peter [Greek Petros] and on this rock [Greek petra] I will build my
Church" (Matthew 16:18). ote the inuendo that many intend when they nickname
a friend "Rock" or "Rockie." Similarly, when Jesus calls fishermen as disciples he
does so with word play: "I will make you become fishers of men" (Mark 1:17).
Before revealing to the woman at the well the place where really God dwells, Jesus
teases her. He knows all about her promiscuity, but he provokes her to talk about
herself openly, warmly.
Fine mixtures of humor and seriousness are integral to the Good ews.
At the heart of Jesus' humor is paradox. owhere is paradox more explicit than in
the Beatitudes (Matthew 5), which celebrate a happiness (blessedness) begot of
poverty of spirit, mourning, meekness, etc. Happiness in a sick society is enjoyed not
by espousing the values of that society, but by countering those values and moving
into a new, strange dimension. Our culture does not educate us to see the humor,
even the laughter in paradox. A Zen master would understand. Perhaps the greatest
laugh of all is the confident, joyful laugh in the face of adversity.
The resurrection presents sublimist laughter, laughter at death itself. As St. Paul
interpreted it: "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (I
Corinthians 15:55). The Passion, as rich as it is, is not Jesus' final statement. Even
the angel at the tomb ispart of the conspiracy of surprise and joy: "Woman, why are
you weeping?" (John 20:15). The angel knows the answer to the question but teases
dramatically. (Indeed all modern European secular drama stems directly from this
scene, the Quem quaeritis.)
Later Jesus withholds his identity from those who walked to Emmaus after the
resurrection until "he was at table with them. And heir eyes were opened and they
recognized him; and he vanished out of their sight" (Luke 24:30-31). Jesus
humorously indulges Thomas the doubter: "Put your finger here and see my hands;
and put out your hand, and place it in my side" (John 20:27). Thomas does not have
to touch, but believes on the evidence of the familiar jesting Jesus.
The angels announced to the shepherds: "I bring you good news of great joy which
will come to all the people" (Luke 2:10). Again and again the Gospels are
punctuated with the crowds' amazement, with rejoicing. It is difficult to imagine a
healing or a feeding of the multitude without good spirits and laughter. Such events
are not dreary, but exciting. Jesus is not lugubrious, but joyful, and joy-making. He
purges the world of grim sickness, poverty and wickedness. He makes all things
new.
Seen in the original perspective of the Gospels, Jesus laughed.
Louie Crew is the founder of Integrity: The Lesbigay Justice Ministry of the
Episcopal Church. He can be reached at lcrew@andromeda.rutgers.edu.
© 2003 by Louie Crew

© 1973 by Lutheran Forum First appeared in Lutheran Forum 7.2 (1973): 22-24
Cal Samra, in his book THE JOYFUL CHRIST, tells of a time when he needed
healing and found it in a new vision of Jesus. Over ten years ago, Cal's life fell
apart. His failing health had driven him to move far away from his family and
friends, to the warm environment of Arizona. His health had also forced him to
leave his job. His marriage had failed. He was worn out and sick, lonely and
depressed. At the young age of fifty, Cal Samra had no more hope left. He decided
to kill himself.
Cal bought a length of rope and drove around in the desert looking for a sturdy tree
from which to hang himself. But most of the growing structures in the area were
either palm trees, which are too tall to hang from, or cacti, which are pretty
impossible to hang from. ext, Cal decided to throw himself into a river and drown.
o luck there. It was summertime, and most of the rivers were dried out from the
heat. Cal's luck had really given out if he couldn't even find a way to kill himself.
Finally, he decide he needed a less permanent solution to his problem. He drove to a
Franciscan retreat. He entered the chapel there and began to pray out the sorrow in
his heart. A warm, cheerful Franciscan, Father Gavin Griffith, welcomed Cal and
asked him to stay for dinner. Father Griffith kept Cal laughing throughout dinner
with his jokes and humorous remarks. On the wall of the kitchen was a picture Cal
had never seen before, a portrayal of a vigorous, joyful Jesus, titled "The Laughing
Christ."
Before Cal left the retreat center, Father Lambert gave him another picture of a
smiling Jesus. This picture, painted by a Mrs. Joyce Martin, was like the first
picture of the laughing Christ in certain ways. Instead of a pale, blond, sorrowful
man with a glowing halo over his head, this Jesus was dark skinned, strong, and
healthy looking. He had a broad smile, and He glowed with warmth and good cheer.
His gaze was straightforward, honest, and twinkling with mirth. This was a warm,
personable, real Jesus---the kind of man anyone would want to follow. As Cal
contemplated these two images of Jesus, he realized that he had never known this
side of Christ. This new way of seeing his Savior was the beginning of Cal Samra's
emotional healing.
Some of you may know of Cal Samra today as the head of the Fellowship of Merry
Christians.
Sherwood Eliot Wirt WROTE JESUS MA OF JOY
FORWARD
Bruce Marchiano “THESE WERE THE WORDS SPOKE to me by film director
Regardt van den Bergh over lunch in December 1992. He had asked me, an actor, to
play the role of Jesus in The Visual Bible: The Gospel of Matthew, and this was the
sum total of his direction — joy.
I will never forget it as long as I live. He whipped a dog-eared Bible out of his rear
pocket, cracked it open to Hebrews 1:9, and read straight from the Scriptures:

"Therefore God, Your God, has set You above Your companions by anointing you
with the oil of joy." Then he looked me in the eye with all the conviction of a man
who would bet everything he owns on something he knows beyond knowing and
proclaimed, "Bruce, I've prayed and prayed about this, and I'm convinced this is
what the Lord would have us do in Matthew: to portray Jesus as a man of joy."
I remember staring blankly across the table at Regardt that afternoon, cautiously
nodding. I had no idea at the time, but his words would rewrite completely my
understanding of my Savior and liberate me into a level of relationship with Him I
never dreamed possible. And what's more, those same words expressed on film
many months later would liberate untold thousands across the planet into a level of
relationship with the Savior they never dreamed possible. And all of it stemmed
from what could very well be the most obvious, most overlooked, most disregarded,
most neglected, most misunderstood, most undefined, most manipulated left-behind,
swept-under-the-carpet-and-barred-from-hallowed-church-halls reality in all of
Christendom: that Jesus was a man of joy.
May I read to you from a letter I received about a year ago?
Please bear with my penmanship, as my hands have become stiff with age and
arthritis. I have loved the Lord as my Savior for many years — ever since I was a
teenager. I always thought I knew who He was. In fact, I never once questioned who
He was (is). But a few weeks ago I was halfway watching TV and happened to look
up and there was "Jesus" (you) walking along the banks of the Sea of Galilee with
the wind blowing His robes and hair. He slowly looked over His shoulder, smiled a
big smile, and motioned to follow Him. My heart leaped right out of my chest! Even
though it was only a two-second glimpse, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Jesus like
I'd never considered Him to be, and in a moment I was convinced in my heart that
Jesus just had to be this way — completely different from everything I'd ever
thought! Glowing with excitement from His face — from His eyes. A strong,
energetic, passionate, joyous man! It instantaneously transformed my relationship
with Him — so much so, I grieve to think of all the decades I've wasted knowing
Him, but not knowing Him; loving Him and receiving His love from some distant
place, but never being
"in love" with Him. Well, I want you to know that I am now! I've thrown out every
picture of a stale Jesus I ever owned. Martha is out, and Mary is in. I've stopped
cowering before my Lord and started celebrating Him! All the old people at the
home here think I've gone crazy, but I feel that I'm sane for the very first time in my
life! Oh the Joy! My Jesus, my Lord!
Here is what Gilbert Chesterton wrote at the close of his book Orthodoxy:
HYPERLI K http://www.ccel.us/ l 1 1 He [Jesus] concealed something . .
. . He restrained something . . . There was something that He hid from all men . . .
some one thing that was too great for God to show us when He walked upon our
earth; and I have sometimes fancied that it was His mirth. (jollity, lightness of
heart)
That is a fascinating suggestion, with all kinds of ingenious ramifications. Even so,
had I the temerity to respond, I would dare to suggest that mirth is only part of the
secret. Mirth according to the dictionary is spontaneous amusement, manifested

briefly. It is a pleasant temporary expression of a disposition to hilarity or glee. By
contrast, the joy of the Lord is actually a fruit of the Holy Spirit, and is therefore a
radiant condition of the soul.
Jesus' soul condition is described by my actor friend, Bruce Marciano, in these
sparkling words which I have borrowed from his recent book In the Footsteps of
Jesus:
Yes, Jesus smiled; yes, Jesus laughed. Jesus smiled wider and laughed heartier than
any human being who has ever walked the planet. He was young. He radiated good
cheer. The real Jesus was a man of such merriment, such gladness of heart, such
freedom and openness, that He proved irresistible. He became known through
Galilee for His genuine strength, the sparkle in His eyes, the spring in His gait, the
heartiness in His laugh, the genuineness of His touch; His passion, playfulness,
excitement, and vitality: His JOY! He made a dazzling display of love. He set hearts
afire. He was an elated, triumphant young man with an incredible quality of life . . .
so different from the solemn religious types He constantly encountered.
One statement in the Gospel of Luke will illustrate what I mean. It will bring us
close to what I call Jesus' secret. At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy
Spirit, said, 'I praise you, Father' (Luke 10:21). That verse brings together God
the Father, the Son of God, the Holy Spirit, and joy in worship.
Such a verse (and others like it) clearly suggest that our Lord Jesus was equipped
with a buoyant disposition. If so, where did He get it? From what Source? On the
human side, of course, there was His mother Mary, a true daughter of the Hebrew
race. The Hebrew people have always been known as a joyous, singing, festive
people. To this the Old Testament bears faithful witness, for beyond its inspired
history and prophecy it contains the record of a great people's songs and
celebrations.
Joy began in heaven, “The book of Job tells us that when the creation took shape,
the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy (Job
38:7).
More recently the beloved Quaker philosopher, D. Elton Trueblood, left us for the
laughter of heaven. He wrote, If Christ laughed a great deal, as the evidence shows,
and if He is what He claimed to be, we cannot avoid the logical conclusion that there
is laughter and gaiety in the heart of God.
JOY As an attribute of God-
“The fact is that joy is an attribute of God Himself. It brings with it pleasure,
gladness, and delight. Joy is merriment without frivolity, hilarity without
raucousness, and mirth without cruelty. Joy is sportive without being rakish and
festive without being cheap. Joy radiates animation, sparkle, and buoyancy. It is
more than fun, yet it has fun. It expresses itself in laughter and elation, yet it draws
from a deep spring that keeps flowing long after the laughter has died and the tears
have come.”
ow I would like to suggest a third source of Jesus' joy: God's written Word, the
Old Testament.
Let us begin with the Psalms, which Jesus seems to have loved and which He often

quoted. When I sat down one day and began seriously to look for love and joy in
that book, I became so excited I was (to borrow a phrase my mother often used)
beside myself. In particular I found various forms of the words joy, joyous, enjoy,
delight, gladness, exuberance, and jubilation appearing well over a hundred times,
beginning with Psalm 1 and ending with a grand finale in Psalm 150. I am informed
that one scholar has listed 13 Hebrew roots and 27 separate words for joy in the Old
Testament.
SMILE OF GOD
Why do Christian artists always represent God with a stern expression? Why did
Michelangelo paint God wearing a frown? Let me rephrase the question: Do you
think God wears a smile on His face? owhere in any English versions of the Bible
are there references to God smiling. owhere? Wait, there is one: the Moffatt Bible,
translated from the original languages early in the twentieth century by the Scottish
scholar James Moffatt (1870-1944). It contains no less than eight separate verses of
the Old Testament in which God smiles. Here are some of them:
Smile on thy servant, in thy love succor me.
How precious is thy love, O God . . . in thy smile we have the light of life.
O God, bless us with thy favor, may thy face smile on us.
O God of hosts, restore us to power; a smile of thy favor, and we are saved!
Smile on thy servant, teach thy laws to me. HYPERLI K http://www.ccel.us/ l
2 2
What Dr. Moffatt did was to take the several references to God's shining face in
the King James Bible and turn them into smiles. And why not?
JESUS USED HUMOR AGAI ST THE PHARISEES
CRAIG BIRD “Jesus used the weapon of wit and the saber of satire in his
running verbal battles with the religious power structure, according to Randall
O’Brien of Baylor University, author of I Feel Better All Over Than I Do Any Place
Else.
Humor was often the howitzer he used to shell the veneer of piety
surrounding ‘Fortress Pharisee,’ he notes. Who couldn’t help but laugh when
Jesus exposed the arrogance of blindness of the religious leaders, calling them ‘blind
guides,’ straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel…cleaning the outside of the
cup but leaving the inside filthy…and like tombs, whitewashed on the outside but
rotting on the inside?
Even the eminent theologian Garrision Keillor of “Prairie Home
Companion” fame insists, Christ gives his followers a satiric sense of the world.
The upended values of the parables -- with the last becoming first -- are proof,
Keillor says.
QUOTATIO S
Billy Graham wrote in The Secret of Happiness, We never hear of Jesus laughing,
though I am sure He did. HYPERLI K http://www.ccel.us/ l 6 6 Above
everything else, what convinces me that Jesus laughed is the fact that when people
are in Christ they also begin to laugh.

But that’s not the picture of Jesus that most often comes to mind. As Elton
Trueblood reminded Christians so forcefully in his 1964 classic work The Humor of
Christ, we resist acknowledging that Jesus did such things.
Trueblood’s own journey to a laughing Jesus began years before. During family
devotions, the famed Quaker theologian was reading from the seventh chapter of
Matthew, feeling very serious, when his four-year-old son began to laugh. He saw
how preposterous it would be for a man to be so deeply concerned about a speck in
another person’s eye that he was unconscious of the fact his own eye had a beam in
it.
His son’s laughter, Trueblood admits, was a rebuke to his parents for their
failure to respond to humor in an unexpected place.
Christians have been stereotyped as anti-fun, anti-laughter types who think it’s
spiritual to look like you’ve been sucking a dill pickle all day, says Gary Dyer,
pastor of First Baptist Church of Midland, Texas. And we probably brought it on
ourselves. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Scowl and someone will ask, ‘Are
you a Baptist?’”
Comedian and gospel singer Mark Lowry celebrates the belief that God loves
it when we laugh. What healthy father doesn’t love to hear his children laugh? he
asks.
JEWISH HUMOR
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went
to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, Bernie, it
sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!
I know, replied Bernie, but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.
That's great, the Rabbi said. I'm glad to hear that you keep the
Commandments.
Yep, Bernie said proudly, Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.
THE JEWISH MAGAZI E

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.
If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit
on a hanky.
I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!
THE JEWISH MAGAZI E
Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, I've broken off my engagement to Morris.
Oh Sharon, says Ruth, I'm so sorry. Why?
Because my feelings towards Morris have changed - they just aren't the same
anymore, replies Sharon.
So tell me, whispers Ruth, are you giving him back the engagement ring?
o I'm not, replies Sharon, my feelings towards the ring haven't changed.
THE JEWISH MAGAZI E
In the Sin-a-gogue
As David and his wife Esther are coming out of the synagogue one Shabbat, she says

to him, That Rothstein girl has put on a lot of weight, dear. Maybe she's pregnant.
What do you think?
The Rothstein girl? If she was there, I didn't see her, replies David.
And did you see that flirty Sharon Goldberg winking at the boys? Disgraceful,
don't you think, dear?
I must have been looking the other way when this happened, he replies.
And what do you think about the short dress Rose Levy was wearing? That can't
be the right thing for a mother of three children to wear in the synagogue. Don't you
agree, dear? asks Esther.
Sorry darling, replies David, but I didn't notice her dress.
Well then, you must have seen Molly Greenberg drinking all those glasses of wine
during Kiddush, she says.
I wasn't watching Molly, says David.
Oh for goodness sake, shouts Esther, I don't know why you bother to go to the
synagogue. THE JEWISH MAGAZI E
Biblical Quiz (it helps if you are under the age of 7)
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. oah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter-she went down to the bank of the ile and drew out a little
prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Q. Samson-he brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The
Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked
out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but
how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and
Goliath?
A. o, he already fell for it once.
Q. Which servant of G-d was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of un.
Q: Why didn't oah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: How do we know that they did not play cards in the ark?
A: Because oah sat on the deck.
THE JEWISH MAGAZI E
Miracles Don't Happen Every Day
Morris was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
at the synagogue and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, G-d take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I

will go to the synagogue every day for the rest of me life and give up sneaking non
kosher food.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Morris looked up again and said, ever mind, I found one.THE JEWISH
MAGAZI E
The Jews love to tells stories of how they out wit their enemies with cleverness and
thus survive where others perish. In the days of Czar icholas II two Jews were
walking along the boulevard in Moscow. One had a residence permit and the other
did not. Suddenly a policeman appeared. Quick-run! Whispered the one without a
permit. When he sees you run he will think you have no permit and come after you.
This will give me a chance to get away and it won’t hurt you, for you can show him
your permit. So he did and the policeman caught him. “Ahah,” he gloated. “So
you have no permit?” “ o permit, what makes you think that?” As he showed it to
him. Bewildered the policeman asked, “Why did you run?” “My doctor told me to
always run after I take a physic.” “But didn’t you see me running after you?”
“Sure, but I thought your doctor gave you the same advice.” THE JEWISH
MAGAZI E
The Jewish people lay claim to the oldest of written histories, as well as an endless
list of grievances toward the mostly hostile world in which they have lived. They
have endured over four thousand years of persecution, slaughter, torture,
inquisition, pogroms and death camps. They were enslaved by the Egyptians,
slaughtered by the Philistines, exiled by the Babylonians, dispersed by the Romans,
and butchered and chased from land to land in Europe. A history of pain and
suffering, of tragedies, of great losses, and of surviving against all odds. Jewish
humor, too, has persevered over many a generation. Wit and laughter helped
sustain the Jews in their misery. It also provides us with a unique and insightful tool
for the examination of the Jew's chronicles, his attitudes, and his way of coping with
reality.
Jewish humor derives from the immense disparity between what was expected to be
the glorious destiny of the Chosen People who were to be light unto the
nations and their long tormented and often bleak existence. The people perceived
as the ation of the Book, the people who view themselves as an intellectual
powerhouse and have pride in their ability in interpreting vast complexities of
sacred texts, found themselves powerless in their dealings with hostile rulers,
malicious brainless peasants, and anti-Semites throughout their history. Though
cohesive in their private world, they felt isolated and apart from the world at large.
To help cope with this disparity Jews created a humor where laughter and tears,
happiness and fear were inextricable.

The typical Jewish joke revolves around those situations that are familiar to all
Jews, geography notwithstanding. The point of a traditional joke was grasped as
quickly by the shtetl dweller as by his more sophisticated brother in the large
metropolis. The humor is full of acute social observations, exposing mental follies
and the frailties of human nature. The gist of the jest is often a play on words,
double entendres, animated facial expression, and conspicuous body language. An
old Yiddish proverb expresses it poignantly, burdens are from God, shoulders,
too. Shoulders at times bear the load, and at time shrug it off. The humorous
element of a conventional Jewish anecdote is as amusing today as it was in days
past, forfeiting none of its biting relevance to time.
A pastor who enjoyed bragging on his son was talking one day with a friend, who
happened to be a rabbi.
The pastor said My son was a star on his high school baseball team.
That's nice, said the rabbi, and after that?
Well, said the pastor, after that he went to Harvard and graduated summa cum
laude.
ot bad,said the rabbi thoughtfully, and after that?
So then he went to law school at Georgetown and was editor of the law review.
Hmmm. And after that? asked the rabbi.
Well, as soon as he graduated from law school, the biggest law firm in ew York
immediately made him a full partner!
ot bad. Is that all? the rabbi quietly asked.
The pastor, clearly irritated, said, Is that ALL! What do you expect -- that my son
should become God or something?
The rabbi shrugged and said, Well -- one of OUR boys made it.
K
KI D ESS HUMOR

A wealthy man was going for his evening walk when he saw two men eating grass by
the roadside. He stopped by and asked them, ‘Why are you eating grass?’ ‘We don’t
have any money for food,’ the men replied. ‘Oh, well, you can come with me to my
house,’ instructed the man. But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!’ ‘Bring
them along!’ he replied. Suddenly the other man asked, ‘Sir, I have a wife and six
children.’ ‘Bring them as well’ replied the rich man. As they were walking to the
rich man’s house one of the poor guys said: ‘Sir you are so kind and merciful.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.’ The wealthy man looked at them and
replied: ‘I’m glad to do it. You’ll love my place where the grass is almost a foot tall.
As Rachel was getting to know Jacob and his family, she was very impressed by how
much his parents loved each other.
They're so thoughtful, Rachel said. Your dad even brings your mom a cup of
hot coffee in bed every morning.
After a time, Rachel and Jacob were engaged, and then they married. On the way
from the wedding to the reception, Rachel again remarked on Jacob's loving
parents and even the coffee in bed.
Tell me, she said, does it run in the family?
It sure does, replied Jacob. And I take after my mom.
K OCK K OCK HUMOR
Knock Knock Jokes
Aida-lot of food and now I'm stuffed.
Amahl shook up.
Ammonia little kid.
Amith you like a hole in the head.
Atlas it's friday.
Cash I knew you were some kind of a nut.
Colleen all cars.
Cynthia been away I've been so sad.
Daryl never be another like you.
Dewey have to keep telling knock knock jokes.
Dozen anybody open the door.
Else you around.
Ferdie last time.
Freddie or not here I come.

Ida no Idaho not who.
Isabella out of order.
Juno what time it is.
Lisa you can do is let me in.
Ol lady I didn't know you could yodel.
Missouri loves company.
anna your business.
Sarah doctor in the house.
Shelah becoming around the mountain.
Tank your welcome.
Thea later alligator.
Tyrone shoe laces.
Wooden shoe like to know.
L
LAWYER HUMOR
o Donation From Me
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the
town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to
persuade him to contribute.
Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you care to give back to the community in some small
way?, he asked.
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research
also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are
several times her annual income?
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled,Um...no. or that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted
again, or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, the lawyer's voice
rising in indignation, leaving her penniless with three children?!
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea...
The lawyer cut him off once again and said haughtily, well then if I don't give any

money to them, why should I give any to you?
I Want To Take It With Me
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the
final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some
advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney.
I've been thinking lately, he said to them, that perhaps there is something to the
ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next
world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I
ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next
world. The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the
casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were
talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. I have a confession, he said.
This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I
had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it.
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, I must confess, too. The poor have
been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out
and used it to feed and clothe them.
The attorney was beside himself. I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of
each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust
and go against his wishes?
The doctor replies, You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take
anything out of your envelope?
I would never! replied the attorney.
In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!
LOVE HUMOR
Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.
Anonymous
A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim
Allen
What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get
married on his birthday. Cindy Garner
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for

the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
HUMOR IS O E OF THE LOVELY THI GS
OF LIFE
Laughter
By Foy Valentine
Whatsoever things are…lovely…think on these things.”
Philippians 4:8
What could be more lovely than a good belly laugh?
Even a nice little chuckle is not to be sneezed at.
And a good joke is better than a hundred jeremiads. You know, those organ
recitals in which operations are enumerated, wrongs are recalled, and troubles are
mournfully rehashed.
ot to labor the point unduly, consider the considerable benefits of mirth.
Humor, it seems to me, is God’s great gift to a species prone to failure, misery,
depression, wrath, remorse, sickness, disease, gout, cataracts, the common cold, war,
cruelty, cancer, poverty, pain, exploitation, prejudice, hunger, pride, failure, misery,
abuse, torture, violence, and death. If you ask me, who could laugh in the face of
such adversities, then I would like to ask you, who could keep his head above water
at all without the life raft of laughter to cling to in all those wild waters?
Here, then, is a salute to laughter.
Laughter may well derive from our having been made in the likeness of God. He
worked six days in creation, you know, and then washed his hands good and took
the next day off. Sitting down he propped up his feet, surveyed his handiwork, and
with a broad smile, allowed that it was good. Who knows but that he may have
laughed out loud at the ludicrous hippopotamus, at the antics of the monkey, and at
ha adam, the adam, hairless, teetering around on two legs, and naked as a jaybird?
And we can well imagine that God smiled at the light, at the dry land, at violets, at
ripe peaches, at fleecy clouds, at the blue sky, at the fantastic fire he had kindled in
the sun, at the splendor of the full moon rising, at the sunset, and at “the stars also”
(Genesis 1:16).
Common folk wisdom would have us believe that a spoonful of sugar makes the

medicine go down. Actually, I can’t quite see it. Still the wise seer of Proverbs
17:22 allowed that “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” The Psalmist has
said that a body who loves righteousness and hates wickedness, that is, a person who
has his moral head screwed on reasonably straight is anointed by the Lord “with the
oil of gladness” (Psalms 45:7). The author of Hebrews had hid this word about
“the oil of gladness” in his, or her, heart (Hebrews 1:9), right up front. Well-being,
the peace that passes understanding, the smile that turns easily into laughter are
“the oil of gladness” that is the natural corollary of righteousness.
It is always a good day for me when Warren Hultgren, my friend of fifty years,
calls me long distance for a leisurely visit. He is fun. His disposition is sunny. He is
consistently pleasant. He is upbeat. And I could never ever tell you how many of
his stories, yarns, jokes, frivolities, artful exaggerations, and ludicrous little lies, we
have, together, laughed at uproariously. owadays, I can be driving down the
highway all by myself and still burst out laughing at one of his tales which he told
me twenty years ago. That tale, I estimate has been worth a minimum of $50,000 to
me.
My warm friendship of a lifetime shared with Charles Trentham had such a
dimension. Just before he died recently in a terrible car accident, we had occasion
to revel together in this tale: it seems that this young preacher was called to two
churches on the same day. ot knowing which one to take, but being quite sure that
he wanted out of where he was, he went to his old mentor, saying, “What shall I do?
I just want, in my ministry, to be where God is. “The old pastor said. “That’s easy,
son. Go where the money is. God is everywhere.” I can still hear his deep,
resonant, contagious laugh. (If you won’t tell anybody, I’ll tell you that I told that
at his funeral; and I’m pretty sure he relished it again.)
My Texas Aggie brother, older by five years, and I often call each other long
distance to share a small joke, a funny story, a nice turn of phrase, or, rarely, a new
blockbuster of humor which simply will not wait until we with mutually advancing
auditory challenges (that is French for deafness), can shout it at one another, face to
face.
Another friend, Ross Coggins, lights up my whole life with his unique gift of
seeing the funny side of things so that any conversation we can manage to have, in
person, by phone, or in writing, is a benediction to me, a truly good word.
Laughter’s universal appeal is clearly seen in my friend Bruce McIver’s
phenomenally popular Stories I Could ot Tell While I Was Pastor, a funny book
now in its twelfth printing and just now released, together with its sequel, Just As
Long As I’m Riding Up Front, by Guideposts as their featured Spring promotion on
a national and international scale.
You can understand why I feel compelled to rise up and call these people blessed.
They have employed laughter to our mutual edification, made life’s rough places a
little smoother, for a little while enabled us to soar above the rough terrain through

which we have been stumbling, and obliterate for the moment the nagging pain, the
miserable failures, and the everlasting thorns in the flesh which, if allowed to do so,
would drain the juices of our souls, gnaw at our spirits, and consume us all.
So.
Smile. It beats frowning.
Chuckle. It beats grouching.
Laugh. It beats crying.
Laughter. Let’s celebrate it and thank God for it. It is a lovely thing.
M
MARRIAGE HUMOR
ILLUS: Adam and Eve had the world’s only perfect marriage. She couldn’t talk
about the man she might have married and he couldn’t complain that his mother
was a better cook. -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows
My wife and I like the same things. The only difference is that I like to save it and
she likes to spend it.
The guy who said talk is cheap never said I do.
I just can’t stand to see my wife shovel snow, so I pull down the shades.
My wife is a cleanliness nut. At dinner she ties a pigeon around my neck so there
won’t be any crumbs.
A woman sued for divorce on odd grounds. My husband has
a split personality, and I can't stand either one of them.
One girl to another: My boyfriend has a split personality.

Sometimes he's wonderful to be with, but other times he's broke.
Many an experienced husband knows that women are unpredictable. You never
know how they are going to make you miserable next. There was the case of the
wife who was reading her husband’s fortune card from a penny scale. She read,
“You are a leader of men, with a magnetic personality and strong character. You
are intelligent, witty and attractive to the opposite sex!” The wife continued, “It has
your weight wrong too.”
A man filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that
read, I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club.
There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7:00 on channel 2.
marriage joke. The husband walk into the room and sneeringly says Why are you
ironing your bra, you don't have anything to put into it? She says, I still iron your
shorts anyway.
WIFE
She said to her husband, The car has water on the carburator. You don't even
know what a carburator is. Where is the car? She said, It's in the pool.
She was so suspicious if she found no blonde, black or red hairs on him, she
accusmed him of running around with bald women.
She thought her work was done when she swept down the aisle.
It takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
She is a human dynamo-she charges everything.
Her husband said when we got married you had a coke bottle figure. She said I still
do but now its a two-liter.
APPOLOGIZE
1. One of the first lessons I leanred in our marriage was the necessity of saying,
I'm sorry, My wife, christy, is much better at it than me. In fact, it seems that
wheever we had a disagreement, she would be the first to apologize. Due to muy
delicate male ego, I would let her.
After one of our discussions, Cristy decided that it was my turn to say I'm
sorry. Since I wasn't used to apologizing, I thought nothing of te stony silence that
existed between us for the next hour. However, I caught her nonverbal message

after awhile: Either you apologize, or face the consequences. As a newlywed, it
didn't take me long to figure out what those consequences might be!
But I was feeling stubborn that evening and thought maybe I could outwait her.
I was wrong. There was no way she was going to apologize first. She had made up
her mind, and the next move was up to me.
I knew I should do my part; Christy was a very forgiving person. And after all,
wasn't I the head of our home? Wasn't I the one who was supposed to be showing
the way? Wasn't I to love Christy as Christ loved His church?
Fianlly, I dropped to my knees. ot to pray, although I probably should have. I
dropped to my knees so I could crawl across the living room and beg Christy's
forgiveness. It was a well-calculated move, and it broght the desired reesult;
laughter. For all her determination, she couldn't stay mad when she saw her
penitent husband crawling on the floor.
When I finally reached her, we collapsed in each other's arms, almost
simutaneously saying, I'm sorry! The ice had been broken, and we could return
to the joys of our relationship.
Since that time, I've said, I'm sorry many times. Sometimes I've added flowers
or a gift. I doubt I'll ever be as quick to forgive as Christy, but I'll never forget the
lesson I learned that night. Love means you always have to say I'm sorry.
J.D. Holt
David Veerman wrote, The erosion of my expertise began just before the marital
bless began. It was just a hint, a clue, at the wedding rehearsal. When the minister
asked my bride to be if sh'd take me for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in
sickness or in hralth. Gail quickly said, I'll take better, healthy, and rich. I
chuckled with the others and thought, What a woman! What a great sense of
humor! Of course I fully expected to be all of these and more. The seed-hint fell
on a closed mind. But a few days later came the second one.
Honeymooning in serene nothern Michigan, we had decided not to look like
typical mewlyweds, giggling, wide-eyed and glued to each other. Instead, we would
register at the hotel, order meals, and stroll arm in arm like any noraml young
couple on vacation. But on the grocery store checkout counter, right in the midst of
our purchases, I saw something alarming---Crest toothpaste. But I use Colgate! I
blurted loudly. Our newness and communication lapse broght knowing smiles from
the cashier and the doxen or so others in line.
During the weeks, months, and years that followed, the clues mounted--perhaps I
was not an expert after all. Lving together in close an doften gross quarters brought
out all sorts of personal rough edges that we would bump and rub against and often
work around. Our marriage ideals--impossible pictures of perfection---fell like
overripe tomatos in a storm. o matter how much I had lectured on marriage or
how much Gail and I knew, we were rank amatueurs, and we struggled together to
make our marriage work. I found my premarriage and marriage counseling
changing to more practical realism.
Children, however, were another story. I could hardly wait to father those

beautiful, God-given blessings, and my eagerness was heightened by our seeming
inablity to conceive. But finally there she was--tiny, heaven-sent, and precious.
With wrinkled yawns and profound gurgles, Kara epitornized innocence. When she
first cried in Gail's arms in the hospital, tears fell from Mommy's eyes too.
Once home, however, we had many rude awakenings! Darling Kara cried for a
month, usually at night. The doctor said it was colic; I thought I was losing my
mind. Why did I ever want a child? I wondered. Another idela bit the dust as I
immersed myself in the real world of parenting---incredibly soiled diapers, pablum
pools, brusies, weeping and wailings an deven gnashing of teeth (mine). Believe me,
I now emphathize and sympathize with parents and unruly kids wherever I see
them.
ow our oldest is in junior high school. Other experts say this is the age for
wide swings in emotions. I'm sure they're talking about the parents. One moment
we are so proud of our little lady, who is growing, maturing, thinking, being polite
and thoughtful. And then suddenly we are convinced she is demon possessed. Alas,
the last bastion of my expertise has fallen. I've spent 25 years working with
teenagers, and yet I'm an amateur with my own.
ME ARE HAPPIER
Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
wear O shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world
is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when
you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected. ew shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all
the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires o nly one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than
enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails

with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25 minutes.
o wonder men are happier. Unknown
COOKI G
I asked what kind of a cake is that and she said a Lucifer cake. I said I thought you
were making an angel food cake. I did she responded but it fell.
Face powder can help catch a man, but it takes baking powder to keep him.
I came home one night tired and Lavonne said lets go out and eat. She said I could
not cook because the electricity went off. But we have a gas stove. Yes, she said, but
we have an electric can opener.
Lavonne thinks of me as her favorite author. She just loves it when I write checks.
Is your new husband keeping his promises? Yes, he said before we got married he
was not good enough for me, and he has been proving it ever since.
I bought my wife such nice China she is afraid to let me help with the dishes.
Many who set sail on the sea of matrimony wish later that they had missed the boat.
A guy came up to me and said, Do you think it is right for a man to profit from
another man's mistake? I said, o it is not alright. Good, he said, I want
back that twenty dollars I gave you for marrying me.
If you really loved me, she said, you would have married somebody else.
They split everything fifty-fifty. She got the inside of the house and he got the
outside.
She called him a model husband. He looked up model and read it defined as, A
small imitation of the real thing.
One guy at work came to me feeling really down and said he and his wife had a fight
and she said she would not talk to him for a week. I said it will go fast. He said thats
just it today is the last day.

MALE HUMOR
Facts About Men
1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
2. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be
Hell.
3. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
4. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they
see a bikini.
5. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
6. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer
instead of one.
7. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs,
breasts and thighs.
8. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? O E...He just holds it up
there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
9. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
10. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up
window.
11. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
12. What do you with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange
him.
13. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to
work it.
14. What's a mans' idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
15. What's the smartest thing a man can say? My wife says...
16. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the
snoring before it starts.

18. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they
forget what happened.
19. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in
space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
20. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to
go back to his childhood, he's already there.
21. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? They
all already have boyfriends.
Dictionary For Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he
hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he
made the dinner.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half
pound bag of peanut MMs.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to
take to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never
be able to duplicate again. See Magician.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he
isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to

hold your hand and say focus,...breathe...push...
Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck.
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and
children. See also tranquilizers.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or
swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight
dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Classes For Men
ote: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays.
Step By Step, With Slide Presentation.
Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders?
Round Table Discussion.
Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat Up And
Avoiding The Floor/Walls And earby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The
Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into
The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Topic 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote To Your Significant Other.
Helpline Support and Support Groups.

Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right Place
Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is ot Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tape.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks.
Driving Simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences between Mother And Wife.
On Line Class And Role Playing.
Topic 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation And Breathing
Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To
Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered.
** Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.
Boys Girls
Equal is not always synonymous with the same. Men and women are created
equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy
a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty
when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter
Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the
church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good
smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made.
A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play

house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off
their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch
too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be
seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their
face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the
walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he
will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow
their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them
into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are
attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will
stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make
machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR
after they've watched Teenage Mutant inja Turtles movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
MIDDLE AGE HUMOR
When you no longer need a pillow to play Santa.
When your not with it to the youth anymore. I talked to a middle ager who thought
the first rock festival was when David hit Goliath.
The older you get the more problems you have. A secretary dropped some of her
pills into the zerox machine and it quit reproducing.

The older we get the more we like the good old days. The poet put it:
I'm not in love with the present
For the good old days I pine.
When the government lived within it's income,
And without so much of mine.
Older people escape much however.
A young mother said a baby sure brightens the home. Yes said her older neighbor I
notice your lights are on all night now.
Women are loyal, once they reach an age they like they stick to it. Women are shy
about telling their age-about ten years shy. One woman said forty was the most
difficult age to pass, it took her about eight years.
This is the grain age when you start to feel your corn more than your oats.
MI ESOTA HUMOR
The Birds
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section
and Sven says to Ole,Dat's dem.
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to
the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, Dis looks like a grand
place.
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: By
yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
Hey, Ole. Vatch dis. Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws
himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks

every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a
chicken
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den
Knute parrotshooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ...
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
Ole and his wife Lena are strolling along a country road in northern Minnesota.
They notice a human head lying along the side of the road. Lena picks it up, holds it
up in the air and says, Hey, that looks like Sven? Ole replies, Can't be, he wasn't
that tall.
17th of May parade
Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road
for the parade, the orwegians on the other. Then, the Swedes throw firecrackers at
the orwegians. Then, the orwegians light the firecrackers and throw them back
Three sailors, a Dane, a orwegian and a Swede, shipwreck and wash up on the
coast of a Central American country in the middle of a guerrilla war. Rebel forces
capture them, put them on trail, and condemn them to death as spies. The next
morning at dawn, the Dane is put before the firing squad. As they take aim he
shouts, TIDAL WAVE!!! The troops panic, scatter to high ground and the Dane
escapes. The orwegian sailor is taken out the next morning. Having heard about
the Dane from the guards, at the appropriate time he shouts, EARTHQUAKE!!!
Again the firing squad panics and he escapes. The Swede, when his turn comes,
realizes that the firing squad will not fall for the same disaster twice, so he shouts
FIRE!!! And they do..
Olaf Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no
matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter, he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he
pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

Yiminy Cricket! exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. Vere
dit yew git dat monster??
Vell, replied Olaf, I got it from my Genie.
You haff a Genie?? Sven asked.
Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.
Could I see him?
Olaf opens his tackle box sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill
you grant me vun vish?
Yes, I will, says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting
for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens is filled with the sound of a million
ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf, Yumpin' Yimminy!! I asked
for a million bucks, not a million ducks!
Olaf answers, Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really
tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?
MISU DERSTA DI G HUMOR
A Texas rancher driving through Vermont had to stop to let a farmer's cow cross
the road. As the farmer passed infront of the Cadillac convertible, the rancher
called out to him, How much land you got, partner? Wal, the farmer said, my
land runs all the way down there to them alders along the brook. On the meadow
side, over there, it goes clean up to those larches on the hill. You know, said the
rancher, I got a spread in Texas and I can get in my pickup and drive all day
without reaching any of my boundary lines. That so? said the farmer. I had a
truck like that once.
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when

his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he
prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. You know he
said, I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?
The driver said, o problem. Have at it. Billy gets into the driver's seat and
they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper
operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55
mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his
patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He
immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also
know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I
should do because I have stopped a very important person.
The supervisor asked, Is it the governor?
The young trooper said, o, he's more important than that.
The supervisor said, Oh, so it's the president.
The young trooper said, ot, he's even more important than that.
The supervisor finally asked, Well then, who is it?
The young trooper said, I think its Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a
chauffer!
MO EY HUMOR
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little
gift.
How about some perfume? he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
That’s a bit much, said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
That’s still quite a bit, Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
What I mean, said Tim, is I’d like to see something really cheap.
The clerk handed him a mirror
Top 10 signs you’re broke
10. American Express calls and says: Leave home without it!
9. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
8. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
6. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
5. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

4. Your bologna has no first name.
3. Sally Struthers sends you food.
2. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
1. At communion you go back for seconds
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll
clean it and put it on a hanger. ext morning buy it back for 75 cents.--Billiam
Coronel
MUSIC HUMOR
A thought on the music of today: “If Van Gogh were alive, he’d cut off his other
ear.
His voice has great range. He’s gotten complaints from people as far as two blocks
away.
I thought my son was playing his new compact disc, and then I discovered it was
just a spoon in the garbage disposal.
My singing got mixed reviews the other night. I liked it, but my audience didn’t.
ext on the program, we will hear from the Jolly Green Giant singing his big hit,
“There will be peas in the valley.”

HUMOR OF AMES
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into
his office. What’s your name? he asked the new guy.
John, the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, Look... I don’t know what kind of a place you worked
before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ...
Smith, Jones, Baker ... That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. ow
that we got that straight, what is your last name?
The new guy sighed, Darling. My name is John Darling.
Okay John
HUMOR OF O SE SE
Ain't We Crazy?
It was midnight on the ocean,
not a horsecart was in sight.
I stepped into a drugstore,
to get myself a light.
The man behind the counter
was a woman old and grey,
who used to peddle postcards
on the Road to Mandalay.
Ain't we crazy? Ain't we crazy?
I think I'll sing this song
all night today!
What a way to pass the time away.
'Good evening, Sir',
she said to me,
her eyes were filled with tears.
She put her head between her knees,
and stayed that way for years.
Her children all were orphans,
except for one small tot,
who lived across the street,
just above a vacant lot.

I think I'll sing this song
all night today!
What a way to pass the time away.
Author unknown.
UMBERS HUMOR
Car Count
Five ew Zealanders, travelling across Europe in an Audi Quattro, arrive at a
border crossing. The Customs Officer stops them and says, “It is illegal to put 5
people into a Quattro.”
“Why,” they asked, more than a little bemused at this European logic.
“Quattro means 4,” the customs official replied.
“But Quattro is just the name of the car,” they protested. “See these papers. The car
is registered to carry 5 people.”
“You can’t fool me. Quattro means 4. You have 5 people in the car, therefore you’re
breaking the law.”
The ew Zealanders replied, “Come on! Really! Please call over your supervisor.”
“Sorry,” responds the official, “He can’t come. He’s too busy right now with 2 guys
in a Fiat Uno.”
O

OLD PEOPLE HUMOR
ERIC S YDER
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious
about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who
keeps to himself.
Shirley says, Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool
and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, Excuse
me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you
looked so lonely.
Of course I’m lonely, he says, I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.
You’re kidding! What for?
For killing my third wife. I strangled her.
What happened to your second wife?
I shot her.
And, if I may ask, your first wife?
We had a fight and she fell off a bridge.
Oh my, says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she
yells,
you’re never going to believe this, Shirley. He’s single.
Regretfully did I arrive,
Attained the age of fifty-five.
But helping counter my chagrin:
Senior-discounts kicking in.
So, armed with proof that I was born
One distant, prehistoric morn,
It's off to Burger King I go,
Full of confidence to know
That they most certainly will doubt it,
Make some kind of fuss about it.
A senior burger, if you please,
I tell the lad, with extra cheese.
Carefully, I watch his eyes,
For just a hint of real surprise.
If only he'd display for me
A look of incredulity,
Challenge me and watch me chortle,
Show this punk that I'm immortal.
Why couldn't he just ask for proof?
That inconsiderate young goof!

Was it cool to vent such rage,
Or do I really show my age? U K OW
Camille Paglia: Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Hard of Hearing
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor
to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see
her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could
do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal
onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so
on until you get a response.
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and
he says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
Honey, what's for supper?
o response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. Honey, what's for
supper?
o response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. Honey, what's for supper?
o response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. Honey, what's for supper?.
o response.
So he walks right up behind her. Honey, what's for supper?
For the fifth time, CHICKE !
MEMORY
Jamie Buckingham wrote, “My key problem comes with people who grab my hand
in some public place and say, “I’ll bet you don’t remember me, do you?” I squint at
them through my unstretchable eyes and usually say something stupid like, “I may
forget your name, but I’d never forget a face like that.” I use to lie and say, “Sure, I
remember you.” But there are just enough brazen people who answer, “Then who
am I?” “I’ve been cured of that approach. I keep hearing about folks who can
memorize phone books, but I can’t even look up a number and remember it long
enough to dial the phone. I have to keep glancing back and forth,...and have to hold
the phone book at arms length and dial the same time.” “Recently I’ve found myself
responding to the “betcha-don’t-remember-me.” People by saying, “I guess you

don’t know but I suffered brain damage when I was forty...” Which is about as
close to the truth as I can come without saying, “ ot only have I forgotten your
name, but I’ve forgotten where I am. What city is this, anyway?”
First you forget names, then you forget faces. ext you forget to pull your zipper
up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
-- George Burns
Three sisters ages 92, 100 and 104 live in a house together. One night the 104 year
old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs was I
getting in or out of the bath?
The 100 year old yells back I don't know. I'll come up and see. She starts up the
stairs and pauses. Then she yells was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says I sure hope I never get that forgetful. She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the door?
“Remember, old folks are worth a fortune-silver in their hair, gold in their teeth,
stones in their kidney’s lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come
into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am
seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and
attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He
doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After
such a busy day I am really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
P. S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be
thinking about the here after. I told him, “Oh, I do all the time. o matter where I
am-in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement-I ask myself
what am I here after?”
Birthday’s are nice, but too many of them will kill a person.
By the time your 80 you’ve learned everything, but the problem is in trying to
remember it.

HUMOR OF O E LI ERS
A day without sunshine is like,… night
On the other hand… you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will
be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
othing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever-so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
My mind is like a steel trap-rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
o one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous-tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I am a prison singer. I am always behind a few bars and never have the right key.
Sign in front of golfing shop.Golf balls the size of hail.
Dreamed I was in heaven and St. Peter said you have to write all your sins on a
chalk board before entering. So I went up the stairs to begin and I met______
coming down. I said, where are you going? He said,I need to go get another box of
chalk.
I had to change my phone number. I was not getting any calls on the old one.
I want a sensitive guy who will cry when I hit him.
Did you get a hair cut? o, I got them all cut.
IMPOSSIBLE
The next time someone tells you that nothing is impossible, get them to try eating an
ice cream cone from the bottom up!
The person who said nothing is impossible never tried to barbeque pancakes.
The next time someone tries to tell you that nothing is impossible, tried to get him to
put his skies over his shoulder and go through a revolving door.
He so optimistic that he puts his shoes on when he hears a speaker say, “ ow in
conclusion…”
A real optimist is a guy who pulls up in front of a shopping mall to meet his wife and
leaves the motor running.
CHEAP
He is very charitable. Every year he offers 50 thousand dollars to the wife of the
unknown soldier.
STUPID

He bet 10 dollars on a football game and lost. Then he bet another 10 dollars on the
instant replay and lost again.
MEA
He enjoys super-gluing worms to the sidewalk so he can watch robins go crazy.
Here’s a man that been just like a brother to me. In fact, just yesterday he beat me
up and took my bicycle.
Dixon's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
ever take life seriously. obody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick, and the dead
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.
Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Friends don't let Friends drive aked.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. ow beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
3 kinds of people: those who can count those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
Things To Keep In Mind
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains might fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying ' ice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
P
PARE T HUMOR
Parent's Dictionary
AM ESIA:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLA I G:

the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of
financial disaster.
FEEDBACK:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL AME:
what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRA DPARE TS:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're
not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREG ABLE:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
I DEPE DE T:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRE ATAL:
when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF:
a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BU K:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MI UTE WAR I G:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting
noises.
VERBAL:
able to whine in words
WHODU IT:
none of the kids that live in your house
Parenting Readiness Test
Take this simple test to determine whether or not you are ready to have children...
THE MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. ow rub your hands in the wet
flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
THE TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute

roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put
on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could
wake a sleeping child.)
THE GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.
THE DRESSI G TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that
all arms stay inside.
THE FEEDI G TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling
with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be
an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor and over your
clothes.
THE IGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it
thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4
am. Set alarm for 5 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.
I GE UITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an
alligator. ow take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas
candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong
ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put
it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette
player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOME ):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your front under your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. ow remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet
full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (ME ):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help
himself. ow proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange
for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go
home and read it quietly for the last time.
THE FI AL ASSIG ME T:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run rampant. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time

you have all the answers.
Sandwich Perfection
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.
A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,
gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my
wife suddenly at my side.
Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich, she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for
the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard.
And I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was OT mustard. o man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did
it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, ow you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'
Cats and Teenagers
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they
really have a lot in common with cats:
either teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
o matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it
can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in
public with his or her parents.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever
crack a smile.
o cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving,
barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate
human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the
middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not
above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but
veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.
And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves
in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for
some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
Excuse otes from Parents
Supposedly Actual Excuse otes from Parents (including original spelling)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also
33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced
his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the
growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close
veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe)
the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots
leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know
what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday
paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with
the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed
well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,headache
and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a
low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Lessons from Mom
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DO E
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!
My mother taught me RELIGIO
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!
My mother taught me LOGIC
Because I said so, that's why.
My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with
me.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRO Y
Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
Shut your mouth and eat your supper!
My mother taught me about CO TORTIO IST
Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!
My mother taught me about STAMI A
You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.
My mother taught me about WEATHER
It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THE ?

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATIO
Stop acting like your father!
My mother taught me about E VY
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!
My Mother taught me about A TICIPATIO ...
Just wait until we get home.
My Mother taught me about RECEIVI G....
You are going to get it when we get home!
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIE CE...
If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.
My Mother taught me to THI K AHEAD...
If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.
My Mother taught me ESP...
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?
My mother taught me HUMOR
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.
My mother taught me how to BECOME A ADULT
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My Mother taught me about GE ETICS...
You're just like your father.
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
Do you think you were born in a barn?
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
When you get to be my age, you will understand.
And my all time favorite...JUSTICE...
One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!

Children: The best bang for the buck - ultimate return on your investment
I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the
first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice. Counting...
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and
came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That
doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild
fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert your child's
name here).
For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless. But
$160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year,
$741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over a dollar
an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if
you want to be rich. It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140?
aming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping
down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your
stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger- paint, carve pumpkins,
play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, have an excuse to keep reading the
Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to
Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and
collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for
Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for
retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike,
removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream
regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first
date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if
you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and
human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to
heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police
a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they
will, like you, love without counting the cost.
ALL OF THE ABOVE O PARE TI G HUMOR ARE FROM Wilkinson Family
Home Site
PERSPECTIVE HUMOR
She looks like a million dollars! How sweet the flattering tribute to women sounds.
But clothed in British parlance, cruel epithet- when she looks like a million pounds.
KARE LI AME
I used to think life was going to be a bed of roses … a piece of cake … a walk in the
park. Of course, what I didn’t figure on, way back then, was that roses have thorns,
cakes have calories, and a walk in the park increases your odds of stepping in doggie
doo-doo.
The Blind Men of Indostan
by John Godfrey Saxe
It was 6 men of Indostan to learning much inclined
Who went to see an elephant tho' all of them were blind
That each by observation might satisfy his mind!
The first approached the elephant, and happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side, At once began to bawl,
God bless me! But the elephant is nothing but a wall
The second feeling of the tusk, Cried: Ho, what have we here?
So very round and smooth and sharp, to me it's mighty clear
This wonder of an elephant is very like a spear!
The third approached the animal and happening to take

The squirming trunk within his hands, thus boldly up and spake
I see, quoth he, The elephant is very like a snake.
The fourth reached out his cagey hand and felt about the knee,
What must this wondrous beast be like, s mighty plain, said he,
Tis clear enough the elephant, is very like a tree.
The fifth who chanced to touch the ear, said, Even the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most, deny the fact-who can?
This marvel of an elephant is very like a fan!
The sixth no sooner had begun about the beast to grope,
hen seizing on the swinging tail, that fell within his scope.
To me, quoth he, the elephant is very like a rope.
And so these men of Indostan disputed loud and long;
Each in his own opinion exceeding stiff and strong.
Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong.
POETRY A D HUMOR
A SE SE OF HUMOR
by Elizabeth Pearson
How blest to have a sense of humor --
that casts away doom and gloom!
It lightens the trial, lifts the load,
and gives to the burdened room...
To turn netative to positive
and see the bright side of things,
It then prompts the body to laughter --
awakened, the spirit sings!
It's a balmy salve for the weary,
needed tonic for the sad --
Just simple words, but spoken in fun,
can make the faintest heart glad!
o-one needs always to be serious --
nor should countenance be glum,
For, behind the clouds the sky is clear
and there, shining, is the sun!
So shed your tears, minimize your ills --
don't dwell just upon the worst!

A smile or two, coming forth from you,
can make that dire bubble to burst!
Then sharpen your sense of humor, friend,
as on the saddened you call,
If your glad heart is tuned to the Lord,
you'll be a blessing to all!
BAD EWS
I decry, I deplore, and I righteously score
The newspaper’s love a of a story
That’s reeking with lechery, murder and treachery,
And all that sinful and gory.
The news that’s in fashion is bursting with passion.
Its scandalous, lured and gruesome;
The love nest, the gang war, the shoot-em-dead-bang war,
The suicide pact of the twosome.
They print all the time, every terrible crime
And perversion you never have heard of,
The bad, the unlawful, the utterly awful
I’d not for the world miss a word of.
Drive Thru
by ancy ess
I rose this morn with much to do -
Hopped in the car and off I flew.
o time for breakfast, that I knew -
Glad Dunkin Do uts has Drive Thru.
In need of dollars, quite a few -
Went to the bank teller's Drive Thru.
Then filled all my prescriptions too -
At Pharmacy's brand new Drive Thru.
Some bills to mail in box of blue -
Off to the Post Office Drive Thru.
Picked up the laundry cleaned anew -
Just stopped at Suds Duds Drive Thru.

With lunchtime near, my tummy's queue -
Got a Big Mac from the Drive Thru.
The car by then was low on fuel -
Full serve at Shell, just Drive on Thru.
And when they fill the tank for you -
Your car's washed free - in their Drive Thru.
Library books were overdue -
The curbside slot is a Drive Thru.
Then videos must go back too -
Blockbuster has their own Drive Thru.
In need of milk and bread, I knew -
I stopped at Dairymaid's Drive Thru.
The family asked Please, can we do -
The Drive In show when dinner's thru???
Hold not thy laughter
For that joyful sound
I am forever after, seeking when you are around
Waiting for it to chortle, in the background
As it fights to escapes thy lips
To send me on joyful trips
Your giggles and cackles
Harmlessly tend to baffle
Your happy facial expressions
Paint only a gleeful picture of inspiration
As we rejoice to thy jubilant noises in full attention
Hold not thy laughter from the heart
Hold not thy laughter until we part
Hold not thy laughter as we make a start
When I dispel in my gloom
Thy laughter delivers me

Safely from my state of doom
Sadness runs outside from my room
Happiness inside glows with a boom
As my rosy cheeks mirthfully blossom
Hold not thy laughter as we cheerfully chat
Hold not thy laughter when you publicly fart
Hold not thy laughter whatever the format
A giggle, a chuckle, a titter not a snigger
Laugh it out whether thin or fat
Fill the air, my dear
Laugh it out before it scats out flat
Copyright 2006 - Sylvia Chidi
Let Me Hear Our Song
Hear the laughter
of the universe
soar into the smile
of playful shooting stars
Hear the laughter
of crisp Spring leaves
tasting the warmth
of blossomtime
Hear the first smile
of a baby’s first breath...
swim in the perfume
of a new mother's tears of joy
Let me hear the silence
of love’s piercing peace
as the sparkle of glittering rain
laughs in the smiling dark
In your eyes the colors of laughter
...the blushes of our rainbow
are brush strokes
in the mating of our minds
As the chatter of morning birds

is a smile for nature’s new day,
the harmony of our loving hearts
is a song that for all eternity will play
Alan Buckholtz
Finding Laughter
Where did you hide your laughter, my friend?
Your shadowed eyes,
your pressed lips,
your hardened mask
only show me how you have allowed
sadness to take over your life.
Crying is good for you on occasion,
a release for all that went before,
but following tears
laughter should peal like a bell
ringing in the good times once again.
I sense that you have hidden laughter
beneath those boulders of sadness
you have chosen to shoulder.
If only you would share the burden,
perhaps laughter would creep out and
fill your eyes,
relax your tight lips,
and melt your mask
until your heart overflows
with joy.
Come walk with me
and let us whisper
all the funny things
from years past,
jokes we shared,
outrageous pranks played.
We have an amusing history, you and I,
so let us find humor even in grief
so that we both may continue
ever whole again.

Raynette Eitel
Lyric: What Makes Laughter So Funny
People say there is nothing funnier then laughter
You can even chuckle some long hours after
You laugh at what is sometimes seen
You laugh at things you do not mean
Yet some where in all hilarity
In amongst that crazy parody
Will Someone please tell me, I’ll give you money
What makes laughter, so darn funny!
Why, when you laugh do people laugh too?
Laugh not at things you say or things you do
Its crazy how when nothing’s funny
People laugh and clutch their to tummy
Will anybody tell me? Wouldn’t you? please, sonny
What makes laughter so gosh darn funny!
Yes, What makes laughter so gosh darn FU Y!
Matt Rappolt
THE ULTIMATE JOY
I have felt the thrill of passion in the poet's mystic book
And I've lingered in delight to catch the rhythm of the brook;
I've felt the ecstasy that comes when prima donnas reach
For upper C and hold it in a long, melodious screech.
And yet the charm of all these blissful memories fades away
As I think upon the fortune that befell the other day,
As I bring to recollection, with a joyous, wistful sigh,
That I woke and felt the need of extra covers in July.
Oh, eerie hour of drowsiness--'twas like a fairy spell,
That respite from the terrors we have known, alas, so well,
The malevolent mosquito, with a limp and idle bill,
Hung supinely from the ceiling, all exhausted by his chill.
And the early morning sunbeam lost his customary leer
And brought a gracious greeting and a prophecy of cheer;
A generous affability reached up from earth to sky,

When I woke and felt the need of extra covers in July.
In every life there comes a time of happiness supreme,
When joy becomes reality and not a glittering dream.
'Tis less appreciated, but it's worth a great deal more
Than tides which taken at their flood lead on to fortune's shore.
How vain is Art's illusion, and how potent ature's sway
When once in kindly mood she deigns to waft our woes away!
And the memory will cheer me, though all other pleasures fly,
Of how I woke and needed extra covers in July.
_Unknown._
THE HEIGHT OF THE RIDICULOUS
I wrote some lines once on a time
In wondrous merry mood,
And thought, as usual, men would say
They were exceeding good.
They were so queer, so very queer,
I laughed as I would die;
Albeit, in the general way,
A sober man am I.
I called my servant, and he came;
How kind it was of him,
To mind a slender man like me,
He of the mighty limb!
These to the printer, I exclaimed,
And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
There'll be the devil to pay.
He took the paper, and I watched,
And saw him peep within;
At the first line he read, his face
Was all upon a grin.
He read the next, the grin grew broad,
And shot from ear to ear;
He read the third, a chuckling noise
I now began to hear.

The fourth, he broke into a roar;
The fifth, his waistband split;
The sixth, he burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.
Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,
I watched that wretched man,
And since, I never dare to write
As funny as I can.
_Oliver Wendell Holmes._
THE PRAYER OF CYRUS BROW
The proper way for a man to pray,
Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
And the only proper attitude
Is down upon his knees.
o, I should say the way to pray,
Said Rev. Doctor Wise,
Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapt and upturned eyes.
Oh, no; no, no, said Elder Slow,
Such posture is too proud:
A man should pray with eyes fast closed
And head contritely bowed.
It seems to me his hands should be
Austerely clasped in front.
With both thumbs pointing toward the ground,
Said Rev. Doctor Blunt.
Las' year I fell in Hodgkin's well
Head first, said Cyrus Brown,
With both my heels a-stickin' up,
My head a-pinting down;
An' I made a prayer right then an' there--
Best prayer I ever said,
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed,
A-standing on my head.

_Sam Walter Foss._
POOPIE HUMOR
The Poopie List
Ghost Poopie : The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's
nothing in the toilet.
Clean Poopie : The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie : The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie : It happens when you're done poopie-ing and you pull your
pants up, and you realize that you have to poopie some
more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie : The kind where you strain so much to get
it out, you practically have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie : You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie : The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.
Gasey Poopie : It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie : The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticable trait is the tread marks on the bottom
of the toilet.
Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.
Gee I Wish I Could Poopie Poopie : It's the kind where you want to poopie
but all you do is sit on the toilet,
cramped, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie : That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) : The kind that comes out so fast, your
butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie : The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Food Poopie : It smells so bad the room must be condemned.
Upper Class Poopie : The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman Bobber Poopie : That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your
stall, you poopie and flush two times, but
several golfball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.
PU HUMOR
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown
apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area etwork in Australia: the LA down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
Religion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable
answers. - Art Gecko
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine 'taint enough of it!!
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
23. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
24. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
28. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Fun Puns
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different
puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in

ten did.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it
sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and ever amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to
the other, Are you all right? o, I lost an electron! Are you sure? Yeah, I'm
positive!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's ovocain during root
canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.But why? they asked, as they
moved off. Because, he said,I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He
came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other
was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading
the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest
and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring
dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, them I'm a teepee, then I'm a
wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me? The doctor replies: It's
very simple. You're two tents.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds, But they're twins - if you've see Juan, you've seen
Amal.
Q
HUMOR QUESTIO S

Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller
Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was,
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around
to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage
situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do practice?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean
them?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If a man alone in the woods said something would a woman still say he was wrong?
Can Bald people have Hairline fractures?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a blind seer?
Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?
Can you cry underwater?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called stand-up?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the
little can one can, too? Wouldn't the little cans be 2 cans?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you
do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you what three things would you bring with you on a desert
island? no one ever replies, A BOAT
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new

to eat will have materialized?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of
childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those
darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
Why is it written May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts on peanut
butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
STUPID QUESTIO S
if deaf people go to court is it still called a hearing?
should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is everything that goes by watr “car”go and everything by land is “ship”ment!
Why do we drive on “park”ways and park in “drive”ways!
Can Fat ppl go skinny-dipping?
After amphibians eat, do they have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
why is the word abbreviation so long?
If all of the demons cast out of Beelzebub entered the pigs, would that have made it
deviled ham?
Why do they always served deviled eggs at church luncheons.
Why is meat from a chicken just called chicken, but from a cow it is beef? Or from a
pig it is pork.
why is it that you never hear of a psychic winning the lottery?
Why did they skip the “E” in the grading system
Did people call Robin Hood’s mom Mother Hood?
Does the Michelin Man get tired?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with
real lemons?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Why is it so that when I was young i used to want a BMW now THAT I AM OLD i
just want the BM.
What’s the difference between new and brand new?
If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?
If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?
How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?
Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?
big — Why is this word littler than little, small and tiny?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, can I ask you a question? and they say fire
away should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?

Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?
How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is
thou shall not steal?
Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?
If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole,
and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or
fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible?
If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to
cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out everywere?
Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word teacher you get cheater?
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than
you talk?
How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it?
If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?
You know the saying throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care? why bother
doing that if you dont care?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If Fantasy Island really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6 ?
Why do water bottles have a best if used by date?
If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that
be considered a cop out?
Can bald people get a hair line fracture?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life
you need to be in class before the bell rings?
Why can the saying it's all downhill from here. mean both that it will be easy and
that it is going to get worse?
If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?
Why do cool and hot mean the same thing?
If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off?
Is it legal to name your kid Anonymous?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?
If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads?
Why can't liquor freeze?
If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down?
How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age?
Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less
space to see out of?
What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?
Who was in the kitchen with Dina?
Why do we have to pay a toll on freeways?
Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?

How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?
Why do they say an alarm going off, if it is really going on?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried
potatoes?
Do cows have calf muscles?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that
they forgot?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or
would you do the wedding yourself?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what
temperature does it qualify as hot?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you
have a low voice?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they
make the whole plane out of the same substance?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package
says, Open somewhere else?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?
Why is there only O E Monopolies Commission?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is the word abbreviate so long?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the
volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open
it's not adoor?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell M EMO IC?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a building when it is already built?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race
car not called a racist?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock go off when it begins ringing?
Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after
using?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
How can there be self help GROUPS?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can someone draw a blank?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are
alike?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when
you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a
hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they
send you?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
What should one call a male ladybird?
What would you use to dilute water?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become
disoriented?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he
doesn't usually wear any pants?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can
you just be whelmed?
Why are turds pinched off at the end?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all
have the same tune?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4
open?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving
light?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents
worth?
If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you
believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to
touch it to make sure?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still
wrong?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones
Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what
is baby oil made from?
How can you hear yourself think?
How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in
the garage?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if
they are rhetorical questions or not?
If when people freak out they are said to be having a cow, when cows freak out
are they said to be having a person?
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing
themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy
dinner?
Why do they call it getting your dog fixed if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally
can't go that fast on any road?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are so good that once you pop, you can't stop why do they come with a
resealable lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't
even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of out of whack in whack
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are
smaller than your finger nails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
What's the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually
dead your not in deaths house?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it
be called an inlet.
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say it's only a game when they're winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GY leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to
look up there anyway?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say You scared the living daylights out of me when daylight is not
living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special
features, or just the movie itself?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink what ever comes out?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial
flavoring?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which
no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries go out
of date next year?
Why is it called a drive through if you have to stop?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask
for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase
the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their practice ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little
red flag?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is Grape uts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop
to help them?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his
hair?
Why do they put for indoor or outdoor use only on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why is an alarm clock going off when it actually turns on?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see
when they just get knocked out??
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the
earth?
Can a guy named ick have a 'nick'name?
Do cows drink milk?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are
wrapped individually?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he
can fly?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what
do you call people who can't smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why do they call it head over heels in love If our head is always over our heels?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer
guidance?

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do they call it your bottom, when it's really in the middle of your body?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it a RU I G BACK when he is running forward?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all
originally came from the same place?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our
chests?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to
dissolve their own government?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
Why do we say bye bye but not hi hi?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
If one man says, it was an uphill battle, and another says, it went downhill from
there, how could they both be having troubles?
If you're caught between a rock and a hard place, is the rock not hard?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Do the different MM's® colors taste different?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the
plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A
Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Why do they call them Animal Crackers when there not even crackers...they're
cookies?
Why does closing up a shop and closing down a shop mean the same thing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you
stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see

through everything and actually see nothing?
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water
spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does
it spin at the equator?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd
get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and
concerts?
Do birds pee?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a
lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
Can dogs have dog days?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being
crap?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a time clock?
Aren't all clocks time clocks?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why do radio operators say niner instead of just nine?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Isn't it scary that the word therapist is the same as the words the and rapist
put together?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can
see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and
Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have
been raised in the same place?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's
another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?

If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a
crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look
at things on the ground?
Can't anybody who has a job go in the employees only doors at restaurants?
Shouldn’t they be more specific and say employees of this place only?
Why are you I a movie, but your O TV?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases
from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If the weather man says it's a 50% chance of rain does that mean he has no idea if
its going to rain or not?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the
other half on the other side, what day would you die?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why does lake come first (Lake Michigan) and river come second (Mississippi
River)?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating
dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every
two hours?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make
them slower when chasing someone?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional
colors?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the
water?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the
blue bird
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are
they for?

Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point magnetic north? Is there
still a north, south, east, and west in space?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
When you see the weather report and it says partly cloudy and then the next day
it says partly sunny; what’s the difference?
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say 30
minutes then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to
you??
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which
year would you say you were born in?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of
sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Can crop circles be square?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming
stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
Why do people say, you've been working like a dog when dogs just sit around all
day?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Can a blind man see his future?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
What did cured ham actually have?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as
a pet?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for
eternity?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas
Adam?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says adult is 12 and above, but
the adult age in reality is 18?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them
at the end of the bathrooms ?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they
replace it later?
Since there is a rule that states i before e except after c, wouldn't science
be spelled wrong?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on
paper?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?
Why do people say PI number when that truly means Personal Identification
umber umber?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated
Teller Machine Machine?
Why do you have to put your two cents in but it's only a penny for your
thoughts? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny?
When obviously we do?
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their
products?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the avy, would you eventually be
Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
Just what was the Baby On Board sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to
hit in case of an accident?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl
that is named after her mother?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Why is Donkey Kong called DO KEY Kong if he's a monkey?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment

you killed her?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read
about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get
to work?
Why do they call the small candy bars the fun sizes? Wouldn't be more fun to eat
a big one?
Why is number abbreviated as no? When there is no o in number?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs
30 lbs more?
When something's funny why is it called a knee-slapper when you actually slap
your thigh?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but
they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my
driver's license?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Did oah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Can bald men get lice??
Why do people say, You can't have your cake and eat it too? Why would someone
get cake if they can't eat it?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in
any thing else?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why are Pringles curved?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, I wish you would not grant
me this wish what would you do?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would
they get the money?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside
naked?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the
directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the
doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore OT
blocking the exit?
You know the expression, Don't quit your day job? Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
If something goes without saying, why do people still say it?
Why do companies offer you free gifts? Since when has a gift OT been free?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their
face or something?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because
of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go
back?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put
into the loony bin?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans,
and all beans are a vegetable?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and
then the seeds are on the outside?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing
to eat with?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Can mute people burp?
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you
use the restroom?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many'
in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come
out to Woman Hitler?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular
television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Why is it that if something says, do not eat on the packaging it becomes extra
tempting to eat?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always
colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a
handicapped toilet?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Who was the first person to say, See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the
first thing that comes out if its butt?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here and drink what comes out?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you
money back? (Granted you lived)
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
Are marbles made of marble?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Cute as a button Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons
cute?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the
people that got there first?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their
name to Knockers?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
When people say, I’m so tired it's not even funny or my head hurts so much it's

not even funny, why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why do bullies always ask what’s your problem when they're obviously not going
to solve it?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental
hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Can you still say Put it where the sun don't shine on a nude beach?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried
potatoes?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested
(because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone
you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste
chocolaty?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you
wishes?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the
criminal they are playing?
What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs
or two halves of a crumb?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
How do do not walk on grass signs get there?
Whats a question with no answer called?
Why do we say heads up when we actually duck?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that
color?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on
Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have
fun?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else
does?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright

info page in the beginning of many books?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the
gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell
the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?
Is it possible to be allergic to water?
What is the point in saying may I ask and then follow it up with a question?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English
breakfast?
Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root
beer floats?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness
worse than a general illness?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run
around the bases, does the home run count?
Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it
gels the scent virtually disappears?
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal
American kissing?
Can you zone out and be in the zone at the same time?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business
expense?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?
Why do people say The alarm just went off when really it just came on?
Do they put underwear on corpses?
Do bubbles freeze in winter?
What sound does a bunny make?
If you had only one hand, would second hand smoking effect you?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
Have you ever wondered why in the 1500's nude photos/painting were art, while
today it's pornography?
If you are old and are in a bathtub how would you know if you have been in there
too long?
If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart?
If you wear contact lens and you died with them in your eyes, do they take them
out?

R
RACIST HUMOR
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is
black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, This is for
all my people and jumps off the roof. ext, the mexican walks to the ledge and also
says, This is for all my people and then he jumps off the roof. ext is the black
guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, This is for all my people
and then throws the white guy off the roof.
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am
I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”
“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk
him down to $40 or just steal it!”
Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell,
Get down! they would all start dancing.
Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and
swimmers are in America.
S

SCOTTISH HUMOR
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. $85
for an extraction sir, was the dentist's reply.
Och, huv yer no got anythin' cheaper? replies the Scotsman.
But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir said the dentist.
What about if yer din't use any anesthetic? asked the Scotsman hopefully.
Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for
$70, said the dentist.
Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without
anesthetic, asked the Scotsman.
Well it's possible; but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of
professionalism and it may be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case, we can
bring the price down to say $40, said the dentist.
Och that's still a wee bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have
yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin, said the
Scotsman hopefully.
Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose. I'll charge you only $5
in that case, said the dentist.
Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal, said the Scotsman. . . . . . Can yer
confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship
with a ten pence coin in their teeth.
In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much
butter.
McTavish took his girlfriend out for the evening. They returned to her flat just
before midnight and as she kissed him goodnight she said: Be careful on your way
home. I'd hate anyone to rob you of all the money you've saved this evening.
There was understandable scepticism when it was suggested that apoleon
Bonaparte was the grandson of a Scot from Balloch. But now it has been pointed out

that there is further proof that apoleon was indeed Scots - his hand was always
under his lapel, to make sure no-one had lifted his wallet...
An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at
the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't
interested in antiques.
An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a
week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. Thank heaven I've
met someone, he cried. I've been lost for the last week. Is there a reward out
for you? asked the Scotsman. o, said the American. Then I'm afraid you're
still lost, was the reply.
Sign at a Scottish golf course: Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until
they have stopped rolling.
Jock McTavish. A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent
messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately
to say yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third
girl saying, The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates.
Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball
the longer it will last.
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and
just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the
girl looked at the boy and said, A penny for your thoughts, Angus.
Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss.
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he
blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl
spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.
The young man knit his brow. Well, now, he said, my thoughts are a bit more
serious this time.
Really? said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
Aye, said the lad. Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?

SEX HUMOR
Mrs Sampson, the 6th grade science teacher ask the class,Can you tell me which
organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?
obody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. Mary, can
you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when
stimulated?
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. How dare you ask such a question? she says.
I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will
have you fired!
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the
question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam? says Mrs. Sampson. Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the
human eye.
Very good, Sam. Thank you. Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, Mary,
I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have OT done your homework.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be
sadly disappointed.
He said Today congregation, I am going to say a single word and you are going
to help me preach. Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that
comes to your mind.
The Pastor yells out, Cross! Immediately the congregation started singing in
unison, The Old Rugged Cross. The Pastor hollered out, Grace! The
congregation began to sing Amazing Grace. The Pastor said, Power! The
congregation sang, There is Power in the Blood. Then the Pastor said, Sex!
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously
began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden,
way from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and
began to sing...Precious Memories
SMALL GROUP HUMOR

These are jokes shared by myself and others in a small group over the years.
Let me begin by explaining why I am qualified to teach this class.
I have had to overcome many adversities in life. I was very young
when I was born, and I was a very homely baby. In fact, I was so
homely that when my parents abandoned me in the hospital parking
lot they were arrested for litering. I grew up in a really tough
neighborhood. It is the only place I know of where the Gideon
Bibles were chained to the desk, and the meals on wheels came in
armored trucks. Kids were so violent that Parents in my school district
voted to have school buses run only one way. When we played cops
and robbers it was with real cops.
On top of this, we were very poor.We had cracks in our floor so wide
that in the winter we had to put snow tires on our vacumn cleaner.
Our whole town was poor. The fat lady in our circus only weighed 135 pounds.
On top of this I had very poor schooling.I was in the eighth grade
and still thought farm was spelled EIEIO.
I thought it was Custer's last stand was where they
got the idea for arrow shirts.
I thought the Indians got to America first because
they had reservations.
I made people happy as a kid. I remember one teacher
saying it was the happiest day of her life when I graduated
from her class.
Many felt I would never get through college,
but I showed them. I made it through in just two
terms-Truman's and Isenhour's
I may not have been smart but I saved my parents marriage.
They didn't get a divorce because neither of them wanted
to get custody of me.
This background made it hard for me with girls.
I could have written the history of my romance on a
piece of confetti.

I asked one girl, What would I have to give you for a kiss?
She said, Chloroform.
I was getting desperate and said to one girl,
I'll die for you. She responded, When?
I finally met Lavonne, she was different than any
other girl I had ever met. She liked me. And on top of
that she married me and has stayed with me for
61 years of marriage. He actually married me for my
mind. It has always been her conviction that its the
little things that count.
All My Jobs
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for
it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
ext I tried working in a muffler factory,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it,

I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually
I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
didn't have any patience.
ext was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but
I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because
it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a
job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

We had our fiftieth anniversary recently and we have been fighting a lot ever since.
I say I love you, and she says I love you more, and I come back I love you much
more, and she get into figures and says I love you a thousand times more and so I
come back with I love you a million times more. This goes on until I win because she
doen't know anything higher than septillion. So be warned, this is what you have to
look forward to.
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and
his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had
been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and
opened the floor for discussion. What seems to be the problem? Immediately, the
husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her,
picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat
her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the
husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to
the husband, Your wife EEDS that at least twice a week! The husband
scratched his head and replied, I can have her here every Tuesdays and
Thursdays.
We have been married 50 years and are still learning new ways to enjoy one
another. Lavonne has started to enjoy football with me after all these years. I can
tell that she hasn't really come to understand the game yet however. After the last
game she said it seems like a lot of fuss over 25 cents. I said what do you mean 25
cents. She said they are constantly saying get the quarter back, get the quarter back.
We have three children, 5 grandchildren and 10 greatgrand children. Early in our
marriage we childproofed our home, but they kept getting back in anyway.
PREACHER FOR 34 YEARS. My professor in Sem. said before I went out to
preach my first sermon that I needed to do three things in a sermon, and to keep it
simple he said sooth them, send them and satisfy them. When I came back I
reported that I had accomplished all of them. I soothed them because half of them
were sleeping the the first ten minutes. I sent them alright, for most of the others got
up and left in the next ten, and I know I satisfied them because they never asked me
back.
WHE our local doctor began attending church services the minister was delighted,
and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work - the minister
referring people to the doctor, and vice versa. One referral from the doctor called
at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The

minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was
insomnia.
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck
would have it a filling station was just a block away. She walked to the
station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her the
only petrol can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it
was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could
fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it up,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring it into her tank two men observed her from across the
street. One of them turned to the other and said, If it starts, I'm
turning Catholic.
O E Sunday morning one of our pastors was delivering his sermon, and his visiting
granddaughter, who was celebrating her fourth birthday, was in the congregation.
As the pastor reached a high point of his sermon, he shouted, Rejoice! You're free,
you're free! From the midst of the congregation, four little fingers were held up
and a small voice cried out, o, Grandpa, I'm four now!
We had a great time visiting my sister down in Arkansas this summer. She is kind of
a redneck type gal along with her husband Lem. She had us over for dinner one
night and fed us a chicken dinner like we never had before. Good old Southern fried
chicken, plus baked chicken, grilled chicken, chicken pot pies, chicken salad and
even the dessert tasted a little like chicken. After dinner we took our stuffed bodies
and we sat out on the old porch. As we sat there two chickens came out from under
the porch and after they went a little way into the yard they fell over. they struggled
to get up and then after going a little way they fell over again. I said to my sister
What is wrong with those chickens? She said I just don't know. The way they are
dying we just can't cook them fast enough.
My sister is really unique though. She is the only women I ever knew who could do
what men assume that only they can do. She can write her name in the snow. I am
really proud of Dot.
Dot likes to read but she hates redneck murder mysteries. They are so hard to solve
because there are never any dental records.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She sold the car for gas money!
SHE HAS CATEGORIZED MA Y ITEMS
GE DER ITEMS
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
SWISS ARMY K IFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KID EYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is
an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOO - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a
fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPO GES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's
handy to have around.

We have had most fun taking care of our great grandson who is almost two now.
But after a couple of hours we are begging for his parents to come and get him. It
gets so tiring. I have seen the lights of London, I have seen the lights of Rome, but
the prettiest lights I ever see are the taillights of my kids taking the grandkids home.
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TE SIO A D YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS O THE ASPIRI BOTTLE:
TAKE TWO ASPIRI A D KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDRE !!!!!
A minister friend of mine asked one of the youngsters in his primary department if
they ever prayed in their home.
Oh, yes, the child replied. Every night. When Mommy puts me down to sleep she
goes out of my room and when she has closed the door I hear her say,
Thank God she's in bed!
You folks have never met my father. Actually he's rather short. When people see us
together, they wonder how such a little man could produce such a tall son. Really,
it's quite simple. You see, when he was young he was a very good boy and his dad
was always patting him on the head. With me, it was just the opposite!
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop
laughing!
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can
get. -- Robert Orben
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds.
By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. -- Erma Bombeck
This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far
to separate them. -- Gracie Allen
One Sunday morning when my son was about 5, we were attending church in our
community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the
church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an
item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He
asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the
smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, It means Daddy's cooking
dinner.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each
side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then
relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks
and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (Our blog manager is at
this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
STUPID JOKES
Why did you name your fifth child Ming Toy? Because I read in a book that every fifth child born is
Chinese.
The husband gave his wife a poll and told her to walk down the beach and fish there. A half hour
later she came back to him and said I need a different cork, this one keeps
sinking.
He bought fifty pounds of bird seed and tried to raise canaries. But none of them came up. The he
bought ten green parakeets thinking they were canaries that had not yet ripened.
He was such a slow reader, he carried book marks in his car for reading bumper stickers.
He thought oah's wife was Joan of Ark. He thought the Epistles were the wives of the apostles. He
thought the tower of Babel was where Solomon kept his thousand wives.
She thought a diplomat was what a diplo steps on when it gets out of the shower.
I said to him I once knew a guy with one eye named Wilbur. He said what was the name of the other
eye.
He thought bacteria was the rear entrance to the cafeteria.
He thought pillage was how doctors made a living.
He thought they were called the dark ages because of all the knights.
He read that most accidents happen within 25 miles of where you live, so he packed up and moved 50
miles away.
He kept bandaids in the freezer for cold cuts.
He said the facts prove than nobody who has eaten only vegetables for 80 years has ever died young.

He heard it was the thought that counts and so he took two days off at Christmas and just thought of
everyone he knew.
He said I told that bully what I thought of him. But you said nothing. That is just what I thought of
him.
She shot her husband and pleaded for mercy because she was a widow.
STUPID QUESTIO S HUMOR
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?
A Short Long Time
During class, the skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of
the stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long
do we have until we hit the ground?
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered - The rest of
your life.
STUPID QUESTIO S
Before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul
truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, Hey, you moving? ope.
We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.
Here’s your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into
the dock, I lifted up this big ’ol stringer of bass and someone on the dock goes,
Hey, y’all catch all them fish? ope - Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your
sign.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas
stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and said, Tire go
flat? I couldn’t resist. I said, ope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I

misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no
matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take
the report. He went through his basic questioning. o problem. I thought for sure
he was clear of needing a sign... until he says So.. Is your truck stuck? I couldn’t
help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, o
I’m delivering a bridge ...Here’s your sign!
SURPRISE HUMOR
Winner of the ‘3 Groans’ Award
Dave is in bed with his wife when there is a loud knock on the door. He rolls over,
sees the time is 3 o’clock, and thinks to himself, “I’m not getting out of bed at this
hour.”
An even louder knock followed! “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he takes his wife’s advice and goes down and opens the door. The man standing
there was obviously drunk. “Hi there,” said the stranger, “can you give me a push?”
“Get lost! It’s 3am! I was in bed!” Dave said as he slammed the door shut.
He goes back and tells his wife what had happened. “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of
you. Remember the night we broke down in the pouring rain, on the way to pick up
the kids from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us
started again? What would have happened if he had told us to get lost?”
“But this guy was drunk,” said Dave.
“It doesn’t matter says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to do to help him.”
So Dave wearily gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and not easily being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, “Hey, do
you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out from some distance away, “Yes please.”
Being unable to see the stranger, Dave shouts out, “Where are you?”
The stranger replies, “I’m over here on your swing!”

T
TEACHER HUMOR
The Boots
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one
ofher kindergarten students put on his boots? He
asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling
and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up
asweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, Teacher, they're on the wrong feet. She looked
and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on --
this time on the right feet. He then announced, These
aren't my boots.
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his
face and scream,Why didn't you say so? like she wanted
to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them.
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said,
ow, where are your mittens? He said, I stuffed them
in the toes of my boots...

Her trial starts next month
TEXAS HUMOR
John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a
special phone near the Broncos' bench.
Madden asked Coach Shanahan what the special phone was for, and was told it was a
hotline to God.
Astonished, Madden quickly asked the coach if he could use it, and Shanahan said: Sure,
but it will cost you $100.
Madden scratched his head, then said: What the heck, I need help picking some games,
so why not give it a try? He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.
Madden's record of picking winners was perfect that week.
Next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near
the Green Bay bench. He asked the coach what the phone was for.
Green Bay's coach said: It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you
$100.
Without hesitation, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100.
Once again, Madden's record of picking winners that week was perfect.
The next weekend, Madden was in Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near
the Cowboy's bench. He asked the coach if it was a hotline to God.
The Cowboy's coach said, It sure is. If you want to use it, it'll cost you 35 cents.
Madden blinked with surprise and said, Wait a minute! I had to pay $100 in Denver and
Green Bay to make the same call! Why does Dallas only charge 35 cents?
The coach grinned at Madden and replied matter-of-factly, In Texas, it's a local call.
YOU MIGHT BE IN A TEXAS COUNTRY CHURCH IF...
The doors are never locked
The Call to Worship is Y'all come on in!
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark
Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday
When it rains, everybody's smiling
The church directory doesn't have last names
Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday
The only reason people ever lock their cars in the parking lot is so their neighbors can't
leave them another bag of squash
You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you've had a
dozen calls inquiring about your health

U
HUMOR OF U FAVORABLE EVE TS
(Response to an insurance company) I am writing in response to your request for
additional information regarding my claim. In block #3 of the accident form, I put
trying to do the job alone as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that
I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient. I
am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the
roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had
about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached
to the side of the building at the 6th floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went
up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back
to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the
500 pounds of brick. You will note in block #11 of the accident report that I weight
135 pounds. But to by surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. eedless to say, I proceeded at a
rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull, and broken collar bone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of
my right hand were 2 knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had
regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of
my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in
block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs, and lower body area.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain . . . unable to
stand . . . and watching the empty barrel six stories above me . . . I again lost my
presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the
rope, so it came back down on me, and broke both my legs. I hope I have furnished
the information you have required.

V
VET HUMOR
Expensive Vet
A man noticed his dog didn't seem to feel well, so he took him to the vet.
As the vet was examining the dog, the dog stopped breathing. I'm sorry, sir; your
dog is dead, the vet said gently.
It can't be! the man exclaimed. I want a second opinion.
The vet left and returned with a Labrador retriever, who circled the man's dog and
sniffed him. The dog didn't move.
ext the vet came in with a cat, which walked all over the man's dog and licked his
ears. The dog still didn't move.
I'm sorry, sir, the vet repeated. If your dog was alive, he would have responded
to all that stimulus. The man finally accepted that his beloved companion was
gone.
As he was leaving, the receptionist handed him a bill.
What?! the man said in outrage. You're charging me $450 just to tell me my dog
is dead?
Oh, no, the receptionist said. The vet's fee is only $50, but it was $200 for the lab
report and another $200 for the cat scan.
W

WOMA HUMOR
Reasons It's Good to be a Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
rear end.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture
them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we
will look like an idiot.
We will never regret piercing our ears.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their
presence because they aren't listening anyway.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
Lord, I have a problem.
What's the problem, Eve?

Lord, you've created me and provided this beautiful spot, these wonderful animals,
and that comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.
Why is that, Eve? came the voice from above.
Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.
Well, perhaps I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.
What's a man, Lord?
Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an
inability to empathize. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster, and stronger than you. And while he'll need your advice to think properly,
he'll be good at fighting, kicking a ball around, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and
not altogether bad in the sack.
Sounds good to me, says Eve. But isn't there a catch, Lord?
Yeah, well, there is one.
What's that, Lord?
You'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Thanks for the Memory
ESTELLE GETTY
“Do men get sick differently than women?
Of course. Women get sick. Men loose their minds. At least that’s how they make
it seem. If there is a thankless, endless, hopeless task on this earth, its having to
cater to a male person who is sick. I have a husband, two sons, I have worked with
hundreds of male actors, and I can’t recall a single male who has ever gotten sick
with the slightest shred of human dignity. If they don’t feel better immediately, they
regress to the maturity level to a 13 month old child. They scream and cry and kick
and make out their wills and mainline yquil. They are a large pain in the rear.
ow, if I should get sick that’s another matter. “Its just the flu,” they say. “You’ll
be fine in the morning-and while you’re up, could you make me a cheese sandwich.”
“ ow that I’m rolling, why do men refuse to throw things out? Unless of course
those things belong to you, because then they must be frivolous bordering on trash.
Men will cling to old shoes they never wear, old books they will never get to reading,
old pants that now don’t fit over their ankles let alone their waists. I know men who
have statements from banks that have long been replaces by Dairy Queens.”
THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(That means Men vs Women To Us Folks In Texas)
Author Unknown
SHE SAID: Where Men Are Better Than Dogs:
Men only have 2 feet that track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.
Men are a little more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
WELL, HE DID 'T REALLY GET THE POI T, SO HE SAID:
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women:
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't mind if you use their shampoo.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
The later you are the more excited a dog is to see you.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs love to eat red meat.
Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.
Dogs parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained to your house.
Dogs can't talk.
WELL, THAT TOUCHED OFF THE WAR, A D SHE SAID:
How Dogs Are Better Than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they don't laugh at the way you
throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
OW, WARMED UP, SHE GOT I THE LAST WORD, OF COURSE...
How Dogs And Men Are The Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
either of them notices when you get your hair cut.
either knows how to talk on the phone.
either understands what you see in cats.
FEMALE A ALYSIS
Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO
Discovered by: ADAM
Atomic Weight:
Average expected as 118, but there are known
isotopes ranging from 90 to 260, with highly

radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid
at all costs).
Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
(except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)
Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au),silver(Ag),platinum(Pt),
and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with
saturation in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought
process that the specimen follows.
a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.
Physical Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting
irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
fingernail.
b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick
applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they
are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they
may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what
you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
close to (at times causing overheating).
Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what
ever reason.

a) Use with CAUTIO . Positive and egative results have been
obtained for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to
perform trivial tasks.
Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.
Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite
of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of
more than one of the male gender, and lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
6. Affinity for rolling pins.
7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can
expand on the idea weaker sex.
ote:
1. Most specimens are worth keeping, even after adverse reactions
have occured!
The Three Wise Women
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOME instead
of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped
deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable
diapers as gifts!
WORD HUMOR
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely

different meaning to parents in a family...
AM ESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex
again.
BOTTLE FEEDI G: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFE SE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the
children play outside.
DROOLI G: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLA I G: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL AME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRA DPARE TS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREG ABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
I DEPE DE T: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRE ATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last
baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TA TRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
THU DERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one
bed.
TOP BU K: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MI UTE WAR I G: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODU IT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things
that are good for you
Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was
your money to start with.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find
yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.
aggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the

map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to
work again.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.
flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.
Arcade - A lemonade type drink served on oah's Ark.
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.
Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does.
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
germinate — sneeze or cough on somebody
hindsight — watching ones weight
optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
secret — ews you tell to one person at a time.
shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.
Adolescence: The period when a teenager feels he will never be as dumb as his
parents
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants

Belong: To take your time
Coffee: Break fluid
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
Intense: Where campers sleep
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots
Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain
of five pounds.
Disgust: the realization that you now actually look
like your driver's license photo.
Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.
Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.
Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.
Gruesome: A little taller than before.
BOY - A noise with dirt on it.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.
Porcupine: A craving for bacon.
FU Y DEFI ITIO S
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter
each night.
Doctor n. A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.

Smile n. A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Acre n. Someone that aches
Blonde jokes
(blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.
Cantaloupe
(kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Bide, v. Past tense of buy.
Urine, vp. Where you are when you aren't out.
Tumor, n. One more than one more.
Outpatient, n. A person who has fainted.
Relief: v. What trees do in the spring.
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Hillbilly and Layman Medical Terms
Artery ....................The study of paintings
Benign....................What you be after you be eight
Bacteria..................Back door to cafeteria
Barium....................What doctors do when patients die
Botulism..................Tendency to make mistakes
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome
Cardiology ............ Advance study of poker playing
Cauterize................ Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................A sheep dog

Dilate......................To live long
Enema..................... ot a friend
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else
Fibrillate ................ To tell lies
Fibula......................A small lie
Hemorrhoid ............A male from outer space
ICU ....................... Peek-a-boo
Impotent................. Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff......... A Doctor's cane
Morbid...................A higher offer than I bid
itrates.................. Cheaper than day rates
ode......................I knew it
Outpatient............. A person who has fainted
Pap Smear.............A fatherhood test
Paralyze.................Two far-fetched stories
Pathological........... A reasonable way to go
Pharmacist............. Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Protein................... In favor of young people
Recovery Room..... Place to do upholstery
Red Blood Count... Dracula
Rectum.................. Darn near killed him
Saline.................... Where you go on your friend's boat
Seizure...................Roman emperor
Terminal Illness..... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor................... More than one, an extra pair
Urine.....................Opposite of mine
Varicose................ ear by/close by
Vein.......................Conceited
Definitions By Gender
THI GY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VUL ERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMU ICATIO (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
bigger.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also
good for mooning.
COMMITME T (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: ot trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
E TERTAI ME T (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULE CE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKI G LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CO TROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
X

XMAS HUMOR
Q: Is There A Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January 1990), I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) o known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer--which only
Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total--378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which would seem logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding, etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second--a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
reindeer can pull no more that 300 pounds. Even granting that flying
reindeer (see point #1) could pull TE TIMES the normal amount, we
cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,000 reindeer.
This increases the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--
to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth. (The ship--not the monarch...)
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance--this will heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUI TILLIO joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vapor”- within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal f”- s
17,500.06 times greater t”- gravity. A 250-pound Santa ”- ch seems
ludicrously slim) ”- d be pinned to the back of h”- leigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.
And I'll bet you guys thought being Santa Claus was a piece of cake.
Y
YOUTH A D OLD AGE CO TRAST
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended a big city church. He came
home and his wife asked him how it was.
Well, said the farmer, It was good. They did something different, however. They
sang praise choruses instead of hymns.

Praise choruses? said his wife. What are those?
They're sort of like hymns, only different, said the farmer.
What's the difference? asked the wife.
The farmer said, Well, if I said, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' that would be a
hymn. But if I said, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black
and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in
the corn, are in the corn,' that would be a praise chorus.
ow, the rebuttal, so to speak:
A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend attended a
smalltown church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
Well, said the young man, It was good. They did something different, however.
They sang hymns instead of regular songs.
Hymns, said his wife, What are those?
Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different, said the young
man.
Well, what's the difference? asked his wife.
The young man said, Well it's like this: If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows
are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to
say to you:
Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my
mouth. Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable,
glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of
sense, Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn
they are fenced.
Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight, Have broke free their shackles,
their warm pens eschewed. Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all
my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by, Where all foul corruptions of earth are
reborn. Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry And I no longer see those foul
cows in the corn.
Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the
last verse, well that would be a hymn.
Z

ZIPPER HUMOR
Simon was a meek little man married to a strong-minded woman, although all his
friends at work kept telling him to assert himself.
One night, his wife told him, Simon, tomorrow we're going into town to buy you a
new pair of trousers.
They went to the shop the following day and she picked out the trousers for him.
ow these come in different styles, the clerk said, Do you want a button fly or a
zipper fly?
Zipper, Simon quickly replied.
Very good, sir, said the clerk, and would you like a five-inch zip or a ten-inch?
Ten-inch, said Simon, before his wife could intervene.
When they got outside, his wife was livid. You! she hollered. You and your ten-
inch zip! Gracious, you remind me of the man who lives next door to my aunt. Every
morning he goes out to his garage, unlocks it, opens the eight-foot double doors,
then he wheels his bike out!

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