Humor from a to z

HUMOR FROM A TO Z
EDITED BY GLE PEASE
A
ACCIDE T HUMOR
ACCIDE T I VESTIGATIO REPORT
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block
number three of the accident reporting form, I put quote - poor planning - unquote
as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully,
and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the
roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had
about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached
to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and
loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note
in block number eleven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise to being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of
mind and forgot to let go of the rope. eedless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid
rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the
fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of
my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and
the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel no
weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the
two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell

onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain, unable to
stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me - I again lost my presence
of mind - I LET GO OF THE ROPE.
AMISH HUMOR
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble
The Door Magazine
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 6 AM.
9. In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full KISS makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he says, "I hate thee!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "JebDaddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If we had electricity, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come across his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Police catch him doing 20 mph in a buggy with flames painted on the side.
And the #1 sign to worry that your Amish teenager is in trouble:
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
A PERSO AL SKIT I PERFORMED SEVERAL
TIMES ABOUT MY LIFE.
The neighborhood I grew up in
was so rough, it is
the only place I know of where
the Gideon Bibles
were chained to the desk.
The meals on wheels in my
neighborhood came in
armored trucks.

Kids were so violent, the
parents in my school district
almost voted to have the
school buses run only one
way.
When we played cops and
robbers it was with real
cops.
On top of this, we were very poor.
We had cracks in our floor so wide that in the winter
we had to put snow tires on our vacumn cleaner.
Our whole town was poor. The fat lady in our circus
only weighed 135 pounds.
We called our dog pound our dog ounce.
Our apartment was so small the only thing we could
do enlarge it was to scape off the wall paper.
On top of this I had very poor schooling.
I was in the eighth grade and still thought farm was
spelled EIEIO.
I thought it was Custer's last stand was where they
got the idea for arrow shirts.
I thought the Indians got to America first because
they had reservations.
I remember a key question I missed on history.
Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and on one of them he died. Which one? I was
weak in history, so I missed it.
The teacher said to me define a vacumn. I said,
"I can't think of it now, but I know it's in my head."
So much of our training did not make sense to me.
Little girls are trained to like dolls, and little boys to

like soldiers. Then they grow up and the girls like
the soldiers and the boys like the dolls.
I made people happy as a kid. I remember one teacher
saying it was the happiest day of her life when I graduated
from her class.
I had a teacher so crossed eyed she could not control her pupils.
She was so cross eyed that when she cried tears ran down her back.
They called it bacteria.
I was eager to learn, and so when the teacher said the best way
to stop a girl in histerics is to kiss her, I raised my hand immediately
and asked how do you get a girl to be histerical.
Many felt I would never get through college,
but I showed them. I made it through in just two
terms-Truman's and Isenhour's
When I wrote my first essay I took it to the teacher
and asked what she thought of it. She said, "For people
who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing they
will like."
I may not have been smart but I saved my parents marriage.
They didn't get a divorce because neither of them wanted
to get custody of me.
I am always trying to come up with new ideas. Last week I
wrote to a pole company suggesting they make ll foot poles
for people who won't touch things with a 10 foot pole.
This background made it hard for me with girls.
I could have written the history of my romance on a
piece of confetti.
The first girl I dated said, "I'll marry you if you tell
me everything." Of course, I didn't know
everything, so that ended that relationship.
I once dated a girl who was a perfect model-for a ship
builder.
The next one I dated was so skinny the head waiter
asked me to check my umbrella. She was so thin she

had to pass a place twice to cast a shadow.
I tried to impress one girl by being a comic. She said
my first performance was over exporsure. She could
have been right, I got a silent ovation.
I asked another date if she could like a guy like me.
She said, "Sure-as long as he wasn't too much like
you.
I dated a girl called appendix. If you took her out
once that was enough.
I finally met Lavonne, she was different than any
other girl I had ever met. She liked me.
The first girl I proposed to was mean. I gave her this
gorgous diamond and said, "This is the symbol of the
love I have for you, it has no ending." She said, "It is also
a symbol of the love I have for you, it has no beginning."
I asked one girl, "What would I have to give you for a kiss?"
She said, "Chloroform."
I was getting desperate and said to one girl,
"I'll die for you." She responded, "When?"
We were standing by the fence on the farm watching
two cows rubbing noses, and I said, "I would like to do
that." She said, "Go ahead, its your cow."
Will you marry me? I asked a girl. She said no, but I will
always admire your taste.
One girl said there was something I liked about you at first
but now that you've spent it.
I decided to travel and work at different jobs.
I tried riding brama bulls, but that was such an on
and off thing.
I even tried kidnapping for a while, but had to give it
up, nobody could read my ransom notes.
I was a big gun at one place until they fired me.

I tried selling brushes so I could live a fuller life.
I told the boss in a precision factory that if I took the job
I would expect an extra 100 a week. He said are you that
good? o, I said, it is just so much harder when you don't
know what you are doing.
I tried sword swallowing in the circus for awhile, but
could only get pins down. They would not buy my
idea of telling people I was a sword swallower on a
diet.
I was getting so desperate at one point for something
to do that I began to read the obituaries every
morning. I know a lot of people do that, but I would
then go to the phone book and cut their names out.
I was just laying around the house every day in my
golf socks. I called them that because they each had
nine holes in them.
I was an upstanding citizen, why couldn't I get a job?
The reason I was upstanding was because they
repossessed my furniture.
I was becoming so pessimistic that I expected to find
bones in my animal crackers. othing seemed to go
right. I went out to eat and the chicken I got must
have died of starvation. I could have gotten more
protein by biting my lip.
I thought things would turn around when I got the
idea of showing disaster movies backwards. Jaws
would be about a shark that keeps vomiting people up
until the beach is full. The Poisidon Adventure would
be about a sunken ship that uprights inself just in
time for the ew Years Eve party.
The job interviewer kept saying to me, "Yes we have
an opening for you, don't slam it on your way out.
He had two extra phones installed so he could hang
up on more people.
I was never afraid of hard work. I fought it successfully
for years.

I started work for a tea company, but didn't last long when
I asked for a coffee break.
I finally took an aptitude test and found out I was best
suited to retirement.
I was a night watchman and swallowed my watch. I had
to go to the hospital to get it pumped out. It was all so
time consuming.
Only once did I take a pleasure trip. That was when I took
my mother in law back to the airport.
I once worked for the police force telling people bad news. I
had to tell this one guy his wife fell into the well. He
said its okey, we don't drink from that well anymore.
B
BAD LUCK HUMOR
BAD LUCK
HE BE T OVER TO PICK UP A FOUR LEAF CLOVER A D GOT STU G BY
A BEE.
I Pitcher for little league, and the first game I walked the first five batters. The
manager pulled me out, just when I had a no hitter going.
All his junk mail comes postage due.
Aspirin gives him a headache.
He had the twenty four hour virus for two weeks.
Health food makes him sick.

His artifical flowers wilted.
They lost his safe deposit box at the bank.
His swimming pool burned up.
His sun dial looses time.
His watch dog was stolen.
He found a pair of shoes but both were left feet.
He can't sleep, and even when he does he dreams that
he lisn't.
His life was so dull he was looking forward to his
dental appointment.
He is getting bald. His mother told him, when he
grew up he would come out on top.
I went to a guy who said he could guarantee his
method would reduce my bills. He put them on mic-
rofilm.
I stopped on the bus in a small town. I opened the
window and asked a kid there if he would go and
get me a sandwich. I gave him money to get him
self one too. He got back just as we were pulling out.
He gave me some change and said sorry they just had
one sandwich left, and he kept it.
The elevator in my apt. building was so slow they put
in movies. My landlord said he would send up heat
religiously. He did, once a week.
BIBLE HUMOR
Favorite Songs of Biblical Characters
oah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses:"The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All ight"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah:"Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah:"Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
ebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
C
HUMOR OF CHILDRE A D PARE TS
ILLUS: A school principal received a phone call. The voice said, "Thomas Bradley
won’t be in school today." The principal was a bit suspicious of the voice. He asked,
"Who is speaking?" The voice came back, "My father." --James S. Hewett,
Illustrations Unlimited
ILLUS: In Hank Ketcham’s comic strip "Dennis the Menace," Dennis is looking
through a catalog saying, "This catalog’s got a lot of toys I didn’t even know I
wanted." -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows,
When my daughter-in-law was pregnant, my son went with her to doctor
appointments. The day the doctor checked the baby's heartbeat for the first time,

he handed the stethoscope to my son to listen. The doctor said, "Sounds like a
washing machine, doesn't it?" My son agreed.
On the way home my son was very quiet. Then came these words: "If it's a boy,
we can name him Kenmore. If it's a girl, we could call her Maytag."
After our priest performed a baptism at Sunday Mass, one proud family spent a lot
of time taking photographs. A month later the priest was again performing
baptisms when he noticed the same family at the font. "Didn't I baptize your child a
few weeks ago?" he asked the parents.
"Yes, the mother responded, "but the pictures didn't turn out."
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet
and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood
upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour
it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
" ow, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have
Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To
make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
CHILDRE
1. My best friend from high school asked my four-year-old son, yle, to be the
ring bearer in her wedding. As he was warming up to the idea, yle asked
me, "Mommy, when I walk down the aisle, can I growl at everybody?" "Why would
you want to do that, honey?" I asked. "Well, Mommy," he said, "you told me
I'd get to be the ring bear!"
2. On my son's fifth birthday, KC looked at his hand. Counting on his fingers,
he said, "Mom, first I was one, then I was two, then three, yesterday I was
four. ow I'm a whole handful." And he has been ever since!
3. Recently I realized I'd never shown my four-and-a-half-year-old son, Cameron,
my baby pictures. After seeing them one day, he said, "If these are your
baby pictures, where are the dinosaurs?"
4. During a recent visit with my parents, my two-year-old daughter, Kylee, sat
at the kitchen table eating her lunch. My mom joined her, closed her eyes,
and bowed her head to say a silent prayer for her food. Kylee watched
inquisitively. As my mom raised her head and opened her eyes, Kylee asked,
" ana, did you have a nice nap?"

5. My second grader, Rachel, recently discovered that then one of her friends
lost a tooth, the friend received ten dollars from the tooth fairy. When
Rachel realized the tooth fairy only gave her <I>two</I> dollars, she asked
her friend's mother, "Mrs. Kraft, would you mind doing me a big favor? Would
you please call my mom and tell her which tooth fairy you use?"
6. My son, Matthew, was seven when the school sent home his standardized test
scores. When I saw that he had scored a 99 percent in math, I praised him
and said, "You must have inherited Daddy's math genes." The look on my
husband's
face was priceless when Matthew ran up to him and said, "Daddy, look what
I got on my math test. I guess I do have your math pants!"
7. One day my three-year-old daughter, Olivia, helped me with my grocery
shopping.
As we were standing in line waiting to check out, she looked around at all
the carts and noticed what other people were purchasing. She then noticed
the woman behind us had her weeks-old baby in the back of her cart. Olivia
tapped me on the arm, pointed to this woman's cart and asked in hopeful
anticipation, "Mommy, can we buy one of those?"
8. During the children's sermon at our church one morning, the kids sat on
thesteps in front of the
sanctuary as our pastor explained the Bible verse,"I will make you fishers of men"
(Matt. 4:1 9).
As he held up his fishingpole, he asked, "If I were going to fish for men, what kind
of bait do
youthink I should use?" Wi thout hesitation, one little boy replied, "Donuts!"
9. My dad likes to amuse my two-year-old dau ghter, Kristin, by "magically"
pullingquarters out
of her ears. On a recent trip to the store, Kristin spotteda gumball machin e and
immediately
began asking for money. I explained toher that the machine needed a quarter and I
didn't have
one. Wasting no time,she replied, "Well, look in my ears. Papa always finds money
there.
10. On our way to Grandma's house one Thanksgiving morning, my husband asked
our four-year-old daughter, Marissa, what she was thankful for. After thinking
a second, she replied, "I'm thankful for all my aunts and uncles." Seizing
the opportunity for a last-minute review, my husband said, "You sure have
a lot of them, don't you? Can you name them all?" In a condescending tone,
she replied, "Dad, they already have names."
David Bissonnette Subject: Funny

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly
trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on
Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did
you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God
did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's
right hand!"
A father said to his son when Lincoln was your age he studied hard every night.
The son responded and when he was your age he was president.
Children's otes to God
A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children
handed in:
Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have?
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they
had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on
vacation?
Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in
the house?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?
Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if
You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it
up.
Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much
hair all over.
Dear God: You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
Summer is the dreaded season
When youngsters for no earthly reason
Will slam until they almost splinter
The doors they didn’t shut all winter. Stephen Schlitzer
CHILDRE ’S MISU DERSTA DI G
One little guy told his teacher gorillas are always fighting, for you hear all the time
about gorilla warfare.
A little girl said the earth holds onto everything with its grabity.
One little girl thought Lincoln was shot because he was sitting in John Wilker’s
Booth.
As we were riding down the road one day, my 5-year-old said, "Mom, stop!
Stop!" I asked her why. She said, "You passed that sign." I was
wondering what she was talking about, so I asked her what the sign said.
She replied, "It said, Do ot Pass!"
*Just Shine It*
My niece, Sara, called my parents in Alabama, who had no electricity
because of a winter storm. The weather hadn't been bad at Sara's house,
in Mississippi. The first thing she always asks my mom is, "Whatcha

doin' Grandma?" Mama said, "Sitting here in the dark. What are you
doing?" Sara answered, "Watching TV. Why aren't you watching TV?" My mom
replied, "Because our lights are out." With logic only a 4-year-old has,
Sara asked, "Do you have a flashlight? Just shine it on the TV; then you
can see it." I think my dad literally rolled on the floor laughing when
my mom told him what Sara said. He told everyone he saw for the next six
months.
/--Mary E. Park, Vinemont, Ala./
*Childproof Cap*
When my daughter, Brittany, was 4 or 5, she was having some "growing
pains" in her legs and needed to take some Tylenol?. She had the bottle
and was trying in vain to get it open while I changed her baby sister's
diaper. I saw her frustration and explained that it was a childproof cap
and I would have to open it when I finished. Eyes wide with wonder,
Brittany asked, "How does it know it's me?"
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TE SIO A D YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS O THE ASPIRI BOTTLE:
" TAKE TWO ASPIRI " A D "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDRE "!!!!!
Solid Advice on Marriage from Kids
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her
parents." -Eric, Age 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He
says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get
divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but
she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out. -Anita, Age 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the
next one." -Kelly, Age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find
somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, Age 8
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she
should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -
Alan, age 10

" o person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can
spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, Age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -Bert, Age 5
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." -
Camille, age 10
" o age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." -Freddie, age
6
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but
their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out
about their values." -Lottie, Age 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what
kind." -Jeremy, Age 8
What Do Most People do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date." -Martin, Age 10
"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig,
Age 9
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8.
When is it OK to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and
her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10
" ever kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just
for a few hours." -Kally, Age 9

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I
stopped doing it." -Jean, Age 10
"When they're rich." -Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -Curt,
age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them. It's the right thing to do." -Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is it Better to be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -Kirsten, Age 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them." -Anita, Age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that
kind of trouble." -Will, Age 7
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. If
I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee
and diaper-changing." -Kirsten, age 10
Concerning why Love Happens Between Two Particular People:
" o one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you
smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -Jan, Age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it
isn't supposed to be so painful." -Harlen, Age 8
How Can a Stranger Tell If Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids." -Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids." -Lori, age 8
What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers to make

sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -Craig, age 9
On What Falling in Love is Like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -Roger, Age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes
too long." -Leo, Age 7
On the Role of Good Looks in Love:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't
hurt to be beautiful." -Jeanne, Age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -Gary, Age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -Christine, Age 9
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for
them." -Dave, Age 8
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' is on
television." -Anita, Age 6
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide
from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -Bobby, Age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -
Regina, Age 10
The Personal Qualities ecessary to be a Good Lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of
love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -Ava, Age 8
Some Surefire ways to Make a Person Fall in Love with You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -Del, Age 6
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but
attention ain't the same thing as love." -Alonzo, Age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.
French fries usually work for me." -Bart, Age 9
How can You Tell if Two Adults Eating Dinner at a Restaurant are in Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -
John, Age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people
care more about the food." -Brad, Age 8
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those
because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." -Christine, Age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least
once a day." -Michelle, Age 9
How a Person Learns to Kiss:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -Doug,
Age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." -Carin, Age 9
How to Make Love Endure:
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." -Ricky, age 10
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -Tom, Age 7
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the
trash." -Randy, Age 8
How Would the World be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" -Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same
as they do now." -Roberta, age 7 Wilkinson Family Home Site
The Bible According to Kids
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he
took the Sabbath off.
oah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is
bread without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manger.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one
to you.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Wilkinson Family Home Site
Steve Allen, the late great comedian, used to tell a story about a little girl who just
came home from Sunday School and asked her father when her recently born baby
brother would be able to talk.
"He won't be able to talk until he's about two years old," the father said.
"It was much better when they were writing the Bible," the young girl said.
"What makes you think that?," asked her father.
"They told us in Sunday School," replied the young child. "In the Book of Job, it
says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"
And finally, a colleague of mine named Ruth, told me about the time she was
painting the trim in her den. Her two young sons were boisterously playing at the
bottom of the ladder. Ruth was precariously perched at the top. When she came
down to calm the boys, the ladder shook and the bucket of blue paint spattered the
new white carpet.
Ruth was too distraught for words but her three-year-old son wasn't. He asked,
"Mom, shouldn't we say Damn?"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our
vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until
we were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed
us in. oticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. ow the
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Children's Logic: The teacher says
"Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down
the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the
lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure,"
said the young boy confidently. It means
carrying a child."
A grandfather was delivering his
grandchildren to their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was
a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing
the dog's duties. "They use him to keep
crowds back," said one child. " o," said another.
"He's just for good luck." A third child brought the
argument to a close."They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
My Grandparents are funny, when they
bend over; you hear gas leaks,
and they blame their dog.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
eedless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for
tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
THEOLOGY ... KID STYLE!
1. Dear God ... Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There
is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God ... Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a
puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God ... I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart.
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God ... I read the bible. What does beget mean? obody will tell me. Love,
Alison
6. Dear God .. Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in
the house? Anita
7. Dear God ... I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. ancy
10. Dear God . Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who
does? athan
14. Dear God ... Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter
15. Dear God ... Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
He was just a little boy,
On a week’s first day.
Wandering home from Bible school,
And dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes through the grass;
He found a caterpillar.

He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
And blew out all the ‘filler.’
A bird’s nest in a tree o’er head,
So wisely placed up high.
Was just another wonder,
That caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig zag course,
And hailed him from the lawn;
Asking where he’d been that day
And what was going on.
‘I’ve been to Bible School ,’ He said,
And turned a piece of sod.
Picking up a wiggly worm replied,
‘I’ve learned a lot about God.’
‘M’m very fine way,’ the neighbor said,
‘for a boy to spend his time.’
‘If you’ll tell me where God is,
I’ll give you a brand new dime.’
Quick as a flash the answer came!
or were his accents faint.
‘I’ll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain’t.’
~ Author Unknown
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly
prayers together. As do most children they blessed every family member, every
friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And
all girls."
As including this at the end soon became part of her nightly routine, my curiosity
got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all
girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me
how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for

a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
When I called home one day, my six year old son answered the phone. "Hello," he
said, panting a little. I said, "Hi, ick. Wow, you sound out of breath." He replied,
" o, I have more."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and
was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car
accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those
who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars
block the entrance to McDonald's."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For
several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each
word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before
Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers
when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A EW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A EW I TE DO...
I PRAY FOR A EW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, " o, but Grandma is!"

Father to small boy: "One thing in your favor-with these grades, you couldn't
possibly be cheating."
A little girl returned from her first day in school and said proudly, "Mother, I was
the brightest one in my class!" "That's fine, Janie," her mother said, "But tell me
how it happened." "Well," Janie replied, "The teacher told each one of us to draw
a picture on the blackboard, and then the others were to guess what the picture was.
Mine was the only one no one could guess-but I knew exactly what it was all the
time!"
My son Billy burst in the door and announced that he had won a prize in his first-
grade class. After telling him how proud I was of him, I asked what he had
achieved. He said, "I won for having the oldest mom in the whole class!"
While I was talking to a parent of one of my third grade students, another teacher
walked by. The mother, remarking how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son
had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she paused and
added, "Good thing he has you."
A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before dinner. The family
members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for
all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa,
and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave
thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the
cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited-- and waited. After a long silence, the
young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli,
won't he know that I'm lying?"
The father had his boss coming over for dinner and he warned his kids not to say
anything about his bosses nose. He had a terrible accident in the plant and his nose
was cut off. As they sat around the table Johnny looked so puzzled, and finally he
said, "Dad-no need to worry about saying anything about Mr. Jenkins nose-he don't
even have any.
A father took his son to an art gallery to see famous paintings of early Christians.
When they stopped by the one where Christians were being fed to the lions the boy
began to whimper. The father said don't feel bad son they all went to heaven. It's

not that said the boy as he pointed to the picture-that lion in the corner isn't getting
any.
A father said to his boy, "A big boy like you afraid to sleep in the dark?" "It's easy
for you talk dad-you've got mom to look after you.
Boys can misunderstand directions so often. Dad said, "Willie I want you to run
over and see how old Mrs. Brown is today." After a few minutes he returned and
said, "Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."
Willie said his stomach was aching and mom said that's because it's empty, you'll
feel better if you get something in it. That afternoon the pastor called and while he
was there he said he had quite a headache. Willie saw his chance to get into the
conversation, and he said to the pastor thats because it's empty, you'd feel better if
you had something in it.
A father was telling his son about the Old Testament. He said the children of Israel
escaped from Egypt, and the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, and children of
Israel built the Temple. Finally the boy said, "Dad, didn't the grownups do
anything in the Old Testament?
The teacher asked the class who was the first man? One little boy said Little Joe.
o the teacher said. Then he responded Hoss. o said the teacher, it was Adam.
The little guy shook his head and said, "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.
coincidence
I often pause and wonder
At fates peculiar ways,
For nearly all our famous men
Were born on holidays.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDRE HAVE LEAR ED:
1) o matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) ever ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) ever hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEAR ED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWI G OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
CHURCH HUMOR
ILLUS: In Parker and Hart’s "The Wizard of Id" comic strip, one monk is putting
up a sign on the bulletin board in front of the church while another monk watches.
The sign reads "Thou Shalt ot Covet" and the visiting monk says, "Boy, I wish we
had a signboard like that at our church." -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows
I heard of a pastor who had a nice boat and he named it visitation. That way when
his wife answered the phone and they wanted him she could say he was out on
visitation.
"After a worship service one Sunday a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy
told my friend Pastor Don how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About
halfway through the sermon, she said she leaned over and whispered to her son, 'If
you don't sit still and be quiet, Pastor Don is going to lose his place and will have to
start his sermon all over again!”

The Preacher and His Horse
(from the Internet)
A preacher went to the stables to buy a horse. The stable owner chose a beautiful
bay horse and brought it over to the preacher. The stable owner said, "This horse is
just perfect for you. This beautiful mare was raised by another preacher and the
commands that this horse obeys would be very appropriate for you. For giddi-up
you say, "PRAISE GOD," and to stop you say, "AME ."
The preacher was very pleased so he bought the horse and rode it home. On the way
he crossed a meadow. His excitement at the beauty of the scene was overwhelming
and he said "PRAISE GOD" and the horse galloped across toward some hills. He
maintained his speed going up the hill and then he saw a cliff! "What was I
supposed to say to stop?? What? What? What? Oh yes! AME !! AME !"
The horse stopped at the very edge of a cliff. The preacher wiped the sweat off his
brow said, "PRAISE GOD"!!
SLEEPING IN CHURCH
A minister was chatting with a University student about the doctoral paper he was
preparing. Through reading and exacting studies with many patients, the student
was prepared to report that the type of converstaion that went on in the operating
room had a definite impact on the recovery rate of surgical patients.
The minister was especially interested in the finding that even though a patient
under anesthesia was totally "out of it", in a comatose like condition, positive
conversation by doctors and other attendants had a very beneficial affect on the
patient. As the pastor listened to this revelation, his face suddenly lit up, and he
said, "At last I've found some hope for the people who attend the Sunday morning
morning church service."
A mother with a little boy came out of church and said to the pastor, "I
thank you for that message, it filled my every need-I am full to
overflowing." The pastor thank her, and then asked the little boy if he
liked it too. He said, "Yeah, just like mom, I got a belly full."
CHURCH HOPPI G
There’s a story about a man who was stranded on a deserted tropical island, all by
himself, for twenty long years. Finally, after all that time, he was discovered by a
passing ship, and a rescue team sailed over to the island to retrieve the man.

There was great joy as the rescue team landed, and the team marvelled at the
accommodations the man had fashioned for himself. There were three large grass
huts on the island. They asked the man, "What are these three buildings you have
here?"
"Oh, that one is my house," said the man, pointing to one structure.
"That one over there is my church."
"And what about the third one?" the rescuers asked.
"Oh, THAT," said the man. "That's the church I USED to go to."
If Dr. Seuss Were a Theologian
by: Rev. Dean Kavouras
When your hermeneutic stumbles and your exegesis flops
and the Bible is so foreign that your conregation pops;
then add some razzle dazzle to the sermon that you preach
bring an apple dapple rapple to the pulpit with a peach.
Forget about confessions and the doctrines we hold tops
and rub the peaches fuzz fuzz on each member till he drops;
Feed them apple dapple rapple till each one you make him screach
and they hickle pickle tickle like St. Fickle when you teach.
Syncopation, insulation, aviation too
are the topics you should teach them so they always know "how to."
How to lay a babled cable to the stable of the Lord
and how to play the jump rope with the everlasting Word.
Synthesizers excorcise the duldrums and the blues
and they tickle fickle wickles to the bottoms of their shoes.
They don't want law or gospel it's too hard to think about,
they want to go home laughin' with some peach fuzz and a shout.
So dump those old dry hymnals with their humble bumble stuff
and get a new projector till you've stilled all of their guff.
They may not learn salvation or damnation to avoid,
but they'll sumble tumble bumble and not mumble a bad woid.
With their fickle wickles tickled, and their hands raised up in praise
They'll find the antichrist where every poggle-hoggle strays
And looking 'round about, with their ears all filled with din

From the trumpet's blaring noises and the drums a drumminin
They'll think their jumpin'-bumpin' heartbeat is the Spirit caught within
The prancin' of their dancin' and the 'we just wanna-in'.'
How smart and ever clever in their worship -- yes, they are!
Give them a bit more practice, and they'll have Him in a jar!
A rabbi,a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side,
so they decide to carpool.
The first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the
hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running to his church. He
emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the
island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going
to die! There's no food! o water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly that it
drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does
that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to
DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I
tithe ten percent on that $100,000 per week. My pastor will find me!"
ot So Good Sermons
A young minister took a rural parish. His wife kept herself busy with ministry and
hobbies. Three years later, the couple decided to move to another parish because the
church was dying. As the minister cleaned out the bedroom closet, he found an egg

carton filled with money. He counted out a dozen one-dollar bills and three
beautifully decorated eggs.
"What's this, sugar?" he asked his wife. "Oh, honey," she said bashfully, "I was
hoping you wouldn't find that." When her husband asked her to explain, she at last
complied.
"You see, dear," she said in an embarrassed tone, "one of my hobbies is decorating
eggs. When I get depressed, I decorate an egg and I feel better."
"Oh," the minister replied. "Tell me more. Why haven't you told me about this
before?"
"Well," she continued meekly, "The only time I get depressed is when you preach a
bad sermon. So I decorate an egg whenever you mess up really bad."
At that point, the minister grinned and hugged his wife. " ot a bad record, if I do
say so myself! Three years, over fifty sermons a year, and only three bad ones!"
After the hug, the wife spoke up again.
"There's something else I should tell you," she said bashfully. "Every time I got a
dozen eggs decorated I sold them to the women's missionary corps for a dollar."
JOB DESCRIPTIO FOR THE PASTOR
As nearly everyone knows, the Pastor has practically nothing to do except -
Decide what is to be done;
Tell somebody to do it;
Listen to reasons why it should not be done;
Listen to reasons why it should be done by someone else;
Listen to reasons why it should be done in a different way;
Follow up to see if the thing has been done;
Discover that it has not;
Inquire why;
Listen to excuses from the person who should have done it;
Follow up again to see if the thing has been done, only to
Discover that it has been done incorrectly;
Point out how it should have been done;
Conclude that as long as it has been done, though incorrectly, it may as well be left
as it is;
Wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing right;
Reflect that certainly any successor would be just as bad, or even maybe worse;
Consider how much simpler and better the thing would have been done if one had
done it himself in the first place;
Reflect sadly that one could have done it right in twenty minutes, and as things
turned out, one has to spend two days to find out why it has taken three weeks for
somebody else to do it wrong.
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church

bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and meditation to follow. (medication?)
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies
wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg
on the altar.
ext Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early
and listen to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth With Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good
sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church
basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and orth ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start
quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join
the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth
of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a ational PRAYER & FASTI G
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
ext Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot
dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"
ext Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She
is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break
Forth into Joy."
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends
a friendship that began in their school days.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans,
bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious
hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of
our members in honor of his wife.

Top 10 Christian Pick-up Lines
I just don't feel called to celibacy.
Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?
I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith.
What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?
You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa. (DO OT get this
confused!)
You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism.
I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date.
Before tonight, I never believed in predestination...
Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical.
And the number one Christian pick-up line...
I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight.
Footprints, Revisited
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for human feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand."
Author unknown

Spurgeon laughed as often as he could. He laughed at the ironies of life, he laughed
at comical incidents, he laughed at the amusing elements of nature. He sometimes
laughed at his critics. He loved to share wholesome jokes with his friends and
colleagues in ministry. He was known to tell humorous stories from the pulpit.
William Williams, a fellow pastor who kept company with Spurgeon, was a near
and dear friend in the latter years of Spurgeon’s life. He wrote:
What a bubbling fountain of humour Mr. Spurgeon had! I laughed more, I verily
believe, when in his company than during all the rest of my life besides. He
had the most fascinating gift of laughter…and he had also the greatest ability for
making all who heard him laugh with him. When someone blamed him for
saying humourous things in his semons, he said, “He would not blame me if he only
knew how many of them I keep back.”
Spurgeon considered humor such an integral part of his ministry that a whole
chapter in his autobiography is devoted to it. Humor permeates his sermons and
writings, often woven into the fabric of his messages. It's one reason among many
why he is still so readable today.
Misbehaving
God decided to check on His creatures here on Earth and see what was going on. He
decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So, He called one of His
angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel
to get another opinion." So, God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a
time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it is true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not at all pleased. So, He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good because
He wanted to encourage them... give them a little something to help them keep
going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
o?

I didn't get one either!
Church One-liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket
case.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come
close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the
back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which
one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just
sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you.
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
HYM S -- The Way We'd Sing Them (if we were honest)
The Door Magazine

I Surrender, Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on othing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' ame!
When Peace, Like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere ear Me
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
The BC Letter
There once was an old lady; quite sensitive and always elegant in her language. She
and her husband were planning a weekâs vacation at a campground. She wrote for

a reservation and wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped in terms
of its bathroom facilities. She being so elegant and delicate didn't know how to write
about something so gross as the toilet. ot being able to bring herself to write the
word "toilet," she decided instead to use the old-fashioned term "bathroom
commode." So she wrote out the whole letter using the term "bathroom commode."
After reading it she decided that even that term was too crude and so she decided to
abbreviate "bathroom commode" to "BC". So what she actually wrote was, "Does
the campground have its own BC?"
Well the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he received the
letter he couldn't figure out what she was writing about. This "BC" business
stumped him. He then decided to show some of the campers and they couldn't
imagine what the lady meant, either. The campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be inquiring about the location of the nearest Baptist
Church. So he sat down and wrote her the following reply:
Dear madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter but I now take pleasure in
informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground. It is capable of
seating 250 people. I admit that that is quite a distance to go if you are in the habit
of going regularly. But no doubt you'll be glad to know that a great deal of people
take their lunches along. They make a day of it arriving early and staying late. The
last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up
the whole time. I would like to say it pains me not to go more often, and it certainly
is no lack of desire on my part, but as we grow older it seems more of an effort.
Remember we want you to know that this is a friendly campground so, if you decide
to come here, I'd be glad to go with you the first time. I'll sit with you and introduce
you to all the other people.
Sincerely yours,
The Owner
GOD'S A SWERI G MACHI E
I have learned to live with the answering machine as a necessary part of
modernization. But I have often wondered - What if God decided to install an
automated answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this - "Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for a
thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. For all other inquiries, press 4.
What if God used the familiar excuse: "All the Angels are helping other customers
right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was
received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer? "If

you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1. For Michael, press 2. For any other Angel,
press 3." "If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6." To find out if
your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows."
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where
oah's ark is, wait 'till you get here!" "Our computers show that you have called
once today already. Please hang up immediately." "This office is closed for the
weekend. Please call again Monday."
THA K GOD YOU CA 'T CALL HIM TOO OFTE ! YOU O LY EED TO
RI G O CE, A D GOD HEARS YOU. BECAUSE OF JESUS, YOU EVER
GET A BUSY SIG AL. GOD TAKES EACH CALL A D K OW EACH
CALLER PERSO ALLY.
There were two evil brothers named Pat and Mike. They were both rich and used
their money to keep their highly illegal ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
One day, Pat died and his brother Mike went to see the Pastor of their church. Mike
handed the Pastor a VERY generous check -- enough to completely re-model the
church's delapidated building.
"If you want this money," Mike told the Pastor, "I have only one condition. When
you preach at Pat's funeral, you must say that he was a saint."
Frowning, the Pastor gave Mike's request careful consideration. Finally the pastor
agreed to Mike's demand and accepted the check.
The next day at the funeral, the Pastor did not hold back. "Pat was an evil and
selfish
man," the Pastor said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this manner for a while, the Pastor smiled a beatific smile and
said, "But compared to his brother Mike, Pat was indeed a saint."
Louis was VERY wealthy. He was also very near to dying.
Louis was very sad because he had worked hard for his money and didn't want to
leave it all behind. So he prayed that God would allow him to bring some of his
wealth with him to heaven.
An angel appeared to Louis and informed him that God had reluctantly decided to
allow him to take one suitcase of money to heaven with him.
Overjoyed, Louis grabbed his largest suitcase and filled it with solid gold bars.
Soon after, Louis died and went to greet St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
Peter noticed the suitcase and said, "I see you have the carry-on bag that God
allowed you to bring. However, I have to check it's contents before letting it
through."
When Peter opened the suitcase, his jaw dropped wide open. Finally he recovered
and gasped, "For goodness sakes, Louis, what in the world do you want with all that

pavement?"
CHURCH SIG S
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily
How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or on-smoking?
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
Come work for the Lord. The hours are long, the pay is low, but the
retirement benefits are out of this world.
Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? (U R)
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
o God -- o Peace. Know God -- Know Peace.
Free Trip to Heaven!! Details Inside!
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
CLEVER ESS HUMOR
A man was struck by a car as he walked across the street. Ultimately, the matter
came to court. In his argument to the jury, the attorney for the driver of the car
said: "My client has been driving for forty years and his record is blameless. ever
before was he in an accident." Whereupon the attorney for the pedestrian rose and
said, "It appears that my learned colleague would like to resolve this matter on the
basis of experience. In that case, I can tell you that my client has been walking for
sixty years and that his record is blameless. ever before has he been struck down
by a car."
There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not?
Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the
black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.

When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with
the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the
inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known,
death.
Although the Yid protested that he was a foreigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The
judge refused to reduce the sentence.
"The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on
people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner,
and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business,
legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has
mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask
and you shall be granted them. The only condition is that you can not request to
commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will
have to pay for your crime."
"O.K., if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in
the Carpathian mountains."
"What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer! There isn't any snow
now!"
"Well," the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait.
Because that's my first wish"
"Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. "When
the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him
ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to
me to complete his sentencing."
Six months later the police came to the man's house and took him up to the most
beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day
and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.
"All right, the state has granted your first wish. What is your second wish?"
"Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request."
"What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now!"
"Well," the Yid answered, "I'm prepared to wait."
"O.K.," The judge said banging down his gavel, "the police will come to you on a
beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your
hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete
the sentencing."

On a beautiful summer's day, the police came to the man's house and took him to
the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and
then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge.
"The state has kept it's word. ow you may have your last wish, after which you
will be executed! What is it?"
"Well," the Yid began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a
cemetery along side of you."
"What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?"
"I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait"
COLLEGE HUMOR
Another Day in the Life of a College Student
Up too late the night before.
Want to stay in bed some more.
Searching for a matching sock
in time to make my eight o'clock.
Sprinting all the way to class.
Slowly running out of gas.
Walking in the pouring rain.
A thunderstorm's inside my brain.
Soaking wet, I make it in.
Professor asks me where I've been.
I try to think up some excuse.
"It's chronic eight o'clock abuse!"
Writing till my hand falls off.
Don't have time to even cough.
Can't get breakfast off my mind.
ow I'm half-a-page behind!
Man, this lecture's really boring.
Is it me that I hear snoring?
o, it's just the ocean breeze.
I'm floating on a piece of cheese
sailing off to la-la land,
while jamming to a reggae band.
And as I lay me down to rest,
please let me dream I pass my test.
And if I don't, for goodness sake,

just let me sleep till summer break!
COMPUTER HUMOR
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Jerry Zar, Dean of the Graduate School,
orthwestern Illinois University
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns
are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and
female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine
gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. o one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘el
computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten a better model.
So are computers feminine or masculine?

CO FIDE CE HUMOR
I'M FI E THA K YOU
There is nothing the matter with me.
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
The moral is this, as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my "get up and go" just got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my "get up" has been.
Old age is golden, I've heard it said;
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed
With my ears in the drawer my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?"
When I was young my slippers were red,
I could kick my heals over my head
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But I still could dance the whole night through.
ow I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is still missing, I know I'm not dead
So I fix me some breakfast and go back to bed.

CRIMI AL HUMOR
IS IT EVER RIGHT TO LIE?
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.
On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don’t use
dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were
floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a
stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely
shaken."
D
DEATH HUMOR
Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went
to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant
she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through
her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a
black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in
a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert
before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears
as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician,
"Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was
brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was
quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.

"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
Funerals mean death, but they also can mean life-just as sewing is the
death of a seed, but it is life of the plant. It is the end of the seed but
the beginning of the plant, or the higher life of the seed. Many Jews
were saved from the azis by use of funerals. In Oct. 1943 there was
a somber procession of mourners moving through the streets of
Copenhagen, Denmark. azi guards paid no serious attention. At the
cemetery the procession of Jews were smuggled out of the country. Dr.
Karl Koster who conceived the whole idea was the registrar of the
hospital. He used the hospital to hide Jews and take by ambulance
to places where they could get out of the country. Thousands of Jews
walked in many funeral possessions and escaped.
DIET HUMOR
I decided I had to stop living
beyond my seams.
The only thing that was getting
thinner was my hair.
I ate so much I got thick to my
stomach.
I decided to go to great length
to change my width.
Oh, to be weighed and found wanting.
I discovered I was one of 25
million over weight men.
Those of course are round
figures.
I had too much army food,
everything I was eating
went to the front.
I learned you can't blame the
platter if you keep
getting fatter, for that is not

what is the matter.
E
EPITAPH HUMOR
HUMOROUS EPITAPHS
* Beneath this stone lies a merry lass
Who aimed for the brake and hit the gas
* Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, I bet, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below
* First a cough that carried me off
Then in a coffin they carried me off in
* He caught a fishbone in his throat
Which made him sing an angel's note
* Bob took time off work
By bourbon required
Then he took to the road
ow he's semi-retired
* Once I wasn't and the I was
And now I ain't all over again
* Ida Voider:
She walked in beauty like the night -
Beware her now, she's such a fright!
* When your razor is dull but you need a shave

Think of the man who lies in this grave
* Any day above ground is a good day
* Rest in peace, dear Cousin Hewitt,
We all know that you didn't do it.
* While living folks my tomb do view,
Remember well - there's room for you!
* Farewell my young companions all
From death's arrest no age is free
Remember this, a warning call
Prepare to follow after me
* The wise, the sober and the brave
Must try the cold and silent grave
* Time was I stood where thou dost now
And viewed the dead as thou dost me
Before long you'll be as low as me
While others stand and gaze at thee
* Stop by here, my friends, as you pass by
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now so you still must be.
Prepare for death and follow me.
* Behold and see as you pass by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now you soon will be
Prepare for death and follow me
* Sweet Rosie O'Grady
Carpenters daughter by birth
She decided 'twas time to leave this Earth
She swallowed a tape measure
But dying by inches is hard
So she went out in the garden
And died there by the yard
* He stole our stuff - he had no class
So we got medieval on his ass
* We all have a debt to nature due
I've paid mine - and so must you.

* Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' more than he could pay
* Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
ow she's at rest and so am I.
* It does my heart a world of good
To see you buried in a box of wood
You slept with them all when you were a-creepin'
ow you sleep alone while worms start to seep in.
In loving memory from your grieving widow...
* Expert gardener Pete Moss
Is now enriching the soil
* Grimm Rictus
1837 - 1913
Death's Grip Holds Me Tight,
But I Shall Return One ight
* Ruth and Johnny, side by side,
Went out for an auto ride
They hit a bump - Ruth hit a tree
And John kept going
Ruthlessly.
* She was a suicide blonde -
Dyed by her own hand.
* The hyacinthine boy for whom
Morn well might break and April bloom.
* On the 22nd day of June
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune
* This stone was raised to Sarah Ford,
But not Sarah's virtues to record
For they're well known to all the town
o Lord - it was raised to keep her down!
* Life is a jest, and all things show it -
I thought so once and now I know it!
* Pass on, reader, and don't waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme
For what I am this stone insures,

And what I was is no affair of yours.
* Stop, reader, pray and read my gate
What caused my life to terminate
For thieves by night when in my bed
Broke in my house and shot me dead.
* Loving and kind in all their ways,
Upright and just to the end of their days.
Sincere and true in Heart and Mind,
What a beautiful memory they left behind
* Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease -
He is not here, there's only his pod.
He shelled out his peas and went to his God.
* John Penny
Reader, if cash you are in want of any
Dig six feet deep and you'll find a Penny
* Don't attempt to climb up in a tree
That's what caused the death of me!
* Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here I lie because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
But here I lie as warm as they.
* An amiable father here lies at rest
As ever God with his image blest.
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, the guide of youth
* Buried here beneath this clay
Lies gardener John Arbothnaut Jay
ow in his simpeternal home
A constant source of high-grade loam
* When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten,
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
*
He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,

And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
* Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, it's said, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below.
* Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
* You reading this stone should really know,
The chap buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree, thus removing his head!
* Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I say!
So when I told her she was getting fat,
She caved in my head with a baseball bat!
* All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
* He said he knew he ought to quit
With every cigarette that he lit
So now his butt will always lie
In the big ashtray in the sky
* In heavy traffic he'd never postpone
A single call on his cell phone
So listen closely and I vow
He's still asking "Can you hear me now?"
* Anna Retsick always wanted to be thin
Wishing she looked like bones and skin
Saying no to every dish
ow at last she got her wish
*

This is a tomb with quite a view
Do come in, there's room for you
But hearken, dear mortal,
And mind me well
For I warn you now
The view is from HELL
* Born of women
Killed by lead
He most likely had
Your wife in bed
* Stephen and time
Are now both even
Stephen beat time
But now time's beat Stephen
* I was somebody ~
Who is no business of yours!
* Dr. Fred Roberts
1875~1931
Office Upstairs
* Mr. Fish
Worms are bait for fish
But here's a sudden change
Fish is bait for worms
Is not that passing strange
* I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And I here I lay -
Carolina dead!
* Dr. Ignatius Letsome
When people's ills they come to I
I physics, bleeds and sweats 'em
Sometimes they lives, sometimes they die
What's that to I?
I. Letsome
* He was so brave
He was so cute
Until he forgot
His parachute

* Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug
<<and next to that gravestone, another reads:>>
Here I lie snugger than that other bugger
* He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends
It made a lovely light!
* William Wilson -
Here lieth W.W.
Who never more will
Trouble you, trouble you
* 1890 - The light of my life has gone out.
1891 - I have struck another match
*
To follow thee is not my intent
Unless I know which way thou went
* Weep not for me mother and brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
AT my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home
* I shopped, I bought
In debt, I rot
* Those reading this stone should really know,
the fellow buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree thus removing his head!
* Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I'd say.
So when I told her she was getting fat,
she caved in my head with a baseball bat!
* Rest in Peace athaniel Ward
His Chevy ova hit a Ford
* Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

* Blown upward, out of sight
He traced the leak by candle light
* When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten.
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
* A.O. Elle
1985-2005
Connection Terminated
* Shot in the head by a golfer's gun
He sure put a hole in Juan!
* His speed was high, the weather not
His tires were worn - X marks the spot
* The midnight ride of Paul for beer
Led to a warmer hemisphere
* Traveled too long - the driver snoozing
What happened next was not amusing.
* ow I really am between a rock and a hard place!
* 36-33-01-24-17
Honey you don't know what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this, a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich, Eufala, Alabama)
* He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,
And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
* Daughter of virtue! Moist thy tear.

This tomb of love and honor claim;
For thy defense the husband here,
Laid down in his youth his life and fame.
* Farewell friends and parents dear,
I am not dead, but sleeping here.
Prepare for death, for die you must
And with your Laura, sleep in dust.
* Her last look we shall never forget,
Though hard to see her expire.
She smiled as she bade us adieu
And said she was going up higher.
* He passed from our sight
Like a dream or a story
From a bosom of love
To a mansion of glory.
* Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
* See death remove the eldest son,
Just as the family is begun;
And three pairs of twins in a short space,
To quicken us in the Christian race.
* Weep not for me, mother & brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
At my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home.
* All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
* Here I lie
It's no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Rolled over my head.
* Warm summer sun, shine kindly here

Warm southern wind, blow softly here
Green sod above, lie light, lie light
Good-night, dear heart,
Good-night, good-night.
* She failed her breathalyzer test
ow she lies with all the rest
* Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels
* She was dear as life could be
Hath crossed alone the narrow sea
Why should we fear the distant shore
Since she we loved has gone before
* Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin'
So he sought for repose a twelve-dollar coffin.
*
Short was her sickness, severe her pain
To rest in peace is now her gain
Dry up your tears and weep no more
She is not lost, but gone before
*
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bred
And the Lord did send them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
*
Open, open wide ye golden gates
That lead to the heavenly shore,
Our father suffered in passing through
And Mother weighs much more
*

At rest beneath this slab of stone
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt
He died one morning just at ten,
And saved a dinner by it
* A light from our household is gone
A voice we loved is stilled
A place is vacant in our hearts
Which never can be filled
* That once loved form,
ow cold and dead,
Each mournful thought employs
We weep our earthy comforts fled
And withered all our joys
* Sleep on sweet baby and take thy rest
God called thee home - He thought it best
*
Shed not for her the bitter tear
or give the heart to vain regret
'Tis but the casket that lies here
The gem that filled it sparkles yet
*
'Gone fishing', the sign said
that hung upon the door.
An Angel had put it there
God was waiting on the shore.
*
I'm dead now and here I lie
I hear no laugh and I hear no cry
Where I've gone and how I fare
obody knowing now gives a care
*
Heave a sigh for old John Doak
He didn't know his brakes were broke
*

Planted here beneath sod,
At peaceful rest lies brother Claude
*
The pipes have called
For our good friend John
He once was here
But now is gone
* Here lies an obnoxious punk
Played a loud stereo in his piece of junk
He came through my hood, which wasn't smart
ow he's buried under my tombstone art
* Lived a life of stress and worry
Rushing through it in a hurry
Didn't stop to smell the roses
But now he feeds them as he decomposes
*
Here lie the remains of dear old Randy
A heck of a guy, but now worm candy
*
Beneath this stone is our pal Richard
His fall from the Space eedle
Left the sidewalk fissured
*
The curtain made it's final call
For our wonderfully operatic Paul
Thought the orchestra pit was
Ten more steps when he went splat
He forgot to C# so now he B-flat
*
"Checkmate!" was the call
To dear old Jon
On the chessboard of life,
He was just a pawn
*

Here lies hypochondriac Rick
For once he was right
When he said he was sick
*
Maria has gone to the Pearly Gate
For once in her life, she wasn't late!
*
Here lies Lisa who always played Lotto
And now she lies in this loamy grotto
*
Here lie the of bits & pieces
of Jumpin' George
Still had bungie cord left
At the bottom of the gorge
*
He said " o net!" and knew no fear
He made a misstep and wound up here
*
To Lance Linguini, we raise a toast
He saw five sharks swimming off the coast
He outswam four - but the fifth? Almost!
(This would be good with a stone shaped like a shark fin!)
*
Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deemed it quite a bore
And now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needeth bread no more.
* He found a rope and picked it up
And walked away with it.
It happened to the other end
A horse was hitched, they say.
They took the rope and tied it up
Unto a hickory limb.

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